Blue Moon Over Manka's
by Cullenista
Summary: Edward whisks Bella off to Manka's Inverness Lodge for a romantic weekend. She’s insecure, he has doubts and they finally deal with all their issues honestly, including Jacob. Winner of the Danger Magnet Award at the Denali Coven and four TwilightAwards.
1. Joy Cometh In The Morning

**AN: ****NEWSFLASH: _Blue Moon Over Manka's_ WON the Danger Magnet Award for Best Bella Characterization from the Denali Coven website. Thanks to you, my loyal readers, this story is the winner. You also voted and this story was the winner of 4 Twilight Awards for Best Characterization, Overall Scene, Chemistry and Kiss.  
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**There is a link on my Profile/Bio page where you can click to see all the details and a list of all the best fanfiction for the past year. Click on my name above, Cullenista, to get there. Thanks again for your support!**

* * *

**_PREFACE_**

After driving along in silence for a few minutes, Edward spoke. "Bella, you're very quiet. What are you thinking?" His beautiful face had a worried expression.

Caught unaware, I blurted out what was on my mind. "We spend almost every night together, why does this seem so illicit?"

"Well, your father thinks you are camping with my family," Edward replied smoothly.

"He usually has no idea where I really go on these short trips," I said, thinking of my runaway escape to Phoenix and the mad dash to Italy.

"Well, I am transporting you across state lines, and it isn't the first time, either."

"Yes, but it's usually Alice who does that," I reminded him.

He laughed and agreed with me. "Yes, technically Alice has been behind the wheel, so to speak, during most of those maneuvers. Perhaps this time seems different because you are not wearing a cast or fleeing from vampires. Or fleeing toward vampires."

I thought of Italy again and shuddered slightly.

"Just fleeing with a vampire," he stated unselfconsciously.

"That's the story of my life," I said laughingly.

He was being so light-hearted. Maybe that's what made it different. He had said this trip was just for fun, a quick weekend getaway, but I had a feeling it was going to be much more.

* * *

**Chapter 1: _Joy Cometh in the Morning_**

I had begun to get a kind of prickly feeling that danced on the surface of my skin on Wednesday night, when Edward told me that he, Jasper and Emmett were leaving on a hunting trip tonight, but he would be back on Friday and we would start our weekend getaway, his birthday gift from me.

I was sitting in my bedroom, on his lap in the rocking chair, my favorite spot. I was ready for bed, but fighting for just a few more minutes with him. It was late, Charlie was already asleep, and I kept trying to pump Edward for information about our mysterious trip.

He wouldn't tell me our destination; he wouldn't even let me pack a bag. Technically, since I had set this all in motion I couldn't complain.

"Alice is taking care of all that. She knows your sizes and she knows exactly what to pack. She's had fun shopping for a wardrobe for you this past week so don't spoil it by objecting now. You could use some new clothes, and I know you do not enjoy shopping nearly as much as Alice does," Edward stated with precision, lightly trailing kisses down my neck.

"You got that right," I admitted, my pulse quickening.

"She's helped me plan this trip and if it goes well, she and Jasper may take the same trip in the autumn. So in reality, you are doing her a favor," he asserted.

"I've already agreed to go, you don't have to go overboard," I said, to let him know I wasn't buying all of it.

"Alice will be watching over you while I am gone; you will be safe. Just try not to fall downstairs, and I will pick you up early Friday morning," he instructed me.

"Friday morning! Can't you come over Thursday night?" I wailed, clutching his shoulder even tighter. I hated trying to go to sleep without him beside me. I couldn't get comfortable and felt so alone.

I was actually afraid of having a nightmare. The trauma we had recently experienced with Victoria and the newborns from Seattle was still fresh in my mind, and although the threat was over, it was still haunting my dreams. I needed Edward to be there when I woke up, frightened and confused.

I also just plain felt anxious when Edward was away. I knew I should be more independent but the closer we got to the wedding the more nervous I was that something would spoil it and take him away from me. There had been so many obstacles in our way in the past I couldn't trust that we would have smooth sailing in our future. With my luck nothing ever seemed to go smoothly.

"I will if we get back soon enough, but I might not be able to make it by Thursday night. I will try, but if I don't, I want you to promise that you will eat properly while I am gone," he sounded as stern as he could while kissing small circles on my neck. How could I argue with him when he was doing that? How could I even think?

"Promise me," he commanded between kisses.

"Okay, I promise," I managed to gasp.

"Don't make me come back to find you weak and dizzy, do you hear me?" he demanded.

"I'm already weak and dizzy," I protested, "and it's your fault."

He threw his head back and laughed. "Bella, I'm going to tuck you in now, and I want you to get a good night's sleep. I will be back as quick as I can. Please be careful, for my sake…" Edward pleaded.

"You know, now that we're actually going to do this thing," I said, fingering my engagement ring and giving him a significant look, "I can't stand to be away from you for even an hour. And when you're gone overnight, I have a very hard time sleeping."

"Bella, you know I hate leaving you for even a moment, but we are going to do this right. And part of that means I need to hunt now. I am not taking any chances where you are concerned. Charlie is here, and Alice will be monitoring you the whole time I'm gone. You will let her know if you decide to go anyplace unusual or anyone comes over unexpectedly?"

I had a feeling when he said 'anyplace unusual' he meant La Push and when he was concerned about 'anyone' coming over, he meant Jacob. Those were the only reasons I could think of that Alice would need to be alerted by me since she couldn't see any activity the werewolves were involved with.

He had no need to worry. I had no plans to go to La Push or see Jacob, and I didn't think he would voluntarily come here to see me either, not after our last conversation. I had made it crystal clear that my future was with Edward and I think Jacob was so hurt he couldn't stand to see me anymore, at least not for a while. I hated to think of him alone and hurt, but that was the way it had to be. Maybe if I had never met Edward I could have had a happy life with Jake, but that was not meant to be.

I had temporarily stopped trying to call Jacob and he had not tried to call me. I didn't see that situation changing anytime soon. Certainly not while Edward was away hunting.

I desperately hoped Jake would find someone to imprint on, if only for my own selfish reasons. Of course I wanted him to be happy, but if he was in love with someone else that meant there wouldn't be any room in his heart for me, and I couldn't wait for that day to come.

He deserved to be happy and find someone who could love him fully, but that wasn't me. I loved Edward totally and completely and wasn't about to let anything get in the way of my spending eternity with him.

"I have no plans to go anywhere or see anyone while you're gone; I'll probably just spend a peacefully quiet day here with no distractions. Maybe I'll clean out my closet or sort my books into 'keep' or 'donate' stacks. And cook some meals for Charlie to eat while we're gone. If anything happens I will call Alice immediately. Feel better?"

"I feel fine; I just want to make sure you are safe. You will be fine. Believe me, I wouldn't leave you otherwise."

Rationally I knew all of that sounded good, but I still hated to spend the night without him.

As if he could feel my reluctance to let him go he said, "Do you want me to ask Alice to spend the night with you here?"

"No, please don't do that. I really wouldn't get any sleep. I love her, but she has way too much energy to contain in this small room while I'm trying to sleep. You're the only one I want to be with all night, every night."

I could tell he wasn't happy about leaving me, either. He looked like he was debating something with himself.

"You are making this so difficult for me, Bella. If I had a choice I would never leave your side, do you not know that? How about if I promise that after we are married I never leave you alone at night again?" The tip of his straight, aristocratic nose skimmed along my neck as he inhaled deeply.

"Can I have that written into the vows?" Of course I wouldn't be so concerned about sleeping through the night after we were married. Well, not for long, anyway.

"If you want," he said, chuckling. "At this point I will agree to just about anything."

"That's a dangerous statement. Now I think I might stay up all night just to think up some more special vows." It was an idle threat, but I enjoyed scaring him. It happened so rarely.

"After we are married I'm going to be stuck to you like glue. I am not going to leave you alone for a moment. You will get sick of me. You will be begging me for some time by yourself, but your pleas will fall on deaf ears. I hope you know what you are in for." He thought he was warning me but he was in actuality delighting me.

It sounded like my definition of paradise. I knew it was not right to wish for time to pass, but I couldn't wait for the wedding to be over. I felt like I was just treading water until that day when my real life would begin.

"Hey, all that goes double for me. If you think I'm demanding now just wait until I'm your wife. I won't let you out of my sight. I hope you know what _you_ are in for." I had never said 'your wife' before and I was a little shocked by how easily the words came out of my mouth.

"I think I am getting the better end of the deal, and I don't think you are demanding at all. You are my angel."

I looked up at him expectantly and I was not disappointed. His fingers reached out and he touched my face, sliding his hand down to my neck. He leaned down and softly brushed his lips against mine.

I tried to go slowly but I couldn't help snaking my arms around his neck, running my hand up to his hair and wrapping my fingers in the tendrils there. I tugged him closer to me. I felt his lips smile against mine and I took that as a sign. I opened my mouth and ran my tongue across his bottom lip. He stilled, but he didn't push me away or disappear. He moved his lips across my cheek and then trailed kisses down my neck. He lingered there and I enjoyed every minute of it.

While this wasn't exactly what I had in mind, I wasn't going to complain. I would take my victories where I could find them. I had made him stay much longer than he had planned on staying, he had assured me he wanted to be with me around the clock, and he was being very affectionate. We had come so far. This was bliss. Unfortunately I couldn't help but let some reality creep into this idyllic moment and I let out an involuntary sigh.

"Is something wrong, Bella?" He sounded cautious.

"Not really, just my normal insecurities, popping up to ruin an especially nice moment."

"What do you have to be insecure about, my sweetest love?"

It was the same thing I always worried about; but I didn't want him to know just how stupid I could be.

When I didn't answer he said, "Please tell me, Bella, I'm imagining the worst right now."

I had forgotten about that tendency of his. I bit my lip and said slowly, "I'm afraid when I'm no longer human I'm going to be a disappointment to you."

"Bella, that is absurd. I will love you even more, if that's possible, and I will do everything in my power to make you happy. When all the barriers between us are removed and we are man and wife," he kissed my palm, and his tone became even more intense, "I will have you, body and soul. I wish you knew what that means to me. I want to respect you, honor you, and worship you; every inch of you. I just hope I don't disappoint _you_."

I don't know if it was the power of his words, his icy breath in my ear or the heat I felt as his lips trailed kisses down my neck to my shoulder, but I was having trouble retaining consciousness. I trembled and leaned against him weakly, my arms clutching around his waist.

"Bella, are you all right?"

"Yes, Edward," I whispered. "Sometimes the way you make me feel is almost more than I can handle. You don't have to worry about ever disappointing me. I guess I have even more to look forward to than I thought."

He started kissing my shoulder and making his way up my neck again.

I was so relaxed now I was unable to stifle a yawn and he saw his opportunity.

He removed his lips from my neck and softly said, "Someone is sleepier than they are letting on."

Before I could reply he carried me to the bed and I reluctantly disentangled myself from his strong, majestic frame. I crawled under the covers. "Just stay with me until I fall asleep, please Edward?" I said his name as sweetly as I could.

"How can I say 'no' when you ask so nicely?" He smoothed the covers up around me and slid in next to me, turning me on my side and putting his arm around my waist. I pressed my back against his chest and tried to turn my head towards him. He wasn't having any of it. "I love you, Bella." He pressed his lips against my cheek. "Time to go to sleep."

"I love you, Edward."

"Sleep little Bella, drift off to dreamland." I heard him add under his breath, "While you still can."

Thinking that this was not a good time to start that discussion I decided to ignore the comment and just enjoy the feel of his body next to mine. He started humming my lullaby and before I knew it, I was asleep.

When I awoke on Thursday morning by myself I felt the ache in my heart begin. Whenever Edward was away on a hunting trip I was always worried, even though he had reassured me over and over that he was not in danger. I stretched in bed and held my left hand up so I could look at my engagement ring. It sparkled in even the dimmest morning light.

The ring I had at first been so reluctant to accept was now my most cherished possession because Edward had given it to me and because it meant so much to him. With the wedding only weeks away I had accepted it and although it still didn't seem as necessary to me as it did to Edward, I wanted to make him happy.

And I could see Edward's point of view. Perhaps it was silly of me to worry about idle gossip concerning a teenage marriage when I was willing to spend eternity with a vampire, even become one myself, without giving a thought to what people might say. No wonder he never knew what was going on in my head. I guess I wasn't what he would call logical.

I sat up and looked around my room in the soft morning light. A dense cloud cover filled the portion of sky I could see through my bedroom window. I looked at the rocking chair where I so frequently woke up to see Edward watching me and my eyes fell upon an envelope propped up against the back of the rocker.

I sprang out of bed and snatched it up, throwing myself in the rocker before I could fall. A square, cream-colored envelope held one word in Edward's elegant script: _Bella._

The envelope was lightly sealed and I carefully slid my index finger under the flap, thinking this was no time to get a paper cut. Of course there was never a good time for me to get a paper cut. With trembling hands I unfolded a single sheet of paper and read the words Edward left for me.

_My Dearest Bella, _

I am so looking forward to taking you where we can be alone and quiet together. I want to look into your eyes and read what's written on your soul. To me you are like a source of pure air, a clear stream reflecting a deep pink sunset.

You are as delicate as a freesia blossom and a word of love from you is more precious than the most rare Tahitian pearl. The sound of your sweet voice, the echo of your footstep, a hint of your fragrance is all that it takes to propel me into ecstasy. This feeling is so intense I can almost taste it-- almost taste you.

I try every day to be worthy of your love and I offer you an eternity of strength and faithfulness. I will never give up on you, no matter how hard it is for us to be together. When I am alone with my thoughts I know that your love was meant for me, no matter what stands between us. I love you more because I have to fight for you.

While I am gone please hear my voice on your pillow, whispering to you, telling you how very much I love you. Feel my arms around you, holding you close to me. Your face is never out of my mind. Your last kiss clings to my lips like fire doused with honey. When next I see you I will do anything you ask of me, with delight,

I remain, _your loving Edward_

I watched a teardrop fall on the bottom of the page, near his exquisite signature. I hadn't even realized I was crying. His words touched me so deeply my response was involuntary. I felt pure joy at reading his heartfelt words. How could I have contemplated leaving this man for even a moment? No one would ever love me this much; it simply wasn't possible.

Even though he wasn't here I felt his arms around me, holding me securely. His love enveloped me in his cool embrace. I read the letter again, savoring every word. His ability to make me happy when he was miles away was astounding but not surprising. He could do anything.

This letter would tide me over until he returned. Maybe I should request he write me a note before every hunting trip. I still wished he were here with me, but I could read his letter and feel him with me, secure in his love.

Even though we still had obstacles to overcome, we were so close to fulfilling our dream. Our dream of being together for eternity. In just a few weeks I would be married and then we would be taking the steps necessary for my being with him forever. This was what I wanted, but the closer I came to realizing my dream, the less I wanted to think about certain parts of it.

It was so hard to focus on the wedding details with Alice, and even harder to think about what was going to happen after the wedding. Well, some things that were going to happen made me very happy to think about, but nervous, too. Edward and I were both so inexperienced, and his particular status made things even more difficult for us. Actually, my being human was what made things more difficult.

As problematic as trying might be, I was starting to think perhaps we should try a few things before the wedding night. How could I explain this to Edward? If we tried to go from zero to sixty on said wedding night, we might encounter more problems than if we eased our way into it by trying small steps first. Would he believe that? Was it true? It sounded reasonable to me, but knowing Edward, he could probably come up with a dozen reasons why it wouldn't work.

The tension between us for the past few days was unbearable for Jasper and I knew the others were aware of it too. Alice told me Emmett had been teasing Edward mercilessly and Edward had been doing his best to ignore it, but she feared for Emmett's life on this hunting trip. Jasper had gone with them to act as referee and she was also worried about the state he would be in when he got back.

That reminded me of how we had spent yesterday. Edward had been confused about my reactions and curious about my thought processes. He couldn't figure me out even when I told him what I was thinking.

I had spent all day at the Cullen home with Edward and Alice, going over a myriad of things connected to the wedding. Alice had agreed that I needed a break and offered an evening of international films to distract me. We ended up only watching one foreign film with her because it made me cry so much and Edward wasn't happy about that.

Emmett and Rosalie were having a date night out in Port Angeles and Carlisle and Esme were off having some private time. Jasper said the tension created between me, Edward and Alice was too much for him to deal with until after the wedding so he retired to his study upstairs.

I had no idea how much was involved with planning a wedding, and although Alice and Edward were doing the heavy lifting, she still waived color charts and all manner of catalogs under my nose for my approval.

After a day of toiling over plans with Alice I had usually lost my appetite but she said most brides lost a little weight right before the wedding so I shouldn't be too concerned. Edward was another story. He was constantly monitoring my food intake like I was a project for the science fair and he was determined to win first place.

The three of us settled down on the sofa, Edward on one side of me and Alice on the other. I had a bowl of popcorn in my lap that Edward had thoughtfully made for me. So far, so good. I wasn't thrilled with the prospect of reading subtitles all night, but I had seen some good foreign films, so I wasn't totally dreading it. Edward tucked a blanket around me and put his arm around my shoulder. I sighed, content for once.

"I chose this because it's very colorful and the music is wonderful. I'm sure you will enjoy it. Also, it's not a film we could watch if Rosalie was here. You'll see what I mean as it goes along," Alice said cryptically as the movie started.

* * *

Thanks to _not done baking_ for being a super beta.

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. _Twilight_ and all its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer and no copyright infringement is intended in this work. References to real people, events, establishments, organizations or locales are intended only to provide a sense of authenticity and are used to advance the fictional narrative. All other new characters and all incidental dialogue are drawn from the author's imagination and are not to be construed as real. This disclaimer is meant for the entire work.


	2. I Will Wait for You

"_I chose this because it's very colorful and the music is wonderful. I'm sure you will enjoy it. Also, it's not a film we could watch if Rosalie was here. You'll see what I mean as it goes along," Alice said cryptically as the movie started. _

Chapter 2_: I Will Wait for You_

The film was in French, and the subtitle translated into _The Umbrellas of Cherbourg_. It was filmed in 1964 and both Edward and Alice enjoyed seeing the vintage cars. Getting into the spirit of the film, they would occasionally speak to each other in fluent French. I figured they had both been to France and were probably discussing something that had happened to them there.

Edward's velvet voice sounded so beautiful speaking French; I couldn't tell what he was saying but it didn't matter, everything sounded romantic when it came out of his perfect mouth. They weren't speaking loudly, but if I kept listening to them I would never be able to keep up with the film. After rolling my eyes I chose to ignore them and just concentrate on the subtitles.

The movie started beautifully in the rain, the rain in France being so much more scenic than the rain in Forks. It told the story of a 17 year-old girl, Genevieve, who is in love with Guy, a 20 year-old auto mechanic. When she tells her mother she wants to get married her mother objects (no surprise there, this anti-marriage thing must be universal).

This doesn't stop the beautiful blonde girl from sleeping with her boyfriend, though. And after he leaves for military service, she discovers she's pregnant. Then I understood why we couldn't watch this when Rosalie was around.

Complications ensue, and when the girl is presented with a proposal by an older, wealthy man she accepts. Her boyfriend comes back from his military service and finds her already married, and she has a baby girl. At first he is miserable, but after awhile he finds a girl, marries her and has a son. Both couples name their children the same thing, Françoise, a name they had discussed before he left for his military service.

That made me think of how I had been able to see a future with Jake that included children; thank goodness I hadn't picked out names. At least I could be grateful it never went that far. And I could be grateful that Edward would be spared ever knowing anything about that whole episode with Jake. It would hurt him too much and I never wanted him to suffer because of something foolish I did.

There was a point in the film when I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I tried hard not to cry but I couldn't help myself. I bit down on my lower lip and willed myself not to be so weak.

Genevieve is cleaning the windows in her Mother's umbrella shop and says, "I thought I would die without him… so why am I not dead?" It reminded me too much of when Edward left me and I had felt the same thing; I thought I would die without him, but I went on, day after day, barely surviving.

When I started crying Edward hissed something in French to Alice but she didn't answer him. He held me close and wiped the tears from my eyes, softly kissing my cheeks. The movie's music was beautiful and after a few minutes of his tender touches I calmed down again.

Edward said with a tone of annoyance in his voice, "Am I the only one who finds it strange that most of these famous love stories have unhappy endings?"

"What are you thinking of besides Romeo and Juliet?" I inquired.

"Tristan and Isolde, Arthur and Guinevere, Heathcliff and Cathy, Lara and Zhivago, even Robin and Marion," he concluded, unknowingly listing all my favorite characters in literature. Maybe there was something wrong with me. I did enjoy sad love stories, the sadder the better.

"Would you rather I had chosen one of those films?" Alice piped up.

"No thank you, dear sister. You have already been too helpful."

"You forgot Mr. Todd and Mrs. Lovett," Alice taunted.

"I would hardly call the demon barber of Fleet Street a great love story, Alice. Really, you are too bizarre," Edward objected. He muttered something else in French but Alice let it pass without reply.

Near the end of the movie an older, wealthy Genevieve, traveling with their child, stops at Guy's gas station. They haven't seen each other for years, and it's sad for both of them. She had to choose between an unsure future with her true love and a safe life with a man who could provide security, and she did not choose love. Now we saw the consequences of that choice.

She tries to have a serious conversation with Guy, but he won't open up to her. She leaves, seemingly discontent with the path she chose and he plays in the snow with his family, at least a bit happier than she is. It seemed that Guy and Genevieve's love was frozen and would never see the soft spring rain again.

That was sad enough, but the lyrics were even worse. "If it takes forever, I will wait for you. For a thousand summers, I will wait for you. 'Til I'm back beside you; 'til I'm holding you. And forevermore, I will wait for you." I felt the tears start to roll down my cheeks again but I bit my lip and didn't make any sound. I thought if I kept very still these fresh tears would escape Edward's notice and dry on their own, but no such luck.

As he smoothed the tears off my face and gently kissed my cheeks until I smiled as I continued to think about the movie. Unfortunately, Genevieve couldn't wait for Guy and she had to live with that mistake for the rest of her life.

I thought that is how it would feel to be half-alive and I couldn't help but compare that situation to the one I had so recently experienced when I said goodbye to Jacob. If I had chosen him instead of Edward I would have been sentencing myself to a tragic half-life, with part of me always longing for Edward.

No matter how much Jacob would have loved me, it wouldn't have been enough for me. There would always have been a part of me that belonged to Edward, and no matter what Jake did, he would never have been able to touch that part. And eventually it would have eaten at my soul until I couldn't take it anymore. I would have been miserable and I would have made Jake miserable. Maybe not at first, but one day, and when I realized the mistake I had made I wouldn't have wanted to go on.

Maybe that had been Alice's idea all along. She was crafty, that Alice. Perhaps this was her way of showing me what my life would have been like if I had chosen Jake. I would have had a human life, and maybe a child, but I would always have wanted to go back to Edward and would have ultimately been unhappy with Jake.

I had closed the door on Jake and I was currently looking for a hammer and some nails to make sure the door never reopened. How could I have thought we could remain friends after Edward and I got married? Jacob would never be happy about my being changed, and I was adamant about that happening, so I really wouldn't be able to see him for much longer anyway.

I was glad I had chosen Edward and this film opened my eyes to what might have happened if I had not chosen my true love.

"Wonderful choice of films, Alice," Edward's voice dripped with sarcasm. "Next time we will let Bella choose the movie."

"No, Edward, it's okay. I liked it."

He looked at me, a frown creasing his handsome brow.

"She needs to see more than Disney movies, Edward. You can't treat her like a child forever," Alice bravely pointed out.

"You are being absurd, Alice. I do not treat her like a child."

"Hey guys, I'm right here," I volunteered. "I thought the movie was sad, but I did like it. The music was lovely, and so were the colors. Not all movies have to have a happy ending. But sometimes we can learn something from them."

Edward gently tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear, and ran his long fingers through the tangled strands. After leaning on him through most of the movie my hair probably looked like a haystack but he didn't seem to mind.

"What did you learn from that, Bella?" Edward was curious to know what I was thinking, as always. And as usual, I wasn't keen on telling him everything.

"Just that the decisions you make when you're young can affect your whole life. So you need to be sure when you make a choice that it's the right choice. And stick with it." I thought that was a fairly straightforward answer, but Edward didn't look pleased. He was still glaring at Alice.

"You should relax, Edward, she still loves you," Alice said as she gracefully got up from the sofa and danced toward the stairs. "I'm going to leave the two of you alone while I get online and check out the flower market in Amsterdam."

She had taken to monitoring the daily sale of flowers in Europe to make sure there would be a good supply available for the wedding. I thought she was going overboard with the flowers but she insisted she knew what she was doing.

"She's right Edward. I still love you. But that was never in doubt."

"I hate to see you cry, especially over a silly film. Alice should have chosen a comedy or let you choose."

He had been holding my hand and now he brought my palm up to his lips and pressed a kiss against my skin; I felt his mouth curve into a smile. I loved it when he did this. It was something so intimate, something only the two of us shared with each other.

"Well, I think the point is to expose me to films I wouldn't ordinarily see. Didn't you at least like the music?"

"Some of it. But nothing that makes you cry."

"Could you play that_'I will wait for you'_ song on the piano for me? It reminds me of us because I would wait forever for you." I was hoping this would distract him and put him in a better mood. The piano always seemed to provide a release for feelings he wasn't able to express otherwise.

"I _have_ waited forever for you. And I would wait a thousand summers if I needed to," he said, leaning in and kissing me before he got up from the sofa.

Wanting to make it last as long as possible I pressed myself against his hard, muscled chest. I felt a jolt of electricity when his lips met mine, and he ran his hand from my shoulder to my hand, leaving a trail of sparks on my arm in his wake. It was painful when he broke contact with me now; I wanted to feel his skin on mine all the time. My eyes followed him as gracefully he made his way to the piano.

He began to play and as his fingers danced across the keyboard he made the powerful instrument sound better than the full orchestra had. I thought how lucky I was to get a private concert like this. After a while he gracefully made the transition into a song I didn't recognize, but it was beautiful and sad.

"Did you write that, Edward?"

"No, do you like it?"

"Yes, it's so sad but also hopeful in a way."

"I thought you would like it. It's from a film score by Michael Nyman. The movie was_Gattaca_. Have you seen it?"

"No. _Gattaca_? What's it about?"

"We have it on DVD if you would like to see it. Technically it's science fiction, but it's actually a much more romantic film than the one we just watched."

More romantic? According to Edward? I definitely wanted to see it. "Oh yes, let's watch it now, please."

He disappeared briefly and returned with the DVD. He popped it in the player and settled down on the sofa with me again. With just the two of us I stretched out and put a pillow in his lap for my head. He instantly began playing with my hair, which I found a little distracting but soon I was totally absorbed in the movie.

It didn't look like a science fiction movie. There were no aliens and it was a very romantic story, and a thought-provoking one, too. Edward pointed out that parts of it were filmed in a Frank Lloyd Wright building in Marin County, California. The scenery was beautiful.

The story was set in a future where genetic testing played a big part in how a person's life played out, and the main character basically had to live a double life, concealing his true identity from almost everyone. Until he reveals himself to one girl. I could see why Edward liked it. It reminded me of us in some ways.

The music underscored the emotional scenes perfectly and it had a haunting quality about it. The ending was bittersweet, but hopeful at the same time. I couldn't help it, I cried.

"Are you going to make me regret showing you this movie?" Edward inquired softly.

"No," I gulped, "I really liked it. It was beautiful and so sad, just like the music." I wiped the tears away from my eyes. "And it wasn't just about family interfering or stupid misunderstandings. I can see why you like it. It brings up so many questions. It was truly heartbreaking, the choices they had to make. And the music was perfect. I think this was sadder than Romeo and Juliet."

"That surprises me. This couple is still alive at the end. How was this sadder?"

"Well, she loves him, and does what she can to help him achieve his dream, and then he leaves her." I couldn't help be see a parallel to when Edward had left me in the woods.

Edward looked worried, but his voice was gentle. "Yes, but he was honest with her. She knew that was going to happen. She even helped to make it happen."

"That's true. I guess, given his situation, it had to happen that way. But it's still very sad."

I felt so bad for the poor girl who had to go on without her true love. And she had done everything possible to help him reach his goal, which took him away from her. She had lied for him, and when she did it she knew it would take him away from her forever. I knew what she was going through. I wondered if I would be strong enough to help Edward leave me, if that was what was best for him.

"He gave her what he could of his heart. He loved her but he had to leave," Edward said softly.

"I know; I guess it had the best ending it could, taking everything into consideration. At least he achieved his dream. And the music was so romantic. Can you play some more for me?"

"I could, but it will cost you." He was going to tease me now.

Maybe he thought the movies had made me too sad, but I was immediately suspicious. If he was going to demand a price, it could be anything from a kiss to agreeing to let him drive me to Port Angeles at 200 miles an hour.

"What's the price?"

"How badly do you want to hear me play?"

"My desire is lessening by the moment," I retorted.

"Bella, you are going to hurt my feelings," he said as he feigned a sad face.

"I'm waiting to hear a price," I had to show him I could be a tough negotiator if I wanted to have any kind of hand in our future relationship.

"Let me see. How about if you agree to…"

"Stop." I cut him off. "I've changed my mind. If you don't want to play, that's fine with me. I'm not agreeing to anything now. The moment has passed." That would show him.

"My, my, you are growing impatient."

"I'm just not into making deals tonight. Especially after the way you and Alice spoke French all through the first movie. You know that's rude, don't you?"

"I am sorry. Did I spoil the movie for you?" He sounded sincere but I couldn't be sure.

"No, not spoil, precisely," I said lightly, not wanting to be too hard on him.

He leaned over and kissed the tip of my nose before he went back to the piano. It was probably all red and swollen from crying, but that didn't seem to bother him.

"It would be my pleasure to play for you." He sat down and started to play. I recognized several of the themes and they recalled the scenes we had just watched. I thought about how Edward led a double life too, but he made it look so easy. He had shared his secret with me and now he was going to share his life with me, fully and forever.

I was so in love with him, it all seemed like a dream. How did I get here? I let the music transport me to different times we had shared; Port Angeles, high school, the meadow, his shiny silver Volvo, Italy. I shivered and then hoping he didn't notice, tried to cover it with a yawn.

He finished the last notes of the score and I said, "Thank you, Edward. That was beautiful. Now I will do whatever you want without bargaining. Just name it."

"That's a dangerous offer. You must really trust me."

"I do."

"My favorite phrase this month." I could hear the smile in his voice.

I giggled in spite of myself. Edward seemed to have the wedding on his mind day and night. I tried to forget about it as much as I could but it seemed like every little thing reminded him of it. Sometimes I thought he engineered conversations just to get me to utter those two particular words, and I almost always fell for it.

"I have it figured out," his velvet voice snapped me out of my reverie.

"What?"

"I would like this to count as a 'get out of jail free' card, so to speak. So the next time I do something that annoys you, instead of getting mad at me, I can remind you that you owe me one." He sounded very pleased with himself for coming up with this scheme.

"That doesn't sound fair to me. I thought you'd just ask for a kiss," I said hopefully.

"One of your kisses is far too valuable to be bargained for, Bella."

He had an answer for everything. And how could I argue with him when he said something like that? It would just make me sound ungrateful.

I went over and sat down next to him on the piano bench. He immediately slid his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to him. I gazed up at him adoringly. I was going to get my kiss one way or another.

"Bella, are you trying to dazzle me?"

"If you have to ask, I must not be doing a very good job of it," I said sadly.

He leaned down then and pressed his cool, hard lips against mine. I brought my hand up to wind around his neck and pull him even closer to me. I couldn't get close enough, no matter how hard I tried. He pulled back suddenly and I felt his arm tighten around my waist.

"Did you know you were about to fall off this bench?"

Both my feet were off the floor and I had twisted around so I was barely on the bench any longer. I tried to straighten up but just ended up clutching onto his shoulder even more.

"You'll never let me fall," I said confidently.

He flashed that crooked smile at me and I sighed, leaning against his chest.

Just then I noticed Alice and Jasper coming downstairs, arm in arm. "I just wanted to say goodnight and to let you know that your flowers are going to be spectacular," Alice said as she let go of Jasper and waltzed over to where we were sitting. It was clear she had much more to say on the subject.

Edward released me and Alice took my arm, leading me back to the sofa. I sat down again and she leaned on the arm of the sofa and began to fill me in on details about the varieties and colors that she had been tracking online and Jasper went over to stand next to Edward at the piano. Edward stood up and shifted away from me and I thought he and Jasper were speaking but I couldn't hear their words.

Alice was still going on about how spectacular the flowers were going to look as Edward came to stand next to her. Jasper stayed by the piano as Edward took my hand, pulling me up off the sofa. I leaned my head forward and fluffed the hair off my neck, quickly stealing a moment to inhale the scent from Edward's chest. Heavenly.

"Just say goodnight, Alice, I have to take her back to Charlie's now."

"I know. Goodnight Bella," Alice chirped, giving me a big hug. "Don't let Edward keep you up all night; there will be plenty of time for that soon enough," she giggled.

Edward shot her a dangerous glance but she continued to giggle as she made her way over to Jasper. He nodded his head in my direction and smiled. I knew the next few weeks were going to be rough on Jasper, with all the emotions we were experiencing so close to the wedding.

I smiled and said, "Goodnight Alice, Jasper. Thanks for everything."

Edward squeezed my hand gently. "Time for someone to get some sleep," he said softly. "Ready to go?"

"Not really, but I know I have to. I will be so happy when you don't have to take me back to Charlie's anymore." Then I had a twinge of guilt, knowing that in a very short amount of time I would no longer be able to see Charlie again, no matter how much I wanted to.

I felt the tears coming again but I fought them back. I didn't want to have to explain to Edward what was making me sad now. I knew he felt bad enough about taking me away from Charlie forever and I didn't want to make him feel worse.

We drove home in a comfortable silence; me lost in thought and Edward listening to classical music on the car's CD player.

* * *

**Preview of Chapter 3, from Edward's point of view**

The evening had started out pleasantly enough in our well-appointed living room. Bella's warm, beautiful body was nestled by my side on the sofa, munching on popcorn that was about as appealing as Styrofoam pellets to me but which she found essential for movie night. I was happy to see her eat anything; she needed to keep her strength up.

* * *

_My eternal thanks to not done baking for being a fantastic beta. _


	3. I Have Waited Forever: EPOV

Chapter 3: _I Have Waited Forever _told from Edward's point of view

The evening had started out pleasantly enough in our cool, white living room. Bella's warm, beautiful body was nestled by my side on the sofa, munching on popcorn that was about as appealing as Styrofoam pellets to me but which she found essential for movie night. I was happy to see her eat anything; she needed to keep her strength up.

Alice had practically driven her to distraction with a thousand questions about what she wanted for the wedding, and she claimed to have lost her appetite. I had a horror of her losing weight again the way she had when I had so stupidly gone into my self-imposed exile. She was always so busy doing something for Charlie or some member of my family she often forgot to eat.

I knew she was already feeling guilty about the brief amount of time she had left to spend with Charlie before the wedding and I was afraid this too was having an effect on her appetite. I now made an extra effort to see that she got regular meals.

I had to admit, the way she catered to Alice's whims was adorable. She made Alice so happy. She made me so happy. She was like the light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like I had been alone in the darkness for so long, no wonder I clung to her like a lifeline. I had come so close to losing her before, now that our wedding day was finally looming I grew more and more apprehensive every day.

I could not shake the feeling that at any moment some new disaster would befall us. I had taken to going on short hunting trips and leaving her under Alice's watchful eye. I knew Alice would gladly rip out the throat of a wayward werewolf for her if necessary, or do whatever was needed to protect her and I felt it would be safer for me to make sure my thirst was quenched. I didn't want any slip ups on my part to mar the happiness we had been able to share over the upcoming wedding.

Bella was being so sweet and understanding with Esme. With her own mother in Florida, Bella was coming to Esme with concerns and questions about the wedding and that was bringing so much joy to Esme she was almost glowing in the dark. I wanted to sweep Bella into my arms and cover her with kisses every time I saw her trying to make everyone else happy.

This movie night was just another example of her generous spirit. She let Alice choose the film and I had been concentrating on Bella so much that I had not noticed the title until the film started. I felt like stopping it before it even got past the credits but I could tell Bella was already getting engrossed in it.

I shot Alice an evil glance but she was trying to ignore me. I decided to get into the spirit of the film by telling her in French exactly what I thought of her choice. I knew Bella would be upset before the movie was over and asked Alice what she had been thinking when she chose this.

She replied, also in French, that it was good to broaden Bella's view of the world and she wouldn't have chosen something Bella couldn't handle.

I did not think this choice was about broadening Bella's view of the world. This was another one of those stupid Romeo and Juliet type of stories where the girl and boy got separated and mostly through family interference, were not allowed to come back together. They were both unhappy, just to varying degrees.

And there were children involved. I was afraid this would remind her that she and I would never be able to have children. She did not need to be reminded of this. I hissed at Alice again.

_Just stop it, Edward. She is an adult now and you can't protect her from everything. Besides, she doesn't want children. She only wants you. And this movie will only reinforce for her that she had made the right decision. Everything for her is about you. Now be quiet and let her have a good cry. It's a stress reliever for her._

I listened to what Alice was thinking and tried to settle down and just observe Bella. Maybe she was right. Bella did seem to take pleasure in the most tragic stories. Sometimes I thought the way she watched Romeo and Juliet she seemed to expect that it was going to have a happy ending.

She was an eternal optimist. The perfect foil to my eternal pessimist. If her glass was half full mine was more than half empty, and it had some fungus growing in it. What had she ever seen in me? She had no gene for self-preservation, that much was clear. Whereas I could not be destroyed. Well, it was possible, but not bloody likely. I had to chuckle at my own joke.

As a particularly sad part of the movie unfolded and I saw Bella's eyes cloud over. She bit down on her bottom lip and I longed for the day when I could do the same. And then the tears started to fall. Bella was still clutching her almost empty bowl of popcorn but I gently pried it out of her grasp and held her closer to me, kissing her tears away until she was soothed.

I hated to see her cry, but I was fascinated by her tears. Sometimes I thought they would never stop, and that was very frightening. She had recently cried over that dog almost all night and I had been so worried about her I had very nearly summoned Carlisle.

But she had surprised me once again; she was so strong for someone so human. I would never cease to find her intriguing. She had totally captivated me. And soon she would be my wife. To have and to hold, forever. And I knew exactly what forever meant, even if she didn't.

This idea both thrilled and terrified me. I wanted to be her husband more than anything. Every night after she fell asleep in my arms I would let myself dream about the day in the not too distant future when we would be joined together as man and wife for all eternity.

But even those dreams would make me sad because I knew in the end, I would have to change her and make her one of us. A monster. And I could not stand to think of her like that. She would be paying for my happiness with her life. How could I do this to her?

She was so innocent, even after all the things she had been through, all the things she had to endure because of me, her spirit was still so pure. She was so brave and so selfless. From the very first day of her association with me her days had been numbered. And now they would be coming to an end. So she could begin a new existence with me. And I was powerless to stop it. Me, the all-powerful, all-knowing Edward.

It was all my fault and even if I wanted to stop it at this point I could not. And I did not want to stop the wedding. I was selfish after all, and I was going to claim my human prize. The goddess I would worship and adore forever. I did not deserve her but I would do everything possible to make her happy.

Would this movie ever end? This film was a bad choice, but it was just one of many Alice could have chosen. This mystified me. Annoyed, I said, "Am I the only one who finds it strange that most of these famous love stories have unhappy endings?"

"What are you thinking of besides Romeo and Juliet?" Bella inquired, her eyes never leaving the screen. It was a testament to her intelligence that she could read the subtitles and follow our conversation at the same time.

"Tristan and Isolde, Arthur and Guinevere, Heathcliff and Cathy, Lara and Zhivago, even Robin and Marion." I could have gone on all night. Why were these tragic couples so popular? Did they appeal to the cruel nature of human beings? Why were happy couples not celebrated?

"Would you rather I had chosen one of those films?" Alice interjected.

"No thank you, dear sister. You have already been too helpful." I knew she would understand my meaning.

"You forgot Mr. Todd and Mrs. Lovett," Alice taunted.

"I would hardly call the demon barber of Fleet Street a great love story. Really, you are too bizarre." I quickly added in French, "And you are skating on thin ice, Alice. If Bella cries again I will not be responsible for anything I do to you." I was grateful Bella had taken to ignoring our foreign language conversations.

Alice replied with her thoughts. _Don't even bother trying to threaten me, brother dear. You need to let Bella feel all her feelings. Trying to stifle them will not be helpful in the long run. Trust me. She's just stressed by all the wedding planning. Remember, she's still only human._

I scowled at her but secretly wondered if she was right. I didn't want to stifle any of Bella's feelings, but she had been crying so much lately it had me worried. It wasn't normal. At least, I didn't think it was normal, but not having any previous experience with a human teenage girl, I could not be sure. And Bella was not any where near average, anyway. Her falling in love with me proved that.

In French I said, "Listen to me Alice, if planning this wedding is too much for her perhaps we should scale it back."

_It's not the scale that's the problem. Even if we were only inviting six people she would still have to choose colors and make decisions about the cake. It's normal for her to be like this now. Getting married is a huge step, at any age, and you know with her mother's negative views clouding her judgment, it's just a difficult time for her. But she wants to marry you; just relax and let her get through it as best she can. If that involves some tears, so be it. Have you forgotten what I was like before Jasper and I tied the knot? _

I remembered the weeks leading up to Alice and Jasper's wedding, and recalled how I had felt it necessary to threaten Jasper with total destruction in order to ensure Alice's happiness. I had meant it, too. I would have torn him from limb to limb and struck the match if he had made my little sister unhappy again.

I was lucky no one had done that to me when I foolishly left Bella in the woods. No, my family had been much more tolerant of my mistake; they had argued but ultimately left me alone.

Maybe Alice was right. All weddings were stressful. And the mere idea of Bella getting married so young was enough to put her off her food. I wondered how much of the stress she was feeling was about the wedding and how much was about what would come afterwards. And perhaps she was having doubts about the whole thing. That was a frightening thought; my worst nightmare, in fact.

Continuing our conversation in French I said, "Alice, while I'm gone I don't want you to pester Bella with wedding details; she needs a break and it begins right now. All that can wait until we get back from our trip. Do you understand?"

"_Edward, I still have to go over—"_

"No! Not another question about it with her. I'm putting my foot down. Is that clear?"

_Alright! Calm down. I won't ask her anything about the wedding 'til you get back from your trip. But I'm telling you her reaction to planning the wedding is completely normal. Men just don't seem to understand. It's the most important day of her life. It's natural for her to be nervous about it. But I've seen the wedding and it's going to be beautiful. She is totally committed to you Edward. She wants to be with you more than anything. You need to relax. I think you need this trip more than she does._

I wanted to believe her, but it was difficult. I was asking Bella to be with me forever, to take on my 'lifestyle,' give up her family and friends, every part of her life up to this point. And become a monster, like me. I knew I couldn't give her up, but she was the one who had to make the sacrifice and I hated to see her do it.

As the dreadful film was drawing to a close Bella looked deep in thought. I sighed in frustration, wondering what she was thinking about and knowing I had no way of telling unless she volunteered the information I was so desperately curious about. I decided to take my frustration out on Alice, since I was still annoyed with her.

"Wonderful choice of films, Alice." I knew she understood my sarcasm. "Next time we will let Bella choose the movie."

"No, Edward, it's okay. I liked it." Bella was always so sweet, not wanting anyone's feelings to be hurt.

"She needs to see more than Disney movies, Edward. You can't treat her like a child forever," Alice rubbed it in.

"You are being absurd, Alice. I do not treat her like a child." I would have a few more choice words for her when I returned from taking Bella home to leave on my hunting trip.

"Hey guys, I'm right here," Bella said softly. "I thought the movie was sad, but I did like it. The music was lovely, and so were the colors. Not all movies have to have a happy ending. But sometimes we can learn something from them."

I tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, and ran my fingers through her silky hair. I wished that somehow by touching her I might be able to read her thoughts, but so far this had not helped. It usually increased her heartbeat, though. It thrilled me to know I had that effect on her. But she was so delicate. I sometimes worried that her heart was not up to everything she had to go through because of me. I was going to be the death of her, one way or the other.

"What did you learn from that, Bella?" Now was my chance to find out what she had been thinking. I hung on her every word.

"Just that the decisions you make when you're young can affect your whole life. So you need to be sure when you make a choice that it's the right choice. And stick with it."

Exactly what did she mean by that? Was she having second thoughts? At this late date? Even when she came right out and told me what she was thinking I did not understand how her mind worked. I gave Alice the death stare but she wasn't nearly as frightened as she should have been.

"You should relax, Edward, she still loves you," Alice said, moving off the sofa and toward the stairs. _And isn't that all you really care about?_ "I'm going to leave the two of you alone while I get online and check out the flower market in Amsterdam."

She was making a bigger deal out of this wedding than she had her own. It would have been funny if she weren't so serious about it.

"She's right Edward. I still love you. But that was never in doubt."

I could have kissed her senseless right then and there. I wanted to. But I had to control those urges. And I wanted to believe her words, but it was difficult now, since I did have doubt. That mutt had bombarded me with images of the two of them that planted a seed of doubt in my mind. At first I had ignored it, but with the way she had been acting the past few days, losing weight and being so emotional over everything, it was not like her.

Was she regretting her decision to get married? Had the reality of what she was committing to finally hit her? Was she looking for a way out but didn't want to hurt me? This weekend I would have her all to myself and I could find out what was really bothering her.

I had been putting it off but her emotional state worried me and I needed to find out exactly what the problem was, and fix it if I could. I wouldn't let her throw her life away if she had any doubt about being with me at all.

"I hate to see you cry, especially over a silly film. Alice should have chosen a comedy or let you choose." I brought her palm to my lips, quickly inhaled her delicious scent and then pressed a kiss into her warm flesh._Indescribable. _

"Well, I think the point is to expose me to films I wouldn't ordinarily see. Didn't you at least like the music?"

Was she trying to distract me? Silly Bella; I was not so easily distracted. "Some of it. But nothing that makes you cry."

"Could you play that '_I will wait forever_' song on the piano for me? It reminds me of us because I would wait forever for you."

I could refuse her nothing. "I _have_ waited forever for you. And I would wait a thousand summers if I needed to." Sometimes she was so irresistible I just had to give in to my urges.

I leaned toward her and looked into the depths of her beautiful brown eyes. I loved getting lost in those dazzling eyes. If she only knew what she did to me. I just had to get one kiss before I went to the piano to fulfill her request.

I closed the short distance between her tempting mouth and mine, kissing her softly on the lips, reveling in her body as she pressed it against mine. I felt a jolt of electricity when her warm, pink lips met mine. Sparks went shooting through my cold, hard body. She always had this effect on me. I felt alive again. No, I had never felt this good when I was alive. I ran my hand from her shoulder down her arm and to the tips of her fingers. I loved the feeling of her soft skin and I hated to lose contact with her for even a moment.

But she wanted to hear me play and I wanted above all to please her. I sat down at the piano and began to play the love theme from the movie. I poured all the emotions Bella stirred inside me into the music. Love, tenderness, longing, passion. When I finished with that song I thought of another piece of music that reminded me of her so I began to play it. It was from one of my favorite films, a story I could strongly identify with.

I was almost finished with the piece when I heard Bella say, "Did you write that, Edward?"

"No, do you like it?"

"Yes, it's so sad."

"I thought you would like it. It's from a film score by Michael Nyman. The movie was _Gattaca_. Have you seen it?"

"No. _Gattaca_? What's it about?"

"We have it on DVD if you would like to see it. Technically it's science fiction, but it's actually a much more romantic film than the one we just watched." Almost anything would be, I thought. I was hoping she would show some interest in seeing it, as perhaps it would take her mind of that dreadful _Umbrellas_ movie.

"Oh yes, let's watch it now, please." She sounded like she couldn't wait. I was pleased. Finally a movie I would enjoy seeing. I always enjoyed watching her while she watched these pseudo romantic movies but sometimes they did get to be a bit much. And this was the last time I let Alice suggest a film. She had just lost her cinema privileges.

I located the DVD, put it in the player and returned to the sofa with Bella. It was so much nicer with just the two of us. I was looking forward to our upcoming weekend trip when I would have her all to myself for three days. Every moment with her was special. I took nothing for granted where she was concerned.

She pulled a pillow from the other end of the sofa and put it in my lap so she could lie down and rest on me. This was a good position for me because I could easily smell the delicious fragrance rising from her hair and I had a good view of her creamy white neck. To distract myself from dwelling too much on the proximity of that tempting neck I absentmindedly played with her silky hair.

I was pleased to see she was enjoying this film. It was romantic on many levels, but it wasn't going to have a happy fairy tale ending. I was curious to see how she would react to that.

I pointed out that parts of the movie were filmed in a Frank Lloyd Wright building in Marin County, California. Only I knew the significance of this information, but she would soon find out.

I had loved the music in this movie from the moment I heard it. It perfectly underscored the emotions of the main character, a man who must avoid arousing suspicion while passing tests, evading the police, and not knowing whom he can trust. And then he meets a girl and falls in love. He trusts her with the secret of his identity. A secret that if exposed could get him killed. Even a small child could see the parallels between the main character's situation and my own.

Bella's reactions did not let me down. She was totally captivated by the story and characters. Unfortunately, when one of them died she started to sob. I knew she was enjoying it so I didn't try to stop her. After a bit I said, "Are you going to make me regret showing you this movie?"

"No," she protested, "I really liked it. It was beautiful and so sad." She tried to wipe the tears away from her eyes. "And it wasn't just about family interfering or stupid misunderstandings. I can see why you like it. It brings up so many questions. It was truly heartbreaking… the choices they had to make. I think this was sadder than Romeo and Juliet."

"That surprises me. In what way?"

"Well, she loves him, and does everything she can to help him achieve his dream, and then he leaves her."

Of course that would be the part of the film that made the biggest impression on her. I knew she was thinking about the time I had abandoned her. Did everything lead back to the most stupid decision of my life? Would I go on paying for that mistake until the end of time? Could I ever make it up to her?

"Yes, but he was honest with her. She knew that was going to happen. She even helped to make it happen."

"That's true. I guess, given his situation, it had to happen that way. But it's still very sad," she said thoughtfully.

I vowed that she would never suffer again because of my stupidity. But how to make her understand that sometimes pain was unavoidable? "He gave her what he could of his heart. She knew he was going to leave."

"I know; I guess it had the best ending it could, taking everything into consideration. At least he achieved his dream. And the music was so romantic. Can you play some more for me?"

"I could, but it will cost you." Maybe I could distract her from this romantic movie nonsense.

Her eyes flashed at me. She appeared to take the bait. The game was on.

"What's the price?" she challenged.

"How badly do you want to hear me play?" I hadn't figured out a price and needed to buy some time.

"My desire is lessening by the moment," she replied with some spirit, tossing her head. That was a good sign; I liked it when she was feisty.

"Bella, you are going to hurt my feelings." I tried to look appropriately sad.

"I'm waiting to hear a price." She sounded like she meant business.

"Let me see. How about if you agree to…"

"Stop." She interrupted me. "I've changed my mind. If you don't want to play, that's fine with me. I'm not agreeing to anything now. The moment has passed."

She was being tougher than usual. I hadn't counted on this development.

"My, my, you are growing impatient."

"I'm just not into making deals tonight. Especially after the way you and Alice spoke French all through the first movie. You know that's rude, don't you?"

She had noticed all our conversation. I had thought she was busy reading the subtitles. She was better at multi-tasking than I gave her credit for. I better apologize and quickly before this got out of hand.

"I am sorry. Did I spoil the movie for you?"

"No, not spoil, precisely." Oh, good. She wasn't really mad; she just wanted to tease me.

I leaned over and kissed the tip of her delicate pink nose before I went back to the piano to comply with her original request. I wouldn't make her pay any silly price. I briefly wondered how well I could play the piano with her sitting in my lap. Scratch that idea; I wouldn't get beyond the first eight bars, if that far.

"It would be my pleasure to play for you." I sat down and started to play.

Bella looked to be lost in thought as I played the score. Again I poured out the passion I felt for her and she seemed to respond with a variety of emotions visible on her expressive face. If only I knew exactly what she was thinking.

She shivered and when I saw her yawn I knew it was time to take her back to Charlie's. Her all too human body craved sleep. I thought with pleasure of the day in the near future when I wouldn't have to take her back to Charlie's but even that was tinged with sadness, because soon she would never be able to sleep again. I hoped I would be able to fill all the days and nights with activities that assured her happiness.

I finished the last notes of the score and Bella said, "Thank you, Edward. That was beautiful. Now I will do whatever you want without bargaining. Just name it."

My angel was back. I decided to steer the conversation down a familiar path.

"That's a dangerous offer. You must really trust me."

"I do."

I had made her say it again. I couldn't hide my glee. "My favorite phrase this month."

She giggled delightfully. I suspected she knew what I was up to, but she had decided to find it amusing. She was so adorable at times like these it was all I could do to keep from covering her with kisses from head to toe. I would have to find a way to distract myself from these all too pleasant thoughts or I would be in danger of losing control.

"I have it figured out," I said as if I had been deep in thought.

"What?" I had piqued her curiosity.

"I would like this to count as a 'get out of jail free' card, so to speak. So the next time I do something that annoys you, instead of getting mad at me, I can remind you that you owe me one." I surprised myself with that one; I had pulled it out of thin air and it had a chance of actually working.

"That doesn't sound fair to me. I thought you'd just ask for a kiss," she quickly replied.

Was she out of her mind? Well, yes, she had to be out of her mind to want to marry me, but besides that, what was she thinking?

"One of your kisses is far too valuable to be bargained for, Bella."

That seemed to silence her. Did she not know what even one of her kisses meant to me? I would gladly battle my way through a pack of rabid werewolves if I knew she was waiting on the other side to kiss me.

She got up from the sofa and started toward me. If my heart were still able to beat it would be pounding now at her approach. Was I about to get that aforementioned kiss?

She sat down next to me on the piano bench. I instantly slid my arm around her shoulder and felt her glorious warmth as I pressed her against me. She gazed into my eyes, and I looked longingly into her deep, chocolate pools. I was going to get my kiss one way or another. Then it occurred to me that she was trying to use my own technique on me.

"Bella, are you trying to dazzle me?"

"If you have to ask, I must not be doing a very good job of it," she said in a voice colored with regret.

I could resist her no longer. I slowly leaned down and pressed my lips gently against her luscious, full, pink lips. The feel of her tender skin on mine was exquisite. She brought her small hand up to grasp my neck and pull me even closer to her. Oh, how I wanted to get closer, much closer.

I longed for the day when all the restrictions on us would be lifted. But I also knew what that would mean for her. Her days as a human were numbered. Because of me. And this was the way it had to be for us. Every happy moment tinged with a bit of sorrow.

She twisted around in her eagerness to respond to my kiss and if I hadn't tightened my grip around her waist she would have slid to the floor. I pulled back and said, "Did you know you were about to fall off this bench?"

Her legs were dangling and she tried to straighten up but just ended up clutching onto my shoulder even more. Not that I minded.

"You'll never let me fall," she said, surprising me again with the confidence she has in me. Her trust in me seemed limitless. I couldn't let her down; never again. I knew she deserved much better than me, but if I was what she wanted I would do anything to make her happy.

And as odd as it seemed, she did want me. Forever. Exactly the way I wanted her. I still couldn't believe my good fortune. I couldn't trust that something bad wasn't going to happen before we could set the 'forever' part in motion.

I had to smile at her; she was so charming, so effortless. Her heart was fluttering as she sighed and snuggled against my chest. For me, just a moment like this was worth all of what we went through.

Just then I noticed Alice and Jasper coming downstairs, arm in arm. Much of the time when I was concentrating on Bella I would forget that there were other people in the world. Alice had a thought for me, and then it was clear she wanted to speak to Bella again.

_See, movie night turned out better than you expected, didn't it, Edward?_

"I just wanted to say goodnight and to let you know that your flowers are going to be spectacular," Alice said to Bella as she let go of Jasper and waltzed over to where we were sitting.

I reluctantly released Bella and Alice took her arm and led her back to the sofa. As she began to tell her about the flowers Jasper came over to me at the piano.

_What's wrong, Edward? I can feel worry and apprehension rolling off you from upstairs._

I turned my back to the sofa since I didn't want Bella to see or hear any of this. "We watched one of those stupid romantic movies and she started crying. And when I asked her about it she made some cryptic remark that makes me think she's having second thoughts about the wedding. I hate to ask you, but can you tell what she's feeling?" I said all this so quietly I knew she couldn't hear me.

Jasper was silent for a moment and then said, "You have nothing to worry about. She is nervous but happy and excited. And most of all, she loves you. She would take a bullet for you, as unnecessary as that would be."

I sighed. That wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear. "Why does she seem… I don't know, unhappy, ambivalent… she cries at the drop of hat lately. And you and I know more than almost anyone else, how fickle humans can be."

_You can't seriously be comparing her to the average human. We both know there is no way she falls into that category. All of her feelings are more intense._

"She's very complex, Edward. Maybe that's her way of dealing with all the deep emotions she has. She is not only getting married, she's going to become one of us voluntarily. None of us had that choice. She's got to be going through a tremendous amount of stress. I think she is handling it remarkably well, given the circumstances."

I felt myself scowling at him. If I did not want to face these things that were rushing at us, I could only imagine how hard it was for Bella. She seemed to possess an inner strength that made up for her frail body.

"The overwhelming feeling I get from her is love for you, Edward." _That feeling is always there, stronger than any other. I hope you know you are a lucky man. _

"Thank you, Jasper." His words should have brought me comfort, but they did not. She would not be suffering if not for me. She would not have to face such a dreadful future if not for me. At least Jasper had not mentioned anything about her feelings for the mongrel, Jacob. Just the thought of him made my mouth fill with venom and I swallowed hard before I turned to look at Bella again.

_Calm down. I'm also getting a longing, want and need for you; she's got it as bad as you do, brother. _

"I don't need to hear that from you," I almost snarled.

"Well, you asked what she was feeling, and that's a big part of it."

I sighed as I made my back to where Alice was talking to Bella. Jasper stayed by the piano as I reached Bella and took her delicate little hand and gently lifted her up to stand next to me. I inhaled the air that swirled around her as she dipped her head toward me and shook out her hair. Ambrosia.

"Just say goodnight, Alice, I have to take her back to Charlie's now."

"I know. Goodnight Bella," Alice fussed, giving her a hug. "Don't let Edward keep you up all night; there will be plenty of time for that soon enough," she giggled.

I shot her a withering glance but she continued to giggle as she made her way over to Jasper. He nodded his head in our direction and smiled. _She's so crazy about you, Edward, don't tell me you can't feel it because I know you can. _

I knew he was right about that; she was so crazy she was willing to give up her life for me. That alone could get her committed to a mental hospital. If her father found out. And Jacob knew. The whole pack knew, now. And Jacob had done things in the past to expose her hidden activities to Charlie.

I thought about how upset she had been when she had seen her motorcycle returned by Jacob to Charlie. What if Jacob decided to tell Charlie about our plans before the wedding? He was still so immature and impulsive. He could not be trusted.

It would be breaking the treaty but he had already done that once, when he first exposed our secret to Bella. If not for him she might never have found out what I was. Now his knowledge of our plans was just another potential disaster I had to deal with and try to keep her from thinking about.

I almost expected him to make some kind of a scene at the wedding, but Jasper and Emmett were all ready to quietly dispose of him if the need arose. I suspected that Emmett was pretty much hoping there would be a scene.

I would have to ask Alice to monitor Charlie while we were gone on our weekend adventure. If the dog decided to pay him a visit I would need to know about it as soon as possible. This would upset Bella beyond reason. Charlie's knowledge of my family's secret could endanger his life; I hoped the mongrel would think about that before childishly causing more trouble.

Another thought occurred to me. If not for Jacob, the Volturi would never have found out about Bella. If he had just handed the phone to her when I called, I would not have rushed to Italy like Romeo on crack. Of course I also had to shoulder the blame for my part in that debacle, but he had basically had a free ride for his contribution to the fiasco.

There was really nothing I could do about it now, either. But if he stepped out of line one more time, I wouldn't be responsible for my actions and I would make sure whatever I did, Bella would not find out about it. I would protect her at all costs.

As long as he left us alone I could tolerate his existence for her sake, but if he made any more trouble I would not be sorry to see him vanish, permanently. Bella had cried enough tears over him; I couldn't stand to see her go through that again.

Bella smiled and said, "Goodnight Alice, Jasper. Thanks for everything." My angel was always so thoughtful.

I squeezed her hand gently and basked in its warmth. "Time for someone to get some sleep. Ready to go?"

"Not really, but I know I have to. I will be so happy when you don't have to take me back to Charlie's anymore." Then her expressive face registered sadness but she tried to pretend everything was okay. She was such a bad little actress. I could see tears again on the verge of spilling out of her beautiful eyes, but she struggled against them and bravely smiled at me.

No, I did not deserve someone as thoughtful and wonderful as she was, but I could not let her go now. And, according to Jasper, she would not willingly leave me now, either.

As we drove home she seemed lost in thought. About what I had no clue. It was so frustrating not to be able to hear her thoughts. Was she still thinking about that dismal movie or making wedding plans?

I could not tell from the far away look in her eyes, which she seemed to have most of the time when I looked at her now. It was starting to drive me mad but it was beyond my control. I longed for some sort of clue but it was not forthcoming.

I held her soft little hand in mine and thought about our upcoming weekend away. Charlie had accepted the fiction that now that school was out my parents wanted to take Bella on a camping trip with them, for more bonding between Bella and Esme and Alice.

Little did Charlie know Bella was already so bonded to Alice and Esme it would take a blowtorch to separate them. But the excuse worked well enough to conceal my true plans, which I had even managed to keep a secret from Bella.

This was only possible because of my recent birthday. Everyone in my family knew better than to make any fuss about the date of my birth, but Bella wanted to celebrate. I was not happy about anything that drew more attention to the vast true difference in our ages. For all intents and purposes I was a 17 year old; I looked like one and Bella made me feel like one, most of the time.

When she asked if she could get me a present I detected an opportunity to make a deal. I told her what I would like most was to be able to surprise her with a weekend trip, no questions asked. At first she flatly refused. No deal, she said, that was not a birthday present.

But I persuaded her that this was one thing she could give me that would truly make me happy, and it wouldn't even cost her a penny. She weakly protested a bit longer but I could tell I had won and began to make my plans in earnest.

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_The backstory about Edward_ threatening to destroy Jasper before his wedding to Alice was inspired by the most wonderful story called _You've Kept Me Waiting_, by Mandi1. It's listed near the top of my 'Favorite Stories' if you want to find the link there. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend that you do, it's fantastic.

My thanks again to _not done baking_ for her mad beta skills.


	4. Hearts Remote, Not Yet Assunder

Chapter 4: Hearts remote, yet not asunder

And now here it was, Thursday morning and I was alone at Charlie's, thinking of Edward. Some things never changed. In an effort to distract myself from worrying about him, I tried to keep busy but not so busy that I required a trip to the emergency room. This somewhat limited my activities, but reading Jane Austen on a blanket in the backyard seemed safe enough. Or it was until it started raining.

I gave up on spending the day by myself and got in my ancient truck and started making my way to the Cullen's beautiful white house, missing Edward more and more the closer I got to it. I had an inspiration on the way, and hanging out with Alice would be better than moping around my bedroom by myself.

The whole time I was driving I was thinking of Edward and how much he meant to me. I knew now that even one of his guarded kisses, filled with love, was better than anything else I had ever experienced. I couldn't wait for the day when we didn't have to be so cautious, though.

I was only human, and pathetically weak, as I was so often reminded. I longed for the day when this wasn't so. And although Edward has agreed to change me after we were wed, I was so afraid it wasn't going to happen.

He wanted me to be with him forever, so he said, but I couldn't let myself believe it until it actually happened. He still wasn't exactly enthusiastic about me becoming a vampire, and when I tried to ask him something about what my new life would be like, he was reluctant to answer, saying there would be plenty of time for that later.

I would feel my heart sink when he brushed away my concerns like that. I couldn't figure out if this was just another one of his techniques designed to protect me or if it was a tactic to delay the inevitable. He knew it was the only way we could truly be together and he said that's what he wanted. I had a nagging feeling that I wanted it more than he did.

Of course I wanted it more than he did. I was about to win the lottery. I was going to get the grand prize and in getting me, he was going home with a lovely parting gift. I was worried that even after I became a vampire I would never gain the beauty and grace Edward seemed so effortlessly to possess.

He was perfect. He had an unlimited amount of self-control. While he claimed to be looking forward to the wedding and all that came after, he had assured me many times that he could wait for me forever. He wouldn't mind if I stayed human for several more years. It was my choice.

I had made my choice and waiting for it all to happen was beginning to wear on my nerves. The summer days that stretched out ahead of me seemed endless. We had been through so many traumatic events in the past few weeks, and while I was glad it was over, I was having a hard time settling back into a normal life.

I wanted to be with Edward all the time. I hated it when he left me, even for five minutes. It was like as soon as he left a room all the lights went out. All the air was sucked out of the room and I would find myself in a sort of suspended animation. I hated to admit it, but it was kind of like my life just stopped when he wasn't around. I had little appetite and little interest in what was going on in the world. The world could not make me feel the way Edward did. No one could.

I wanted to be holding his hand, or feel his arms around me night and day. I had been in love with him before but now it seemed to have moved into a new stage, something I was unfamiliar with. It was certainly not unpleasant, but I felt this longing for him that didn't lessen, even when he was with me.

I found excuses to bury my nose in his chest and inhale his unique scent. I wanted to hear his velvet voice, breathe in his intoxicating breath, feel the electric spark when his skin touched mine, and taste him on my lips.

I would press myself against his chest as hard as I could and I would feel his strong, cool arms crush me to him, and even that was not enough. Would anything ever be enough? Was it possible to get enough of Edward? I would like to have the opportunity to find out.

I suspected this wasn't normal, but hey, when was I ever normal? I was in love with a mythical creature and he amazingly returned my love. I found it hard to believe he had no appetite when I wasn't around, though.

His hunting trips had become something of a sore subject with me, although I tried to keep from showing him that side of my selfish nature. I tried to be brave and generous, for his sake, because I knew he needed to hunt. I could identify the particular shades of his gorgeous eyes and tell exactly what level of need he was subject to.

When he postponed hunting so he wouldn't have to leave me our physical contact took on a hightened edge. When he was holding me he would get this almost frantic look in his eyes and then he would kiss me and I would be swept away, as I frequently was, but he would turn to stone in my arms. It was like trying to kiss Michaelangelo's statue of David.

Worse still, sometimes he would just abruptly pull away and I would look up to find him on the other side of the room. He always apologized profusely whenever this happened, saying I wasn't to blame; it was all his fault. That's when I would know I had pushed him too far and it was time for him to go out and find something suitable to eat, since I was not on the menu.

Reading, one of my favorite activities, had lost its allure. I found it hard to focus on a page and when I did, I would read the same paragraph over and over. I would find my mind wandering back to Edward, and if I looked at the clock once, I looked at it fifty times in a half hour.

I was unable to sit still and my room had never been cleaner or more well organized. The whole house was spotless and Charlie had never been so well fed. It was almost like I was trying to make up for the time in the near future when I knew I wouldn't be able to prepare dinner for him anymore. Why did all the good things in my life come at such a high price?

As I swerved along the meandering road nearing their house I caught sight of the giant cedars and I could smell their wonderful comforting aroma floating in the late June mist.

Alice was skipping around the front porch impatiently waiting for me to park my truck. "Bella!" she exclaimed as I eyed her warily, wondering what fresh mischief she had conjured up in anticipation of my spontaneous visit.

I suspected that Alice knew what I wanted to do before my old red truck's ancient windshield wipers came to a halt in the light rain.

"Hi, Alice," I called, climbing the stairs to the porch. She enveloped me in her cool, elegant arms and gave me a big hug.

"Hey, Bella. I'm so glad you dropped by."

"I've come with a special request," I started, hoping to steer the afternoon in a productive direction.

"I know, and I've already got all the elements in place," she said eagerly, leading me up the stairs to Edward's bedroom.

I wasn't surprised that she'd had a vision of my plan. "Before we get started I wanted to talk to you about something while Edward can't hear us," I said we approached his room.

"I thought all of this was a secret," Alice said with an impish smile.

"It is, but this is about the wedding," I said, and she looked even more excited than she had at my arrival. She began to bounce.

"Calm down, Alice, I need you to focus," I told her as I sat down on Edward's black leather sofa.

She gracefully folded her legs under herself and draped one arm along the back of the sofa. "I'm focused like a laser beam, Bella. What is it?"

"I love my dress, and I was just wondering if Edward had his wedding suit picked out yet?"

"Well, he has some formal wear already, a tux, and a morning suit. I'm not sure what he's going to wear. I've kind of been concentrating on you and all the other details." She sounded a little guilty, like I had caught her without her homework assignment done.

"That's what I thought. In the truck coming down your driveway it occurred to me that it would be nice if Edward had a suit that went with my dress. Something new but reminiscent of 1918; maybe a long coat, and sort of old fashioned collar and cuffs. I don't really know what that style would look like, but I figured you would."

She threw her arms around me and gave me another hug. "It's so thoughtful of you to come up with that. You two are going to look so perfect. I know exactly what you mean, and I'll get started on it today. I'm sure he will be happy about it, especially when he finds out it was your idea."

"Do you think there's any way we could keep it a surprise until the last minute? You know how hard it is to surprise him, and I thought this would be fun."

"I don't know, Bella. I'm not even supposed to be discussing the wedding with you while he's gone."

"What? Why not?"

"He thinks you need a little break from all the wedding plans."

I secretly agreed with him about that, but I wasn't happy that he had gone behind my back to prohibit Alice from even talking to me about it. At least he could have told me.

"Okay, Alice, but let's try to keep it a secret from him for as long as possible. I guess he might need to try the clothes on before the big day, anyway."

"That's not really a problem. He has perfect proportions. He's very easy to shop for, for clothes anyway."

"Why does that not surprise me?" Another example of Edward's perfection, as if I needed one.

Alice frowned. "Why does that make you sad, Bella?"

I hadn't realized I was looking sad. Would I ever conquer my insecurities? "It doesn't make me sad. It's just that I can never reach his level of perfection and I don't really know what he sees in me. I'm just not that special."

"I never thought I'd say this, but maybe you do need a break from planning the wedding. Trust me, Bella, Edward is a different person since he met you. He's never been in love with anyone but you, and you bring out the best in him. You are beyond special."

"Really, Alice? I would like to believe that; he does seem happier now than when we first met. But I've caused so much trouble for him, and all of you. And you've all gone out of your way over and over to help me…"

"Bella, you are family," she said fiercely. "You and Edward were meant for each other, and you were not the cause of any trouble. James and Victoria were evil; it was our fault for exposing you to them. You have no idea how much Edward and I both regret not being able to prevent that from happening."

"Alice, please don't blame yourself. You had no way of knowing what they would do before they saw me. And I was so happy to be here with Edward that day, nothing could have kept me away."

"You are the sweetest girl, Bella. No wonder Edward loves you."

"I know he loves me Alice. I mean, my mind knows it, and I know we're getting married and all, but he still doesn't seem thrilled about the idea of me becoming one of you." Maybe she could give me some perspective about Edward. They were very close, almost like twins with their special gifts.

"His nature will never let him be truly happy about that, but believe me, he has made the decision and he will follow through with it. And he will be happy when it is over and you are one of us. He just can't bear to see you in pain, and he hates that he's the one who is going to hurt you."

"But it would hurt me much more if he didn't change me. Doesn't he understand that?"

"I think this is something you should talk to him about, Bella."

"I've made myself clear about this subject more than once."

"He has agreed to do it. You have no idea what a relief that was for me. I felt responsible for you, you know. Because of our promise."

"I'm sure you were relieved. And so was I, and so happy. But lately he won't talk about it at all and I can tell he's not happy about it. I'm a little afraid he's going to back out."

"No, he won't back out. But if it's really bothering you so much, you should tell him. You need to be honest with him, Bella. It drives him crazy when he doesn't know what you're thinking, and he always imagines the worst."

She might be right, but talking to him about this subject wasn't easy. He tended to shut down completely and he just wouldn't respond. It was almost as if he was hurting himself now because he knew he was going to have to hurt me during my transformation.

And before, when he didn't want to hurt me he left me, almost killing me. I couldn't risk letting that happen again. Maybe I should just keep my concerns to myself and trust that he would go through with it all when the time came.

"Enough about me, let's get to work," I said, grabbing her hand and getting off the sofa.

She already had a stack of cds sitting next to his laptop. But before we could get started, Rosalie called to Alice with a question about music in foreign languages; she had some CDs in French and thought they might be a good idea. Alice left me alone on the black leather sofa while she went to sort Rosalie out.

It surprised me that she had enlisted Rosalie in this scheme. But since Edward announced our engagement, Rosalie had started to soften toward me. I couldn't quite figure it out but I wasn't going to question it, either.


	5. Always Lose To You: BPOV & EPOV

**AN: **_**Fanfiction Award Voting started on May 15**__**th**__**, 2008.**_ **Thanks to you, my loyal readers, **_**Blue Moon Over Manka's**_** was nominated for an award at The Denali Coven website. My nomination was for **_**The Danger Magnet Award**_**, representing the Best Bella Characterization, and it won. Thanks for your support. **

**There is a clickable link to listen to the song referenced in this chapter on my Profile page. The artist, Sky Nelson, has recently made the song a free download, so please take a moment to download it first, listen to it, and then read this chapter. You might want to check out the rest of his songs while you're there.**

**This chapter contains two points of view: first Bella's and then Edward's. You can read them in any order; if you want to read Edward's first, just scroll midway down the page. **_**While you read, think about what you want to leave in your review.**_

_**

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**Alice led me upstairs to Edward's room. She already had a stack of cds sitting next to his laptop, but before we could get started, Rosalie called to Alice with a question about music in foreign languages. She had some cds in French and thought they might be a good idea. Alice left me alone on the black leather sofa while she went to sort Rosalie out._

**Chapter 5: _Always Lose To You_**

Already keyed up by Alice's excitement I couldn't sit still on the sofa. I walked around Edward's room, and it was too quiet without him. His scent lingered everywhere though, making it feel like I could turn around and see him at any moment. I went up to his cd player and pressed 'Play.' I hoped hearing what he had been listening to before he left for his hunting trip would make me feel closer to him.

I heard a beautiful solo piano refrain begin. It's haunting simplicity reminded me of Edward's gentle caressing of the keys when he played my lullaby. This melody was sad and sweet at the same time. Then I heard the first line of the song and it sent a chill down my spine.

_You don't deserve the kindness I give_

I could hear his voice in that first line, reproaching me for my unforgivable behavior with Jacob. A tidal wave of guilt swept over me as I remembered the last time I spent with Jacob. I involuntarily bit my lower lip, thinking of how I betrayed Edward. How could I? After all we've been through, after how much I've wanted to be with him, how could I let myself be influenced so much by Jacob? How could I fool myself into thinking for even a moment that I was in love with him?

_I don't need words on your lips_

_It's killing me to find my way with you_

_I've done everything you've asked me to _

I knew it was torture for Edward to be so close to me, with my blood calling to him all the time. He had warned me from the beginning to stay away from him, that he was dangerous, a threat to my life. I had told him it didn't matter, and it was true. It didn't matter to me that he wanted my blood; I was drawn to him and I stubbornly refused to leave him alone, regardless of how difficult it made his life.

Edward had done everything I asked him to, except change me. The one thing that would ensure we could be together forever. I knew it was killing him to contemplate damning my soul to an eternal hell. Was that really the problem, or was I just not good enough for him? He was so beautiful, so smart, so graceful, so masculine, so powerful, so perfect; and I wasn't.

I was barely able to navigate my way across a room without tripping over my own feet. I usually had some body part in a cast or bandage. I was well read, but I would never be able to catch up with his knowledge. He had over 80 years on me, two terms in medical school and god knows what else. He had lived several lifetimes already, although always as a seventeen year old; and I was getting older everyday.

Before I met him I had merely existed. I always felt out of place, clumsy and ordinary. When I felt his love it changed me. It gave me courage and I found an inner strength I didn't know I had. His happiness was the most important thing in the world to me, and I knew my place was with him, for all time.

_So just see through me, don't let my lies become the truth_

_I might as well surrender, because I always lose to you. _

The only time he lied to me, saying he didn't want me, was for my own good. I had believed him. It was only logical that he would come to his senses and realize I wasn't good enough for him. Later he made me understand what a bitter lie that was and how he didn't want to go on without me. Unfortunately, after the disaster we called my birthday party, when Jasper couldn't control himself and tried to kill me, Edward thought it would be better if I had a normal human life, as if that could ever happen after meeting him.

Even when I believed he was gone and would never return I still loved him. I chose to love him; even though he had ripped my heart out of my chest, I still chose to love him. I never stopped loving him, not even for a moment. Not even when I was in a catatonic state. Not even when my mother tried to drag me back to Florida with her. I had clung to a shred of hope that one day he would return. I only allowed myself the tiniest flicker of hope that I would get a second chance with him, and miraculously that had happened.

I would always love him. I would always be in love with him. He sacrificed his happiness to make sure I would be safe and live a long, human life with a husband and children. Things he couldn't give me. Things I told him I didn't want. Things I had thought about having with Jacob. What a mistake that was.

_You tell me you love me; you say that I'm strong. _

_But looking back, it's like you led me along._

I wasn't sure how much he knew of what went on with Jacob, and I was afraid to bring it up. I just wanted to put it in the past and never think about it again. Then I would hear a song like this and it would bring back all the feelings, all the guilt and remorse.

_And every word left a thought unsaid. _

_Those are the echoes that last in my head._

What would happen if Edward did find out that I had envisioned having children with Jacob? He would be so hurt, feel so betrayed, and he would be right. He was too good for me but I loved him more than anything, more than anyone, more than life itself. Maybe it wasn't healthy, but I didn't care.

He had said I was his drug of choice and he was surely mine. There was no rehab for either one of us. I would do anything to be with Edward and he had to understand that. I had to make sure he believed in my love for him. Thank goodness he couldn't read my mind. If he could sift through my thoughts it would only cause him more pain.

_So just see through me don't let my lies become the truth_

_And I might as well surrender because I always lose to you_

I was grateful to Jacob for picking up the pieces when Edward abandoned me. I had nothing left to live for when I thought he had rejected me. He was my first love, my only love, the love of my life, and the love that was going to be responsible for my death, one way or the other. Between James, Victoria, Laurent and the Volturi, my life was constantly in danger, simply by loving Edward.

When I thought he didn't want me anymore, I had done increasingly stupid, risky things to endanger my own life, all so I could hear Edward's voice in my head, telling me he still cared about what happened to me. We had both been absolutely miserable without each other.

I drifted toward the wall of windows and looked at the sky. The storm was getting worse, rain falling in sheets from dark gray clouds. I shivered and remembered the blizzard on the mountaintop that horrible day. Then the music changed and suddenly it's as if Jacob was singing the next part of the song to me.

_It's your encouragement that draws me in_

_You give me just enough to try again_

Jacob had been there for me in my darkest hour. He had been a good friend when I didn't even want one. He wouldn't give up on me, even when I gave up on myself. There was a piece of my heart that belonged to Edward, the largest piece, and I felt so empty when he was gone.

It was like he had cut that part of my heart out and took it with him when he left me alone in the woods. Slowly, Jacob began to make a place for himself in what was left of my shattered heart, but had I invited him in? Had I confused gratitude with love?

_But time reveals you've got no love to spend_

_You're a promise that was made to bend_

I had broken Jacob's heart when I allowed him to think I loved him and wanted to have a life with him. I was able to see a future with him, but it would have been a future without Edward, and as soon as I realized that, I couldn't face it. As much as I appreciated everything Jacob had done for me, and as much as I could feel the love he had for me, it just wasn't enough.

For a moment I had thought that it might be enough, that I could be happy, but with my next breath I remembered Edward and I knew he was my destiny. As long as he was out there, longing for me, loving me, I had to be with him. I was alive, but I had no life without him. If I was honest with myself, life just wasn't worth living without him. I could choose to have a life with Jacob, but I would never love him the way I loved Edward.

_So just see through me don't let my lies become the truth_

_I might as well surrender cause I always lose to you_

I was such a horrible person, how could those two both be in love with me? Why did my happiness always mean that I had to hurt someone else? As much as I cared for Jacob, I had to face the truth. He didn't make my heart race the way Edward did, and my heart didn't ache for Jacob when we were apart. He was my best friend. He was a comfort, a refuge, escape from a future that included certain death and unending night.

Jake had been so relentless. He wouldn't take no for an answer; he kept pushing me to fall in love with him. He knew how I felt about Edward and disregarded it. He ignored my wishes and disrespected my decisions.

I knew what he was doing and I let him do it. I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't stand up for Edward. I wasn't worthy of Edward. I wasn't even worthy of Jacob. If I had chosen Jacob it surely would have ended badly, one way or the other. Doubtless the Volturi would have come looking for me, Jacob would have tried to defend me, and we both would have been killed.

It was no wonder I turned to him when the war was over though. He was lying there, broken because of me. As strong as Jacob was, he was not indestructible. He was vulnerable, and he would do anything to protect me. He risked his life to save me, and suffered the wounds to prove it. I hated to see him hurt like that, because of me. I wanted to take his pain away. I tried to, but I only ended up hurting him worse. My selfishness knew no bounds.

The stress we had all been under had pushed my mind beyond its limits. Victoria had been so terrifying I was almost scared out of my wits. Edward had been so strong, so capable, indestructible, as he was always trying to reassure me. Jacob had been the one to shed blood for me. He needed me, and I had gone to him.

Fortunately I realized what a mistake that was, how I would never have been truly happy with him, as long as I still had a memory of Edward. My loving Edward would never stop. He was my past and my future. He would be my eternity. He was my choice, and I knew now that it was the right choice.

_Yes I might as well surrender because I always lose to you._

_

* * *

__**Edward's point of view, Wednesday night, after Bella falls asleep and he goes back home.**_

I was so excited about this getaway weekend I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like bouncing around the room like Alice on steroids. I would have Bella all to myself for three whole days. I was taking her out of the state, an offense that I could be arrested for, not to mention what her father, Charlie, would do to me if he knew.

Three whole days alone with her exquisite scent and her even more tempting body; I could pretend it was our honeymoon. It was my fantasy come true and I could imagine whatever I wanted, since I knew we still had boundaries that could not be crossed.

I could lie in bed with her all night and be there in the morning when she woke up and wouldn't have to worry about Charlie interrupting us. It was going to be heaven and hell at the same time. I would be testing the limits of my self-control as it was, but that was not new territory. Every minute spent with her was some kind of a test for me.

I was the luckiest man alive. Well, not exactly alive, but still, the luckiest man. I had no right to complain. The most beautiful girl in the world was in love with me. Mere mortals didn't stand a chance. I didn't even have to dazzle her, well, not much anyway, to get her to fall in love with me.

I had to stop thinking about her; if not, I would run right back to her house instead of going hunting. What was keeping Emmett? He knew we needed to go, and soon. I listened for a moment and heard a low moan from Rosalie. For crying out loud, we were only going to be gone overnight. Did they have no self-control?

Well, that was a stupid question. Anticipation of this weekend trip was turning my brain to mush. I would give them five more minutes and then I would grab Jasper and we would take off in Emmett's jeep and he could just run to catch up with us.

I walked over to my cd player and slipped in a new cd I had ordered on the Internet because the artist was local to the area where I was going to take Bella. It was possible that we might see him perform on Saturday night at a club near the resort. I pressed 'play' and heard a romantic piano introduction. The melody was soft and sweet, and it reminded me of Bella. Then I listened to the opening lyrics of the song and I froze.

_You don't deserve the kindness I give_

_I don't need words on your lips_

I instantly thought of how unworthy I was of Bella's kindness and love. She was a goddess of forgiveness and understanding, and I was destined to disappoint her. I had already crushed her once, leaving her for her own good. My stupidity knew no bounds. My inexperience with love had caused me to wrongly make a near fatal decision, one that I would pay for until the end of time.

I saw the hurt and pain in her eyes when something would remind her of the time when I was away on my self-imposed exile. She didn't need to be reminded of my vile words. I'm sure they were seared into her memory. The good things she could probably forget, but my disgraceful behavior was unforgettable.

_It's killing me to find my way with you_

_I've done everything you've asked me to_

This song would destroy me. It was mocking me. By finding her way with me she would have to die. I had fought against that inevitability for as long as I could, and I still could not make myself be happy about it. I knew it was what she said she wanted, but she didn't understand what it really meant. The endless nights, the endless thirst, the endless struggle against the demon inside you. The searing pain of transformation; I couldn't bear to think of her suffering that kind of pain. How I wished I could take the pain instead of her.

She had done everything I asked of her; she was so loving and giving. Her kindness knew no bounds. She was so trusting. She curled up next to me every night and went to sleep. She was totally defenseless against me and yet she wanted me there, holding her, breathing in her scent, watching her beautiful eyelashes rest on her soft cheek.

She was so frail and vulnerable, and yet she went along with whatever I wanted, never giving a thought to her personal safety. I could so easily take what I wanted from her, leaving her dead or worse, but she put all her faith in me and I had let her down before.

_So just see through me, don't let my lies become the truth_

_I might as well surrender, because I always lose to you_

What were Bella's lies? If she lied to me it was to protect my feelings. Perhaps she was just saying she wanted to become a vampire but she didn't really mean it. How could she? She knew it was the only way to be with me, so she would agree to it, whether it was what she wanted or not.

She also said she didn't want children, that it would not be a sacrifice to be with me. How could that be true? She was too young to even make that kind of decision. What if she really did dream of being a mother and suppressed those urges in order to be with me? I couldn't let her do that if she was lying about it.

She would do or say anything to be with me, she had already proved that. She had surrendered so much to be near me and she was going to lose her life if I continued to be so selfish.

_You tell me you love me; you say that I'm strong. _

_But looking back, it's like you led me along._

I did love her. I loved her more than she loved me, but she didn't believe this. I love her so much that I know her being with me is wrong and I still can't tear myself away. The only way she could be happy without me now was if she lost all her memories of me. She would have to have a permanent case of amnesia in order to live a life without me.

I had left her before and it nearly killed her. I'm sure it would kill her if I ever left again. I told her she was strong because I wanted her to believe it, but she was still so fragile.

I've seen the frightened look in her eyes when she even thinks I am leaving. It seemed that there was nothing I could do now that would ever erase the memory of that horrible time when I left her alone. What had I been thinking? To have made her believe she was just a distraction, that I never cared for her at all, I must have been insane. I was trying to protect her from me, from this eternal damnation, and instead, condemned her to a different kind of hell.

_And every word left a thought unsaid. _

_Those are the echoes that last in my head. _

Why hadn't she argued with me? How could she think so little of herself as to believe my twisted lies? Why couldn't I make her see how beautiful she was? She still saw me as some bizarre perfect man, not the dark and broken creature of the night that inhabits this never-changing body. She thought she wasn't good enough for me. How had I allowed myself to fall in love with her? I was irresponsible and foolish. How had I allowed her to fall in love with me? That was the unforgivable sin.

_So just see through me don't let my lies become the truth_

_And I might as well surrender because I always lose to you_

_It's your encouragement that draws me in_

_You give me just enough to try again_

I knew she was going to be a problem the moment I caught her scent. I wanted to slaughter everyone in the room in order to have her to myself. What a wonderful introduction that would have been. Had I killed all those innocent children and then looked into her expressive brown eyes… what would I have seen? The compassion she extends to everyone, as freely as she breathes, or would sheer terror have replaced every other possible emotion?

Would she have been able to place one of her delicate hands on my chest and whisper my name? If she had reached out and touched my hand or my face, I might have stopped then, shocked by the electricity that would have flowed between us. As much as I wanted to taste the sweetest nectar that flowed in her veins, I think I would have been able to resist. I hoped I would have. I was so weak, so pathetic. So undeserving of her love.

_But time reveals you've got no love to spend_

_You're a promise that was made to bend_

Whatever problems we had today all went back to when I had taken her into the woods, lied to her, made her believe I never loved her, and shook her to her core. She still hadn't properly recovered. She still didn't completely trust me. She still lived in fear that one day I would leave her again, no matter how many times I promised I wouldn't.

That's one reason why I was so eager to get married. Surely her fears would ease once we were man and wife. I knew her parents divorced when she was very young, but she couldn't think that we would ever get divorced. I would never leave her again; I could conceive of a day when she might want to leave me, though.

After she was changed she could come to regret it and hate me. That was my biggest fear now. She would finally see me for the horrible monster I was, and she would hate me for turning her into one as well. As a newborn all her senses would be so intense and different, she would need much training and if she could not adapt she would be miserable and blame me. Of course, it would be my fault. Every bad thing that happened to her could be laid at my doorstep.

Why couldn't I be the responsible adult that I should be? Why must I be the reckless teenager this body masquerades as? She deserved someone better than me. Someone who could take care of her properly, instead of constantly putting her in danger.

When I think of what James did to her, and how she never once tried to blame me. She tried to protect me-- from a sadistic vampire. She put her fragile body in danger to save me. She went to him willingly. She had more courage in her tiny, frail body than was good for her. If only she were not so brave, not so fearless, but then she would have run screaming away from me long ago.

_So just see through me don't let my lies become the truth_

_I might as well surrender cause I always lose to you_

Did she see herself as losing to me? This struggle we were in, to find a way to be together, was it a losing battle for her? It didn't seem to matter what the outcome, she was always going to lose to me. If I left her, she said she couldn't survive. If I married her, and made her like me, she would have to die, and face eternal damnation. It was a lose-lose situation.

The day she met me was the unluckiest day of her life. This knowledge made me want to go find the deepest cave I could and crawl into it, sealing the entrance behind me with a huge boulder.

I loved her and because of that, her future would forever be altered. This was pure torture. I wanted her with me, day and night, and I was going to make that happen. She said that was what she wanted, too, but I still had doubts. How could she be ready to end her own life? She had such a bright future ahead of her. I would be happy to put her through any college she wanted to go to.

Maybe I could convince her to remain human for a while longer. Maybe in that time she would rethink her decision to be changed. I knew she would bring up the Volturi, but I could protect her and deal with them when the time came. We could fake her death and make them think she was gone. If that failed, there were other options. I knew if worst came to worst, I could volunteer to join them and they would leave her alone as part of the deal. I would be miserable without her, but as long as she was safe I would accept my fate.

_Yes I might as well surrender because I always lose to you._

As the last notes of the song faded away I came back to reality. I was a few weeks away from marrying the only woman I had ever loved, and who loved me. The only person who had ever made me feel alive again. Who loved me enough to give her life for me. She was determined and stubborn and beautiful. She held such power over me.

If she even thought I had ideas about not changing her she would be furious. She was so attractive when her eyes flashed and her cheeks flushed; she clenched her little fists and stamped her foot, as if that would have an effect on my granite body.

It did have an effect on my body, just not the one she intended. I was totally under her spell. The wild, vicious vampire tamed by the beautiful human girl. I was sure stranger things had happened, but I didn't know what they were.

She claimed we were meant to be together. Maybe she was right. I would have to trust her. It was frightening to know she held my very existence in her easily broken, delicate hands, but she was stronger than she appeared to be. She had an inner core of steel, and a mind no one could penetrate.

I wished I could know what she was really thinking; it would make things so much easier for me. I could only hear what she wanted to tell me; this was the agony I endured to be near her. As much as I tried to draw her out, I knew she kept secrets from me. I guess that was only fair, since there were things I didn't want her to find out about either.

And while I knew she didn't tell me everything, those bits she left out might be the ones that would make a difference to our future. If only I could be with her right now. Who was I kidding… I always wanted to be with her. I tried not to be selfish where she was concerned, but I didn't always succeed.

This matter of the wedding was one example. I knew she was only getting married to please me; I wondered how much I was going to pay for this selfishness in the future.

Whatever the price, it would be worth it to have my ring on her finger and know she would be beside me for all time.

I finally found a reason to look forward to another day, and the reason was Bella. I could face anything if she were with me. I would have to focus on that, and do everything in my power to make her happy and to make sure she never regretted her decision to be with me. That would be a goal worthy of an eternity.

**_I hope you actually went to my Profile Page, clicked on the link and listened to this song; how about a review now? _**

**Thanks to not done baking for being a super beta. Song lyrics for _Always Lose To You_ belong to Sky Nelson. No copyright infringement intended.**


	6. Our Deeds Are Seeds of Fate

**Chapter 6:** Our Deeds Are Seeds of Fate

_Thursday evening_

When I emerged from Edward's room four hours later I was carrying a small, brown Louis Vuitton shoulder bag Alice insisted I take, the status symbol wasted on me, but it safely held the results of this afternoon's labor, so I was satisfied.

Alice had been a big help, and she had even enlisted Rosalie in the conspiracy. I had been surprised, but it turned out to be a pleasant surprise. Rosalie had a lot of suggestions about the music and about my relationship with Edward. Since she had known him for so long, I was very interested to hear what she had to say. I was shocked that she was talking to me at all, and I found some of her suggestions shocking, too. But I could tell she meant well, and I was happy about that.

Evidently since we started planning the wedding and Rosalie knew I was going to be part of the family she had decided to accept me. She still thought I was crazy to give up my human life, but she also knew it was my choice. I knew this whole situation wasn't easy for her, but she said Edward was happier with me than without me, and therefore the whole family was happier, so she would give me a chance.

I had the feeling I still had to prove myself before she would completely accept me, and I had no idea what that would entail, but I was just grateful for any opportunity she wanted to give me.

They vowed to try to keep Edward from finding out about my secret project, and I would just have to wait and see if they were successful.

The storm had passed and it had stopped raining although it was still overcast. I made the trip from my afternoon visit with Alice to back home without incident and began puttering around in the kitchen, preparing dinner and meals for Charlie to heat up over the weekend, when he wasn't ordering pizza.

Charlie was appreciative of the enchilada casserole I made, and said he'd enjoy what was left of it again on Saturday night. He thought I was going camping with Edward, Alice and their parents, Esme and the esteemed Carlisle. Charlie thought so much of Carlisle that he didn't question any of my plans.

And since Charlie had a soft spot for Alice, he was glad she would be along, too. It was fortunate that Charlie was well acquainted with Cullen family's passion for hiking and camping, so this trip didn't seem unusual.

I assured him we would be back by Sunday night, and we were reachable by cell phone (when we were within range), and I would be totally safe with Carlisle and Esme (not to mention Edward, who would gladly throttle anyone who looked at me sideways). Since Charlie had acknowledged that Edward could be trusted to be responsible with me things were a bit easier for us.

We had almost finished eating when Charlie said something that surprised me. "Bells, I was just thinking about that evening when you told me you had been over to Dr. Cullen's and you were dating Edward."

Crap. There was no way this conversation was going to turn out well. All hell had broken loose that night after the baseball game and I had ended up days later in the hospital in Phoenix. And I had said terrible things to Charlie before I left.

It must have been really hard on him to hear those things from me and then find out I had a fight with a boyfriend he hardly knew about and then see me return in my injured state, cast and all.

He must have been questioning my mental state then. So my depression later shouldn't have come as much of a surprise. Unfortunately, Charlie laid all my problems at Edward's door. I hoped against hope he wasn't going to say something else bad about Edward or the wedding. I decided to proceed with extreme caution.

"Yes, I remember that night."

"I was just thinking you must have been seeing him already; I mean, that wasn't really your first date, was it?"

I hadn't expected that question. How much thought had Charlie been giving this? I started to feel like he had hauled me down to the station for interrogation. I put down my fork. It was a good thing I was almost done since I now had no appetite.

"No, not exactly. I had been seeing Edward since the first day of school, when I moved here." Technically that was the truth. I had been intrigued with him from day one.

Charlie continued chewing, waiting for me to go on with my explanation.

"You know he was my lab partner in Biology. We had lunches together. He saved my life when Tyler's van almost hit me. We grew close over time. But it wasn't like I was sneaking around and dating him behind your back," I hurried to assure him, skating dangerously close to the edge of the truth. "Fate just kind of kept throwing us together."

"I see. I thought there had to be more to it than you let on when you took off for Phoenix."

"That was a terrible misunderstanding. I know our relationship may seem… unusual, but I can assure you that we are on the right track now and we plan to stay on it. We've both made mistakes in the past but we've learned from them."

"I know you care about him, maybe too much. How can you be sure he won't hurt you again?"

I sighed. I guess he had a right to ask that. "Since Edward returned and we got back together, have I been unhappy?"

"Well, you came home pretty upset not that long ago."

"That was about Jake, not Edward. And you know it wasn't the first time Jake upset me." I rubbed my recently healed hand for emphasis.

"I know Jake's a little wild, but he's young."

"Yes, he's too young for me. He's like my little brother." We both smiled at that, thinking of how unbelievably tall Jake had grown.

"Edward hasn't done anything to upset me since we got back together. In fact, quite the opposite. He goes out of his way to make sure I'm happy. You know he's adamant about my going to college. We don't plan on having kids right away, so you don't have to worry about that." I hated saying things like that, but if he needed reassuring, I would do what was necessary.

"I know all that. But things happen, Bells. People get married and then they change their mind. Marriage is not a guarantee of happiness."

I knew he was thinking about Renee. Charlie was a Swan, and like swans, he had mated for life. Unfortunately, Renee resisted becoming a Swan but she did give birth to one; somehow I always felt more like the ugly duckling. Charlie loved Renee, they got married, had me and she left him. I knew he didn't want to see that happen to me. But I wasn't Renee. There was no way I was going to get pregnant and leave Edward. But he couldn't know that.

"I know that, and so does Edward. We don't have to be married to be happy. We're already happy. That's not what marriage is about for us." This wasn't coming out the way I meant it to and he wasn't looking convinced.

"You need to understand something, Dad. The problems we've had were because of misunderstandings or jumping to the wrong conclusion, not because either one of us ever fell out of love. Even when we were apart, we still loved each other. That's what made it so hard. I don't want to go into all the details, but you have to believe me."

I paused to take a deep breath. I was starting to get annoyed that he had waited until Edward was away to ask me about this. Charlie still looked skeptical. I plunged ahead.

"That separation made us both realize we never want to be apart again. That's one of the reasons we're getting married now, rather than later. I just don't want to wait to start living my life."

"I can see that you aren't going to change your mind, but you're not the one I'm worried about."

"Edward is not going to change his mind, either. But I guess only time will convince you." Unfortunately he wasn't going to get to check on us ten or twenty years from now.

"You're still my little girl. I just want you to be happy, Bella."

I guessed I would always be his little girl. He would never get to see me grow any older. He really wasn't making this easy on me. But I had to be strong.

"Edward makes me happy. I thought you had accepted this." I was getting exasperated.

"I have, I just wanted to make sure you weren't having second thoughts. If you change your mind, even if it's on the wedding day, just tell me. I will take it from there."

"I'm not going to change my mind. I have given this a lot of thought; it was not a snap decision. Believe me, Dad, I want this marriage. I want to spend my life with Edward. Always remember that. My wedding day is going to be the happiest day of my life. And I'm so glad you're going to walk me down the aisle. It means a lot to me," I felt the tears filling my eyes now and I couldn't say anything else.

Charlie reached over and put his arm around me, giving me a quick hug. I smiled and blinked away the tears. Our talk was over. I hoped he would remember how much I wanted to be with Edward when the time came and he found out he wasn't going to ever see me again.

We had finished dinner and as Charlie went into the living room to watch SportsCenter I headed for the sink to do the dishes, feeling terribly guilty. Why did my happiness have to hurt the ones I loved?

As I put the dishes in the sink I tried to think about tomorrow, when Edward would return and whisk me away from Charlie's doubts. I couldn't tell Charlie the truth, and he wouldn't get the chance to see Edward and I together forever. Hopefully this little talk would give him some comfort. He had tried to get me to reconsider and I had tried to make him understand a future with Edward was all I wanted.

I couldn't wait for Edward to get back and take me away. I couldn't even believe how I had let myself get talked into this surprise weekend. It had started out as a simple request by me to find out if there was something special I could get for Edward's birthday.

Alice refused to get involved at all, reminding me that Edward did not want to celebrate his birthday and she was not going to incur his wrath. So I knew I was probably in for some trouble if I tried to pursue it, but that didn't stop me.

Edward's birthday was about the most important date in history, as far as I was concerned. Of course, I wasn't sure of the exact date when he had been reborn, or I would have happily celebrated that, too. It was a bit like which came first, the chicken or the egg?

He was the man I was going to spend eternity with, and I wanted to let him know the date he was born was important to me. I didn't have a lot of money to spend, and he was very hard to buy for even if I had a fortune. He already had the cars he wanted, clothes were not an option, he had the largest CD collection I had ever seen, and he didn't need after shave lotion or cologne, he already smelled better than anything.

Although I could fix him a nice dinner and bake him a cake he would not be able to eat it. In racking my brain for ideas I just kept coming up short, and started to feel sorry for myself because I wasn't talented enough to paint him a picture or compose some music for him. I couldn't sing, I couldn't dance, and I couldn't think of anything to get him.

The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. I thought about making a scrapbook of special moments we had shared, but then I knew he had a perfect memory and it would just be redundant. Any scrapbook I made would be for me.

It had occurred to me that I could get a tattoo of his name inside a heart, somewhere only he could see it, but I figured he would probably be shocked. Sometimes he was so old fashioned. I really wanted to get one that said 'Bite me' on my rear end but I wasn't sure he would think it was as funny as I did. As soon as I decided to talk to Alice to see if she thought he would be upset about it, my phone rang.

"Hello."

"Only if you want to see the tattoo artist dead."

"What? What are you talking about Alice?"

"Edward wouldn't want any man to spend that much time working on your posterior. Or even looking at your posterior."

"What if I got it someplace else not so delicate?"

"I think the prohibition about working on any part of your body would still be in place. And I think it's funny Bella, but I'm not sure he would. He is a bit sensitive about that phrase you know."

"I suspected as much. I'm running out of ideas. Help me," I begged.

"Sorry, Bella, you are on your own with this one."

So, driven to desperation, I had finally just told him I was going to celebrate his birthday and flat out asked him what I could get him. At first he had looked stern and then his beautiful eyes had started sparkling like all get out. I knew immediately I was in trouble.

He wanted to plan a surprise weekend getaway for us without any objections from me. I had screamed and said no way; that was a dirty trick. But he refused to take 'no' for an answer.

He said three days alone with me, away from Forks, would be the best present I could ever give him. I reminded him that he had taken me to Florida to visit Renee, but he said this time it would be just the two of us, and it would be a dream vacation I would never forget.

I could tell he was really excited and between smiling at me, covering me with hundreds of little kisses and training those breathtaking topaz eyes on me, I had weakened and given in. He was such a cheater. And even when I knew what he was doing, he was so hard to resist. Sometimes I didn't want to resist, and this had been one of those times. Three days alone with him sounded too good to be true to me, too.

I suspected this was going to turn out to be more of a present for me than for him, but he seemed so happy I couldn't refuse. And I did have to go along for the whole weekend without complaining about the surprises. That would probably call for some sacrifice on my part, so at least I would be giving him something.

And I made him promise that there would be no expensive gifts for me as part of this deal, like a new car or a diamond necklace. I knew how much he wanted to give me these things and it would be just like him to try and sneak them in somehow. And he was giving me no clues as to our destination or anything. This was going to require a great deal of patience on my part, something that I needed to practice.

I was snapped out of my reverie by the sound of the phone ringing on the kitchen wall. I raced to pick it up.

"Hello," I gasped hopefully, waiting to Edward's velvet voice.

"Hi, Bella,"

"Oh, hi Angela. What's up?"

"Well I can tell from the disappointment in your voice that Edward is still away on his camping trip with his brothers," she said perceptively.

"Yes, I thought this might be him calling," I admitted.

"Well, him being gone might work out for the best anyway."

"What?" I asked, completely mystified.

"I just called to tell you _Sense and Sensibility_ is on TV tonight. I tried to get Ben to watch it, but he and Eric are going to see another one of those _Tokyo Drift_ movies. Do you want to come over and watch it with me?"

"Oh, thanks for the invitation, Angela. That's a good idea, but I think I just want to stay in tonight; I'll probably watch it here, though, I never get tired of that movie."

"Okay. Edward's coming back tomorrow, isn't he?" She asked cautiously.

"Yeah, he's supposed to," I said a bit forlornly.

"Bella, you must know you have nothing to worry about when Edward is away. He usually sticks to you like glue; he's always looking out for you, he treats you like you were made of glass. I'm very happy with Ben, but you've got a guy any girl would envy," she concluded.

"Oh, I know that much," I rolled my eyes. "I just sometimes don't get what he sees in me," I faltered.

"Bella! You're pretty, smart, kind, and a more loyal friend would be impossible to find. You two are perfect for each other. Don't stress about it," she advised.

"Thanks, Angela. I'm lucky to have you for a friend. Bye," I said gratefully. I hung up the phone, finished the dishes and thought about what she said. She had been one of the few who had been there for me when Edward had disappeared, and she had accepted him when he came back because I did. She was a true friend.

Of course I had a bit more to stress about than she knew, what with Edward and his family being vampires, and me dying to be one, too. She wouldn't think I was such a great friend when I just disappeared one day and she never saw me again. I wondered if I would even remember her.

I felt tears starting to form and I blinked until they stopped. I couldn't allow myself to think about that now. I hung up the dish towel and went into the living room.

"Is there a game on tonight, Dad?

"Nothing special, why Bells?"

"There's a Jane Austen movie on," I explained.

"That's fine, go ahead and change the channel, it's okay," he encouraged.

"I don't think it's your kind of movie, Dad," I warned.

"That's alright, I'm going to turn in, I've got to get an early start in the morning," he said, getting off the sofa. "Be careful on the hiking trails Bells, and don't go into the woods alone," he admonished.

"Don't worry, the Cullens will take good care of me," I admired myself as I said this without a trace of irony. "Night, Dad."

I found the right channel and curled up on the couch. The music immediately drew me in I began to be more involved in the trials of the Dashwood sisters than my own. But certain scenes had new meaning, since falling in love with Edward.

**Marianne**: "Can he love her? Can the soul be really be satisfied with such polite affections? To love is to burn - to be on fire, like Juliet or Guinevere or Eloise..."  
**Mrs. Dashwood**: "They made rather pathetic ends, dear. "  
**Marianne**: "Pathetic? To die for love? How can you say so? What could be more glorious? "  
**Mrs. Dashwood**: "I think that would be taking your romantic sensibilities a little far."

Being engaged to a vampire put a different slant on Marianne's proclamations. Fortunately Edward wasn't after my blood, anymore, and since I had put a hold on our physical activities in the meadow, he wasn't after my body either. I knew I should be grateful for his powers of self-control, but I was starting to rethink my position on the physical side of our relationship. I still lived in hope.

When Marianne says, 'Love is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken,' I thought: that's exactly how I feel about Edward and nothing will ever change that. And after all the turmoil I had put him through I would spend the rest of my life making him believe it.

Then my favorite scene started. Edward Ferris comes to propose to Elinor Dashwood, but she mistakenly thinks he's already married and has no idea why he's there. The scene begins very awkwardly, and she realizes he's not married and he returns her love. She starts to cry and I start to laugh.

The way her sister and mother exchange glances, and then her sister begins to lean ever so slightly in preparation for making her escape makes me laugh again. Elinor is still crying and Edward is proposing and then in the middle of laughing I start crying. From that point to the end is all laughing and crying.

I do love it when Colonel Brandon and Marianne, just wed, get into the carriage and he tosses the coins in the air; it's such a joyous moment. Perhaps that's what Edward is thinking about when he pictures our wedding. Maybe I should watch this movie with Alice before she plans the whole event.

While the credits were rolling I thought back to Elinor's unexpected joy when Edward comes to propose. I wondered if my Edward would have preferred I have that reaction when he proposed. Probably. I had kept him hanging for so long before I said yes.

But Elinor had been in love with her Edward and he abandoned her. And she thought he married someone else. And yet she still instantly said 'yes' when he proposed. But she wasn't 18. And her mother hadn't brainwashed her against marriage. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Funny how most of Jane Austen's books were about girls looking for husbands, or at least falling in love and getting married and they were my favorites. No wonder Edward couldn't understand me; I was a walking contradiction.

It wasn't like I needed to get established in my career before I got married. I hadn't even chosen a career. I didn't need to finish college before I got married, either. And it wasn't like I was ever going to find someone like Edward again. There was no one else like Edward. There would never be anyone else like Edward. This was my one chance at the brass ring and I wasn't going to pass it by because of something my mother said.

And her prejudice against marriage hadn't stopped her from marrying Phil. I think she was so frustrated with her mistake of marrying Charlie when she was so young that she didn't want to see me do the same thing. But Edward was not Charlie and there was no way I could fully explain the differences to her. She and Charlie both still blamed Edward for leaving me before and I'm fairly sure they thought he would leave me again one day.

I couldn't allow myself to believe that he would ever leave me again. He was desperate to marry me; once I was truly part of his family there would be no getting rid of me. I knew Renee still thought that divorce would be a possibility, but I knew better than that.

Once I was married, as far as Charlie and Renee were concerned, they were never going to see me again. We still hadn't decided on exactly what story they were going to be told, but I was fairly sure I was not going to be the one doing the telling. It hurt me to think about never seeing or talking to them again, but I had made my choice and there was no going back. I would just have to put them out of my mind, as hard as that was to do.

I knew Charlie would be happier to see me with Jake, but that also was not ever going to happen. As warm and funny and spontaneous as Jake was, and I knew he loved me, I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. When I thought about my future now, it was always with Edward. I didn't want a future without him. It was my choice and I was very happy with it.

Of course I was sad about Jake, but he was so young, younger even than me. He would find someone else to love, someone who could give him all of her heart. He didn't deserve someone like me. He had been there for me when I needed him, but I couldn't be there for him now. Perhaps it was for the best. As difficult as it was, we both needed to move on.

I turned off the TV and started upstairs. At least I had eaten a good dinner before Charlie started grilling me; I was keeping my part of the bargain. I brushed my teeth, changed clothes, and stood looking out the window to no avail. I opened my dresser drawer and pulled out the letter Edward had left for me and read it again. He certainly had a way with words. He had poured his heart out for me and I felt warm all over.

I picked up a notebook and sat down in the rocking chair. I was still sad that Edward had to leave me to go hunting; I resented anything that took him away from me. I was incredibly selfish where he was concerned. I longed for the day when we would never have to be apart again. No matter what the cost.

Then I thought of one of my favorite movies, an update of Shakespeare's _Taming of the Shrew_ called _10 Things I Hate About You_. Didn't Kate come up with a list of things in the movie to express her displeasure with her absent boyfriend? Thinking that it might help me if I could express my feelings I wrote down what I could remember of it:

I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.

I hate the way you're always right, I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,

not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

That was my whole story. No matter what he did, I still loved him, would always love him. If he only felt half of what I felt, it would be enough for me. He was so beautiful, so graceful, so intelligent, so stubborn, and so elusive. I wanted to be with him forever, and he said he wanted to be with me forever, but he wasn't too keen on taking the steps that would make that happen, even though he had promised.

He was all for the marriage part, but he didn't seem to understand that to me, it didn't guarantee forever. Charlie and Renee were proof of that, even though he insisted we were different. Meanwhile, every day I was aging and he remained perpetually young. We couldn't go on like this forever, could we? I was looking for real permanence with him, and I was determined to get it.

I went to bed with Jane Austen but she proved to be no substitute for a tall, pale, handsome vampire. I couldn't concentrate on Mr. Darcy; tonight he held no charms for me.

I got up and located the new CD player Edward had given me and slipped in one of the CDs he had thoughtfully made. It was good to be able to listen to music again without falling apart. It was part of the healing process. This CD was full of happy love songs, designed to reassure me when he was away, and I put the headphones on and went back to bed.

It started off with Corrine Bailey Rae's, _Just Like a Star_, and her soothing voice instantly had a calming effect, as if Jasper was standing next to me. And then there was Edward, an angel off the page, coming into my life and changing it forever. And what did we ever argue about?

My friendship with Jacob. Oh yeah. That. He had never wanted me to be close to Jake. He was always worried about my safety; 'can't trust a young werewolf, Bella.'

Now I wonder if he knew about Jake's feelings for me before I did. I wonder if that's why he never wanted me to get close to Jake. Was it jealousy or was it just another way to keep me from getting hurt? Maybe I should have listened to him. Then Jake wouldn't have ended up getting so hurt. Would I ever learn? Would I ever stop hurting people?

Poor Jake. I knew now that I would never belong to him. I would never belong to anyone but Edward. I felt such a sense of relief flood through my body as I understood those words. I belonged to Edward. And he belonged to me. Only to me.

My evil mind couldn't trust that, though. I didn't deserve him. He would always be perfection and I would always be something less. This was my fear; even after I became like him, I could never reach that level of perfection. He was always trying to reassure me that I was enough just the way I was, but I still had doubts. What did he see in plain, clumsy, stubborn, foolish me?

I thought about some beautiful vampire wandering down from Alaska and showing an interest in Edward. What would I do then? I would not just hand Edward over and slink away, defeated. I would fight until there was no breath left in my body, of that much I was sure. And I would use whatever weapons I could get my hands on.

But what would those be? I wasn't pretty enough to compete with a gorgeous vampire. I wasn't strong enough or experienced enough. I tried to think of my strengths. They all consisted of weakness. I was breakable. Everyone knew that. What could Edward see in me?

He was drawn to my blood, but stayed for my what? My highly developed sense of humor? It wasn't my sense of style; that was for sure. I wasn't beautiful; I wasn't tall and willowy. I couldn't be described as graceful, not by any stretch of the imagination. They say opposites attract. Maybe that was it. I was Edward's polar opposite. I must have something that he wanted, that he needed. Besides the obvious. Because if it was just about my blood he would have killed me long ago.

Maybe he could already see what I would be like when I was a vampire. Maybe then I would be beautiful and graceful and wear clothes with style.

The music changed, pulling me out of my reverie. Next came Michael Bublé's _Everything_. Edward said he thought the lyrics sounded like they were written just for us. _And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute. And when you smile at me you know exactly what you do. Baby, don't pretend that you don't know it's true. Cause you can see it when I look at you.  
_

Edward told me I was beautiful. He told me all the guys at Forks High would be after me if not for him. Mike and Tyler had been awfully persistent for a while. And Jacob… but I didn't want to think about Jake or Mike or anyone but Edward. He was the love of my life; he was my life. As long as he was happy with me I would just have to accept it and proceed as if it made sense to me, even though it didn't and I feared it never would.

I was consumed by him. When I closed my eyes I could still see his beautiful face. His golden eyes and his crooked smile. I could hear his velvet voice. I could hear his fingers playing my lullaby on his piano. I could see his skin sparkling in the sunlight. I could smell his unique scent, so powerful and intoxicating. I could hear his intelligent mind coming up with a solution to some nagging problem.

I could feel the wind blowing on my face as he carried me through the woods on his back, sharing that exhilarating feeling of speed that made him so happy. I could feel him soothing my fears. I could feel his strong arms circle around me and I felt safe. He was my hero.

He was like a dream come to life. My life. And he wasn't a dream; he was real. Not exactly flesh and blood, but that was my department. It was good to know my place in our complicated relationship.

And that position was going to change soon, and then what? I hated the unknown. I hated surprises. I was having trouble looking into the future with any certainty. I wanted it, I was ready for it and at the same time I was confused and a little frightened.

What did I do for him? He must enjoy rescuing me; he did it often enough. Maybe my weakness made him feel strong. But he was one of the strongest creatures on earth. Surely he didn't need me to make him feel powerful. I needed him. Maybe he liked being needed. Maybe he liked having someone to take care of.

And he had trusted me with his secret. A secret shared by his whole family, and one that could destroy him and his entire existence. And he had trusted me, a mere mortal, with his tremendous secret. Had he been in love with me then? That night he rescued me in Port Angeles? I was already in love with him then; could he sense it? If he was in love with me then, it couldn't be because of anything I had said or done. It had to just be me.

I wasn't in love with him because of anything he had said or done. In fact, after the way he had treated me in the beginning I should not have liked him the least little bit. But I already loved him. Just for him. It didn't matter what he was. Perhaps it didn't matter to him that I was a weak human girl.

Really, what had he been thinking of, falling in love with a mortal? I was a completely unsuitable choice. I could have been lunch, not love. What must Rosalie and Jasper have thought when they found out about us? I'm surprised I didn't hear the explosion when they confronted Edward. He must have been so strong, so determined, to overcome their objections. He must love me something fierce.

When I thought about what he had gone through to be with me I was amazed. He had rescued me from those horrible men in Port Charles, saved me from Tyler's van, rescued me from James, and faced down the Volturi. He killed Victoria. All because of me.

I wondered how many other things he had done that I never found out about. Knowing Edward, there were probably many things he had thought I would be better off not knowing about. How could I have ever doubted his love? I couldn't let him down now.

Then the opening chords of Sting's, _What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life_ transported me to our meadow and I could see Edward's skin sparkling in the sunshine.

_I want to see your face in every kind of light. In fields of gold and forests of the night;  
Through all of my life.. Summer, Winter, Spring and Fall of my life, all I ever will recall of my life is all of my life with you.  
_

I remembered our first kiss and how careful he had been. And how reckless I had been. That memory brought a smile to my lips, lips that longed for Edward. We always had to be so careful. I was tired of being careful. With the wedding so close at hand it was harder and harder to be near him and stop at the boundaries we had agreed on.

Maybe we shouldn't wait until after the wedding to 'try.' What had I been thinking? Maybe this weekend would be a good time to try again. Maybe that would be part of his birthday present from me.

I had to stop analyzing this, it was getting me nowhere. And what did it matter, anyway? I had loved him then, I loved him now, and I would always love him. That knowledge made me feel a bit easier, and I could imagine Edward's strong arms holding me close.

The music was working its magic. I felt comforted and was beginning to get sleepy.

The last song on the CD was Edward's lullaby, written just for me. And when it began I drifted off to sleep, to dream of him.

* * *

The next chapter will be in Edward's point of view.

_Many thanks to_ not done baking _for superior beta skills. _


	7. She Is Still A Mystery: EPOV

Chapter 7: _She Is Still A Mystery_

Early Friday morning

We had returned from our hunting expedition and I was just about to race over to Bella's, but I decided to have a word with Carlisle first. There were things I had been turning over in my mind and I felt I needed a different perspective. I found him in his office upstairs. He was expecting me.

_Come in, Edward. What's on your mind? _

I sank down in the chair opposite his desk. "I can't pretend I'm not worried about Bella."

"You don't have to pretend with me, Edward."

"I know, Carlisle. And I appreciate being able to discuss this with you privately."

_We're the only ones here. What's bothering you?_

"I think Bella has doubts about our relationship."

If Carlisle were the kind of person who rolled his eyes he would have. Instead he just shook his head. "Edward, women like Bella are complicated, challenging, but ultimately worth it. You remember what Esme was like when she first came to us."

"Esme was already in love with you."

_And Bella is already in love with you. _

"But Jacob…"

"Bella is in love with you, Edward. She has such a kind heart; in that way she is like Esme. Her heart is big enough to hold more than one person. But she loves you, Edward. She has already chosen you."

"In the past few days she's become very emotional, and she's lost her appetite. Alice says this is normal pre-wedding behavior, but I am not convinced. I can't help but feel there's still a part of her that hasn't decided. If she still has any doubt, I can't let her marry me."

"She may always have doubts, Edward. If she can live with them, you will have to, too."

He seemed to think that was a possibility for me. He must know me better than that.

"I don't know if I can. For me there is no one but Bella. Is it wrong for me to want that from her?" I couldn't stand to think that even a little part of her still wanted Jacob.

"No, it's not wrong. But you have to remember she has made her choice. She wants you."

"That may be true, but you didn't see the way she cried all night after saying goodbye to _the dog_. I almost called you. I thought she might need a sedative. I was afraid she was never going to stop crying." Her tears from that night still haunted me.

_You have to remember what she had just been through; that was a rough day for all of us, but especially for Bella. She was almost frightened out of her wits. There was Victoria, the out of control newborns from Seattle, the Volturi arriving unannounced, and the wolves getting injured. Jacob was badly hurt, and she knew it was because of her. She has a big heart, Edward. And she feels responsible for most of what happened that day. _

I thought about that. It had been a terrible day. "And the stress had been building ever since Graduation."

"That's right. She was under tremendous stress. She probably could have used a sedative. At that point in time, Jacob was merely an escape from a reality that she couldn't face. But she realized what a mistake that was, and made the choice to be with you, Edward."

"How can I be sure?" Would I ever be sure? And could I accept never knowing for sure?

_Actually, Edward, her briefly turning to Jacob gives you all the more reason to be sure of her._

"How do you figure that?" I was really confused now.

"Without exploring the 'Jacob option,' Bella's staying with you had less meaning. Without truly realizing that she had a choice, choosing you didn't really count. If she only thought she had one option, and she accepted that option, that's not making a choice. If she had two things to choose from then she really did choose one life over the other; she didn't just passively take the hand that Fate dealt her. I know this isn't easy Edward, but Bella may truly have been in love with Jacob."

I felt like he had punched me in the stomach. I was unable to speak.

_Let me finish. _"If you had died when you were seventeen, and didn't exist today, Bella may have lived a full and happy life with Jacob. He may be her ordinary love. But you do exist, and she fell in love with you. You are her extraordinary love." _Ordinary love doesn't stand a chance against you. _

"She may have come to that realization, and that's why she cried all night. But she did stop crying, and she chose you, Edward. She will never have to ask herself "What if I had let myself have feelings for Jacob?" She did let herself have them, and even after that, she chose you. And she's agreed to marry you, and become one of us. What more can she do to convince you?"

That did make sense, when I thought about it. She had been able to see another future, yet she chose to be with me. Her bravery always amazed me. But what if I let her down?

"What if the doubts nag at her, and say, two years from now she regrets choosing me?"

"No one can predict the future with one hundred per cent accuracy, although Alice is pretty good…and she sees Bella with you. You can't control Bella, and you can't control the future. All you can do is love her and try to make her happy. I know she is young, but she's also very mature. I don't think she would be choosing our way of life if she still had serious doubts…do you?"

"I don't know. Sometimes she has this far away look in her eyes, and of course I don't know what she's thinking…but it frightens me." I was so afraid of losing her. I couldn't go on without her again.

_Maybe you need to give her some space to examine her feelings. _

"That frightens me, too. If I give her enough space she might choose to leave me, and I can't even contemplate that. Besides, when I gave her space before it almost led to disaster. And she is the only person who has ever made me feel… human again."

_Edward, you are over thinking this. _

"I left her once, and I'm still paying for that mistake. I can't afford to make another one." I often felt like I was walking a tightrope with Bella. It was such a delicate balance. One misstep and tragedy would befall both of us.

"You made that mistake because you didn't trust her. You didn't trust that she would be able to handle everything that came along with loving you."

I could sit still no longer. I sprang up out of the chair and began to pace. It hurt to hear these things from Carlisle, even though I knew they were true. Did he not know I berated myself every day over my immature stupidity? Back then I didn't trust Bella and I didn't trust myself. Everything that had happened since then was a direct result of my doing something foolish and unforgivable. And yet, she had forgiven me.

"I still find it hard to believe sometimes that she can love me, knowing what I am." I put my hand up to stop him from interrupting. "Carlisle, you must admit, it is not normal for a human to fall in love with a vampire. And it is even more unusual for a vampire to fall in love with his prey."

"You and Bella have a very special relationship, I admit that. Jasper is in total awe of you, given the way her blood calls to you. We all are, really. And I am so very proud of you, Edward. Since you came back you have been totally devoted to her. We all see the love and care you lavish on her. Once you are married and she has joined the family for good you are going to make Emmett's life miserable."

"Whatever do you mean?" I stopped my pacing and looked at him.

"Because you are going to set a new standard that Rosalie is going to expect Emmett to live up to or better. You already spoil Bella as much as you can, but once all the restrictions are lifted, there will be no stopping you, and I can only imagine how jealous Rose will be."

"It is none of Rose's business what I do with Bella. And I will not allow anyone to interfere once we are married."

Carlisle gave me a wry smile. "I know everyone is very focused on your upcoming wedding, but have you given any thought to what kind of marriage you want to have, Edward?"

That question threw me. I sat down again. I had been so focused on getting her to say 'yes' and wear my ring I hadn't given that much thought to what our marriage would be like. It still seemed like a dream to me. I had never looked for a mate; I had never had a desire to share this existence with anyone else. And I had never dreamed I would find someone as exquisite as Bella.

It was hard for me to believe she was actually going to go through with it, given her extreme reluctance to commit. She was always saying she wanted to be with me forever, which thrilled me no end, but she didn't understand the importance of getting married. I wished I could be honest with Renee and tell her what I thought of her brainwashing Bella but that was never going to happen.

"Not really. But I have had your and Esme's marriage to see as an example; you two are very happy."

"Every marriage is different, and Bella is not Esme. Bella has a tremendous will of her own; she's very stubborn. I hope you don't think that after you are married you will be able to make all the decisions for her. I believe she will fight you on some things."

I smiled at the thought of Bella in righteous indignation mode; her cheeks would flush, her heartbeat and breathing would become erratic, her gorgeous eyes would flash. I loved her when she was like that; she was magnificent. I had no problem with her sticking up for what she believed in. It was one of her most endearing qualities.

"You are probably right about that. But I do not intend to make all the decisions, anyway. I know Bella has a mind of her own, and I like that about her. I just want her to be happy. I just feel compelled to protect her from… everything. She is so fragile and impulsive."

"There are some things that you can't protect her from; you have to let her experience the pain as well as the joy. I know it's hard, but it's all part of life."

"It is hard, but I know what you mean. Thanks for reminding me. I'll try, Carlisle."

"You love her, don't you Edward?" 

"Of course. I would do anything for her."

_Then have faith in her. And have faith in yourself. The two of you can make it; I know it. She loves you, Edward. Maybe she needs just a little more time. She is human, after all. _

I was all too aware of that. "Thanks for the advice."

"You are very welcome. There's one more thing. You and Bella are still waiting until after the wedding…"

"Yes," I snapped.

"I meant to further your physical relationship."

"Yes, yes." When would this end?

"Do you think three days alone with her in a secluded location is the best way to resist temptation?" _The two of you already look like you're about to spontaneously combust._

"You are talking to me about this now? I am on my way out the door."

"You have shown a remarkable amount of self control. But during certain acts I am afraid it is impossible to maintain that level of control, even for you. It would be too dangerous for her. I just want to make sure you understand the importance of waiting until she is one of us."

I groaned. "She is not going to be happy about this. I told her after the wedding we would try to take the next step…"

"There are things you can do; she is not totally off limits. You just have to be extremely careful." And then Carlisle went into some clinical detail, explaining the intricacies of just what a human's physical limitations were. This was like the most detailed anatomy lesson I had ever had, and by putting it in those terms it alleviated most of the embarrassment.

Even with my medical knowledge I had not been thinking about Bella in those terms. This talk brought everything into sharp focus. I now knew just how far I could go, depending on Bella's wishes and the limits of my self-control.

"Have a good trip, Edward." _Be safe_.

"Thank you for everything, Carlisle." I got up and walked slowly downstairs, taking my time to think about what Carlisle had just told me.

Bella brought out such feelings in me, feelings that I had never experienced, and those had been overshadowing my common sense. It was so difficult to be close to her and yet I craved that more than anything. And I was so inexperienced. I was just beginning to realize how much I had to learn about dealing with a very human woman. And she was always a surprise.

At least the boundaries were clear in my mind now. Hopefully that would make being with her this weekend easier, since I knew exactly what I could safely do and not do. That is if she were so inclined to want to explore the physical side of our relationship further. The temptation was going to be strong for me; there was no doubt in my mind about that.

I longed for intimacy with her, something that was totally unknown to me. She was the treasure I had waited a century for. I had to be very careful not to do anything to ruin our chances for a future together.

And I had to be sure of her feelings. She couldn't have any doubts. I would have to make it a priority to find out if she still had unresolved feelings that divided her heart. If she did, it wouldn't be fair of me to go any further with her.

As I reached the front door, Esme came in from the garden, removing her gloves. She saw me and I heard her thinking, _'Oh my, he looks worried. I wonder if something has happened to Bella.'_

I quickly put her mind at ease by saying, "I was just talking to Carlisle about this trip we're taking, and he gave me a lot to think about."

_My sensitive son takes on far too much responsibility. I hope he can relax on this trip and just have some fun with Bella. They deserve it after all they've been through._

"Give Bella my love. She's such a sweet girl; I can't wait until you two are married and she can truly join our family."

"Do you really think that what's best? I just hate that she has to be the one to make the ultimate sacrifice," I said thoughtfully.

"Yes, Edward, I do think that's what's best. You know that Carlisle was alone for hundreds of years, and my human life wasn't easy before he found me. I know you and Bella have had a different set of obstacles to overcome, but you two belong together. Don't ever doubt that, Edward. Don't let her down."

Esme was always so understanding. She had already made sure Bella felt welcomed into our family. I would try to be the son she wanted.

"Believe me; I want her to be happy, Mother. And I will try to do everything I can to make that happen."

_My sweet son. You know she's not impressed by cars and jewelry. She will be perfectly happy to live with you in Alaska or anyplace else. _"All she wants is you, Edward. She's a very unselfish girl."

"I know she is. Sometimes she's too unselfish; she disregards her personal safety for the sake of others far too often to suit me," I grumbled.

"That reminds me of something. With your wedding night drawing near, can you please ask Bella if she would consent to having a sort of mother-daughter talk with me?" _There are things she needs to know and it might be easier if it came from me. _

"I think she's had that talk with Renee." I could not believe I was having this discussion with Esme after just hearing about it from Carlisle. Was this all my parents ever thought about now?

My life was becoming even more surreal than usual. I quickly said a prayer of thanks that Emmett wasn't around. If I had to hear any more advice about my love life from him I wouldn't be responsible for my actions.

_I'm sorry Edward. _"There are things that I need to tell her that Renee knows nothing about."_You know how much more intense our senses are than a human's. _

"I will ask her to talk to you. You are probably right; she does need to hear this from you. I've tried to warn her, but she just doesn't…"

"I know. It's so plain when the two of you are together. She loves you so much. I couldn't be happier for you and Bella. She's the answer to a prayer."

I knew she was right. And she was so happy I had finally found someone I wanted to be with forever. But Esme was so accepting that it crossed my mind she would have even welcomed that she-wolf, Leah Clearwater, with open arms if she thought I loved her; although she would have to be holding her nose.

"She is my angel, even though I do not deserve her." I opened the door and stepped out on the porch.

Esme shook her head and said, "Just try to enjoy yourself this weekend, Edward."

I started down the steps just as Emmett arrived and started up them. "So, you're about to take off on your big adventure," he remarked casually_. It's about time he got her alone._

"Yes, and I don't want to hear anything about it from you." I decided to cut him off before he said something that would require retaliation.

"Cool it, little brother. I don't have a problem with you kidnapping Bella," he said, giving me a wink, as if I needed another indication of what he was thinking.

"I'm not kidnapping her. It's just a surprise."

"Good luck with that," he said sarcastically. _Rosalie doesn't like surprises unless there's a diamond attached to them. _

I shot him what I hoped would be a withering glance. "Bella needs to get away for a couple of days so she can rest and relax."

"Right. Just resting and relaxing. In bed?" he inquired, sounding like a bad fortune cookie. _Just get her in bed and stay there, man. Pretend like its spring break for shut-ins. _

"Emmett, keep your—" I began, but he cut me off.

"Edward, she's crazy about you. Rosalie says--" he began, but I wouldn't listen to anymore. _He's like an irritable grizzly. Those teenage hormones must be working overtime._

"Stop! I don't want to hear what Rosalie says about Bella. What we do this weekend is nobody's business," I warned, "and you know very well that I'm not a teenager."

_No, but Bella is._"Right. No, seriously, good luck with your cunning plan. I think it's great that you're taking things slowly before you go at it like animals." _Personally, I'd go for the animal bit first, but that's just me_, he thought cheerfully, his mind on Rosalie again.

"This is your lucky day, Emmett. I'm already late, and I can't keep Bella waiting any longer. But I will be back on Sunday night and I will tend to you then," I promised him as I slid behind the wheel of my car.

Just then my cell phone vibrated. What fresh hell is this? I glanced at the display. 'Alice.' "What is it?" I snapped.

"Good morning to you, too, Edward."

"Is Bella alright?"

"Yes, relax. She's not in danger, but you are."

"What are you talking about?"

"She has plans for this weekend, too."

"And those plans are going to put me in danger?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yes; in danger of crossing specific boundaries. If you want certain things to remain intact you are going to have to be very careful. She's changed her mind and is ready to push you to the limit," she warned.

I groaned. This was not something I wanted to hear from my sister. And at this point it was not something I wanted to hear from Bella, either. We were so close to the wedding and I didn't want to lose control now.

Even with Carlisle's new information regarding our physical relationship, I was hesitant to put it into practice. I longed for that kind of intimacy with Bella, I wanted to touch and feel every inch of her. I wanted to feel her all over me. But I knew how fragile she was and how I could crush her by accident with the slightest bit of extra pressure. I had demonstrated that for her with a piece of the bed frame but she still seemed to ignore the fact. I guessed it was just one more unpleasant thing that she was so good at repressing.

It was going to take every ounce of self-control I had to protect her from herself. And I was still afraid she had doubts; if she still had feelings for Jacob I could not let our relationship go any further. It wouldn't be fair to her, and as much pain as it would cause me, her happiness was more important. I hoped this time away with her would allow me to find the answer to this nagging doubt that wouldn't leave me alone.

"Thanks for the advance notice, Alice." Enough discussion, already--could this get any more embarrassing?

"How far you go this weekend is going to be up to you, because she is ready to remove all the boundaries."

"I understand. Goodbye, Alice." I shut off the phone and fired up my Volvo. As I raced down the lane I was torn between gratitude for much needed time alone and the anxiety this news from Alice produced.

Bella was always surprising me. No matter how well I thought I knew her, she was still unpredictable. And I was already thinking of how long it would take me to get to Bella and enjoy her delicious scent again.

At least I would have her all to myself for the whole weekend. We desperately needed this time away from all the turmoil we had just been through to sort things out once and for all. She was the most precious thing in the world to me and I intended to make her understand that. I couldn't get to her fast enough. The engine whined as I pushed the limits of the Volvo as far as it would go in the early morning drizzle. I would have her in my arms soon, and I knew I never wanted to let her go. If only I could be sure of how she felt.

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** AN: If you've read this far without leaving a review you owe me one.** Did you have a favorite line in this chapter? Let me know… thanks. _And thanks to_ not done baking _for her much needed beta skills. _

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	8. Light Up My Room

Chapter 8: _Light up my room_

Friday Morning

A light rainfall woke me up early. Still no Edward. What could be keeping him? I looked out the window and saw that Charlie had already left for work and Edward's Volvo was not parked at the curb. Crap. How had I survived 36 hours without him? Oh well, I thought; that which does not kill us makes us bitter.

I picked up some jeans and a blue, V-neck sweater Alice had bought for me. Alice had explained that the 'V' shape appeared to elongate the neck, and since that was one of my most attractive features to Edward, I had begun to favor that style.

Alice was itching to get me into a strapless dress for the wedding reception but I didn't see the point in changing out of my wedding dress. She pointed out that I might spill something on it, given my propensity for accidents, but I was still resisting. If I were going to change out of my wedding dress I would rather put on jeans or something more comfortable than a strapless dress.

But she said Edward would rather see me in the strapless number, so I hadn't ruled it out completely. I would probably give in and wear it but I wasn't going to let her win another round without a struggle.

I headed for the shower, figuring I could spend some extra time drying and smoothing my hair. The hot shower was starting to make me feel better in spite of the nagging worry about Edward's whereabouts. I slowly and carefully shaved my legs, and was rewarded with no nicks or cuts. Proud of myself, I towel dried my hair and got dressed.

I started using the blow dryer and a large round hairbrush Alice had recently given me. Just as I was putting away the blow dryer, I heard a tap on the bathroom door.

"Bella my love…"

I wrenched the door open so fast it shuddered on its hinges. I threw myself into his open arms and he held me tight against him. "I missed you so much; it seems like you've been gone for a month!" I exclaimed.

I looked into his honey topaz eyes and saw that he had missed me just as much. Then he buried his nose into my neck, drinking in the scent from my steamy skin.

After a long moment he looked me over from head to toe and said, "You've been a good girl, haven't you? You're still all in one piece?" as he picked me up and carried me back to my room.

"Yes, I've been a model of good behavior. Not a scratch, and I even chopped onions for enchilada casserole last night," I boasted, so happy to be in his arms again.

"Oh my, living dangerously, handling knives. I don't know if I approve of that," he said with mock seriousness.

"Hey, you owe me several kisses, to make up for the ones I missed yesterday," I told him.

He seemed ready to oblige, sitting down in the rocking chair and placing me in his lap. Thankful I had just brushed my teeth and therefore must be minty fresh, I pressed my warm lips against his cool ones.

After an indeterminate time that left my heart beating wildly he pulled away and said, "I missed you too, Bella. Every moment I'm away from you I am aching to touch you, to feel your warmth, to breathe in your intoxicating scent." He held me close and gently rocked back and forth.

"Edward, when I woke up and found your note, it made me so happy. I could feel your arms around me and I could hear your voice. I must have read it at least ten times yesterday. It made it a lot easier to go to sleep last night. That, and the CD you made for me," I said gratefully.

"I am glad it helped. Did you have any dreams last night?"

"Not that I remember. I depend on you to tell me what I've dreamed, you know."

"Nights away from you are agony," he murmured against my throat.

If being away brought this kind of reunion, maybe it was almost worth it. "Can we just stay like this forever?" I daydreamed out loud, not caring that I sounded like a walking cliché.

"We could," Edward replied, "but I've made plans for a whole wonderful weekend together. Aren't you excited about our trip?"

"I certainly am! Are you going to tell me where we're going now? Are we really going camping?" I asked, starting to squirm.

"Be patient, Bella."

"No, you be patient, I'll be nurse," I teased, placing my hand on his cool forehead.

"I'm the one who's been through med school twice, you know. If anyone is going to play doctor it's going to be me," he said decisively, grabbing my wrist and bringing my hand down to his mouth. He placed his cool lips against my warm palm and I could feel him smile.

I snuggled into his chest and rested my head against his cool, smooth neck. "You know, doctor, I could use some help examining our relationship," I said, intending to tease. "A lot of people don't understand it."

"Well, how could they be expected to understand it?" he asked reasonably. "We can't let them know what I am, and even without knowing, when they look at us they see a beautiful young girl with a boy who is only going to cause trouble for her."

"Don't say that, Edward! That's not what I think they see when they look at us. They see an incredibly handsome young man from a wealthy, respected family and wonder what he's doing with that average, working class girl. They probably think I'm a gold digger," I said dejectedly, thinking about how people would gossip when they found out about the wedding, only weeks away.

"Do not ever let me hear you call yourself average again, Bella," he said sternly. "You are anything but average. You are extraordinary. You are exceptionally beautiful, both inside and out. You have an inner beauty that will never change. You are more brave and selfless than is good for you. You are loyal and kind, always concerned about the feelings of others instead of your own."

He picked up my hand and kissed my palm again before continuing.

"You spin out this thread of kindness and wrap it around people who have the least and need the most. Your soul is radiant Bella; sometimes it overwhelms me."

There was no way to reply to something like that. I felt myself tremble slightly and he tightened his grip on me before continuing.

"You are way too good for me, and I will never forget that for a moment. And I won't let you forget it either," he said vehemently.

I was blushing now, unsure of what to say. It was thrilling to hear him say things like that about me, even if I couldn't let myself quite believe them. But if he saw me that way it helped me understand why we fell in love. He was just as delusional as I was.

"And that doesn't even begin to address your physical attributes, which are many and varied. You have the most lustrous, shiny, long beautiful hair; it's glossy and shimmers in even the dimmest light. And it's so fragrant, heavenly. Most girls would kill to have hair like yours. But I'm not in love with your hair," he concluded unexpectedly.

"You aren't?" I asked, slightly bewildered.

"No, I don't care if you cut it off as short as Alice's. I would love you, no matter what you looked like. The fact that you have the smoothest, most delicate skin, softer than a rose petal is beside the point. I just want to be with you, for the essence of you," he said, running his hand from my cheek down my throat and resting it over my heart. I loved it when he touched me like that.

"And your lips; if I start talking about your lips we will never get out of here," he murmured.

I smiled, enjoying this closeness. I didn't care if we ever moved from this spot.

"You have the most beautiful, deep, expressive eyes; I never get tired of looking into them. I frequently get lost in them and forget my train of thought," he admitted.

"I lose all track of time and space when I look into your eyes, Edward," I said softly.

"Do you remember when your leg was in a cast?" he asked suddenly, and his jaw tightened.

"Of course," I answered, surprised that he would bring that up. He usually avoided any mention of that nightmarish episode in Phoenix.

"Well I didn't love you any less because you were in a cast. I loved you more, because I knew what you had gone through, and how courageous you had been. It was so painful to see you like that, because I knew it was my fault, and I would have given anything to have kept you safe," he said, as he rubbed my right hand, where the small crescent shaped scar left a lasting reminder of my almost fatal encounter with James.

"You saved me then, Edward. I wouldn't be here now if it weren't for you," I said simply.

"Well, I hate that because of me you are put in these dangerous situations. But you are so resilient. Your bones heal, and your spirit is so strong. You have this light within you that is never dimmed, it never goes out. You continue to shine in the darkness. You are the light that illuminates my path. As long as you will have me, Bella, I will do anything and everything to keep you safe and happy."

My heart was pounding so loudly in my chest I was sure he could hear it. How could I not be in love with someone who made me feel like this? Any doubts I ever had were completely banished by the joy that filled my heart. I felt free. I did love him completely and I wanted to spend eternity with him and only him.

"Then that will be forever, Edward. I will love you forever," I whispered.

My heart felt mended, even the little tiny part that I thought had broken off seemed to be back where it belonged. Edward was working some kind of magic to heal my spirit and make me completely whole again. I felt no fear; only hope for our future together.

He brought his hand up under my chin and turned my face up to meet his lips as they pressed, gently at first and then with increasing pressure until I began to feel faint. He released me and I took a deep breath. He buried his face in my neck, his lips resting on the hollow at the base. I never wanted to leave this room.

"Do we have to go camping this weekend, Edward?"

He laughed and said, "We're not going camping, but we are going to this lodge that Rosalie would call glam camping. I think you will be pleasantly surprised."

"Alright, I trust you. You've certainly seen a lot more of the world than I have," I acquiesced.

"I will take you any place you'd like to go after we're married, Bella. Would you like to go on a safari in Africa or tour Europe?" he inquired.

"How soon after? Are you talking about a honeymoon?" I was suspicious. He loved playing the marriage card. I figured he was pretty sure I would do anything to get my ticket to forever punched, and as much as I hated to admit it, he was right.

"I can see this is not the time to discuss this. Let us just concentrate on having a fun trip this weekend."

"That sounds good. You know if you weren't virtually impossible to buy for we wouldn't be going on this trip," I informed him with just the slightest hint of complaint in my voice.

"You never need to buy me anything," his velvet voice replied.

"I know, but it is traditional to give someone a present on their birthday. And I know how you feel about celebrating that day, but to me, it's the day that's had the most significant influence on my life. It's the day that made this possible." I hugged him closer.

I could hear the smile in his voice when he said, "If this is what you want to celebrate, I completely understand. I would not mind celebrating this everyday. Because everyday with you is a gift."

"That's exactly the way I feel, too. I'm so glad you understand." I felt his lips press into the top of my head, sending a thrill straight through me, but I wanted to feel them on my lips.

I leaned my head back and looked up at him expectantly, eyes pleading for a kiss.

He was getting better at reading my expression, I noted with satisfaction as he leaned down to meet my eager lips.

I never failed to marvel at how his cold, marble lips seemed soft and warm when he touched me. And how just one kiss could make me tingle from head to toe. When his lips reluctantly left mine his expression seemed to indicate that he enjoyed the experience as much as I did. That reminded me of something.

"You know you owe this mysterious getaway to my shortcomings as a human being."

"Whatever do you mean, Bella? I thought I was just hard to shop for."

"Yes, you are, but that's not the only kind of gift one person can give another. I tried to think of everything but I can't paint you a picture, I can't compose a song for you, I can't sew, I can't knit, I can't dance—" he put his long, slender fingers against my lips, halting my torrent of inabilities.

"Stop right there. I would be happy to see you attempt to dance for me anytime. And as for all the other things on your silly list, they do not matter in the least. You have the most kind and generous heart, but I can see how that would be difficult to wrap with a ribbon. You are the only present I want."

Finally, I thought, we are on the same wavelength. Because I had changed my mind. I had decided that I wanted to give myself to him completely. I didn't want to wait until after the wedding. I was too impatient to do things the so-called 'right' way. Besides, we were engaged and we were going to get married. I was ready to at least try. We were totally committed to each other and wanted to spend every day with each other until the end of time.

With the wedding date fast approaching Edward almost never left my side, unless he was sure Alice was watching over me. It was so hard to contain my feelings for him I sometimes thought of the minutes ticking away like the detonator on a time bomb and that on my wedding day I would explode.

I thought that my body must crave his the way he craved my blood. This longing for him was intense and never ending. As shy as I was, I wanted to tear all my clothes off and feel his skin on mine. I knew he wanted it too; he just had so much more self-control than I did. Chalk up another defect for the weak human.

While I loved being with him, it was harder and harder to be so close and not be able to close the gap that still existed because of our physical restrictions. Perhaps this weekend I could finally give him the gift that I truly wanted him, and him alone, to possess.

Perhaps it would be something I was good at for a change. He seemed happy with my kisses. Of course he had little to compare my kisses to. I wasn't sure he had ever kissed a girl before; he said he hadn't, but I still had lingering doubts about the time he spent in Denali. Maybe he had never kissed a human girl before. Maybe he was going to get off on a technicality. That would be just like him.

His lips found mine again and drove all thought out of my brain for a few delicious moments. But my stomach had a mind of its own and made a distinct sound indicating emptiness.

He leaned back, smiling. "Are you hungry, my sweet? While you were in the shower I made a cheese omelet for you and it's warming in the oven."

"That sounds wonderful. Have you been watching the Food Network again? Let's go downstairs and you can tell me more about the trip while I have breakfast."

I snuck in a quick kiss before we got up. Edward gave me a look, but he seemed so happy to see me that I could take a few advantages without any fear of consequences.

Once downstairs I dug into my omelet and he told me we were going to a hunting lodge in Northern California, and we would get there in a small plane he had chartered.

"Edward, a chartered plane!" I was getting concerned.

"I know Charlie is okay with us going camping with my family, but I think it would be best if we conduct this whole trip as discreetly as possible, which means not flying on commercial airlines, and so forth. This jet taxi has no air traffic control ground stops, we don't have to go through a terminal, we can fly under the radar, so to speak. Understand?" he looked at me expectantly.

"Yes, I understand," I replied,starting to get an idea that this might be even more fun than I had thought. "It's all hush hush, down low, on the q.t.," and I winked at him as I quoted a line from one of my favorite movies, _L.A. Confidential_.

"You're beginning to get the picture, but we're not going to fifties Los Angeles; this place is more like early 1920s 'lost coast of California.' I'm not sure they've ever made a movie about anyplace like this," he explained. "Alice says she packed everything you will need and the bags are in the car waiting for us. As soon as you finish breakfast we will be on our way."

I couldn't believe I had agreed to the new wardrobe as part of this trip, but I figured I could wear the clothes for the rest of the summer, and maybe after the wedding, too. I couldn't go on wearing jeans and tee shirts after I was an old married lady. Yeah, right. Married maybe, but never old, if I had anything to say about it.

As I took the last bite of my delicious omelet I said, "Luckily for you, I'll follow you anywhere, as I think I've already proved." I looked up at him from under my eyelashes.

In a flash he swooped down and carefully caught a bit of the skin on the back of my neck in his mouth and ran his tongue around in slow circles. That sent an icy tingle down my spine. I felt my heart skip a beat and the blush spread up from my neck to my face. I knew he felt it too, and I sat very still.

He kissed his way from the back of my neck to the front, and then found my lips. I was glowing like Edison's first light bulb as I returned his kiss with enthusiasm.

Then he stood up and pulled me off of the chair. Just as I was thinking this might be leading somewhere interesting he said, "Time to get started on our big adventure." I had thought we were already on our way to a big adventure, but evidently not the same one he had in mind.

Oh well, I had all weekend; I might as well take my time. And knowing Edward, he would probably be determined to do the 'right' thing anyway. This weekend was going to exciting on several levels. I felt that prickly sensation dance across the surface of my skin again as I looked into his beautiful topaz eyes.

He was holding my jacket for me, and as I slipped into it, grabbing the silly designer purse Alice had foisted on me, even though it only contained a chap stick (Alice had said "Don't you want to keep your lips soft for Edward?" and I couldn't argue with that), a comb, my wallet, which never saw the light of day as long as I was with Edward, and the special Alice-assisted project.

She had also insisted I take a digital camera and made me promise to take lots of pictures. Alice wanted to put the photos in an album for us, so I would always have a record of this birthday trip. I had instructions to bring back maps, menus, ticket stubs, any kind of printed material she could weave into a scrapbook to document what she predicted would be a magical journey.

She seemed to know a lot more about this trip than I did, but other than tell me I was going to have a wonderful time, she wouldn't volunteer any more information.

Now that we were about to set off on this weekend escape I was beginning to get excited, and I felt almost giddy. As Edward opened the front door I shouted, "I call shotgun," and he snorted.

He shut the door behind me and sped me towards his shiny silver Volvo. After making sure I was buckled in he went around to the driver's side and slid behind the wheel. I got out the camera and quickly took a picture of him.

"What was that about?" He sounded unusually curious.

"I've had instructions from Alice to carefully document this weekend. She wants to make an album as a gift for us. And I was just thinking I don't have any pictures of you behind the wheel of this car, and this is the start of the trip, so smile."

He gazed at me with his mesmerizing topaz eyes and I took another picture of him, looking right into the camera, smiling his most dazzling smile. It worked on me, even through the lens. I felt lightheaded and slightly confused as to where I was. I lowered the camera and blinked a few times. His laugh brought me back to earth.

"Edward! Aren't you ever ashamed of yourself when you do that to me?"

"I was just following instructions. You told me to smile." He looked angelic now. His beauty was overwhelming.

"You make it impossible to be mad at you. You must be happy about this trip; you're positively glowing."

"So are you. Spending three days alone with you is the best gift you could give me. Thank you, Bella."

"Oh, I plan on enjoying myself, too, Edward." I was trying hard not to blush, thinking of the plans I had made in my mind for our special weekend.

"I am glad to hear it."

I wanted to completely be in the moment and enjoy this trip, but my conversation with Charlie at dinner last night was weighing on my mind. I didn't want to tell Edward about it, fearing it would upset him, and I wanted everything to be perfect for the next three days. But I began to wonder if he had already had this talk with Edward, and he hadn't told me about it.

Or maybe Charlie was going to have this talk with Edward before the wedding. In that case, Edward needed to be prepared. I would have to tell him about it. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad; Charlie was just the concerned father. Edward would understand that.

"What did you do while I was away?" Edward's inquired lightly.

"I kept myself busy at home but then it started to rain and I decided to go hang out with Alice, didn't she tell you?"

"No she didn't mention it. Did you have fun?" He sounded very curious.

"Yes. And I found out about your prohibitions. I wish you would have told me you forbade her to discuss the wedding with me."

"I'm sorry, I didn't think you would mind."

"I was glad to have a break from the planning, but it would have been nice if you had let me know what you were up to."

"I was just trying to make things easier for you," he replied smoothly.

There he went again, ready with an answer I really couldn't complain about. I decided it was time to bring up the Charlie issue.

"Well, next time just give me some warning. Then I'll be able to appreciate all the things you do for me. And I have to warn you about something that might be unpleasant."

"Has the Spruce bud worm devastated the flower markets in Europe? Are we going to have to postpone the wedding?"

He must be in a good mood to joke when I'm trying to be serious.

"It's not that bad; it's just Charlie."

"Tell me." He looked at me and I could see worry on his beautiful face.

"At dinner last night he started giving me the third degree about our relationship. He had been thinking about when I first told him about you, and that brought up the trip to Phoenix and a whole bunch of other stuff. He said marriage didn't guarantee happiness but I told him we already knew that."

"I am so sorry I wasn't there."

"I know, but he waited on purpose until you were gone to bring this up. I'm sure he just thinks I'm too young to get married and he's afraid our marriage is going to end up like his, and there's no way I can explain to him that's not going to happen."

"Do you want me to talk to him?"

"No. I reassured him as well as I could, and I'm just telling you in case he does try to talk to you about it when I'm not around."

"I knew when he gave his consent to our marriage he had reservations. He still sees you as a twelve year old. He can't believe you are going to marry your first boyfriend."

"Yes, he seemed to think we had been dating behind his back before that night I introduced you to him. I explained that we had become close at school, after you saved me from Tyler's van."

"Well, that is partially true."

"I know, but I couldn't very well tell him the whole truth. So I just wanted you to be prepared."

"Thank you, Bella. I am so sorry you have to lie to Charlie; I know how it bothers you."

"It would bother me much more if I couldn't be with you." That was the understatement of the century. It wouldn't just bother me if I couldn't be with him, it would kill me. I had tried to live without him before and I never wanted to do that again.

We had arrived in Port Angeles in record time and our destination was an airstrip I never knew even existed. As Edward pulled our luggage out of the car the rain stopped. We left the car in a parking lot on the side and walked to a small plane that was waiting for us.

The pilot was going through a checklist and said he was almost ready to go. Edward put our luggage in the small plane and then took the camera out of my hands.

"Stand next to the wing, please, I want to get a picture of you," he instructed.

I grimaced, but did as he asked. "This wasn't what I had in mind for the album; I don't need photos of myself." I knew what I looked like and much preferred to look at him, either in person or in photos.

"Humor me. Getting you into a small plane is worthy of documentation. How about a smile?" His lovely teeth glimmered encouragingly at me.

I wanted to glower at him but it was impossible. I felt a smile on my lips in spite of myself. He took several pictures and then as if I was awakening from a stupor I put up my arms and waved him away. "That's enough. Let's get some of the two of us in the plane, okay?"

"Good idea, beautiful. Let's get you situated." He took my hand and helped me climb in the small cabin. He securely strapped me in and then put his arm around my shoulder. I suddenly thought: how did I get here? Somehow he had made it seem like this was my idea. He was way too smart for his own good. I was going to have to be on my toes this weekend, if I wanted my plans to have a chance.

It was still very overcast, but nothing to impede our immediate take-off. This was going to be an exciting adventure, I kept telling myself.

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**_Please take a moment to leave a review; it helps to know a real person is reading this stuff. Got a favorite line from this chapter? _**

Much thanks to my beta, _not done baking_, for super editing skills. Next chapter is in Edward's POV.


	9. Destination: Anywhere : EPOV

Chapter 9: _Destination: Anywhere_

Friday morning,_Edward's point of view_

Bella was nervous in the small plane, but I had my arm around her the whole time and that seemed to calm her fears. She knew I was perfectly capable of flying the plane in an emergency; I had convinced her of that long ago. We took a few more silly pictures for her album and then relaxed and looked out of the window at the clouds.

Our reunion this morning had been bliss. To feel her soft, warm body next to mine again surely must be heaven on earth. As close as I will ever get anyway. She was being a very good sport about the whole trip, including this plane ride.

The only indication that she was the least bit uneasy was the way she unconsciously played with her charm bracelet, fingering first the diamond heart I gave her and then the little wolf charm. I had been disturbed when I had first seen her wearing the gift from the mongrel, but I had quickly made my presence known and she seemed delighted to be wearing my heart on her sleeve.

I wasn't sure what he had been thinking when he gave her the bracelet but whatever it was, she was with me now and he would soon be a distant memory. I wondered if one day she would look at the wolf charm and have no recollection of the dog. I did not think I would be so lucky.

The whine of the engine and the isolation of the clouds shut out the world and let me contemplate my own thoughts for a change. My mind turned to the angel in my arms.

I knew the fierce attachment I had for Bella, a human, and a fragile one at that, was wrong. And yet, resistance was futile. I had tried; I had been at war with myself. I might not have a soul, but she did. And simply by becoming acquainted with me, I had put her soul in danger. And I could not stop at mere acquaintance. I had to get to know her. A very human girl.

Was I looking for a friend? That wasn't possible. Vampires didn't become friends with their prey. And that is what she had been to me, since the moment I came in contact with her scent. It was so overpowering, so alluring; so irresistible, I had almost taken her life then and there. But at least that would have insured her a place in heaven; and me a place in hell, if what I had already done in the past eighty years had not been enough.

But I couldn't stop at becoming acquainted with her. I fell in love with her. I didn't want to merely drink her blood; I wanted to possess every bit of her. Her body and her mind. I wanted her with me day and night. And to do that, I was condemning her to an existence of endless nights, with no rest, no dreaming. And I was stealing her soul and endangering her ability to get to heaven.

But she wanted to be with me; she came to me willingly. She had other options. She rejected them. She rejected a life without me, even though she couldn't know what life with me would hold. She said she knew what she would be giving up and she didn't care. All she wanted was to be with me. How was it even possible for her to love me so much?

I didn't deserve an angel like her. But I didn't want to go on without her. She was everything to me. All I wanted to do was make her happy, love her, care for her. No wonder Esme had always been so worried about me before I met Bella. There was such a large piece missing where love should have been. And Bella was that missing piece.

That reminded me of our first time in the meadow. I was trying to convince her of how dangerous I was; I was waiting for her to run away and stay away. But she surprised me. And at the same time I wanted to tell her I loved her, but I didn't know how she would react.

Later, when I had confided all this to her she had said, "Wild horses couldn't have dragged me away from you then. I wanted to tell you I loved you too, but I was afraid you wouldn't take me seriously."

And I had told her, "I was waiting for a sign from you. And when you said you would rather die than stay away from me, I knew. And I knew I had a heart because I felt it expanding, full of love for you."

Now that I had found her I would do whatever it took to keep her. I would gladly fight any battle, slay anyone who tried to tear us apart. As painful as it would be, as wrong as I still felt it to be, I would change her when the time came.

And I would have to live with the consequences until the end of time. And so would she. It bothered me to think of her paying for my mistake. And it wouldn't be the first time she had to pay for my selfishness. Would I ever stop hurting her? And yet she still loved me.

She didn't deserve to be turned into a creature of the night; didn't deserve the pain and the constant thirst that would become her existence. What if she regretted her decision? There was no turning back, once the venom took hold. And what if we made a mistake somehow, and she died instead of changing? That was unthinkable. It would be too much to bear. I could not let that happen.

That was part of the reason I wanted to put this off as long as possible. Carlisle assured me he knew what to do and he would be there the whole time, and of course I would not leave her side for a moment. But there was truly little we could do but wait the two or three days it would take for transformation to take place.

I was not worried about losing control when it came time to inject my venom into her tender flesh. Yes, it would be an opportunity to finally drink the blood that sang to me so sweetly, but I could not look forward to it. I knew the taste would be indescribable and intoxicating but I also knew that once I started it would be almost impossible to stop. So I would not start. I would pierce her flesh, inject the venom and move on to the next place. When I had finished my part of the process I would then try and ease her pain until her heart beat for the last time.

Knowing that I was the one who created her and brought her into this endless night was the price I would have to pay. Whenever I looked into her topaz eyes I would know that she was here because of me. Every time I looked at her I would have proof of her love. She spoke the truth when she said she couldn't live without me. She couldn't live with me, either. She would be existing, sharing all her days and nights with me. I knew what that meant, but she didn't, not really.

I knew she said she was ready and she wanted this more than anything. But I was afraid she was romanticizing the whole thing, and as much as I wanted to protect her from the harsh realities, I also wanted her eyes to be open. She needed to know everything about being a vampire--things I had made sure she didn't know about up until now. Things she needed to know to make an informed decision. A decision to become a creature of the night.

I couldn't let myself look forward to that day. As selfish as I was, it was risking everything to let the venom flow through her body. And she would no longer be living. She would be like me, one of the undead. No more warm blood flowing through her veins, bringing the blush to her lovely cheeks. No more beautiful, deep brown eyes. I knew her eyes would be beautiful no matter what color they were, but they would be different.

How different would she be in other ways? Would she remember me? Remember all we meant to each other? Would she still love me or hate me for what I had done? Could we overcome her differences or would she be so resentful I wouldn't be able to reach her?

I thought about how different I was from the boy I had been back in Chicago. But there was no one left to remember me as I had been before; except Carlisle, and he had only known me when I was already ill. And my mother had begged him to do whatever he needed to in order to save me. She seemed to sense that he had some special ability, something beyond human capabilities. She had put all her faith in him, as I was going to have to do with Bella. I was going to have to trust that Carlisle could get us all through this safely.

She would not be sidetracked. She was so stubborn, so single minded. It wasn't safe for her to be around me, around my family. Jasper had lost control over a paper cut and I had no choice; I had to leave her. I thought that was the only way to save her from this future she was so determined to have.

My inexperience with love had led me to make a very stupid decision and almost led to another kind of disaster. While I was gone she had managed to befriend a young werewolf pack. Maybe she did have a death wish.

It was still too painful to contemplate. She deserved better than this, although she was very determined. She had originally asked Alice to do it, right after we returned from Italy. And then Carlisle. The family vote. The way she had looked at everyone around the dining room table; it was almost like a bizarre game of musical chairs, searching our faces until she would land on someone she hoped would be able to change her.

I had been so angry and frustrated at watching her try to become one of us I felt the need to destroy something, anything; but it didn't make her stop.

Perhaps there was a bigger picture that I didn't quite see yet. Maybe it was destiny or fate. It was hard for me to accept that there were events beyond my control. My mind reading abilities gave me such an advantage over mere mortals and most other vampires. I had been a superior supernatural being for so long, perhaps my highly developed senses made me overconfident.

Now I had to be confident in Bella. I had to have faith in her, trust in her. I shouldn't try to question what she sees in me, since she is the only one in the world, in a hundred years, who has been special to me. However we found each other, however we came together, it was surely meant to be.

Even though I had a good amount of control over my thirst for her, it was not what I could call easy. I had control of the demon inside me and as much as I wanted to deny the monster lurking just under the surface, I was still a vampire. Sometimes when I felt the blood throbbing through her beautiful neck it would startle me with its intensity, with the yearning it inspired in me. But I could win that fight, for her sake. I had to.

I valued her for so much more than just her life-giving nectar, although it was responsible for so much of what made her unique. She was the most beautiful, delicate, feminine creature I had ever encountered. I had wanted to protect her from the first day I met her. Of course I was the first predator I had to protect her from, but not the last. She was still a magnet for trouble. And I could not leave her alone.

I would never tire of drinking in her scent, of seeing the blush spread across her beautiful cheeks, or of hearing her heart beat erratically just because I entered the room. When I touched her cheek with my fingertip I felt an electric charge course though my body.

I no longer felt lifeless when she let me kiss her soft, tender, full lips. I felt a warm current flow from her lips through mine and straight to my core. I felt as if my life was just beginning, and that was all her doing. No wonder I worshipped her.

Alice's news about Bella wanting to remove all boundaries gave me pause. I had learned that if I remained very still and held my breath I could allow Bella to kiss me as long and as passionately as she wished, without putting her in any danger. And I was still able to enjoy it. But it took a great deal of self-control, and if she was going to be testing my resolve I would have to be extra careful with her.

Being able to touch her and hold her for long, uninterrupted periods of time would help. I could desensitize myself to her scent and tame the beast inside me that still cried out for her blood. But what about the man inside me who wanted her body? How long would I be able to suppress those urges when she was determined to indulge them?

I wanted to be one with her in every way: mind, body, spirit, and in the eyes of God and the law. I was trying to do everything the right way, as hard as it was, and if she stopped cooperating with our plan I wasn't sure how long I would be able to resist her infinite charms. I wasn't sure how much I wanted to resist. I was still a man and she made me feel more human than I could ever remember feeling.

The need for her was becoming greater the closer we got to the wedding. I could feel the pressure building inside both of us. At times when she would enter a room there was this electric current buzzing between the two of us and even touching and kissing did nothing to lessen it. Jasper was running into the woods more and more often when I brought Bella over to the house, trying to escape the intensity of our feelings.

There was only one thing that was going to relieve this tension and I was desperately trying to wait until the wedding night for that. It wasn't just about preserving her virtue or mine; I was afraid I would lose all control and the demon inside me would take advantage of that moment to strike. It would only take one slip of my venom edged teeth to ruin everything we had worked so hard for. One moment could destroy our eternity.

To know that Bella no longer wanted to wait for our wedding night was both thrilling and frightening. If she wanted to be with me that way she must be fully committed to me and to our future together. Wasn't that a logical conclusion? But when did logic and Bella ever go together? She had the most convoluted way of thinking about things.

And she also had a way of rushing into to a dangerous situation without thinking about the consequences. How else had she ever ended up with me? But I just couldn't let her go, could I? She was my whole world.

But this world was less than perfect. I felt like she had recently built an invisible wall around herself. I could still see her and touch her, but a part of her was not there. She stared off into space for long periods of time and it drove me insane that I couldn't tell what she was thinking. But whatever it was, she wouldn't discuss it with me, so I could only think the worst.

She carefully avoided any mention of Jacob. She wouldn't say his name. She had given up trying to reach him by phone and she didn't drive to La Push any more. She didn't put him on the guest list for the wedding. She didn't write down the names of any of the pack.

It was almost as if she was trying to convince herself that he didn't exist anymore. Was that the only way she could deal with him not being in her life? Is this how she dealt with my absence? Was I now playing the role Jacob had played when I left her?

If she did still have feelings for Jacob, I hoped they were something we could discuss and deal with. Maybe they were tied into her feelings about being human. Maybe that's all it was. She was just nervous about her future with me; she was afraid of everything that entailed. Giving up her friends and family, her human life.

Maybe her connection with Jacob was just a friendship that she clung to for the warmth it offered. I could try and tell myself that. I couldn't stand to think she was actually in love with that mutt. That he had ever touched her and kissed her was almost more than I could stand. The thought of his mongrel stink clinging to her exquisite essence was so repulsive it made me want to retch. But at least, I thought with satisfaction… that would never happen again.

She was with me now and claimed to want to be with me forever. Then why didn't I feel like her heart was committed to me one hundred per cent? Her recent weight loss and tears were more evidence that something was wrong; I didn't care what Alice and Jasper said. What would it take to convince me she was fully committed to me? Would I be able to find a way to reach her and get her to talk about this?

She was too good at repressing unpleasant things; perhaps even better than me. She would want to protect me, do anything to keep me from being hurt. Did that extend to sacrificing her life for me? I couldn't let her do that if she was just doing it for me. This was already complicated enough without her making it worse. What was it going to take for me to get through to her?

* * *

**_Please leave a review;_** just a little one; a few words… let me know you're out there.

Many thanks to my beta, _not done baking_, for her excellent attitude and ability.


	10. Where You Lead, I Will Follow

Chapter 10: _**Where you lead, I will follow**_

Late Friday Morning

I was nervous in the small plane, but we were the only two passengers and Edward had his arm around me the whole time. To calm my fears he explained that he had taken flying lessons and would be perfectly capable of flying the plane in an emergency. We had already been over this material once in class, passing notes back and forth until he convinced me I was in no danger in an airplane with him.

Today he tossed around enough technical jargon to reassure me and I did eventually relax and enjoy being up in the clouds with my own personal Superman. He held the camera out with his arm gracefully extended and took some pictures of us with the small window and clouds as the background.

I sometimes couldn't believe this was my life, so it might be a good idea to have these pictures as proof. As long as Charlie didn't see them. I would have to turn the camera and memory cards over to Alice as soon as we got back and make sure she kept everything at their house. I wouldn't want to try to explain this trip to Charlie.

Edward wrapped his arms around me and I leaned against him and looked out at the clouds. This was actually relaxing, if you forgot you were in a tiny plane thousands of feet off the ground. But I always felt safe in his arms.

I could tell Edward's mind was elsewhere. He played with my hair and hummed randomly. He was deep in thought and I didn't want to bother him. I closed my eyes and lost myself in my own thoughts about him. He still wouldn't tell me where we were going, but since this was such a small plane I figured it couldn't be too far.

Before long it was time to land and the pilot announced that we were setting down at a tiny airport in Petaluma, about an hour north of San Francisco. We had flown about a thousand miles, but it seemed like a quick trip.

I had never been to the San Francisco Bay area but was happy to visit there with Edward. Who was I kidding? I would go anywhere with him. Or nowhere. If he had locked us in a bomb shelter for three days it would have been fine with me. I didn't think I would ever be able to get enough of the elusive Edward Cullen. But I would keep trying.

I looked at Edward and he was smiling, his eyes barely containing his excitement. I wondered about what else he had in store for me this weekend and I also felt a wide smile on my lips. I knew what I hoped to accomplish.

A light rain had been falling and Edward quickly transported me to a waiting Range Rover, large water droplets beading up on its highly polished white surface. He made sure I was secured in the passenger seat before putting our luggage in the back and taking off; I hesitate to say like a bat out of hell, but that was the image that sprang to mind.

Some beautiful scenery was flying by as we headed south: golden rolling hills dotted with dark green shrubs, sheep grazing in pastures, large stands of eucalyptus trees bordering the flat two-lane road, and out the right side window, the Pacific Ocean.

The rain had eased up to a mist, and Edward slowed down enough for me to enjoy the ride. The further south we went, into Marin County, the greener everything became. Forests sprang up on both sides of the road, with trees growing right down to the beach.

Sheep farms were replaced by black and white spotted dairy cattle climbing up the sides of pale green hills and meadows of wildflowers bloomed everywhere I looked. There were very few houses and almost no traffic on this road and it started to seem like we were the only two people in the world. I could get used to this.

I reached into my designer bag and touched the custom CD Alice had helped me create. I had chosen songs that I hoped would offer starting points for discussion. There were so many things I wanted to talk to him about; he kept so much of his past hidden from me, and even the parts I did know about, he very seldom talked about in any detail.

I was hoping since we were away from Forks and his family he might finally feel free enough to open up and let me see another side of him. He had been honest with me about his dark side, his 'rebellious years,' and I didn't really want to hear any more about that. But there was much more to him than that unhappy period.

I knew he didn't have many memories of his human life, but he had traveled the world and seen places and people I would never get to see. He was literally like a walking encyclopedia.

The only other time we had been alone on a trip like this was when we went to Florida to visit Renee, but everything was so different then. He was in overprotective mode, guarding every word he said to me. I admit, he had his reasons, and while I enjoyed the trip, it left me with more questions than answers.

With Renee around, he could hardly tell me what it was like when Alice and Jasper first joined the Cullens. He might have attended Harvard with one of our former Presidents. With Edward, anything was possible, and I wanted to know about these things.

I didn't want to pepper him with questions that made it seem like the Inquisition. I hoped that some of the older songs I had chosen would remind him of something that had happened in his past and then we could talk about that in a natural way.

He often saw through my schemes but even if he did realize what I had in mind he couldn't be upset about it. At least I didn't think he could. He should be flattered. I wasn't prying, but I was so curious. He knew all the details of my short, uneventful life and I still had so much to learn about him.

I slipped the CD into the stereo and pushed play, saying with satisfaction, "You're not the only one who can make a mix CD, you know."

He looked surprised as the delicate melody of Paul McCartney's _This Never Happened Before_ began to play. I hoped the sweet lyrics would set the proper mood for this special weekend. "_So come to me, now we can be what we want to be, I love you and now I see,  
this is the way it should be_…"

He was smiling as he said "This explains why Alice was reciting the Periodic Table in French when I got back. And Rosalie was concentrating on the firing order of her BMW – did she help you with this, too?" he asked, incredulous.

"Yes," I said, delighted that we had all been able to keep the CD a surprise. "Rosalie came up with some of Emmett's rock and roll CDs, and she was actually nice to me. I think she's finally beginning to accept me."

He lifted my hand to his cool lips and pressed a kiss into my palm. My heart skipped a beat. "He writes a good melody, doesn't he?" I remarked.

"Yes, he has developed into quite the composer."

"It sort of expresses all the things I feel but have trouble saying," I said cautiously. "Especially the '_now we can be what we want to be_' part."

"I want that too," he whispered, but I could tell he was thinking about everything that was involved in making 'what we want to be' happen for me. Then he looked at my hand, noticed my glowing, buffed nails and said in surprise, "Bella, your nails look lovely."

I frowned, trying to withdraw my hand but he wouldn't let go of it, simply lowering it to his side but keeping it well within his firm grip. This was already not going according to plan. We weren't supposed to be talking about me.

He then looked at me and said, "What's the matter?"

"Nothing. I just can't believe you noticed my fingernails," I said with exasperation.

"Very little about you escapes my notice. Would you be happier if I ignored you?" he inquired with just the slightest bit of an edge to his voice.

This was threatening to get out of hand, literally. "No, of course not," I quickly answered.

"I was trying to give you a compliment," he said, now with an amused tone.

"Oh it's not you, it was Rosalie," I admitted.

"What?" I had him good and confused now.

"When we were putting this CD together of course Rosalie noticed my jagged, grubby nails and I got a big lecture on how I was too old to still be biting my nails. And then she insisted on giving me a manicure," I explained.

"She has no right to lecture you about your nails, especially since it's my fault that you feel so stressed you have to bite them."

"Edward, I bit my nails before I met you; I've always done it. It's a terrible habit but it's not your fault. It's just that Rosalie…"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I know how impatient you get with the beauty treatments they try to force on you," he said, all conciliatory now.

"It's not even that; she brought out some buffing tool and in just a few minutes she had done both hands and I have to admit they look much better. And I can take it from Alice most of the time, but I guess what bothers me most is that Rosalie was right."

"Right about what… your manicure?" he asked, confused again.

"Yes, that, but it just annoys me to think she knows you better than I do. She said something about how you would like it if I made myself look as good as possible for you…"

Before I could finish my sentence he interrupted to say, "She shouldn't have said that. You're a natural beauty and you don't need all the make up and products that Rosalie uses."

It was nice to hear him say that, but it wasn't very realistic. "Edward, I have eyes. Anyone can see how beautiful Rosalie is, with or without make up. And that isn't even the point," I took a deep breath, trying not to get frustrated.

"I'm sorry I'm being so dense," he said sincerely, "but I just can't see where you're going with this."

I had to lean my head on his shoulder and tuck my right hand around his arm, getting as close to him as the car interior would allow. "You're so sweet, Edward. And I'm being a little stupid, I guess. I think I just have some insecurities where Rosalie is concerned."

"Well that _is_ foolish, because you're worth a hundred Rosalies," he declared. "You're not only a natural beauty you have an inner beauty that she simply doesn't possess. Your kindness, loyalty, compassion, bravery, and your ability to forgive..." He had to stop speaking when I put my hand up to his cool lips.

"That's enough. I get it. Now I feel even more stupid for being insecure," I said, blushing in spite of myself. "And maybe she is right. Maybe I could wear something besides blue jeans once in a while."

"You look great in blue jeans. You don't have to change anything about yourself to please me."

I considered that statement for a moment, thinking of how he still seemed so reluctant to 'change' me. Sure, I had learned the basics of what was going to happen, but I suspected there were things I was being kept in the dark about. For my own good, of course.

It was interesting how everyone but me could determine what was for my own good. I was always the last one consulted when something was being done for my own good, if I was even consulted at all. I was getting tired of that and didn't know how much more I could take.

I deserved to know the whole truth. But I didn't want to get into a big argument with Edward on this trip. This time alone was too special to start a discussion about all the details of me being a vampire. The Cullens made it look so easy, but I had a feeling there was a lot more involved than they ever let me see.

Sometimes I felt like they kept me so in the dark that I didn't even know what kind of questions to ask. I thought of how I had literally stumbled into Volturi territory; they had never mentioned them before. And how I had finally found out about Jasper's past with Maria and the armies of vampires when it wasn't possible to keep it a secret from me any longer. They didn't exactly volunteer a lot of information.

Rosalie had finally opened up to me about her life and how she became a part of the Cullen family only when she thought it might make a difference in my decision. I appreciated her making the effort to talk to me, but nothing was going to change my mind about being with my own personal Greek god whose profile I was admiring at this very moment.

I knew Edward was just trying to protect me, and shelter me from harsh truths, but I suspected there were other things I still needed to know. And when would I find them out? When they could no longer hide them from me? I was beginning to see a pattern and I didn't like it.

I decided to stick to the subject before us for now. "Again, that's very sweet of you, Edward, but I saw the way you looked at me on Prom night," I teased.

"You did look astonishing that night, but it would be silly to look like that every day." He laughed at the thought.

Then a look of recognition came over his face as the opening chords of a Thompson Twins song began. "I know you like Eighties music, and I thought this song had a lot to say about our relationship."

"_I have a picture, pinned to my wall. An image of you and of me, and we're laughing and loving it all. Look at our life now, we're tattered and torn. We fuss and we fight and delight in the tears that we cry until dawn._"

"This is how you view our relationship?" Edward asked doubtfully.

"Keep listening, it gets better," I tried to reassure him.

"_Hold me now, warm my heart. Stay with me, let loving start. You say I'm a dreamer; we're two of a kind. Both of us searching for some perfect world we know we'll never find_."

This was definitely one of the songs that I could not have listened to after Edward left me in the woods. Just about any music reminded me of him and I couldn't stand to hear it back then. But to live without music was almost impossible if you ever left your room.

It had been a slow re-entry into the world of music. When Alice would take me to the mall there was always music playing, I couldn't avoid it. And I was happy that Edward had given me a portable CD player so I could listen to his CD again. But I couldn't just listen to happy love songs, although they were the best for the times when he was away hunting.

"_So I'll sing you a new song. Please don't cry anymore. And then I'll ask your forgiveness though I don't know just what I'm asking it for. Hold me now, hold me in your loving arms, oh, warm my heart, my cold and tired heart. Stay with me, let loving start…_"

"See, it has a happy part," I justified.

He chuckled and said, "You_are_ a dreamer, but I do like the keyboards on that song. Did you know Thomas Dolby used to play with them?" he asked, not knowing that until yesterday I had no idea who Thomas Dolby was.

I shook my head 'no,' and thought of how sly Alice could be as Edward continued.

"I'm very familiar with that song, though. I saw them perform it live on a double bill with Culture Club in London at the Hammersmith Odeon in the winter of '84. Rosalie and Alice wanted to go and Carlisle didn't want them going alone so I was drafted to escort them."

"Wow, what was it like?" I hoped Alice had some pictures of this time.

"The bands were great. The crowd was so full of punks and Goths that no one paid the least bit of attention to us. We looked like the normal ones. And the smell of weed was so pervasive it made it really easy to be in a big crowd. Talk about an appetite suppressant," he joked.

Then the next song started. It was Thomas Dolby's_She Blinded Me with Science_. Edward's smile got even bigger as he looked at me.

"It's all Alice's doing. She told me this was a good song for us because we sat next to each other in Biology," I explained.

"Well, that works, too," he agreed. "That was the first time I felt the electric current that runs between us; it took every ounce of control I had not to reach over and put my arms around you when we were sitting there in the dark watching that stupid film. I wanted to touch you so badly I thought I was going to burst into flames."

"I know the feeling; it was sheer torture."

"You did blind me or bewitch me that day. And I'm happy to be under your spell."

"You're the one who dazzles me, remember?" I reminded him.

"I think that works both ways. You have much more power over me than you are aware of," he confided.

"I wish," was my only comment.

He made a low sound in his throat that almost sounded like a purr. Then he raised my hand to his lips and lightly brushed them against my skin. I shivered and smiled. "I'm still not sure what you see in me, but I'm not going to question my good luck," he said.

"Edward! We were meant for each other. I know that now. And I won't ever doubt it."

"If you keep saying things like that I'm not going to be able to concentrate on the road," he threatened.

Then his expression got more serious as Kelly Clarkson's _The Trouble With Love_ began.

"_The trouble with love is, it can tear you up inside, make your heart believe a lie, it's stronger than your pride."  
_

Sometimes listening to a sad love song was impossible to avoid, and I discovered that it wasn't as bad as I feared. That painful part of my past was over, and I knew there would always be reminders that I had to deal with. Too much had happened to be ignored. But evidently my heart was a more resilient muscle than I had thought, and the sad love songs didn't send shooting pains through my body any longer. As long as Edward was with me.

I liked sad movies and now I could listen to sad songs without falling apart. I could do anything if Edward was by my side. I had a lot of regrets about some of the things that had happened, and the people I had hurt, but shutting music out my life forever wasn't an option anymore, especially with Edward being such a talented pianist.

I thought this song was a good representation of my current situation. I had been through the worst that could happen; Edward had lied to me and left me. It was part of my past and I had to deal with it. And now all the obstacles that had tried to keep us apart had been removed and we could face anything together. And I loved Kelly's voice, expressing all the emotions I felt but had a hard time showing.

_Now I was once a fool, it's true, I played the game by all the rules  
But now my world's a deeper blue, I'm sadder, but I'm wiser too  
I swore I'd never love again, I swore my heart would never mend  
Said love wasn't worth the pain, but then I hear it call my name_

Edward lowered the volume and said, "Bella, sometimes I worry about the way your mind works. First we're meant to be, then we're tattered and torn, and now love is just painful?" He sounded confused again.

I decided to be honest. "We are all those things. We haven't exactly had a perfect relationship. We've had our ups and downs. But the love never stopped. I always loved you."

"I never stopped loving you, either, Bella." He looked thoughtful and then said, "If there was one thing you could change about our relationship, what would that be?"

I was shocked by that question. It had never occurred to me before. "What do you mean?"

"You just said we've had a lot of ups and downs. Now you can change one thing, to make our relationship easier. What would it be?" he repeated.

"I don't have any idea; I never thought about it." I was quiet for a moment. "I like you the way you are. I don't want to change you. Maybe just don't spend so much money on me," I offered.

"Money. Money is so meaningless if you have a lot of it, which I hope you will understand one day. Anyway, that's a relief. I thought perhaps you might say something else." He sounded like he'd just dodged a bullet.

"What did you think I was going to say?" I was curious now.

He didn't immediately answer. Hesitantly he began, "I thought you might wish I were just a normal young man."

I could tell this was painful for him. I knew he wished he were human for my sake. Of course I wished that, too; if he were human so many of our problems would disappear. But I didn't let myself even dream about that; it would make my reality that much more painful.

I tried to make it easier for him by saying, "That didn't occur to me because I already think of you as a normal young man. Is that what you wish?"

"For your sake, yes. Don't you think it would make your life easier?"

I was desperately trying to think of something to say to reassure him. "It might, but that's not going to happen; I mean, it's impossible. And I don't think like that anyway." At least that much was true; I did not allow myself to think like that.

"You can easily contemplate damning your soul to an eternal Hell, but you can't conceive of me being a real, live human? No wonder I can't figure out how your mind works," he said, shaking his head.

"Edward, if there was a way, if there was anything we could do to make you human, you know I would do it. But since you can't become like me, I choose to become like you. I will do anything to be with you forever. That's all I want," I said as sincerely as I could, hoping it would be enough.

He kissed my hand and said, "I want to be with you forever, too. You know I want that. I just wish there was something I could do to spare you from making that sacrifice."

There it was again; his reluctance to change me. But he knows he must do it.

"I know you and Carlisle will do everything you can to make things go smoothly," I said, not even willing to start thinking about what would happen on that momentous day looming in the near future. "I trust you."

And I did trust him. He had risked everything to protect me and he showed me every day just how precious I was to him. I wouldn't allow myself to believe that he could leave me again. I didn't think he could force himself to do that now, not now that I had agreed to marry him and was wearing his engagement ring. And I knew he still felt horribly guilty about leaving me before. He just couldn't make that same mistake again.

The biggest concern I had was that something would happen to one of us before my transformation. If we could just get through these next few weeks, then everything would be all right. I turned the volume up to hear the next song, another vintage number, courtesy of Alice.

_Long ago and far away, I dreamed a dream one day, and now that dream is here beside me. Long the skies were overcast, but now the clouds have passed, you're here at last!_

_Chills run up and down my spine, Aladdin's Lamp is mine, the dream I dreamed was not denied me. Just one look and then I knew, that all I longed for, long ago was you._

"That's how I feel about you, Bella," he said softly. "So long ago I did dream I would find someone to spend my life with, but then my life ended before I even had a chance to… well, I got a second chance with you and nothing is going to take you away from me now."

"That's what I like to hear," I agreed. The crisis over him not being human and not being able to save me from becoming like him seemed to have passed. His moods were so volatile. One moment everything seemed fine and the next he would sink into some black hole that I feared I would be unable to pull him out of.

I could only hope that once my change was complete and we could be together in every way that these mood changes would also disappear. Or was this just his nature? I needed to talk to Esme about this. Maybe she could give me some insight that would help me cope. I just wanted to make him as happy as he made me.

Then the pulsating beat of Beyonce's _Crazy in Love_ was unmistakable. Edward cocked an eyebrow at me in disbelief and I quickly said, "Just listen to the lyrics, Edward."

"_I look and stare so deep in your eyes, I touch on you more and more every time  
When you leave I'm begging you not to go, call your name two, three times in a row."  
_

I smiled at him and he nodded, tapping his hand on the steering wheel in time with the music.

"_It's the beat that my heart skips when I'm with you, but I still don't understand, just how your love can do what no one else can."  
_

His crooked smile appeared, and I said, "This was Rosalie's contribution."

He looked surprised, and I continued, "She was actually very helpful with the music. But she tried to teach me the dance Beyonce does in the video and it didn't turn out so well. She and Alice together are just unstoppable. They treat me like a rag doll. I almost dislocated my hip. She says she does it for Emmett and he really likes it, but I lost my balance and fell on my rear end." I was proud that I was able to say that without blushing.

"Are you okay?" Edward inquired, immediately concerned.

"Well yes, the floor and I are old friends; I've had a lot of experience falling."

"I will speak to them when we get back. They know better than to treat you like that; this rag doll business will stop," he said grimly.

"Oh no, please don't Edward. This was the first time Rosalie and I actually had fun together. She was being really nice and she's a beautiful dancer. They were both just trying to help, and it _was_ funny. I don't think they're used to dealing with a human girl; I mean, they don't know all my limitations," I explained.

"Of course they do; they know you're breakable."

I laughed. "Yes, they're well aware of that. But they weren't trying to hurt me, they were trying to teach me to dance," I countered.

"Same difference," he shot back.

"But we had so much fun, and I didn't really get hurt. Please don't say anything to them, I don't want to spoil the memory of that day," I pleaded.

"Do you have any bruises from the dance lesson?" he inquired.

"I don't think so, but I'm not sure. Do you want to do an inspection?" I offered.

"Perhaps," he said with a twinkle in his liquid topaz eyes. "Are you going to attempt to dance for me later?" he asked with a teasing note in his voice.

"Sure, sure. Is there an emergency room located near this Lodge where we're staying?" I asked with a straight face.

He laughed loudly as we breezed by a pasture full of mooing cows.

Another Eighties guitar classic roared out of the speakers; Robert Palmer's _Addicted to Love. _

_The lights are on but you're not home, your mind is not your own  
You can't eat, you can't sleep, there's no doubt you're in deep  
Your throat is tight, you can't breathe, another kiss is all you need_

___You like to think that you're immune to the stuff, oh, yeah  
It's closer to the truth, you know, you might as well face it, you're addicted to love_

_____You see the signs but you can't read, you're running at a different speed  
Your heart beats at double time, another kiss and you'll be mine  
_

Edward turned to look at me saying, "The only thing I'm addicted to is you."

"I know; you're brand loyal." I blushed as he leaned over to kiss me.

* * *

__A/N: Thanks to everyone who has left a review; it's really great to know someone is reading this._____ **Did you like the songs in this chapter? Please let me know.** _

_____I've only been on this site for about six months_, so I'm still learning how it works. I've noticed that some people have been adding me to their Favorites, and that's great; I appreciate it.___ **But if you want to get an email that lets you know when I've added a new chapter, you need to choose: Add Story to Story Alert, from the same menu where you leave a review. **You can still add me to your Favorites ;-)_

_____This chapter would not be readable without the advice of my beta,_ not done baking___. __She rocks. _


	11. I'll Be the Guide, For All Time

Chapter 11: I'll be the guide, for all time

Edward slowed down to go through the tiny town of Point Reyes Station. There was just one main street, no traffic light, and as we crawled along behind a black BMW I noticed a bakery, two bookstores and three art galleries. As we passed Toby's Feed Barn and the Old Western Saloon we could hear the unmistakable sound of a cow mooing really loudly. It sounded like it was coming from the Saloon.

"Is there a cow in that bar?" I wondered out loud.

"No, Bella, although that is what it sounded like. There's a speaker above the door and everyday at noon the cow moos. Some of the sound engineers from I.L.M. hooked it up as a practical joke, but it was so popular they left it," he explained.

I digested this information, but had to ask, "What is I.L.M.?"

"Industrial Light and Magic, George Lucas' movie company. Skywalker Ranch is in the forest just about ten minutes from here, if you ignore the speed limit. They filmed _American Graffiti_ in Petaluma, where we landed," he informed me.

"Oh, I loved _American Graffiti_."

"That's one of Rosalie's favorites; she loves all the cars in it. They filmed some of _The Birds_ around here, too. The scenery here is so beautiful, they have made many movies here. And of course, _Gattaca_ was filmed here in Marin. "

"That's why you chose that movie the other night. I had no clue."

"It is fun to surprise you," he said, barely able to hide his delight.

"Don't press your luck, mister. I thought this street we're on was awfully quaint. No wonder this looks like a Hollywood movie idea of an old West town."

"Hollywood is not responsible for the way Point Reyes looks. It hasn't changed much in 80 years," he replied. "It _is_ a little old West town."

"Have you been here before?" I was really curious now.

"Yes, Carlisle and I first came here in 1921, just a couple years after the Lodge we're going to was built. But first we're going to take a short detour though Bear Valley."

"Bear Valley – has Emmett been here?" I asked with interest.

"Yes, he's been here. Unfortunately there are very few bears left. Over in Sonoma County, where we landed, they still have bears," he explained. "Bear Valley is Miwok land, that's the local tribe. There are still a few of them around, too."

"Tribal land? Is it safe for you to be here?" I asked apprehensively.

"Yes, the Miwoks are a very peaceful tribe, not like some others we won't mention," he glanced at me with a rueful smile.

"Carlisle worked out a treaty with them that is beneficial for both of us. They have nothing to fear from us and they don't try to threaten us. Bear Valley here is the spiritual home of the Miwoks. They have a lot of myths and legends that revolve around ghosts and spirits. I believe there is a haunted room at the Lodge where we're staying."

"Not the room we're staying in?" I figured all I needed now was a ghost to torment me.

"No; we're not staying in the main Lodge and I can assure you our cabin is not haunted."

"Do you believe in ghosts, Edward?"

"You are aware that you are asking this of a vampire?"

I guess I had my answer. I tried very hard not to shiver.

As he spoke we were winding through a eucalyptus grove; he said the trees were planted around the time he was born, 1901. They were massive now, each with a circumference of at least 12 feet. The road through Bear Valley was full of twists and turns; he said it used to be a deer path, and that's the way many of our modern roads came into being.

"This land belongs to the National Park Service now; creating this park was one of the last things President Kennedy did before he was assassinated in 1963," Edward explained.

Of course I had studied that in history class, and seen the newsreels, but it occurred to me that Edward had lived through it, so to speak. "Do you have memories of that day, when President Kennedy was shot?" I asked curiously.

A shadow passed over his eyes and they almost seemed to have clouded up. He looked like he was choosing his words carefully before he spoke.

"Yes, I remember that day. There was so much shock and sadness. It was just unbelievable. It didn't seem like only the President was killed, it seemed like hope died that day, too. He was such a charismatic man, he held the hopes and dreams of an entire nation, and he was popular all over the world, too. We haven't really had another President like that. For a long time after that, when you met someone new they would say, 'What were you doing when you heard Kennedy got shot?' It was an event everyone shared. So many sad thoughts," he concluded.

This was going to be a different sort of weekend. I wasn't just learning about history, I was learning about _his_ history. He was letting me see parts of himself that I knew nothing about. He seemed so moved by talking about the popular President.

"Did you ever see President Kennedy in person, like on the campaign trail or something?"

He looked pensive for a moment and then said, "No, I never saw President Kennedy," and he paused before continuing, "but I met Jack Kennedy, before he ever thought about being President."

"Tell me, Edward. When was this?"

"It was awhile after my rebellious period, and Carlisle decided we needed a complete change of scenery so he took us off to England. This was right before World War two. Joseph Kennedy was the U.S. ambassador to England then. Esme was an admirer of Rose Kennedy and her big family, and she used to read out loud about the activities of their nine children from the London papers."

I nodded; it was easy to imagine Esme wishing she had that many children in her home. I didn't want children but I longed to be part of the Cullen family. To have two loving parents, brothers and sisters and a built in best friend would be a dream come true for me. For all of Edward's protests that he wasn't much of a bargain, I couldn't agree with him about that. I would be getting the love of my life and a happy family as well. I had to remind myself that they were vampires and it was just a price I would have to pay. I still thought I was getting the best end of the deal.

"London is foggy and rainy, even in the summertime. I was walking through Hyde Park one gray day and I sat on a bench to watch a group of young men playing American football."

"It wasn't long before one of them got injured; he twisted his ankle. They brought him over to the bench where I was sitting, to elevate his leg. It was Teddy, Jack's youngest brother. I think he was as accident prone as you," he said as he winked at me.

I rolled my eyes, knowing he was justified in making that statement.

"They started talking to me, and they were thrilled to find another American. When they found out I was from Chicago it was like they immediately adopted me. Their father owned the Chicago Merchandise Mart and they loved Chicago. They needed someone to replace Teddy, and Jack asked me if I would step in."

"They didn't shy away from you?" He had told me most humans had a reluctance to be close to his kind.

"No, they were fearless and somewhat reckless. And I have to admit, I wanted to test myself, playing a game with humans. Jack was definitely the ringleader… extremely competitive, but a good sport. He was having fun; I got the impression he always had fun, no matter where he was. And he didn't think he was going to ever be President; he had an older brother for that, Joe junior. When Joe was killed during the War, that changed everything in that family."

"Did you ever see them again?"

"No, they invited me back to their house but I declined. I was already pressing my luck, playing football with them. Any one of them could have received an injury that resulted in bleeding. Besides, they were way too high profile as children of the U.S. Ambassador to get involved with in any long term way. And can you imagine JFK meeting Rosalie?" he shuddered slightly.

I smiled as I tried to picture that meeting; then I thought of Jackie Kennedy meeting Edward and I felt a slight shudder run through me. I had read that she was very charming, too. I was glad his encounter with the Kennedys had been brief.

"Thanks for telling me about that; it's interesting to get your perspective," I said gratefully, wondering how much of his life I would ever get to hear about. He had so many experiences I had never even imagined. Hopefully I would have an eternity to hear about them all.

"You can always ask me about anything, Bella. I hope you know that."

_Yes, I thought, I can ask, but you don't always answer. You edit far too much to suit me. _But maybe he was serious. Maybe he would begin to answer all my questions fully. I hoped so, for both our sakes.

As we turned onto Sir Francis Drake Boulevard it stopped raining altogether, although it was still very overcast. On the left side of the road there were only a few houses, scattered among tall trees and I could see a massive forest rising on a series of hills. Wisps of fog nestled comfortably amidst the large pines and fir trees.

"That's Tomales Bay," he said, pointing to a large body of water on the right. "That's where the most shark attacks in the world take place."

"Hey, what about Florida? That's what you said when we visited Renee."

"I have to admit I was fibbing then, for your own good."

"What!" I shot him a look of disbelief. Not something else for my own good. I was so sick of that phrase.

"I didn't want you going into the water when I couldn't be there, and it was too sunny for me to be on the beach. They do have shark attacks, and you are just too tempting. But the most attacks take place in these waters."

"You're kidding, right?" I asked incredulously, looking at a few sailboats skimming peacefully on the Bay.

"No I'm not. The coastal waters just north of San Francisco have more shark attacks than anywhere else. Lots of surfers in black wetsuits look like seals to a shark, and they even come into this Bay to go after kayakers."

"Ooh, kayaking sounds like fun," I interjected.

"What, you don't want a surfing lesson?" he asked sarcastically. "Just guess how many water sports you're going to be involved in this weekend?" he finished.

"Zero," I offered.

"I knew you were smart, Bella. I don't even want to see you dipping a toe in the Bay. With your delicious scent I can just see an entire school of sharks going after you."

"Well, as long as Alice doesn't see it I think I'll be okay," I retorted. "What_are_ we going to do this weekend?"

Edward began to tell me about the Lodge where we would be staying. "Carlisle discovered this place when it was still new, in 1917. He was visiting San Francisco and heard about this hunting lodge, deep in the forest on the coast. He brought me here at a time when I was having some trouble adjusting to my new way of life, and I've always had a special fondness for this place."

We passed a small cottage on the bayside where a flock of about a dozen sheep fed near the fence, just a few feet back from the road. An old, weathered handmade sign read: _Dream Farm_, and that's exactly what it looked like. This whole area was like something out of a dream or a fairy tale.

I began to hope that from this point on that's what my life would become; a fairy tale where all the evil monsters had been dealt with and we could go straight to happily ever after part. I really was a dreamer.

We quickly passed through Inverness, a tree-lined town on the Bay, even smaller than Point Reyes. I noticed the cross streets all had names reminiscent of Scotland: Aberdeen, Dundee, and Heather Way.

Then Edward turned left on Argyle and we were going steeply uphill on another twisting road. Suddenly on the right I saw it looming out of the fog, shrouded by tall Douglas Fir trees: _Manka's Inverness Lodge_.

An old sign on the side of the large, three-story wooden shingled structure said: _Honest Beds, Phenomenal Food,_ and beneath that, _Providing Pleasure and Respite since 1917._ This would be our home for the next three days and that sign dovetailed perfectly with my plans.

A red BMW convertible was parked in the lot on the side, and as we pulled up next to it I looked at Edward and asked in confusion, "Rosalie isn't here, is she?"

"No, that model is one year older than Rosalie's, and it has California plates. You can relax; none of my family is here. This weekend is for just the two of us," he said with more than a hint of satisfaction.

Edward parked the car and came around to open my door and whisked me up the stairs to the wide porch. He set me down when we reached a front door filled with old, wavy glass and we stepped into another world. Edward whispered, "Amazing. It's remarkably unchanged, like a place where time has stood still."

There was wood everywhere: dark hardwood floors, walls and even the ceiling, covered in a light colored birch bark. We looked around the front parlor, where a bearskin rug lay in front of a fireplace built of river rock. A chandelier made of antlers cast a golden glow over the old wood frame sofa, covered in red and black wool plaid fabric. A low oak table held an antique gameboard, set up for checkers.

A very large, pale yellow English Labrador Retriever was asleep on the bearskin rug in front of the fire. He opened his eyes and lifted his head as we approached. He sniffed the air and then closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

I looked at Edward and said, "You seem to have passed the sniff test."

"He could have picked up my scent from a previous visit, so it isn't a shock to him now," Edward surmised. "Or maybe he's just an incredibly mellow dog."

He wore a large leather collar with a nametag that read: _Louie._

"If he wasn't sleeping so peacefully I would say he looks like the Hound of the Baskervilles; that dog must weigh more than me," I marveled.

"Yes, about twice as much as you. He doesn't look like he's missed any meals but I don't think he's dangerous. There were a lot of hunting dogs last time I was here, but they stayed outside. This big guy looks very comfortable in here."

We surveyed the parlor, and it was easy to imagine it was still 1920. A stuffed baby raccoon was dangling from a branch mounted on the wall behind the antique check-in desk in the corner next to the front door. A Canadian goose with wings outspread was suspended from the ceiling in the opposite corner, above a mica-shaded lamp, whose base was made out of a large carved wood bear.

There were battered fishing creels hanging on the walls, and an old sepia photo of a smiling woman standing next to a large fish she had evidently just caught.

An antique sideboard held a large world globe that was illuminated from within, casting a soft amber glow against one wall. A massive arrangement of branches and wildflowers stood next to the globe in a large copper vase. Candles in old silver candlesticks flickered atop the gleaming black surface of a grand piano in the other corner. It was rustic yet elegant at the same time.

Edward continued, "Manka was a delightful Czechoslovakian woman who ran the Lodge and cooked for the hunters. They would bring her venison or elk, rabbit, pheasant, boar, sometimes bear."

I smiled, thinking of Emmett.

"Of course we never bothered her with requests for cooking," he gave me a significant look, "but this was a good place to relax after hunting."

Given its remote location in the middle of a forest, this came as no surprise. But it was surprising to me that he would bring me here. Before I could ask him about that, a tall, handsome young man with closely cropped dark hair came in from the adjoining dining room and noticed us. He spoke with just the barest hint of a Southern accent.

"Welcome to Manka's. My name is Bradley and I'm happy to be at your service. How may I help you?"

"We have reservations; the name is Cullen," Edward said.

"Oh yes, you're in Manka's Cabin, that's our finest accommodation," he looked up, his twinkling blue eyes showing surprise, perhaps at our youth, but he made no comment about it. He didn't look too much older than me, anyway. "Can I take you there now, or would you like some refreshments here first?"

"I believe I made arrangements for something to be waiting for us in the cabin," Edward offered.

The charming young man checked his reservation book and then smiled warmly. "Yes, I see there are a lot of special arrangements for your stay. Let me get your bags and show you right to the cabin, Mr. Cullen."

So Edward had made a lot of special arrangements; this came as no surprise. But I couldn't help wondering what those arrangements entailed, and how many of them were for my benefit. Probably most, if not all of them.

This trip was supposed to be a gift for him, and I could already see that he wanted to make it about me. I wanted to say something to him about this, but I didn't want to do anything to spoil his fun. I decided to remain quiet for now and see how far he went before I rebelled.

We walked outside to the car where Edward handed his bag to Bradley and easily slung my garment bag over his own shoulder. Edward put his arm around my waist and gave me a little nod as if to say "Don't worry, I've got you," and we followed Bradley past a row of quaint little log cabins that were joined together just beyond a little stand of Japanese maples.

We followed a path behind the Lodge and started down a meandering set of cobblestone steps, which I managed to almost trip on, but Edward steadied me before disaster could strike.

"There you go," he said. I blushed and looked up at him with a sheepish grin. His eyes were dancing with suppressed mirth.

Edward whispered to me, "Try to watch your step; you are the most precious thing in the world to me and I don't want to lose you."

When he looked like that and said things like that I wanted him to drop the luggage and ravish me right then and there amidst the ferns under the giant redwoods. I knew that wasn't going to happen, but I could daydream. I could already tell that this place was very conducive to that activity.

We wound through a little grove of redwoods and Douglas fir eventually coming to a large log cabin nestled under the low hanging branches. There were steps up to the porch, which I navigated with care, and then Bradley opened the door to the cabin and ushered us in.

* * *

**This would be a nice time to leave a review.** Just a word or two… perhaps the more reviews, the faster they get in the cabin.

_I expanded a bit on the meeting with JFK for a challenge_; if you want to read that, it's called "On The Way To Camelot." **And if you want to get an email when I post another chapter of this story, click "Add Story to Story Alert" on the same menu after you leave your review, thank you.**


	12. Our Little Corner of Heaven

AN_: I added a link on my Profile page that will take you to photos that illustrate this story. It has interior shots of the Cabin and the Lodge, locations, etc. I will be adding photos as I add chapters. If I haven't said so before, Manka's is a real place; there's also be a link to their website. _

* * *

**Chapter 12: **_**Our Little Corner of Heaven** _

Friday Afternoon

It was like crossing the threshold to another time. There were really no modern conveniences visible. Candles glowed around the room, which was dominated by an old brown leather sofa that faced a massive floor to ceiling, ocean stone fireplace. An enormous moose head hung over the mantle. A copper cauldron of firewood sat on the hearth.

The hardwood floor was covered in rugs that looked like Native American blankets, and small oak tables had antique worn wicker lamps or little copper lamps with mica shades.

Although I didn't see any stereo speakers, I could hear soft piano music playing. A simply framed beveled mirror reflected the bouquet of wildflowers that graced the round oak dining table in the corner, along with a large silver tray filled with covered dishes, also made of heavy silver. One wall held a low bookcase filled with old leather bound books. All the soft, faded colors and textures made for a harmonious blend of rustic luxury.

Bradley struck a match and lit the kindling in the fireplace, starting a crackling blaze. He then went over to a carved antique cabinet in the corner and opened it, saying "This is the entertainment center: stereo, cds, games, and a mini fridge," which he pointed to and asked, "Should I open the sparkling cider now?"

"No, that's all right, thanks, I think we want to freshen up first," Edward said as he picked up a poker and stirred the kindling in the massive fireplace, sending sparks in several directions. It reminded me of what I felt like when he touched me. I smiled in anticipation of just how much I hoped I would be feeling those sparks this weekend.

As if on cue, Bradley gracefully crossed the room to open a large set of carved wooden doors, saying, "Here's the bedroom and the bath."

With Bradley's looks and elegant carriage I thought he was a good candidate for becoming a vampire. Then I caught myself and blushed. I couldn't recall ever thinking that about another human being before. There was definitely something different about this place and it was doing things to my mind.

A king size bed with a log frame dominated the room. The spacious bathroom had a heated slate floor and oversized, white claw foot bathtub, big enough for two, I noted with delight as I followed along behind Bradley.

He set the luggage down in the walk in closet and we started back to the living room. "Outside through that door on the right is the sky shower, which is sublime either by moonlight or sunrise, depending on your preference," he smiled and winked at me.

I glanced at Edward, hoping he wasn't going to get jealous. Standing with his back to the fire now, his eyes were on me and he was smiling that crooked smile I loved so much, so I relaxed. This whole trip was beginning to seem like a dream. It was so good I didn't want to pinch myself to make sure I was awake.

"Thank you Bradley, you're a delightful host. We'll call you if we need anything," Edward gracefully dismissed him, pulling a small white envelope out of his jacket pocket and handing it to Bradley.

"Thank you, Mr. Cullen. It's my pleasure to serve you," Bradley smiled and quickly withdrew, leaving us alone in this rustic yet elegant paradise.

"What was in the envelope?" my curiosity was piqued.

"A tip, and further instructions," Edward replied smoothly.

It almost seemed like a shame to disturb the serenity of the achingly beautiful living room by throwing ourselves on the sofa, but that's what we did.

"What a comforting place this is," I sighed as I snuggled next to Edward. He had his arms wrapped around me as we stretched out on the worn leather.

"I had hoped you would like it."

"I'm so glad you didn't get jealous when Bradley winked at me; he seems very sweet, but not my type," I hastened to add.

At that Edward broke into a deep, hearty laugh. "What did I say that was so funny?" I demanded.

Still laughing, Edward managed to say, "He plays for the other team, Bella. He's a nice guy, but you don't stand a chance with him; he would be far more interested in me if he didn't already have someone named Derrick," he concluded, his mind reading skills on other humans still in top notch form.

"Oh," was all I managed. I guess it was funny, especially from Edward's perspective.

"Don't feel bad, he's a real charmer. He flirts with everyone. He gets girls hitting on him all the time," Edward sounded like he was trying to keep from laughing again.

"I wasn't hitting on him – he winked at me," I said indignantly.

"I know, I didn't mean you, silly Bella. Don't be mad; but I wouldn't mind it if you pouted a little bit because your lips look so luscious when you do," he said soothingly.

I started to pout and when I was sure he was looking I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him quickly. He was surprised, and started laughing again.

"I never know what you're going to do next Bella," he smiled.

"But you liked that, didn't you?" I teased.

"Yes, very much. But you're lucky I went hunting yesterday; when you present those lips like that, with no warning…" his voice trailed off and then his cool lips were pressing against my warm ones. He left me gasping for breath, which was not unusual.

After a few more minutes of delicious kissing, he pulled away and picked up my left hand. He brought it to his lips and kissed it, whispering "Has wearing this ring become a little easier for you?"

"Oh yes, Edward. I love it. I always loved it. I just never imagined I would be wearing a ring like this at my age, but I'm adjusting to that idea. It's so beautiful, and every time I look at it I think of you. Not that I need any reminder; you're pretty much always on my mind," I declared.

He seemed gratified, and said, "I think my little human needs something to eat. Let's check out the snacks," he suggested.

I reluctantly put my feet on the floor and climbed off of him. If I wasn't hungry I would have been happy to stay like that for at least a couple of hours.

We went over to the lovely table in the corner and lifted the lids off the silver dishes. There was a pasta salad with salmon and artichokes, a cold grilled asparagus salad with shaved Parmesan cheese, and lemon curd tarts. "Oh, this looks yummy," I exclaimed.

"You sit down and I'll open the sparkling cider," Edward offered.

I was hungrier than I thought as I dug into the gourmet treats. "It was so thoughtful of you to arrange all this, Edward," I managed to say between bites. "You've outdone yourself," I said gratefully.

This cabin was nicer than Charlie's house and certainly had better furnishings. It was definitely someplace that had earned the Cullen seal of approval. The cost to spend three days here probably exceeded one of Charlie's monthly mortgage payments, but money was meaningless to Edward. He wanted it to be meaningless to me, too. This was a hard concept for me to grasp, I thought as I speared another piece of asparagus.

After a few minutes of listening to the piano music I recognized it as Edward's. "Did you send cds down here, to be playing when we arrived?" I asked in astonishment.

As he finished refilling a crystal goblet with the cider, he nodded. "You know I'm particular about music, and I thought it would be nice to have some cds already here when we arrived." His kindness and consideration never ceased to amaze me. He was always doing something for me. I tried hard not to feel unworthy.

Edward opened the soft curtains framing a set of French doors next to the fireplace. Then he opened the doors and stepped out on a small deck. Instantly the room filled with the sound of songbirds trilling from the branches of the evergreen forest. A magnificent slice of the woods came into my view: huge tree trunks and massive ferns, with patches of daffodils and wildflowers dotting the vista.

I caught a glimpse of something white and ethereal moving in the mist against the deep green of the lush undergrowth. "Edward, is that a unicorn?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes, Bella, it's a unicorn. Beautiful, isn't it?" He paused and then continued, "and that lemon tart you are eating was baked by elves in that hollow tree on the left," he stopped speaking and I could see his shoulders shaking with silent laughter.

"Edward," I exclaimed, jumping up and joining him on the little deck outside.

"No, it's not a unicorn, Bella. It's a fallow deer; it's a non-native species, but they're so striking, from this distance they do look a bit like a unicorn in profile, don't they?" he replied.

"Wow, everything about this place is breathtaking," I mused, as I leaned against the railing and finished my last bite of the buttery lemon tart.

"Seeing you in this place takes my breath away," Edward murmured.

"You are the best fiancé in the world," I gushed, forgiving him for the unicorn remark and feeling that the word fiancé wasn't quite adequate to cover our relationship, and I didn't feel entirely comfortable with that term either.

"Well, since your opinion is based on somewhat limited experience, I don't know how much stock I can put into that…" he teased.

I left the railing and stood to face him. "Listen mister, I don't need to date the rest when I already have the best…" but I didn't get any further because he scooped me up in his arms are started to carry me through the living room and into the bedroom. "Okay, this is good," I said encouragingly.

"Don't get too excited, Bella; it's been a long trip and I think you need a nap."

I pretended to pout, hoping that would get me where I wanted to go.

He did kiss me as he gently put me down on the bed, but it was over all too quickly to suit me. "If you want me to take a nap, you're going to have to cuddle first," I requested.

He picked up the luxurious woven silk throw from the foot of the bed and spread it over me as he sat down next to me. Propped up against numerous pillows, from this position on the large four-poster bed made of logs we could see the fire crackling away in the huge hearth. It was good to hear his familiar piano music wafting softly in the background.

"You know, Edward, I'm not a baby; I don't really need a nap." I had my mind on other things I wanted to do with him in this wonderful bed.

"You got up early this morning, we flew and then drove, and while it wasn't a difficult trip, I still think you would benefit from a nap. I know planning the wedding has been exhausting for you. This weekend is about rest and recuperation."

"I thought this trip was supposed to be a fun celebration for you," I reminded him.

"It is fun for me to watch you sleep." His smile reinforced that statement.

I couldn't argue; I knew how much he enjoyed that. I thought about how I didn't have that much time left to sleep before I would never do it again. He was going to miss this. Maybe I could take a little nap for his sake.

"This might be a good time to check in with Charlie," Edward hinted, bringing out his cell phone.

"You know I'm not a good liar; what should I say?"

"Well, try to keep as close to the truth as possible but be general. Say the trip was easy and the accommodations are comfortable enough. He will just want to know you're having a good time, that will be enough," Edward reassured me.

I gulped and took the phone. He had my home number in first position on his speed dial, and the call went though instantly. I heard Charlie's voice and felt a sudden pang in my heart, as I knew I was about to deceive him. It made me think of the day when I would be changed and have to say goodbye to him forever. That was what I wanted, but it was still painful.

I tried to make my voice sound cheerful, and evidently I was successful, because the call was over fairly quickly, with Charlie seeming to accept my version of our camping trip.

I hung up the phone and handed it back to Edward. He was searching my face and finally said, "What's wrong, Bella?"

"What makes you think some thing's wrong?" I asked defensively.

"Well, I may not be able to read your mind, but I see sadness in your beautiful brown eyes. What am I supposed to think?"

"I'm complicated, Edward. What can I say?"

"Something more than that, please, I'm imagining the worst right now."

"I was thinking about the day when I wouldn't be able to talk to Charlie anymore, all right? It's just hard because although I'm looking forward to that day, it's also going to mean an end to my family, everything . . ." I trailed off. He wanted to know; now I would see how he dealt with it.

"Are you having second thoughts?" Edward asked anxiously, "Because if you are, I will understand."

"Oh, Edward, you are so perfect," I pressed myself against his chest and he put his arms around me and held me tight. "No, I'm not having second thoughts about changing. I want to be with you forever, and I want to belong to you in every way. You know that. Please don't doubt it; but I'm only a weak human and Charlie and Renee have always been there for me. It just seems strange to contemplate my future without them."

He kissed the top of my head and gently massaged the back of my neck with his long, cool fingers. "If you ever change your mind, please tell me right away. Your happiness and safety are always my top priority," he said huskily.

I turned my head to look deeply into his ochre eyes, "Being with you is my top priority," I tried to reassure him. "I've made my choice and I won't change my mind. Please try to have faith in me."

"Bella, you are the moon, the stars, and the sun. You are my whole world. I know that's not right, but I've waited so long to find you, and I tried to resist you, but I just couldn't. There was always something missing, and you are that something."

"Edward, please don't say it's not right. It's not always easy, and it's sometimes painful, but it must be right. I can't imagine my life without you. I've tried, and that just didn't work. I have faith in you," I smiled weakly.

"Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. You're either the most trusting girl in the world or you need your head examined. Perhaps both, I guess they're not mutually exclusive," he smiled grimly before he continued.

"I'm afraid your transition is going to be difficult, but I promise, you will never be alone again. I will always be there for you," he kissed me, his lips moving gently at first and then with more pressure. My heart was skipping unevenly and I was soon gasping for breath.

He released my lips but kept me pressed closely to him. I put my forehead against his neck and his fingertip traced lightly along my collarbone as my breathing became more normal. We lay like that for a long time and he probably thought I had fallen asleep, but I wasn't tired yet. I was too excited about being alone here with him and I had so much on my mind.

I whispered, "What are you thinking about Edward?"

"I thought you were asleep," he said gently. "You want to know what I'm thinking about? I'm focused on the future, and I'm looking right at her." Then he kissed me, hard and fast. Was this a preview of our future? If so, I welcomed it, returning his kiss in the same fashion.

When I caught my breath I said, "I feel so inadequate. I just don't understand what you see in me, Edward." I wasn't fishing for a compliment, I truly couldn't wrap my mind around how someone as incredible as he was ended up with me.

"How can I make you understand what you mean to me? There is no one in the world like you, and there hasn't been for the past century. It pains me to say that in more ways than one, but the joy you bring to me is beyond measure."

He held my wrist up to his face and inhaled deeply and then kissed it before continuing.

"I never thought I would fall in love with a human. I never thought I would fall in love with anyone. I wasn't looking for it. I was surrounded by it at home; happy couples everywhere I looked, and it never really touched me. I could see them, I could hear their thoughts, but I never felt what they felt. And I didn't care. I didn't understand what I was missing. Until I met you."

The look in his eyes was breathtaking; he was so overwhelmingly beautiful.

"When I fell in love with you I knew what it meant to long to be with someone. How your very presence could inspire feelings of joy and how the removal of your presence could bring about feelings of despair. Everything in my existence revolves around you, Bella. When I look into your beautiful, expressive brown eyes I see my whole world."

I was blushing like a stop sign, but I wanted him to do anything but stop. He couldn't read my mind but he seemed to know what I was thinking.

"Bella, before you taught me what it meant to be in love, I was clueless. I thought I was self-contained, complete, above it all. And then I felt emotions that I didn't even know were possible; it was very confusing at first. I puzzled for a long time trying to figure out what those intense feelings meant."

He didn't usually open up to me like this, but whatever the reason, I was grateful for any insight he was willing to offer. His mind was just as much a mystery to me as mine was to him. I smiled encouragingly.

"You are so beautiful. Your lips are so tempting." He reached out and traced my smile. "Everything about you is magnified for me. Superlatives don't do you justice. Maybe the most significant thing you have given me is a highly charged emotional life. I was truly dead inside before I met you. And now, you make me feel so alive, so happy, and so grateful, I can never thank you enough."

He wrapped his arms around me now, holding me even closer. I buried my face in his chest, taking a deep breath and drawing in his powerful, masculine scent. Angela was right, I thought to myself. I was a lucky girl and I did have a guy any girl would envy me for. But how did I do all those things for him? I still didn't understand what he saw in me.

"And soon we will have a highly charged physical life as well." He sounded very pleased about that prospect.

I was glad my face was hidden from his view. I turned a deeper shade of red, although I wanted that too. I wanted it sooner rather than later. I raised my head a bit and pressed my lips against the base of his neck and he loosened his grip on me.

"I said soon, Bella, meaning in the future, not right now." His voice was gentle but firm.

I groaned and placed my forehead against his chest. "I know what you meant. I can't help it if I find you irresistible. After saying all those wonderful things to me I want to cover you with kisses. It's your own fault."

He brought his hand under my chin and forced my head up until I was looking into his eyes. They were blazing with love and desire.

"Believe me, I would like nothing more than to reciprocate. You are the most alluring creature I have ever seen, but you know we are going to wait, and you know why."

"No, I forgot," I lied. Being honest wasn't working so I thought I would give this a try.

He gave a soft chuckle. "You are still a terrible liar, but so adorable." He leaned down and gave me a tender kiss and then held me against his chest again, resting his chin on the top of my head.

It looked like I was going to have to take whatever I could get and I would have to be happy with that for the moment, but I wanted more. With Edward I always wanted more. There was no such thing as getting enough of him.

"Edward," I began cautiously. I had changed my mind about something, and I needed to tell him. But I didn't think it was going to be easy. He had been close to giving me what I had wanted before, but in the last few days since I stopped him he seemed to be more grateful than annoyed. This felt like the perfect time to tell him exactly what I wanted, and see if we could make it happen.

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_T**his seems like the perfect time to review**;_ you know the drill. If you've read this far and you haven't reviewed yet, now is the time. Hit that button and drop me a line. Thanks.

AN: My grateful thanks to _not done baking_ for her superior beta skills. Use the link on my Profile page to see pictures of Manka's Lodge, cabin, and surroundings.


	13. Even If It's Wrong

AN_: I added a link on my Profile page that will take you to photos that illustrate this story. It has interior shots of the Cabin and the Lodge, locations, etc. I will be adding photos as I add chapters. Manka's Lodge is a real place; you should go there sometime._

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_End of Chapter 12:_ "Edward," I began cautiously. I had changed my mind about something, and I needed to tell him, but I didn't think it was going to be easy. He had been close to giving me what I had wanted before, but in the last few days since I stopped him he seemed to be more grateful than annoyed. This felt like the perfect time to tell him exactly what I wanted, and see if we could make it happen.

**Chapter 13: _Even if it's wrong_**

"Yes, Bella, what is it?"

"Well, do you remember the last time we were in our meadow and you put my engagement ring back on my finger?"

"Yes, of course I remember it. Why?" He sounded curious now, and just a bit worried. I felt his body tense just slightly.

"Um, well, you know how you were ready to give me everything I wanted, with no reservations, and I stopped you?" I was devoutly hoping he knew where I was going with this.

"Yes, I remember it well," he said evenly.

Oh, good. He knew what I meant. "Well, I told you I would let you know if I changed my mind and I have changed my mind. I know that makes me sound like I don't know what I want, but that's not it. It's just that I'm so much calmer now. The pressure is finally off and we're all alone; no Charlie, no Alice and the rest of your very close family . . . you know I'm just not used to being in a house with so many people around all the time."

He remained silent. I think he had stopped breathing. I plunged ahead.

"And this place is so perfect, Edward. It's so romantic; the crackling fire, the soft music, the candles, and you've been so thoughtful arranging everything…" I trailed off, suddenly hit with inspiration.

"Edward, if this is all part of a plan of seduction on your part, it's working," I pulled away so I could look into his eyes.

His face was still and I couldn't read the expression in his topaz eyes. "Why don't you say something?" I cried.

"I'm speechless."

"Edward! So I take it this wasn't a planned seduction?" I said with a hint of disappointment in my voice.

"No, Bella, I was just trying to be considerate and provide a weekend of relaxation and fun for you, after the stress we've both been through," he said calmly.

"Okay, well, you have been wonderful, and I do appreciate it. I appreciate it so much I'd like to rethink my previous position," I offered.

"I would not like to revisit that topic, Bella. I think you were very wise and mature in deciding to wait until we were married. This can still be a beautiful, recuperative weekend. As you said, this is the first time we've been on our own, with no family around, and we should take this time to just enjoy being alone together," he said reasonably.

This was driving me mad. I didn't want to be reasonable. I was finally alone with him, we were engaged, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to me. I summoned up all the courage I could to say what was on my mind. I had to make him understand.

"Edward, I want you. I don't want to be wise and mature. I want to be reckless and immature. We're getting married in just a few weeks and we're going to be together forever. That is going to happen. Alice has seen it. But this weekend is unique. It's something special for just the two of us. I think this would be a good time to try again, please?" I tried to say the last part as sweetly as possible, remembering how I had almost won this negotiation before agreeing to marry him.

"What about your mortal soul?" He said flatly.

"Not that again! Edward, you know how I feel about that," I said, exasperated. "Besides, you're just trying to change the subject," I objected.

"It is the subject, Bella."

"Oh, if we're going to go over this ground again, it's just pointless. Can't you listen to your feelings instead of your brain?" I implored him.

"You should be careful about lighting a fire you can't put out," he warned. "If I let my feelings get the better of me it wouldn't be good for you," he sighed.

"I don't believe that. Couldn't we at least try?" I beseeched him.

"I am going to try to keep your virtue intact. Am I going to be working on that all weekend?" he sounded amused.

"Yes, and that's a promise!" I huffed.

"Shall we seal that promise with a kiss?" He still sounded amused.

"You bet," I said as I threw myself into his arms and pressed my lips against his. He returned my kiss with enthusiasm and moved his hand up to caress the back of my neck.

He continued kissing me for several minutes, but in a very casual, leisurely way, as if he had all the time in the world. My pulse quickened and my heartbeat picked up speed, but in a more controlled way than usual. He was making me comfortable and excited at the same time. I was really enjoying this.

I started to hope that despite what he had said, perhaps he had changed his mind, too. I decided to test my new theory. I reached up and slowly started to unbutton his shirt. I felt his cool fingers grasp my hand and lace his fingers with mine. He brought our hands away from his collar. Then he broke our kiss.

"Bella, I am trying to do the honorable thing here."

I groaned.

He continued. "Just being alone here with you, like this, breaks so many rules, and you cannot know how excited it makes me feel. I do not even allow myself to dream of moments like this. Well, I do dream of them, but I know it's wrong."

"Edward, this is not wrong. It's okay for us to be together like this; we're engaged, after all. We love each other, and it's not 1920 anymore."

"I am well aware of that. But as much as I enjoy new technologies, I often feel like I have more in common with Jasper than Emmett, even though I'm closer in age to Emmett."

That reminded me of something.

"I know Jasper must have intense feelings for Alice, but have you noticed he never kisses her when I'm around?"

"It's nothing personal, Bella. Jasper was born in 1843. He was raised to show women respect, as was I, and he would never want to have a public display of affection like that. But believe me, it is a different story when they are alone."

"I'm glad you're not that old fashioned."

His eyes were sparkling and the corners of his mouth were beginning to turn up. "I am almost that old fashioned. But where you are concerned I seem to have thrown all the rules out the window."

"Not quite all." I couldn't help myself from adding that.

"No, not quite all, but so many I have lost count. You have no idea how much you have changed my life. I didn't have a life before you."

"I didn't have a life before you either, Edward." He opened his mouth but before he could speak, I put my finger up to his lips. "I know what you think, but I was there and you weren't. Everyday was pretty much the same. Except for the occasional trip to the emergency room." He smiled.

"As much as I liked the desert sun in Phoenix, I never fit in there. I never got a tan, I didn't have a lot of close friends. I never had real dates. I was close to my Mom, but she has Phil now. She doesn't really need me anymore. And you do need me, don't you?"

He didn't answer immediately. I had been pretty confident of his reply, but it seemed like he didn't want to say it. It didn't take much to make me start to worry.

"Don't you?"

"Yes I do." It sounded like it cost him something to admit that. "But it should not be about my need. Your happiness is what's most important."

"You don't think I need you? You know I couldn't be happy without you."

"When you say something like that it makes me feel alive again." His eyes were gloriously intense as he said this, his voice smoldering.

I felt a thrill go through me. He pulled me to him and crushed me to his chest.

"Whenever you touch me it makes me feel alive, Edward. And I want you to touch every part of me." I knew I was blushing and I couldn't believe I was being so bold, but being with him like this made me feel intoxicated.

"Bella, calm down. I want that too, but we just have to wait a little while longer."

"Why do we have to wait? Men and women sleep together all the time." I couldn't stop blushing now and I gave up trying.

"That doesn't make it right."

"You do know you're in love with a heathen, don't you?"

He laughed. "I think you are confused. You are an angel."

"No, _you_ are confused. You're the angel and I'm the heathen. You were raised properly, and Renee let me grow up with a different belief every other month. None of them really stuck, so I don't have all the spiritual conflicts that you do. So if I'm not concerned, you shouldn't be, either." I thought that was a logical argument he wouldn't be able to refute. Was I ever wrong.

"Bella, your soul is pure, whether you are aware of it or not. You are the innocent angel. You always do things with the purest motive, not selfishly. You radiate kindness. It hurts you to see others in pain, and you do whatever you can to relieve that pain, even if it means you suffer yourself. You are an angel here on earth."

"Edward, no one can live up to that standard. You have got to get me down off that pedestal; I don't want to be above you, I want to be your equal."

He groaned. "I know; that is what I am afraid of. I am afraid for the day you become like me."

"I live for that day. It will be the happiest day of my life. Because then I will be with you forever. And we can really begin our lives together, and share everything."

"Bella, you are romanticizing a horrendous event. It is not romantic; it is violent, painful, and irreversible. I would do anything to spare you from that."

"Well, that's what makes it romantic; that you want to protect me." I smiled. "I know it will be horrible, but you will be with me, and when it is over, I will be with you forever. That's the important part." I had to keep telling myself that; it was too overwhelming to contemplate otherwise.

"This is still so hard for me to accept." I could hear the struggle in his voice and hastened to reassure him.

"It hasn't exactly been easy for me to accept either, but I've been dealing with things way beyond my maturity level for a long time now. I don't have visions like Alice, and I can't read people's minds like you can, but there are certain things I know. I don't know how I know them, but I do know them. And one of those things is that I was meant to be with you and you were meant to be with me."

Then I thought about how I had seen the future with Jake; children, everything. That was something I had known. I had known that it could happen. I could make that happen. But that would mean a life without Edward. And I couldn't accept that. He was my future. I knew that as well as I knew my own name.

I didn't want Edward to ever find out that I had seen an alternative future with Jacob. That would hurt him too much, possibly so much that he would leave me again. I couldn't ever let that happen. He knew I loved Jacob but he didn't know I had let myself be in love with Jake, even if for only a brief time. I didn't want him to ever know that. His velvet voice brought me back to earth.

"I don't deserve you."

"No one deserves to be saddled with me, but you have the honor anyway."

"Silly Bella, you have no idea how much I treasure you."

"Well, why don't you show me?"

"How have I ended up in this position again?"

"I'm craftier than I look, huh?"

"Oh you look plenty crafty," he assured me, but he kissed me anyway. I could never get enough of his kisses. My heart skipped a beat.

Then he moved away from my lips and put his mouth next to my ear. His frosty breath gave me a shiver as he whispered, "That's enough for now, Bella, my sweet. I still think you need a nap before dinner."

He continued to hold me like that, his lips gently pressing against my neck as my pulse slowed and my heart returned to a more normal rhythm.

He began to hum my lullaby and I placed my warm hand on his perfectly chiseled cheek as I felt a wave of relaxation sweep over me. 'Maybe I did need a nap after all,' was the last thing I remember thinking.

When I woke up it was almost dark, with the room being lit by candles and another one of those antique glass world globes, this one black. It made a perfect nightlight, casting the softest glow.

"Did you have a good rest?" my angel asked me, as I turned to look into his butterscotch eyes.

"Oh yes, I'm so relaxed now. I could stay like this forever," I said as I looked at him hopefully.

"You'll be hungry soon enough," he assured me.

"I'm already hungry -- for you." I was feeling so good I decided to press my luck and continue the conversation we had before my nap.

He groaned.

"You know how you have a need for speed?" I asked, trying to make him understand.

He looked at me with one eyebrow raised.

"In the car, running through the forest, waiting for me to get to the point?"

"Ah, yes. I see," he acknowledged. "I do like to go fast."

"Well, there's always been one area where I have wanted to go faster than you." I hoped he knew what I meant.

"What area would that be, Bella?"

"You're going to make me say it, aren't you?" My lips were pressed together, hard.

"You brought it up," he gently reminded me.

I decided I needed some ammunition to drive home my point of view. "Okay, do you remember our first night in Port Angeles?"

"Yes. Like it was yesterday," he replied smoothly.

"So do I. Do you remember the last thing you said to me when you dropped me off at home?"

"The last thing? After I asked you not to go into the woods alone?"

He did remember. I don't know why I was surprised. It must have been etched in his memory just as it was in mine. I nodded.

"I said 'sleep well.' Did you?" he smiled.

"Well you should know, weren't you watching me that night?" I retorted.

"You did a little sleep talking," he admitted.

"Well what you couldn't know was what I was thinking before I fell asleep."

He slightly raised his eyebrows and leaned closer to me. This had him interested. He always wanted to know what I was thinking. "Are you going to tell me now?"

"Yes. You had confirmed that you were a vampire. I knew you were thirsting after my blood. And my last thought before I fell asleep was that I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with you."

He took my face in his large white hands and slowly leaned in to kiss me. It was a gentle, sweet kiss and when it was over he didn't remove his lips from my skin, merely kissing his way across my face and down my neck to where he rested his lips at the hollow of my throat.

"I still can't believe we've come so far," he breathed. "Loving you is better than anything I ever imagined."

"Edward, you make me feel so guilty for wanting even more," I whispered. "But that's the part I was talking about when I said I wanted to go faster. That first night you dropped me off; when you leaned over and said 'sleep well,' I had hoped you were going to kiss me."

He laughed softly and raised his head to gaze into my eyes. "I would have liked to, but I was afraid. Being with you is so much easier now, but that night, your scent was already driving me wild. And I thought I could tell how you felt; that you wouldn't reject a kiss if I tried, but I wasn't sure and I didn't want to frighten you. I was convinced you would run away screaming at any moment."

"I wanted you to kiss me. It was all I could do to not launch myself at you, but I wasn't sure how you would respond. I wouldn't have been frightened if you had kissed me, Edward," I vowed.

"You should have been."

"I realize that now; but I had just learned that you wanted to drink my blood and I didn't care. I was longing for you to kiss me. I wanted to know what your lips felt like when they met mine."

He shook his head. "You are amazing. I still wasn't sure if being near me at all was the right path for you. But I tried, and I just couldn't stay away from you. I figured I was already going to hell and I might as well enjoy the trip," he sighed.

I laughed. "You think too much. That's my point. Let your body be in charge, instead of your mind," I encouraged.

"Bella, if I did that you would have been dead a long time ago," he said, exasperated.

"I don't believe that. You're much stronger than you think," I told him.

"I'm not going to put that to the test," he said with finality.

I made a snap decision to go with Plan B.

"Edward, I've been trying to think of a way to put this so you could understand what I'm getting at… and I came up with something that might help. Because we've always been so careful, I'm a little concerned that on our wedding night we'll hit the accelerator too hard. In trying to go from zero to 60 in three seconds flat… well, that might cause some problems."

He raised an eyebrow and chuckled. "I hope we're going to last a bit longer than three seconds, Bella."

I laughed. He was taking this part better than I expected. "Yes, of course. But you know what I mean. Maybe we should try shifting from first gear into second, just to see how we handle it. Couldn't we use this weekend to expand our boundaries just a little? In the name of leading up to the wedding night?"

"Just being here with you like this is an expansion of our boundaries, but I see what you're getting at. Perhaps there is some merit in what you propose," he said, evidently giving my suggestion some consideration.

"Really? I know we still need to be careful, but I think it could be very valuable to expand our range of…" my voice trailed off. What exactly was I trying to say?

"Sensory overload?" he suggested.

"Oh I always have sensory overload when I'm with you."

"Yes, I experience that, too. That's why I think maybe we should explore our limits a bit. It might be very good for me to discover gradually just how far I can go with you before it becomes too much. The wedding night would not be the best time to discover something like that."

"How do you want to begin? How far can we go?" I couldn't contain my excitement.

"I don't know the answer to either of those questions, but I know we can't go too far too fast," he said in a level tone of voice. Evidently he could contain his excitement. Stupid inhuman fiancé.

"I think once I get started I'm not going to want to stop, Edward," I said, finding honesty was no deterrent to blushing.

"Well, why don't you behave naturally, and when I think it's too much, I'll tell you?"

"That doesn't exactly sound like it's going to be fun for me," I said, unable to conceal my skepticism.

"Perhaps not, but we can't really have it the other way around. I am not the one whose life is in danger by being with you. I have to draw the line when I need to, to protect you. And of course, if at any time you want me to stop, please say so."

Right-- like I was going to tell him to stop. I was having a hard time imagining that now. I knew I had stopped him in the meadow, but I had been overwhelmed by everything that we had just been through then. I was beyond that now and I wanted to feel his arms around me. I needed to be close to him. I didn't think it was going to be possible to get too close to Edward.

"All right, we have a deal. Can we implement this new plan now?"

"What did you have in mind?" He finally sounded like the eager participant I had hoped for earlier.

This was one time when I wished he could read my mind; I still had trouble putting these things into words. I gazed up into his eyes and saw nothing but love. I reached my hand up and placed my palm against his smooth cheek. He leaned down and brought his lips to hover over mine.

"You are a temptress, you know that, don't you?"

"And you are a tease," I replied, the anticipation of him closing the gap between us making the butterflies in my stomach flutter wildly.

When his lips touched mine I felt a spark that went from my head to my toes. I reached around and wound my fingers in his silky hair, tugging him closer. His lips moved against mine hungrily. I inhaled his sweet scent and pressed my curves against his hard chest. His hand ran up my back and he held me even closer as our kiss deepened. I felt his icy tongue slide across my bottom lip and I shivered and gasped.

My heart was pounding and when I began to get dizzy he released me and pulled back enough for me to see the golden light in his eyes before he buried his head in my dark hair. We lay in each other's arms like that for a long time, both warm and happy. What a delicious kiss to inaugurate our new found partnership.

Finally he whispered, "Hungry yet?"

I had to admit I was beginning to get hungry. With his acceptance of the new plan to explore the limits of our physical relationship, I looked forward to how we would spend our evening after dinner.

I nodded in assent and was rewarded with another dazzling smile followed by another impressive kiss.

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_**This seems like the perfect time to review, or choose the Story Alert option so you get an email next time I post a chapter. And thanks to everyone who has added this to their list of Favorite Stories... that's so cool!**  
_

AN: My grateful thanks to _not done baking_ for her fantastic beta skills. Use the link on my Profile page to see pictures of Manka's Lodge, cabin, and surroundings.

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	14. The Way You Look Tonight

_AN: This is the last time I ever say I'll post on a certain day, so enjoy it. The site wouldn't let me upload all day!_ Our couple is about to go to dinner, so I recommend you have a snack before you read this. Seriously. I added a link on my Profile page that will take you to photos that illustrate this story. It has interior shots of the Cabin and the Lodge, locations, etc. I will be adding photos as I add chapters. Manka's Lodge is a real place; you should go there sometime.

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_End of Chapter 13:_ Finally he whispered, "Hungry yet?"

I had to admit I was beginning to get hungry. And with his acceptance of the new plan to explore the limits of our physical relationship, I looked forward to how we would spend our evening after dinner.

I nodded in assent and was rewarded with another dazzling smile followed by another impressive kiss.

Chapter 14: The Way You Look Tonight 

"Good. I don't want you to miss the dining room experience here. The chefs are spectacular; they're rated in the top 50 of the United States."

"I believe it, judging from lunch this afternoon," I enthused.

"The chefs are actually the current owners of the Lodge. Their story is indicative of the kind of people they are. Manka was a lovely young Chekoslovakian woman when Carlisle first came here in 1921. She ran the place for many decades, and when she became ill, Margaret, one of the chefs, bought the Lodge and let Manka stay in her old room upstairs above the dining room."

"Well that was nice of her," I remarked.

"Yes, Margaret is special. Evidently Manka had no family left, so Margaret nursed her and paid for all her medical treatment. She made her as comfortable as she could, until she died. Carlisle was staying here then and told me all about it. He has a great deal of respect for Margaret, who is also a doctor."

"She's a chef and a doctor? Is she a vampire, too?" I asked, ready to believe anything in this enchanted place.

"Not that I know of… but she could be some kind of magical creature. You'll see," he said as he released me and got up, heading for the closet. He opened the door and said, "Choose something to wear to dinner and then we'll go up to the Lodge." He removed a hanger with a jacket and pair of pants hanging on it and went into the living room.

He had unpacked our bags while I was asleep, and I followed him over to the large walk-in closet to see what Alice had selected for me. Going along with her surprise wardrobe choices was part of my birthday gift to Edward, so I steeled myself to expect the worst and wear it with a smile.

I suddenly remembered something funny that Edward had whispered to me in the cafeteria just before graduation. Our attention had been attracted by overly loud laughter coming from Jessica's table. Lauren had turned an enormous smile on Tyler. Edward looked disgusted and said so only I could hear, "I've lived in houses with less closet space." Lauren did have a big mouth.

Laughing again I looked through a series of fabric garment bags, each one labeled with a tag suggesting day and time. I took the one that said "Friday night," out of the closet and laid it on the bed.

"Wow, this is beautiful," I breathed as I took a light blue, sleeveless dress off the hanger. It was semi-sheer silk, with a matching blue lining. It had thin straps and a gathered seam at the empire waist, looking casual yet elegant at the same time. I looked at the label: Citron, Santa Monica.

Where does Alice find this stuff, I wondered as I slipped it on. I noticed a pair of matching blue ballerina flats on the floor of the closet, and I silently sent Alice a big thank you for not packing high heels for me to wear in the wilderness.

I dashed into the bathroom and brushed my hair. I thought about doing something special with it, and looked into the cosmetic bag Alice had packed for me. Everything I would need was in there, including a new toothbrush. I would have to do something extra special for her when we got back home.

I found a small satin pouch with a large pair of bobby pins embellished with blue rhinestone dragonflies in it. I quickly brushed my hair away from my face and secured it on each side with one of the pins.

I looked in the mirror and saw that with my hair cascading down on either side of my neck it gave the impression of a long, white column. At least visually, Alice was making my transformation into an elegant and suitable companion for Edward almost painless. I hoped I could count on her when the big change happened.

Edward was gazing out the French doors in the living room when I came to find him. He had changed into a tan hunting jacket, the kind with suede patches on the elbows. He was the embodiment of masculine grace. His pale blue V-neck sweater showed a tantalizing glimpse of his chest. He turned when he heard me come into the room and I saw his eyes flicker in appreciation.

"You look stunning, Bella. Remind me to breathe," he said with pleasure in his voice. "I'll have to do something special for Alice when we get back home."

I started laughing and said, "Maybe you _can_ read my mind, I just had that exact same thought."

As we headed for the door he picked me up in his arms and when I started to protest, he said firmly, "It's almost dark, and no one can see us from the Lodge anyway. I'm not letting you try to walk up and down those stone steps in the dark, even if there is almost a full moon. I'll put you down when we get to the front door and not a moment before."

I could tell that was final and there was no point in arguing with him anyway; when he's right, he's right. One slip and I would probably break my leg.

He stepped out on the porch and closed the door. Massive green branches from the Redwood trees hung low, as if sheltering the cabin from any harm.

It was twilight and the sky was fading to dark. Edward's favorite time; the easiest part of the day for him. The air was swirling with mist as he started up the mossy stone steps. I snuggled into his chest and decided to enjoy being in his arms.

As we approached the front door of the Lodge he set me down and kissed the top of my head. I kept my arms around his neck and refused to let go until I got a real kiss. He complied with enthusiasm and I had to clutch at his jacket to keep from losing my balance.

"Do I need to pick you up again?" Edward asked with amusement.

"No, just give me a moment," I said as I took a deep breath and felt my heart returning to a steady rhythm.

He chuckled quietly.

"You're really enjoying this, aren't you?" I accused.

"You look exceptionally lovely in this light and I always enjoy kissing you, Bella," he said smoothly.

"You know that's not what I meant."

"I think you're lightheaded because you're hungry," he teased. "I'm sure it couldn't have anything to do with me."

"Right; because we both know you have absolutely no effect on me."

The crooked smile made an appearance on his beautiful face. "Come along love, time for dinner," he said, taking my hand and propelling me into the parlor.

Hickory smoke greeted us like an old friend, and across the room I noticed a handsome man clad in black placing some sort of meat on a grill in the large fireplace. His long dark hair hung down his back in a smooth ponytail that snaked out from under a dark blue bandana.

"That's Chef Daniel," said a voice from behind us. We turned and looked at a pretty woman in a simple black suit with caramel colored hair softly framing her face. "He's grilling duck for the salad tonight. Will you be having dinner with us this evening?" she asked.

"Yes, we have reservations, the name is Cullen," Edward said.

"Oh Mr. Cullen, what a pleasure to meet you in person. My name is Sally, I'm the Lodgekeeper, and we spoke on the phone about your special arrangements. I hope everything has been to your liking so far?" she inquired, her smile reflected in her warm blue eyes.

"Everything has been wonderful. We're looking forward to dinner," Edward replied.

"Would you like to sit in front of the fire and have something to drink before I show you to your table?" she asked. Edward looked at me and I nodded yes.

"We make a delicious lemonade with organic Meyer lemons or would you like a glass of wine?" She offered.

"Lemonade sounds great," I said.

Edward nodded at Sally and she started off towards the kitchen as we sat down on the comfortable red and black cushion-covered Mission oak sofa and watched the logs snap and pop in the fireplace.

She returned almost immediately with two glasses on an antique wicker tray inlaid with real butterflies. It was beautiful and I had never seen anything like it before.

As she handed us the drinks I said, "What a lovely tray. Is it old?"

"Yes, it's almost a hundred years old but still in wonderful condition. They don't make things like this anymore," Sally replied.

I exchanged a glance with Edward and his ochre eyes were bright and shining.

"I'm so sorry you had to arrive in the rain. It's supposed to rain off and on all weekend. We have a wedding on Sunday at one of our waterfront properties and it's such an ordeal to put up the tent. For the bride's sake I hope the sun comes out."

For our sake I hoped it didn't. Although being trapped in our cabin all day would not exactly be torture.

"Would you like to hear about tonight's menu?" Sally inquired.

I nodded yes and she continued, "Everything is fresh and organic, and it's either farmed, fished, or foraged within fifteen minutes of the Lodge. Tonight's entree is venison. Please relax and I'll be right back," she said as she went to answer the large old-fashioned black phone, ringing at the reservation desk.

"Manka's, how may I help you?" She paused. "No, no abalone tonight, but Luke is going diving on Sunday, so we should have some for Sunday supper. Okay, see you then," Sally hung up the phone and went back to the kitchen.

Edward put his arm around my shoulder and I leaned against him, sipping my lemonade. "Was that butterfly tray here the first time you were here?" I had to ask.

"I think so. Many of the furnishings are exactly the same, from what I remember. This sofa, for example. That buffalo blanket next to you; they used to be called lap robes and you needed one in the back of a carriage or sleigh. But it's also more of a feeling about the place. As if they've just ignored the passage of time," he observed.

Sally returned carrying a pitcher of lemonade and set it down on the table next to us.

"That's a beautiful piano, is it an antique?" I asked her.

"I'm not sure of it's age, but it's been here longer than I have," she smiled. "Do you play?"

"Oh no, but Edward does," I said, glancing at him.

"We would love it if you played something for us Mr. Cullen. Please feel free to treat this place as if it were your home," she added graciously.

Edward looked at me and I was giving him the pleading look, so he reluctantly went over and sat down at the piano. He started playing a smoky jazz version of _Body and Soul_, and I recognized it from a Diana Krall CD that we had listened to on a drive to Port Angeles once.

At that time I had told him the song reminded me of the two of us, because I wanted him body and soul. He had just smiled and squeezed my hand. But his playing it now made me realize he had been paying attention that day in the car and he felt the same way. Sometimes my heart felt so full with love for him I wasn't sure it could be contained in my body.

As he finished the song I noticed Sally rubbing the sleeve of her jacket and she remarked, "That was so beautiful it gave me goose bumps," as she returned to the kitchen.

Out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw a couple of heads ducking out of the way of the swinging doors.

As he began to play the first chords of my favorite Gavin DeGraw song I went across the room and sat on the piano bench next to him. Looking into my eyes he sang softly, so only I could hear,

_Look in my eyes, what do you see? _

Not just the color, look inside of me   
Tell me your need and I will try, I will try   
I'm going to love you more than anyone 

_I'm going to hold you closer than before_

_And when I kiss your soul, your body will be free, _

_I'll be free for you anytime, I'm going to love you more than anyone_

As he continued to play the melody I said, "Do you have any idea how special you are?" the hint of tears glistening in my eyes.

He stopped playing immediately and put his arms around me. I melted into his chest and he dropped his head into my neck. We clung to each other like we were the only two people in the world. I could have stayed like that, in this magical place, forever.

I'm not sure how much time passed but all too soon Sally reappeared carrying a square silver dish full of what looked to be doughnut holes. "I hate to disturb you two, but Chef says these cheese puffs must be eaten while hot. Please enjoy, and I'll see if your table is ready."

Edward raised his head we both looked at the dish Sally left. They looked irresistible. I picked one up and it was piping hot and light as air. It had large grains of sea salt clinging to its golden exterior and I cautiously took a bite. A buttery mix of creamy cheese and hot dough melted in my mouth.

"Oh Edward, this is fantastic," I exclaimed. "I've never had anything like it."

"Good. I want you to taste everything and experience as many things as possible. Do you want to have wine with dinner?" he asked.

"Edward, you know I'm not old enough to drink legally," I said, thoughtfully chewing another cheese puff, the salt exploding on my tongue, surprised that he would even make that suggestion.

"Well it's not like you're going to drive anywhere. One glass of wine with dinner wouldn't hurt you, and you could taste what it's like," he explained. "I'm not suggesting you drink a whole bottle," he added when he saw the look on my face.

"I'll think about it," I said, popping another tasty morsel in my mouth. Then Sally returned and started leading us to our table in the dining room.

Just beyond the fireplace I noticed a door with the words: _Necessary Room_ hand-painted on it. I shot Edward a quizzical look and pointed at the door. He whispered in my ear, "For when you need a human moment." I blushed and he smiled, his eyes dancing.

Candlelight enveloped the dining room in a warm amber glow. The tables were full of mostly couples, already happily eating and drinking. It looked like we were the last to arrive. There were several bottles of champagne in large, gleaming silver ice buckets on the white linen-covered tables.

Groupings of deer antlers made an impressive sculptural display on one wall. A feeling of harmony radiated throughout this charming and unusual place. Thankfully, this was not at all like the Lodge Charlie had taken me to for graduation day dinner.

Sally showed us to the last empty booth and said, "We've saved the best table in the house for you, please enjoy your meal."

I wondered how much extra Edward had paid to have the best table reserved for us. For me, really, because I knew he wasn't going to be eating any of the specialties of the house. I felt guilty about how much all this was costing, but I knew he didn't feel the same way about money that I did. Would I ever come around to his way of thinking?

We sat down opposite each other and I noticed that the walls were a warm cream color, and quotations had been painted on them in tan lettering so the effect was subtle. "If music be the food of love, play on," I read aloud.

"Shakespeare," Edward correctly identified.

"I know that; and it's painted on the wall behind you," I pointed.

"I can think of another bit of Shakespeare that's appropriate," he said smoothly.

"Tell me, oh well-read one," I joked.

"My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep. The move I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite."

"That's lovely, Edward, but I thought you didn't like Romeo and Juliet."

"It has a few good bits." He turned and looked around the room, spotted another saying painted on the wall and read, "Dinner is like love; it should be entered into with abandon or not at all."

"I think that's the philosophy of this whole place; enter with abandon or not at all. I love it here," I affirmed.

"You are so beautiful with the candlelight dancing on your hair, your eyes sparkling and your skin so creamy, your lips so tempting…" Edward said softly.

I felt the color flush across my cheeks and said, "Edward, are you trying to make me blush?"

"I hardly have to try, Bella. Your emotions are always so close to the surface. Maybe that's why your thoughts are so deeply concealed," he said thoughtfully, as he reached across the table and intertwined his fingers with mine. We gazed into each other's eyes and didn't need to speak to know what we were both thinking.

Just then a tall, blonde, good looking young man arrived and introduced himself as our waiter, Derrick. Edward and I exchanged glances and I raised an eyebrow; was this Bradley's Derrick? Edward casually nodded, so only I would notice. He smiled with his eyes and I suppressed a giggle. This communicating without words thing could be fun.

Derrick handed us a prix fixe menu card printed in an unusual old-fashioned looking typeface. This wasn't the kind of menu where you looked down a list and made your choice. The choice was already made for you, as Sally had explained to us when we arrived, and it would all be fresh, local and organic.

I read the items and noted that most of them would be a first for me. When I looked up, the Sommelier had arrived. This wine expert was also tall and blonde, with a well-trimmed beard. Edward asked him if he could recommend a wine for someone with an inexperienced palate to try, gesturing towards me.

Wine guy took one look at me and I didn't need to be a mind reader to tell that he knew I wasn't 21 years old.

"If I might make another suggestion the young lady would enjoy? We have a very special non-alcoholic wine, made from either chardonnay or pinot noir grapes at Navarro Vineyard in Sonoma. It's delicious and many of our guests who are driving back into San Francisco after dinner find it a delightful substitute for wine."

"That sounds good," I agreed.

"Bring us a bottle of each," Edward requested.

"Very good, sir," wine guy said, hurrying off towards the wine cellar.

I smiled at Edward and said, "Remind me to ask Sally if it's a prerequisite that you have to be tall and handsome to work here. If so, you might find a new career path," I joked.

"I am not sure I like you noticing handsome men, Bella. Are you trying to make me jealous?" Fortunately there was a teasing note in his voice.

I squeezed his hand. "As if you have anything to worry about. I'm not blind, Edward, but you know that no one compares to you. Not even close; you're everything to me."

"If you keep saying things like that we are not going to make it through dinner," he warned.

I could only hope.

Just then wine guy returned with our chilled bottles of what turned out to be very fancy grape juice, and poured us each a glass of the red and the white. I tasted each and couldn't decide which was better, since they were both delicious.

Dinner started with a mussel soup made with leeks and wild onions, bits of tomato and a wonderful aromatic broth. "This is truly delicious, and I'm not even a fan of mussels," I exclaimed. "I think this is the best soup I ever tasted."

A plate of the most heavenly dinner rolls was brought to our table and they were so light and yeasty. "These rolls taste like Thanksgiving to me; fantastic," I declared. When I finished my soup Edward swiftly exchanged our bowls and I ate more than half of his, too.

"Perhaps we can ask them to give us a bucket of soup to take back to the Cabin, in case you need a midnight snack," Edward said with a perfectly straight face. I stuck my tongue out at him but he just laughed. He seemed more relaxed than I had seen him in a long time.

Then came a smoked crab that had some spicy rub on the outside that of course got all over my hands when I tried to extricate it from the shell. Pretty soon I was licking my fingers. I glanced at Edward and he seemed to be mesmerized by my hand movements. "I'm going to need a bath when I finish this crab," I noted.

"I think that can be arranged," Edward smiled.

I noticed although he wasn't eating his crab, he had also removed it from its shell and his hand was also covered with the spicy rub. Impulsively I grabbed his hand and brought it to my lips. "This tastes so good, I don't want to leave any of it," I said, as I licked along the top of his index finger. The rub, mixed with his sweet essence was a true taste treat.

He shuddered and closed his eyes. I slid his finger into my mouth and swirled my tongue around. His eyes flew open and he quickly withdrew his hand.

Just then Derrick arrived with a dish of hot damp towels. Perfect timing.

As I was cleaning my hands, the large pale yellow dog, Louie, wandered into the dining room. He was so tall when he was standing that his head was above the height of the table. He looked completely at home. He gazed at us for a moment and then planted himself at Edward's feet. I glanced at Edward and said, "Isn't it a bit unusual to find a dog in a restaurant?"

"It's a bit unusual to find a dog that large anywhere, outside of La Push," he observed.

My eyes widened at the mention of wolf territory. I tried to calm myself, thinking he must be feeling confident if he can make a joke like that. I smiled.

"If we were in France it wouldn't be unusual at all," Edward continued. "They are crazy about their dogs. They take them everywhere. I would love to show you to Paris. It's a beautiful city."

"Maybe that could be our next trip," I suggested. "For the honeymoon? Or has Alice already planned that, too?"

Before Edward could answer, Derrick arrived with a small salad of watercress and sliced duck breast that proved to be a real taste treat. When I finished mine I looked over at Edward's plate, but his duck was gone.

I looked at the menu card, which announced that our next course would be a _Cloud of Inverness Apples_. I asked Edward if he had any clue as to what that was actually going to be, but he just said I was asking the wrong person about food.

"I do remember that apples were my favorite fruit as a boy; my mother gave me one every day at lunch. I can remember biting into the crisp flesh and the juice running down my chin. It is one of the few food memories I have."

I felt my heart constrict at his words. He didn't sound sad, but I knew thinking about his boyhood had to cause him some measure of pain, knowing he was never going to physically get any older than seventeen. And knowing that soon I wouldn't age anymore, either. I suspected that's what all this exotic food was about. Packing as many tastes into the time I had left. I wondered if I would even remember this dinner in six months. I just couldn't think about that now.

When the mysterious apples arrived they turned out to be an indescribably delicious airy concoction somewhat akin to a sherbet and a pudding combined. It was not ice cream, but it was heavenly; maybe that's where the Cloud part came from. I finished the last bite and set down my spoon.

It seemed like a good time for a human moment. "I'm going to check out the Necessary Room."

Edward's reply was instant. "I'll go with you."

My eyebrows flew up involuntarily and I leaned back against the booth. "You don't need a human moment, do you?" I was curious; what was he up to?

"It's almost impossible for me to tune out everyone in this dining room, although I have been doing a fairly good job of it. Except when the women come out of the Necessary Room. Their thoughts are so… vibrant, shall we say, that they are hard to ignore. I just think it might be a good idea for me to come with you."

He had me wondering. We got up and made our way through the dining room towards the now mysterious room. I just had to ask, "Won't it seem odd if we go in there together?"

"No, not odd. Just open the door, you'll see." He smiled mysteriously.

I put my hand on the knob with trepidation now, and slowly the door swung open. The light was very dim as we stepped into a small room with dark wood paneling on the walls and a built in window seat on the left beyond the door. It was like a little waiting room, with soft, dark striped velvet covering the window seat. The room was situated directly behind the massive fireplace in the parlor and it was warm and close.

I stepped into the room with Edward right behind me and I heard him close the door. I looked around and my eyes fell on a large, hairy tarantula. I gasped and my heart beat wildly. I reached out to grab his arm, but then my eyes became more adjusted to the muted light and I could see that it was a specimen mounted in a glass shadow box on the wall. I laughed nervously and turned to look up at him.

Edward's teeth gleamed in the dim light. Now I understood why he had insisted on coming with me. He was getting a big kick out of seeing me scared. I felt my temper rising.

"Is something wrong, Bella?"

"Very funny, Edward." I was angry now and clenched my fists. "You could have warned me."

He didn't seem nearly as afraid of me as he should. He merely said, "Watch out for the bat behind you."

"You're quite the comedian. Isn't it a little late for that now?" I said as I turned on my heel to open the door on the right, leading the room set aside for true necessities.

But I stopped short, as there _was _a bat dangling from the ceiling next to the other door. I was startled and took a step backwards, falling right into Edward's waiting arms.

I could feel him suppressing a laugh and that made me even madder. "Now I suppose you're going to tell me there's a vampire on the other side of that door," I said tauntingly, pointing to the closed door I was about to open.

The smile disappeared from his face. I felt myself being spun around and placed on the window seat. "You seem to be a bit confused, Bella. There's a vampire in this very room with you now," he whispered softly. Then he turned and opened the door himself.

He stepped into the small room and surveyed every corner. From where I was sitting I could see the room was the exact opposite of the one I was in. The walls were a warm, creamy white and there was a small wicker table holding a large silver vase full of a variety of delicately scented white flowers.

An old-fashioned white porcelain sink held gleaming white candles behind the faucets, and there was a big stack of white hand towels next to the sink. The floor was made up of shimmering black and white glass tiles patterned after the Fibonacci sequence.

A large beveled mirror over the sink reflected the small luminous room. It was as inviting as could be, quite a contrast from the spooky one I was sitting in. Just watching him inspect the room to make sure it was safe for me made all my anger evaporate.

He walked back to me and said, "It seems to be unoccupied. But there will be a vampire waiting out here for you."

I had to smile. "I hope so. I don't like to leave home without one." He pulled me up and into his arms, crushing me against him. I inhaled deeply, never tiring of his unique masculine scent.

"Hurry back," he said, lightly kissing my forehead and letting me go.

I stumbled toward the light, crossed the threshold and closed the door. I stood there for a moment, leaning against it and catching my breath. Edward could make even a mundane trip to the bathroom into an event. I never had to worry about being bored with him around. Lots of other things, but never bored.

This was a most unusual hotel. I had never seen anything like this Necessary Room and wondered if it was unique to this place. That little dark, atmospheric room gave me the shivers but the one I was in now was beautiful and relaxing.

I finished drying my hands on a thick, white hand towel and took a quick look in the mirror. The blue dragonflies in my hair sparkled in the candlelight and my hair did look good for once. Alice had chosen such a beautiful and comfortable dress, and it did fit well, making me look better than one of my baggy tee shirts. And Edward was being so attentive and affectionate, even if he couldn't resist teasing me. I was one lucky girl.

When I opened the door again Edward was lounging on the window seat, a shaft of moonlight illuminating his pale skin and strikingly beautiful features. There was an otherworldly glow about him that did not come entirely from the moonlight. For a moment, in that otherwise dark little chamber, he did look like a fabled creature of the night. I couldn't help it; my breath hitched in my chest as I shut the door behind me.

He instantly sprang up and reached out for my hands. "Is everything okay?" he asked, full of concern.

I smiled weakly. Sometimes Edward's beauty was overwhelming. Being in this spooky little chamber even enhanced his appeal. Clearly something about his dark nature attracted me.

Suddenly, alone with him in this place, illuminated only by moonlight, I became even more aware of what he really was, and I again realized that it didn't matter. I felt the final days of my life rushing by me like a freight train and that excited me. Soon I would belong to Edward forever and he would be all mine. My dreams were finally going to come true.

"Yes, Edward, everything is wonderful. The only way it could get better right now would be if you kissed me."

He wasted no time in capturing my lips and enveloping me in a tender embrace. It was a good thing he had his arms around me because my heart was racing and my knees were so wobbly I wasn't sure how much longer I would be standing on my own. Seeming to sense the effect he had on me, he scooped me up and sat down, placing me on his lap.

I rested my head against his shoulder and clutched the lapel of his jacket.

"You are so exquisite, Bella." He brushed my cheek with the back of his hand and then skimmed my jaw line with his nose, kissing my neck just below my ear. I felt his cool hand grasp my ankle and start to slide up to my knee. He rested it there for a moment and then his fingertips caressed the soft flesh behind my knee. If this was his way of exploring our new boundaries I was going to enjoy every second of it.

I ran my fingers through his unruly locks and he brought his face up level with mine. His eyes were blazing with desire. I gasped and quickly my lips found his again. This time I felt his tongue trace my lips and I eagerly parted them, but he pulled back and smiled.

"We have to stop now if we're ever going to get back to dinner," he said smoothly. I thought I detected a hint of regret in his velvet voice, but I couldn't be sure. Perhaps I was just projecting my feelings onto him.

"I'm not that hungry anymore," I protested, not wanting to break the spell.

He gave me a look that clearly said he didn't believe me, and then he removed his hand from my leg and smoothed the fabric of my skirt. "You are especially beautiful tonight, Bella. I love to see you happy."

I sighed; I loved to see him happy, too, although he was always beautiful, even when he was glowering. As my heartbeat began to go back to normal I had a thought. "Do lots of couples visit the Necessary Room together?"

"More than you would imagine. There's something about the atmosphere in this dark little room that stimulates a certain response in women."

"Yeah, I get that. The whole Lodge just oozes that atmosphere."

"A lot of marriage proposals have taken place here. Well, not in this exact spot, but in the Lodge." He smiled. "Ready to resume dinner?"

"If I must." As I stood up to leave I took one last look around and thought this was one human moment I would always remember. But then we were creating so many magical moments this weekend. I hoped they would never end, and with Edward beside me, I was fairly confident that would hold true.

When we took our places back in the dining room, Derrick brought out a tray with two large covered silver dishes. He placed them before us and said, "We're known for our exotic game meats and Chef Daniel decided to make something special you this evening, off menu."

Lifting the lid off my dish he said with a flourish, "Fillet of unicorn."

I looked down and saw what looked like a normal grilled steak with puff pastry baked into the shape of a horn on top of it.

I glanced at Edward and his eyes were brimming with laughter. "Very amusing, Edward." He was softly chuckling behind his linen napkin.

Turned out the 'unicorn' was venison, and it was perfectly cooked and accompanied by creamy mashed potatoes and roasted beets. I had never tasted deer before and it was surprisingly good.

I couldn't help but think about how deer would probably become a staple of my diet in the not too distant future. But it wouldn't be grilled to perfection as this one was. With time speeding by I tried hard to concentrate on being in the moment and not thinking about the future. This moment was pretty good and I should just appreciate it.

I notice that Louie's large form was still settled on the floor next to our table. I was enjoying everything; being with Edward, the delicious unusual food, the candlelight, the ambience, even the huge dog at our feet somehow seemed just right.

When I had nearly cleaned my plate I looked at Edward's and noticed his was almost empty too, with just a few beets left on it. I had seen him slicing his venison; what did he do with it? He was going have to tell me one day soon, for my own protection.

Derrick returned to clear our plates and I enjoyed some more of the red grape juice. Louie stood up, stretched, wagged his tail, turned around and sauntered back into the parlor.

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_Hungry yet? Don't worry, dessert is on the way in the next chapter. _You could leave me some sugar by clicking on that button on the left and writing a review. Or choose the Story Alert option so you get an email next time I post a chapter. _And thanks to everyone who has added this to their list of Favorite Stories... that's so cool!_

AN: My beta, _not done baking_is the best. She's written some very good stories too; you should check her out. And go hit that link on my Profile page to see pictures of the delicious cheese puffs, Manka's Lodge, cabin, and surroundings. It's magical.


	15. Tempt Not a Desperate Man

AN: To borrow Edward's phraseology, this chapter has nearly been the death of me. I had to use _Edward's Uploading Solution,_ which, if you are unfamiliar, is on my list of Favorite Stories, to get this online. The frustration I have felt is somewhat akin to Bella's. So let's see if she finally gets to have her lemon cake and eat it too, or if Edward remains the ever-virtuous stud we all know and want to shake some sense into. Dessert is on the way, so fortify yourself with cookies and start reading. It's still Friday night and they recently returned from a fun trip to the Necessary Room. **_Things forbidden have a secret charm… _**

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**Chapter 15: _Tempt Not a Desperate Man_**

A slim elfin woman dressed in black with a thick mane of burnished auburn hair tucked up under a chef's cap came out of the swinging kitchen doors. This was the fabled Margaret. She headed for our table, carrying a tray filled with delectable desserts.

Her voice was a seductive purr as she said, "Sally told me where you two were sitting and I had to come out to meet the fantastic pianist. You should know everyone in the kitchen was really enjoying your playing. Would you like to play here full time?" she offered.

Edward smiled and said, "You are too kind. You have a wonderful old instrument in there, I'm sure it makes everyone sound better than they really are."

"Oh no, it doesn't," she laughed musically. "You wouldn't believe some of the stuff we hear. But you were a real treat. Do you play professionally?"

Edward shook his head 'no.' Her eyes looked in my direction and she said, "Just for your sweetheart?"

I smiled and nodded and she continued, "Well, please urge him to play another tune after dinner. Listening to him play is a true pleasure." Then she said, "May I offer you a little indulgence tonight?" She set the dessert tray on the table.

She was clearly making the offer to me, which delighted me, as most women usually paid attention to Edward and totally ignored me.

"They all look so delicious I don't know which one to choose." I was practically drooling.

"You don't have to choose, dear, they're all for you," she said as she slid the tray in front of me. I looked down at a mouthwatering display of crème brûlée, ice cream covered with raspberry sauce, blackberry cobbler, a variety of cookies, and a slice of some sort of deep, dark chocolate cake. They all looked equally tempting.

"I couldn't possibly eat all those," I protested. "Although it might be fun to try."

"Just taste whatever you like and let me know if you find a favorite," she smiled warmly.

"You're just as wonderful as I've heard you were," I blurted out, overcome by her generosity of spirit.

She looked surprised as she said, "Just what have you heard about me?"

I looked to Edward, but he merely nodded, so I said, "Well, I heard about how you bought the Lodge from Manka and took care of her here until she died."

"Very few people know that, and it happened almost 20 years ago – you couldn't have been more than a baby. How do you know about that?" she demanded suspiciously.

Edward spoke now, saying, "My father told us. He's a physician, his name is Carlisle Cullen."

Margaret expression immediately softened as she turned to look at Edward. "I thought you looked familiar somehow. Is your father still practicing?"

"He's semi-retired," Edward lied smoothly.

"He had a superb grasp of medicine, despite being so young, and a wonderful bedside manner," Margaret affirmed with a purr in her voice.

My eyes widened involuntarily and I briefly wondered what Esme would think about this sultry woman talking about Carlisle like that.

"He just happened to be staying here during Manka's last week, and it was a blessing to have another doctor around. She had her good days and her bad days, and she got confused towards the end. She kept trying to tell me she knew Dr. Cullen from when she first opened the Lodge, back in the Twenties." She smiled enigmatically. "Whatever the reason… he was a great comfort to her during her final days. A great comfort."

"As were you, according to my father," Edward said. "He speaks very highly of you."

"Please extend my invitation to him to come back to the Lodge." Margaret directed her gaze towards Edward and looked at him intently. "It doesn't matter how many years have passed, I would love to see him again," she said sincerely. "And if there is anything special we can do for you, please let us know, it would be our pleasure."

"We're already having a wonderful time," I interjected.

She noticed the ring sparkling on my finger in the candlelight and asked, "Is this a trip to celebrate your engagement?"

"Yes," Edward quickly replied. "My father gave this place a very high recommendation and thought it would be a perfect retreat for us, to take a break from the wedding planning." All this was news to me, if it was true. It made sense; maybe that _is_ how we ended up here.

"We have a special property with its own dock on Tomales Bay, called the Boathouse. We do a few weddings every year, and it so happens that we are hosting one there on Sunday at two. Please feel free to stop by for either the ceremony or the reception. There will be about 80 people, which is just the right number if two more want to join in the fun. The bride and groom have been coming here for about ten years, and I know they won't mind if an engaged couple wanted to see them get married in this unique setting. It might give you some ideas for your special day."

"Thank you for the invitation. If we don't have plans we would be delighted to look in." Edward could be so charming, and he truly seemed to be enjoying this conversation with Margaret. I was too, between bites of the delectable desserts.

"What room are you two in?" she inquired.

"Manka's Cabin," Edward answered quickly.

"Then you're already in our best accommodation. Can I send a bottle of champagne to the cabin for your nightcap?" she cheerfully offered.

"Thank you, but no, that's very gracious of you, but neither of us drinks," Edward explained.

"You young people today – so conservative. You're on vacation, live a little. If you change you mind, just let me know. We can run a bottle to the Cabin at any time of the day or night," she encouraged.

"After all the dessert Bella has had I don't think she has room for another drop of anything this evening," Edward pointed out, an amused expression on his beautiful face.

It was true. I had plowed my way through three of the five servings but had finally put down my spoon, showing a bit of restraint. I couldn't resist the crème brûlée, warm blackberry cobbler and ice cream. I smiled weakly. "They were all delicious."

Margaret had a huge smile on her face as she picked up the tray and said, "I'll wrap what's left and you can take it back to the cabin in case you get hungry in the middle of the night." With that she disappeared back into the kitchen.

"Wow, she really is something," I marveled.

Edward nodded in agreement and said, "As warm as she is, she has a very elusive quality, too. She's like a wisp of smoke that you can see, but can't quite capture in your hands. Very unusual; and to take care of Manka at the end like she was family, and at no charge, that's rare. She's very special."

"This whole place is very special," I said, smiling at him. "Whatever the reason, I'm so glad you brought me here." Although this trip was supposed to be for him, he was making it all about me.

I could hardly complain though; he seemed to be having a good time and I couldn't remember when I had last seen him so relaxed. I wondered if it was because he didn't have to face Charlie glowering at him. I loved Charlie, but his disapproval was still abundantly clear every time he looked at Edward. And poor Edward had to hear Charlie's thoughts, too, which he usually refused to relay to me. I knew they must be bad, and I wondered if they involved Charlie's service revolver. Ineffective on Edward, but troublesome all the same.

"It's totally my pleasure to see you so happy," Edward's topaz eyes were shining with joy.

Could this night get any better?

At that moment our waiter Derrick reappeared carrying a paper box filled with my desserts. "Margaret noticed you liked the blackberry cobbler, so she tucked an extra one in here with the chocolate cake. That should get you through the night; and the cookies are great with coffee in the morning, too," he giggled as he left our table.

Edward rolled his eyes. "I don't know where you put it all – you're a tiny girl. It is a total mystery to me," he marveled.

"I only have a big appetite when you're around. When you're gone I have to force myself to eat anything," I reminded him.

We were almost the last couple left in the dining room when Derrick approached our table again, bearing a small silver tray with two long-handled spoons. In the bowl of the spoons was an egg-shaped mound of what looked like chocolate butter.

"This is our final indulgence of the evening," Derrick explained. "Chocolate ganache."

When he noticed the confusion on my face he explained, "Ganache is just French for 'mess.' The story goes that a kitchen underling accidentally spilled some hot cream into a pot of chocolate and this is the mess that resulted."

Edward and I both picked up a spoon and while I tasted mine he said, "Thank you, Derrick. You've made a wonderful dinner even more enjoyable," and a blushing Derrick returned to the kitchen.

"Did you see his face?" I asked Edward, as I continued licking my spoon.

"Yes, he's on his way to the kitchen to tell Bradley what a cute couple we are. Sally has already told them she couldn't remember when she saw two people more in love, and they all had a peek at us when I was playing the piano," Edward smiled his crooked smile, seemingly unperturbed by all the attention we were attracting.

"Well, I've never felt more free to express how much I love you," I said, feeling a flush spreading across my cheeks. "But I've had it straight from Alice that part of being a Cullen is being meticulously responsible. I thought we were supposed to keep a low profile in general."

"You're not quite a Cullen yet, so you get a break. We're not supposed to attract undue attention, but this place is special; they're very discreet. A lot of people honeymoon here, and they will only remember us as that charming, young romantic couple. The beautiful girl with the long brown hair and the lucky guy who couldn't take his eyes off her," he finished, gazing at me with such intensity in his sparkling ochre eyes that I blushed again.

"I think you may have that backwards. I think they'll remember the handsome guy and the girl who couldn't take her eyes off of him," I teased.

"If you keep blushing like that I'm going to have more than my eyes on you," he whispered.

"Promise?" I tempted.

He smiled and offered me his chocolate spoon, saying, "Do you want this one, too?"

"Sure, it's delicious," I giggled, slightly embarrassed, but not enough to stop eating the most enticing chocolate 'mess' I'd ever tasted.

"Margaret is really wanting me to play the piano again," he said with a smile in his eyes. "She has a very interesting mind; she loves being an innkeeper, but she has a somewhat unique view of the job. She would like everyone to leave here stuffed like a Christmas goose with all the delicacies she and Chef Daniel prepare. She was thrilled to see you eating so many of the desserts she made. So was I, for that matter."

"I can't believe I ate all that, but it was so amazing I couldn't stop. I've never tasted those flavors before; even this chocolate is unique," I enthused.

"Margaret truly enjoyed watching you eat. She was thinking about how much joy she derived by playing a part in the discovery of what it feels like to be sensually swept away by food. She's very romantic. She likes to feed people and then imagine them going back to their cabins and…" he stopped speaking, and if he could blush I think he would have.

"And then what?" I prodded.

"Well, let's just say she imagines them consummating their relationship, so to speak. She wants the whole world to be well fed and in love," he concluded.

"That sounds like a noble aim to me," I concurred. "I'm willing to go back to the cabin and do my part to make her dreams come true, how about you?" I giggled again, licking the last of the chocolate off of his spoon.

"If I wasn't sure that was only grape juice you were drinking I would think you were drunk, Bella," he said with mock seriousness, reaching into his pocket.

Edward placed a 100 bill on the table next to the candle and came around to help me out of the booth.

"Will that cover dinner?" I asked doubtfully, looking at the price on the menu card as I slipped it into my purse.

"No, Bella, that's just the tip. The price of the dinner is being put on our bill, which will be paid when we check out on Sunday," he explained.

"Oh, I see," I said as we walked passed Louie, stretched out in front of the fireplace in the parlor. As we approached he didn't move an inch, but his tail started wagging. "Edward, I think he really likes you."

"He should, I fed him a side of venison, some crab and a whole duck breast. We'll be lucky if we don't find him waiting for us in the car on Sunday," he said dryly.

We were walking past the piano on our way out of the parlor and I said, "How about playing one more song?"

"Would you like me to?" he asked, stoking my neck with his long, cool fingers.

"Sure, sure, let's make Margaret happy," I replied with a smile.

He rolled his eyes, but sat down at the piano and pulled me down to sit on the bench next to him.

Then the stillness of the night was shattered by the crashing of the opening chords of the Rolling Stones' _Let's Spend the Night Together._

I had never heard Edward play so raucously or with such abandon. The raw energy was palpable and the driving bass chords were making me vibrate on the bench next to him.

All of a sudden the door to the kitchen swung open and Margaret came out dancing, with her arms above her head. In the dim candlelight with her slim frame and black cap she reminded me of Alice as she danced around, giving Edward the 'thumbs up' sign.

The kitchen door swung open again, and Chef Daniel reached an arm out, grabbed Margaret around the waist and deftly pulled her back into the kitchen.

The way she vanished behind the door so quickly made Edward and I laugh and he played the provocative chorus one last time, singing to me, "let's spend the night together, now I need you more than ever, let's spend the night together now," ending with a tremendous crashing of chords. We heard a distant round of applause from behind the kitchen doors.

I had never seen Edward in rock and roll mode, and it was startling. He would have made a tremendous rock star, encouraging Mick Jagger into an early retirement. I was beginning to feel like a groupie.

He looked at my adoring face and smiled, saying as if by explanation, "Emmett is a big Stones fan."

He stood up and took my hand, pulling me off the bench. "Do you want to have another dessert before we head back to the cabin? It's a long trip and you might need the nourishment…"

I rolled my eyes and he took that opportunity to sweep me off my feet and slip out the front door and down the path under an almost full moon. I put my arms around his neck and before I knew it, we were back at our cabin.

"This has been the most wonderful day, just spending time alone with you," I said emphatically as he set me down in front of the fireplace.

I looked around and noticed that someone had come in and put more logs on the fire so that the room was toasty and had a wonderful hickory aroma. On the dining table sat a large thermos with a handwritten note that said: _Hot chocolate for a nightcap, or to enjoy in bed in the morning. _

The bed covers had been turned down to reveal a luxurious down feather bed and there were plump handmade marshmallows on the pillow. It was like the Lodge was staffed by elves; good-looking elves.

Edward chuckled as he set my dessert box down on the dining table. Then he walked back to where I was standing by the fire. Although his eyes were still amber, they looked hungry. Of course he hadn't just devoured one of the most rare and delicious meals cooked by two of the top chefs in the United States. I was full but not uncomfortably so, amazingly.

It was only the first day of our special weekend and Edward had already outdone himself. He was so attentive and so determined to expand my human experiences while I still had time. Of course there was one human experience we couldn't agree on, but judging by the look on his face he might be rethinking his position. I decided to find out, but this time I would use a little reverse psychology.

I carefully walked over to the bookcase and ran my hand along the spines of the leatherbound volumes. "I'm not really tired. I think I'll choose a book to read by the fire for a bit. Care to make a recommendation?"

Suddenly I was being spun around to face him. He had his hands on my shoulders and was looking in my eyes. Smoldering. I gasped. Ooh, this was going to be interesting. If I could maintain consciousness and respiration.

"If you are not tired, perhaps there's something else we could do besides read," he suggested, slowly sliding one hand down my side and resting it on my hip.

Heart pounding, I was already fighting hard to breathe and find my voice. He was so damned irresistible. But I couldn't seem too eager. Maybe this time if I made it seem like it was his idea he would go further than usual. I could try, anyway.

"Reading is one of my favorite pastimes," I managed to murmur as my pulse quickened, the rush of blood pounding in my ears. I didn't think I could keep resisting for much longer.

He instantly released me and took a step backwards. Oh crap, I had gone too far. I reached out and laid my hand on his arm, taking a step toward him. "But I'm willing to explore other options, if you have a better idea," I said as sweetly as I could.

Instantly his arms were around me and his lips were on my shoulder, trailing kisses up my neck, and when he got to my ear he whispered, "I can think of several things I would like to do with you."

I blushed furiously. He had to be able to feel the heat rising from my chest to my face. He moved his lips back down to my throat. This was such exquisite torture. The tension was starting to make me squirm in spite of my desire to remain still and not spoil the moment.

He swiftly brought his lips up to mine and began kissing me gently, pressing his body against mine until I felt the bookcase behind me. I wrapped my arms around his neck and ran my fingers through his soft bronze hair.

I felt such a wave of love for him sweep over me. He proved his love for me every moment he was with me, for it would be so easy for him to slip and end my life. The care and tenderness he showed me filled my heart. I thought of how long he had been alone, and how I wanted so badly to ease the pain he had suffered.

When we were together like this I could tell he felt joy. I was feeling it in every cell of my body. Joy mixed with longing for more. Always more where Edward was concerned. I didn't think I would ever be able to get enough of him, but this was a good start.

He dropped one arm to my waist, holding me closer to him, and with his other arm he reached up and took my hand from his neck and held it over my head, against the wall, pressing even closer to me. A shudder shook my frame; I wasn't sure if it originated within him or me.

He parted his lips and I inhaled his sweet breath, sweeter than any wine I could ever taste, and much more intoxicating. My head was spinning and my knees were so weak, it was a good thing he had such a tight hold on me or I would have been in a puddle on the floor.

He moved his lips across my face and down my neck again, giving me a chance to take some oxygen into my lungs. This was turning out even better than I had hoped.

He let go of my hand and I reached for his face, bringing it up so I could look into his eyes. They were bright and excited, blazing like pure fire. I felt his passion igniting in me. I pressed my lips against his greedily and he reached down and brought my right leg up around his hip. He was kissing me roughly now, with more urgency, and I felt like my heart would burst.

His kiss left me breathless and he pulled back slightly. But his mouth was ghosting over mine as he said "You have witchcraft in your lips." Then I felt his icy tongue trace the contours of my lips before he kissed me again.

I could feel his hand caressing my leg and it sent shivers down my spine and I felt like I was on fire at the same time. I wanted to feel his hands all over my body. I put my arm around his neck again and pulled him even closer to me. When he finally took his lips away from mine we both gasped but didn't move. I took a deep breath, unable to think clearly. I just knew this was the best ever.

"Still want to find something to read?" he asked slyly.

_Read?_ My eyes could barely focus. "No," I admitted, my fingertips massaging the back of his neck.

He let go of my leg but immediately reached around and picked me up in his arms and carried me to the sofa. He sat down, holding me in his lap. I wasn't ready to stop, though, and I pulled his face toward mine again, ready for another kiss.

"Don't you think we should slow down, Bella?" He didn't sound totally convinced.

Was he serious? Did he really think I was going to say, 'sure, let's slow down?' I was just getting started. Slow down? If anything, I wanted to speed up. I was ready to rip his clothes off. And mine.

I suddenly realized I was wearing very little under this dress. It was constructed so that I didn't have to wear a bra. This could work in my favor, if I could just figure out how. But I wasn't thinking clearly. I still had his face in my hands, just inches away from my lips. His breath was the best thing I ever smelled. I inhaled deeply.

"I'm not tired," was the best I could force my overwhelmed mind to come up with. Thinking I needed to start somewhere, I kicked off my ballet slippers and we both heard them hit the floor with a thud. I felt as if I was about to be devoured by his intense gaze. The fire cracked and hissed as I felt the electricity buzz between us.

I slid my left hand down his chest and under the hem of his sweater, hoping to find skin, but instead discovered he was wearing a tee shirt. What was he thinking, dressing in layers?

I wondered if pouting would help in this situation. I pushed my lower lip out and looked at him from under my lashes.

He looked like he was debating with himself. "You are trouble," he said softly.

"That's right. I'm your biggest nightmare," I confirmed, deciding to go for it. I kissed him then, right on his cold, hard lips that seemed warm and soft to me. I traced his lips with my tongue and I heard a small moan escape those delicious lips.

I almost expected him to dump me on the sofa and retreat to the other side of the room but he surprised me again. He didn't object. In fact, he leaned into me and then I felt his hand on my knee. It sent a jolt through me, and my flesh where he touched me felt like it was burning. But it felt so good. His cool fingertips traveled under the hem of my skirt toward my thigh shooting cold, fiery sparks throughout my body. I arched my back and pressed against him. My need for him was more intense than ever.

I parted my lips slightly and brushed my tongue over his top lip. I wanted entrance but it was denied, for now. A moan escaped my lips and Edward moved his mouth to my neck.

I caught my breath in air that was drenched in his scent, and was ready to resume where we left off when he suddenly sat up and wrapped both arms around my back, pulling me to him, resting his head on my chest, inhaling deeply. A minute passed and he didn't move. He was listening to my heartbeat as it calmed down from a frantic thudding.

"I love you so much. Don't stop," I pleaded softly. Things had been going so well. I felt he needed some encouragement.

"I love you, too. That's why I am stopping," he said, his voice husky.

I groaned, knowing I had lost the battle. "You are so unfair."

He raised his head and gazed into my eyes. He was totally in control now and I felt I was drowning in a lovely sea of butterscotch.

"I am willing to listen to your arguments," he said reasonably.

"I don't want to argue. I want to do the exact opposite," I said with a sigh.

"Oh, not talk at all?"

"Are you _trying_ to make me mad or does it just come naturally?"

His eyes suddenly held a new twinkle in their golden depths and he looked as if he were trying to suppress a smile. The corners of his mouth were turned up despite his best efforts. What was going on with him? He couldn't be happy about my scolding.

"What's so funny, Edward?"

"Nothing." Now he looked guilty.

I narrowed my eyes. He would tell me. "Explain yourself. Now."

He smiled then, and looked away. "It's just that I've never heard you say those particular words in that order, and I found it a bit suggestive," he admitted.

"What are you talking about?" I thought back over what I had just said and didn't see anything the least bit suggestive. _Are you trying to make me mad or does it just… oh. _

Despite my best effort I could feel my cheeks burning.

"Edward, really. You're not quite the prude Emmett thinks you are, are you?"

"Have you been discussing me with Emmett?"

"Oh, you're pretty much the number one topic of conversation at your house, didn't you know?" I thought he deserved some teasing.

He sighed. "What did Emmett say exactly?"

"I don't want to repeat it; but the gist of it was that he and Jasper have a bet about how long I'm going to remain "unspoiled" following our wedding. Emmett seems to think my untouched state is going to last for a long time."

"Emmett is an animal," he said matter-of-factly. "What does Jasper think?"

"He thinks you will crack; he says you won't be able to wait until the wedding night. I'm with Jasper on this one."

Edward threw his head back and laughed. "You will be the death of me," he managed to gasp.

No, it's going to be the other way around, if I have my way, I thought with satisfaction; but I didn't think he could take that much teasing so I kept my thoughts to myself and remained silent. I loved hearing him laugh like that and vowed to do whatever I could this weekend to make him happy. If he would let me. We had just gone a lot further than usual before he reached his limit, so I would have to take comfort in that.

"You are so lovely, Bella, but aren't you tired yet?" He sounded hopeful.

"I'm tired of being teased." I was afraid our romantic interlude was over, for now; but the night was still young and I wasn't about to miss an opportunity like this one. "Do you think Alice packed my tee shirt and sweats?"

"Right; I'm sure she didn't spend any time shopping for new sleepwear; that wouldn't have been any fun for her at all," he said, suppressing a chuckle.

"Frankly, I'm scared to see what she's come up with for me to wear to bed," I admitted. "Did you bring pajamas?"

"Yes, she insisted I bring a pair of silk ones. I'm just going to wear the bottoms, though. So you can wear the top if you want," he generously offered.

"Thanks," I said, already picturing Edward with no shirt and sending grateful vibes to Alice for 'just the bottoms.'

"Do you want to take a bubble bath or test drive that outdoor shower first?" he asked with a hint of a smile.

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_**If you enjoyed reading about dessert, how about leaving me some sugar by clicking on that button on the left and writing a review **(do you think Bella is going to choose bath or shower? Do you think Edward will join her?). Or choose the Story Alert option so you get an email next time I post a chapter. And thanks to everyone who has added this to their list of Favorite Stories... that's so cool!_

AN: My beta, _not done baking_is above the price of rubies. And go hit that link on my Profile page to see pictures of the dining room at Manka's Lodge, the cabin, and surroundings. It's magical.


	16. I Want You To Want Me

**AN: I want to thank everyone who has been adding me to their Favorites and putting this on Story Alert. I have a request. Would everyone who has done these things please just leave one review? It doesn't have to be of this chapter; any one will do. Let me know what you think about the story. Reviews give me ideas and provide inspiration for future chapters. Thanks. **

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_Outside the sky is light with stars;  
There's a hollow roaring from the sea.  
And, alas! for the little almond flowers,  
The wind is shaking the almond tree._

--Katherine Mansfield

Chapter 16: _**I Want You To Want Me**_

"Do you want to take a bubble bath or test drive that outdoor shower now?" he asked with a hint of a smile.

"A bubble bath might be fun," I said easily, "if you joined me…" My heart was beating wildly at just the thought.

"Bella," he said with a note of warning in his voice.

"Well, will you at least keep me company while a take a bath? Please, Edward?" I was not too proud to beg, and I didn't want to let him out of my sight for a minute of this weekend.

He had a strange, faraway look in his eyes. "Alright," he said reluctantly. "You get in the bath and then call me; I want to attend to a few details out here first."

"It's a deal," I said as I jumped up and raced into the bathroom, narrowly avoiding tripping over the corner of the big fluffy rug in the bedroom. Nothing like showing how eager you are, Bella, I scolded myself.

My behavior surely couldn't come as a surprise to him. He knew how much I wanted him. I might as well have it tattooed on my forehead; and my little reverse psychology thing had worked pretty well. For a while, until his bizarrely moral vampire code kicked in, as usual. He did seem to be able to go further physically though, and I knew I was enjoying it more. This evening was off to a very good start, I decided; but it was far from over.

I looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. You could dress me up in a silk gown and put rhinestones in my hair, but I was still plain old Bella. It always amazed me how Edward seemed to be inordinately attracted to someone as average, clumsy and almost painfully shy as me.

What did he see in me? I desperately hoped it wasn't just about the way I smelled, although I knew that had to be a big part of it. Would I still smell as good after I became one of the cold ones? I wanted nothing more than to join him for eternity, but would he still feel the same way about me… when the blood was no longer coursing through my veins, singing to him?

How could anyone know with certainty what the future held? All I knew was that I would love him forever. I pushed my doubts aside as I brushed my teeth. I tried to think of more pleasant things while the tub was filling with hot water and a generous amount of bubble bath supplied by the Lodge. They thought of everything. A fluffy white terry cloth robe was hanging on a hook on the back of the bathroom door, and a matching pair of new slippers was wrapped in plastic in a basket next to the tub.

I shrugged out of the beautiful silk dress and hung it on another hook on the wall next to some massive bath towels. I removed the dragonfly ornaments from my hair and put it up in a high ponytail and then twisted it around and secured it on top of my head with a small tortoiseshell clip Alice had so kindly included in my toiletries kit.

I noticed she had also packed a large sea sponge, so I tossed that into the running bath, wondering if she had seen me enticing Edward into it. A girl could hope. At least she hadn't seen me accidentally drowning or we would have heard about it by this time.

I wondered if Edward was on the phone with Alice right now. I wondered if she could see everything that I was planning, and if she did, would she tell Edward? Talk about an unfair advantage.

I grabbed a washcloth and splashed into the huge, bubble-filled tub. It was way too big for one person. Maybe I could convince him after all. As I shut off the water I heard Claire De Lune wafting through the hidden stereo speakers. Edward being attentive again; I could get used to this.

"Edward," I softly called to him, and immediately the door opened.

His long, white fingers reached in and switched off the light, and then he entered, carrying a small silver tray holding three votive candles. He had taken off his sweater and was wearing a white undershirt with no sleeves, exposing his strong, well-defined arms. He put the tray down on the heated slate floor and sat on a small wooden bench next to the tub.

The moonlight poured through the frosted French doors. It could hardly be more romantic. I smiled with anticipation.

"How's the bath?" he inquired conversationally.

"Why don't you come in and find out? This tub is really too big for one person," I looked up at him with as much allure as I could muster.

I watched him as his eyes took in my face, neck, and shoulders, surrounded in a sea of bubbles.

"Bella, you're torturing me. Stop it," he protested.

Good, I thought. It's working. I slid to my knees and rested my arms on the edge of the tub, looking up at him with desire burning in my eyes. Could he read my mind now?

I thought he could, because he looked away, out the window and up at the moon, high in the dark night sky.

"Edward, please look at me," I said softly.

"Are you trying to tempt me into an indiscretion?"

"No, a bathtub."

"Very funny, Bella. This is not going to go anywhere, so don't think it is," he said evenly. "I already know how breathtakingly beautiful you are and your scent is beyond intoxicating. I can only take so much, but I am not going to lose control now."

I blushed but didn't want him to stop. This could be fun, and after all, it was supposed to be our fun weekend. I sank down into the tub and turned my back to him. Glancing over my shoulder at him, as provocatively as I could, I said, "It's true we had a gentleman's agreement, but unfortunately for you, I'm no gentleman."

He rolled his eyes but remained silent.

"Alright, I accept that you won't get in with me, but will you at least scrub my back?" I tempted, holding up the dripping sea sponge.

"I just want to state for the record that this is against my better judgment," he said slowly, gingerly plucking the sponge from my hands.

I had turned my head towards him and the movement had brought him close to my upturned face, close enough for me to inhale a trace of his sweet breath as he was acknowledging a minor defeat. It was still enough to make me slightly dizzy. I gripped the edges of the tub to steady myself.

He picked up a bottle of Kiel's strawberry scented liquid soap from a basket on the wall, and put some on the sponge. I pulled my legs up to my chest and clasped my arms around my knees to lean forward and expose my back.

"You do look tiny in that giant tub," he observed as he gently touched the sponge to my back.

Even though the bathroom floor was heated and the bath was steaming, when he touched my back it felt like an icy electric shock going through my body and I shivered.

He pulled his hand away immediately and with his voice full of concern asked, "Bella, are you alright?"

"Yes," I sighed. "It's just the nearness of you. Please resume what you were doing."

He gave a low laugh and began making a small swirling motion starting at my right shoulder and making his way across to the left and back again. He dipped the sponge in the hot water and rinsed my shoulders and then started again, a bit lower.

I was in heaven, the rhythmic motion relaxing and exciting me at the same time. It was a good thing I was sitting in water because I felt like I was about to spontaneously combust.

After what seemed like a short time he stopped. "Why did you stop?" I asked dreamily.

"I think your back is sufficiently clean, Bella. You don't want me to scrub your skin off, do you?" he asked with amusement.

"Okay then, do my arms please," I said, turning to face him and placing my right hand in his left.

He dropped the sponge into the water and brought my hand up to his lips, kissing the tip each finger and then my palm. His cool, hard lips were making my palm burn. I was melting, and it wasn't from the hot water I was soaking in.

Then he placed the palm of my hand against his cool cheek and held it there while gazing deeply into my eyes. I was finding it difficult to focus, difficult to even breathe.

He calmly leaned forward and kissed me, softly, but long and slow. So much emotion was conveyed in that perfect kiss. I felt his love for me, filling my heart. Just as my body started to vibrate and I felt a wave of pleasure wash over me, he released me.

He took my hand away from his face, and as he drew away from me he said, "That is as far as I'm going with the bathing routine." His sweet breath was compelling. I felt overheated and gasped for breath. That was unlike anything I had ever experienced and I didn't want it to stop.

So he thought bath time was over, did he? My head was spinning but I suddenly had an idea. I felt a prickly sensation dance over the surface of my skin. My stomach felt like a hundred butterflies were desperately trying to escape. Summoning all my courage, I pulled the plug out of the drain with my big toe and quickly stood up.

I felt the blush spreading from my chest up to my face in a split second. I was fairly covered in bubbles, but they were sliding down over my wet skin towards the tub at a rather rapid rate. What had possessed me? What was I supposed to do next? What did I think Edward would do? What did I want Edward to do? I had no time to think; I was acting on pure instinct now.

My quick movement had startled him and his head snapped in my direction. I started to take a step toward him, but my foot slipped, and I felt myself starting to fall. Before I could even cry out, he had grabbed a giant bath towel off the wall and wrapped it around me as he scooped me up in his arms.

"Nice try, Bella. Remind me to have one of those rubber bath mats installed in the tub tomorrow," he intoned serenely.

The tension evaporated as I heard a laugh escape my throat and amazingly I heard Edward join in my laugher. At least I was in his arms, damp and wrapped only in a towel. I laced my fingers together around the back of his neck and pressed my forehead against the hollow of his neck. This was working better than I had expected.

Who was I kidding… I didn't have any expectations; I had been operating on adrenaline and the foolhardiness of someone who didn't know what was good for them. I was taken aback by my own boldness, but where Edward was concerned I knew I was going to have to take the lead because he was going to be too much of a gentleman to take advantage of me. I would have to take advantage of him; he left me no choice.

"You're still the most dangerous creature I've ever encountered," he sighed.

I smiled, remembering the last time he had told me that. We had been alone in his bedroom and I had tried to seduce him and ended up failing miserably at that. So miserably that I had accepted his engagement ring and agreed to marry him, all with my virtue intact.

Even though I had failed in this attempt, the night was young, and he didn't seem to be mad at me. I decided to try another tact. "I wish we could stay like this forever," I whispered.

"So do I, Bella, so do I," he admitted, carrying me into the bedroom and sitting down on the blanket chest at the foot of the bed. "But you're still damp and you haven't even looked for your sleepwear, have you?" he teased.

"No," I replied cheerfully, happy to be sitting on his lap, just mere inches from the bed. I was a bit lightheaded, though. "I really am worried about what Alice has picked out for me."

"Well, you can't sleep in that towel." He shifted me over and deposited me on the bed and went to the closet to find whatever Alice had planned for my bedtime attire.

Thinking quickly, I just couldn't let this opportunity pass. Checking to see that he had his back to me, rummaging around in the luggage, I unwrapped the towel, and lay down on the bed on my stomach. My heart was thumping wildly and I had almost stopped breathing. I closed my eyes. The anticipation was killing me.

What would Edward do when he came back and found me lying there naked? I felt a blush spreading from my toes to the top of my head. I couldn't make my intentions any plainer if I was carrying a flashing neon sign. I loved him, I trusted him, and I wanted him. We were making a lot of progress with the physical side of our relationship today and I wasn't ready to stop. I felt very vulnerable, but hopeful, too.

He moved so silently that I couldn't tell where he was but I suddenly felt the room fill with tension. It was thick and heavy, and I found it difficult to breathe. I gripped the pillow with both hands, bracing myself for whatever was going to come next.

Then I heard a hiss and a low, angry growl near the foot of the bed and the sound struck terror into my swiftly beating heart. What had I done? I was truly afraid. I was afraid of Edward. I felt cold, clammy and nauseous. My stomach clenched violently. My brain shut down. I couldn't think.

All of a sudden there was a thump on the bed next to me. That did it. My heart pulled the trigger and the gun went off. I was trembling when I opened my eyes and saw a blue silk drawstring bag on the bed.

I heard Edward's voice from the living room say tersely, "You have got to take a look at it sooner or later. I will be in here until you do."

I had been holding my breath and his voice made me inhale deeply. I wrapped the towel around me and stood up unsteadily. I snuck a glance toward the living room where I could see him putting another log on the fire. Then he sat down on the sofa, rested his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands. That was never a good sign. I had gone too far this time.

I wobbled back into the bathroom and closed the door. I looked at the lock and thought about using it. I was still afraid. My heart wouldn't stop pounding. I knew he would hear me turning the lock and if he wanted to come in after me no lock would stop him. He was so much more powerful than me; I didn't stand a chance of fighting him off if it came to that. What had I been thinking? Was I insane?

I sat down on the bench and continued to breathe deeply. Was I going to start hyperventilating? It was possible. I was also shaking. I needed to get a grip. I knew he had to have seen me lying there. I could still feel myself blushing.

The tone of that growl had really been ferocious. I knew if he didn't have so much willpower I would probably be dead by now, in danger of that since the first day we met.

I just couldn't stop myself from pushing things to the very edge. What was wrong with me? I wanted to have my cake and eat it, too.

Where was this going to end? How far could I push him before he snapped? Did I really want to find out? What kind of dangerous dance was I doing? One that would get me killed? I should know better than to do any kind of dance, with my track record.

Dancing reminded me of Rosalie. How stupid was I to follow her romantic advice? As if laying myself bare to Edward would suddenly melt his reserve. What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking, I was just wanting. I wanted to feel his skin against mine and I didn't want any barriers between us anymore.

I was only human after all. Was all this pressure going to drive him further away? Would he be even more careful around me now? Would he want to call the trip off altogether and take me back to Charlie's?

He could hardly have any doubts about my intentions towards him, but I still had doubts about his intentions towards me. He must not want me as badly as I wanted him. No, I must not think like that.

He was just protecting me. Maybe I needed a good healthy dose of fear to remind me of what was at stake. I was finally breathing normally again.

I opened the drawstring bag gingerly. I smiled and pulled out a pair of midnight blue silk pajamas with a red heart embroidered on the breast pocket. They had short scalloped sleeves with pearl buttons up the front. They were feminine without being too girly. She's good, that Alice.

"Everything alright in there?" Edward inquired. He sounded a little more relaxed.

"You'll see in a minute," I called out, trying to sound happy. Dry by now, I hung up the towel, slipped into the pajamas, let my hair down and picked up the hairbrush. I stood in front of the mirror and brushed my hair until I was completely calm.

Then I opened the bathroom door. All the lights were out except for the large black globe nightlight and a candle on the nightstand. The fireplace cast soft flickering shadows on the wall behind the bed. It was an achingly romantic setting. If only we were already married; but we weren't, and Edward wasn't waiting for me in bed.

I took a few steps toward the living room, but he wasn't on the sofa in front of the fireplace, either. I was beginning to get worried. Had he left? Had I driven him away? Would I ever learn?

I walked into the living room and saw that the French doors were open. I almost ran over to them and found him out on the deck.

Edward still wore his undershirt, but he had changed into his pajama bottoms, a matching dark blue silk. I took that as a good sign. At least he wasn't planning on leaving. He was standing at the railing, looking out into the forest.

Clouds were rolling by overhead, intermittently blocking out the moonlight. He must have heard me coming because he turned around and looked me over from head to toe.

"That's more like it," he said, nodding his approval.

Evidently my previous failed attempt at seduction was not going to be a topic of discussion. I was relieved, and I felt so guilty for being afraid of him. What was wrong with me? He would never hurt me.

Before I could run across the small deck he opened his arms closed the distance between us. I slipped my arms around his waist and he folded his around me.

"We have to do something really nice for Alice when we get back," I said brightly.

"You know she loves you like you were her sister," he said, gazing into my eyes, "and the fact that you are so comfortable around her means the world to her."

"She's the sister I always wanted," I replied. "I love your family, too." I snuggled into his chest.

"Let's go in, I don't want you to get cold." He led me inside, closing the French doors, and settled us on the sofa in front of the fire.

"I'm just a little bit curious about something," he said quietly, stroking my hair.

Uh oh. Here it comes. I thought I was getting off too easy. I tucked my head under his chin and answered, "Only a little bit?"

He laughed softly. He gently shifted me away from him so he could look down at my face. I'm in for it now, I thought, gazing into his warm amber eyes. Bring it on.

"When you were bonding with Rosalie over the mix CD, did she offer you any relationship advice?" he inquired.

I gulped. How did he figure that out? I could feel the blush spreading from my face, down my neck and across my chest. Evidently that was all the answer I needed to make, as my favorite crooked smile appeared on his glorious face.

"What was the tip off? Rosalie promised she would close her mind and keep it a secret from you."

"It wasn't Rosalie, it was Emmett."

"Emmett?" I shrieked. "Oh, I'll never live this down."

"Don't worry, it's not like that. I just recalled something Emmett was trying to tell me as I left the house this morning."

"This just gets worse and worse."

"No, but can you imagine me taking relationship advice from Emmett?"

"Can you imagine I did take relationship advice from Rosalie?"

He groaned. "Emmett was trying to tell me something but I wouldn't listen. He started to say that Rosalie thought you were crazy about me, but I wouldn't let him finish his thought."

"Well everyone knows I'm crazy about you. Is it impossible to keep a secret in that house?"

"Not impossible, but very difficult."

"I'm glad you didn't learn anything directly from Rosalie though; and she was just trying to be helpful."

"Well that explains some things. But Rosalie really shouldn't be giving you that kind of advice. She may have been to medical school, but she still doesn't know anything about actually being with a human. I thought I was going to be the one surprising you this weekend, but you are just full of surprises," he said pleasantly.

I was so relieved he wasn't mad I made a tiny confession, "I'm beginning to like _your_ surprises."

"I am very pleased to hear that. I like your surprises, too, but I will like them even more after we are married and I can fully participate in them."

I sighed. "You could participate in them now, if you wanted to."

"Bella, you don't know what you are asking. I will not ever risk harming you. You are the most unusual girl, and I can't believe how lucky I am to have found you," he said huskily. He took my face in his hands and slowly pressed his cool lips against mine. I returned his kiss and moved my hand up to stroke his unruly hair.

When he pulled back he simply said, "I want you to know that I'm thankful for every kiss we share. I don't take any of the time we spend together for granted. When I look at you, I feel like lightening is running through my veins. You take my breath away."

His words of gratitude and love melted my heart. I felt a wave of guilt for my stupid attempt at seduction and decided to apologize.

"Edward, I'm sorry I was so impulsive before. I don't know what came over me. It's just that I want you so badly, I'm willing to do anything…"

"Please, Bella, you do not have to apologize to me. I should be apologizing to you. I know I frightened you, and for that I am very sorry. I do not want to make you feel like that. It hurts me so much to have made you afraid of me."

"I'm not afraid of you," I declared, and it was true now, even though I had been afraid a few minutes ago.

"Well, a little fear is a good thing where you are concerned, but I must have startled you as much as you startled me... and I reacted before I thought."

"Interesting that was your reaction. It was not the reaction I was hoping for."

"Bella, you frightened me. To see you like that, you have no idea what beautiful skin you have, how perfect your body is, and to know that you trust me when I might easily slip and kill you without meaning to, is very frightening for me. I cannot ever lose control with you, but please know that I want you. I want all of you. Forever," he concluded huskily.

That was what I wanted to hear him say. If I wasn't going to be able to do what I wanted with his body, at least it was very satisfying to hear him say that.

"I love you so much, Edward."

He brought his lips to hover over mine and said, "I love you with every fiber of my being, Bella, always remember that," and then his lips moved hungrily on mine. I clasped my hands around his neck and pulled him even closer to me, pressing my body against his.

When he broke the kiss I was breathless and he said, "I am such a bad influence on you. Even your mistakes mostly have something to do with me, and they cannot compare with the colossal mistakes I have made. I know how close I came to losing you, and I know it was my fault. I want you to know that I'm going to spend whatever time I have trying to make it up to you."

"We're going to be together forever, Edward. That's all that matters."

"Bella, you have no idea what I went through when I decided it would be better if I went out of your life. I thought I was making it possible for you to have a life, which you couldn't have with me."

"I had no life without you."

"I know that now, but after what happened at your birthday party, I felt I didn't have a choice. I couldn't keep exposing you to that kind of danger. And it killed me to leave you. I had spent so many years, I had been all over the world, and I never met anyone who came close to making me feel what you made me feel. Alive. In love. Whole. Until I knew what it was like to be with you I never realized how lonely I had been, and after I left, every minute without you seemed like an hour. All I did was think about you, and I know your suffering was even worse. I do not think I can ever forgive myself for doing that to you."

"Edward, please don't beat your self up over past mistakes. We've both made mistakes. I make them all the time," I admitted. "I just hope we can learn from them so we don't repeat them," I said, trying to reassure him.

"You may be right, and there may even be a good reason we've made mistakes." Edward held both my hands in his and said, "Carlisle reminded me of something this morning. There's an old Chinese proverb that says that life consists of four emotions: happiness, pleasure, sorrow, and love. To be whole one must experience each emotion, and by doing so we are interconnected with all other human beings. Until I met you, I knew something was missing, but I didn't know how powerful that something was."

"I know what you mean," I felt myself blushing again and watched Edward's eyes flicker in response. It was so wonderful to hear him talk about his feelings. I knew I did that for him; he was trying so hard to connect with me, and I was making him feel more human than he could ever remember. "You've certainly helped me get in touch with those emotions, Edward, but I think I've had enough sorrow though, thank you very much."

"I'm so sorry," he immediately replied. "The one thing I can't handle is being a disappointment to you." I saw the pain in his eyes and that hurt me, too.

"You have no idea how much I regret the decision that took me away from you, but I thought it was the best for you at the time. I see now that I was wrong, but I think it was inevitable, given my decision to stay in Forks after the first day we met."

"What do you mean, inevitable? How does meeting me lead to leaving me?" I asked, totally confused.

He moved his hand to my throat, tracing a line along my collarbone. "My desires where you are concerned are so difficult to control; I want you to be mine forever, but I don't want to destroy your soul. I'm not as strong as you think I am. Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did, but I did it so you would have a long, happy life without me," he softly explained.

"That's impossible and I hope you understand that now," I implored. "I have no life without you. Or at least, the life I had was miserable. I don't ever want to go there again. Promise me you will never leave me again," I felt myself starting to gasp for breath, thinking of how I might have driven him away again just a few minutes ago.

"Bella, I have already promised I will never leave you again. No matter how bad I am for you, I do understand that you are even worse off without me." He smiled ruefully. "I think all we have been through is evidence enough that we are joined together no matter how much either one of us tries to fight it," he looked deep into my eyes, and I saw the pain it caused him to remember the worst parts of our relationship.

"I guess the ancient Chinese know what they're talking about, but it sure can get tough at times," I said thoughtfully, going over some of my own memories. "Can we go to bed now?"

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**_AN: Okay, now it's your turn to write something. Hit that Review button (it won't hit back, really).  
_**

**_My beta, not done baking, is the champion of betas. Check out her stuff, too. If you click on the link to Manka's website on my Profile page you will see the photo that inspired this chapter and Bella's after bath activity. It's in the 'Lodging' area, under Great Beds._**

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**I just added an Alice and Jasper story, too, called _Believe It, Beloved_. It's just over a thousand words, so take a look at it if you like A & J.**

**Who doesn't like Alice and Jazz? Oh, I forgot, the wolf boys of La Push. Oh well, to each his own.**


	17. All I Have To Do Is Dream: B & E POV

**AN: Thanks to you, my loyal readers, _Blue Moon Over Manka's_ won_ The Danger Magnet Award_, representing the Best Bella Characterization at the Denali Coven website. Thanks for all your votes and support. **

**Now gather those thoughts as you read this chapter and please leave a review and let me know how you think the story is progressing.**

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**Chapter 17: All I Have To Do Is Dream**

_Late Friday night_

"I guess the ancient Chinese know what they're talking about, but it sure can get tough at times," I said thoughtfully, going over some of my own memories. "Can we go to bed now?"

"Of course," Edward said as he got up from the sofa and led me back to the bedroom. He waited for me to get in and then he smoothed the covers around me and slipped in next to me.

He still looked concerned, but then said more hopefully, "We're going to be married soon. I know that doesn't mean the same thing to you as it does to me, but I can't help being somewhat old fashioned. To me it means we will be together forever."

He slipped his arm around my shoulder and I snuggled next to him. "I'm happy to be with you forever without a piece of paper, but I have to admit, my wedding dress is so beautiful, and it will make you happy, so I'm beginning to feel better about it," I confessed.

"Marriage is for better or worse; that's what a lot of people don't understand, but I take those vows very seriously," he said, looking at me with love shining in his warm golden eyes. "Hopefully the good times will outweigh the bad, and I promise I will do everything I can to make sure there are only good times in your future," he tried to reassure me, softly kissing my right temple.

"You have to be careful about that Edward," I warned. "Trying to protect me in the past is what caused so much trouble. Before you do something in my best interest perhaps it would be a good idea to discuss it with me first. I might see another way of doing things. We have to be able to communicate."

"Yes, Bella, I'm sure you would have other ideas," he chuckled, picking up my hand and lightly brushing his lips against the back of it. "Have you forgotten how your trying to protect me has also caused problems?"

I knew what he meant, and decided to remain silent, rather than catalog my misdeeds, committed in the name of trying to help him or attempting to save someone while they were trying to save me. Then I remembered when my trying to help paid off big time.

"I can think of one time when it solved a problem. Italy," I said softly.

"I was never happier to see someone in my whole life," he admitted. "Of course, I thought we were both dead, but still, I would have taken it, with you there."

"We both _were_ almost dead; me with worry about getting there in time to find you before the Volturi did, and you – " I stopped, unable to go on.

"I know, I know, don't get upset now. That's all over, and it was my fault, totally. I jumped to the wrong conclusions, which I will never do again. I've thought about that, and I realize that if I hadn't been away from you for so long," he paused and I shuddered, remembering that awful separation. He held me even closer and stroked my hair gently.

"I was so desperate to see you, get back to you, and when I thought I had waited too long and it was too late; nothing mattered after that," his voice broke on the last word, and he pressed his lips against my forehead.

"I know. When Alice told me that you had gone to Italy, and we knew what you were trying to do, we couldn't get there fast enough. Every minute was torture." I didn't add that just about every minute of the six months previous to the mad dash to Italy had also been torture for both of us, but I was thinking it.

"I couldn't believe you wanted anything to do with me, after the way I left you. At first I just thought you were there because of Alice," he confessed.

"Edward! Are you kidding?" I asked, shocked.

"No, I'm not. After the way I treated you I thought you would hate me. Or at least never want to see me again. I thought you had moved on, even though I wanted to come back and beg you to give me another chance," he explained.

"So when I threw myself at you in the square, you just thought I was being nice for Alice's sake?" I couldn't wrap my brain around that.

"You had every right to hate me. You would have been totally justified."

"I could never hate you, don't you know that?"

"Well, it was a little hard to tell at the time. The way you clung to me gave me a shred of hope that you might forgive me, but then I thought maybe the Volturi were so frightening you would have clung to anyone," he said bitterly.

"Edward! And I thought you had meant what you said when you left; I thought you didn't want me. I wanted to cling to you forever, and I was afraid you would leave again, as soon as we got back to Forks."

"I thought what I had done was unforgivable. You are an angel to take me back. Before I met you, I didn't have a life, I didn't have a heart, I didn't have a soul. You have shown me that it is possible to have those things," he said, his voice low and earnest.

"You do have them, Edward."

"Only because of you. You have given me those things, and much more. I will be eternally grateful to you. You are truly everything to me, Bella."

I was overcome with feelings of love for this man.

"I only want to be with you, Edward. If I could spend every minute of every day 'til the end of time with you, it still wouldn't be enough."

His beloved crooked smile made an appearance then, and I heard his velvet voice say, "I know exactly what you mean, but I am afraid you will get tired of me, because I don't ever intend to let you alone again."

"I could never get tired of you, you silly man."

I looked up into his sparkling eyes as he leaned down to gently kiss my lips. I responded carefully, slowly returning his kiss. My mind suddenly flashed to his low, angry growl and the stab of fear I had felt not that long ago. I desperately wanted to banish that memory and replace it with something much more pleasant.

I moved my hand up to his neck and then his face. Our kiss gradually deepened and I felt his hand go to the small of my back, pressing me closer to him. His other hand was on my wrist and I felt him slide it up toward my shoulder, leaving a trail of sparks in his wake where his skin touched mine. I felt my skin getting warmer.

Edward moved his lips away from mine for a moment, allowing me to catch my breath, and he kissed his way down my neck to my collarbone. Then he pressed his lips against my throat and buried his nose in the area where my neck met my shoulder.

His hand moved from the top of my shoulder down my side to my waist. His hand slipped under my pajama top and I felt his fingers slide up to the middle of my back. He began to massage small circles with his thumb across my back. Everywhere he touched me my skin felt like it was on fire.

I leaned into him and started planting kisses all over his neck and down to his chest. My hands were moving across the planes of his chest, feeling the powerful muscles under his smooth, cool skin.

He lifted his head and whispered, "You are beyond my wildest dreams, Bella. I love you so much."

I gazed into his golden eyes. They were gentle but intense. My lips found his again and I kissed him as passionately as I could. I felt myself getting lost in that kiss. I couldn't get close enough to him. I moved myself against him, wrapping my arms around his neck, and he leaned into me, pressing me back onto the bed. He was letting the weight of his body bear down on mine, and it felt incredibly good. I melted beneath him as he continued kissing me. My pulse was racing and I felt warmer and warmer.

I felt all the passion I had for him about to burst out of my body. His lips were on mine again and then moved to my cheeks, my ear, my neck, and back to my lips again. I ran my tongue across his mouth and took his lower lip between my teeth, and that's when I found myself in bed alone. The sudden removal of his body from on top of mine left me aching for him.

Edward had simply vanished. I quickly sat up and saw him standing at the foot of the bed with his back to me. My eyes greedily took in his perfect form. His shoulders were so beautifully sculpted I longed to run my hands over all of him.

A long sigh escaped my lips. I lay there, waiting for him to say something, to do something.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I need a moment." He turned to look at me. His face was like a mask. It showed no sign of an inner struggle.

I decided to be cheerful and positive. "Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere." If he needed more time, fine. I could wait. Evidently he had found a point where he needed to get control. This was a good thing to know. I would need to be a bit more careful, but I was determined to have my way, sooner or later. Preferably sooner.

He slowly made his way back to where I lay. If anything, his expression was slightly sad. I was confident I could change that, if he would only give me a chance. He lay down on top of the covers, with his back resting against the wooden headboard. He crossed his arms over his chest. He did not touch me.

I had been laying flat on my back, but I turned on my side, facing him, and propped myself up on my elbow. I reached out my other arm and placed my hand on his. He didn't move, and he didn't look at me. He was staring at the fireplace in the living room.

"Edward, is something wrong?"

He glanced up from under his lashes with troubled eyes. "No, Bella. Are you ready to go to sleep?"

"No, I think you know I'm not ready to go to sleep."

"You need your rest."

"I'm not tired."

His voice sounded worn. "Bella, do you think I am made of steel? This is painful. I have desires too; I can't even begin to tell you what touching you does to me. I want to take you in my arms and never let you go. It is killing me that I am unable to fulfill all of your needs."

Okay, I could work with this. He just said he wants me, too. Now if I could only get him to loosen up. "We talked about this, Edward. We have to try things, and you're doing really well. I mean, when you let yourself—"

"Bella, you are my dearest love, my only love. I have waited so long for you. I will not do anything that will hurt you." His tone made it clear that was final.

It was so hard to be annoyed with him when he said things like that. I felt we had made so much progress and we didn't have that much further to go. This was our chance, but he wasn't going to cooperate. I felt myself getting angry in spite of everything. Tears were going to start flowing any moment now. I let the sting of rejection finally push me beyond reason.

"At least do me the courtesy of knowing when you are insulting me," I snapped.

Edward flinched as if I had slapped him. "Bella, in no way do I mean to…"

I exhaled deeply and interrupted him. "If you are not even going to touch me please go somewhere else." I didn't know I could say so many words while my jaw was so tightly clenched. This discovery did nothing to lighten my mood. I sank back down into my pillow and looked up at the wood beam cabin ceiling. My frustration was reaching its limit and I blinked to hold back the tears.

He immediately stood up next to the bed. "Is there a specific level of hell to which you would like to assign me?"

Normally I would have appreciated his wit, but now it just made me angrier. "Anywhere but here," I spat.

He looked at me for a long moment, then turned and walked into the living room. He stopped in front of the fireplace.

I put another pillow behind my head and sat up a bit. I watched as Edward closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. He stood like that for a while, lost in some sort of silent meditation. His thoughts were no more available to me than mine were to him. Then he opened his eyes and began to pace back and forth quickly. Even when he was agitated his movements were fluid and graceful.

I knew that pacing seemed to help him think. I hoped he was reconsidering his position regarding our physical relationship. I was so tired of him bringing me to the edge and then withdrawing. I truly did not think I could take much more of this. He had agreed to push our boundaries this weekend in preparation for the wedding night, but now he seemed reluctant. I hoped he wasn't going to propose returning to our old boundaries. I would have to explode, no doubt about it.

Edward continued pacing and disappeared from my view. When he didn't return, I figured he had opened the French doors and stepped outside. He probably needed some fresh air. I was not concerned. My mind was full to bursting with conflicting thoughts and emotions. Logically, I knew I shouldn't look at this as a rejection, but that's what it felt like. I knew he was just trying to protect me, but I was so tired of hearing that I could scream.

How had we even reached this point? His self-control knew no bounds and mine was pitifully lacking, that's how. I guessed that could sum up our relationship in a nutshell. Despite what he said about not being made of steel, he was Superman and I was the pathetically weak mortal, full of human wants and desires.

I hopped out of the incredibly warm and comfortable bed and made my way to the bathroom. I softly shut the door and turned on the light. I needed to splash some water on my face to calm down. I looked at myself in the mirror over the sink and was surprised to see my lips red and swollen. I knew we had been actively engaged in some very enjoyable kissing, but I had no idea my lips would look like this. But Edward knew what they looked like. Maybe that's why he stopped. He was protecting me, even if I didn't like it. And I had lashed out at him. I started to feel a twinge of guilt.

What did he see in me in the first place? I was so demanding. He had tried to take me on a relaxing vacation and I was torturing him. What was the matter with me? Was there a way I could make this into a bigger fiasco? That was the only one of my abilities I had any confidence in.

I was a total failure. I was so wrong for him. He knew it, too, no matter what he said. His whole family knew I was nothing but trouble. They knew I would never be good enough for him. I thought about what happened when he took me to meet them. I remembered Esme's frown when she confirmed she knew I was what Edward wanted, even though she must have had doubts. She must have known we would have problems trying to make our physical relationship work.

He had said this was painful. He was right about that; it was painful. Because I was torturing him… I was the monster. He was trying so hard to make me happy and it was never enough for me. He was doing everything he could and what was I doing? I was making him feel like he wasn't good enough for me. Like he couldn't ever make me happy. What was wrong with me?

The problem was just being so close to him and not being able to express all of my feelings. I couldn't help it if he was so irresistible. Where was he anyway? I didn't mean for him to take me literally. I didn't really want him to go away, I just needed a little distance to regroup.

I couldn't hear any noise coming from the other room. I decided to investigate. I slipped out of the bathroom as quietly as I could and carefully made my way into the living room. The French doors were closed and he wasn't anywhere to be seen. He must be out there, though. I hadn't heard him go out the front door.

I walked over and opened the French doors. Edward had been standing at the railing, looking out into the depths of the forest but when he heard the doors open he gracefully turned and briskly came toward me.

"It is too cold for you out here, please stay inside." His voice was low and bleak as he came in and closed the doors behind him.

I felt a little stab of pain for making him feel like that. "I… I got cold without you. Can we sit in front of the fireplace?" _I got cold without him_? What was I saying? I didn't care how stupid I sounded. I was sorry for my outburst now, and just wanted to make it up to him. I reached out to him and he hesitantly took my hand and guided me to the sofa.

He waited for me to sit down and then he sat next to me, still holding my hand. The fire was snapping and crackling and the warmth enveloped me. I was starting to feel cautiously optimistic. I turned to look at Edward. His golden eyes were darker and reflected a deep sadness. I felt such a rush of guilt I almost gasped. My words came tumbling out all at once.

"I'm so sorry, Edward. Can you please forgive me? My only excuse is that I don't have your willpower and being alone with you like this is too much of a temptation for me."

"I should be apologizing to you, Bella. Carlisle warned me that this trip might not be such a good idea but I would not listen to him. I was so desperate to be alone with you like this, I did not think it through."

That was all I needed to hear. I launched myself at him and threw my arms around his neck. I felt his cold, strong arms wrap around me and I buried my head against his shoulder. I took a deep breath, inhaling as much of his unique scent as I could. This felt so much better. This was the only place I ever wanted to be.

I felt him chuckle, the sound resonating from his chest. "Bella, I cannot keep up with your moods. I think we need to work out some sort of early warning system."

I pulled back slightly to look at his face. "I can't keep up with my moods either, so don't feel bad, and please don't regret bringing me here. I wouldn't trade being here with you this weekend for anything."

"Does that mean all is forgiven?" He sounded hopeful.

"Yes, yes, don't be silly. You know I can't stay mad at you anyway."

Edward stroked my hair with his long fingers and pressed his lips against my temple. I stayed where I was, almost afraid to move. I was so happy to be in his arms, to have him back and to feel sure of him again, it was a great relief.

I felt the warmth of the fire on my back and snuggled into his chest. Why wasn't this enough for me? Couldn't I be patient just a little while longer?

He was so willing to admit his mistakes, and so eager to make it up to me, as he was proving by this magical trip. I still worried about something unknown taking him away from me before we could be joined together forever. I was too relaxed now to let myself think about that.

Our conversations tonight had reassured me that he was looking forward to our future together as much as I was, and that he would not repeat the mistakes of the past. Maybe our path would never be easy, but as long as we could walk it together we would be fine.

"Are you finally ready to go to sleep?" Edward asked softly.

"I guess so." I knew the battle was over for tonight, but it was only Friday. I had the whole weekend to wage my campaign and I was not going to give up so easily. I had a taste of what being close to Edward was like and intended to pursue that feeling for all it was worth.

He picked me up and carried me back to bed. I got comfortable and he slid in beside me. As he smoothed the blankets he slipped his arm under my neck and I turned to snuggle into the crook of his arm. He kissed my forehead with his cool lips. "I love you, Bella."

"I love you, Edward." I pressed myself closer to him and noticed that it had just started to rain, but the sound of the soft raindrops on the cabin roof was somehow more comforting than disturbing. Snug in this enchanted place, with the sound of the fireplace crackling through the open bedroom doors, and Edward's lullaby humming softly in my ears, I drifted off to sleep, perfectly content.

_**Edward's point of view**_

Ah, my sleeping beauty. My Bella. After what had transpired earlier I could not believe I was able to lie here, holding her so close in my arms. Her warm, soft little body next to my stone cold hard one. I needed a cold shower. No, an ice bath. Yes, that might be helpful. Plunging into a bathtub filled with ice, and staying submerged for a few hours. I would be better off there than where I was. She was pushing me closer and closer to the edge and I feared what would happen when I finally lost control. I could not let that happen, no matter how much I longed for her.

I still couldn't believe that one day she wasn't going to wake up and realize what a monster I was, and run screaming away from me. Since last night's bathtub incident, as I realized I was going to refer to it in my mind, and its aftermath, I didn't know how much more of this I could take before my resolve completely crumbled.

She was driving me wild. As I had told her before: I might not be human but I was still a man. My mind kept wandering to her, tiny and totally defenseless in that huge bathtub last night; the scent rising off of her steamy body, I was torn between wanting to protect her virtue and wanting to pluck her from the water there and then.

Her scent, released in the warm bath water had filled the room and assaulted my senses like a tidal wave. Looking into her beautiful brown eyes, it was so easy and so dangerous to read the expression in them. To know that's what she wanted too didn't make it any easier on me.

When she stood up and tried to come to me, the bubbles sliding down over her moist, pink naked skin – agony and ecstasy. The feel of her warm, wet skin against mine -- a thrill shot threw me from head to toe and it took every ounce of self-control I had to wrap that towel around her and take her into the bedroom.

The bedroom, where I thought she would get into pajamas and calm down. But not my Bella. When I found her pajamas and came back into the bedroom and saw her, lying there, totally exposed and waiting for me, it took my breath away. To see such an expanse of her delicate, silky skin in the candlelight was so exquisite I was sure if I still had a heart it would have broken at that excruciating moment.

She was so beautiful I could hardly force my mind to function at all. That, in turn, made it even more difficult for me to control my body. Had she lost her mind? What in hell was she thinking? She was so innocent, so trusting, just lying there waiting for me. Me, the monster who could end her life in an instant. Certainly not intentionally. I would never let myself lose that kind of control where she was concerned.

I was so angry with myself, and frustrated. I knew it would not be safe to touch her and I had let a feral snarl escape my lips before I even realized it. And she had been smart enough to be frightened by the vicious side of me I tried so hard to fight against and hide from her. I hadn't wanted her blood; it was her body that sang to me now, and a sweeter song I had never heard.

I hated myself even more for sending her scampering for refuge into the bathroom. As if she would have truly been safe in there if I had lost control. I could hear her heart beating frantically and smell the adrenaline pumping wildly, enhancing her already enthralling scent. The monster inside me was raging and I had to run outside to gain some measure of control.

Although I desperately wanted to explore every inch of her, I knew it was not safe in her current mortal state. But I could not bear to think about the day her heart stopped beating. And I could not be the cause of that. It was too painful to contemplate.

I had once told her that the thought of seeing her still, white, cold, to never see her blush scarlet again, to never see that flash of intuition in her eyes when looked into my very being would be unendurable. I did not want to be the cause of that; but I had promised her I would.

I yearned to touch her, kiss her, hold her close to me, to become one with her, but I couldn't take the chance that applying just a fraction too much pressure would crush her. She was so fragile, like a beautiful butterfly. We had discussed this, but she seemed to have no regard for her own personal safety. She had demonstrated this fact over and over, but I still kept hoping she would learn to be more careful. If anything happened to her, I would cease to exist as well.

I had driven her to ask me to leave her bed. One of my nightmares come true. I never wanted to leave her side, but I was afraid to touch her. She was weakening my resolve moment by moment. I could feel my inhibitions being peeled away and it was a new and terrifying sensation. I knew she was frustrated but so was I. This wasn't so much an experiment we were conducting, as it was a trial by fire.

Why must joy and pain be so bound together for us? Together. A word I never believed I would apply to myself and anyone else. After wandering alone for so long I had given up believing that I would ever find anyone who would be so special to me.

Special didn't begin to describe my Bella. She was unique in so many ways. Her scent, the first thing that caught my attention, the thing that almost caused me to end her life only a few minutes after becoming aware of her. I almost threw away everything Carlisle had worked for because I had never felt an urge as strongly as the one I felt for her.

At night like this, although I was unable to sleep, holding her in my arms and watching her sleep was restful, blissful. Watching her breathe, listening to her peaceful heartbeat, breathing in her delicious aroma, and hearing her murmur my name was the sweetest meditation I've ever known. The hours pass like moments and when she awakens I feel refreshed, as if I'd been the one asleep. This is the power she has over me. And I give in to it freely. She nourishes me, even without supplying a drop of her precious blood.

After putting me through an evening of exquisite torture, and when I thought I could take no more, she had finally fallen asleep. I loved to watch her sleep, and I longed to be able to have access to her dreams, which, thankfully, often seemed to be about me; but then I think most of her nightmares were related to me as well.

Bella began dreaming and called my name. This was not unusual but it never failed to thrill me. Then she snuggled closer to me and whispered "Edward, please." I looked down at her upturned face and couldn't resist stealing a kiss. Even in her dream state her lips responded. Such pleasure… more than I hoped for.

When I pulled back to watch her again she pressed her warm, soft body against mine and whispered 'I love you.' I kissed her gently. Her lips were so luscious, so full. I inhaled her delicious freesia scent and felt myself slipping into another dimension.

The longing I felt for her was almost unbearable. My whole body ached for her. Even when I was with her like this. Especially when I was with her like this. She made me feel so alive.

Then she mumbled, "Don't stop, Edward." She still seemed to be in a dream state and I couldn't resist kissing her again. This time she began to return my kiss passionately. Her lips set mine on fire. It was the most pleasant burning and it matched the need I felt for her. I felt her tremble and quiver, and I was sure she was waking up.

I pulled away and she relaxed against me, exhaling deeply. Then the most angelic smile played on her pink lips. Had she been dreaming the whole time? Her breathing and heartbeat were steady; she was definitely asleep now.

At least I seemed to be able to satisfy her in her dreams. That would have to be enough for now, no matter how much we both wanted more.

_**Back to Bella's POV**_

Then it was not raining, but there was a mist hanging in the air. The sky was a great gray blanket. I was in a small clearing, sitting on a large square of brown plaid fabric. The air was still, with no breeze. I could hear unfamiliar birds singing a beautiful song in the trees, and as I looked towards the forest I realized I was alone. Where was Edward? What was I doing here?

Suddenly I felt fear in my heart. I heard a low growl and I looked toward the forest. From under a huge prehistoric-looking fern I saw a pair of golden eyes staring right at me. I was frozen in place, afraid to move and unable to make a sound. I heard a rustling from the forest floor and saw something spring from a crouch and flash through the air toward me. Then I heard a piercing scream.

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**AN: Okay, Friday is finally over. If you haven't been counting, it took ten chapters. Even I can't believe that. I'm thinking that may be some kind of record in the Twilight fanfic zone. And I want to say I'm thrilled that I got so many Story Alerts this week; thank you all very much. It's also very gratifying to see how many of you are adding this to your Favorite Story lists. That helps me out too, because it's a good way of letting other people find this story.  
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**However, you haven't all been reviewing. You know who you are (and so do I). So hit that Review button on the left and drop me a line or two, please. And thanks again to my beta, _not done baking,_ for doing work above and beyond the call of duty. Go read some of her stuff, she's a very talented writer.**


	18. Every Hurt Also Holds a Hidden Gift

_AN: First I want to thank everyone for reading and especially for reviewing. While reading this chapter please take note of a particular line that makes you smile or touches you and let me know about it in your review. Feedback is greatly appreciated. _

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A little recap and then **Chapter 18: Every hurt also holds hidden gifts**

"I love you, Edward." I pressed myself closer to him and noticed that it had just started to rain, but the sound of the soft raindrops on the cabin roof was somehow more comforting than disturbing. Snug in this enchanted place, with the sound of the fireplace crackling through the open bedroom doors, and Edward's lullaby humming softly in my ears, I drifted off to sleep, perfectly content.

Then it was not raining, but there was a mist hanging in the air. The sky was a great gray blanket. I was in a small clearing, sitting on a large square of brown plaid fabric. The air was still, with no breeze. I could hear unfamiliar birds singing a beautiful song in the trees, and as I looked towards the forest I realized I was alone. Where was Edward? What was I doing here?

Suddenly I felt fear in my heart. I heard a low growl and I looked toward the forest. From under a huge prehistoric-looking fern I saw a pair of golden eyes staring right at me. I was frozen in place, afraid to move and unable to make a sound. I heard a rustling from the forest floor and saw something spring from a crouch and flash through the air toward me. Then I heard a piercing scream.

"Bella, Bella, wake up. Wake up now," Edward's velvet voice commanded me. I opened my eyes slowly and shook my head. He took me in his arms and rubbed my back soothingly.

"It's alright, you were having a bad dream. Do you remember what it was?" he asked quietly.

I clutched his neck and took a deep breath. My heart was beating irregularly.

"I don't know what it was, exactly," I started to explain. "I was in the woods by myself and I was looking around for you. Then I saw a pair of golden eyes staring at me from the darkness of the forest, but it wasn't you. It was something scary, and it growled. I was terrified. Then I guess I screamed," I finished hazily.

"Yes, you screamed. Are you sure it wasn't me: the eyes, the growling? Perhaps subconsciously you are more apprehensive about the future than you let on," his voice faltered.

"You aren't the only one with eyes who can growl – don't be ridiculous. It wasn't you; of that much I'm sure. Anyway, I'm not afraid of you; I know you won't ever hurt me. Look, you rescued me from my bad dream. That makes you my hero, again," I tried to comfort him.

I could see Edward was still afraid I would change my mind and leave him before I could become like him. I clung to him and pressed my forehead against his neck, resting my lips on his cool chest. He smoothed my long tangled hair and continued rubbing my back.

After a few minutes like this I felt calmer and said, "It feels early; do you know what time it is?"

"You were asleep for almost eight hours; it's just after seven," he said, still with a note of sadness in his voice.

I straightened up and said, "Well, as unbelievable as it may seem, I'm looking forward to breakfast." I was trying hard to be cheerful. He smiled then but it didn't reach his eyes.

I smiled too and said "I think I need a human moment now."

He immediately released me and I hopped out of bed, scooting into the bathroom and shutting the door. I turned on the hot water and gripped the sink and looked into the mirror. I did look rested, despite my bad dream. What did that dream mean? It couldn't have been him. I wasn't afraid of him. Well, I had to admit that growl last night had been scary, but it was as much my fault as it was his, maybe more. And he would never do anything to hurt me, he simply couldn't.

Who did those frightening eyes in my dream belong to? Maybe it was me. Maybe it was me after I became a vampire. I did have some doubts, but mostly because it was going to be so different, so unfamiliar. I shook my head and splashed some water on my face. I brushed my teeth and combed my hair. I took a few more moments to compose myself. I didn't want Edward to know how much that dream had shaken me. He worried enough without taking on my bad dreams.

When I opened the door, I saw that the bedcovers had been straightened and Edward wasn't there.

I walked towards the living room and noticed that once again the fireplace held a roaring fire and Edward was pouring a cup of hot chocolate from the thermos on the dining table. "Do you want to get back in bed and drink this?" he asked.

I sat down on the sofa in front of the fire and said, "No, bring it to me here, please." If he wanted to spoil me I decided to play along for a change. As he handed me the mug I took a sip and said, "You better be careful, I could get used to this."

That brought on a big smile and as he sat down next to me he said, "That's what I'm hoping for."

"Wow, this hot chocolate is delicious," I said as I snuggled up next to him. He put his arm around me and kissed my neck. "If you're going to do that I'm going to have to put this down before I spill it."

He sat up. "You have a good chance of spilling that hot chocolate whether I'm here or not," he said, eyes twinkling.

"Well, if you're not careful I might spill the whole cup on you, and then you'd have to get out of those clothes," I said, lowering my head and looking at him from under my eyelashes.

"Bella, you seem to have me confused with someone who has no willpower."

"A girl can try. Do I have time to take a shower before we go to the Lodge for breakfast?"

"You have all the time in the world, and they're delivering breakfast here," he replied.

"Great. Maybe I will have one cookie before I test drive that outdoor shower," I mused.

Instantly the dessert box appeared on the sofa next to me. I couldn't imagine ever moving that fast without falling.

I picked up a gingersnap and took a bite. It was sensational. It melted in my mouth with a peppery afterglow. I took another sip of hot chocolate and glanced at Edward. He was watching me intently.

"Edward, am I really that interesting?" I wailed.

"I find you endlessly fascinating. I may not be able to read your mind but I'm becoming better every day at reading your face. When you bit into that cookie for example, your face registered at least a half a dozen expressions. Surprise, delight, wonder, admiration, satisfaction, and longing for another cookie," he laughed. "Go on, you know you want another one."

I sheepishly took another cookie out of the box. "I can't help it. These are the best gingersnaps I've ever had. I don't ever want to leave here, Edward. This place is so magical. What's the average rainfall?" I asked hopefully.

"About forty inches a year, but during El Niño years it's double that," he answered easily.

"Charlie believes that El Niño is an international conspiracy perpetrated by evil roofing contractors," I said cheerfully. I made him laugh and it was a sound I loved hearing. "Can Alice forecast when an El Niño year is coming?" I asked expectantly.

He was still laughing as he said, "I'm not sure it's ever come up before. But they have a lot of fog and overcast days here even when it's not raining. It would definitely be a good place to winter. The Park is full of wildlife; they have an over population of deer."

I finished my drink and set it down on the table beside the sofa. Then I crawled back into his arms and slowly gave him a kiss. "You have designed the perfect weekend getaway. If this is any indication of what our future together is going to be like, I can't wait."

"You are even lovelier when you are graciously accepting one of my gifts. It makes me so happy to know I have pleased you." He was glowing.

I instantly felt guilty for making such a fuss about not wanting presents and surprises. If it made him look like this when I showed some appreciation maybe I could force myself to do it more often. "I'm very happy, too, Edward. Just be careful about spoiling me, you don't want me to turn into a monster."

He smiled but I could tell his mind was elsewhere.

"Bella… do you think we need to talk about what happened last night?"

_Oh holy crap. I was afraid he was going to want to talk about my pushing his limits. I was really afraid he would want to reinstate our old boundaries. I couldn't let that happen. _

"I don't need to talk about it," I muttered under my breath, knowing he would hear me.

He chose to ignore my comment though, and plunged ahead. "I know we agreed to expand our boundaries slowly—"

_No, no, no, he does want to go back to the old rules. I must stop him before he says it._

I quickly interrupted. "I'm sorry I made last night so difficult for you, Edward." _Maybe I could distract him._ "What were you thinking about when you were out on the porch?"

He answered without hesitation. "I was thinking how grateful I am to have met you and how extraordinary it is that you want to be around me."

_Of course I want to be around him, is he crazy? He had been out there for a long time, though. I knew he had to have been thinking more than that. _

"And…" I prompted.

He hesitated for a moment, looking deep into my eyes. "And how difficult it is to control my desire for you," he admitted.

I couldn't help but smile and I leaned my forehead against his shoulder to hide the blush I felt coming.

He placed his hand on my cheek and said, "I can feel you blushing. Does it have anything to do with your desire for me?"

"Of course it does," I mumbled into his chest.

He moved his hand under my chin and pulled my face up so he could see it. "You are so beautiful, Bella."

"It's like looking in a mirror, isn't it?" I wisecracked.

He smiled and said, "You are absurd, but I adore you. I am putty in your hands."

"That's not exactly true, Edward. If I had my way we would still be in bed and that's where we would stay, all day. Am I ever going to get you out of your clothes?"

I was teasing but he looked serious.

"Bella, did it ever occur to you… that I might be worried I'll be a disappointment to you?"

"No, are you kidding? In the first place, that's physically impossible. I already think you look better than a Greek god, and in the second place… wait a minute. Just thinking about you in all your glory has made me lose my train of thought. There's no way I could be disappointed in you." I gazed up at him. "I might need paramedics, but it wouldn't be from disappointment, I can guarantee that," I muttered under my breath.

His eyes flickered but he said calmly, "As much as I would enjoy your suggestion, something tells me it is not the safest way to spend Saturday. I think we need to get you out of this cabin and the sooner the better."

"Yeah, because I can't attract any danger out in public," I taunted, thinking of too many accidents and untoward situations I had gotten myself into.

He chuckled. "Yes, you can find trouble wherever you go, but I think the greater risk lies in that bed." He held me to him, breathing in my scent. His fingers ran affectionately through my hair.

"Edward, that reminds me of something I wanted to ask you. I understand you're afraid you'll injure me, but even if you did, couldn't you just change me right then? I mean, I would be okay with it."

"Bella," he sounded shocked, as I was afraid he would. "Is that the way you want it to come about? As a result of my loss of control?"

"Frankly, Edward, I don't think I have a problem with that. To me it would be happening because of your love for me. That's why it's going to happen anyway, isn't it, because we love each other? I just want you to know that if it does happen like that, I'm fine with it. Don't feel guilty."

I felt his body tense and his mouth was set in a grim line. He looked like he was having a difficult time controlling himself.

"How is it so easy for you to say something like that?" He gripped my shoulders and locked his eyes with mine. "I would feel horribly guilty, and if it were to happen here, in this cabin, away from the family, I would be frantic."

"I'm sorry, I didn't think about that. I'm kind of focused on the end result, not the process. I just don't want you to feel guilty, no matter what happens." He relaxed his grip on my shoulders and slid his arms around my back. He exhaled deeply.

"Because I want this, Edward, I want all of it. I want all of you." I pressed myself against his chest again, wrapping my arms around him. I felt his hands rubbing my back and he kissed the top of my head.

"It is so like you to be thinking about relieving my guilt. You surely are an angel."

"Last night I bet you thought I was a devil."

"No, a goddess and a temptress perhaps, but never a devil."

"I know I went a little too far last night, but it's getting harder to control myself around you."

"The image of you in that bathtub, Bella, you were a vision. Like Venus rising from the sea; no, more alluring. Beyond description. I nearly lost it then, and just when I thought everything would calm down I turned around and saw you lying on the bed. Bella, if my heart were beating I would surely have gone into cardiac arrest at that moment."

I blushed, but I was confused. "You sounded so angry."

"I was angry. I was angry with myself because I could feel my control rapidly slipping away. I wanted nothing more than to make love to you. I could see it happening… and I was afraid," he said quietly.

"I wanted you, too, Edward. I wish you weren't afraid."

"One of us needs to be. I think you are right about this experimentation, but we must go slowly. You were going about two hundred miles over the speed limit last night."

"Are you going to give me a ticket, Officer?"

"If you are not more careful I will suspend your license, young lady," he sternly. "This time I will let you off with just a warning."

"I will try to be good, but I can't help it that you're so irresistible."

"If you mean that, we could elope to Las Vegas. We could get married today," he suggested.

"Edward!" I was shocked. "What are you, drunk?"

"Well, I was just thinking we could begin our life together today if you were so inclined," he hastened to explain, looking as if he were a drowning man, clutching onto a life preserver.

I wondered if my attempts at seduction last night had anything to do with this sudden desire to get married today. Even if I had not reached my goal perhaps I had made more progress than I thought.

"I love you, Edward. I'm always going to love you. I want to be with you forever, but Alice would kill us if we eloped – she is having so much fun planning the wedding. Then there's Esme and Renee, oh my goodness, Renee would die if I eloped. Not to mention Charlie would probably try to kill you. It's just not going to happen," I concluded.

"Can't blame a guy for trying," he shrugged and my favorite crooked smile made a welcome appearance. It almost made me reconsider a trip to that oasis in the desert, littered with wedding chapels.

"Besides, don't we have a lot more to do this weekend? That shower for instance. Can I get you to test drive it with me?" I tried to sound as inviting as possible.

"Bella, you are incorrigible! What am I going to do with you?" He was almost growling.

"Still can't blame a girl for trying, and I'm never going to stop trying with you, so you might as well get used to it," I called over my shoulder as I got off the sofa and headed for the shower.

_**Edward's point of view**_

As I watched Bella scamper off to take a shower I already missed her touch, her warmth. Everything about her was lovely, and she was so modest. One day I would convince her just how unparalleled her beauty was. If it took forever I would happily try.

To see her blood coursing under that thin membrane of delicate creamy skin, and the rosy flush on her cheeks still almost drove me mad at times. Last night was one of those times. I couldn't stop thinking about it, especially after our conversation this morning. My mind kept going back to how I desperately wanted to cross that room and be by her side in an instant. Now that I've seen her like that, naked and wet, so still and yet so alive, my perfect photographic memory won't stop recalling those moments of splendid torture.

In the gray light of morning, I was finally able to face what had stopped me cold last night. As I had approached the bed she clutched the pillow and in that small movement I saw the candlelight fall on the small, crescent-shaped scar on her right hand and I froze.

The memory of how James gave her that scar because I didn't get there quickly enough to save her sent a jolt of pain through my whole body. Remembering the torture of sucking the venom out, mixed with the taste of her sweet blood was almost too much to bear at that moment. I never wanted to go through that again.

She was the most precious thing on earth to me, and I would do anything to protect her, even if I had to protect her from myself. If I couldn't control my instincts she would be lost, and all hope of our future together would be lost as well.

Last night when I heard a low growl involuntarily escape my lips I was horrified, as was she. I tossed the bag of pajamas on the bed and retreated to the living room, concentrating on maintaining control of myself against almost insurmountable odds. At first I couldn't tell if I had frightened her or merely disappointed her again.

Then as she got up off the bed I could smell the fear rolling off her like a tidal wave. She was afraid of me. I had warned her so many times that she should be afraid of me but it was sheer torture when I realized that she was. I had struck terror into her sweet, gentle heart.

When, in reality, all I had wanted was to take her in my arms and never let her go. To feel her skin touching mine as I explored every inch of her body, kissing and caressing her all night long. Instead, I made her retreat into the bathroom shaking with fear. It just confirmed for me what a monster I was.

She was so pure and innocent. All she wanted was to be loved and I couldn't even do that right. She deserved someone better than me. Someone she didn't have to give up her life for. If I had thought I was cursed before now I was sure of it.

Then there was her nightmare to worry about. Was it a direct result of my frightening her last night? I wasn't convinced that she didn't know who was leaping out of the forest to attack her. I was fairly sure it was me… she just didn't want to admit it. I must have shaken her to her core with my idiotic behavior.

Over time I had become much better at gaining control over my instincts but she didn't seem to realize that even I had a limit. Being so close to her made it both better and worse. I felt like I was racing up to the edge and then pulling myself back, over and over.

I wasn't sure how much longer I could maintain that delicate balance.

This morning I wanted to shake some sense into her. It was a very close thing. How could she be so cavalier with her life? She sat there and gave me permission to ravish her and, if I lost control because I was too rough with her or if I gave in to the monster that craved her blood, it would be 'fine' with her. Was she clinically insane?

I had been seething with rage but I couldn't let her know how deeply she upset me because I didn't want to frighten her again. Talk about your worst nightmare coming true.

If only she knew how much I longed to make love to her without any restraint. I wanted to throw her on the bed, tear away her flimsy garments, run my hands over her soft, warm flesh and cover her with kisses. I wanted the flames of my desire to ignite within her until she begged me to end my sweet torture and she cried out my name in ecstasy. This was what occupied my mind when she slept so peacefully in my arms. She probably thought I was made of ice… if she only knew.

As long as she was human and I was not, my fantasy could never happen. Not the way I wanted it; not as much as I knew she wanted it, too. My razor sharp teeth could slice through her creamy porcelain skin in a heartbeat, releasing her sweet life's blood that still sang to me, only so very softly now. As long as I maintained control of my baser instincts she would be safe.

Did her humanity mean so little to her? She was so intelligent and perceptive, how could she say something like that to me? The thought of taking her life was abhorrent to me and nothing she said was going make me feel better about it. I knew I was out of options and it must be done sooner or later, but I still preferred later.

We were both virgins and I wanted our first time together to be something special, sacred. That was one of the reasons I insisted we wait until we were married. That, and the fact that I was afraid I either wouldn't be able to please her or I would lose control and kill her. Neither of those outcomes gave me any confidence, and I was well aware that they were both definite possibilities. She was so incredibly breakable, as she had proven numerous times.

When we had been reunited in Volterra and I heard from Alice about Bella's close relationship with Jacob I had briefly wondered if I had been too late and she was no longer a virgin. It had been difficult to tell just by looking at her, as she had changed so much from the happy girl I had so cruelly deserted. The way she had so readily taken me back and demanded to become a vampire so she could be with me had quelled those doubts.

After my first encounter with Jacob I was sure they had not been as physically close as I had feared. He would have enjoyed rubbing my nose in it too much if anything untoward had happened between them. That would come later, unfortunately. Just the thought of him kissing her was enough to raise my ire; I had to put that out of my mind. She was mine now; all mine. I would be the only one to possess her, body and soul. She would never be with that dog or anyone else. I would never let another mistake like that happen again. I would never be such a fool again.

I felt like I was walking a tightrope made out of some of Charlie's fishing line while Bella was busy trying to strike a match to the whole set up.

I told her what seeing her vulnerable and exposed last night did to me, but I don't think she understands. I'm afraid she only feels the rejection and not the love. And I can't blame her; if she is feeling one-tenth the frustration I am it must be unbearable. I need to go for a run. Perhaps I could get in a short run while she's in the shower.

I was feeling warm, just thinking about Bella in the shower. That was the power she had over me. Thinking about the water droplets running down over her delicate, feminine curves. I had seen naked women before but no one ever compared to her. She made me feel so alive, so human. She was almost irresistible and I didn't know how much longer I could restrain myself. She made every inch of me feel like a man. Her body was calling to me and it was getting harder and harder to ignore that call.

_**Bella POV**_

I grabbed the fluffy white bathrobe off the hook of the bathroom door and put it on the bench next to the frosted glass door that led to the outdoor shower. Then I stepped outside to inspect the shower. It was enclosed on two sides with walls made of large fieldstones, stacked like bricks, and the rest of the area was open to the bathroom, with the outside wall of the cabin making the final side.

Totally surrounded by tall Douglas fir and Redwood trees the dim morning light softly filtered through the branches. I could hear birds singing and a feeling of tranquility swept over me. The morning dew looked like thousands of tiny pearls covering every surface.

I turned on the shower. It had one of those enormous flat showerheads that looked kind of like a sunflower. While the water was warming up I went back into the bathroom and undressed, then picked up a bath towel and stepped outside.

I found shampoo, conditioner, and soap, everything I would need in a wire basket on the rock wall next to the shower. I washed and rinsed my face and stepped out of the shower stream to shampoo my hair. As I worked up a good lather, through the frosted glass door I could see the bathroom door slowly open and the room flood with light from the bedroom.

I froze. My heart started to race, at first unsure of who opened the door. Then I recognized Edward's silhouette, and that made my heart take off in a sprint. Maybe I was irresistible after all. Crap, crap, crap, why hadn't I left that frosted glass door open?

I saw Edward approach the door and put his hand on the knob. My heart was now pounding so hard I was sure he could hear it, ten feet away. I stepped under the shower and started to rinse my hair. I turned my back to the door, thinking it might be easier for him to open it if I wasn't staring at it.

Rinsing all the shampoo out of my hair, I slowly started turning to face the door again. He was gone. The bathroom was dark again. I burst into tears, the flow from the shower rinsing them away as soon as they touched my cheeks. I rested my head against the rock wall and sobbed bitterly.

I knew I shouldn't feel rejected, but I did, and it hurt. It felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. I knew he was just trying to protect me but I felt so frustrated I wanted to scream. I cried quietly for a minute and then stepped under the shower again. I had to get control of myself. I let the water run over me and wash away my fears.

In just a few weeks we would be married and we would be together forever. I could lie in his strong arms every night and no one could separate us. I could finally kiss him the way I wanted to, and the two of us would come together as one, at last. If that was Edward's plan I would just have to accept it, and try to enjoy the time we had together now. However, eloping to Vegas was beginning to sound like a good idea.

I stepped out of the shower, dried off and went into the bathroom. On the edge of the sink I noticed a candle flickering and a small vase holding a sprig of lavender. Edward must have put them there. I put the bathrobe on, sat down on the bench and combed my wet hair. I took deep breaths and tried to put myself in Edward's shoes.

He had never been in love before either. This was all as new to him as it was to me, even if he had been on earth a lot longer than I had. He wanted me as much as I wanted him, but he was just afraid. It was hard to imagine my strong, powerful vampire soul mate afraid of anything but he was afraid of hurting me, crushing me, killing me.

I hated to admit it, but maybe he was right. I remembered the demonstration he provided by breaking off a piece of his bed and crushing it to dust in a nanosecond. As much as I tried to ignore it at the time, it had made an impression.

I was afraid, too, but not of Edward. I was afraid something dreadful would happen that would prevent us from getting married and being together forever. As long as I was mortal it was possible for some disaster to befall me. Our path had not been an easy one so far, and who knew what lay ahead? I had stumbled, in more ways than one, on the way to our wedding, but I was trying to put that out of my mind and just concentrate on my future with Edward.

I felt much calmer now. I opened the door to the bedroom and paused for a moment. The bed was empty. I took a step forward and looked toward the living room. He was sitting on the sofa, looking into the blazing fire, running a hand through his unruly hair.

He turned when he heard me take a step, and I looked into his topaz eyes and saw a deep sadness. I couldn't stand to see him look like that, knowing it was my fault. I couldn't help myself; I ran to him as fast as I could. He opened his arms and I threw myself into them, tears running down my face.

"Bella, don't cry," he pleaded. "Tell me what's the matter."

"I'm sorry, Edward," I gulped. "Can you forgive me?" I sobbed against his shoulder.

"Bella, please stop apologizing; I am the one in the wrong," he said, bewildered.

I wiped my nose on the hem of the bathrobe, and tried to stop crying. The tears were still welling up though.

"I'm sorry about tempting you. I just realized it must be as difficult for you as it is for me," I tried to explain.

"Oh, that," he said, sounding embarrassed. "Well, yes, it's very difficult for me. I almost lost the battle a few minutes ago. Did you see me?"

I nodded. "I saw you and I wanted you to open that door. I was cursing myself for not leaving it open." Tears continued leak from the corners of my eyes.

He brushed his lips across my face then, drying my tears. His lips were so tender, so gentle as they worked their way across my cheeks. I held still and let him continue his delicate job. I knew what he was doing. He wanted to taste my tears. He wanted to taste the very essence of me. He wanted to taste all of me.

If I told the truth, I would have to say I liked it. I knew it was dangerous but something about how he never seemed to be able to get enough of me made me feel wanted. He had been first attracted to me because of my blood, so I had to be grateful that the combination of my parent's DNA had produced something so unusual.

I couldn't blame him. I loved the way he smelled. Pressing my nose against his chest and inhaling the sweet nectar that he exuded was heaven to me. I just hoped I smelled half as good to him. I longed for the day when we didn't have to be so careful with each other. I wanted to be able to kiss him the way I only imagined doing, and I would be thrilled when he could actually bite me and leave only the evidence of love and not death.

He had pulled me into his lap and tried to comfort me. "After the bath last night, and then your nightmare this morning, I'm a little off balance," he explained, tightening his grip around my waist. "Can you forgive me?"

"There is nothing to forgive. My nightmare was not about you, I'm sure of that," but I was afraid to tell him that I thought it might be about me. I had stopped crying but my eyelashes were still wet.

"Well, whatever, this being together every minute of the day and night is more of a challenge than I thought it would be," he said.

My eyes widened in shock and I sat up straight. This trip had been his idea and now he was complaining about being alone with me?

He must have been startled by the look in my eyes because he quickly said, "I didn't mean it like that; I love being with you, it's just so difficult to keep my hands off of you. You have no idea how desirable you are."

I relaxed against him. "I know what you mean, Edward. I feel the same way about you," I smiled.

He looked deep into my eyes. "Bella, you have a enchanting body and an even more beautiful soul," I was blushing beet red as he continued, "and I'm not going to be responsible for," he paused, searching for the right word, "for harming either one of them," he finished.

He took my hands and kissed them. "We still have a lot to learn about each other. I want to explore every inch of you, but in your current fragile state I don't dare," he said softly.

I sighed, and said, "At least now I know you really want me the way I want you."

"Bella, I told you once before I am a man, and you've become an exquisitely beautiful woman right before my eyes."

I couldn't help it; I blushed again.

"You already drive me wild with desire. I yearn for all of you, in every way," he said ardently.

"I want you too, Edward. In every way," I breathed.

"Bella, your thirst for me does not threaten my life. I am so afraid of losing control where you are concerned. You don't seem to understand the risk." I started to interrupt, to tell him he would be able to maintain control, but he put his finger to my lips and said, "No, you must listen. There are things we haven't discussed. Perhaps this is the time to start talking about them."

I gulped. I knew we needed to have this discussion but I was dreading it.

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**AN: Time for that review now: hit that button on the left and Go. I want to thank my beta, not done baking, for all her hard work. Another friend, Ranma15177 has also agreed to offer her insight and skills to help shape and refine this tale from this point on. I'm very lucky and grateful to have help like this, so cheerfully given. Ranma15177 has a wonderful story about how Carlisle and Esme got together; it's called **_**Making A Home**_** and if you like my story I bet you'll like hers, too. You can get to her through a link in my Favorites lists. Check it out.**


	19. Peace, Love & Understanding: B & E POV

_AN: I have the greatest bunch of reviewers. So many of you review every chapter, and I keep you in mind when I'm writing, wondering how you will react to the latest twist. I enjoy the writing process, but you all make it even more fun. Evidently I have some very shy readers, too. _

_From the stats on this story I know how many of you are reading this, and the vast majority have not left a review. Come on, do it this time. Let me hear from you. While reading this chapter please take note of a particular line that makes you smile or touches you and let me know about it in your review. Feedback is greatly appreciated. This is a long chapter, so get a snack and settle in._

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Chapter 19: _**Peace, Love and Understanding**_

Early Saturday morning

"Your desire for me does not threaten my life. I am so afraid of losing control where you are concerned. You don't seem to understand the risk." I started to interrupt, to tell him he would be able to maintain control, but Edward put his finger to my lips and said, "No, you must listen. There are things we haven't discussed, but maybe this is the time to start talking about them."

I gulped. I knew we needed to have this discussion but I was dreading it. I bit my lip and gazed up at him expectantly from my position in his lap on the sofa.

"My teeth are very sharp, and my mouth is full of venom. If any of it were to accidentally get in your bloodstream, it could be devastating," he explained gently.

I thought about that for a moment as the fireplace continued to crackle and hiss. He was very still, letting his words sink in.

"I already know that; but I think you would be able to control yourself," I managed to suggest.

"It is not that simple, Bella. You always have more faith in me than I deserve," he said wistfully. "I have to… it pains me to have to tell you this, but it seems to be the only way you will understand why…" he trailed off, obviously searching for the right words.

I looked into his eyes and saw an ancient sadness. I had seen this look once before, when he told me he didn't know how to fight against Jake's human qualities and it sent a chill down my spine. I longed to be able to do something to banish that look forever, but I felt helpless. I waited for him to compose himself and continue. When he spoke his voice was low and intense.

"Although I want to be with you more than anything, when you throw yourself at me unexpectedly and kiss me, the venom automatically fills my mouth and I have to keep my jaw clenched and swallow hard before I even react to you. My throat burns, and the instinct is there, whether I want it to be or not. I will not hurt you, Bella; I want you to know that. But there isn't a second when I am with you that I can afford to lose control. Can you see why loving you the way I want to is so difficult?"

I could tell how much it hurt him to have to explain this to me and I immediately felt guilty for being so selfish, pushy and thoughtless.

"Yes, Edward, I'm so sorry; you do such a good job that I forget what you're going through just to be with me. You really do make it look easy," I sought to reassure him.

"Don't ever apologize for being human, Bella. It's my problem; I am the monster," he said, looking down at our hands, clasped together.

"Stop saying that. As far as I'm concerned you are Superman and you prove it every second you're with me. You're always considerate of my feelings, you do everything you can to make sure I'm happy… and I appreciate how you show how much you respect me, Edward. I never have to worry that you are going to do something I will be uncomfortable with or that you would try to embarrass me on purpose. You are my dream come true. I'm the monster for taking you for granted and being so oblivious to what you are going through," I said forcefully.

"You are a sweet, innocent spirit who should not have to deal with this at all," he said softly, gazing into my eyes again.

"I would deal with anything to be with you, Edward. It doesn't matter."

He smiled then, but it was a heartbreaking smile. I could see that he was torn between being happy with my answer and sad that he had to remind me of just what kind of agony he had to endure to be around me.

"My love for you makes me strong, Bella. Believe me when I say I want you, but losing you is my greatest fear, and I just can't do anything to put you at risk."

It made me so glad to hear that losing me was his greatest fear that it was almost worth all the anguish of waiting. I relaxed against him.

"Losing you is my greatest fear, too," I confessed.

"Aren't we a pair?" He smiled the crooked smile I loved so much.

"I know that there's no one else in the world for me but you, Edward." I was so relieved to be able to say that and mean it.

"I've waited more years than I want to remember until I met you," he sighed.

I hated thinking about him being alone for so long, but I was happy that fate finally brought us together. I snuggled into his chest and took a deep breath, trying to inhale as much of his scent as possible.

"Have you ever thought about all the elements that had to coincide just perfectly in order for us to meet?" he inquired thoughtfully.

"Not only meet, but for me to sit next to you in Biology," I added. "I have to admit, I was immediately attracted to you, no matter how bizarrely you acted."

"The serendipity of that moment, if you can call it that, was amazing. Especially since although I liked Forks, I was dreading going to high school again. When I first saw you in the cafeteria, and I realized I could not access your thoughts, I was frustrated. I had to listen to the small mind of Jessica Stanley to find out anything about you, and I had the impulse to try and protect you from her. She appeared to be your friend but her thoughts were far from amicable."

"So your first impulse was to protect me?" That seemed appropriate, since I needed someone to watch over me; left to my own devices I would fall off a cliff. Fall, jump, whatever. I was a walking, talking danger magnet and he knew it too, from the very start.

"Yes, I wanted to keep any harm from befalling you, even if it was only Jessica's unpleasant feelings toward you. But then you walked into that Biology classroom and I was nearly undone. I behaved abominably; sometimes I still cannot believe we are together like this," he tightened his grip on my waist.

I thought it was hard to believe, too. He was so extraordinary and I was just the opposite.

"When you accepted me, you changed everything, my Bella. That was the beginning of my life," he stated simply. "We've been through so much together and these next few weeks are going to be hard for both of us, but we can get through them as long as we have each other. I've waited a very long time for you, but you're worth the wait. I just hope I don't disappoint you," he said wistfully. He slowly rubbed his hand across my back and trailed kisses down my neck.

"Edward, why do you think I would be disappointed? You know I think you do everything perfectly."

"There are certain areas where I have had no… practice. It doesn't make it any easier that we have these differences that will prohibit… well, this is what we need to talk about," he mumbled, clearly nervous.

"You couldn't disappoint me, Edward. It's not possible. You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen, the most thoughtful, the most gentle; I know you will be perfect. My lack of experience is more of a problem… sometimes I think I don't deserve you," I admitted, wanting to postpone this discussion as long as I could.

"Don't ever say that. It is I who have done nothing to deserve you," he said adamantly.

I looked into his golden eyes. "I love you," I whispered. "Not that you have to, but you've done plenty to deserve me. You've saved my life, not once, but several times. Just Tyler's van would have been enough. I know that you would make any sacrifice for me," I said, speaking from my heart.

"You're the one who's going to be making the sacrifice. You want to give up your life, your soul, to be with me. It doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem just," he protested, running his hand through his bronze hair roughly.

I reached up with my hand to touch his face. He nuzzled his face into my hand as he closed his eyes inhaling my scent.

I leaned back and waited so I could look into his eyes. I wanted to make sure he understood what I was going to say.

"You only look at what you think I'll be missing. You have to look at what I'll be gaining. First of all, we can finally be together forever. That's kind of a big thing, Edward. Of course I will miss Charlie and Renee, but if I were to go to college in the East I wouldn't see them very much for the next four years anyway. If I met and married someone there, it's possible that I could move to somewhere in Europe, and I wouldn't see them very much either."

"Who is this someone you are going to marry and run off to Europe with?" He sounded concerned.

"Don't be silly. I'm just saying if I never met you that might have happened. So you don't have to feel so bad about my leaving Charlie and Renee, because I would be leaving them anyway, one way or another. You know I never planned on spending my whole life in Forks."

He seemed satisfied with that answer, so I continued. "I will have Carlisle and Esme, and I know they will love me just as if I was their own child," I continued.

"They already do," Edward offered.

"Alice and I will be true sisters, and Emmett will be the big brother I never had. Jasper will finally be totally comfortable around me, and Rosalie . . . well, she's getting used to me," I smiled weakly at him as I said these last words.

"Bella, are you sure you don't want to have children?" He sounded so serious it was unnerving.

I buried my head in his shoulder. I wished he would stop asking me that.

"I just don't see children in my future, Edward." I had seen them, in a future that included Jacob, but I had turned my back on that version of the future. I was not really the maternal type, anyway. I was too dangerous to be around small, defenseless infants, and I was too selfish to have kids. I knew what I wanted in my future, and that was Edward. He was more than enough.

His voice was gentle when he spoke again. "That's not what I asked. Are you sure you don't want to have a baby?"

He was not going to let this drop. How many ways could I say this? Then a thought occurred to me. Maybe he was sorry he couldn't have children. He had never shown any interest in them, but he was close to his family.

I needed to say something to make him think that kids were out of the question for me, regardless of my husband, so our not having a baby was not his fault. I raised my head slowly and gently kissed his perfect lips. I had to help him understand.

Softly I said, "Edward, have you ever thought that even if I did want to have a baby it might not be possible? I mean… I might not even be able to get pregnant."

There were so many painful things that had happened while he had been gone that I had never talked with him about; maybe this would be a good time to be totally honest.

"Do you want to see a doctor, a specialist, about that?"

"No! That's not what I meant." For someone so smart sometimes he could be very dense, especially where human girls were concerned. Well, maybe I would have to cut him some slack on that front. I might as well tell him outright; maybe it would make him feel better if he thought I couldn't have kids no matter how long I remained human. This wasn't going to be easy though; in order to get to the good part I was going to have to cover some very rough ground.

"Those months when you were gone," I felt his body tense and he stopped breathing. Oh, this was going so well already. I plunged ahead. "My body just shut down. I couldn't sleep, and I had a very hard time swallowing, so I didn't eat very much."

"I know; I couldn't believe how much weight you had lost when I saw you in Volterra. You were like a shadow of yourself and I will never forgive myself for doing that to you."

This was turning out all wrong. "No, Edward, you didn't do that to me; I did it to myself." He opened his mouth but I put my finger against his lips before he could speak.

"Let me finish. I should never have believed your lie. Somewhere deep inside me I knew you still loved me. How could I feel the way I did about you and not know that you felt the same way about me? It was all like a horrible nightmare I couldn't wake up from. When you left it was like you had taken half of my heart with you, well maybe more than half. The pain was almost unbearable. You already know about this."

I saw my hurt reflected in the depths of his golden eyes. I took a deep breath and continued.

"I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty; please don't feel bad. My life was so out of control that my body slowly shut down. Parts of it stopped functioning altogether. Even now I'm what you could call irregular, in more ways than one. So I don't think I could get pregnant even if I wanted to, which I don't."

That wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be. I felt better saying it out loud.

"I know." He sounded sad again.

_What?_ "What do you mean you 'know'?"

"Bella, I hold two medical degrees and besides that, my vampire senses are highly attuned to you."

Not for the first time in my life did I wonder if it was possible to die of embarrassment. So he already knew I was irregular. He knew it would probably be difficult for me to conceive a baby. What else did he know about me?

"What do you mean by 'highly attuned' exactly?"

"My sense of smell is so far beyond what a human can sense. Where you are concerned I'm highly aware of the chemical reactions that go on in your body at a cellular level. I can sense your emotions through the changes in your scent. When you are afraid you smell differently than when you are happy or … excited." His voice dropped and got a bit husky on the last word.

I think my face found a new shade of red. He gently leaned toward me and placed his cool, smooth cheek against my hot one. The feeling of relief was instant, like putting an ice pack on a sprain. His hand was rubbing soothing circles on my back.

His velvet voice whispered, "You don't have to ever be embarrassed about _anything_ with me. I will always love you, and I find your blushing adorable, whatever the reason."

He had to be the sweetest man on earth, human or vampire. How did I get so lucky? I reached my hand up and placed it on his other cheek. "I love you, Edward. Always and forever."

He held me tighter and pressed his lips against my neck. I slipped my hand into his hair and stoked the back of his neck. Then he raised his head and looked into my eyes.

"Please don't take this the wrong way. We need to have this discussion. Carlisle and Esme both talked to me before we left and warned me that there were things you and I needed to address before the wedding."

My heart skipped a beat. This sounded ominous. This wasn't at all the way I had hoped this discussion would go.

"Esme is going to want to have a talk with you when we get back, if you want to talk to her. I suppose it's the kind of talk a mother would have with her daughter before she gets married, but the kind of things Esme wants to tell you are not things your own mother knows anything about."

Oh, goody. Sounds like I was going to get a crash course on the birds and the bees, vampire style. That won't be embarrassing. "Like what, exactly?"

"There are certain differences between humans and vampires that you need to be aware of, besides the obvious of course."

"Let's nail down the obvious, for the human here."

"Strength, speed, sight, hearing, smell, taste and touch. Within those categories, there are things we experience that humans do not."

This sounded interesting. "For example?"

"You know I hear your heart beat from across the room?"

"Yes, it sometimes sounds so loud I think you _must_ be able to hear it."

"I can actually hear it from where we parked the car. Sometimes I think I can hear it from a half a mile away. I can pick your heartbeat out in a crowd, Bella. That, combined with your scent makes it much easier for me to find you."

Vampires had more in common with bloodhounds than they thought; what was I thinking? Maybe that's why they call them bloodhounds, duh.

"When I touch you…" He held my hand up and kissed my palm. Every time he did that I felt a spark shoot from my hand straight to my heart but I had never told him that.

He continued. "Just the merest touch of your skin on mine shoots lightening sparks through my whole body. I feel alive."

"I feel that too, Edward. Why do you think my heart beats so loudly and I turn eighteen shades of red when you get anywhere near me?"

"Yes," he smiled, "but as much as you feel, my feelings are even more intense. Try to imagine what you feel and then multiply that by a thousand." He waited.

"I understand that your senses are magnified, but I find it hard to believe that what you feel for me is more intense than what I feel for you," I protested.

"I wish you could understand how thrilled and gratified I am to know you feel that way. Please know that I am not trying to diminish what you feel in any way." He paused, as if searching for the right words. "I know you can comprehend my strength, and my speed when running through the forest with you on my back. Just try to understand that my feelings about you are magnified in the same way."

I thought about that. I could understand his strength, speed and hearing. I nodded.

"Bella, you already inspire emotions in me that I have never felt before. My body also reacts to you in ways I never imagined. Just the touch of your hand on my face makes me feel as if I will explode. Kissing you, feeling your warm lips against mine… I swear I can feel my still heart racing. The anticipation of being with you as man and wife is sometimes almost more than I can bear."

If he kept talking like that I wasn't going to be able to control myself; I felt my cheeks getting hot. So all his vampire senses were in overdrive because of me. It made sense that they would be magnified, too. Wow. I had a lot to look forward to. I couldn't help but be excited about this prospect.

"Alright. I'm trying to understand that everything about you is more intense. Does that happen the moment someone is changed?" I inquired, barely able to conceal my glee.

His expression immediately turned dark. "Yes. When you… wake up, all your senses will be intensified." He didn't sound happy about that but I was.

"Then you will understand that the depth of my feelings match yours. It will be nice when we are both equal." That would give him something to think about.

Then he smiled. "We will never be equal, Bella. You will always be far superior to me."

I had begun to frown and then I closed my eyes and shook my head. When I opened my eyes I was looking into his, reflecting only love for me. I wanted him to know I would always think he was superior. "You will always be my angel, Edward, now and forever. That will never change."

"I'm always amazed by the faith you have in me. However, it is these differences in intensity that keep our physical relationship from going much further. According to Carlisle it would not be safe for you to experience… everything."

"Has Carlisle ever made love to a human? How does he know it wouldn't be safe?"

"Of course he hasn't. But he is a doctor with a couple of hundred years of experience, with both vampires and humans. He knows what their capacities are… and you are one of nature's more fragile creatures anyway. I have to trust him on this, Bella."

"You were ready in the meadow—"

"It would have been a big mistake. I could have killed you. I am so glad we stopped, although I wasn't at the time."

This was definitely not the news I wanted to hear. At least he didn't say we had to stop exploring the limits of our boundaries. I would just have to focus on the good news. "As long as I know that you love me I can wait. It won't be easy, but I will do it. Forever just can't come soon enough for me," I grumbled.

I saw understanding reflected in his topaz eyes. "You are so wise for someone so young," he said, brushing my cheek with the back of his hand and holding me even closer. He gave me a slow, sweet kiss and then tucked my head under his chin.

I was surprised that I felt a lot better after this talk I had been dreading. We were finally beginning to deal openly with the things that had been frightening both of us. He held me for a long time, kissing the top of my head and playing with my hair.

Finally he said, "Why don't you get dressed and I'll check on breakfast?"

"Okay; what are we doing today?" I asked cheerfully.

"After breakfast I thought we'd go for a hike," he replied, sounding like he has something else planned as well.

"A hike?" I was skeptical. Did he plan on checking out the emergency rooms in northern California, too?

"I will do the hiking; you can enjoy the scenery," he said smoothly.

Sure, I thought. You've planned this outdoor activity for someone who can manage to find a way to get hurt by merely standing up. Hmm, maybe Carlisle is right after all.

I reluctantly left him on the sofa and walked back into the bathroom and noticed that sitting in front of the roaring fire had almost dried my hair completely. I brushed it a few times and it fell into soft waves. This worked better than the blow dryer. Maybe there was something to be said for the old fashioned way.

Edward's lecture about how we had to wait until I was no longer human to proceed with a physical relationship was not something I had wanted to hear. Despite what I just told him, I was ready to try anyway, but I wouldn't push him anymore. If things were to unfold naturally however, I would be ready. If the worst did occur and he did injure me, even fatally, he would still have time to change me right then.

I wouldn't care; if it had to happen that way, at least I could be sure it _would _happen. This waiting was really starting to work on my nerves. Of course having to be changed that way was probably not the most pleasant way to commemorate our 'first time.' I could just imagine the guilt Edward would put on himself, and I would have to hear 'I told you so,' until the end of time. Maybe it would be worth it. I was willing to take the chance.

I should stop tempting him, if not for my sake, at least for his. Edward already took the blame for enough things without my piling on something new. I should be trying to make his life easier, not harder.

It was just so difficult to be alone with him in this romantic place and not want to get even closer. Maybe this was what his struggle with my blood was like. He was so much stronger than me, in every way.

I suddenly had a flash of my nightmare; the golden eyes staring at me, and the low, frightening growl. I knew it wasn't Edward but it could be me, unable to control my thirst and ready to attack a human. Was it a warning to me; be careful what you wish for? I thought about it for a moment, but nothing would deter me from my future with Edward.

He was also pretty convincing about how much he wanted me. I was not able to match his level of self-control. I was only human, after all. I was glad we could still try to expand our boundaries a bit. He was doing very well in that department since we arrived at our magical cabin.

It was thrilling to hear him tell me how I made his body react, but pure torture to be unable to act on my fantasies about him. When I did act on them, as I had last night in the tub and afterwards, it had bordered on disaster. Why did I have to learn everything the hard way?

It was very difficult to totally abandon my dreams for this weekend, even after our talk. Edward was always too cautious. He needed to loosen up a bit more, and as I looked around our lovely room I thought this was just the place where that might happen, regardless of what Carlisle might say.

I explored the closet, ready to discover what Alice had chosen for me to wear today. It turned out to be designer blue jeans and a sky blue scoop neck tee with banded short sleeves and delicate pintuck detailing at the bodice. I put them on and a new pair of hiking boots completed that the ensemble.

What a waste, I thought as I tied the laces, since Edward would do most of the 'hiking' and my feet would barely touch the ground. Although that was kind of a good thing too, because if I tried to hike in these new boots I would surely develop some nasty blisters. As much as I loved Alice, I wished she would just let me wear my old sneakers; Edward didn't care what was on my feet. I counted myself lucky that he was so easy to please.

Meanwhile, he was worried about pleasing me; I wished I could reassure him that there was no way I would be disappointed. All he had to do was touch me and I felt sparks. I only hoped I would remain conscious when he decided to let me feel all of his love. The feelings I had for him were overwhelming now and I could only imagine how much more intense they would become. All we wanted to do was love each other; why did it always have to be so difficult for us?

_**Edward's point of view**_

When Bella ran off to get dressed I felt as if a great weight had been lifted and I could take a deep breath for the first time since we had arrived here. Our talk was surprisingly honest and not as difficult as I had thought it would be.

My lovely fiancée had paid attention and she didn't protest too much. Perhaps she was finally beginning to understand the danger. I fervently hoped so; my love was too precious to have anything else happen to her, especially since we were so close to getting everything we wanted.

It broke my cold, still heart to hear her talk about the time that she spent alone, thinking she would never see me again. I have seen visions of her in Charlie's mind, and the mutt's, but to hear about it from her own sweet lips was pure hell. Charlie still had flashes of the way she had stumbled down the stairs, looking like a zombie. Paler than usual, her eyes were glazed and dead, with dark circles prominent above her sunken cheeks. Her hair was dull and matted, and she flinched when he would try to take her arm. She kept her arms folded around herself and went through the motions of her daily life simply to appease him.

I wounded her so deeply it was a miracle she was able to forgive me. My stomach twisted with guilt and pain. Unfortunately she would never forget that wretched time. I would give anything to be able to erase those horrendous days and nights from her memory.

To hear her call herself "irregular," as if she were some sort of discard or damaged goods pierced me to my core. She was unique and her value was rare beyond comparison. Perhaps she was correct though, about her inability to conceive a child. It was so like her to accept this stoically, and even to try and make it seem like a benefit, rather than a sad fact of life.

I wondered if she was telling the truth about not wanting to have a baby or if she was just saying that to soothe my concerns. It would be like her to make that kind of a sacrifice for me.

If I had only met Bella in 1918 and not caught the flu, we would have been married and she would certainly have been looking forward to having children. We both would have; it was expected, the norm. Marriage, children, a home and family; traditional, solid mid-western values. That did not happen and we will never live the life of a normal couple.

Bella was so different from the kind of girl I would have settled down with back then. Her strong, lively spirit was one of the things I loved most about her, even if it was the cause of some of our problems. She did have the worst luck… a werewolf for a best friend and a vampire as the love of her life. No wonder her days were numbered.

I was going to try my best to make sure her life didn't end because I couldn't control my lust for her. She had taken the news that simply exploring our boundaries was going to have to be as far as we could go until after the wedding relatively well. Better than I had expected, truth be told. She was usually so stubborn when she made up her mind about something. She was stronger than she looked but I didn't want to put any more pressure on her.

I was supposed to be the strong one, but she was making me doubt my resolve. This morning, with the shower! It was the weakest moment I'd ever faced. And she was so clear about her intentions toward me. After spending the night with her warm, fragrant body in my arms, no interruptions from Charlie or anyone else, it was only logical to think about the next step. However, thinking about ravishing her and doing it were two different things.

I had felt myself walking from the sofa to the door of the bathroom as if pulled by a magnet and I had no willpower of my own. I caught a glimpse of her shampooing her hair and I suddenly knew I had to get out of there before I couldn't stop myself. I longed for the day I could join her in the shower and wrap myself around her, kissing her while the hot water rained down on us.

How could I lecture her about restraint if I could not control myself around her? She made me feel so human I acted like that vile imbecile, Mike Newton. My need for her was so desperate and so unfamiliar, it was no wonder I was having trouble behaving like a gentleman.

This situation reminded me of the last time we were totally alone together in my bedroom, with similar results. Only then I practically had to hypnotize her to get her to accept my engagement ring. That negotiation had been painful for both of us.

She was so willful and determined, but I guess she would have to be, to consider a future with me, the monster who could be responsible for ending her life.

I knew she was struggling with her feelings for me, too. It killed me to contemplate her despair at my rejection of her. That she wanted me and thought I didn't want her… how could she think that? Didn't she know that every cell in my body craved her like I had never craved anything in a hundred years?

I now wanted to possess her more than I ever wanted to taste her blood, and that had nearly driven me into a frenzy the moment I got close enough to savor her delicious scent.

I loved the way her face flushed when I told her just a few of the ways she made me feel and what I longed to do with her warm, delicate body. I was no prude but I was trying to remain a gentleman, no easy feat with her resting on my lap and pressing kisses into my neck. The feeling of her sweet, wet tongue on my throat was pure bliss. I felt so near the breaking point when I was with her… but I must not break because she would be the one to suffer the consequences.

How could she give up everything for me? How could I let her? I knew it was far too late to turn back now, but I did not think I could ever be reconciled to what I was going to do to her.

As much as I wanted to be with her, I still had doubts that being with me would be good for her. Of course it couldn't be good for her. She was going to give up her life, her family, everything, to become eternally damned.

I knew how Rosalie felt about it. Even though she had Emmett she was still bitter about giving up her human life. Would Bella become bitter too? Would she end up blaming me? That would be an even worse torture than this.

The path she was on this weekend had been treacherous; she started out more determined than ever to push our physical relationship as far as it could go. Even after explaining to her why we had to wait, I didn't know how much longer I could go on refusing her if she kept pressing the matter. I would try to be strong and stick to our after-wedding plan, but this constantly shutting her down was wearing on both of us.

As Carlisle had explained it, when we two became one, there would be a release of energy, and most humans would not be able to withstand it. He compared it to a human being electrocuted, and I could understand that, since there was always this electric current running between Bella and myself.

Carlisle feared the transfer of energy would be too much for her, and no human doctor knew her medical status better than he did. She was so fragile and prone to fainting on a good day. I could only imagine what her physical response would be in a pressure-filled situation such as our first time was apt to be.

She was so sweet to claim she had no doubts about my ability to please her, but I had plenty of doubt to spare. I had two paths to choose from, and neither of them held any guarantees of satisfaction or even survival for Bella. If I restrained myself so she wasn't harmed, it was possible that she would feel no pleasure at all, and if I didn't restrain myself enough she could be injured or killed.

Not to mention how her sweet blood would be coursing through her veins, just below the surface of her creamy skin, and I could only imagine her pink blush spreading all over her body. What if I was to lose all control in the midst of passion? There were too many variables and pitfalls for even me to contemplate. As much as I was looking forward to our wedding night I also had to be realistic because I knew she wouldn't be.

All that would come in good time, but it didn't help the problem this weekend presented. After my talk with Carlisle I knew there were more things we could do, but I was hesitant to even try them until I was sure of her feelings.

I knew Bella said she loved me, and she was certainly trying to show me just how much, but I still had the tiniest bit of doubt, and it nagged at me. I had to keep myself in check until I could confirm that I had her whole heart. I had to keep pushing her away.

How could I reassure her? How long could she put up with my pushing her away before it became too much for her? How long before she became disgusted with me, frustrated by what she saw as my rejection of her? I couldn't stand to hurt her feelings like that, but I couldn't risk hurting her worse physically.

A horrible thought that lurked in the back of my mind kept struggling to come to the surface. How long before Bella thought about turning to Jacob again? Instead of just worrying that she would see me for the monster I was and run away forever, now I had to worry that she would run back to the mongrel.

Perhaps I should be relieved to think that if she did run away from me, at least she would have someone to run to. I couldn't stand the thought of him kissing her again. That one time was bad enough to last forever. It took every ounce of self-control I had to react calmly when she came back to me.

I knew she was surprised by my acceptance of the situation but I wanted her to see that she had another option, another way to lead her life. In the end, she chose me instead of Jacob. She could see a future with him and she turned her back on it.

Bella returned to me. I could see the pain in her face; she never wanted to hurt anyone. She was always putting others before herself.

What if she still had feelings for Jacob, feelings that were unresolved and could resurface? I could not let her become my bride if some part of her still wanted to be with him. My ego couldn't stand the thought. I remembered how she cried all night and how she still looked sad whenever his name was mentioned, or even when we avoided mentioning it.

How could I be sure she had sorted out her feelings? I wanted to believe that she had chosen me over him; I had to believe that for my own sanity. But was it true? Would I ever know? The doubt was tormenting me. It had the potential to drive me mad. She was the only woman in the world for me, in a hundred years.

If I were to walk the earth for a thousand years I would never find her equal. Bella was everything to me, and I wanted to be everything to her. I must know she felt the same way, or else all would be lost. I was so certain about my feelings for her. I must be equally certain about her feelings for me.

I needed to talk to her about this, but how to begin? What could I say? 'Are you sure you aren't in love with the dog? Are you sure you don't want to be with him and have a long, human life?' Yes, that would go over well.

The thought of him touching her again, him being able to do things with her that I couldn't was maddening. I couldn't let myself think about that. I would destroy something, anything I got my hands on.

I opened the French doors and stepped out on the small deck. These majestic Douglas fir trees didn't deserve to be annihilated because of my rage. Rage over something I was imagining, rather than something that had already happened. I had to calm down.

I had to be in control at all times when I was with Bella. She was too precious, too easily broken to even witness my wrath. She already carried enough scars because of me; I didn't want to add to them unnecessarily.

Bella couldn't stand any more stress. She'd once said that she'd gone crazy and knew her limits. I never wanted to see her spiral into that madness again. To know that I was responsible for it would be too much to bear.

Her pain pierced me deeper than any knife could. I couldn't exist without her, and I couldn't bear to think of hurting her, even though I wanted her more than anything. I wanted us to be together forever.

Unfortunately our physical relationship, or lack of one, wasn't the only problem. As sweet as her first dream seemed to be last night, that nightmare this morning had to be a bad sign. Her subconscious was either worried that I was a threat, or another one of my kind was still after her. Had I frightened her that badly last night? I could smell her fear and I hated that I did that to her. Had that fear created this nightmare?

How long would she be haunted by nightmares like this? Did she still see herself being pursued by James and Laurent or Victoria? I hated that I had brought them into her life, that I couldn't protect her from their torture. All the bad things that had happened to her were my fault.

Was she reliving the horrors of the Volturi? Again, her relationship with me, and my weakness was responsible for exposing her to that kind of terror. If she felt safe and secure with me as she said she did, why did she have dreams like that? What did it mean?

Whatever it was I knew I must be responsible for it. She probably never had nightmares like that before she met me. If we proceeded with what she wanted soon she would never be able to have any kind of dream. Sadly, just another part of her humanity that would disappear because of me.

Turning that problem over in my mind left me with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Was my sadness just a deep-seated fear that I was unworthy of being loved? Certainly I was unworthy of being loved by someone as pure and fearless as Bella. Anyone less brave would have already run screaming when they found out what a monster I was.

Maybe I was being overprotective. Of course where Bella was concerned, was there any such thing as being too protective? She wasn't just a danger magnet; she seemed to rush headlong toward life-threatening situations. Afraid of needles but not afraid to be in a room full of vampires or werewolves. Jumping off a cliff in order to summon my voice in her head? What else could I do but try to watch out for her every minute of the day and night?

I didn't want to smother her, either. I didn't want to hinder her development in any way. I wanted her to be her own person, to choose her own path. I just didn't want to stand by and watch her fall off a cliff. Been there, done that, as she would say.

This weekend I was seeing a different side of my Bella. She was normally selfless, but she had been unusually generous about accepting my gifts on this trip. I expected her to make much more of a fuss about everything but she constantly surprises and delights me.

A knock at the front door demanded my attention. Breakfast for my beloved had arrived. Evidently just in time as well, since her appetite seemed to have returned with a vengeance. I was so pleased to see her devouring her dinner last night; she had said she only had an appetite when I was around and she must have been telling the truth. She already smelled better this morning; her body needed the protein she usually skipped if given the chance. Perhaps the recent weight loss had just been in reaction to the stress of the wedding planning and not anything worse, as I had feared.

I would do everything I could to keep tempting her with exotic delicacies and new taste treats until the moment when I would no longer need to 'feed the human,' as she so quaintly put it. Her survival was of the utmost importance to me, I thought, as I opened the door.

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**AN: Okay, you've read this far and you've never left a review. This is your big chance. Time for that review now: hit that button on the left and let me hear from you. **

**I want to thank my beta, not done baking, for her mad skills. Another friend, Ranma15177 has also agreed to offer her insight and skills to help shape and refine this tale, beginning with Chapter 18. I'm very lucky and grateful to have help like this, so cheerfully given. Ranma15177 has a wonderful story about how Carlisle and Esme got together; it's called **_**Making A Home**_** and another very funny story called _Conversations With Emmett._ It's not just about Emmett, though. It tells what really happened between Tanya and Edward in Denali. if you like my story I bet you'll like hers, too. You can get to her through a link in my Favorites Stories List. Check it out. **


	20. Come Saturday Morning : B & E POV

**_A.N.: Thanks for the wonderful reviews for the last chapter; it's nice to know you liked it. Okay, here's the new drill. Everyone who got to this chapter via a Story Alert NEEDS to leave a review. Just do the Goldilocks/porridge bit: too hot, too cold, or just right… is there too much Edward, not enough Edward, or just the right amount? Do you have a problem with Bella? Tell me about it. Too much talk, not enough action? Let me know, please._**

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**Chapter 20: _Come Saturday Morning_**

As I came out of the bedroom I heard a knock at the front door and then saw Bradley carrying a tray through the living room. He winked at me on his way out, and I went to the table thinking Edward was right yet again; Bradley was an incorrigible flirt. Edward had witnessed this little exchange and didn't seem to be the least bit bothered by it. So I guessed it was okay for gay guys to flirt with me; good to know.

Edward was taking the covered dishes off the tray and pouring a cup of tea for me. "You look lovely, Bella. Do you like the clothes Alice chose for you, because I do…" he beamed down at me.

"Thank you, Edward. Yes, so far she's done a great job. Did you help her pick them out?"

"No, but she knows what I like. I told her to make sure she chose things _you _ would like," he said smoothly, as he held out the chair for me and I sat down, feeling my stomach grumble in anticipation.

He rested his hands on my shoulders lightly, kissed the top of my head and then pressed his lips against my temple before he sat down next to me. My heart skipped a beat. Just the little things he did like that made me feel a tug in my chest; he always tried to make me feel loved, even when I was only sitting down to breakfast. It was no wonder I was so crazy about him.

I surveyed the feast laid out before me: Goat cheese soufflé, a basket of hot biscuits with local honey, yogurt with a bowl of raspberries, blackberries and strawberries and a pot of herbal tea. The box of desserts from dinner last night was also sitting on the table, just in case this spread wasn't enough. I felt a bit like a calf Edward was trying to fatten up before the county fair, but I couldn't blame him. I had dropped a few pounds and I knew he was worried about that. It was foolish, but it was just another way to show me how much he cared.

After a few bites of soufflé I looked up and said, "This makes my usual bowl of cereal seem really pathetic. You certainly know how to treat a girl, Edward."

He smiled his crooked smile and looked very pleased. "Oh, I am an expert at keeping a growing girl plied with food. Besides, I have noticed that you get dangerous when you're hungry," he said with a straight face.

"Very funny," I mumbled, my mouth full of honey-drenched biscuit.

Then I noticed a small bowl of raw almonds by the teapot.

I popped an almond in my mouth and Edward said, "Oh, those are for the chipmunks."

I drew my eyebrows together and shot him a quizzical look.

"Sally, the Lodgekeeper, sent them. She inquired about our plans today and when I told her about our hike she said we should take some almonds for the chipmunks."

I still looked mystified as I reached for another biscuit.

He enlightened me. "She says about 20 years ago a local woman started feeding almonds to the wild chipmunks to keep them from stealing the tomatoes out of her garden." He paused while I continued to look skeptical.

"Hey, I am not making this up; that's what she said. Over the years, all the chipmunks out here on the Point have developed a particular taste for almonds. Sally says even though they are wild, they will come up and eat out of your hand if you hold still. So put the almonds in your pocket and we will be prepared in case we come across a marauding gang of wild chipmunks," he explained.

"Ooh, I feel safe now," I teased, slipping the nuts into my front pocket.

"Of course even if we are surrounded by every chipmunk in Point Reyes we shouldn't be too worried. Sally tells me these are the smallest subspecies of chipmunk in the U.S.; the adults weigh less than two ounces."

"How can a chipmunk that small steal a tomato? Do they have superhuman strength, too?"

"They were cherry tomatoes; perhaps they have the smallest tomatoes in the U. S. here," he said with a smile. He certainly was in a good humor after our talk this morning. So was I, for that matter. He was finally treating me like an adult. Now I just had to act like one. I would work on that later, right now I wanted to tease him.

"Did Sally say anything about trading the almonds for some magic beans, Jack?" I asked innocently, thinking this all sounded like something out of a fairy tale.

That elicited a hearty chuckle. I went back to concentrating on my gourmet breakfast while Edward read a note that had been on the breakfast tray. It was from Margaret, and he smiled as he passed it to me. It said:

_To keep your marriage brimming, put love in a loving cup._

_Whenever you're wrong admit it, whenever you're right shut up._

--Ogden Nash

"Sounds like good advice to me," I agreed, finishing my fantastic soufflé.

"After our hike I was wondering if you wanted to take a cooking lesson with Margaret and Chef Daniel… they don't usually let guests in their kitchen, but I spoke with them and Margaret said they would be delighted to show you how to make a few dishes."

I put down my fork and searched his face. I felt a frown forming on my brow. What was this cooking lesson really about? He knew I wouldn't need to know how to cook anything once I stopped eating solid food, which was going to happen in just a few weeks. Was this another way to try to discourage me from becoming a real Cullen? I could feel the flush start to spread across my cheeks and I clenched my fists under the table.

"I enjoy cooking, Edward, but I don't really need to learn any new dishes, do I? I mean, it's not like you're going to expect to come home and find a hot, cooked meal on the table, are you?" I said in a challenging tone.

"No, Bella, relax," he said in what I'm sure he meant to be a soothing manner. "I just thought you might like a cooking lesson from some of the top chefs in the country, that's all. If you are not interested, it's fine. We can do something else. It was just an idea, not something set in stone."

He was trying to be gracious, but I could tell I had hurt his feelings by rejecting the cooking lesson. No, the look in his eyes wasn't hurt it was disappointment. I looked down at my hands and flexed my fingers. If I hadn't planned on giving up food altogether in the near future I would have been thrilled to dabble in the kitchen at Manka's Lodge with the fascinating Margaret and handsome Chef Daniel, but as it was, it only made my temper flare that he had suggested such a thing.

"Perhaps this is for the best," he continued lightly. "Chef Daniel was more than a little interested in showing you how to grill quail. I was planning on shadowing you in the kitchen and it might have become a bit uncomfortable… for him," Edward said with a smirk on his gorgeous lips.

I laughed. He could be so silly sometimes.

"Besides, they are busy preparing for that wedding at the Boathouse tomorrow, so I am sure the activity in the kitchen is a bit frantic, anyway. Not the best place for someone like you to be around flashing knives," he stated emphatically.

"I agree with that," I said easily. Maybe he wasn't so disappointed after all. Maybe I had misjudged him. He could be so hard to read. "We don't really have to worry about something like that, though, do we? Wouldn't Alice have warned you if I was going to come into contact with a wayward butcher knife?"

"I don't like to hear you joke about something like that, Bella," he said sharply. Then a look of guilt crept over his beautiful face. What was going on? He began to speak slowly, and he avoided my eyes. "Alice did not warn me about anything like that, but it's a bit complicated."

"What are talking about Edward, just tell me," I said quickly, getting more impatient by the second.

"I wanted this weekend to be just for the two of us, so before we left I had Alice take a look to see if you were going to be in any danger. She assured me there were no problems. Then I made her promise not to check on you anymore; I just wanted us to have some privacy," he said, his eyes meeting mine nervously.

I smiled. I was both touched and encouraged by his confession. It was sweet of him to want to keep some of our activities private, and I hoped that meant he had plans to explore our boundaries a bit more, without any observation by Alice. I also thought it meant that he must be confident in his self control if he wasn't having her do periodic check ups. That alone made me very happy. We had come so far since that first day in Biology when I came close to not making it out alive.

"I do not want you to think I am putting your safety at risk… but I am trying to be more spontaneous. Alice knew about the cooking lesson, but I have other things in mind that she knows nothing about," he said, his voice lower and more intense.

I felt a shiver go up my spine and my smile grew wider. Those of course were the plans I was most interested in. But I didn't want to seem too interested for fear of scaring him off. Plus, he was a terrible tease and if he knew I wanted something badly he would keep delaying it until I felt I would jump out of my skin. I had to tread lightly over this uncharted territory.

"I'm glad you're being honest with me," I said with enthusiasm, "You can tell me anything, you know. So far I'm liking this new, more adventurous you."

"I am sure you are," he said dryly, smiling as he picked up one of the two newspapers from the breakfast tray.

I just continued to smile as I drizzled honey on another biscuit. Let him make his little joke; I was determined to get the last laugh on this trip, one way or another.

As he glanced at the front page of the _New York Times_, I fingered the _San Francisco Chronicle_. I looked at the 'Datebook' section and noticed the horoscopes.

"You're a Gemini, right?" I asked, popping a blackberry in my mouth and savoring it as it exploded with the flavor of summer. I knew exactly when his birthday was, even if he saw no point in celebrating it.

"Bella, don't tell me that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality?"

"Hey, I'm a Virgo. We're always ready to examine and dissect any idea or theory," I explained. "And we worry a lot."

He rolled his eyes and decided to humor me. "You are such a contradiction. I know you are a worrier, but at the same time you are almost pathologically optimistic." I chuckled and then he added, "Okay, what does mine say?"

"Gemini: Your powers of concentration are massive, but your curiosity about the world is equally fierce. It's a great day to be in charge. All your ideas are solid, and you'll be able to guide others with suggestions instead of commands. Of course, if time is of the essence, you can bark out orders as well."

"I'll take that… but what I'm most fiercely curious about is you," he said, effortlessly managing to sound sexy. "What does yours say?"

I exhaled deeply as I scanned the page for my birthday listing. "Virgo: Your life doesn't always go the way you want it to -- this is not news for you, but today it will feel like it. The sooner you come to terms with the fact that you're not going to get what you want, the better. In terms of a romantic pursuit, don't get upset if things aren't progressing at the pace you would like. There are two of you, and you have to balance what you want with what the other person is willing to give. Try some patience." I grimaced. Even my horoscope was against me.

"Perhaps I will have to revise my opinion about astrology. That forecast is frighteningly accurate. You have certainly been trying my patience," he said with a twinkle in his lovely golden eyes.

I raised an eyebrow and narrowed my eyes at him. "This must be your lucky day because I'm so full of this delicious food that I can't be dangerous right now or you'd be in trouble for that remark."

He picked up my hand and held it against his cool chest. Then he lowered his head and placed his smooth lips against the back of my hand. I felt my heart beat faster and I couldn't help but grin. Then he lifted his face and said, "This is my lucky day because I get to spend it alone with you."

"You're sweeter than this honey, Edward. Are you sure we need to leave the cabin?" I said, pressing my luck for all it was worth.

"You are really taking that 'trying my patience' advice seriously, aren't you?" he said with mock seriousness.

"Well, you know my motto: never give up, never surrender," I said confidently.

"Is that your motto? I thought it was: 'Let me see what kind of danger I can attract today'…" he countered.

I smiled. "That's not a motto, that's more of a code to live by," I corrected.

He threw his head back and laughed. It was so good to hear him so happy. I loved being able to make him laugh. He was so serious much of the time. It must be an awful strain to have to hear the thoughts of others all day and night, especially when he had told me mine was the only mind he really wanted to penetrate. I was glad he couldn't hear my thoughts; I would never stop blushing if he could. I was grateful that this isolated location could offer him some relief from the din of strangers, and I anticipated that our hike would free of other people, too.

I had just finished the last bite of biscuit and honey and I still had honey smeared on my index finger. I was about to lick it off my finger when I had an idea. I looked at his smiling face and quickly reached up and touched my finger to his bottom lip.

He reflexively extended his lip, almost like a pout, and despite his warning fresh in my ears, I pounced, leaning across the table and planting a kiss on his sweet lips. I ran my tongue across his bottom lip, gathering the dab of honey and I felt him smile. I leaned back into my chair but in the space of a heartbeat he pulled me to him and put me in his lap. I looked up at him with a matching smile on my face.

"Are you sure you got every bit off?" His voice was sly as his arms encircled me.

"I may have missed a spot."

"We can't have that," he said as he brought his lips mere millimeters away from mine. I thought he was going to kiss me but he was waiting for me to kiss him and the anticipation was driving me crazy.

I put both my hands on his face and closed the distance between our lips. It started out as a soft, gentle kiss, and soon my head was swimming. His lips lingered on mine until I regained semi-consciousness.

"You are such a tease, Bella, but an enchanting tease." He picked up my hand and held it in his, gazing into my eyes with such warmth I didn't even notice the coldness of his skin. "You drive every thought out of my head and I can only think of you."

I blushed. "You've certainly been thoughtful about this weekend. You've planned everything just right, Edward. Dinner last night was beyond description and breakfast today—delicious is too mild a word. This cabin is like our own perfect world, and that bed--I know you don't sleep, but it's so comfortable, warm and cozy. I could stay there with you forever… and perhaps we wouldn't have to sleep," I said as suggestively as possible.

"That time will come soon enough," he said with just a hint of sadness in his voice.

Bella strikes again; I had managed to sour his good mood. I decided to tempt him back into a better humor. "It would seem like you aren't looking as forward to that day as I am," I said cheerfully.

"You know I have mixed feelings on that subject. I only want what's best for you and I still have some doubt that--," he started, but I interrupted him.

"You must get over that doubt, Edward. We both know it's the only way I can be with you forever. We've made our plans and we're going to go through with them. I thought that everything we've been through had convinced you that neither one of us is any good without the other," I said passionately, hoping to finally convince him, and perhaps myself, too.

"You are right about us needing to be together forever. I have to admit that I can't face a future without you in it," he said earnestly, bringing my hand to his lips.

"We're in complete agreement on that. You're my future, Edward. You're my eternity. I want you for all time," I said, as he held me tighter against him. I buried my head in his neck, inhaling his sweet scent.

I felt like I could never get enough of him or get close enough to him. He stroked my hair, pressing his lips against my forehead. I always felt so safe when I was with him like this. Like nothing could touch us.

"I can't think of what I've done to deserve you, Bella." Edward was the very definition of 'bittersweet.' He never seemed to be able to accept happiness without trying to find a downside. This was something we needed to work on after we were married.

Maybe there was more to astrology than he was willing to admit; as a Gemini he was supposed to have a dual nature, one dark and one light, and he certainly lived up to that trait.

"If we only got what we deserved then bad things would never happen to good people, and we know that they do happen all the time," I reasoned. "Besides, the way I look at it, every day with you is a gift," I said as I raised my head and looked into his sparkling topaz eyes.

"Is that why you don't like to get presents?" he teased.

"Maybe. Maybe I already feel so lucky to have you that I don't need anything else." I wanted him to know that I loved him for himself, not all the things the Cullen wealth could buy.

"And I want to spend everyday with you, making sure you know just how special you are," he said unequivocally, brushing my cheek with his index finger.

"You do make me feel special, Edward. No one can make my heart pound like you do. Can't you tell?"

He placed his hand over my heart, saying, "Your emotions do give you away, Bella. In that way you are like an open book."

"Are we on the same page now?" I asked provocatively, running my fingers from his hand on my heart along his arm up to his shoulder, coming to rest at his neck.

"You tell me," he said slyly.

"Oh, just kiss me!" I exclaimed, wondering if he had an endless reserve of willpower.

He readily complied with my demand, moving his hand to the back of my neck and drawing me closer to him, his cool, smooth lips burning against mine. A spark ignited within me and I tugged at his bronze mane, trying to draw him even closer. I parted my lips and inhaled his sweet breath. It was like a rare wine, intoxicating and rich.

He pulled away slightly, giving me a chance to recover, and placed his lips on my neck, just below my ear. They seemed so warm and soft. He was planting a dozen little kisses on my neck and this made me shiver with excitement. I was warm all over, and my breath was coming in shallow bursts.

He seemed to sense my desire, as he abruptly stopped kissing my neck and drew back to look down into my face. "You can't even imagine what it does to me to see you like this, to feel you in my arms and know that you trust me and want to be with me," he whispered.

"Always, my love, and forever," I said, reaching up to kiss him again. As our lips met I got lost in that kiss and it seemed to go on and on. I needed him so badly and wanted him even more. I might never get to heaven, but if I was with Edward it didn't matter. We would create our own heaven on earth.

Then he released me and I leaned my forehead against his neck, taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly. His fingers played with a strand of my hair, and I kept my hand pressed against the base of his neck. I never wanted to let go of him.

I felt if we were somehow always connected that nothing bad would happen to either of us. I supposed that wasn't the healthiest attitude, but hey, my dearest love was a vampire, a vampire who had originally wanted to sink his teeth into me the moment he got close enough. If he could overcome that most powerful of instincts to be with me, then I could do whatever it took to be with him.

_**Edward's Point of View**_

The greenish hue that tinted the air over the Inverness Ridge Trail to Mount Vision, in the Point Reyes National Park, seemed to emanate from the balsams or the feldspar-mottled creek bed. The morning was cool and overcast, the black flies stunned by the previous night's 30-something temperatures.

When I stepped out onto the ledges above Inverness Ridge, where I had walked many times before, an indefinable feeling out of nowhere stopped me in my tracks, disorienting me in time — if not in geography.

It wasn't altitude or nostalgia. Perhaps it was the view of the dew-streaked slides on Elephant Mountain across the valley, or the combination of chill air and the ocean breezes typical of West Marin in late June. Perhaps it was just the fact that Bella was here with me to share the moment that made me feel much younger than my hundred years.

After parking the SUV at the trailhead, I had scooped her up onto my back and raced up the trail to the top of Mt. Vision, depositing her next to a large boulder so she could catch her breath and readjust to terra firma after the swift journey we had just made.

I loved the exhilarating feel of speed as I raced up the trail and having Bella clinging to me made it even better. She clasped her arms around me tightly and pressed herself against me, conjuring such feelings in me that I never expected. Her silky skin, the heat radiating from her body, and her scent, carried on the soft breeze wafting up from the ocean all filled me with such longing for her.

Being outside awakened all my senses and fueled my desire for her. As I ran along under the forest canopy I was tempted to stop and ravish her right there and then, despite the warning I had received from Carlisle. I knew that was what she wanted, and it was so hard to deny her anything she expressed a wish for. I felt a desperate obedience where she was concerned. I longed to fulfill every one of her desires and fantasies. Giving her pleasure would be the ultimate pleasure for me.

Being so close to her with no one else around was a temptation I hadn't fully considered. How could I have put both of us in this situation? I was supposed to be the adult. I certainly had the years behind me.

I sat down with my back against the boulder and she squeezed in between my legs, resting her back against my chest. I could feel her heart beat as she snuggled against me and I placed my arms around her waist, holding her close. She put her arms on top of mine and laced her fingers between my own, sending a tingle down my spine, as only she could do.

My entire body felt a wave of pleasure at having her rest against me in such a relaxed way. That she had no hesitation and wasn't afraid of being so close to me, was so willing to put her fate in my hands, was all still amazing to me. We both looked out over the Pacific Ocean, watching the seabirds swoop and dive toward the dark, churning waves.

I could feel her pulse pounding in her throat, attracting me, mocking me with the swift flow of blood through her jugular vein. The fragrance of her hair, her skin, mingling with the sweet scent of her blood pushed my senses to the very edge of reason. The proximity of her delicate body made me think thoughts of a very erotic nature.

I wanted to kiss her until she was senseless. I wanted to take her right here and now. Every part of her was making my fantasies go into overdrive, racing like my Vanquish engine. I had to calm down or risk everything I had worked so hard for. Mind over matter; I had done it before, I could do it again.

Bella had risen to the bait this morning just as I hoped and feared she would. I couldn't read her mind, but I knew her well enough to safely predict some of her behavior. I had asked her to take a cooking lesson merely as a test, and she had passed with flying colors, much to my dismay.

If she had accepted the offer of a cooking class, it would mean that she was hanging on to her human life. If she rejected it, I could assume that she was preparing to leave the trappings of her physical body behind. I hadn't expected to see the blood rise to her delicate cheeks and her eyes flash in anger. She was so beautiful and alluring when she let her emotions get the better of her. I could barely hold myself back; my hands were itching to touch her then, to glide across her soft, warm skin.

I wasn't sure she had seen through me completely, but she was definitely annoyed that I would even suggest such a thing, as if I had asked her if she wanted to learn how to skin a cat. She would never stop surprising me. Evidently she was more prepared to become a vampire than I thought.

My little comment about Chef Daniel being unusually interested in her wasn't quite true, but it didn't hurt to let her think I was jealous; it boosted her self-esteem. His thoughts on seeing her Friday night had been complimentary, but not untoward. He actually thought the both of us looked like we had stepped out of the pages of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog, only we were wearing way too many clothes. It seemed to make her happy to think that I wouldn't let her out of my sight, though, and I would do anything to see her full, pouting lips break into a smile.

Bella leaned forward to watch a bird as it disappeared behind a tree and then fell back against me again, and in that instant that her body lost contact with mine I had tensed, realizing how much I had come to depend on her being with me, being a part of me.

I tightened my grip around her waist, sighing with the frustration of not being able to get as close to her as I wished to be. I leaned my head down and placed a kiss on her temple, immediately feeling more relaxed.

My mind kept wandering back to Bella's explanation of why she didn't want children, and how she thought she wouldn't be able to have one even if she did. She gave every indication that she had been telling the truth. Even though I couldn't read her mind to be sure, she was a bad liar and I could usually tell when a lie fell from those luscious lips.

Miniscule differences marked her attempts at dishonesty, variations so small most humans would not have been aware of them. The whole shape of her face changed when she was trying to fool me; her chin became more pointed and she refused to meet my eyes. She also had trouble looking me in the eyes when she was embarrassed about something, but she had kept her gaze on me the whole time she had been covering that painful topic, so I was encouraged that she had been completely honest with me.

I supposed I had let Rosalie's attitude influence me more than I should have. Bella had little in common with Rosalie, and just because Rosalie had wanted to have children didn't mean that Bella would. Rosalie envied Bella because she was human and had choices that Rosalie didn't. It also annoyed her that she had been unable to capture my attentions and Bella had so easily accomplished that feat.

It was inconceivable to Rose that Bella could so easily relinquish her humanity, merely to be with me. I found that hard to believe too, but I was beginning to understand that perhaps this was what fate had in mind for us all along. That was a difficult concept for me to grasp because it meant that my future was out of my control, and I enjoyed having control over my existence more than most.

The ability to read the thoughts of others and move about at my own pace, which was lightening fast most of the time, gave me a superior attitude that I had to admit I enjoyed. Bella had changed all that; she made me feel more and more human, and I wondered how much that would change when blood was no longer pulsing through her delicate veins.

She was probably right about her inability to keep a small child safe. Her experience mothering Renee had developed over years, and she had to grow up fast. The more I thought about Renee the more I resented how she had basically robbed Bella of a normal childhood, and that probably contributed to her lack of desire for children.

Renee's ideas about love and marriage had also confused Bella; with a best friend like that it was not surprising Bella was conflicted. Not to mention that the example Renee set made no sense, given her lifelong protests against marriage. She had married a man much younger than herself, and now followed him around the country as he played a child's game. I was a baseball fan but most men who continued to do this as a profession had found a convenient way to postpone behaving as an adult.

Charlie was not much better as a parental role model, either, although I knew better than to try and criticize him in front of her. Bella had to do the shopping and cooking for him; she was a good housekeeper, taking pride in keeping Charlie well fed and content. Again, she had to be the mature adult instead of the carefree teenager he should have allowed her to be.

As a father he was woefully lacking in my considered opinion. I cringed every time I saw Bella grab her keys and head for that ancient, red deathtrap Charlie had given her. It didn't even have airbags; how little did he value her safety? It amazed me that he didn't buy her at least a decent used car with up to date safety devices; he was a police officer after all. He must have seen dozens of car accidents, and yet he didn't seem to translate that possibility to Bella's rattling around behind the wheel of that blasted truck.

The fact that the pathetic excuse for transportation came from the Blacks was just another reason I would have liked to destroy it with my bare hands. But she loved it, so I would keep my hands to myself, for the time being. Perhaps I could get her a much safer car as an engagement present. She was getting better at accepting gifts from me, and I could enlist Alice in persuading Bella that it was traditional for the groom to get his intended a rather lavish gift to celebrate their engagement. I would start looking for the appropriate vehicle for her as soon as we returned to Forks. Perhaps I would look at a sleek convertible for a wedding present, too. She would enjoy driving fast one day in the not too distant future.

I knew Charlie was not exactly generous with the way he spent his money, but I couldn't help wonder if that was part of the problem with Bella's reluctance to accept gifts. Neither of her parents had ever lavished her with presents, as far as I could tell. Renee had sent her to Forks with one pathetic winter coat, and she knew very well what the weather was like; she had escaped to Arizona to get away from it. I pondered if this had led to Bella believing she wasn't worthy of the offerings I tried to give her.

Charlie was also blissfully unaware of most of her activities, dangerous as they might be, and instead of concerning himself with her welfare he was busy trying to push her into a relationship with a werewolf. The fact that a vampire shared his daughter's bed every night had completely escaped his powers of observation. No wonder she wasn't inspired to want children.

I knew Charlie loved Bella in his own way, but he was gruff and distant with her, unable to express his love when she needed to be gently caressed and held in the arms of someone she was sure loved her. Perhaps that was why she clung to me so tightly. She always had to be the emotionally strong one for both her parents, when in fact she needed someone to look after her, to put her emotional needs before theirs.

His overreaction to the announcement of our marriage, accusing her of being pregnant, had been beyond the pale. It took everything in me to remain calm as she assured him that was not the case. I had worried that his jumping to the wrong conclusion would upset her even more, knowing that by marrying me she would never have children, but she had taken it very well. I knew he couldn't stand me, but to have so little faith in his own daughter had shocked me. He didn't know her at all; this shouldn't have surprised me, but it did.

When I left Bella broken and frantic her parents had not been able to help her. I had seen the aftereffects of her nightmares through Charlie's mind; the way she woke him out of a sound sleep by shrieking my name with such pain in her voice. At first he would rush in and try to comfort her, but upon finding her curled up in the fetal position, sobbing, obviously dying inside, he allowed himself to be overwhelmed and merely stood, unable to ease her pain.

He just let Bella suffer without any physical contact and I knew this hurt her even more. After this scene repeated itself on a nightly basis he eventually gave up even going to check on her. How could he ignore his own daughter like that? How could he not know she was desperate to be held and soothed? In order to survive she needed the physical contact he was unable to provide.

Perhaps that's when she had turned to Jacob Black; he was more than happy to fold his long, warm arms around her. He relished the physical contact, animal that he was. He was never happier than when holding Bella and whispering sweet nothings to her… well, his version of sweet nothings, which were so lacking in subtly or charm it wasn't even funny. He was so coarse and blatant in his attempts to capture her heart. He was no competition in the verbal gymnastics category, but that wasn't exactly what she needed when I was gone.

Bella literally needed someone to hold her together and keep her from completely falling apart. That mongrel provided the duct tape for her soul; he was there for her and that was my fault. I couldn't blame her for developing feelings for Jacob; I knew the blame for all our problems could be laid at my door.

I could never forgive myself for leaving her like that, although she forgave me so easily. I still had to wonder if she secretly held some resentment toward me for putting her through that terrible time. If so, she never gave any indication of it.

I began to realize that perhaps Bella saw me as her rescuer, someone who would love and cherish her, and lavish attention on her that she had not received from her parents. It was not a mistake that she chose to be with me; I was a way out of the responsibilities she had assumed from childhood.

I longed to fulfill her every need and protect her from ever being hurt again, and this is exactly what she desired from me. I was not going to be forcing her into a relationship merely for her own good. Bella craved affection the way she craved sunshine. Whether she was aware of it or not, deep down she wanted to be coddled and cared for and I was so happy she was going to allow me to be the person to do it.

Amazingly, Bella never shrank from my touch; in fact, she always welcomed it. I thought back to last night when I had almost lost control and I wouldn't allow myself to touch her. She had been so hurt and angry; I couldn't blame her, but I couldn't do that to her again, either. I had to find a way to control my lust and desire for her and still hold her; she could never doubt my love or my need for her.

It was just so difficult when Bella's beautiful body tempted me so. The way her heart beat so frantically when we kissed, and her blood throbbed under my lips on her throat was almost too much to resist. I knew she wanted to feel my arms around her; no, she needed to feel my love. I wanted to be able to make love to her now and I knew that's what she wanted, too. I cursed myself for having to disappoint her. I had to find a way to conquer my weakness and be there for her. This exquisite torture was wearing on both of us and I couldn't let it drive us apart.

I was not the least bit worried that she looked upon me as a father substitute. In her eyes I was every inch the dashing young man who was mad, bad and dangerous to know. That was what she liked about me.

To the casual observer, watching Bella lie on a blanket in her yard, reading one of her beloved Jane Austin novels, she might seem to be a shy, innocent girl. To a certain extent that was true, but underneath that cool, calm exterior she secretly liked to play with fire.

Unfortunately, she often got burned, and I was the biggest inferno she had ever encountered. I longed to let the flames of my desire lick Bella's delectable body until I completely consumed her, and I knew that was what she wanted, too. Our married life was going to be as passion-filled as our courtship had been chaste; I would make sure of that. Once our hearts and bodies were joined together as one she would never again doubt my love or entertain the thought that I could ever leave her.

Maybe the elopement idea wasn't so bad after all. We could be in Vegas before nightfall… no, I had to stop thinking that way. I had waited this long, I could wait a bit longer. I hoped Alice was being true to her word and not checking up on us because if she wasn't, she probably just had a momentary conniption fit at the idea of me ruining all her wedding plans.

What was that silly horoscope Bella had read this morning? Something about my having 'massive powers' of concentration. She was severely testing that concept. I had to use every shred of concentration I could summon to keep from destroying our delicate relationship. I felt the need to keep one hand on her all the time but I had to keep pushing her away with the other one. It was no wonder I felt things were about to spin out of control.

I looked down at her tiny hand on top of mine, tracing random patterns across my marble-like skin. Her every touch felt so incredible; my arms trembled slightly with delight at the feather-light contact of her fingertips. I closed my eyes and gave myself over to the sensation.

She was still such a mystery to me. So shy and yet since we arrived at the cabin, so bold. I knew she was determined and once Bella made up her mind about something there was no changing it. I had to stop her from this course she was on, for her sake, and I believed she would be more prudent since our conversation this morning.

Her mind was so complicated. I couldn't penetrate it, no matter what I did. Would I ever get to know the real Bella? I knew there was something she was hiding from me. I could tell when she was silent and I saw a sadness in her eyes. It was so incredibly frustrating to be unable to know what she was thinking and to know she wasn't ready to tell me. Would she ever be ready? What did I need to do to make her trust me enough?

I wanted to share everything with her. I had told her my darkest secrets and here she was, still pressed against me, her warmth bringing me such joy. Somehow she still seemed far away from me. There was still a part of Bella I couldn't reach. No matter how much she threw herself at me, I knew she was holding something back.

To penetrate the illusion of separateness, to realize that which lies beneath the tormenting wound of duality -- that was a goal worthy of a lifetime… many lifetimes. Could I unravel this mystery that had baffled the greatest minds of humankind?

Perhaps a great mind was not what was needed to see behind the veil of illusion. Perhaps true perception comes from a great heart, but I don't have one of those, either. Then I thought, perhaps with some desperation, that I must have a heart because I felt it break when I returned from my self-imposed exile to find Bella in such a fragile state, knowing that I was responsible for that fragility.

I was beginning to think that being so close to her was driving me insane and unlike her, I didn't know my limits. Since we had been able to talk openly about our desires I felt even closer to her than before, but still had some lingering doubt that she was not being completely honest with me. I vowed to devote the time remaining in this magical weekend alone with Bella to uncovering all the myriad secrets of her heart. I just hoped it wasn't another noble but impossible task.

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**A.N.: Alright Dear Readers, hit that Submit Review button and let me know what you thought about this chapter. Especially if you've never reviewed before. Too hot, too cold or just right? **

**I again thank my beta, not done baking, for her patience and help. Another friend, Ranma15177 is offering her insight and skills to help shape and refine this tale, beginning with Chapter 18. I'm very lucky and grateful to have help like this, so cheerfully given. Ranma15177 has a wonderful story about how Carlisle and Esme got together; it's called **_**Making A Home**_** and if you like my story I bet you'll like hers, too. You can get to her through a link in my Favorites Stories List. Check it out. **


	21. The Very Thought of You: E & B POV

**AN: Thanks for all the wonderful reviews for the last chapter. I have a tip for reviewing this chapter. Some of you may already know this, but I just discovered it and wanted to pass it along. If you scroll down to the end of the chapter (but don't read the story), you can click on the Submit Review button and a little window will pop up. Then you go back to the start of the chapter and begin reading. You can make notes in the little window at any time. **

**I write long chapters, so if you like something at the start of a chapter, I wouldn't blame you if you forgot to include it in the review by the time you got to the end. This chapter is the longest one I've ever written, but I thought all of it needed to be presented in one place. Opening that Review window first will help, believe me. Thanks again, and happy reading**.

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**Chapter 21: _The very thought of you_**

_Edward's POV, Saturday morning_

The seabirds continued to soar and dive as we sat on the cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean, the sky a hazy gray, making the churning water look dark and cold. There was no one on the beach and it was easy to imagine we were the only two people left in the world, an ideal situation as far as I was concerned.

With Bella snuggled up against my chest I felt anything but dark and cold. She was the focus of my entire existence now. Keeping her safe, keeping her alive. It was almost a full time job, but as I tried to reassure her, she was worth it. When she was sitting here with me, pressing her warm body against my rock solid form I remembered what it felt like to be alive.

It had been so long since I had been a living human being, but when I was with her I felt like a teenager again. When she was up against me with her heart beating so strongly, it felt like it was beating inside of me. She's the only person who could make me feel human, and I still couldn't believe she wanted to be with me, a terrifying creature of the dark.

This was a treacherous path I had chosen for the two of us. Already people had died because of it. I had killed Victoria gladly, and James had deserved to die as well, but Jacob and the pack had killed Laurent. All the newborns from Seattle had died. All of this could basically be laid at my door because I fell in love with Bella Swan and couldn't resist her.

As long as Bella was human, if I wanted to face the truth, her parents were also in danger. Everyone within her orbit, really. If someone posed a real threat to her I would not hesitate for a second to remove them from this earth.

I still thought about going after those four in Port Angeles who had threatened her so long ago. Just to make sure they never tried to hurt her again, or any other poor defenseless girl for that matter. Carlisle had to talk long and hard to keep me from going after them that night. Always rational, always compassionate. How many more horrible things would I have done if not for Carlisle?

I had to admit I was ashamed of the things I had done, the crimes I had committed, the lives I had taken. I did not want Bella to have to deal with these feelings. I knew she would have similar problems accepting the limitations of the vampire lifestyle; she was so empathetic with the suffering of other people. It pained her to have to hurt others. I had doubts that these human traits would serve her well as a vampire.

The whole subject was so distasteful to me. I wanted to keep the harsh realities of what she was about to face from her for as long as possible, but time was running out. I knew she had questions that I still hadn't answered. I could not postpone the inevitable forever, no matter how much I would like to. I dreaded telling her so many things about the future she was choosing; I was afraid she was not going to be able to adjust easily and I would do anything to ease her burden.

If there was ever a time in the future that she was tempted by human blood, if I saw her about to attack and knew that I was unable to stop her, I would get to that person first and sink my teeth into them before she could. That way she would never have to feel responsible for killing someone. I would make her believe that I lost control before she could.

Turning her into a vampire was unforgivable enough; I would not allow her to be responsible to harming another human. I would not make her deal with that kind of guilt and self-loathing.

She still refused to see what a monster I was, and what a monster she would become. She thought she knew, but she didn't have any idea of how bad it would be. It was not fair of me to let her do this, but I could not continue to exist without her. She said she could not exist without me, but I had to wonder.

I had done unspeakable things; unforgivable things and I thought it was only fair that I should tell her. I didn't want to withhold information from her; I didn't want her to think I was lying to her. Thinking about those terrible, wayward years made me realize I was so ashamed of the horrible things I had done and the revolting monster I had been.

Why should she have to know about things that she had nothing to do with? I didn't want her to have to carry the burden of my past misdeeds; things I did so long before she was even born. It was part of my past, but perhaps it was a part that should be kept in the past.

The talks we had in our cabin had been enlightening. To get a glimpse into her mind was always a treat for me. She seemed to find it easier to open up and let me in since we arrived here. Carlisle had said this place was magic, and it was working its spell on Bella.

I needed to do my part, too. I needed to be as honest with her as I felt she could handle. Perhaps I wasn't being completely fair. In my zeal to protect her, I didn't always let her know what I was thinking, or feeling. Perhaps she was strong enough to handle my feelings. Perhaps I was harming Bella by not telling her the whole truth.

What a fragile posture I was trying to reach; being honest without hurting her. How could I know until I tried it? The next time she asked me what I was thinking I would tell her the whole truth, holding nothing back. It would probably be painful and I hated to think of causing her any more pain. Would I ever be able to stop hurting her sweet, innocent soul?

Quelling the monster inside me had been a daily ritual, sometimes the struggle had been fought moment by moment, but I had won. I had always vanquished the demon, fighting every instinct, putting my love for Bella above the constant thirst I had for her life-giving blood.

She was always thanking me for saving her life; if she only knew. She didn't seem to understand that the greatest threat to her life came from me. From the moment I met her, and during the first few months of our relationship I was constantly fighting the urge to pierce her creamy white flesh to get to that sweet nectar flowing in her veins.

This weekend was not turning out the way I had planned. I had longed to be alone with her like this, and now that it was happening it was both better and worse than I had anticipated.

She was all too human, and I was still the monster that could be responsible for ending her life. Not on purpose, but if I got carried away and lost control for even a moment it could lead to disaster.

There was nothing to hold me back either. Her father did know she was with me, but he thought she was with my parents as well, on a family camping trip. Not lying in my arms all night in a private cabin, deep in the woods where no one would hear her if she screamed. This presented a temptation like no other.

She was so trusting and so enthusiastic about being with me, in every way, as any normal woman wants to be with the man she loves. I still could not believe she loved me like that. I wanted to reveal every aspect of myself and I wanted to know every part of her as well.

At the same time, I was terribly afraid. It was incredible that an angel such as she would want to be anywhere near a creature of the night like me. Now I lusted after her body the way I had originally lusted after her blood, and this was just as threatening to her precious life. I was constantly monitoring my contact with her so I wouldn't crush her by accident. She was so fragile and so fearless. What a deadly and awe-inspiring combination.

My lips longed to explore every inch of her, from head to toe. All her delicate flesh… and to linger on her supple-- no, I must not think about that with her so close to me now. It was too dangerous. Already her intoxicating scent was a part of my every breath; no wonder my mind was inspired to dream of such pleasures.

She was so innocent, no matter how much she tried to tempt me this weekend, I knew it was all an act. I knew she was just as inexperienced as I was, and actually far more innocent. She hadn't heard the lustful thoughts of so many humans over the years, planning their physical activities in great detail, nor lived with Emmett and Rosalie. As much as I had tried to block these thoughts from my mind, I had heard them and now I had to admit that similar thoughts were running through my mind.

I couldn't avoid thinking about these things because of Bella. She made me feel human without even trying. Just her mere presence made my body want to react in ways I had never dreamed of before meeting her. Oh, for the day when my mouth could touch her skin without having to worry that I might kill her.

The day I long for and dread at the same time. Because that is the day she will no longer have a real life. She will exist, with me, but she will no longer be human.

She made me feel more human than ever but she also reminded me of just how much of a monster I could be. I was afraid of losing her, but I had to be honest with her and let her decide. Otherwise, if she found out I had been less than truthful, she would come to hate me later, and I could hardly blame her.

She never ceased to amaze me with her resilience. She had been so sweet and clever at breakfast with the horoscope business, so grateful for this trip, so hopeful about our ever-cloudy future. I didn't want to disappoint her; if she loved me, I would just have to try to live up to her expectations.

I thought getting her away from the near constant turmoil in Forks would be the perfect plan. Of course I had factored in every variable except for her reactions. If only I knew what went on in her mind; she was the one mystery I would spend my whole 'life' trying to unravel.

On top of this trail, with the ocean breeze gently blowing around us made for an idyllic setting. Feeling Bella lean against me, to hear the steady breath in her perfect body and smell her wondrous scent was combining to send my thoughts over the edge.

I longed to possess her, to know she was mine in every way. I wanted to shower her entire body with kisses. I needed to run my fingertips over her enchanting, supple flesh, exploring every inch of her. Being so close to her like this made me feel things I had never even dreamed about. She made me so happy. She made me into a different person. I could feel the excitement of being so close to her bringing me to life. I felt a shiver of desire run through me and then I heard her heart thud and she exhaled deeply.

I carefully, gently lifted her hair off her neck and pushed it to the other side. I inhaled her scent rising from the warm flesh of her delicate throat. There was no other aroma like this on earth, or I would venture to guess, in Heaven. She was special, unique, and she belonged to me. I tightened my grip on her waist although she was already pressed against me. She couldn't be close enough to suit me at this moment. Instead of tensing, she relaxed against me, inviting me to proceed.

I could feel myself getting carried away breathing her in, and felt the electrical pulses coursing through my body. A slow, seductive growl escaped from my throat and I listened intently to her heartbeat speed up. I pressed my lips against the soft skin on her neck, feeling the blood pulsing just beneath the surface. A constant reminder of who she was and what I was, but that was a temptation I had conquered.

Although the burning was ever present in the back of my throat, I couldn't drink her blood now. She was the most important person in the world to me and I would not harm her; I would sooner be ripped apart limb by limb than intentionally hurt her.

Being this near to her, kissing her tender throat was pure bliss. I wanted to feel my cool skin against all of her warm, silky flesh with no barriers keeping us apart. I wanted to feel her arms around me and hear her whisper that I belonged to her. I had come to believe what she was always saying… that the two of us were meant for each other. As unholy an alliance as it was, as miserably uneven, we were the angel and the demon. I wanted to believe that I was meant to find her and that she was meant to love me alone.

She was the answer to my unspoken prayer and to spend my time loving and worshipping her for eternity would be like living a dream instead of the nightmare so much of my existence had been.

I felt her stirring and she turned her face to look at me. Every moment with her like this made me happier than I ever imagined my wretched self could be. I leaned into her and softly kissed her, moving my lips gently against hers, willing her to feel the peace our being together brought to me. As much as I wanted to be with her, I felt content to savor a moment like this.

She leaned back against me again and sighed. Her hands were still resting on top of mine and she took my left hand in both of hers and started tracing the lines on my hand. Evidently she had seen enough of the ocean from this vantage point. Then she raised my hand to her face and pressed her warm, soft lips into my cold palm, which I found intensely erotic.

She broke my reverie by saying, "Edward, what are you thinking right now?"

Perhaps this would be a good time to stop holding back. I decided to tell her exactly what was on my mind and then evaluate her response. I leaned my head forward to place my cheek next to hers and whispered, "I may not be able to sleep, but it doesn't stop me from dreaming about the day I can lose myself in the warm, tender shelter of your exquisite body."

Her heart began to race and I could feel the heat building in her cheek as she blushed. I smiled as that heat fueled my desire for her even more. I had to kiss her, now. I pressed my lips against her neck and kissed my way up to her jaw. She started to quiver as she turned her face to help me happily find her delicious mouth. I felt such a thrill when our lips met. I caressed her lips with a slow, sweet kiss and she warmed me to my core. She was clearly impatient with my leisurely pace but I wanted to take my time and linger over every part of her.

When I reluctantly released her she smiled and said, "I love you so much, Edward. You make me so happy, I never want this to end."

"And I love you, my dearest Bella. You make me happier than I ever thought possible."

I stroked her cheek with my fingertips and felt her pulse quicken, sending a wave of joy through me. I bent forward and she raised her arm and ran her fingers through my hair, then pulled my face closer to hers. Our lips met and I felt an explosion deep within me, as if our souls were entwined. Her warm lips eagerly explored my cool ones and I felt my desire for her with a burning intensity.

She was so vital, so alive. I could feel her heart beating wildly and her blood racing through the veins under her delicate skin, making her beautiful cheeks flush dramatically. Her glorious scent filled my nostrils and I couldn't inhale deeply enough to satisfy my craving for her. Her grip tightened at the back of my neck and I slid my hand up her back, feeling her silky skin as I held her even closer as we continued our exploration of pleasure.

I gently lifted my head and reluctantly removed my lips from hers. "Breathe, Bella, love, please breathe," I pled.

She took a huge gasp of air and lay in my arms, her lovely brown eyes closed and a smile on her luscious lips. I loved watching her like this, as she recovered from one of our encounters. I wondered if she had any idea of the effect she had on me.

"Bella, I want you to know that up until I met you and fell in love with you, I had never experienced anything like this, like the joy you bring to me. Just a single kiss with you is more than I ever hoped for."

She opened her eyes and they locked onto mine. I continued, "When your hand touches mine, I feel this electricity coursing through my whole body; it's unlike anything I've ever felt before."

I had to let her know how much she meant to me, saying, "I had given up on ever finding anyone like you. I didn't think this kind of love could exist for me. I didn't think I was worthy and I didn't think it was possible."

She put her hand up and touched my lips, saying, "Don't say that, Edward. I know you had to wait a long time for me to come along, but you were always worthy. I still can't believe you feel about me the way I feel about you. I get a thrill when you touch me, too. I often wonder if I haven't just dreamed you up," she confided.

"If you were dreaming, wouldn't you have conjured up someone with a less complicated past?" I mused.

"I'll take you however I can get you; past, present and future, no matter how complicated it gets. You belong to me now and forever," she said emphatically, sliding her hand across my cheek and resting it at the back of my neck again. These were exactly the words I longed to her from her lips. She rubbed her delicate fingers against my neck, and I felt a tingle run down my spine.

I couldn't help myself, I tightened my grip on her, holding her closely against my chest, feeling her lips on the side of my neck as she pressed her forehead against my jaw. She drew her hand up to my face and then pulled away so I could lose myself in her deep, dark, mysterious chocolate brown eyes. Then she moved closer and I felt the tip of her tongue barely whisper against the corner of my upper lip. She was driving me mad with desire.

"Bella," I whispered, "whether I deserve you or not, I'll take you any way I can get you; for an hour, a day, or a lifetime."

"Forever," she breathed.

**Bella's Point of View**

This was one of the nicest hikes I'd ever been on. Getting to the top of Mt. Vision had been a quick trip for Edward, and it was such a pleasure to be held in his arms, the ocean breeze caressing my face as we swiftly made our way through the forest to the summit. The views were spectacular, and it was so private.

Edward had said that there were over 80,000 acres of national parkland out on the Point, but this morning less than a dozen people were hiking, and fortunately, none of them were anywhere near us. This was especially good for him, since it meant he didn't have to hear what was going on in other people's minds and he could rest and relax with me. The cabin was good in that way, too. It was so secluded, and outside of a few guests up at the Lodge, who he could easily block out, there weren't a lot of others around to intrude into his thoughts.

We had sat down under a cloudy but bright sky, Edward's back against a boulder and me leaning back against his chest. We enjoyed the view and watched the sea birds fly and dip into the waves before they lapped against the shore.

I thought about all that had happened last night and this morning and how even if our physical relationship wasn't advancing at the pace I was hoping for, it was still wonderful to be completely alone with him.

We could lie in bed and not have to worry about Charlie unexpectedly coming into my room. We could be completely peaceful and relaxed without hearing Emmett shouting at Jasper, or Alice bounding in with some new purchase she wanted to show me. I loved Edward's family, but it was difficult to be alone and uninterrupted there.

We really needed this time to be together. I had thought I was holding up fairly well during the past few weeks, but the stress had been horrendous and after it was all over I had a mini-breakdown, crying all night.

I hadn't fully explained myself and I didn't know what Edward thought, except that I was even more fragile than he already believed. I didn't want to leave him with that impression, but I didn't know how to discuss it, either.

I had so many conflicting emotions that day, it was like all my circuits were overloaded and had been blown out. I still didn't know exactly how to explain my feelings. I wasn't confused anymore. It was just very difficult to find the right words, and I didn't want to say the wrong thing and make Edward insecure about my feelings for him. I was sure about my love for him and about his love for me.

That love was leading to marriage. This was still a difficult concept for me to grasp, but I was warming to it. I thought about our wedding. When it was finally time to walk down the aisle, I was fairly confident that I'd have an out-of-body experience as well as an inability to recognize my closest relatives.

The good news in all this was that I was deeply in love with the groom. The bad news was… well, it depended on how you looked at it, and I chose not to look at that part right now.

Sometimes I thought that my mind was not my friend. Its ability to look into the environment, perceive "what is" and relate it back to me was depressingly inadequate. As a result, I found myself listening to this sort of interior dialogue: Look at Edward watching me. He loves me.

_If he loves you, why did he abandon you? _

Because he thought that's what was best for me. Of course it was a colossal mistake that caused me to get way too involved with Jacob, but Edward had no way of knowing that. He would do anything to protect me.

_He would like to hermetically seal you in a jar and keep you on his front porch._

Stop!

I was brought out of my reverie when I felt something stir behind me. Edward was getting excited. Was this all it took? Just me sitting in front of him… leaning against him? What must he have been going through last night with me throwing caution to the wind and lying there naked?

I guessed I should be grateful that his self-control is as superhuman as his speed and hearing, but I was getting so impatient. My heart thudded; I must control myself. If I seemed too enthusiastic it would just scare him away. I sighed longingly.

I felt Edward's hand brush the hair away from the right side of my neck. Just that light contact with his fingertips made my skin tingle. Then I felt his cool lips press against my throat and I got goose bumps but it felt so good. His lips traveled up my neck and he gave me a soft, gentle kiss on my lips.

I loved him so much and it felt like I would explode if I couldn't express it fully. Was this going to be another exploration of our boundaries or could I hope that he had changed his mind and was now ready to give me everything I wanted? Maybe I could give him a little help.

"Edward, what are thinking right now?"

In the most velvet tone I had heard today, Edward whispered, "I may not be able to sleep, but it doesn't stop me from dreaming about the day I can lose myself in the warm, tender shelter of your exquisite body."

Was he trying to send me to an early grave? Hearing words like that coming out of his full, perfect lips was almost more than my poor heart could take. It set off in a sprint and I saw Edward's mouth curve into a wicked smile. Just the thought of sheltering him in my body made me tremble and blush.

I turned my face toward him and he moved his lips up from my neck to my jaw and then found his way to my eager lips. It was the sweetest kiss. His lips were warm from contact with my neck and as excited as I was getting, I suddenly felt calm and relaxed.

"I love you so much, Edward. You make me so happy, I never want this to end."

"And I love you, my dearest Bella. You make me happier than I ever thought possible."

He said some lovely things about how he felt sparks when we touched and how he wanted me whether he deserved me or not. I tried my best to reassure him that I felt the same way about him. Then he kissed me again, thoroughly and thrillingly, and I was left gasping for breath.

It made me sad to think of him wandering the world without me for so long, but amazed that we found each other in tiny Forks. It had to be fate; it had to be destiny. It couldn't be an accident that we met. We were meant to be together for all time.

When we were alone together like this, I had to question my hesitation about getting married. It was the gateway to being with him forever. I didn't know why I was so concerned about what everyone was saying about me getting married so young.

I was already That Girl. I was the girl who had a complete nervous breakdown when her boyfriend dumped her. I was the girl who had already jumped out of a hotel window (jumped/fell, I knew what the gossip mongers were saying). Thank goodness not that many people knew about the cliff diving incident (werewolves, yes, people, no). That pack mentality was as bad about sharing information as were the Cullen family. A family I was dying to be a part of, literally.

What would my special gift be? The ability to constantly attract danger and need to be rescued? Big help that was going to be; I couldn't even contemplate that particular trait being magnified. Perhaps the ability to stand next to Rosalie and not be completely invisible… I wondered if my looks and gracefulness would improve. My current lack of grace could hardly get worse. Could it?

I sighed. Leave it to me, even in this oasis of tranquility, to create a monster, a voracious little stinker that gnawed at my peace of mind like a slightly irregular freckle that could be melanoma.

Then Edward said he had another special place to show me, so after walking on the trail for a minute, he scooped me up in his arms, a place where I always felt safe, and started running off the trail and into the deepest part of the forest. I felt just as exhilarated as he did when the breeze cooled my cheeks. I kept my eyes closed so as not to see the blur of limbs and branches flying by. We stopped and he set me down in a small clearing next to what looked like prehistoric ferns, six feet tall, and ancient, massive Douglas fir trees.

Amidst the stillness of the evergreen forest we could hear the soft murmur of a flock of quail nearby. Edward took off his backpack and spread a blanket on a patch of wild grass thick with blue, yellow and red wildflowers. Just then a bird at the top of a giant redwood tree began trilling a beautiful song. "Do you know what kind of bird that is?" I asked Edward, fairly sure he would.

"It's an evening grosbeak. The males sing almost continuously until they find a mate."

"And then they stop trying to entertain her? Just like a man," I said provocatively.

Edward sat on the blanket and pulled me down to sit in his lap, a carpet of wildflowers spread out around us. It was beautiful, serene, and totally private. Or so we thought. A lone chipmunk climbed to the top of a fallen log about ten feet away from us. He let out a single, high-pitched chirp and then cast an expectant look in my direction.

I remembered the almonds I had stuffed in my front pocket and fished them out. Edward reached over and took one, then expertly tossed it so it landed at the chipmunk's feet. He sniffed at it and then used his two tiny front paws to pick it delicately up and take a bite of it.

"I thought animals were supposed to shy away from you…" I said quizzically.

"Perhaps he hasn't noticed me, if he's as intoxicated by your scent as I am," he said with a crooked smile.

How could I argue with that? "Well, I think he may be more attuned to the scent of almonds than he is to either of us," I suggested, as Edward tossed another almond at the chipmunk, who eagerly stuffed it in his mouth.

It peered at us though the soft filtered light again, as if to say, "OK, I know you have more almonds."

"Lay the almonds in the palm of your hand and hold still; we'll see just how hungry this little guy is," Edward proposed.

I stretched out my hand amidst the wildflowers and it didn't take long for the chipmunk to scamper down from his log and approach my hand. It stopped and looked up into my face, and then cautiously placed a tiny paw on my hand.

I held perfectly still and he picked up an almond and stuffed it into his mouth, where he already had one. His jaws looked full but he picked up still another almond and placed it sideways in his front teeth and then turned and sped off into the darkness of the forest where he disappeared.

"They didn't seem concerned about your presence at all," I marveled to Edward.

"Perhaps this is a magical forest," he murmured into my ear as he started slowly kissing my neck.

His cool lips made my blood start to race. I knew he could feel it too, but he kept his lips pressed against my neck where the throbbing was the strongest. I began to feel light-headed and had to gasp for breath. I dropped the almonds and clutched at his arm as he turned me to face him.

"You're so warm, so soft, so delicate, like one of these wildflowers," he mused.

"Am I in full bloom?" I teased.

"Not quite," he chuckled.

"Well, I think I am; and I'm not going to stay in full bloom forever, you know." I wanted to be plucked right now. The sooner the better… before I got any older.

He sat up and gave me a stern look. "Bella, what do you know about forever? You have barely lived eighteen years."

He wasn't really going to start talking about age with me, was he? There were a couple of different ways I could go with this, but I decided to take the high road. I wouldn't let him upset me now. I took a deep, cleansing breath.

I replied sweetly, "I know I always want to be with you."

He ran his hand through his hair but never took his eyes off me. "Try to imagine yourself at forty. Then sixty. Then eighty."

"Stop. I don't want to see myself getting old. Why are you doing this?" I was beginning to get alarmed.

"I just want you to think about the passage of time. You are so young. Do you even have a concept of forever? Sometimes a year can seem endless… and there are so many things you have not experienced."

I had a fleeting thought of the months when he had been gone and how they had seemed like a lifetime. But I had hardly even been living then. "I don't care. I want to experience everything with you."

"Everything except growing old," he said, his voice sounding low and slightly bitter.

"Yes. I think growing old is highly overrated. The wrinkles, the diseases, the failing eyesight, the hip fractures. Really, Edward, with my luck I wouldn't make it past 21 anyway. You know that's true." He did know it, but I wasn't sure he would own up to it.

"I hate to admit it, but you have a point. I just do not want to see you make this decision without examining every aspect. I am so afraid you will have regrets."

"I have already examined every aspect, Edward, and the only thing I would regret is losing a moment with you. The only time I care about is time when we can be together."

"You are such a romantic," he said kissing my fingertips.

"And you're not," I accused, watching him holding my hand to his lips like someone out of a silent movie.

He couldn't help how attractive he was. I wondered what he had looked like as a human, with green eyes and soft, warm skin. I imagined what he would look like if he blushed. My heart did a flip-flop. Human, blushing Edward would be more than I could take. I felt faint just thinking about him.

I lay back on the blanket and held out my arms to him. He slowly moved toward me on his hands and knees, prowling like the big cat he was, until he was next to me. I sighed.

"I'm not trying to start something, Edward. I just need you to hold me the way you did last night. Please."

He looked willing, but slightly confused. "Fine, Bella, but what do you mean?"

"You're usually so careful, but last night when you were on top of me you let me feel the weight of you, pressing against me. I felt so safe, so secure… so happy." I blushed then, and he seemed to understand.

He moved to place a knee on either side of my legs and then put his hands next to my shoulders as he hovered over me.

"Now put your arms around me," I instructed.

He lowered himself to rest on his elbows and slid his hands behind my back.

"It's difficult for me to know… tell me when…" he mused.

I put one hand on his back and the other around his neck, gently pulling him toward me. He slowly eased himself down until I could feel every part of him resting on me. The hard planes of his body made delicious contact with what few curves I had. I smiled and saw him smiling, too, as I rested my hand on his broad shoulder.

"I agree, Bella, this is wonderful." He leaned down and skimmed his nose along my jaw, inhaling deeply, and then said, "No one ever has or ever will smell as good as you."

I reached up and touched his face gently, wanting him to feel how much I loved him with every movement of my fingertips. I traced along his strong jaw line and then around his full, shapely lips, across his perfect cheekbones and over his closed eyelids. I slid my fingers into his hair and massaged his scalp. This close contact I craved eased my anxiety and made it easier for me to tell him what was on my mind.

"I feel like no one can ever take me away from you when we're like this. I want this so badly, Edward, and sometimes I feel like it will never happen. I don't seem to be able to get close enough to you and it's like this constant ache."

His eyes were smoldering. "I think I can understand that; my body aches for you as well. We just have to be patient for a little while longer. It will be worth it." He seemed to be reminding himself as much as me.

"I think I have a lot to learn about patience," I sighed.

"We both do... but it helps that when I look into your sparkling brown eyes I lose all track of time." His crooked smile appeared, much to my delight.

"When I see you like this, so tiny, fragile, defenseless, and willing… you are so utterly beautiful you astound me. I cannot believe all this loveliness belongs to me," he said, his voice full of wonder.

"Believe it, Edward. I'm all yours." _For the taking._

"Mine. Now and forever," he almost growled.

I shivered, wanting nothing more for those words to be true and immutable. "That's all I wish for; you belong to me, too," I affirmed.

I saw his eyes darken as he gazed at my mouth. I ran my tongue over my bottom lip in anticipation. When he spoke, his voice was low and laced with longing.

"This might be a good time to practice… some control. Do you think if I kissed you now we could just… enjoy it without getting… overly excited?"

I knew exactly what he meant. He wanted to know if I could handle myself and not get upset with him when he pulled away. I had to admit he was right to question me about this. I had been behaving abominably, but I couldn't help it that he was so attractive.

"I will try to be good, and I can promise that I won't get mad at you, no matter what. How's that?"

"It sounds too good to be true, but I will take it anyway." Edward lowered his head so his lips were about an inch away from mine. "You are too beautiful for your own good."

When he said things like that the butterflies flew from my stomach up to my throat and I was rendered speechless. Not to mention I was inhaling his sweet breath which always made me lose a little bit of my mind.

He began kissing me slowly and gently at first, but it wasn't long before his lips were moving against mine with more pressure and I felt all the passion and longing we had for each other. He deepened the kiss as his body pressed against mine, sending electric shocks to all my nerve endings. My fingers knotted in his hair as his icy tongue lightly traced the contours of my lips.

"Edward," I gasped, beginning to tremble with the pent up desire I felt for him.

He slid his hands down and underneath the hem of my tee shirt, his cool fingertips coming in contact with the skin on my back and making me shiver and press myself against his chest.

After giving me a moment to breathe, he brought his mouth to mine again and his tongue began to brush my lips, easily parting them as he tortured me with his gentle teasing.

Edward started to draw away and I looked up into his blazing golden eyes. He was about to move his body off of mine but I kept my arms tightly around him.

"Can you stay Edward… please don't move. It's hard to imagine anything feeling better than this."

I couldn't help but long for the time when I could become a part of him and never leave. That would be better, but for now, this was bliss.

Edward leaned forward to kiss the slopes of my breasts exposed by the scoop neckline of my designer tee shirt. I involuntarily arched my back, pressing myself nearer to him. He raised his head.

"You like that?" He sounded genuinely curious.

"I don't think there's a part of my body that wouldn't like you kissing it," I managed to respond, my mind clouded by lust.

"That's good to know, because believe me, I want to put my lips on every part of you," he murmured as he went back to kissing his way across the tender flesh of my chest and back up to my neck.

My heart felt like it would beat out of my chest; he was going to make me faint.

I placed both my hands on his face and gazed into his eyes, willing him to know how much I loved him and wanted him.

"I wish you could know what it feels like when your warm little hands touch my skin… it's indescribable. I have never allowed anyone, vampire or human, to touch me as you do and I never will," he solemnly vowed.

"I know what you mean, Edward. I feel it, too, and I want to give myself to you completely, only you, 'til the end of time."

He cursed so softly I could just barely hear it. "Bella, that is exactly what I want. I want to be the only one who ever makes love to you. I want to possess you and never leave your side."

Then his lips captured mine in a fierce kiss and I could feel all the excitement he could barely contain. He let me feel it and I was so glad some of his reserve was finally slipping.

He let his tongue flit out softly against my lips and I gasped. He slipped his tongue inside my mouth and gently explored. I held still and kept my hands in place on his cheeks, trying hard not to stimulate him any more than he already was. This was fantastic enough and I didn't want it to end abruptly because I lost control. One of his hands slid up my back and came to rest on my neck, holding me firmly to him.

His cool, sweet breath was inside my mouth now and I could taste him; pure, unadulterated Edward. I could never get enough of him if I lived a thousand years. All my senses were overloaded and my heart was racing. He started placing soft kisses on my lips and then my cheeks.

I could feel the vein in my throat throbbing like crazy; evidently so could Edward because he moved his lips down my neck until they covered my pulsating flesh. His lips moved slowly and sensually against my skin and then I felt his cold tongue and I shuddered beneath him, a breathy cry escaping my lips. He moved a little lower and began sucking on the area between my collarbone and shoulder and I couldn't hold still any longer. I began squirming and I pressed myself against him as hard as I could. His hands gently roamed across the skin on my back as he held me tight.

It was a good thing I was lying flat on my back because my knees had turned to liquid and there was no way I would have been able to remain standing. I was a little dizzy but nothing had ever felt this good. I loved the sensation of him on top of me, so strong and powerful, and I couldn't help but respond. There was no doubt he was all man and he made me more aware that I was a woman than I had ever been before.

Where did he learn how to do this? How did he get so good at it? He was supposed to be as inexperienced as I was, and yet his every touch was so perfect, making me feel the beginning of an ecstasy I had never known. I felt like I was burning up inside for him.

My mind wandered to Denali and that inhumanly beautiful strawberry blonde who had tempted him in ways that no other man had ever resisted. Supposedly he had never even kissed her, but I had to wonder. If he hadn't found her alluring charms attractive, what did I have that she didn't?

Blood flowing in my veins was the only answer I could come up with. He wanted someone warm and soft pressed against his perfect, cold body.

He began kissing his way across my collarbone and then down my chest; he paused and gently rested his head over my heart, listening to it beat wildly. I was panting and my chest was moving up and down rapidly.

"That is the most beautiful sound in the world to me," he whispered, just loud enough so I could hear him.

I put my hand in his bronze locks and marveled at how soft and silky they felt. He sighed in contentment. Edward had been able to go much further this time without having to abruptly pull away. We were making progress and it gave me hope for the future.

When my heart calmed down to a normal rate he lifted his head and moved back up to nuzzle my neck. He inhaled deeply and then started to mumble something about how good I smelled. His words were vibrating softly against my skin and I could feel goose bumps forming on my arms and legs.

"You are a dream come true for me, Bella, a dream I never even had the courage to dream. I still feel like I don't deserve you, but I love you too much to ever let you go now," he breathed softly.

I felt my heart swell at hearing those words. I blushed and protested, "We were created for each other, Edward. You must believe that."

He kissed my forehead, my temple and then my cheek. "The way your face turns such a delicious shade of pink should be illegal; you are such a temptation," he said before he buried his face in my neck again.

I realized he'd just listed all my human qualities… my blush, my heartbeat, my warmth, my scent, my brown eyes. I was right. These were the things that attracted him to me. These were the things he loved about me. These were the things that were going to disappear when I became a vampire. I suddenly felt ill.

The idea of making love to him now seemed like a distant, half-remembered algebraic formula. If we made love while I was still human it would always be something he would remember and be able to compare. He seemed to like it that I was soft, and fragile and weak. Clearly, me in my human state was what he craved. If he wanted this so much, how was he able to resist?

How would he feel about me when I was cold, hard and strong? He would never see me blush again, never hear my heartbeat again. How disappointed would he be when I no longer had those qualities that drew him to me? Would he leave me then? I vaguely wondered if he would run away, screaming.

I wouldn't survive that. Of course I would already be dead by then. He couldn't kill me twice, could he? There had to be more to our relationship than some cursed, aromatic red liquid. Why did my pitiful, insignificant little life have to be so complicated? What was it about me that attracted beautiful mythological creatures? I was so ordinary it was scary, much scarier than they were.

**Edward's POV**

Having just told my Bella she was a temptation, I had to admit this was pure bliss. Holding Bella, kissing her, and at her invitation. To know she wanted this, she wanted me, frightening creature that I was, thrilled me beyond words. When she held out her arms to me and explained how she longed to feel my body pressed against hers, I could not refuse her.

We were of a single mind about this. I wanted exactly what she wanted; and then to feel her lovely, delicate, body respond with shudders and quivering underneath mine, almost sent me over the edge. Her full lips were too enticing and I went further than usual, which she clearly enjoyed. She was being so good though, maintaining more control than she had before.

By her pleasurable but relaxed acceptance of my kisses I was able to push our boundaries a bit, with no adverse consequences. Tasting her sweetness and warmth was exquisite beyond imagining. Her throbbing pulse had almost been my undoing, but I managed to channel my desire for her blood into desire for her body, a need I knew was going to be fulfilled before very long.

I had to stop to let her catch her breath, and when I looked down at her red, swollen lips I knew we had reached the point where I had to stop before I inflicted true damage. I had given into sweet temptation when I moved down her neck to the top of her beautiful breasts, which I could not resist tasting with my cold lips. Ambrosia. She had risen to press herself against me then, and I was surprised by that reaction. When she assured me she wanted to feel my lips all over her I wanted nothing more than to oblige her desire, but knew this wasn't the moment. How could I not look forward to a future spent loving her?

She had me totally bewitched. I tried to let her know how delighted I was by all of her charms, and how much I adored every part of her. My beautiful Bella; and she assured me she was all mine. I wished I could believe her, but I still felt she was holding a bit of herself back. I wasn't sure what that meant, but I could not ignore it forever.

I sighed. If I wanted her to tell me the whole truth I would have to give her the opportunity. I slowly slid my hands away from her supple back and moved away from her, leaning back on my elbows next to where she lay. I watched her lying there, so still, with her eyes closed.

"If I am going to be completely honest with you, Bella, there is something else I should tell you. If you are going to be with me forever, I don't want to share you. I want you to belong to me and only me."

**Bella's POV**

I opened my eyes and looked up at him, watching me. "I do, Edward, you must know that by now. I belong to only you," I said as sincerely as I could, turning to lie on my side, propping my head on my arm.

"Can you give me all of your heart?" He sounded doubtful and it broke my heart to think that he thought he still had a rival.

I knew what he was getting at. Jacob. But Jake was part of my past, not my future. I had accepted that, and although I would miss my friend, I had made my choice. I guess I had given Edward reason to be wary, but I was willing to marry him, I was giving myself to him forever, wasn't that enough to convince him?

"Yes, Edward. You already have all of my heart. I wish you could hear my thoughts so you would know for sure, but you just have to believe me."

"I want you to be happy, Bella." He didn't sound happy.

"I am happy. You make me happier than I have ever been."

He still looked doubtful and didn't reply. Unfortunately, there was still a part of me that was riddled with insecurity. We had been talking more frankly than ever, though, and after the way he had opened up to me at the top of the mountain I felt like this might be the right time to approach a delicate subject.

With his very passionate kisses fresh on my lips, the way he had just cataloged what he considered to be my charms was weighing heavily on my clouded mind. I sat up and crossed my legs.

"Sometimes I get the feeling that you just want to keep me human because I'm a novelty, and if I lost my warmth you'd lose interest in me." As soon as the words had left my mouth I knew I had made a mistake. I wanted to bite my tongue but then thought that might not be such a good idea.

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**AN: If you didn't take my advice and open that review window already, do it now, please. It really helps to hear what you like and don't like. I want to thank my beta, not done baking, for her endless patience and skill. Ranma15177 is also offering her insight and wisdom to help shape and refine this tale from Chapter 18 on. I'm very lucky and grateful to have help like this, so cheerful given.**

**Ranma15177 has two wonderful stories going right now: Escaping Sol and Making A Home. Please take a look at my Profile page or my Favorite Stories list to find links and read them, you'll be glad you did. **


	22. We Both Go Down Together

**AN: If you usually skip these, you'll want to read this one, even though it's long. Like Stephenie, who dreamed the meadow scene and wrote Twilight around it, this is the chapter I dreamed, last September, that inspired this story. I started writing it then, and by the time I put it online, Feb.7, 2008, I had already written over two-thirds of the whole story.**

**Edward and Bella go through a lot to be together. They both make mistakes and deal with the consequences. One of the first things Bella tells Edward is that she's good at repressing unpleasant things; but what does all that repression do? In my story, it builds resentment. She forgave him so easily when he came back in New Moon, and I totally understand that (I would have, too). However, she was wounded so badly that there must be other feelings there, feelings that have to come out at some point; she is only human. I also think that her insecurities may be masking resentment that she has never expressed.**

**Edward too has always found it difficult to believe that she can love a monster like him. He knows she experimented with Jacob, and even though it was with his permission, with his basic insecurity, I find it plausible that he would also harbor some resentment.**

**I am aiming for originality in this story, and I'm very interested to see your response to this chapter. For those of you who want less thinking and more action, your time has arrived. I almost titled this chapter "Playing With Fire," but went instead with the title of one of my favorite songs by The Decemberists.**

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**Chapter 22: _We Both Go Down Together_**

With his very passionate kisses fresh on my lips, the way he had just cataloged what he considered to be my charms was weighing heavily on my clouded mind. I sat up and crossed my legs.

"Sometimes I get the feeling that you just want to keep me human because I'm a novelty, and if I lost my warmth you'd lose interest in me." As soon as the words had left my mouth I knew I had made a mistake. I wanted to bite my tongue but then thought that might not be such a good idea.

"Bella, how can you say that?" He sounded wounded and genuinely surprised. "I thought you understood me better than that." He sighed heavily.

"Well, I won't blush anymore, and you can't deny you find that attractive."

"Yes, your blush will fade, but the quality inside you that produces that blush, your sensitivity, will not change. That is what I fell in love with; the essence of you, your heart, your soul. There is nothing that could change about you that would affect the way I love you. Even if you stopped loving me, I would always love you. That's the way I am," he said simply.

It was just like him to have a ready answer, but I was so upset I could hardly process the words. The idea that he would reject me when I was no longer human had taken hold. He couldn't possibly say he was looking forward to gazing into my blood red eyes for the next year. Even I wouldn't believe that. I was never going to be able to dazzle him the way he did me. It was all so frustrating.

"It just seems like you enjoy all my human qualities so much you don't want me to ever change," I objected.

"As fragile as you are, it's still in your best interest to stay human. Believe me, I can't recommend you rush into the alternative," he said gently.

"Well that's an option I would like to explore," I asserted.

"It's not an exploration," he exploded, running his hand through his hair, making it look wilder than ever. "This is precisely why I don't think you understand what you're getting yourself into. If you did, you could not talk about exploring your options. It's not someplace you can wander in and out of at will. You cannot go halfway and then change your mind, and there's no going back. Ever," he stated harshly.

His words frightened me. I was beginning to doubt that he was ever going to change me, even though he had promised. We had a deal, and I was keeping up my end of it; I was going to marry him. He knew what he had to do yet he still seemed so reluctant to even talk about it. I was getting more irritated by the moment.

Stung, I lashed out, "I just hope you don't wait until it's too late. What if I'm in an accident and die before you decide I'm able to make an informed decision?"

"Bella!" he thundered, "don't say that. Don't _ever_ say that," he paused for a moment, trying to regain some calm. "What can I do to get out of this conversation?" he asked, exasperated.

"Have it," I spat out the words. His unwillingness to discuss this was apparent to me and it just fueled my fury.

Strain still apparent in his voice he said, "I don't know what your problem is, but my problem is you." He closed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose.

"Why don't you just tell me another lie? You're good at making me believe them," I hissed.

His head snapped up and at first he looked shocked and then infuriated. The whole line of his body appeared to morph into sharp, defined angles. His jaw clenched and his mouth was set in a grim line.

I waited for him to speak, but he just glared at me. I was irrationally angry now. "I know. You're bigger than me, you're stronger than me, you're older than me. So all that means you know better than me," I said, hearing the harsh tone in my voice but just getting started. I felt everything I had been holding back about to pour out.

"Have you forgotten that I figured out your secret before you told me? That I noticed how your eyes change color when you're hungry? That I can read your mind better than you can read mine?" That last one had to smart, but I had to find a way to reach him.

He imperiously raised an eyebrow but remained silent, just watching my face.

I didn't know where all this anger was coming from, but I felt it welling up within me and I couldn't stop it from spilling out.

"I have never taken you into the woods and left you all alone. Disappeared without even looking back. Left you wounded and heartbroken, with no one to turn to. You also took Alice when you left, you know." I thought I had forgiven him, but I felt this resentment gushing out of me.

His topaz eyes were flickering with a mixture of emotions I couldn't identify, but it didn't look good.

I took a deep breath and then continued, "I have _never_ left you." I felt tears welling up in my eyes. "And with the way things are going, it won't even be my choice when I do go."

He winced and then said quietly, "You took the hit that day, but I was the one who was knocked out."

"That's debatable," I snapped.

"Being here with you like this has made me realize some things, Bella. The day I took you into the woods and lied to you," he paused and took a deep breath. "I know now that I made that mistake because I had never been in love before. I had so little experience. I was so confused, and wanted to do the right thing. I just did not know that my leaving you would be so devastating, to both of us. I mistakenly thought I was protecting you when in reality I was destroying you. I cannot believe your love survived my stupidity."

Hearing those words made hot tears spill out of my eyes and run down my cheeks. I knew it must be true. He had never been in love before and neither had I. He had been alone for so long, never knowing any warmth, never knowing a loving touch; a passionate kiss. Never having the comfort of someone to love and hold in his arms to make his endless nights bearable. It hurt me so much to think of him like that.

We had both made stupid mistakes but now I was afraid he was changing his mind about wanting me to be with him forever. He had admitted his previous mistake but was he going to make another one? I couldn't let that happen.

"But I never stopped loving you and I forgave you. I have chosen to be with you. It's my choice. You - are - my - life. What will it take to convince you?" I was wailing now, tears running down my cheeks.

He moved so quickly I didn't see it but in the space of a heartbeat I suddenly found myself against his chest, his arms circled around me. He was kissing the top of my head and quietly said, "Please don't cry. I believe you. It's just that I want to spare you from any kind of pain and loss, and I'm still finding it difficult to reconcile what you want and what's good for you."

He was so soothing; I slowly stopped crying and dried my eyes.

My guilt for what I had already put him through was kicking in, and I sighed and said, "Oh Edward, my fundamental character flaws are so deeply embedded in my consciousness, it actually feels as if they're entwined with the strands of my DNA. I'm just bad for people. I don't mean to be, but I can't help myself. I make your life more difficult and I've ruined Jacob's life--" I stopped abruptly, wondering if I would ever learn to keep some of my thoughts to myself.

I felt his arms drop as he released me from his hold.

"Very thoughtful of you, Bella, to remind me of the dog," he said bitterly. "Jacob knew of our commitment to each other, but he disrespected that and without unnecessarily flattering you, I understood it. I can still understand it, but you betrayed me for Jacob. An incredible choice! And I thought I was the one who was heartless," he said, shaking his head and moving away from me.

It shook me to hear Edward's resentment surfacing. He was always so patient and understanding with me. This was turning into my worst nightmare. I had to stop this before it got completely out of control.

"I am not heartless; if anything, just the opposite. I didn't really choose Jacob; I was just very confused and I momentarily lost my mind. I was so stressed; there was a war going on you know!" I cried.

"The war was being fought to save your life; it's a bit insensitive of you to complain about that now," he almost snarled.

"I'm not complaining, exactly. Anyway, I thought you wanted me to choose Jacob and have a long, human life," I pointed out. "That's what you said," I accused.

"You are not fighting fair. It's very rude of you to throw that back in my face. I know I said it was one possible outcome for you, and I thought that's what might be best for you. However, it would have been almost impossible for me to bear, and it was very painful to see you even contemplate that choice," he confessed.

"I was astounded by your behavior, Bella. After telling me you wanted to be with me forever, accepting my proposal, making me happier than I had ever been. I was finally sure of your love and you all but destroyed that within hours – I couldn't believe you went so far with him. You had almost convinced me to be intimate with you. You all but begged me to make love to you, and the very next day you're all over that hormonal mutt!"

His words were very hard for me to hear. He was always so careful with me. He had never spoken so spontaneously and honestly before. It absolutely shattered me to hear how I had at last convinced him of my love and then turned around and kissed Jacob with such abandon that he knew I loved him, too.

I knew he was right. I had felt horribly guilty at the time but I couldn't stop myself. I knew then I was hurting Jake and Edward but I just couldn't help it. Now I felt that I had to be just as honest with him as he was being with me, and finally shoulder some responsibility for my actions.

"It really was all my fault. You shouldn't blame Jake. He didn't know what he was doing," I protested.

"He always knew what he was doing," he roared. "I could hear his thoughts, remember?" he tapped his forehead and glowered at me.

I cringed slightly but I had to grudgingly admit he did have the advantage over me there. I wasn't sure I really wanted to know and I certainly wasn't sure he was going to tell me, but I had to ask anyway. "What was he thinking?"

"I'm sorry, Bella, I shouldn't have said anything. I promised myself I would not discuss this with you, because I know you consider him to be your best friend and I am somewhat biased in my feelings about him," he said quietly, breathing deeply in an effort to calm himself.

I could tell he was already regretting letting me know how badly he had been hurt. I didn't want to stop now, though. As painful as this was, we had to make something good out of it. We had to get to the bottom of it once and for all.

"I want to know, Edward, just tell me now, please. What was he thinking?" If Edward had that much of a reaction to my defense of Jacob there must be something there I needed to know.

I looked into his eyes, silently pleading with him to trust me and tell me the truth. He took my hands in his and held them for a moment before he began speaking.

"Please forgive me for telling you this; you are not going to be happy to hear it. I would not repeat most of it to someone I respected, but let's just say his every move was calculated to get you where he wanted you."

"Are you sure? I mean, maybe…" I tried to object but he cut me off.

"Bella, he might have seemed spontaneous but it was all an act… and he would think about the things he wanted to do to you while you were increasingly unclothed and defenseless. I thought I was selfish but he could give me lessons. He was literally like a dog with a bone. All his talk about saving your life came a distant second to his baser instincts, and he thought a physical relationship was the key to winning you," he said bitterly. "It was very much a competition to him."

I began to protest, not my Jacob, but Edward wouldn't even let me get started.

"Bella, please try to be realistic. If his signature line was 'does my being half naked bother you?'... what do you think was on his mind? Didn't you ever wonder why I stopped objecting to your spending time with him?"

I could only bite my lip and shake my head, still reeling from his version of Jacob.

"He replayed your first kiss in his head, in an attempt to rub it in my face. It backfired on him at the time, but I was the one who paid a high price in the end. I saw all the enjoyment he got out of it, but I could also see how you were doing your best to fight him off, and how you had to become completely unresponsive before he stopped. That's when it occurred to me that perhaps more time spent with him was the only way your eyes would be opened to what he was really like," he finished sadly.

I remembered that kiss, and how Jacob had made me feel mean and greedy right before he kissed me. I also recalled his smile of satisfaction and then the pain in my hand when I punched him, and how his first response was to taunt me by saying, "No, Bella, _you _ broke your hand." He discounted my feelings and he _did_ try to twist my words when he was driving me back to Charlie's. Why hadn't I paid more attention to that at the time? What had I been thinking?

"You were the one who didn't know what she was doing," he said gently. "You are so sweet and innocent, you walked into every trap he deliberately set. He played on your emotions and manipulated each situation to his advantage. You only want to see the good in people, and he counted on that and used it against you. If you could have heard the gloating in his thoughts, it never would have gone as far as it did, and he bragged about it to the whole pack," he finished disgustedly.

I could tell that had hurt Edward so badly my heart started racing. To think the only girl he had ever loved had let herself be so easily swayed by his mortal enemy must be the worst kind of torture, and his masculine pride had suffered, too. I had wounded Edward to his core and he had tried his best to hide it. I wondered if it was possible for me to feel worse about myself. I sat there numbly while Edward rubbed his thumb across my hand.

I couldn't think of anything to say in response because I slowly realized he was right. I had only wanted to be Jacob's friend, but he had pushed and pushed until I gave in; I hadn't initiated any of it. I thought about that day on the mountaintop in the snow, when he had said he was sorry he had made things so difficult for me… and then turned around and threatened suicide to get me to kiss him again. That was low, but I had fallen for it. He _had_ known what he was doing. I had reached a new pinnacle of stupidity. I watched as Edward's expression softened.

He continued, his tone low and intense. "I have always been secretly afraid you would leave me one day. I was willing to let you go to him, but I would never have really left you. I can never completely leave you again. I would have kept out of sight, but I always would have been on the fringe, in the forest, watching out for you, making sure you were safe," he admitted.

"Edward, that's like torturing yourself! Masochistic lion! That wouldn't be a clean break," I pointed out, inadvertently using the same terrible words he had used that day in the woods.

"Cutting the tension with cruelty. How very kind of you," he said, sarcasm dripping from his velvet voice.

"It's true," I said softly.

"I know; that's what makes it hurt so much. Now _you're_ torturing me. The lamb has grown teeth, and sharp ones at that. I didn't think you could be so uncaring, and there's no such thing as a clean break for the two of us. I see that now, but that mistake is what changed my mind. It doesn't matter what you do or what you say. I know now that I can never be very far away from you, whether that's what you want or not. I would rather get a glimpse of you from afar than never see you again," he assured me, looking deep into my eyes. "You are still my brand of heroin and I will be addicted to you forever."

I could tell he meant what he said. No matter how horrible I was he would always forgive me and love me anyway. I could feel the flush spreading across my face. "I'm so sorry for all the pain I've caused you, Edward. I love you more than anyone and I'm so grateful for your love," I said, ashamed of myself for even considering a life with Jacob and thinking of Edward willing to spend his whole life in the shadows just to make sure I was safe.

I suddenly wanted to protect him. I threw myself at him, clasping my arms around his neck and pressing myself against his chest as hard as I could. He immediately put his arms around me and held me tight, stoking my hair.

At his gentle touch the guilt came rushing at me full speed, and I remembered how much pain I had caused him the day I said goodbye to Jacob and then sobbed uncontrollably, with Edward holding me together and making sure I got back to Charlie's safely.

I had cried all night, with Edward holding me, getting his shirt soaked with my tears. How could I have made him suffer like that? I was the monster. He had never said a word of reproach then; he had been more gentle and understanding than I deserved.

"It was certainly good to hear all the horrible things you just said about me. I haven't heard them since I left La Push," I said with a note of satisfaction in my voice and the echoes of 'leech lover' resounding in my memory. I felt an odd sense of relief spreading through my body.

He groaned but he didn't stop kissing my neck, and rubbing circles on my back with his cool fingertips.

It's amazing how a few insults can bring people together in just minutes. I felt calmer, and said brightly, "Wow, that was our first real fight."

"Excuse me if I'm confused, but how can you seem so happy about that?" he asked with bewilderment in his voice.

"Because I _am_ happy about it," I said confidently. He pulled away to gaze down at my face in disbelief.

"No, I mean it, Edward. It makes you more human to have an honest discussion with me. It makes me feel less fragile, like you believe I'm strong enough to withstand some straight talk. I _feel_ stronger, because I feel like you trust me. Whether it's conscious or unconscious on your part, it doesn't matter. The outcome is the same. You're starting to treat me like an equal, and of course I'm happy about that," I said with a big smile.

"I can't believe you're happy about us yelling at each other. That's something I have always tried to avoid. You will never stop surprising me." He shook his head and continued to gaze into my eyes lovingly.

After a moment he said, "I love to see you happy, but this combat with you takes a lot out of me. Do you think we can avoid fighting in the future?"

"If we're both honest with each other. I know it's hard, and I don't want to hurt you, but it's better if we tell the truth and just deal with it. We can handle it, together."

"I am sorry if I said anything that hurt your feelings. I never want to do that," he said, his voice soft and repentant. He kissed my fingertips, sending a thrill from my hand to my heart.

"It's okay. I said some things, too. It happens… but I have to apologize for something else, as well. All this has made me think about that day," I paused. "About the night I cried so much."

"I remember," he said quietly. It wasn't that long ago; of course he remembered. He would probably like to forget it though, and here I was, bringing it up again. I just felt like we were making so much progress, I had to get this out of my system.

"I should have sent you away, but I needed you so badly. I knew I wanted to spend forever with you, but it was so hard to say goodbye to my old friend. I hate that you had to go through that, too."

I was trying to explain without saying something that would make things worse. I wasn't sure how far I could go with this without creating a bigger problem.

He nodded, his topaz eyes warm with empathy and forgiveness. "I wouldn't have left you that night, no matter what you said. I think I know what Jacob meant to you, but you went home with me. I just wanted to hold you until the pain eased," he explained.

"I know who I can't live without, Edward. As painful as that time was, if it had been you who said goodbye to me I would not have survived the night," I said simply.

"That's not possible," he said quickly, taking my face in his hands. "You _are_ my life. You are my soul," he said, echoing the words he had spoken the morning after that tear-filled night. He slowly kissed me, and we held each other, savoring the moment.

I was almost crying again, but this time from an overwhelming feeling of happiness. He smiled and said, "You know, I have a souvenir of that night, so I will never forget it."

"What?" I asked incredulously.

"My shirt; it's soaked with your tears; your essence clings to it. I keep it in a special place in my bedroom, and when I am there without you, I can hold it and feel close to you," he said shyly.

I reached up and caressed his cheek, then slid my hand around the back of his neck and pulled his face down to mine. I gave him another sweet kiss, feeling the love we had for each other enveloping us. When we broke apart I gazed into the depths of his beautiful topaz eyes.

"Soon I'll be with you all the time and I can't wait," I said with excitement. "I'm so glad we've been able to talk about these things, Edward. You have to tell me what you're feeling, otherwise I just think you don't really want me after all."

His voice was husky when he replied, "I will always want you, Bella, and I do believe we were meant to be together. Your scent, your eyes, your lips, your mind. Sometimes I wonder at the incredible way things swirl in chaos around you, but there's always some clue within, just waiting to be discovered. It seems like I'm always finding new things about you -- you are endlessly fascinating to me, Bella."

"I feel the same way about you, Edward." The words were barely off my tongue before his lips were on mine. This kiss was deeper, more exciting than ever and I felt the blood rushing through my veins double time.

His scent was so intoxicating I soon began to feel faint and he loosened his hold on me, whispering, "I will be so happy when we are man and wife."

It took a few moments and a few deep breaths for my head to clear. When it did, the first thing I thought of was everyone in Forks talking about our upcoming wedding plans. It was nobody's business but my own, and I hated being the center of attention. It drove me crazy.

"I just hate to be gossiped about—" I began.

"Getting married is not a horrible topic for gossip," Edward objected.

"Getting married so young," I reminded him. "That's different."

"I still don't see the problem," he persisted.

"They will probably say I had to get married so young because I was pregnant," I knew this was partially what was bothering Renee. She had a horror of me being a young mother the way she was. I could hardly explain to her why this was not going to happen.

Edward raised his eyebrows but merely said, "We both know that's not the case."

"Yes, we know it, but that won't stop them from speculating, and when I don't produce a baby they'll just guess I had a miscarriage," I concluded bitterly. Since the timing of my transformation was still not set in stone, everything was up for conjecture.

"I hadn't thought of that," Edward said, considering this new information.

Good, I thought. Maybe he will begin to see why I was so bothered.

"Are you sure you don't want to have children?" he asked, looking directly into my eyes.

I groaned in frustration. "Of course I'm sure. Please stop asking me that. In case you haven't noticed, I don't seem to have a strong maternal instinct. Besides, I feel like I've already raised one child, Renee, and I'm not so sure I did such a great job with her. I'm also not desperate for a pet," I added, just in case he might start questioning me about that.

"Then I still don't understand why you care what people say. Have you thought about the alternative? What they would say if you just moved in with me? At your age?"

He caught me off guard. I hadn't thought about that. I took a deep breath and considered it. "Lots of people live together before they get married. That's normal," I finally responded.

"Sure they do, after college. Do you want to wait 'til then?" He asked, seemingly serious.

"You've got to be kidding." I was shocked. "Can you wait that long?" I challenged.

"I am a very patient man." His face was like a mask, giving me no clue as to his real feelings.

"Well I'm not a very patient man," I retorted, beginning to get exasperated.

"Do you want to be with me all the time?" Edward asked me thoughtfully.

"Yes, you know I do," I freely admitted.

"People who are in love and want to be to be together all the time, for all time, get married. They want to announce it to the world. They want to shout it from the rooftops. They want everyone to know," he concluded.

"Do you want to do that?" I asked, surprised.

"Yes. Yes I do. I would be happy to put up a billboard right next to the _'Welcome to Forks'_ sign that says 'I love Bella Swan and she is my wife.' And I am not ashamed of it," he stated matter-of-factly.

I was almost about to laugh about the billboard until he added the part about not being ashamed. "Oh Edward, I'm not ashamed of loving you, please don't think that," I cried, afraid I had hurt his feelings with my fuming about marriage.

He cocked his head to the side and continued to just look at me.

"Please say something," I begged.

"Bella, if you could hear what people are thinking you'd know you have nothing to worry about," he said calmly.

"Why? What are they thinking about?" I was curious now, and relieved that he didn't seem upset with me.

"About 98 percent of the time people are thinking about themselves, and even when they are thinking of others, it usually somehow relates to their personal situation," he explained.

"Oh," was my brilliant response.

"Take Mike Newton for example. I could have gladly killed him several times over for thoughts he has harbored about you," he said cheerfully.

"Edward, Mike means less than nothing to me," I hastily exclaimed, thinking what a bad friend I was to poor Mike.

"I know. That doesn't stop him from thinking these things when he sees you. However, you might be interested to know that when he thinks about us being together he envies me," Edward said with a great deal of satisfaction.

I digested this information but made no comment.

"And Tyler. He should consider himself lucky to still be among the living," he paused as my eyes had involuntarily widened, "but he doesn't think any less of you because you're with me. He's just sorry he never got a shot at you," he concluded.

I must have been looking skeptical because he added, "I mean it; I am not kidding."

Then he continued, "While I would like to put up that billboard, I couldn't possibly, because that would attract too much attention, and you know that's something we can't afford. Just like we can't afford to have the town gossiping about the police chief's daughter living in sin with the good doctor's son."

I opened my mouth to speak and then closed it again, still pondering that last statement.

"Having the town gossip about our wedding does no damage to anyone's reputation. A wedding is an acceptable, traditional, respectable ceremony, and no matter how much it's discussed, it's all good. The same cannot be said for living together, can it?"

"That's kind of an old fashioned attitude, Edward," was all I managed to meekly reply.

"The world is more old fashioned than you think, my sweet," he said gently. "And I guess I am guilty of that, too. I want us to be married. I want to be your husband, Bella. I want to love, honor, and cherish you, everyday of forever."

I couldn't help but melt inside when he said something like that. "That's sounding pretty good to me, too," I had to admit.

He beamed as he said, "I am very glad to hear that. Plus, there is Carlisle to consider. As his son, I can't do anything that would reflect badly on him."

"I understand that. I don't want to do anything like that either," I affirmed. "But how would it look if people found out you spend every night in my room?"

"That's just one of many things about me that no one can ever find out about; it's a bit minor in the overall scheme of things, don't you think?"

"Yes, I see your point."

"So do you have a better understanding of why we are getting married?"

"I guess so," I said, but I don't think I sounded convinced.

I was already sitting in Edward's lap and he wrapped his arms around me even tighter. He brought his mouth close to my ear and I could feel his frosty breath as he whispered, "Just so you understand completely, we're getting married because I can't stand to be away from you any longer or to think of something taking you away from me, because I love you that much."

I leaned my head back so I could look into his eyes. They were a warm, liquid topaz, brimming with the light of love, just for me.

"When you put it like that, how could a girl have any objections?" I asked rhetorically.

"Do _you_ have any objections? He persisted.

"Not anymore," I confirmed.

I put my arm around his neck and pulled his face closer until his perfect lips met mine in a moment of sweet surrender. We were lost in our own world of pleasure for a few minutes and when he pulled back slightly I sighed with contentment.

Thinking back to Edward's proposed billboard declaration I felt I just had to say, "I would happily put up a billboard saying I love you, too, Edward. I just wasn't brought up to connect love with marriage."

He kissed me then, swiftly and completely. He really seemed to like this billboard concept. The whole idea of us communicating with billboards in Forks made me smile.

When I could breathe again I said, "Thanks, that was really nice."

"There's a lot more where that came from, as you will discover when we add a wedding ring to this finger," he said, holding up my left hand and pressing it to his lips, still warm from the prolonged contact with mine.

I knew in that moment that I could completely trust him; I could place my life and heart in his hands forever. I finally felt all my doubts slip away.

"I can't wait," I gulped, thinking how strange it was to say that and really mean it.

Edward's face lit up like the sun was shining on him. He was so beautiful it almost made my heart stop. "You mean it. You really _do_ want to marry me," he cried, his wide smile almost blinding me. He immediately leaned toward me and skimmed his nose along my jaw line, barely touched my earlobe, and continued down my neck, inhaling deeply until he placed a kiss gently, reverently, on the pulse throbbing at the base of my throat.

"Yes, I do," I confirmed easily, returning his smile.

Those words seemed to unlock something within Edward. He gazed at me with so much love in his eyes it was almost overwhelming. His hand reached up and he knotted his fingers in my hair, pulling my face closer to him. I could feel the electricity buzzing between us immediately. I felt a shiver of sweet anticipation. "You are mine," he breathed right before he captured my lips in a passionate kiss.

It started out soft and slow, and then his lips moved hungrily against mine and his icy tongue made a sensual sweep across my bottom lip. I parted my lips and he slipped his tongue into my warm mouth. The taste of him inside me was pure joy. He stroked my tongue with his own, as if he wanted to drink me up and I gladly let him.

Unable to be still, I ran my hands all over him, feeling the firm muscles in his shoulders and back. Edward responded by deepening the kiss and pressing me onto my back against the blanket while his cool fingers slipped under my blouse and gently caressed my side, leaving a trail of fire everywhere he touched. I melted into him.

This kiss was different, real and intense, even better than the ones a little while ago. The usual hesitation and conflict that marked his physical contact with me seemed to have vanished. I didn't know how he was doing it but he made me feel all of his desire for me; he made me feel as if he wanted me and would do anything to have me. He was pouring all of his adoration and devotion for me into this kiss. I clung to him, my heart going wild.

His body pressed against mine and sent electrical shocks through all my nerve endings. I felt so alive. I knotted my fingers in his silky bronze hair, wanting this moment to last forever. I was breathless and weak with pleasure when he finally moved his lips away from mine.

Edward was breathing heavily as he said, "That is only a fraction of what I feel for you, Bella. I still have to hold back, but when we are married, there will be no holding back, ever."

I was still too stunned to reply and he put his arms around me and rolled onto his back, settling me on top of him. I relaxed happily on his chest, listening as he matched his breathing to mine. If that was him holding back I had a lot to look forward to in the future. We lay like that until I almost fell asleep.

I felt Edward's hands rubbing my back and I roused myself out of the trance-like state of bliss his kisses had put me in. "You are amazing, Edward. You've never kissed me like that before."

He sat up and adjusted me in his lap, his arms circling around me.

"I've never been so sure you loved me before," he replied, unable to disguise his happiness.

"What? What did I do…?"

"When you said you couldn't wait to be married, I could tell you had finally decided you wanted me the same way I wanted you. That you could make the same commitment I want to make to you. Our wedding wasn't just going to happen because of some bargain we struck. The fear was gone."

"Yes, I did let go of all my doubts; I suddenly knew it was the right thing for us."

"You have no idea how happy that makes me. I thought you were never going to overcome your mother's absurd brainwashing against matrimony."

I smiled. He was right about Renee's opinion of marriage. "She does hold strong views, and she isn't shy about sharing them," I acknowledged.

"For all your mother's attitude against marriage, it didn't stop her from marrying Phil."

"Yes, but she's not 18. I think her early marriage to Charlie is a big part of her thinking," I explained.

"I don't know what went wrong with that marriage, but I do know we are not your parents, and not everyone who gets married at 18 gets a divorce," he said firmly. "And you might be interested to know that divorce is not in my vocabulary. When you marry me it will be forever."

I gave that as much thought as I could while he trailed kisses down my neck.

Then he sighed. "I do not want to criticize your mother Bella, but I wish she had spent less time frightening you about marriage and a little more time working on your self esteem."

"What?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"Well, you seem to be craving honesty today, so I am willing to oblige. You are beautiful, intelligent, kind and brave. You have all the qualities anyone would be proud to have, but you don't see yourself that way. You don't want to ever draw any attention to yourself. You are too nice; you let others take advantage of you. Alice and Rosalie immediately spring to mind, among others."

I thought I knew who the others were. I gulped. I had asked for honesty. I didn't like the spotlight; that was true, but I wasn't too nice; I was just nice. What was wrong with that?

"Bella?" His voice was full of concern.

"Yes?"

"Have I hurt your feelings? That was never my intention."

"No, it's not that. It's just that I don't see myself the way you see me."

"Do you put the happiness of others before your own?"

He knew me too well. "It makes me happy to make others happy."

"Even when you sacrifice your own happiness?"

"Sometimes," I acknowledged.

"That does not make sense, Bella."

I knew he was right, but I couldn't help the way I was. So I remained silent.

"Bella, can you try to put your own happiness first, just for an experiment?"

"What sort of experiment?"

"The next time someone wants you to do something that you do not really want to do, just say no, even if it is me. Can you try that?"

It was painful to even think about doing that. "I don't know, Edward, that sort of goes against who I am. It really does make me happy to make other people happy."

"I am not trying to change you, I just think you could be a bit more selfish. Sometimes it can be a good thing."

"I see what you mean. I'll try to put myself first, but then I'll probably feel very guilty about it afterwards and have to do something to make up for it."

He laughed. "Yes, you probably will." He held me tight against him and brought his lips close to mine, whispering, "You are an angel, too good for this world." His sweet breath blew into my open mouth and I gasped, wanting to drink in every bit of him. Then his lips met mine in the sweetest kiss, making me tingle from head to toe.

When he released me I rested my head against his shoulder, needing a moment to recover. "It's so good to be able to talk to you about all this stuff," I finally managed to say.

"Likewise," he said, "especially since yours is the one mind I can't read."

'That's kind of a good thing,' I thought to myself, but I said, "Well I can't read your mind either, and I would bet there's a lot more going on in there than you ever tell me about."

The crooked smile appeared along with a twinkle in his eye, but he just said, "Can you tell what I'm thinking now?" He leaned in closer, looking deep into my eyes.

I blushed, thinking I knew exactly what was on his mind. Then his lips touched mine and I ignited, a jolt of electricity running between us. My heart was pounding and my pulse raced. He was kissing me for real now, and I returned the favor.

When I came up for air he said, "I'm so grateful everyday that you gave me another chance."

"That's exactly how I feel about you, Edward. I know I'm not perfect and I'm grateful you've given me another chance, too, and everyday seems to bring us closer together. Our future together is going to be wonderful, I just know it."

He didn't reply, but held me even tighter, burying his head in my neck. We sat like that for what seemed like an eternity, until I noticed a pair of golden eyes staring at me out of the darkness from the edge of the clearing.

They were the eyes in my nightmare.

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_**AN: **_**Alright Dear Readers, you MUST let me know what you thought about this chapter. **

**Now that you've reached the end of this long chapter I want you to know that I did massive research before I rewrote it this week. Last night I reread the two chapter where Jacob kisses Bella three times each because I wanted everything I wrote to be as accurate as possible. Most everything Bella says or thinks about Jake is taken almost verbatim from _Eclipse._ I'm not really putting new words in her mouth, I am just building a different framework for them. The conclusions she draws however are my invention. Pretty much the same goes for Edward; it's really all there in _Eclipse_, you just need to do a careful reading and a little interpretation. **

**I again thank my beta, not done baking, for never holding back. Another friend, Ranma15177 is making incredibly valuable insights to help shape and refine this tale, beginning with Chapter 18. You have her suggestion to thank for 'happy Edward' in the end of this chapter. I'm very grateful to have help like this, so cheerfully given. Ranma15177 has a new story called "Conversations with Emmett," that includes the whole Cullen clan and the Denali clan, and you can get to her through a link in my Favorites Stories List (her story there is called "Making A Home" and it's about how Carlisle and Esme came to be). **


	23. Just In Time

**AN: ****NEWSFLASH: _Fanfiction Award Voting starts May 15th _OoOoOoOoO_  
_**

**Thanks to you, my loyal readers, _Blue Moon Over Manka's_ has been nominated for an award at The Denali Coven website. **

**There is a link on my Profile/Bio page where you can click to vote. Show your support by voting, starting on Thursday, May 15th. My nomination is for:**

**_The Danger Magnet Award_, representing the Best Bella Characterization**

**So if you like Bella in _Blue Moon_, please vote and thanks for your support. **

**My beta, Ranma15177, has also been nominated! Her story, _Escaping Sol_ is nominated for Best Action/Adventure fiction, the _Race Through Volterra Award._ Please vote for her, too, it is a wonderful story. **

**Other than to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the wonderful reviews for the last chapter (I am completely overwhelmed), I will not keep you any longer from the mystery of the golden eyes…**

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Chapter 23: _Just in Time_

"That's exactly how I feel about you, Edward. I know I'm not perfect and I'm grateful you've given me another chance, too. Everyday seems to bring us closer together. Our future together is going to be wonderful, I just know it." He didn't reply, but held me even tighter, burying his head in my neck. We sat like that for what seemed like an eternity, until I noticed a pair of golden eyes staring at me out of the darkness from the edge of the clearing.

They were the eyes in my nightmare.

Instantly my body tensed and I froze although my heart began beating wildly. Suddenly the growling started and there was a rustle amidst the ferns. Even before I could scream I saw the golden fur of a bobcat spring out from the darkness, heading straight for me.

I felt Edward release me and then he was just a blur. In a fraction of a second he spun around and launched himself towards the wild cat. The charging feline collided with him at full speed, snarling, claws out. I heard a huge roar that seemed to echo in the woods and shake the ground. Edward struck a glancing blow at the cat with his arm.

It yelped and was sent hurtling back into the woods. I heard it hit the forest floor and then nothing. In that split second before Edward could pursue the bobcat I used every bit of strength I had to call out to him.

"Edward, please," was all I managed to gasp. I was still sitting where he left me, shaking life a leaf.

He stalked back toward me with liquid, feral grace. He instantly scooped me up off the ground and held me tight against his chest. "Are you all right?" he asked with concern.

I was frightened, but not hurt. "It just happened so suddenly. Those were the eyes in my dream, Edward. See, I told you it wasn't you," I said weakly. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Bella," he said calmly, stroking my hair.

"Is it dead?" I whispered, already feeling sorry for the poor creature.

"No, I can still hear its heartbeat, but it is unconscious. I think we should be going," he said shortly. He slung his backpack over his shoulder in one smooth graceful motion. I closed my eyes and clung to him as we were racing through the woods, the cool wind whipping my hair around my face, arriving back at the car in just moments.

He deposited me in the passenger seat and fastened my seat belt. He tossed his backpack in the back seat and slid in behind the wheel. He took my hand in his and gazed at me for a while and then said, "I can't take you anywhere."

"Edward, that's not very nice," I protested, finally able to relax and take a deep breath.

"No, I mean it's my fault; I take you for a walk in the woods and you get attacked by a bobcat. I shouldn't have exposed you to that kind of danger." He started the engine and we took off at a high rate of speed on the bumpy dirt road.

"Oh, please! We both knew that the woods were full of wildlife. You know it's probably just me. I seem to attract these kinds of things," I suggested.

"Bella, you are the master of understatement. I was concentrating on you so much that I wasn't paying any attention to our surroundings. I am so sorry." He raised my hand to his lips and kissed my palm making my heart flutter.

"I can hardly be upset that you were concentrating on me. Thanks, but it wasn't your fault," I objected, "and you did save me yet again."

"I should have known better than to put you in that situation, but I thought it was safe here. Now that cat has your scent," he added darkly.

"What difference does that make? He's not going to track me back to Forks," I said confidently.

"No, but it means no more walking in the woods, and you're not to set foot outside of the cabin without me; not even to take a shower," he said sternly.

"Oh, I enjoyed the bubble bath much more than the shower, so that's not a problem," I said, trying to lighten his mood. "I promise the only way I'll use that outdoor shower again is if you're there to protect me," I stated, proud that only a hint of pink was visible on my cheeks.

"Would you like to go into San Francisco this afternoon, Bella?" he said smoothly, changing the subject.

"Yes, that would be fun; I've never been there… well, I've never been out of the car there," I said, remembering the frantic drive from Forks to Phoenix when we breezed past the city in a blur.

Just then Edward's cell phone vibrated; he answered it and said, "Yes, she's okay Alice, thanks," I noticed a hint of sarcasm on the "thanks," part. I could hear Alice's voice, but she was speaking so rapidly I couldn't distinguish any specific words.

"It was all over very quickly. No, I don't think she's going to go into shock, she seems to handle being randomly attacked without too much fuss," he complained. Alice's response only sounded like an intermittent high-pitched noise.

"Of course I remember exactly what I said… alright, I admit it wasn't your fault." Alice screeched something else and then he said, "Yes, we are going into San Francisco this afternoon and you have my permission to take a look this time."

I rolled my eyes and said, "Hey Boris, Natasha, I'm right here; I can hear you."

Ignoring my comment, Edward continued, "If you see anything else it would nice to get a little notice," he paused. "I'll see," he said as he lowered the phone and turned to me. "She was worried about you and she's angry with me because of the restriction I put on her checking on your future," he explained. "I only decided to take you to that clearing when we were up on the cliffs. She had a spontaneous vision about you, but it was all over before she could warn me. Do you want to speak to her?"

"Oh yes," I said, taking the phone out of his hand. He draped his arm across my shoulder and rested his hand on the nape of my neck, as if he couldn't bear break contact with my skin. I smiled at him, grateful, since I wanted his hands to be on me at all times as well. "Alice?"

"So sorry, Bella, the vision came just a bit late," she said in her musical voice.

"That's not your fault; it's not anyone's fault. My special ability is how I can snatch failure from the jaws of success. I'm just a freak of nature, you all should know that by now," I laughed.

"Are you having a good time at Manka's?"

"Oh yes, Alice, it's the most magical place. Our cabin is beyond description, and the people are wonderful and there's even this gigantic dog that likes Edward. Just imagine," I gushed.

"That's a bit hard to picture."

"You would love the chef-owner, Margaret. She reminds me of you a little bit. She's very kind and a little eccentric, but very generous. She offered Edward a job, playing piano in the dining room."

"Does she like to shop?" Alice always asked the important questions.

I looked at Edward and he was nodding his head. "Yes, Alice," he said as I held the phone toward him, "she loves to shop; she could give you a run for the money. She's filled the Lodge with antiques and she loves to buy things in mass quantities, like a dozen gross of bath towels."

"She does sound like a kindred spirit; I can't wait to meet her," Alice gushed.

"It's too bad you won't be able to taste her desserts; the things she does with chocolate should be illegal," I enthused.

"The things Bella does while eating smoked crab should also be illegal; she nearly killed me last night, Alice."

I couldn't believe he was bringing that up, after all the other things I had done as the evening wore on. "Don't pay any attention to him, he's wildly exaggerating," I interjected.

"She left me breathless and unable to move," Edward insisted.

"I think you recovered rather nicely," I retorted.

"This was in the dining room?" Alice queried.

"Yes, in front of about fifty people," Edward confirmed.

"I didn't notice anyone but you last night, Edward. Besides, you got me back in the Necessary Room."

"The Necessary Room," Alice squealed. "I haven't heard that term in over 60 years. Spill, I want details."

"She tried to have her way with me," Edward quickly answered.

"I think it was the other way around," I protested.

"Who asked to be kissed?" Edward taunted.

Before I could object, Alice piped up.

"Sounds like you two are having a grand old time. I need to make reservations for Jasper and me. I can't wait to get him in that Necessary Room," Alice chuckled.

I rolled my eyes and Edward laughed. I felt a little tug at my heart; he was so staggeringly beautiful when he laughed.

I put the phone back up to my ear and said, "Thanks for the new wardrobe, Alice. Everything has been so beautiful and fits perfectly. I know Edward has appreciated seeing me in something other than sweats and an old tee shirt." I grinned at him.

"Have you had any luck getting him out of _his_ clothes?" She asked unabashedly.

I glanced at him, but he suddenly he had his eyes on the road and seemed to have gone deaf.

"Haven't you been following my storyline on _No Sex and the City_?" I said, and I could feel the color rising in my face. "Do you have any indications about my accomplishing that goal?"

"No, sorry Bella. Can't help you there. Enjoy the weekend," she chirped.

"Thanks, Alice, I know we will," I said as I hung up the phone.

It was always good to talk to Alice; we shared such a bond. Talking to her made several thoughts flash through my head. I remembered that she was the one to take me back to Phoenix, supposedly to keep me safe, and she was responsible for my first overseas flight to Italy, to rescue Edward. If nothing else, I would be eternally grateful to her for that.

I thought about how she had offered to bite me then, well, not on the plane as I had suggested, but later, if we did get to Edward in time, and how I would have gladly let her change me right then, even when I thought Edward didn't love me. I had thought that as a vampire I might be graceful and beautiful, and I would have a better chance to win his love. Even if he had rejected me as a human, I was willing to trade my life right then for a just an opportunity to get a second chance with him.

Alice had been so stressed on that plane ride. I was so focused on just getting there in time. I had decided if we didn't save Edward I would have no problem with the Volturi killing me then and there. Alice had freaked out at this, so I pretended that I would let her try to get me out alive, but I knew if I lost Edward then that I didn't want to go on living either.

Poor Charlie. What would they have told him? With Alice, Edward and me all gone, and Jacob left standing there in the kitchen, unable to stop us and unable to tell Charlie the whole truth. How did I get myself in these situations? How had I let my feelings for Jake get so confused? Yes, I had made him happy but I wasn't responsible for his happiness; I couldn't be. I was glad I had come to my senses; Edward was my soul mate, my one and only love, now and forever, period.

Talking to Alice made me wonder about my attempts to take our relationship to the next level. I found my voice again and said, "Has Alice foreseen anything dramatic happening this weekend, I mean in terms of me and you?"

"She said you would be fine. You know I made her promise not to try to see anything else while we were gone. I was just trying to insure that we would have some privacy."

"So, taking the next step doesn't pose a physical danger for me," I said, thinking I had trapped him into admitting I wouldn't be hurt by a more intimate relationship.

"Marriage can always be dangerous, but Alice doesn't see any problems for us," Edward said smoothly.

"That's not what I meant by the next step, and you know it," I fumed.

"Whatever do you mean, Bella?" he feigned ignorance.

I didn't answer immediately, trying to think of the best way to present my argument.

"I may not be able to read your mind, but it seems to have only one track this weekend," he said, with a hint of resignation in his voice. This gave me new hope.

"I have a one track mind where you're concerned, Edward," I agreed.

"I think you need a distraction," he mused. "You know what they say about men liking cars and women liking clothes? Alice likes cars too, because they take her to where the clothes are."

"Good try, but nothing can distract me from you or from thinking about you," I said, scuttling his attempt at changing the subject. "I guess my wedding day will be the happiest day of my life because then finally, my whole life with you can begin," I said, with mixed emotions, thinking of the people I would be leaving behind.

"It will certainly be the happiest day I will have ever spent," Edward said, but there was a touch of sadness in his voice, too.

"I never thought I would be looking forward to getting married, but you've given me so much incentive, I can't help but be excited about it now," I freely admitted, gazing down at the exquisite symbol of love Edward had place on my left hand.

Edward looked at me with his crooked smile, savoring his triumph, and then said, "What would you like to do in San Francisco this afternoon?"

"Could we ride the cable cars?" I asked excitedly.

"Of course we can, Bella. Whatever you'd like. We need to stop at the cabin first and change out of this hiking gear, though."

And before I knew it, we were back at the Lodge. He parked and was at my side, lifting me out of the SUV before I could blink.

He ran gracefully down the stone steps with me in his arms and only set me down when we were in front of the fireplace. "You are so lovely," he murmured.

I still had my arms clasped around his neck and refused to let go without a kiss. He made it a good one, and I sank into the sofa dreamily.

"Can I bring you a snack, Bella?" He was nothing if not solicitous.

"Sure, knock yourself out." I loved watching him try to do human tasks to please me.

He took a bottle of milk out of the mini fridge and poured a glassful. Then he took the blackberry cobbler out of the dessert box from last night and put it on a plate. He grabbed a fork out of the cabinet and brought everything over to where I was sitting on the sofa.

"You are back in perfect fiancé territory," I teased. "Of course you never really stray very far out of that area."

"That's nice to hear. What territory does placing you in life-threatening situations fall under?" he asked sardonically.

"Oh, get over it," I said, my mouth full of cobbler. "I was just going to say you can't protect me from everything, but then again, I think you _can_ protect me from everything, and it seems to be a full time job," I said, taking a sip of milk.

"Enjoy your snack, my little danger magnet," he taunted. "I have to make a couple of calls and I'll be right back." He stepped through the French doors on to a little side porch and took out his cell phone.

I finished my scrumptious cobbler and drained the glass of milk, setting them back on the table for Manka's elves to collect. Then I wandered into the bedroom and explored in the closet again for something suitable to wear for our foray into the big city.

I pulled out the hanger with the Saturday afternoon designation and found myself holding a pair of tailored black slacks and a cream silk blouse with a scoop neck front and back. Sewn down ruffles bordered the neck and three quarter length puff sleeves. I slipped it on and looked in the mirror to tie the ribbon around the empire waistline.

It was a little girly for me, but not uncomfortable, and I told myself that Edward would probably like it. I pulled on the slacks and went to check out the shoe situation. A pair of beautiful black leather boots with just half-inch heels greeted me. Alice was being so kind.

I went into the bathroom, brushed my teeth and sat down on the bench. I picked up the hairbrush and absentmindedly began brushing my hair. I was thinking about everything we had talked about this morning, and how much closer I felt we were growing because of it. We both had doubts, but when we talked about them, they seemed to disappear.

I couldn't get the memory of his extraordinary kiss off of my mind. If he had kissed me like that earlier I probably never would have let myself get so involved with Jacob. I remembered Jacob's warm kiss that frosty morning on the mountaintop and how he had let me feel his joy. I had made him happy and I couldn't stand to think about hurting him. I had confused that feeling with love but it couldn't compare with what I felt for Edward.

Then I thought about most of Edward's controlled kisses. Until this weekend I couldn't recall him ever letting me feel so much of his passion. But last night after dinner and this morning after our argument, he had let me feel some fraction of what he feels for me. If that's what it feels like when he's holding back I couldn't wait until I was his equal and he wouldn't have to worry about my safety any longer. I wanted to experience all of Edward and finally make him understand how much I loved him.

A shadow fell across the open bathroom door and I looked up. Edward had changed clothes too, and looked incredibly handsome in a dark gray button down shirt and matching wool slacks. His black leather jacket was new and he looked slightly dangerous and extremely sexy in it. He was looking at me expectantly.

"You look amazing, Edward. Did Alice help you out with your wardrobe, too?" I laid down the hairbrush and stood up.

"Yes, you know it's almost impossible to stop her. You look more stunning every time I see you, Bella," he said appreciatively.

He leaned down and gave me a quick kiss, far too quick for my liking. "Shall we go?" I nodded and he picked me up like I weighed nothing and started back to the car, grabbing a sweater coat for me on the way out. "It gets cold and windy in San Francisco, you'll need this later," he said as he closed our cabin door and started up the stone stairs.

It was threatening to rain, but so far there were just dark clouds overhead. "We'll take Highway 1, that's the coast route, very scenic," he said, slipping into tour guide mode.

We zipped past a tiny town called Olema, which Edward informed me was the epicenter of the famous 1906 earthquake. I asked him if he had ever been in an earthquake and he said several, but they were not a big deal to him, being somewhat indestructible. I pointed out how that might be a good thing for me to be, too. He grimaced and sped up, passing the Audubon Canyon Ranch in a blur.

We flew past a road sign that read: Dogtown: Population 78. "Cool name for a town," I remarked. He explained that being just down the road from Bear Valley, the town got its name from all the hunting dogs that were brought in to track the bears.

I held his right hand in both of mine, never tiring of the feel of his cold, slender fingers entwined with mine.

"Edward, does it ever bother you that you can't be a doctor like Carlisle, or have some kind of regular career?" I had wondered about this before, and now seemed as good a time as any to ask.

He seemed surprised that I would ask a question like that.

"Yes, Bella, it does sometimes. I am not sure I could ever be a doctor like Carlisle; he's very special. It does bother me to be around the blood in the hospital. Not as much as it used to, but still, too much to be there every day. It does seem a waste for me to have all this medical knowledge and not put it to a better use. I would like to do something to help people the way Carlisle does, but you know, having close contact with most people can be a problem," he concluded with regret.

I thought about that. About the way most people admired the beauty of the Cullens from afar but were too intimidated to get near them. That would create problems in most workplaces.

"That just reminds me what a special person you are, Bella. You are most unusual, do you know that?" he inquired happily.

"I know I'm the luckiest girl in the world," I said joyfully.

"Well I wouldn't go that far, but you have so many unusual qualities for a human. You're not afraid of vampires for starters. You can smell human blood, which is quite remarkable, and I can't read your mind, so there's something extraordinary going on there."

"I think the only thing extraordinary about me is your falling in love with me," I said honestly.

"If it takes 'til the end of time I am going to make you understand just how special you are," he vowed, kissing my fingertips.

"You do make me feel special," I admitted, and I was even more thrilled to hear him talk about being with me 'til the end of time.

"I would be happy if taking care of you was my only job. You are my top priority. I do spend some of my time, mostly while you are sleeping, on administration of the Pacific Northwest Trust. I guess you could call what I do estate planning. Alice and I are heavily involved with Carlisle in the family's financial dealings; stocks, bonds, property management, that kind of thing."

Pacific Northwest Trust. I knew that name. That was the company that delivered a large sum of so-called scholarship money to me when Edward was gone.

"I had forgotten about the Pacific Northwest Trust, Edward. What were you thinking when you sent me that money?"

He looked very guilty and I immediately regretted questioning him about this.

"I would have sent you a million dollars if I thought you would accept it. I… I always wanted to take care of you, even when I wasn't there."

"I couldn't figure it out. If you didn't care about me, why were you sending me money? I thought you felt guilty… and were sort of trying to pay me off, but that didn't make sense. I was just so angry. I kept trying to get rid of the money and you just kept sending it to me. Do you know how frustrating that was?"

"Frustration does not begin to describe what I was going through. I was only thinking about you going to college and I wanted you to be able to go wherever you wanted, without having to worry about money. I figured you would know if was from me, but I hoped that wouldn't stop you from taking it. I just wanted you to be happy."

"Money is never going to make me happy, Edward, you know that. I would be perfectly happy living in your Volvo as long as you were there."

His eyes widened; I had surprised him, which delighted me.

"I will remember that little tidbit for the future," he said, unable to disguise his pleasure.

I wondered what I was letting myself in for. I could just see us, driving across Alaska, camping in his car. Of course I would no longer be human then, and we could finally put that backseat to good use. I felt myself begin to blush and quickly turned my head to look out the window but the scenery was just a blur. Edward was driving at his usual breakneck pace.

"Bella, could you look at me, please?"

Drat. He knew I was blushing. I slowly turned my head and looked at him from beneath my lashes.

"If you keep that up I am going to have to stop this car," he said unsteadily. "You are turning into quite the little seductress."

_Who, me? _

"That reminds me, before we get to the city we need to lay down some ground rules," Edward said, regaining his composure at vampire speed.

I didn't like the sound of that. It probably meant he was going to set some rules that I had to follow and he didn't. "What kind of ground rules?" I asked skeptically.

"Simple ones. For example, if we get separated for any reason—"

"Why would we get separated?" I interrupted.

"With you there could be myriad reasons, and I don't want to take any chances."

I just stared at him and waited to hear the rules.

"Did you bring your cell phone?"

I bit my lip and furrowed my brow.

"You forgot it, didn't you?" he accused.

"Yeah, I think it's in my bedroom," I admitted.

"No matter, I brought an extra one," he said, reaching into his jacket pocket and handing me a shiny new cell phone.

"What are these, a dime a dozen, Edward?" Every time I turned around he had a new cell phone.

"You can't put a price on your security, Bella. Put that in your purse, it's programmed with all the numbers you need. My cell is at the top of the list, followed by Alice's."

I grumbled under my breath but did as instructed.

"Have that phone with you at all times. If we get separated, stay where you are, don't wander around. It's easier for me to find you if your trail doesn't go too far. Use the cell phone to call me as soon as possible."

"Why don't you just implant some sort of tracking device on me? You know, like those radio collars they put on wild animals in the nature preserves," I said sarcastically.

"Believe me, I've thought about it," he shot back.

"Edward!" I had been kidding and his reply astonished me.

"Losing you is my greatest fear, Bella. Do you not know how precious you are to me?"

"Well I should, you're wonderful at telling me, but you can't put me on a leash," I protested.

"I am aware, and I'm not saying that, but you must admit trouble has a way of finding you. I just want to be prepared."

"All that is over now. It's in the past. We have a very bright future ahead of us," I said, hoping I sounded more confident than I felt. He was right. Trouble did have a way of finding me.

He chuckled quietly and I wondered what he thought was so funny.

"Bella, only you could say something like that after having just escaped being attacked by a bobcat."

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**AN: So there you have it; the mystery of the golden eyes solved, and yes, bobcats/lynx are plentiful in the Point Reyes National Park. Now is the time to review this chapter. Did you like the PNT part? I hope you can take a moment to let me know what your favorite parts were...**

**Thanks again for all the glowing reviews for the last chapter. I can't believe how many of you said it was your favorite chapter so far. I know it was what I've been waiting to read ever since _Eclipse_ came out. **

**For those of you who don't get the Pacific Northwest Trust reference, that just means you haven't read the outtakes on Stephenie Meyer's site. She wrote a good chunk of the story that her editors insisted on removing. Edward sent Bella a check for 20,000 through this PNT company, as a scholarship. She had no proof, but she knew it was from him. She tried to return it, but there was no return address. To read the whole story, visit www Stepheniemeyer dot com, click on the _New Moon_ link, then Outtakes, then Scholarship. As far as I am concerned, all those events happened, we just didn't get to read about them in _New Moon._**

**I again thank my beta, not done baking, for being so helpful. Another friend, Ranma15177 is making incredibly valuable insights to help shape and refine this tale, beginning with Chapter 18. I'm very grateful to have help like this, so cheerfully given. Ranma15177 has a new story called "Conversations with Emmett," that includes the whole Cullen clan and the Denali clan, and you can get to her through a link in my Favorites Stories List (her story there is called "Making A Home" and it's about how Carlisle and Esme came to be).**


	24. Persistence of Memory

**Thanks to you, my loyal readers, **_**Blue Moon Over Manka's**_** won the Danger Magnet award at The Denali Coven website. The Award**** represents the "Best Bella Characterization," and I'm so glad you think I'm doing a good job with her.  
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_Chapter 24: Persistence of Memory_

We breezed past a large lagoon on the west side of the highway and Edward said that it was called "Bolinas," and that there were vampires there. I straightened up at that news.

"They're an old couple and not much of a problem. In their effort to keep a low profile they keep stealing the highway signs that point the way to the town, but it gets blamed on local hippies who are trying to discourage tourists from using their beach. The town has a reputation for being a haven for those who march to their own drummer, that kind of thing. The vampires fit right in. Sharks get blamed for some of the surfers who wash up on the beach, but it's not always the shark's fault," he said matter-of-factly.

I shivered and gazed at the ocean. It was still about an hour until noon but the gray sky allowed no hint of the sun overhead. I noticed we were the only car on the two-lane highway and I couldn't recall seeing another one since we left Bear Valley. Edward seemed caught up in his own thoughts so I pushed the play button on the CD player.

It picked up where it had left off yesterday, with Bernadette Peters singing another old song Alice had played for me; it reminded me so much of my relationship with Edward I was delighted to put it in the mix.

_I got lost in his arms and I had to stay. It was dark in his arms and I lost my way. From the dark came a voice, and it seemed to say, "There you go, there you go!"_

_How I felt, as I fell, I just can't recall. But his arms held me fast, and it broke the fall. And I said to my heart as it foolishly kept jumping all around: "I got lost, but look what I found." _

Edward brought my hand to his lips again, smiling as he listened to the part about my heart foolishly jumping all around.

Then the Eva Cassidy version of Sting's _Fields Of Gold_ began. I found her voice to be heartbreakingly beautiful, so full of emotion it was sometimes difficult to listen to, but this song always reminded me of when Edward took me to our meadow for the first time.

_You'll remember me when the west wind moves, among the fields of barley  
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky when we walk in fields of gold  
So she took her love, for to gaze awhile, among the fields of barley  
In his arms she fell as her hair came down, among the fields of gold  
Will you stay with me will you be my love, among the fields of barley_

_I never made promises lightly, and there have been some that I have broken  
But I swear in the days still left we will walk in fields of gold  
We will walk in fields of gold_

Edward turned the volume down before the song was half way over and I turned my head to look at him, expecting him to say something, but he didn't speak.

"What's the matter?" I wondered aloud.

"This song is a little painful to listen to," he finally managed to say.

"Really? Her voice _is_ very moving. It seems a bit sad, but it reminds me of the first time you took me to our meadow and the sun was sparkling on you and I knew that I was so… so in love with you." I felt relieved for him to know what it meant to me.

"It's a special song for me, too, but for a slightly different reason. It reminds me of our first day in the sun, but it also reminds me of a time when I was so far away from you and I didn't think I'd ever see you again."

What did he mean by that? I suddenly had a horrible thought.

"Did you take a mix CD with you before you left?" I asked hesitantly.

"I downloaded some things to my ipod." His answer had a hard edge to it.

"Sad songs, like this one?"

"Yes." Now bitterness crept into his velvet voice.

"Did you just listen to it over and over and make yourself miserable?" I asked in horror.

"Yes. Sometimes feeling the pain was the only thing that got me through the night," he admitted. "I was so hollow, so empty. I was a fool to leave you for even a moment, a stupid fool."

I wasn't going to argue with him about that, but he had been torturing himself with music, something he loved. The whole time I had thought he didn't care for me at all, he was unable to forget about me, constantly reliving our happy moments and knowing he would never see me again. Back then I thought I had been the only one drenched in pain. My heart went out to him.

"Edward, that is brutal."

"It was no more than I deserved. I thought of you every moment I was away and the music mirrored my emotional state."

"That's almost funny, Edward." He looked at me through narrowed topaz eyes, uncomprehendingly.

"I mean it's odd, because I had the exact opposite reaction. I couldn't listen to any music. It all reminded me of you and I couldn't stand it. I already felt like my heart had been ripped out and music was just like pouring salt on the wound. Fresh pain." I was amazed I was able to articulate how I had felt.

He had been slowing down as we twisted around the curvy coastline road. Now he pulled off the road into a little viewpoint area. He turned the engine off and we gazed out at the powerful and majestic ocean waves. The waves pounded against the rocks but somehow it was a calming sound.

He took both my hands in his. We looked into each other's eyes and I felt like we were in our own world.

"You know, music wasn't the only thing I couldn't deal with while you were gone. I couldn't bear to watch TV either, for a long time. I basically stopped reading. I had to force myself to do anything. I just wanted to curl up and make my mind go blank," I said, sounding remarkably calm.

"Meanwhile I was doing everything possible to make myself feel as much pain as I could. I knew I deserved to be punished for what I had done to you."

"Please, Edward. It hurts me even now to think about you suffering like that."

"I'm always astounded by your ability to forgive, Bella. I will spend every day I have trying to make up for the pain I caused you. I'm so sorry," Edward's voice was full of emotion. I knew he was sorry and I took comfort in that because I thought it meant he would never try to leave me again.

"Of course I've forgiven you, Edward. I never stopped loving you. You know, this is the first relationship for both of us. We're bound to make mistakes. That's how we grow; and on some things we are so opposite – like the music. When did you put that torture playlist together?" I asked, curious to see what his thinking had been before that terrible day.

"The night before I came over to your house for the last time. The night I wouldn't stay with you." His voice was flat now. It must be agony for him to tell me this but I needed to understand.

I remembered how I knew something was odd, he had been acting distant, but I didn't know what it was. I had already begun to feel the pain when he wouldn't stay that night. Little did I know how much worse it would become.

"After I dropped you off I went home, everyone was packing and preparing to leave and I shut myself up in my room and downloaded the music that reminded me of you. It only took about an hour, and then I came back to watch you sleep for the last time."

"So you had it all planned out," I confirmed.

"Yes. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I couldn't let myself go into your room that night; I was afraid I would never be able to go through with my plan if I did. I stayed outside, watching you through the window, memorizing your every breath. You called out for me many times that night, and I was afraid you sensed what I was going to do. It took everything in me to resist going to you. I wanted to, I wanted take you in my arms and never let you go, but I was so afraid. I knew it meant certain death for you. We were just too dangerous for you to be around… we still are, for that matter," he added under his breath.

"Edward, how I wish you had come in that night, and just told me how you felt," I said, my heart breaking all over again.

"I sat in that tree all night, debating with myself. I wasn't ready to see you become like me, and I knew that would happen if I stayed. So I watched you for what I knew would be the last time."

"That's so horrible, Edward. I did know something was wrong. You weren't acting like yourself, but I just thought you were upset about what happened with Jasper."

"After that disaster we called your birthday party I felt I had to do something. I was desperate to protect you and I mistakenly thought it would be better if we all left you alone to lead a normal human life."

"We all know how well that worked out." I couldn't help saying it.

"Yes, it made your birthday party look like a day at the beach," he agreed. "Of course you're not a normal human; you are extraordinary," he said, kissing my palm and inhaling my scent.

"Do you still have that music on your ipod?" I asked, unable to leave it alone.

"No. I broke it in a million pieces after I threw the cell phone away. When I called your house and heard about the funeral… I was destroyed and I wanted to destroy everything," he said simply.

Then he seemed to have another thought. "You know I have to say, I do think… your friend is somewhat to blame for his part in this. If he had just handed you the phone or told me _what_ funeral Charlie had gone to…" he complained.

I could tell Edward didn't want to say Jacob's name out loud. So I didn't either. "He really did think you were Carlisle, and you know how the wolves feel about you all…and what would you have done if he had handed me the phone?" I wondered.

"I don't know. I would have been so happy to have heard your voice. Just thrilled to know you were still alive after Rosalie's asinine phone call. I don't know if I would have been able to speak, but if I had, I think I would have told you how much I regretted leaving you and begged you to forgive me. I don't think I could have stopped myself if I had heard your beautiful voice," he said huskily.

"It was all I was thinking about then anyway. My resolve was in shreds. All I thought about night and day was how I could get back to you. I had no idea what had happened to you, or if you would even speak to me again, after the way I had lied to you. My worst fear was that you had moved on and found someone else to love. Although that is what I wanted for you it would have shattered me as well."

It did my heart good to hear him say that. He had been just as miserable as I was. I felt so relieved that we were able to talk about this now without falling apart. Being able to discuss it, relatively calmly, seemed to be part of the healing process. We were both good at repressing unpleasant things, but it seemed like the more we talked about this the easier it became. We didn't need any more misunderstandings. Then his voice snapped me out of my reverie.

"I have given this so much thought, the whole time I was gone I did nothing but think of you, think of us, what we might have been… what fate might have had in store for us. I've never told anyone this; it was so crazy, I can't even believe that I thought about it at all…" he trailed off, seemingly lost in thought again.

"Well you have to tell me now. It will be okay, whatever it is. Just tell me," I said gently.

"I love how you can say that, Bella. You make me want to share everything with you, things I've never shared with anyone."

"That's good, because I want to share everything with you, too, Edward. The dark and the light… you can tell me anything. I will still love you."

He let go of my hands and said, "Stay there," as he quickly opened his door and then appeared on my side of the car, opening my door and reaching in to undo my seat beat. He lifted me out of the car and set me down, put his arm around my waist and led me to a boulder facing the waves. He sat down and pulled me into his lap, wrapping his strong arms around me and holding me against his chest.

"I want to hold you when I talk about this; it is painful for me and the only thing that eases my pain is feeling you in my arms," he said, his voice raw with emotion. I reached my hand up and stroked his face; even when he was suffering he looked like an angel.

He kissed me swiftly, his lips moving urgently against mine as if he thought I might disappear at any moment. I gently caressed his cheek, trying to calm him; I longed to make him feel better. I felt him relax a bit and he moved his lips up to kiss my forehead, holding me tight against him.

"I'm not going anywhere, Edward. I'm going to be with you forever," I tried to reassure him.

He took a deep breath and then said, "When I left you, I said it would be as if I never existed, but I didn't really mean it. That's why I sent the scholarship money; I wanted you to know that I was still thinking about you. That's why I left the things under the floorboard. I had secretly hoped you would find them. I couldn't stand to think that you would forget me, even though I thought that's what would be best for you."

"I know all that, Edward." As if I could ever forget him. I had produced delusions just so I could hear his velvet voice.

"I know you do; that's not what I meant before, but that's part of it."

I was really confused now. What was he getting at?

"You know how Carlisle met Esme when she was sixteen?"

"Yes, I know their story; it's very sweet. How she liked him immediately, but he of course couldn't have anything to do with a young human girl. It's kind of like us, only Carlisle never got to spend a lot of time with Esme."

"Yes, it's exactly like us. That's what I was talking about earlier, when I said I had this crazy idea. Carlisle had feelings for Esme, but he denied them. He was stronger than I was. He wanted her, but left her and never looked back. The fact that they met again years later, when she was so near death, and only he could save her… he looked at it as a sign from God."

"Maybe it was, Edward," I offered, hoping that if he believed Esme was meant to be with Carlisle maybe he would believe I was meant to be with him.

"Well, that's why he was able to change her; he thought she was already damned because of committing suicide, and he felt like perhaps he would be saving her from going straight to hell. I also think he couldn't deny his feelings any longer when he saw her suffering so. He saw her as his mate and he just couldn't let her go."

"I never thought about it like that; but how is that exactly like us?"

"It's just that, when I left, I hoped you would have a long, happy life. Seven years passed between the first and second time Carlisle found Esme. So I thought, in the back of my mind, after five years or so, if I checked on you and found you… well, I certainly didn't want you to commit suicide, please don't think that." He looked very worried, but I was still confused.

"What are you saying, Edward?"

"Just that if I came back and found you had been in an accident, or had an incurable illness, or I don't know what, I just thought that maybe after a few years it would be possible for me to return and find you in such a condition that if I changed you it wouldn't be such a sin. I told you it was crazy. I was out of my mind."

I thought about this. He had driven himself crazy, over me. Well, so had I, driven myself crazy over him. I thought about my reckless behavior with the motorcycle, and the cliff diving. The cliff diving.

"Edward, when you called the house and you thought I was dead…"

"Yes, that's what pushed me over the edge. I would have tried to kill myself any time I had found out you had died, but to think that I had been so stupid as to let myself hope that after a few years I _might_ be able to come back and change you… and then to find out that I was too late. It was like my heart had already been ripped out, and then it was being shredded in front of my face," he said as his voice broke on the last word.

I couldn't say anything. The depth of his emotion was overpowering. I ached to think about us both suffering so much and just clung to him, trying to get as close as possible.

"Don't get me wrong, I thought I deserved it. After what I had done to you, I wanted nothing more than to leave this earth and try to find you in the next world," he said, stoking my hair tenderly.

I took a deep breath before saying anything.

"You know, Edward, when you left, you took everything. I had nothing left to live for. I did a lot of stupid things when you were away. I just wanted to hear your voice, telling me to stop. It made me think you still cared about me," I confessed.

"I did. I never stopped loving you. I never will and I will never leave you again," he said fervently, bringing his lips to hover just above mine. "I promise," he whispered, just before kissing me with even more tenderness and care than usual, as if he was afraid I might break at any moment. I reached up and took his face in my hands, trying to comfort him. He broke away from my lips and planted kisses across my cheek and down my neck, inhaling deeply when he got to my shoulder.

"Look on the bright side," I said, hoping to lighten his mood. "At least I didn't turn to drugs or alcohol; I could have gotten in much worse trouble."

"Right," he agreed sarcastically. "You just ran with a pack of young werewolves, raced motorcycles and jumped off a cliff… minor distractions."

"Jake was supposed to be with me at the cliffs, but I couldn't wait for him. I was impatient to hear your voice, so I jumped. I knew as soon as I hit the water it was a mistake, though. The current was pulling me under and your voice was urging me to fight, to get to the surface, but I just couldn't."

I gazed into his golden eyes and saw that they held all the pain I had felt that day.

"I thought I was going to die but my life didn't flash before my eyes. My thoughts were only of you and how the pain would finally end, and maybe I would get to see you again."

"You would have. I was determined to find you in the next world. I could not stay here any longer without you. You are my life, Bella," he said as he held me tighter against him.

"You are mine, Edward," I murmured into his neck. "I wasn't trying… I didn't set out to kill myself, but if I had drowned, I wouldn't have cared. I had just about given up hope that you were ever going to come back. It was so hard to do anything."

"I can't stand to think about you in so much pain. I'm so sorry. You don't have to talk about this, Bella. We are together now and forever." He reached out and touched my cheek gently with his fingertips.

"I know that, Edward, but I feel like I have to say this. I just… I don't think I would be alive now if not for Jacob. He just wouldn't give up on me. There were so many times when I didn't see the point of going on and he would be there for me. It doesn't really matter what his motives were, I have to be grateful to him; and he did save me from drowning. Without him, I'm not sure I would be here now," I said, searching his face to see how he would take this admission.

"I know, Bella. For that I owe him a debt I will never be able to repay," he said, his voice low and intense.

"I'm glad you understand. It makes me feel better to talk about this, Edward. I feel much closer to you when we're able to communicate. I know it's painful, but it's good to get it out in the open; we can't have secrets from each other. I want to share everything with you. We have to tell each other the truth if we expect to have trust," I hoped he would understand why this was important to me, and with the way he was revealing more and more of himself to me, I believed he did.

"That's a very mature attitude, Bella, but I'm afraid I'm always going to want to protect you from harsh realities; I would do anything to make your life easier," he explained.

"Well keeping me in the dark isn't always so beneficial," I reminded him. "We have to be able to talk like this."

"You may be right, but old habits are hard to break, and only Carlisle seems to have older habits than me," he smiled his crooked smile and I had to smile, too. It must have been all right with him if he could start to tease about it. We had made it over the roughest patch and I hoped that things would be easier after this. I knew I would do anything to be with him and I had to believe he wanted me to be with him forever.

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**My beta, Ranma15177, was also nominated! Her story, **_**Escaping Sol**_** was nominated for Best Action/Adventure fiction, the **_**Race Through Volterra Award.**_** I have to express gratitude to my other beta, not done baking, who is a wonderful writer herself, and has contributed greatly to this story.**

**If ****you put Blue Moon on Story Alert, you will get an email every time I add a new chapter. If you put me on Author Alert you will get an email every time I write anything new.  
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	25. Time Is On My Side

**AN: First I want to THANK everyone who has voted for my story at The Denali Coven website because your votes did the job and _Blue Moon Over Manka's_ WON the Danger Magnet Award for Best Bella Characterization. I still can't believe it, and I am very grateful. They gave me this cool little graphic of Bella/Kristen that says "Danger Magnet," to put wherever I would like, so I'm putting in the Blue Moon Photo Album for now. **

**I have to give a special thanks to my two betas, not done baking and Ranma15177. Without them this story would be a big mess and not nearly as interesting. Ranma's story, _Escaping Sol, _ took the runner up prize in the Action/Adventure category and you all should go over and read it when you finish here. If you're looking for an alternative to _Breaking Dawn,_ it's a good one.  
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**While you're at my Profile page, take a moment to click on the link to my Blue Moon Photo Album. I uploaded pictures of all the art work mentioned in this chapter, including the sepia portrait of Edward, and you will certainly want to see that. I recommend opening another window and having the photo album open while you read this chapter. Of course I also recommend having some chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk to go along with it too, but that's just me.**

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Saturday afternoon

**Chapter 25: _Time Is On My Side_**

"You may be right, but old habits are hard to break, and only Carlisle seems to have older habits than me," Edward smiled his crooked smile and I had to smile, too. It must have been all right with him if he could start to tease about it. We had made it over the roughest patch and I hoped that things would be easier after this. I knew I would do anything to be with him and I had to believe he wanted me to be with him forever.

Edward gave me kiss on the top of my head before he stood up and we slowly walked back to the car. He made sure I was safely buckled in and then started the engine and pulled out onto the highway again, my hand securely in his. I exhaled deeply and leaned my head back against the headrest. From that point on the scenery became pure coastline, with the road winding its way around rocky outcroppings and sheer cliffs. Edward was driving the speed limit so I was more relaxed and gazed out the window again to watch the waves as we sped along.

I felt closer to him than ever before and was so happy that we had been able to talk about the painful times in our past without causing further damage to our relationship. There were so many things about him that were still a mystery and I longed to know every secret he was willing to tell me. I wasn't sure I would ever understand his thought process, but I wanted all the information I could get. I would take him on any terms but the way he was opening up to me gave me new confidence that we were forging a bond that would be truly unbreakable and I wanted that bond more than anything.

Then we left the coastline and approached the beautiful Golden Gate Bridge, shrouded in fog, the city of San Francisco twinkling like a jewel in the distance. We were heading towards the Marina, filled with boats of all shapes and sizes. We drove along the Embarcadero and Edward pointed out the Farmer's Market building with its quaint clock tower. He navigated through Union Square, skirting the elegant department stores I knew Alice wouldn't be able to pass. As I looked out the window the scenery suddenly changed to vast stretches of greenery and tall trees as we entered Golden Gate Park.

"There's an exhibit at the new DeYoung Museum I thought you might enjoy," Edward said as he slid into a parking space in the lot next to the tall, rectangular building. The top floor was all glass and looked like it would offer magnificent views of the park and surrounding city if it weren't so gray and foggy today.

We walked toward the entrance, hand in hand, and I noticed a tall, well-dressed blonde man leaning against the wall smoking a cigarette and staring at me. I faltered and stumbled a bit and Edward suddenly let go of my hand and put his arm around my waist, pulling me close to him. He stiffened and his whole posture changed as he quickened our pace and guided me into the spacious atrium of the museum.

Edward went to the desk and paid for our admission while I stood a little ways off and examined the glass walled space, offering views of the gardens on two sides. The museum was curiously uncrowded for a Saturday afternoon and we had the lobby to ourselves. I heard the entrance door close behind me and turned to see the blonde man advancing in my direction. I looked back at Edward to find he was suddenly at my side, putting his arm around my waist and ushering us to the elevator.

We waited a moment for the elevator to arrive and as we walked in he reached out and pressed the button for the third floor. Just before the doors closed the tall blonde man slipped in and smiled at me, showing slightly yellow crooked teeth. The aroma of cigarette smoke clung to his clothing and was very unpleasant in the small, confined space. Edward tightened his grip on me and glowered at the man, making sure his body was in front of mine. I could only imagine what this blonde guy was thinking and I knew from Edward's defensive posture it couldn't be good.

After a short but tense ride, the elevator doors opened onto the third floor and the man exited before us and turned to the right. I could tell Edward was seething as he led me down the corridor to the left.

"Edward, what's wrong?" I asked gently.

"That man should be arrested for what he is thinking; it's criminal. I am not letting go of you for a second," he said, sounding as determined as I had ever heard him.

He looked grim, but I knew he would take care of me so I wasn't concerned. I didn't think it was a good idea to question him about this any more so I decided I would try to get him to focus on something else as we walked. "What's the exhibit you wanted me to see?"

"Are you familiar with the works of the surrealist Salvador Dali?" He sounded a bit calmer and I was grateful he wasn't going to dwell on the unpleasant man in the elevator.

"I've seen some of his paintings in books; he certainly had a different perspective on things."

"That's a bit of an understatement. This collection focuses on his work from the 1930s and 40s and has a decidedly sensual undercurrent," he said slyly as we entered a large gallery containing examples of Dali's paintings, sculpture, furniture, photography and even jewelry. As we were walking in another couple walked out, laughing. We had the large room to ourselves.

One of Dali's most famous works, The Persistence of Memory, a painting of what looked like clocks in the process of melting, dominated the space. "The most accepted interpretation of this is that the watches debunk the assumption that time is rigid or determined. It is supposed to illustrate Einstein's theory that time is relative and not fixed. Any idea why I like this piece?" Edward asked, a sly smile playing on his lips.

"You're an expert on the passage of time?" I ventured to guess.

"I do have some knowledge of that subject," he laughed rather darkly. "What is your opinion of the painting?"

"Um… I sort of like the way the watches look like they're melting, but the ants and flies devouring the other watches are creepy."

He laughed again, this time with pure pleasure. "Dali said he got the idea for the melting clock faces when he was staring at a runny piece of Camembert cheese on a hot summer day."

"Now I understand the ants and the flies," I replied.

We walked hand in hand past several paintings with elephants as the main theme. We paused in front of one that featured a nude woman, apparently asleep while an elephant was suspended above her on wires. I leaned in to read the title card on the wall. "Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bee around a Pomegranate a Second Before Awakening, 1944."

"Dali was fascinated by elephants and used them in these paintings to create a sense of phantom reality."

"Is that something else you know all about… phantom reality?" I quipped.

"I am an expert on elephants… and butterflies," he quickly retorted, "and I do not need a wild imagination for that."

I grimaced at him, recalling one of our earlier conversations about why our being intimate could pose a problem.

We approached the far corner of the gallery where a small sofa stood in the sensual shape of a woman's lips fashioned in red satin. "The Mae West Sofa, 1936," I read a loud from a card on the wall. "What was she, the Madonna of her time? I guess this was pretty radical back then," I mused.

"The Thirties were a wild and desperate time; today's youth think they invented sex, but Mae West got arrested for some of the material in one of her risqué plays."

I gave him a sidelong glance, thinking again about how good he was at delaying gratification. He could give me lessons; I certainly needed them.

"I think I would enjoy having a sofa like this in our bedroom," Edward casually remarked, "but it would have to be custom made in the shape of your incomparable lips."

His eyes were focused on my mouth and I immediately blushed, thinking about some of the things it would be possible to do on such a piece of furniture. "If we're having furniture custom made I would prefer something in the shape of your lips, Edward. You have the most beautiful mouth I've ever seen." I had no problem telling him this because it was so true.

His eyes blazed then and leaned down and said in a low tone, "If you are trying to drive me wild you are doing a very good job of it but perhaps you should chose a more appropriate place next time."

"You sound awfully sure that there will be a next time, Mr. Cullen," I said with what I hoped was a wicked smile.

He raised an eyebrow but merely replied, "I live in hope, Ms. Swan."

I couldn't help but widen my smile because he so seldom used those words, live and hope, and in the same sentence. I didn't care if we were in a museum; I threw myself at him and wrapped my arms around his waist. He seemed a bit startled at first but then his arms folded around me and he kissed the top of my head.

"What brought that on?" he asked, seemingly confused.

"You just make me so happy, Edward," I mumbled into his chest. He smelled so good; I kept my nose pressed against him.

"I never knew what it meant to be truly happy until you loved me, Bella," he said simply.

"I know exactly what you mean," I barely whispered, knowing he would hear me.

He slid his hand up to my hair and loosely twisted his fingers in the long strands and gently moved my head back so he could look into my eyes.

"I think perhaps they should not have that sofa in this room… combined with your own luscious lips it is almost too much of a temptation… the things I am imaging now…" his voice got softer as he left the sentence unfinished.

I tried to duck my head into his chest again because I could feel the blush spreading from my face to my neck but he was having none of it, keeping a firm grip in my hair to steady my head from moving even an inch.

"Your delicious body does not make this any easier on me, you know that, don't you?" he teased.

"Are you saying I make things harder?" I asked innocently. Well, not really innocently, but he walked right into that one.

He groaned, dropping his head to rest on my shoulder. "You are just being cruel now, Bella," he said before kissing my neck and taking my hands from around his waist. "I will remember that when we are out of this place," he warned, holding my hand up and kissing my palm quickly while clasping my free hand in his and starting to lead me away from the sofa of so much contention.

We turned toward the center of the room where one of the strangest displays contained a Lobster Telephone, also from 1936. "He was so ahead of his time, wasn't he?" I asked, looking at Edward who was watching me.

"He tried to exist outside of time," Edward replied, drawing me toward a glass pedestal lit from below; at the top of the pedestal stood a striking ensemble of jewels.

Edward gestured to the elegant display and said, "The Royal Heart is crafted using gold and is encrusted with forty-six rubies, forty-two diamonds and four emeralds, and is created in such a way that the center 'beats' much like a real heart… watch."

The intricate piece consisted of a large gold heart and had actual moving parts in the center where you could see the sparkling jeweled heart beating. It was so astounding, it looked like it belonged in the Tower of London with the rest of the Crown jewels. I had never seen anything like this, but somehow it made me think of Edward. If he sparkled in the sunlight it made sense to me that his heart would sparkle inside of him, too.

"It's amazing," I breathed. "It reminds me of you."

He leaned down and whispered, "You are my heart, and you are far more beautiful than this."

My heart fluttered in response and he smiled, slipping his arm around my waist and leading us to the final wall of the gallery. A security guard chose this moment to amble through the gallery and he nodded at us as he passed by.

We strolled along gazing at various surrealist images until I stopped in front of one that made me gasp. It was a sepia tone portrait of an elegant young man's face with a large beetle crawling on his cheek.

"Edward, that looks exactly like you."

"Perceptive, as usual," his velvet voice sounded pleased. "It is me."

I leaned forward to read the title card and saw the date was 1940. I suddenly felt weak.

"What's wrong, Bella?" He tightened his grip around my waist and I leaned against him heavily.

"I… it's just…you…" I was feeling so overwhelmed I couldn't form a complete sentence.

Edward began walking and led us to an alcove between galleries. The small space was dimly lit in contrast to the bright light in the gallery but I could still see his body was tense and coiled as if ready to spring.

"Please tell me what you're thinking, your heart is beating erratically and you're frightening me," he pleaded.

I took a deep breath before attempting to speak. "I'm sorry, it's just that seeing that picture of you was a shock." I turned toward him and placed my hands on his rock hard chest. I needed to be close to him. His arms circled around me. "I mean, I know how old you are but I always think of you the way you are now. When I saw the date, it just hit me how long you were alone."

I felt him relax against me and he took in a deep breath. "Oh, that. You seemed horrified and I was afraid I was going to see the running and screaming, and this isn't a good place for that to happen," he remarked quietly.

I wanted to shake him but given my size and his strength that wasn't in the cards. "Edward, when are you going to understand that I love you unconditionally? There is nothing you could do or say or that I could find out about your past that is going to change the way I feel about you."

He pulled me tight against him and I slid my arms underneath his leather jacket and clung to him. "It is still hard for me to believe you can love me like that," he said wistfully.

"I do, and it hurts so much to think of you, all those years, with no one to love. Surrounded by the deep love that Carlisle and Esme share and the way Rosalie and Emmett are so physically affectionate, it must have been so difficult for you."

"I never knew what I was missing until I met you, Bella. Please do not feel sorry for me. I never felt the need for anyone else until you stumbled into my life. Now I cannot imagine being without you."

He brought his hand under my chin and tilted my face up to his. "You are well worth waiting for, Bella. Always remember that."

His eyes were sparkling and when his lips touched mine they were so soft, so gentle, so full of love I felt my heart expanding, ready to burst with feeling for him. As his lips moved against mine I was suddenly dizzy and started to sway but his arm merely tightened around my body, so solid and sure, pulling me ever so slightly nearer to him. He tangled his long fingers in my hair and deepened the kiss, pressing my back against the wall.

I could feel my pulse racing as I ran my hands up his silky shirt to his powerful shoulders, trying to pull him even closer to me. He traced my bottom lip with his cool tongue but before I could respond he suddenly broke away and turned us so I was facing the wall. He kept his arms around me and held me close.

I was confused at first but then I heard voices approaching and realized Edward had heard them heading our way long before I did. He leaned down and I felt his frosty breath tickle my ear as he whispered, "We really shouldn't be doing this here, but I find you irresistible."

He was such a gentleman. If he wanted to kiss me in the middle of the street I wouldn't object. I didn't care who saw us. I leaned my forehead against his chest, taking the opportunity to breathe deeply Edward's sweet scent.

Two women strolled past us into the next gallery, wondering out loud about what kind of drugs Dali was taking. When they were out of sight Edward kissed the top of my head.

My forehead was still pressed against his chest and I felt the beginnings of a growl forming deep inside him. I pulled back and out of the corner of my eye caught sight of the tall blonde man that had been on the elevator with us.

I pulled my hand away from Edward's back and quickly reached up to stroke his cheek. He was glaring at the stranger but instead of unleashing a fierce growl he kept it at a low rumble as the man walked past us.

"Edward, that guy is no threat to you, you don't have to be so territorial," I admonished.

"Bella, I am not threatened, I am worried about you. I never want you to hear thoughts like his or even get near someone like that. He is far worse than the adolescent fantasies of Mike Newton. He's dangerous and I don't want him anywhere near you. You are far too attractive for your own good. I really can't take you anywhere," he finished, truly exasperated.

"Oh, please," I sighed as I slid my hand down to his neck.

"When I was young there was a saying about keeping your wife at home, barefoot and pregnant. I always thought that was rather barbaric but I am beginning to see the logic, at least about the barefoot part," he said, smiling sheepishly.

"Well I have no objections to that, as long as you're there and barefoot with me," I agreed.

"You have a way of bringing out the most primitive urges in me, Bella," he said, his voice sounding like a seductive purr.

"Yes, you are getting a bit caveman. Maybe it's this dark little alcove we're in," I suggested.

"No, I think it's the nearness of you," he said as he leaned down and stole another kiss. I wasn't going to complain if he wanted to spend the rest of the day doing this.

"Have you seen enough or shall we continue on?" he inquired brightly.

"I want to go back and look at that picture of you again, and hear all about it. When did you meet Dali?"

He sighed, keeping his arm around my waist and beginning to walk back into the gallery.

"We were living out in the Hamptons for the winter; it rains a lot out there and it was just a sleepy little village like Forks, not the overrun celebrity haunt it is today. Dali and I had a few things in common; he was born in 1904 and his father was also a lawyer. His mother died when he was sixteen, but he did not become a vampire. Instead he became an artist. In his lifetime he created over 1,500 works of art, so he certainly had the energy of a vampire," he chuckled lightly.

"I met him in Manhattan where he was giving a lecture about surrealism. It went along with his manifesto entitled 'Declaration of Independence of the Imagination and of the Right of Man to His Own Madness.' You can imagine how that would be something I would be interested in… given my unusual abilities and lifestyle."

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, continue, please."

"He arrived at the lecture wearing a deep-sea diving suit, carrying a billiard cue and leading a pair of Russian wolfhounds. He went a bit overboard though, and I had to help unscrew the diving helmet; he had almost run out of oxygen and was gasping for breath. I could hear his thoughts and they were frantic."

"So you saved his life?"

"I guess you could say that," he replied modestly. "I just thought it would attract less attention than being connected in any way to his death."

"Did he realize you saved his life?"

"Yes, but his only comment for the whole stunt at the time was 'I just wanted to show that I was _plunging deeply_ into the human mind.' After the lecture he insisted I go out to dinner with him, but even then I was using the excuse that I was a vegetarian, so I merely talked to him while he ate."

"So how did your photograph come about?"

"He asked me to drop by his studio the next day. He was preparing for a major retrospective of his work and I was curious to see it since I did not think I would be able to attend the exhibition. So I went to his studio and after showing me some of the work you see here today, he asked me if I would pose for him with this insect. Most people were too squeamish but he was determined to capture the picture the way he envisioned it. I placed the bug on my face, he took the photo and here it is."

"He captured your dangerous side but you also seem sad," I observed, still thinking about all those nights Edward had spent alone, "and your eyes look pitch black."

"I was a bit hungry that day; I used to push myself, testing my limits, just to have something to do. I never saw Dali again after that and I never thought he would exhibit my photo. It just didn't seem like a big deal to me at the time, and now I can always say it was my grandfather. We left New York state shortly after that," he finished, carefully studying my face.

"Do you think they sell postcards of your portrait?" I wondered out loud.

"Perhaps we should check out the gift shop and see."

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**If you haven't already, check out the Photo Album link on my Profile Page to see all the art works mentioned in this chapter. The facts and stories about Dali are true, I just rearranged them to suit Edward's background. The portrait of Edward is from Robert Pattinson's film _The Haunted Airman._ He also portrays Salvador Dali in the new film, _Little Ashes_. As soon as I saw that photo I wanted to find a way to work it into Blue Moon and I finally did.  
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**T****hanks again for all for your support. **

**My beta, Ranma15177, has won the runner up prize for her story, **_**Escaping Sol**_**, for Best Action/Adventure fiction, the **_**Race Through Volterra Award.**_ **If you aren't already reading it I suggest you start now.**

**I have to express gratitude to my other beta, not done baking, a wonderful writer herself, and she has made valuable contributions to this story.**

**For those of you who enjoyed the elephant and the butterfly allusion, you will really enjoy the story where it originated. It's by nothingleft and it's called _The Talk._ You can get to it through a link on my Favorites List. You must read it immediately if you haven't already, it's that good.**

_**I always enjoy hearing from you guys, so please leave a review for this chapter and feel free to PM me anytime.**_

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	26. Past, Present, Future

**AN: First I want to THANK everyone who voted for my story at The Denali Coven website because your votes did the job and **_**Blue Moon Over Manka's**_** WON the Danger Magnet Award for Best Bella Characterization. I still can't believe it, and I'm very grateful. They gave me this cool little graphic of Bella/Kristen that says "Danger Magnet," to put wherever I would like, so I'm putting in the Blue Moon Photo Album for now. **

**I have to give a special thanks to my two betas, not done baking and Ranma15177 because their contributions have made this story what it is today--award winning. Ranma's story, Escaping Sol took the runner up prize in the Action/Adventure category and you all should go over and read it when you finish here. See the link on my Favorite Stories list.  
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**While you're at my Profile page, take a moment to click on the link to my Blue Moon Photo Album for photos of items that appear in this chapter (Edward's gift) I added photos of Bella's wardrobe, too.**

**Love to hear what you think, so keep those review comments in mind while you read...**

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**Chapter 26: Past, Present and Future**

"Do you think they sell postcards of this?" I wondered out loud.

"Perhaps we should check out the gift shop and see."

"Good idea." Besides seeing if they had copies of this postcard, the museum gift shop might be a good place to find a special present for Edward. Alice said it was traditional for a bride to give the groom a present on their wedding day and I had been looking for a while now and hadn't found anything I thought would be appropriate for him. Like giving him a birthday gift, finding this wedding present was proving to be no easy task. Maybe a museum store would have something more unusual that he would like.

It was a large space and there was one wall with floor to ceiling bookshelves full of art books. Another wall held artistic postcards and scarves, bags, and other reproductions of artworks. This wasn't as promising as I had hoped. We headed for the postcard wall and scanned the offerings but thankfully Edward's portrait wasn't there. We exchanged grateful smiles, knowing he didn't need any more evidence of his non-aging being mailed all over the world with vacation greetings.

We strolled around the edges of the room and then I noticed in the center a large glass display case full of jewelry and small items like pens and glass paperweights. It was difficult to shop for Edward when he was right next to me, but I didn't have much choice. I decided to try and distract him so I could check out the display case by myself.

"Edward, could you see if they have any books about Dali? Maybe your portrait is in one of them, and I was thinking it might be nice to get a book about architecture or landscaping for Esme… you probably already know what books she has. See if they have anything new here, could you?"

"Of course, I would be happy to," he said, flashing me a dazzling smile before he turned toward the wall of books.

That would probably only give me a few minutes, so I had to act fast. He started toward the bookshelves and I drifted over to the jewelry counter. I quickly scanned the case for the men's jewelry and my eye fell on an unusual watch.

It was slim and elegant, like Edward, and it had a simple white face, with no numbers, but three words. To the left of center it said 'Past,' in the middle, 'Present,' and to the right, 'Future.' There was a little square cut into the space where the number 12 should appear and in that space there was a window that showed the current time.

I knew Edward didn't really need a watch, but this one would strictly be a sentimental gift anyway. And what better way to commemorate our wedding day than something that said past, present and future? We'd had a somewhat rocky past, but our present was lovely and I wanted to spend the future with him more than anything.

I could just barely read the price tag and amazingly it was under a hundred dollars. I had that much cash with me, just in case I found something I couldn't pass up. And I decided this was it. Now, how to buy it without him knowing?

I quickly formulated a plan and walked over to where he was standing in front of the bookshelves, concentrating on breathing deeply and remaining calm if I wanted this to have any chance of working.

"Find anything?" I asked casually.

"Yes, here are two books on Dali," he said, pointing to where he had placed the books on a table to his right, "but my portrait isn't in either of them. I haven't found any architecture books that Esme doesn't already have either."

I glanced at the Dali books and then said, "Well, that's all right, it was just a thought." I stood next to him and laid my hand on his arm and he looked down at me. "I'm really thirsty, and I need a human moment. While I'm in the restroom do you think you could get me a bottle of water from the Café?"

"It would be my pleasure," he said, smiling down at me and gracefully taking my hand. We started walking out of the gift store and back into the lobby of the museum. The restroom was immediately to the left and the Café was on the other side of the huge lobby down a long hallway on the right. I had no intention of going to the restroom. I just hoped he would be gone long enough for me to complete my purchase. I had to remain relaxed if I was going to give him the slip for even five minutes.

"I'll be right back," he said, letting go of my hand. "Don't wander off."

I smiled and said, "Take your time, I'll be a few minutes," as I turned to the left, pressing my palm against the door of the Ladies Room. He started off toward the Café. I watched as he strode gracefully away from me and I quickly spun around and darted back into the gift shop.

I tripped just as I reached the jewelry counter and gripped the edges to steady myself. The clerk, who looked to be about my age, was a girl with a bright white streak in her chin length black hair. She hurried over and said, "Are you okay?" At least I didn't have to spend a lot of time trying to get her attention.

"Yes. I want to purchase that watch," I said with determination, as I pointed to the one I liked and she removed it from the case. "It's a gift, and I don't have a lot of time," I said, hoping she would realize the urgency from my tone.

"This is a new watch by a Bay area graphic designer, Daniel Will-Harris. We call it the Eternity watch and we just got it in." She ran the tag under the infared scanner and the price beeped on the cash register. "I'm sorry we don't do gift wrapping, but do you want me to remove the tag?"

"Excuse me," I heard an unfamiliar voice as someone brushed against my right side. I smelled the stale aroma of cigarette smoke before I even looked up to see the tall blonde man from the elevator standing at my elbow, giving me what I'm sure was his best smile. Unfortunately his yellowed teeth ruined the attempt. This was the creep Edward warned me about. I wasn't frightened though, only annoyed; I didn't have time for this. After moving slightly to my left and giving him a dismissive glance, I turned my attention back to the sales girl.

"That's okay, if you could just put it in a bag, please," and she did so as I took my wallet out of my purse. I swear it had cobwebs on it; it had been so long since I had to pay for anything when I was out with Edward.

"What are you buying today?" Mr. Annoying Blonde asked, leaning closer to me so that I could smell his disgusting breath. I didn't want to look at him again so I glanced at the salesgirl and I could tell by the look on her face she would be as happy as I was when he got the message and left me alone.

I instinctively took a step away from him and just then my cell phone rang and I jumped, grabbing the counter with my left hand to keep myself from falling over. Edward was calling me, he knew I wasn't in the restroom; I didn't have much time left.

I ignored the insistent ringing and removed the cash from my wallet, but behind me I heard a very familiar voice growl, "Excuse me, my fiancée needs my help with this transaction," and out of the corner of my right eye I saw a water bottle appear suddenly on the top of the display case, resting in the hand of my outraged vampire love.

Edward's body was now between mine and the clueless blonde guy, and I could tell by the way Edward squared his shoulders he wanted to do something violent.

I knew my half-baked plan had failed miserably, and now here he was hovering next to me, about to devour a guy who had already begun to back away. Stupid speedy fiancé. He let go of the bottle and I watched nervously as his hand clenched into a fist and he took a step toward the blonde man.

"Leave," Edward snarled as he took another step forward. The creep turned quickly made his way to the exit.

I looked around and noticed that aside from the salesgirl we were the only ones in the gift shop. I was relieved, since Edward had clearly almost lost it. She was watching him with a glazed over look, as if mesmerized but not alarmed.

I turned back to find him peering at me with a mixture of impatience and annoyance.

"You were not where you said you would be and you didn't answer your cell phone," he said quietly and he looked upset with me. "I was worried when I couldn't find you and then I discover you being preyed upon by a pervert," he said in an irritated whisper as he draped his arm around my shoulder.

I hadn't actually said I would be outside the Ladies Room, but I knew that's where he thought he would find me and I felt guilty for making him worry.

"He was just trying to get my attention,'" I protested, "but I didn't even respond."

"You didn't hear what he was thinking; I warned you about him. You have no idea what he was planning," he fumed. "I can't leave you alone for a moment. We are going to have to discuss this. What _were_ you thinking?"

"Way to spoil a surprise," I muttered.

"A surprise?" He sounded intrigued.

I merely frowned at him, giving him the silent treatment.

"For me? What is it?" His annoyance vanished.

"If I tell you it's no longer a surprise. Go away for a few minutes."

"Well I know about it now anyway," he said, not moving an inch and tightening his grip on my shoulder.

"Yes, but I can still surprise you with it; you can't see through the bag."

He gave me a funny look but said nothing. Darn it, he smelled so good and I loved how he was pressing his hard body against mine like he hadn't seen me in a month. What was I trying to do here? Oh, yeah.

"Please go look at the books or something and let me finish paying for this," I instructed him.

"I'm not leaving you alone again," he said curtly and evidently that was final. He was already handing his credit card to the bewildered clerk who had been openly staring at him this whole time. He smiled at her and I heard his velvet voice say, "Thank you so much for assisting my fiancée. Would you please put her purchase on this card?"

"Edward, stop it. I'm paying for this," I hissed at him, trying to keep my voice down and not make a bigger scene.

The salesgirl was so dazzled by him she took the card and automatically swiped it through the reader and handed it back to him, almost as if in a trance. I could tell she didn't want to take her eyes off of him and I could hardly blame her. This wasn't turning out at all the way I had planned.

I looked at him through narrowed eyes, trying to convey my disapproval of his technique working so well on the poor girl. He turned his eyes to me and smiled but I was not dazzled this time, I was too angry.

She handed him the charge slip and he quickly signed it in his beautiful script without taking his eyes away from me. I didn't want to attract any more attention to myself but I was getting increasingly irritated by the second.

"Edward, I have money. You can't pay for this. It's not a gift from me if you pay for it."

"I accept your premise but I reject your conclusion," he said smoothly.

"What are you talking about?"

"You found it, you chose it, and you will give it to me. How is that not a gift?"

"Because you paid for it," I objected.

"It's the thought that counts. Believe me, I know that better than anyone," he said, smiling his enchanting crooked smile.

I was so annoyed with him using his special skills to get his way, I shoved the cash back in my wallet and lifted my left hand, slowly pushing a piece of hair behind my ear, making sure the salesgirl got a good look at my engagement ring. Then I rested my hand on the counter in front of her where she couldn't avoid seeing it.

She handed the bag to me with a wistful look. "You are a very lucky girl. Thank you and have a nice day," she sighed.

"This is not over," I whispered to Edward in what I hoped was my most threatening tone.

"I hope not," he replied easily, as if he thought he had won this round.

Before I could move he smiled at the sales girl again and said, "Excuse me, could you please show us that ring," pointing at a silver ring with two hands clasped together.

"Certainly," she replied brightly, eager to assist Edward. "This was part of a Celtic exhibit we had a couple of months ago. It's actually made of three narrow bands that are hinged and it opens up so you can see a heart underneath the two hands."

"Do you like it, Bella?" his honeyed tone purred in my ear.

Did he think he was going to get out of my scolding over paying for his own gift by buying me another gift? It was a charming ring, though, elegant and not flashy. I frowned.

"Would you try it on?" He was using his most persuasive tone as he reached out and took the ring box from the sales girl who was clearly enthralled with him.

"I guess so," I heard myself say as he took my right hand in his and slipped the ring on my third finger. It fit perfectly.

"You know you already have my heart, but this could be a sweet reminder," he whispered in my ear, his cool breath making me shiver. "I would put a ring on every finger if you would let me."

I wanted to be mad at him but he made it nearly impossible. I suddenly had an idea. I looked at the salesgirl and asked, "Does this ring come in larger sizes?"

"Yes, I think we have a few left," she said, disappearing under the counter for a moment. She stood up and put three ring boxes on the counter.

"Would you wear this ring?" I looked up at Edward.

"I am rather hard on jewelry, Bella… but I could try if it would make you happy," he said, opening up the box in the middle.

I quickly reached out and he let me have the ring. I think he knew I wanted to put it on him. I took his left hand and my hand didn't even shake as I slipped it on his wedding ring finger. "It might be a good idea for you to wear this until the wedding," I murmured.

"Why is that?" he inquired lightly.

"It kind of looks like a wedding ring and I need all the help I can get where you're concerned," I whispered, glancing at the sales girl who still hadn't taken her eyes off of him.

The sound of his laughter made me forget that I had ever been annoyed with him. I decided happy Edward was worth a little aggravation, for now at least.

He handed his credit card to the still dazzled girl and said, "We will take both rings."

"Wait. Edward, let me pay for yours. I'm still trying to get you a gift."

He nodded at her to go ahead and said to me, "Bella, when will you learn… it is a gift when you let me spoil you."

"I said no extra gifts this weekend; it was part of our deal," I reminded him.

"You already agreed to accept this ring," he protested.

"Yes, but I didn't agree to let you pay for your own gifts," I argued, thinking he wouldn't have a snappy retort for that.

"I do not recall any prohibition against me buying something for myself," he said, cleverly finding a loophole in our agreement and signing the charge slip with a flourish.

"Thank you so much for allowing me to help you," the sales girl gushed, leaning over the counter to retrieve the charge slip and get a little closer to Edward.

I glared at her, raising one eyebrow. She had heard him call me his fiancée, she had seen my engagement ring, and just sold us matching rings, for heaven's sake. I grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled him down to me. I slid my other hand around his neck and said, "Yes, thank you, Edward," before giving him a big kiss. That was one signal she couldn't ignore.

He had looked a bit startled when I grabbed his shirt but he relaxed into the kiss and returned it with enthusiasm, his arms circling my back and sliding down to rest at my waist. "Bella," he whispered, breaking our kiss, "let's continue this somewhere not so public."

"Fine with me," I said, picking up the water bottle from the counter and turning away from the envious girl without so much as a backward glance. I couldn't believe I had done that, but he did belong to me, after all. I was the one who couldn't let _him_ out of my sight.

Edward kept one arm around my waist and started leading me toward the exit.

"Oh, wait. I really do need a human moment; it was just a ruse, earlier. So much for my cunning plan." I was reminded of how he spoiled my surprise.

He said nothing but turned and started escorting me back to the Ladies Room.

"Bella, I am very pleased that you found something you think I will like as a surprise. That is all that matters; that you were thinking of me."

"I'm always thinking of you, Edward. Don't you know that?"

"You are always in my thoughts too, Bella."

It really was impossible to stay mad at him. We had arrived at my destination. "I'll be right back," I said as I handed him the water bottle and left him by the door, this time actually going in with a purpose. I took the watch and receipt out of the bag and put them in my purse, throwing away the bag.

I had intended to give it to him on our wedding day and now that he knew about it, it took some of the fun out of it. Not to mention that he had paid for it himself. I wanted him to know that would have some consequences but I didn't want to have an argument. He was getting to be as hard to surprise as Alice. I felt completely human and inadequate.

When I reappeared outside the restroom a few minutes later he was leaning against the opposite wall, playing with the new ring on his finger. Seeing that made me smile.

"What happened to my present?" He asked, immediately noticing I wasn't carrying the bag any longer.

"That's for me to know and you to find out, and that's what happens when you spoil a surprise."

He took my hand and we started walking toward the exit and out to the sidewalk. We walked for a minute in silence. I hoped he was thinking about what I said.

"You are not really mad are you?" He sounded concerned and that made me feel better. At least he realized I had been seriously annoyed.

"I wish you would have let me pay for your gift. I can afford it."

"I have told you that money is meaningless. It _is_ the thought that counts."

"But it makes me feel like I don't measure up, because I will never be your equal when it comes to money, and …"

"I am very sorry, I never meant to make you feel like that. That did not occur to me because I always think of you as being so superior to me in every way. Just being with you is the greatest gift, and if I spent ten million dollars on you it would not be enough to show how much I care."

That statement made my mind start spinning in several directions. The dollar amount had rolled off his tongue so easily it made me wonder if that was just a drop in the bucket to him. I knew the Cullens were wealthy, but it was ridiculous to seriously think about him spending that kind of money on me. It made me feel even more insignificant.

He was perfection, yet he thought I was superior. Would I ever completely understand our relationship? How much would it change when I changed? I didn't know whether to feel apprehensive or hopeful.

I hadn't been paying attention to where we were going but we had reached the SUV in the lot next to the museum. Edward opened the door and helped me into the passenger seat. He handed me the water bottle and I let it fall in my lap. Before he could move I reached up and put my arms around his neck. He leaned in and put his hands on my waist and brought his face close so that his eyes were level with mine. In our short walk I had figured some things out, and I needed to let him know.

"You don't ever have to buy anything to prove how much you love me, Edward. So, if I follow that logic, I guess it isn't really important for me to pay for something to prove how much I love you, either. I sometimes feel like the differences between us are so great, I'm just not good enough for you. I love you too much to ever let you go, though."

His arms reached around my back and pulled me closer to him. He quickly pressed his lips to mine and drove all thoughts out of my head. As his lips moved against mine I felt his urgency and longing. I loved feeling his passion like this so much it was impossible to get close enough to him, although I tried, molding myself against every part of him I could reach. My hands were on either side of his neck and I dug my fingers into his shoulders. His kiss took on an edge of desperation as his tongue darted out and flicked against my upper lip sending little icy sparks straight through me.

His lips moved against mine hungrily and with more pressure. I parted my lips and he took possession of me completely, going further than ever before. He slid his knee in between my legs and I moved nearer to him, all my senses reeling as my body started to tremble. He was crossing so many boundaries I lost count. He moved his mouth away from mine, holding me tight and burying his head in my neck, panting. I felt lightheaded and continued to cling to him, my brain as clouded and foggy as the hills in the San Francisco skyline.

"Bella, you are so far above me I will never be your equal. What can I do to make you understand that?" he murmured against my neck.

My heart was still fluttering like a butterfly being chased by a blue jay. I knew there was something I wanted to say, but I was still slightly dizzy and the feeling of his lips on my neck weren't helping. I ran my fingers though his hair and he gently kissed his way down to my shoulder. My mind slowly came back to earth.

"But I want us to be equals, Edward."

He raised his face and looked into my eyes again.

"We can be equal partners in our marriage, Bella, but you will always be so much better than me it's immeasurable."

I sighed. I could see I was not going to win this round, but I liked the sound of the 'equal partners' bit. We would have to explore that later on.

"We're just going to have to agree to disagree on that, Edward."

"Does that mean I am forgiven?"

"Yes, I guess so."

"So do I get my surprise now?" His eyes were lit up like he was a little boy at Christmas.

Seeing him like that made me want to give it to him right now, but I fought that impulse. I shouldn't make things too easy on him. He was so used to getting his way about everything.

"Not just yet. I want you to think about how you need to give me the chance to do things for you. Our relationship is not just a one way street."

"You already give me so much, Bella. This weekend trip is like a dream come true."

"I agree with you about that. I'm having a wonderful time."

"I am glad to hear it, but there is something unpleasant we need to discuss before we go any further," he said with a new serious tone.

"What?" I gulped, curious by his sudden change in demeanor.

He let go of me and stood up, closing the door and walking around to slip in behind the wheel. He picked up both my hands and held them in his while he gazed at me pensively. I was starting to get a very bad feeling.

"I understand that you were only trying to surprise me, but do you have any idea what I went through when I arrived back at the restroom and found you missing?"

Was that what his serious mood was about? I had already dismissed that whole scene. I thought I had gotten away with my little subterfuge a bit too easily, though. Maybe I could tease him a little and get out of a lecture. "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I could buy your gift before you got back. You're just too speedy, Edward."

"No, Bella, you are not grasping the problem. I had already warned you about that disgusting deviant; he had been following you since we entered the building. I told you he was dangerous. I only agreed to leave you at the restroom because I knew he was outside smoking. I thought you would be safe for a few minutes and I trusted you," he explained, a stern look on his beautiful face.

He was overreacting; I knew he was concerned about me but I could take care of myself. I just nodded and let him continue.

"Evidently as soon as I entered the Café to get your water he came back in the museum and started looking for you. I thought you would be safe in the Ladies Room. Imagine my abject panic when I arrived and found you gone. I went in there looking for you," he told me, his brow furrowed in disapproval, "and I was ready to tear that museum apart to find you."

I knew I was in trouble now. He had given me ample warning and I had ignored it. This was going to be worse than I thought. I chewed on the inside of my lip and waited to hear what else I had done wrong but he was waiting for me to say something.

"Oh, I am sorry, Edward, I just didn't think—" I began before he cut me off.

"Yes, Bella, that is exactly the problem. You don't give your own safety the proper consideration. This danger magnet business is not funny; you seem to attract the worst kind of predators. You have a propensity for rushing headlong into situations that put you in peril. I had hoped that you had somewhat conquered that particular trait but after what you just did, I see that it was too much to hope for," he said, the resignation in his voice piercing my heart.

"I'm sorry, Edward, but nothing terrible happened. I can be on my own for five minutes. I was in a public place after all, and although that man did find me, he only tried to get my attention, and he failed at that," I said, sounding defensive, no matter how much I wanted to sound justified. "It wasn't such a big deal," I said, finally exasperated at his scolding me for something so minor.

"Bella, he had an aerosol drug in his pocket that would have made you unconscious in a matter of seconds. He was trying to get close enough to you so that you would inhale it and he could then have kidnapped you. No one would have stopped him. It would have all happened very quickly. If I hadn't found you when I did, I could have lost you forever," he said, his anguish palpable.

I was shocked. "Did you know about this from when we first saw him?"

"Not his whole plan, but I told you he was dangerous, criminal. Young girls, art students, come here alone to study and sketch, and he is lying in wait for them. I warned you about him but you seem to have no sense of self preservation," he concluded bitterly. "You must be more careful. I cannot go on without you, Bella."

"Why didn't you tell me just how dangerous he was?"

"Because I do not want to be the one to open your eyes to how horrible people can be. I have seen things like this for decades and I want to protect you from anything unpleasant. I _did_ tell you he was dangerous. I did warn you. I should not have to elaborate."

I looked down at the floor, unable to meet his gaze any longer. I felt terrible for being so stupid and frightening him. He had warned me but I felt so safe with him I didn't think anymore about it. Things could have gone terribly wrong because I was so thoughtless. Now I realized why his kiss moments ago had such an air of desperation. He had thought he might have lost me again, and I was upset with him for spoiling my surprise. Would I ever learn?

Edward reached up and caressed my cheek with his fingertips and I shuddered at his gentle touch. "Bella, you are too careless with your life. You do not seem to understand how valuable you are; not only would I be lost without you, but Alice and the whole family would be irreparably broken. Carlisle and Esme already love you like you were their own daughter."

I nodded, unable to speak, knowing what he said was true but not knowing how to respond.

"You are always so concerned about making other people around you happy that you neglect your own needs and seem to be unaware of just how precarious your hold on life is. You are so sweet and innocent; I do not want you to become hardened but you are very fragile and I am so afraid of losing you," he concluded sadly, his sweet voice carrying an echo of an earlier pain.

After he had just told me this morning how miserable he had been when we were separated now I had done something foolish to make him think we might be parted again. I was fighting to hold back the hot tears I felt welling up in my eyes. "You're right," I choked out the words. "I was so busy trying to get a surprise for you I completely forgot about everything else. I was so proud of myself for fooling you," I confessed, barely able to keep the tears from falling.

He leaned across the console and scooped me into his arms then, and cradled me against his chest, kissing the top of my head and rubbing his hand across my back. "Please don't cry, Bella. I don't want to hurt your feelings I just want you to understand how important you are and how you must be more careful," he pleaded with me.

I tried to compose myself enough to ask him if he could excuse my bad behavior. I hated to think of how I had made him frantic over me. "I will try to be more aware, Edward. I didn't realize… can you forgive me?"

"Of course, my love. I'm just upset because I try to be there for you every moment and the minute I leave you alone, something like this happens," he said as he began to place kisses on my temple.

I bit my lip, still trying to keep from crying. He was being so gentle now I felt even worse about being oblivious before.

"Bella, stop biting your lip; that is going to be my job in the very near future," he said seductively as his lips worked their way across my cheek.

I was so grateful he wasn't going to be upset with me and let this ruin our day I couldn't wait to kiss him. I closed my eyes and leaned into him just as his cool lips met mine. That familiar spark set my lips on fire as I slid my hand into his hair and twisted a handful tightly in my fingers. His lips were soft and gentle now, and I relaxed into him, parting my lips and slowly tracing the perfect shape of his with my tongue. A small growl escaped his lips as he pulled away and I opened my eyes in surprise.

"Keeping you barefoot in a cabin in the woods is looking more and more appealing," he mused.

I smiled at that image. "I won't object to that all at, Edward. I think it sounds like a great idea, and it has a lot of side benefits, too. Alice couldn't take me shopping or do makeovers on me," and I couldn't stop smiling at that thought.

"I don't know if anything can prevent that," he chuckled, bringing his smiling lips to press against mine again. This kiss was slow, long, and very sweet. I felt warmth spreading from my core to every extremity as I clung to Edward. I was forgiven and he was letting me know how much he cherished me, even if I would win the award for the world's most likely to attract trouble without even trying.

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**AN:** **Time to hit that Submit Review button and let me know what you thought about this chapter. **

**If you want to see the watch Bella buys for Edward, click on the link on my Profile page. It really is a cool watch and is sold in museum gift shops. I added a photo of the ring with hands clasped over a heart in the Photo Album, link also on my Profile page. I have also set up an area on the Twilighted d o t net website where readers can discuss Blue Moon or anything about Twilight. Link is also on my Profile page.**

**My beta, Ranma15177, has won the runner up prize for her story, _Escaping Sol_****, for Best Action/Adventure fiction, the _Race Through Volterra Award._ ****If you aren't already reading it I suggest you start now. There is a link in my Favorite Stories list.**

**I'd like to express gratitude to my other beta, not done baking, a wonderful writer herself, for the valuable contributions she has made to this story.  
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_**If you choose to put me on Author Alert you will get an email every time I put any new story online, even it it isn't a part of Blue Moon. I will have some one shots and outtakes that go along with this story but are not chapters, so if you want to get notices about them, put me on Author Alert. Thanks.**_


	27. Try To See It My Way: EPOV

**AN: I'm still thanking everyone who voted for my story at The Denali Coven to make **_**Blue Moon Over Manka's**_** the winner of the Danger Magnet Award for Best Bella Characterization. I put the cool little graphic of Bella/Kristen that says "Danger Magnet," in the Blue Moon Photo Album along with a photo of the clasped hand rings mentioned in the previous chapter. I've added new photos of Bella's wardrobe, too. Get to the Album through a link on my Profile page. **

**This chapter is different from the one I had planned. I received several requests for the last chapter from Edward's perspective. People wanted to know details that only he knew, and while I don't usually do the same material from both their points of view, I got some inspiration and wrote this new chapter. It's the longest chapter EVER, so I hope it was worth the wait. Plus, we haven't been inside Edward's head since Chapter 21, so come on everybody, here we go…**

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**Chapter 27: _Try To See It My Way_**

"Do you think they sell postcards of this?" Bella asked me, eyes full of wonder.

"Perhaps we should check out the gift shop and see," I replied, starting to escort her from the gallery.

We arrived at the museum shop on the ground floor, and immediately headed toward the wall that held the postcards. After a quick scan of the Dali cards I could see, thankfully, my portrait was not among them. I glanced at her to find her smiling at me; she was so lovely and trusting, and I wanted to keep her that way.

I had already scanned the shop for any signs of that deranged degenerate who had designs on her, but I was pleased to confirm that we had been able to slip away from the third floor galleries without his noticing.

His mind was so disturbed I did not relish monitoring his every vile thought. They rattled around in his head like the rusty blades of an old room fan; spinning rapidly and then wobbling to a standstill as if the short in his brain was a response to some frayed wiring in his nervous system. As long as two floors separated us I would seek to concentrate on Bella alone, my perfect distraction from the ugliness of the real world.

"Edward, could you see if they have any books about Dali? Maybe your portrait is in one of them, and I was thinking it might be nice to get a book about architecture or landscaping for Esme… you probably already know what books she has. See if they have anything new here, could you?"

"Of course, I would be happy to," I said, pleased to be of service, since my sweetheart so seldom requested anything of me. Not surprisingly, even this request was borne of her thoughtfulness toward my family.

As I started for the bookshelves I noticed she went to center of the room to look at a counter full of jewelry. That was different; she usually did not show much interest in jewelry or any kind of adornments. Her style was simple and uncomplicated, allowing her natural beauty to be more easily appreciated. I wondered if all the time she had been spending with Alice was making an impression on her. More likely she was looking for a gift for Alice to repay her for all her efforts as our wedding planner. As if letting Alice play dress up with her wasn't thanks enough.

I quickly scanned through the appropriate books, putting a couple aside, but could ascertain nothing of real interest.

"Find anything?" Bella inquired lightly, returning to my side.

"Yes, here are two books on Dali," I said, pointing to the books on a table to my right, "but my portrait isn't in either of them. I haven't found any architecture books that Esme doesn't already have either."

She gave the Dali books a cursory glance and then said, "Well, that's all right, it was just a thought." She stood next to me and placed her hand on my arm, immediately commanding my full attention. She was luminous, glowing. She seemed a bit excited, but it was probably just relief that my portrait wasn't being reproduced for mass consumption.

"I'm really thirsty, and I need a human moment. While I'm in the restroom do you think you could get me a bottle of water from the Café?"

"It would be my pleasure," I said, smiling down at her and taking her hand in mine.

We started walking out of the gift store and back into the lobby of the museum. The restroom was immediately to the left and the Café was on the other side of the huge lobby down a long hallway on the right. This wing of the museum was virtually deserted and I monitored the minds of the museum's inhabitants to locate the deviant. He had gone out to smoke. Good. As long as he was so occupied outside I could leave her in the restroom and be relatively sure of her safety.

"I'll be right back," I said, letting go of her hand. "Don't wander off." I would be back before she was finished, with luck.

She gave me a sweet smile and said, "Take your time, I'll be a few minutes," and I watched as she turned and pressed her palm against the door of the Ladies Room.

She would be fine on her own for a short time. I started walking briskly toward the Café. When I arrived I immediately picked up a bottle of water and got in line to pay, but I could tell this was not going to be the work of a moment. There were several women ahead of me who were fumbling with their wallets and arguing over who was going to treat whom. I quickly extracted two singles from my wallet and got out of line, walking directly up to the cashier, an attractive redheaded girl who turned her attention to me at once.

"Sorry, I'm in a bit of a hurry, please keep the change," I said, smiling at her as I handed her the cash.

"Thanks," she said, giving me a wide smile as she thought, _come back again when you've got more time, handsome. _I shook my head as I swiftly made my way toward the exit.

As I walked through the atrium I listened to ascertain that the lunatic was still outside indulging in just one of his many filthy habits, but I heard nothing. I hurried over to the glass doors and peered outside but he was no longer there, nor was he visible anywhere in the park that I could see from my vantage point. I quickened my pace as I searched to find his thoughts, but the short in his neuroelectrical system was making it difficult. I could only catch the whirring fragments of a scheme, then he was curiously silent. This was not good. I should never have left Bella for even a moment.

I arrived at the door to the Ladies Room and immediately picked up her scent on the door, but I could hear no one's thoughts on the other side of the door, and no audible sounds, either. Bella wasn't in there, no one was; wasting no time I pushed the door open and stepped inside, took a quick look and charged out into the hall again. Where was she? I felt an icy hand reach into my chest and painfully squeeze the space where my still, cold heart resided. Terror shot through me as I anxiously began searching for her.

I turned to the left but there was no trace of her scent in that direction, so I swiftly turned back and began to retrace my steps toward the gift shop. Of course her scent would linger here; we had just been here together a few minutes ago. I listened for her heartbeat as I frantically began to run. Now that I knew exactly what it was like to be so close to her it would be even more unbearable to lose her.

My fear and frustration rose as I detected _his_ scent, mixed with the cigarette smoke that permeated his skin. If he had so much as touched her I would snap his neck and I wouldn't care who was watching. I whipped out my cell phone as I sprinted toward the gift shop. If he had her, what were they still doing in the museum? His plan was to incapacitate her and drag her out as quickly as he could. I must get to her before it was too late. Why had I ever left her alone? I should have known better.

I detected her heartbeat, still beating a normal rhythm. That had to be a good thing, didn't it? Perhaps he had her, but she was still conscious, and showing no fear. I pressed her cell number on speed dial as I neared the gift shop.

I slowed, finally able to hear his thoughts clearly. He was frustrated and losing patience. He didn't abduct her from the restroom; he followed her, and now he was unable to attract her attention and unable to spray the drug in her face while the sales clerk was hovering so close to Bella. That piece of vermin wanted to take my angel away from me, but I would stop him before he could lay one of his filthy hands on her.

I arrived at the threshold of the gift shop and immediately surveyed the scene. There she stood with her back to me, so fragile, so vulnerable, and so unaware of the danger just an arm's reach from her. My panic was subsiding, but it was quickly replaced by anger that built as I watched as her cell phone rang and she stumbled, clutching onto the display counter to keep herself from falling over. Bella was ignoring the phone's ringing but her heart did skip a beat. She continued to take her wallet out of her bag, oblivious to the monster hovering right next to her.

Her body showed no indication of fear; I could detect no surge of adrenaline polluting her sweet scent. I was both irritated and relieved. She did not need to know the horrors this fiend had planned for her in his rotting, twisted little mind but I was aware of exactly what he wanted to do and I would stop him. I knew I didn't deserve her, but I didn't deserve to have her taken away from me like this, either. I began to move forward slowly, not wanting to startle him into grabbing her.

The sales girl had enough sense to know this guy was bad news… the worst kind of news, actually-- but Bella seemed unaware of his presence at her elbow. That was enough; that vile scum had to be stopped, and now. I strode purposefully toward him, and restraining myself as much as I could under the circumstances, placed my body in front of Bella's so that pathetic excuse for a human being was forced to take a step away from her.

"Excuse me, my fiancée needs my help with this transaction," I growled as I set the water bottle down as gently as I could, considering I wanted to tear this monster's head off. He took another step back and recognized that his plan had zero chance of success now. He had a strong sense of self-preservation for someone so unbalanced.

Too bad Bella's instinct was so severely lacking in that area. She placed almost no value on herself at all. Did she not even realize what she meant to me? To my family? I was going to have to speak with her about this incident and I knew it would not be pretty. I would postpone that until it was absolutely necessary. It was so disconcerting to be unable to read her thoughts, but I could hear her heart rate accelerating now, excited by what I might do.

I threw out my chest and made myself as tall and threatening as possible, clenching my fists and taking a step towards the vile deviant. The nicotine drenched troll was already planning his escape.

"Leave," I snarled as I took another step toward him glaring at him malevolently. That was all it took; he almost ran out of the shop, and not a moment too soon. I wanted to do nothing more than rip his throat out, and in my rebellious years that is exactly what I would have done. Such a criminal did not deserve to live and carry out his lewd plans on unsuspecting young girls. I would put a stop to that before the day was through.

I had to control those urges before I turned back to face Bella. I tried to keep her from seeing the monster lurking under the gentle façade I tried to project for her benefit. I took several deep breaths before looking in her direction.

I could tell from her flashing eyes and the tension visible around her mouth she seemed to be annoyed with me. What was her problem? Did she not realize how close she came to having her life irrevocably damaged and possibly destroyed? I knew I had no way of reading her mind but I was so far from understanding it, I was frustrated to the point of distraction.

Thank god the sales girl had been here, helping Bella. There was no one else in the gift shop and if not for her, who knows what might have happened. Unfortunately she was now completely enthralled with me and was busy doing her best to figure out how to give me her number without Bella realizing it.

"You were not where you said you would be and you didn't answer your cell phone," I said in a low tone, striving to hide my aggravation. "I was worried when I couldn't find you and then I discover you being preyed upon by a pervert," I concluded in a whisper as I draped my arm around her delicate shoulder.

I wanted to envelope her in my embrace and crush her against me but that would have to wait for a more suitable environment. I settled for sliding my arm around her and drawing her close to me, needing to feel her warm little body against mine to provide the calm and reassurance I so desperately sought. Just the thought of losing Bella had shaken me to my core. Now I could take a deep breath and inhale her natural fragrance, better than any perfume. Every single thing about her drew me to her and I was so relieved to have found her safe I wanted to pick her up and spin her around; it was taking all my self control to merely hold her next to me.

"He was just trying to get my attention,'" she complained, "but I didn't even respond."

This was going too far; she had not perceived him as a threat at all. Her ability to ascertain the dangerous from the non-dangerous was still as faulty as ever.

"You didn't hear what he was thinking; I warned you about him. You have no idea what he was planning," I hissed. "I can't leave you alone for a moment. We are going to have to discuss this. What _were_ you thinking?"

"Way to spoil a surprise," she muttered, probably thinking I would understand her. Oh, she meant the watch she was attempting to buy. I had already seen this watch in the sales girl's mind. It was supposed to be a present for me.

"A surprise?" I tried to sound interested since I realized this wasn't the best place to discuss what had just happened.

Bella frowned at me, but said nothing else. She was mad at me for spoiling her surprise. What a silly goose. I was so grateful to find her unharmed I decided to play along. I wanted to make that frown disappear from her beautiful brow.

"For me? What is it?" I made my voice sound eager.

"If I tell you it's no longer a surprise. Go away for a few minutes," she ordered me.

Fat chance; I was not about to let go of her, not even for a second.

"Well I know about it now anyway," I told her, drawing her even closer to me. She didn't resist, so she couldn't be too upset with me.

"Yes, but I can still surprise you with it; you can't see through the bag."

Did she really believe I didn't know what she had been up to? Had she been concentrating so hard on executing her little subterfuge she was unaware that I had already gained all the details I needed from the almost drooling sales girl? I gazed at her with a bemused expression; let her make what she could of it.

Her head was turned toward me and she took a deep breath, evidently struggling to calm herself; her eyes seemed to glaze over momentarily. I think she was intoxicated by my proximity. She looked as if she wanted to say something but the part of her brain that controlled speech seemed to have dissolved. Good… I was going to need all my dazzling abilities to finesse my way through this next maneuver. Then she shook her head and the mists appeared to have cleared.

"Please go look at the books or something and let me finish paying for this," Bella requested of me once she had regained her senses.

"I'm not leaving you alone again," I said briskly, leaving no room for argument. She had given me the slip for the last time. I would personally escort her inside the Ladies Room from now on, if necessary.

I deftly slipped my credit card out of the wallet in my jacket pocket and handed it to the sales girl who had made no attempt to hide her gawking at me since I had entered the room. I turned my attention to her, giving her a dazzling smile and leaning forward as I said, "Thank you so much for assisting my fiancée. Would you please put her purchase on this card?"

"Edward, stop it. I'm paying for this," Bella actually hissed at me before glancing around to make sure we were still the only ones in the shop.

The sales girl was so entranced with me she took the card and automatically swiped it through the reader and handed it back to me, completely under my spell. She didn't want to tear her eyes away from me. I felt Bella stiffen and she let out a short puff of breath which I greedily inhaled; heavenly.

She looked up at me with narrowed eyes, still annoyed. If she thought I was going to let her spend her money on me she was sadly mistaken. She had insisted on working at Newton's for a pittance of what she was worth, and I wasn't about to let her spend that hard earned salary on me. I wanted her to use that money on herself, to buy the books and things she wouldn't let me buy for her. I knew she needed to feel independent, but she should fulfill her needs first; as long as I had her I didn't need anything else, although I was delighted that she _wanted_ to get me a present.

I quickly signed the charge slip the poor dazed girl slid across the counter for me. I never stopped searching Bella's face for a sign she was softening toward me. So far none was forthcoming. She was still angry. The fire in her eyes and glow on her cheeks just made her that much more attractive.

"Edward, I have money. You can't pay for this. It's not a gift from me if you pay for it."

Was that what was bothering her? Money again. This was so silly. I would show her the error of her ways.

"I accept your premise but I reject your conclusion," I said lightly.

"What are you talking about?" The confused look on her face was delightful; she looked so pure and innocent.

"You found it, you chose it, and you will give it to me. How is that not a gift?"

"Because you paid for it," Bella protested.

"It's the thought that counts. Believe me, I know that better than anyone," I said, smiling at her determination to get a present for me. In this little scheme she had the most noble of motives, even if her execution was somewhat faulty. She was all the gift I would ever need.

I watched as she capitulated, roughly putting the cash back into her purse. She sighed and slowly pushed a strand of her long, silky hair behind her ear, her engagement ring sparkling under the overhead spotlights in the store. Then she placed her left hand down on the counter under the salesgirl's nose. Bella was jealous. Completely misplaced, but I found it adorable.

The sales girl knew she was defeated as she gazed at the antique diamond ring I had persuaded Bella to wear and she handed the bag with my watch in it to Bella, saying, "You are a very lucky girl. Thank you and have a nice day."

"This is not over," Bella whispered to me in an attempt to intimidate me. If she only knew how tantalizing I found her when she was like this.

"I hope not," I retorted, and before she could move I smiled at the salesgirl again, saying, "Excuse me, could you please show us that ring," pointing at a silver ring with two hands clasped together.

I knew the origin of this ring; it had been forged of iron in ancient Rome and signified a commitment between two people in love. Worn on the right hand it meant a girl was betrothed and on the left, married. The design had migrated to Ireland with the conquering Roman army and was used there as a token of the faith that a couple would marry. Decades of reading left me with more information on cultural phenomenon than a Masters Degree would have and I was grateful for that now.

"Certainly," the girl replied hopefully, thinking she might have another crack at me. She was delusional, but I still had to be thankful her very presence had deterred that maniac from acting on his evil impulses. "This was part of a Celtic exhibit we had a couple of months ago. It's actually made of three narrow bands that are hinged and it opens up so you can see a heart underneath the two hands."

"Do you like it, Bella?" I used my voice as I sought to lull her into a receptive mood, not an easy task given her penchant for refusing presents, especially jewelry.

She stared at the ring, frowning but not making a reply. Well, at least it wasn't an outright rejection. I decided to endeavor to be even more persuasive as I leaned over and gently took the ring box from the sales girl.

"Would you try it on?" _Please? For me? _I hoped she could hear the love and adoration in my tone.

"I guess so," she said reluctantly. That was all I needed. I took her right hand in mine, feeling the familiar spark, and easily slipped the ring on her third finger; good practice for our upcoming wedding. It fit perfectly.

"You know you already have my heart, but this could be a sweet reminder," I whispered in her ear, and felt her shiver in response. "I would put a ring on every finger if you would let me."

She appeared to be deep in thought, contemplating the ring I had just slipped on her delicate finger. Did she enjoy torturing me like this or was she unconscious of what this silent internal deliberation did to me? She was teaching me patience whether I wanted to learn it or not.

Then I saw her eyes flicker in excitement and she asked the salesgirl, "Does this ring come in larger sizes?"

"Yes, I think we have a few left," the girl replied, disappearing under the counter for a moment. She stood up and put three ring boxes on the counter.

"Would you wear this ring?" Bella asked, looking up at me with hope and something else indefinable in her twinkling brown eyes.

"I am rather hard on jewelry, Bella… but I could try if it would make you happy," I responded, opening the box with the ring in my size.

She quickly reached out and plucked the ring out of the box. I had to steady myself as I realized what she was about to do. It had been so easy for me to slip this ring on her finger, but now the thought of her doing the same for me was unnerving. She was so easy to love but I still found it difficult to believe I deserved her love in return. I tried hard not to tremble when she took my left hand in hers.

She slipped the ring on my wedding ring finger. Oh, how I wished this was our wedding day. Making her my wife and ensuring our future together was almost all I could think about now, especially after this narrow escape she had just endured.

"It might be a good idea for you to wear this until the wedding," she murmured.

"Why is that?" I kept my voice light, not wanting to betray the deep emotion she stirred in me.

"It kind of looks like a wedding ring and I need all the help I can get where you're concerned," she whispered, glancing at the sales girl who was still staring at me.

I had to laugh. If she only knew how little she had to worry about other women where I was concerned. No one even came close to her; they might as well have been invisible for all the notice I took of them. Wild horses couldn't drag me away from Bella. Nothing could, and yet she thought she needed to mark me as hers. I was elated.

I handed my credit card to the still dazzled girl and said, "We will take both rings."

This brought on another round of protests from Bella. "Wait. Edward, let me pay for yours. I'm still trying to get you a gift."

I nodded at the girl to go ahead and said to my fiancee, "Bella, when will you learn… it is a gift when you let me spoil you."

"I said no extra gifts this weekend; it was part of our deal," she reminded me.

"You already agreed to accept this ring," I objected.

"Yes, but I didn't agree to let you pay for your own gifts," she argued.

"I do not recall any prohibition against me buying something for myself," I said, pointing out the loophole in our agreement as I signed the charge slip.

"Thank you so much for allowing me to help you," the sales girl gushed, leaning over the counter to retrieve the charge slip and get a little closer to me.

I felt Bella grow rigid as she cast a black look at the girl and raised one eyebrow. She was getting territorial about me. I was startled as she grabbed a fistful of my shirt and pulled me down to her level. She slid her other hand around my neck and said, "Yes, thank you, Edward," before reaching up to give me a big kiss.

This was my Bella, my one and only love. I wrapped my arms around her back and relaxed into the kiss, returning it with enthusiasm. I slid my hands down to rest at her waist as I reluctantly pulled my lips away from hers and whispered, "Bella, let's continue this somewhere not so public."

"Fine with me," she said, picking up the water bottle from the counter and turning away from the envious girl without so much as a backward glance.

I kept one arm around her waist and started toward the exit.

"Oh, wait. I really do need a human moment; it was just a ruse, earlier. So much for my cunning plan."

I made no immediate reply but turned and started escorting her back to the Ladies Room. She was still annoyed with me for spoiling her surprise. If she only knew what that little effort almost wrought. Our futures could have been forever changed, just when we were so close to getting everything we wanted. I would have to speak with her about this eventually.

"Bella, I am very pleased that you found something you think I will like as a surprise. That is all that matters; that you were thinking of me."

"I'm always thinking of you, Edward. Don't you know that?"

It was impossible to be upset with her for very long, even when she put her own life at risk. "You are always in my thoughts too, Bella."

We had arrived at the restroom "I'll be right back," she said, handing me the water bottle as I took up my spot as sentinel, leaning against the wall opposite the door. From my previous visit I knew that was the only entrance and exit. I didn't have any worries there, although it was beginning to seem that there wasn't a moment in the day when I could be unconcerned about her welfare.

This thoughtless escapade of hers was enough to serve as a wake up call of sorts, for me. Somehow I had thought getting her away on a vacation would be a stress reliever, not a stress producer. Still, she seemed relatively unfazed by the whole experience. I wanted Bella to maintain her innocence but she had to be made aware of some harsh realities for her own protection. I couldn't run the risk of her trying to do something like this again.

I idly turned the new ring on my finger, thinking about our upcoming wedding. If only I could keep her safe until that day. I would have to return her to Charlie when we went back to Forks, and I hated to think of spending even a moment of the next few weeks away from her. I was enjoying the freedom of being with her around the clock, with no interruptions from family or obligations, and knew it would make leaving her at Charlie's even more difficult.

I looked up as Bella reappeared and saw her break into a smile. She was so lovely, so effortlessly charming. She was also missing something.

"What happened to my present?" I asked, thinking she might have set it down in the restroom and forgotten to retrieve it.

"That's for me to know and you to find out, and that's what happens when you spoil a surprise," she said with the air of someone who was determined to teach me a lesson.

She must have hidden the watch in her purse and decided not to give it to me after all. I was a bit disappointed; it could no longer be a surprise so what was the point of not giving it to me now? I wondered if after a hundred years with her I would be any better able to understand how her mind worked.

I took her hand and we started walking toward the exit and out to the sidewalk. We walked for a minute in silence. I tried to calculate how long she was going to punish me for rescuing her; it was truly ludicrous, but I wanted to postpone the inevitable discussion of her disregarding her own safety for as long as possible. I decided to delicately test the waters.

"You are not really mad are you?" I asked gently.

"I wish you would have let me pay for your gift. I can afford it."

So this really was about my paying for the watch; how utterly absurd. "I have told you that money is meaningless. It _is_ the thought that counts."

Bella instantly began to protest. "But it makes me feel like I don't measure up, because I will never be your equal when it comes to money, and …"

Surely she couldn't believe that, it was pure nonsense. "I am very sorry, I never meant to make you feel like that. That did not occur to me because I always think of you as being so superior to me in every way. Just being with you is the greatest gift, and if I spent ten million dollars on you it would not be enough to show how much I care."

I could have easily said a hundred million dollars, but I didn't think she would actually grasp that figure. Vast sums of money had a way of being hard to comprehend. Her value was beyond measuring, anyway. I only wanted to convince her that my love for her wasn't dependent on anything she could ever buy for me. Her acceptance of me, and her mere presence at my side meant more to me than all the money in the world.

We had been walking through the Park toward the car but Bella seemed to be lost in thought, and as usual, I had no clue as to what had so absorbed her. Her face wasn't offering any indication of her brain activity. We reached the SUV in the lot next to the museum and I opened the door and helped her into the passenger seat.

Remembering she had requested a bottle of water but never drank it, once she was settled, I handed it to her. She grasped it momentarily and then let it slip into her lap. Before I could move she reached up and put her arms around my neck. Her heart fluttered and she suddenly seemed to be shaken; perhaps she was having a delayed reaction to the unpleasantness in the gift shop.

The warmth radiating from her was impossible to ignore and I felt myself being drawn to her like a moth to a flame. I leaned in, putting my hands on her tiny waist, hoping to offer her some comfort. I was aching to hold her anyway, regretting my stupidity at leaving her alone in the museum for even a moment. I brought my face close so that her eyes were level with mine. I waited to see what she needed of me.

"You don't ever have to buy anything to prove how much you love me, Edward. So, if I follow that logic, I guess it isn't really important for me to pay for something to prove how much I love you, either. I sometimes feel like the differences between us are so great, I'm just not good enough for you. I love you too much to ever let you go, though."

She had to be the sweetest girl in the world, and I, the luckiest man. I was thrilled she was acknowledging that money would not define our relationship but disturbed that she would ever think she wasn't good enough for me. It was her vow that she loved me too much to ever let me go that sent me sailing over the edge.

I slid my arms around her back, pulling her closer to me. I quickly pressed my cold, hard mouth to her warm, soft one, thinking only of how much I never wanted to let her go. As my lips moved against hers I was overwhelmed by my need and desire for her.

I wrapped my left arm completely around her and rested my hand on her waist, bringing my other hand up to caress her smooth, delicate cheek. I craved this kind of contact with her, and Bella responded by pressing herself against me, trying to mold her soft curves to fit the hard planes of my body and the friction she created doing this set me on fire.

Her hands on either side of my neck set off the lightening in my veins, making me feel alive again. I deepened our kiss and I could tell she was surprised, but not unpleasantly so, as she dug her fingers into my shoulders in return. I could barely feel the pressure but I knew she was attempting to indicate her desire for me, which only spurred me on. Her heart was beating wildly and could feel it thumping against my chest.

Her fervent response unlocked something inside of me, something I usually tried to suppress out of regard for her fragile state. My resistance was crumbling. The thought of how close I came to losing her, how we might never have been able to touch and hold each other like this again made me desperately cling to her and pour all of my passion into this kiss.

My hand traveled up her side until my fingertips brushed against her breast. Her ripe, succulent lips called to me, whispering their sweet song. I was finding it difficult to contain my excitement; hell, I didn't want to contain it any longer. I wanted to convey to her the depth of the feelings she inspired in me. Bella needed to understand just how much I loved and desired her.

My lips moved against hers hungrily and with more purpose. My tongue darted out and flicked against her delicious upper lip. She parted her lips and I didn't hesitate to stroke my tongue against hers, tasting Bella's warm, moist mouth, so soft and smooth, the purest ambrosia. She responded, pulling my tongue even deeper into her mouth. There was no other sensation like this, sending waves of pleasure through me. I could stay locked in this embrace with her for eternity. The temptation of her body far outweighed the temptation of her blood for me now.

Her legs were parted, unconsciously I suspected, and I slid my knee up to the seat between them, until I gently made contact; she reacted immediately, arching her back, moving herself closer to me. The love I felt for her was overwhelming and my hunger for her body flamed even more. I held my body against hers, pressing her against the seat, constantly monitoring my strength so as not to hurt her. I remembered how she told me she liked this feeling; it made her happy and safe. It did much more than that for me. I had to fight hard to resist the urge to shred the pesky clothing covering her all too alluring body. I wished I could push the button to recline the seat and ravish her right this minute.

I sheathed my venom-coated teeth with my lips and pulled her bottom lip between mine, gently sucking on it with increased passion as she tightened the hold she had on my hair, letting me feel her desire for me. I slid my tongue across her tender lips and she made a small sound in the back of her throat and ran one hand down the back of my neck and under my collar, making my skin tingle from her touch. Pleasure filled me like a warm mist; this feeling was all too unfamiliar and I could not wait for the time when it became the norm.

All my senses were reeling and I felt her body tremble under mine. I reluctantly tore my mouth away from hers as she gasped for breath. I didn't loosen my hold on her though; I wanted to prolong this gratifying contact for as long as possible. I pushed the hair away from her neck and buried my face in the soft, tender flesh of her throat, panting and inhaling in her scent. I was intoxicated and continued to cling to her, not wanting this moment to end but knowing it must.

"Bella, you are so far above me I will never be your equal. What can I do to make you understand that?" I murmured against her neck, unable and unwilling to tear my lips away from her fragrant, heated skin. Her heart was still beating like a hummingbird's wings and the pulse under my lips throbbed accordingly. She was the only woman in the world who could make me feel weak with desire.

She moved her hand up to my hair and ran her wicked little fingers through it, encouraging me to kiss my way down the long, lovely column of her neck to her shoulder. I would have liked to have gone even lower but I was somewhat aware we were in the parking lot of a pubic park and I had already gone too far for proprieties sake, although thankfully there was no one around us. I couldn't force myself to care very much as this point anyway. Contemplating the loss of the person you loved more than anything had a way of doing that to you.

Bella seemed to be struggling to say something. My lips paused in their exploration of her shoulder for a moment.

"But I want us to be equals, Edward," she said faintly.

I raised my face and looked into the clear depths of her eyes again. As much as I dreaded the day when we were equals, I hoped the expansion of our physical relationship would be worth it for her. She was giving up so much to be with me, I would spend every day of forever striving to make sure she didn't regret it.

"We can be equal partners in our marriage, Bella, but you will always be so much better than me it's immeasurable."

She sighed but it didn't seem to be from disappointment. She looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, "We're just going to have to agree to disagree on that, Edward."

My angel was being so reasonable I decided to press my luck. "Does that mean I am forgiven?"

"Yes, I guess so," she said, still playing with my hair, which did nothing to calm me down.

I slowly pulled my knee away from her and languidly began to disentangle myself from her wholly too enticing body. When my foot touched the ground I took a step and stumbled slightly; she was literally knocking me off my feet. I gripped the door frame to steady myself and smiled at her. She had no idea of the effect she had on me.

"So do I get my surprise now?" I was attempting to channel the excitement I felt for her into something more socially acceptable at the moment.

She looked as if she were tempted to give in but struggled against that impulse. A look of resolve came over her refined features and she set her jaw stubbornly. I was not going to get a reprieve.

"Not just yet. I want you to think about how you need to give me the chance to do things for you. Our relationship is not just a one way street."

"You already give me so much, Bella. This weekend trip is like a dream come true."

"I agree with you about that. I'm having a wonderful time."

My cue to make that time a bit less wonderful, but it must be done, for your own good, you bewitching, fragile creature. "I am glad to hear it, but there is something unpleasant we need to discuss before we go any further," I began, injecting a new, serious tone in my voice.

"What?" she gulped, her dark, mysterious eyes searching my face.

I reluctantly released my hold on her and straightened up, stepping back and closing the car door. I slowly walked in front of the car to slip in behind the wheel. I wanted to make sure she understood I wasn't angry with her, I was angry because of the situation. It wasn't her fault, but I could not let her remain blithely unaware of the danger she had been in; it was imperative that she be more careful in the future.

I picked up both her tiny hands and held them in mine while I gazed at her, wondering how to begin this unpleasant task. She already looked nervous and I could smell the adrenaline start to flow in her veins. Bella could be pursued by a madman and show no fear, but just the slightest word from me set her off. I was doubtful that I would ever completely comprehend how her brain worked.

As gently as I could I began to speak. "I understand that you were only trying to surprise me, but do you have any idea what I went through when I arrived back at the restroom and found you missing?"

Bella gave a dismissive shake of her head as if what I had just said was meaningless. Her movement caused her scent to assault me and I exhaled, trying to remain focused; her very being was such a distraction.

Using a very casual tone she said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I could buy your gift before you got back. You're just too speedy, Edward."

She continued to make light of the situation; I would have to be direct. "No, Bella, you are not grasping the problem. I had already warned you about that disgusting deviant; he had been following you since we entered the building. I told you he was dangerous. I only agreed to leave you at the restroom because I knew he was outside smoking. I thought you would be safe for a few minutes and I trusted you," I explained, taking a more stern tone and giving her a hard look.

I could tell I was finally starting to make an impression. Her brow creased and she chewed her lip thoughtfully but made no response.

"Evidently as soon as I entered the Café to get your water he came back in the museum and started looking for you. I thought you would be safe in the Ladies Room. Imagine my abject panic when I arrived and found you gone. I went in there looking for you," I told her, a matching frown on my face, "and I was ready to tear that museum apart to find you."

"Oh, I am sorry, Edward, I just didn't think—"

"Yes, Bella, that is exactly the problem. You don't give your own safety the proper consideration. This danger magnet business is not funny; you seem to attract the worst kind of predators. You have a propensity for rushing headlong into situations that put you in peril. I had hoped that you had somewhat conquered that particular trait but after what you just did, I see that it was too much to hope for," I said with a sigh, hoping to convey my disappointment in her behavior.

"I'm sorry, Edward, but nothing terrible happened. I can be on my own for five minutes. I was in a public place after all, and although that man did find me, he only tried to get my attention, and he failed at that," she said, sounding defensive. "It wasn't such a big deal," she concluded, evidently annoyed by my lecture. She pulled her hands away from mine and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

I crossed my arms over my chest, already aching for the loss of her touch. This was torturous. She just wasn't comprehending the danger. She refused to listen to reason. She had put her life at risk and still did not realize it. I knew she could be stubborn, but this was ridiculous. She was going to force me into being blunt with her; I debated with myself over exactly how much to tell her. I hated to do it, but if it were the only way she would understand just how serious the situation had been, I would do it.

"Bella, he had an aerosol drug in his pocket that would have made you unconscious in a matter of seconds. He was trying to get close enough to you so that you would inhale it and he could then have kidnapped you. No one would have stopped him. It would have all happened very quickly. If I hadn't found you when I did, I could have lost you forever," I said, unable to hide my anguish at this thought.

From the look of shock on her face I knew I had finally said something that made an impression. She looked horrified as the enormity of what almost happened sunk in.

"Did you know about this from when we first saw him?" She asked, her voice rising in a controlled panic, along with the throbbing vein at the base of her throat.

"Not his whole plan, but I told you he was dangerous, criminal. Young girls, art students, come here alone to study and sketch, and he is lying in wait for them. I warned you about him but you seem to have no sense of self preservation," I said, a note of resentment creeping into my voice. How could she put herself at risk like that? "You must be more careful. I could not go on without you, Bella."

"Why didn't you tell me just how dangerous he was?" she asked in an accusatory manner.

Great. Now she was going to be angry with me for endeavoring to protect her from knowing about the terrors that lurked around her. She wanted the truth, but I could not bring myself to tell her the whole truth; it was too ugly. I was not about to detail all the grotesque things that fiend wanted to do to her.

"Because I do not want to be the one to open your eyes to how horrible people can be. I have seen things like this for decades and I want to protect you from anything unpleasant. I _did_ tell you he was dangerous. I did warn you. I should not have to elaborate."

I knew I was sounding harsh now, and I loathed myself for it, but she insisted on playing with fire and one day I was afraid she was going to get burned. If I could not open her eyes to the way she nonchalantly sailed through her life, disregarding the danger signals and my warnings, I feared I would lose her forever.

Bella turned away from me and looked down at the floor. Her long, silky hair fell forward, forming a curtain between us. I knew I had wounded her and wanted nothing more than to gather her in my arms and cling to her like the lifeline she was. I longed to kiss her gently until she felt safe again and make her believe that I would always be there to keep the dangers at bay.

I kept myself still, as painful as it was not to be touching her. I didn't want to force the next step on her. If she needed time to process this startling information I would give it to her and not react until she let me know what she was thinking, as frustrating as it was for me.

I hoped in these moments of silence she was beginning to understand that I would cease to exist without her. If anything happened to Bella, Alice would be shattered and Jasper would have his hands full putting her back together. Esme, well, Esme didn't bear thinking about. She could not stand to lose another child, and she had become especially fond of Bella, accepting her as my mate even before I did.

I couldn't restrain myself any longer. I had to touch her, let her know I was here for her. I reached over and grazed her cheek with my fingertips and she shuddered in response. I hoped it wasn't from the coldness that shrouded my body.

I was compelled to help her understand her place in our family. "Bella, you are too careless with your life. You do not seem to understand how valuable you are; not only would I be lost without you, but Alice and the whole family would be irreparably broken. Carlisle and Esme already love you like you were their own daughter."

She nodded her head but still remained silent. I had given her time to think and it was driving me insane that she still would not respond. Had I pushed her too far? Was she regretting her choice to come on this trip, to be with me at all? Or was this mute withdrawal simply a reaction to my information about how close that maniac came to ruining all of our lives? I chose to believe the latter option, as the previous ones were too devastating to contemplate for more than a moment. If she wasn't ready to speak, perhaps I should try again to make her see why she needed to make better choices about her safety.

"You are always so concerned about making other people around you happy that you neglect your own needs and seem to be unaware of just how precarious your hold on life is. You are so sweet and innocent; I do not want you to become hardened but you are very fragile and I am so afraid of losing you," I said softly, remembering those months of exile when I knew I had lost her. I could not go through that again.

Her heart rate increased and I could see she was making a valiant effort to keep from crying. Tears glistened on the surface of her lovely brown eyes as she turned toward me and finally spoke. I held my breath waiting to hear the verdict on our future.

"You're right," she said, barely able to get the words out of her mouth. "I was so busy trying to get a surprise for you I completely forgot about everything else. I was so proud of myself for fooling you," she admitted, tears so close to falling from her sparkling eyes.

That was more than enough for me. I leaned across the console and scooped her into my arms, holding her against my chest, kissing the top of her head and rubbing my hand across her back. "Please don't cry, Bella. I don't want to hurt your feelings I just want you to understand how important you are and how you must be more careful," I begged her.

The pounding of her heart, beating strongly against my chest, combined with inhaling the scent wafting from her hair immediately calmed my fears. I could tell she was glad to be so close as she relaxed against me, placing her hot little hands around my neck, sending a thrill vibrating through me to my cold, still heart.

She struggled to compose herself and presently began to speak in her soft, melodic voice.

"I will try to be more aware, Edward. I didn't realize… can you forgive me?"

Finally, a breakthrough of sorts; if she would just _try_ to be a bit more aware that would be a step in the right direction.

"Of course, my love. I'm just upset because I try to be there for you every moment and the minute I leave you alone, something like this happens," I tried to reassure her as I began to place kisses on her temple, relishing the feel and taste of her delicious skin under my lips.

She was trembling in my arms, still upset, tears threatening to rain down her lovely pink cheeks. I watched intently as her lovely white teeth peeked out of her voluptuous mouth as she bit down on her full bottom lip, evidently in an attempt to keep herself from crying. What torment. How I longed to take complete possession of those lips, taste them, and yes, bite them. That day was looming but sometimes, against all reason, I felt it couldn't get here soon enough. This was definitely one of those times. I couldn't resist letting her know exactly how I was feeling.

"Bella, stop biting your lip; that is going to be my job in the very near future," I said truthfully, as I kissed my way across her cheek.

She seemed pleased with this announcement as she closed her eyes and brought her face closer to mine. I regarded her long, thick eyelashes resting on her flushed cheeks with admiration; she was as unaware of her true beauty as she was of the peril awaiting her, seemingly around every corner.

She wanted me to kiss her. This never failed to delight me; the mere fact that she welcomed my cold lips on hers. The heat radiating from her lips was astonishing as we came together, sending a spark that ignited my heart and set my whole body aflame. Her fingers moved up from my neck, winding my unruly hair firmly in her grasp, tugging me even closer to her. Everything she did felt as if she were perfectly designed to drive me wild. I was determined to remain in control though, and tried firmly but gently to slow our kisses into something pleasurable but not over stimulating.

In another of her never ending surprises she parted her lips and her soft, warm tongue moved against my mouth, tracing the shape of first my upper lip and then my lower. A chain reaction of all sorts of pleasurable sensations was unleashed inside my body. I couldn't remain in control much longer if she was going to do that. I knew what would come next and this was neither the time nor the place.

I had to stop this now, while I still could. I let a small growl escape my lips as I pulled away and watched her eyes fly open in surprise.

"Keeping you barefoot in a cabin in the woods is looking more and more appealing," I mused aloud, wishing we were in that cabin at this very moment, and that our feet were not the only parts of our bodies that were free of clothing.

She smiled broadly. "I won't object to that all at, Edward. I think it sounds like a great idea, and it has a lot of side benefits, too. Alice couldn't take me shopping or do makeovers on me."

Again I was surprised by where her mind went; she thought she had found a new way to escape my sister's compulsion with improving Bella's fashion sense. I personally couldn't wait for the moment when clothing would become unnecessary and in fact, completely useless. That would be a very happy day, indeed.

"I don't know if anything can prevent that," I chuckled, leaning in to kiss her one more time. I tried to make this kiss slow, long, and sweet, a fitting conclusion to our new understanding of her value and importance. I adored her and I wanted her to know that above all else. I would do anything to keep her safe, and I only wanted to opportunity to show her how much she meant to me. That didn't seem like too much to ask, but fate never seemed to be on our side.

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**AN:** **Time to hit that Submit Review button and let me know what you thought about Edward's version of the event.  
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**If you want to see the watch Bella buys for Edward, click on the link on my Profile page. It really is a cool watch and is sold in museum gift shops. I added a photo of the ring with hands clasped over a heart in the Photo Album, link also on my Profile page. I have also set up an area on the Twilighted d o t net website where readers can discuss Blue Moon or anything about Twilight. Link is also on my Profile page.  
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**My beta, Ranma15177, has won the runner up prize for her story, **_**Escaping Sol**_**, for Best Action/Adventure fiction, the **_**Race Through Volterra Award.**_** If you aren't already reading it I suggest you start now. She is also just adding a new chapter to her story of Carlisle and Esme's early years together, Making A Home. There is a link in my Favorite Stories list that will take you there instantly.**

**I'd like to express gratitude to my other beta, not done baking, a wonderful writer herself, for the valuable contributions she has made to this story.**


	28. Blood, Love, and Rhetoric

**AN: New readers are finding this story through your Favorite Story Lists. So if you like this chapter and you haven't already put Blue Moon on your Favorites list, I would appreciate you doing so. There are thousands of stories on this site, and that's the easiest way to spread the word. Thanks for all your support and reviews, I really appreciate it.**

**_This chapter has a lot going on in it, so trust me and just keep reading. It's still Saturday afternoon, and Edward and Bella are in the parking lot, concluding their discussion of her safety._**

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**Chapter 28: _Blood, Love, and Rhetoric_**

"Edward, why didn't Alice see that creep and warn us about him?" I asked as I was being held snugly against Edward's chest, still inside the SUV in the parking lot of the museum in Golden Gate Park.

"I have been thinking about that," he said as he played with a loose strand of my hair, winding and unwinding it around one of his long, slender fingers. "When we talked to her this morning, he had not seen you, so she couldn't have known. Then you refused to see him as a threat—"

"I'm sorry," I interrupted him before he could point out any more of my deficiencies. I sat up a bit and continued, "When you first told me about him I just figured I was going to be with you the whole time so it didn't make any difference. I knew you weren't going to let him do anything to me. Then he disappeared and by the time we got to the gift shop I was so busy trying to figure out how to surprise you, I just forgot all about him."

Disapproval was all over his handsome face.

"I won't make that mistake again, Edward. I've learned my lesson," I tried to reassure him.

"I certainly hope so; I know I've learned a lesson as well," he said humbly, and he kissed my forehead. "Alice may have finally had a vision just as I found you, and by then, there was no point in calling me about it. I told her to let us have some privacy this weekend, and she seems to be respecting that request."

"I guess we should be happy about that," I said, thinking of the recent passionate kisses we'd just shared; Alice didn't need to see that, although I was quite pleased with the progress we were making. I didn't set out to deliberately endanger my life, but if that kiss was the response Edward was going to have when I did, at least that made it worthwhile. My body was still humming with a tingling feeling that ran from my head to my toes. "What's the next stop on our whirlwind tour?"

"Is there any place special you would like to go?"

"Let me think for a minute." I moved my hands from around his neck and ran them down the smooth planes of his chest. He let go of me, taking my hand as I leaned back in my seat.

"We've already seen the Embarcadero and the museum; I know Union Square has the big department stores, but I'm not really interested in shopping. I'm sure you know San Francisco better than I do. What do you suggest?"

"Would you like to catch a matinee at the American Conservatory Theater?"

"What's playing there?"

"_Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead_," he replied.

"Oh, I love that play. Do you think we can get tickets?" I asked excitedly.

"They're holding a pair at the box office," he said smoothly, as he started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

I barely had time to be surprised before he navigated through the traffic around Union Square and pulled into a large parking structure, driving up to the second floor to find a vacant space. He reached into the back seat and picked up the black cashmere sweater coat and suggested I put it on before we walked to the theater.

Alice must have had a ball choosing these clothes, I thought as he helped me into the coat. They were much more stylish than anything hanging in my closet. The coat had a shawl collar and the sleeves came just below my elbow; I found a pair of black leather gloves in the pocket.

We walked a short distance to the theater and a chill wind made me glad to have the coat. I put on the gloves, too, and Edward put his arm around my shoulder to make sure I didn't fall on the uneven pavement.

"It got cold all of a sudden, didn't it?" I rubbed my gloved hands together.

"You know what Mark Twain said," Edward remarked. I must have looked clueless because he continued, "The coldest winter I ever spent was one summer in San Francisco."

He picked up the tickets at the box office and we were ushered to aisle seats in the fifth row just minutes before the curtain went up. Edward took a seat and held the chair on the aisle for me. I sat down and took my gloves off, putting them back in the coat pockets. He picked up my right hand and lightly kissed it before lacing his fingers in mine.

Tom Stoppard was my favorite living playwright, and I had seen the play when I lived in Phoenix. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are two boyhood friends of Hamlet's who have been called to court by the new King to determine why Hamlet is acting so strangely. The dark comedy is actually Hamlet told from the point of view of these two minor characters. The two spend most of their time trying to work out the key questions in life: where did we come from and why are we here? In one wonderful moment, Rosencrantz consulted the Cliff Notes version of _Hamlet_ to find his lines.

The two are not only unable to control their own lives, they do not even begin to understand what is happening to them. They struggle with the questions of fate and chance, and that made me think about all the strange twists and turns my life had taken since I moved to Forks.

At one point, the Player said: "Give us this day our daily mask," and I immediately thought of Edward, and how he always wore a mask when around humans. Well, all humans except for me. How tiring that must be. No wonder he appreciated the ability to be himself around me. I guessed I would know what that was like soon enough.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern decide to put on a play and they are told they can do plays of the "blood, love, and rhetoric school." At that point, Edward let go of my hand and put his arm around my shoulder, drawing me a bit closer to him. The actor went on, saying, "I can do you blood and love without the rhetoric, and I can do you blood and rhetoric with the love, and I can do you all three concurrent or consecutive, but I can't do you love and rhetoric with the blood. Blood is compulsory—they're all blood, you see."

I glanced up at Edward and he smiled at me, his strong, white teeth gleaming in the reflected light from the stage. The fact that I was watching a play about characters caught up in a destiny not of their own creation, unable to die, condemned to repeat the same life over and over, with blood being an essential component, while sitting next to a vampire, was not lost on me. I suddenly saw Rosencrantz and Guildenstern as vampires, and that put the play in a whole different light.

Guildenstern made a remark in Act II that reminded me of the Dali paintings we had just viewed. He says, "A Chinaman of the T'ang Dynasty, and, by which definition, a philosopher, dreamed he was a butterfly. From that moment he was never quite sure that he was not a butterfly dreaming it was a Chinese philosopher. Envy him in his two-fold security." That made me wonder about how I often thought Edward was just someone I had dreamed up; he was too perfect to be real. Was I living a dream or was my reality made up of mythological creatures?

During intermission Edward escorted me to the Ladies Room and again stood guard outside the door. When I came out he asked me how I was enjoying the play.

"I love all the intricate, rapid-fire word play. Sometimes it reminds me of that Abbott and Costello routine, Who's on first?"

He nodded, smiling. "It is the finest theater of the absurd. Stoppard is a genius. The play debuted in 1967 and Alice and I quite enjoyed it back then. It's too difficult for Jasper to go to the theater, but he has seen the film version at home and liked it very much."

Then a horrible thought occurred to me. "Edward, isn't it hard for you to be in a theater like this with all these people? I mean, hearing all their thoughts?" It would be just like him to put himself through an ordeal like that just to please me. "Can you enjoy the play at all? Should we leave now?"

"Bella, I am enjoying the play because I can tell you are enjoying it. I am also playing a little game. I am familiar with the play, so I have been concentrating on reading the minds of the actors. I am doing a good job of tuning out the audience and just focusing on the people on stage. It is quite amusing."

"Why, what are they thinking about?"

"Rosencrantz is primarily thinking about what he's going to have for dinner tonight and Guildenstern is annoyed because he wasn't nominated for a Tony Award this year."

"How can they think things like that and still say all their lines correctly?"

"Well, they certainly aren't method actors, are they? The human mind works in mysterious ways," he said enigmatically.

"You probably know that better than anyone," I replied as he ushered us back to our seats.

In the third act, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern sense their inevitable deaths are close at hand. Yet none of this dampened our ability to laugh heartily at them. One of the last lines of the play suggests that these two characters have played out their drama many times before and will keep doing so into eternity. Right at the end they say, "We'll know better next time," and they are not executed as we are led to believe they will be, they simply vanish.

Sitting in the darkened theater with Edward I couldn't help but draw parallels between the existential themes in the play and the philosophical struggles Edward had with being a vampire. His was an existence I was literally dying to become a part of, and I began to wonder if this whole trip wasn't designed to discourage me from that inevitability.

I had been shocked when I saw his portrait from 1940 at the museum, and now he had brought me to a play where the characters are trapped in an existence they can't escape from, wearing masks and condemned to live the same life over and over. What was he trying to tell me? Did he still think I would choose to remain human? He had to know that wasn't possible. Was he just trying to give me a glimpse into my future?

Whatever his reasons, I was lost in thought as we walked out of the theater, arm in arm. We had only taken a few steps when an elderly man in shabby, dirty clothing came lurching out of a small alleyway on my right, coughing loudly.

Before I knew what was happening Edward had grabbed me, held my head against his chest and whisked me off my feet. He started jogging down the sidewalk and turned right at the corner, the route back to the garage where we had left the car. I clutched the lapels of his black leather jacket and wondered what had possessed him. When he reached the middle of the block he sat me down and gave me a moment to regain my balance.

"Edward, what was that about? Why did you pick me up and run down the street like that?" I demanded, as soon I got my bearings.

"The man who lunged out of that alley, coughing, had tuberculosis. It's quite rampant among the homeless here in the city. I wanted to get you away from him as quickly as possible. It would be just my luck to bring you here for a fun weekend and expose you to tuberculosis," he concluded disparagingly, his eyes looking troubled.

I thought about the Spanish flu that was responsible for his perpetual 17-year old condition. "It would be my luck, too, Edward. I understand; but if anything like this happens again, I would appreciate a little notice before you sweep me off my feet. I thought we were being chased by townsfolk with pitchforks or something," I said, trying to provoke a smile.

"Silly Bella, I would not run away from a few pitchforks," he said confidently, his topaz eyes twinkling as he took my hand and started toward the garage. He smiled and said, "I have another surprise planned for you."

"You know I don't like surprises," I said reflexively.

"Well, you seem pretty happy with them so far," he observed.

I thought this over for a moment and then said, "Yes, you're on a winning streak with the surprises this weekend, but don't get used to it." That comment made him laugh and I beamed at him in return.

On the road again he glided smoothly through the downtown traffic and as we drove a short distance I noticed that the scenery looked familiar. We had returned to the tree-lined avenues of Golden Gate Park. Edward slid in a parking space that appeared as if by magic, and came around to open my door before I had the seat belt unbuckled.

"That creepy guy isn't still hanging around the Park, is he?" I asked, looking around nervously. Edward had seriously put the fear into me this morning and I vowed to be much more aware when I was out in public.

"No, he fled the park as fast as he could; he is seriously mentally ill, though. His mind was a horrible place to be; I think he has a condition called toxic brain syndrome. I tried not to listen to his thoughts… they were so chaotic and disjointed. You do not need to worry, I intend to make sure he doesn't harm anyone else."

"What are you going to do, Edward?" I quickly inquired, worried he was going to go after this guy as soon as I was asleep tonight.

"I was monitoring his thoughts the entire time we were in the museum, until he stepped outside to smoke. I was able to ascertain his name and his neighborhood. I have already contacted Jasper and filled him in; he is hiring a private detective to follow him around the clock until he tries something like that again, which probably will be fairly soon," he said, gently rubbing circles on my back.

"When did you talk to Jasper?"

"While you were in the Ladies Room at the theater. I am sure the surveillance has already begun; it won't be long before he is caught."

"What will happen then?"

"He will be arrested and it won't be his first offense. We will make sure he is prosecuted; he will probably end up in an institution. I cannot in good conscience just ignore a degenerate like that; after what he thought about doing to you, I do not want to see some other innocent young girl find herself in that situation."

I shivered and he wrapped his arm tighter around me. "Edward, you are an angel. At first I was afraid you were going to try to go after him yourself, but this is a much better idea."

"I'm far from being an angel, but I am glad you approve, Bella. I'm not leaving you to chase after vermin. I can hire someone to do that but watching over you is my job," he said, somewhat possessively.

Well, I couldn't complain about that, I didn't want him out of my sight either.

"Could you use a little refreshment, Bella?" he inquired as he helped me out of the SUV.

"What did you have in mind?"

He led me past a grouping of maples through a large set of wooden gates into the Japanese Garden. "Oh, this is beautiful, Edward," I exclaimed as the vista opened up before us. I opened my purse and took out the camera. I started taking pictures in every direction.

A large pond on the left held lily pads and lotus flowers, and I could see large orange and white koi fish swimming lazily. They were graceful and elegant as they swam, leaving a wake as they flicked their tails in the water. I took several pictures of them, finding them fascinating. I was moved to comment, "I'm surprised Esme has never put in a koi pond. They are so beautiful. Look at the patterns they make in the water. I think it would be great fun to watch them for hours."

"Maybe in our new home you could help Esme put in a Japanese garden with a koi pond," Edward suggested.

I looked up at him and found he had not been watching the fish, he had been watching me. "Our new home?" We had not actually discussed where we were going to live after the wedding.

"Well, we cannot stay where we are too much longer," he said, with a somewhat sad note in his velvet voice.

I decided to stay in the moment and returning my gaze to the koi I said, "I can't decide if I like the white one with the orange spot or the bright yellow one."

"We can get one of every color and then you won't have to choose."

"I don't want to be spoiled, Edward. It's not natural."

"It is natural for me to want to spoil you," he immediately responded.

That was hard to argue about, it did seem to come naturally to him, but he had to see that it was a mistake; that I didn't want to be spoiled.

"You could be creating a monster," I carefully suggested.

"Never. You deserve to be spoiled, and by someone who knows how."

"And that's you?"

"Of course, who else?" He looked slightly worried.

"I think you have me confused with Rosalie."

"That's impossible. You are nothing like her," he stated with complete confidence.

"Well I could be if you spoil me. I could get used to it, and take it for granted, and become demanding. Would you like to see that happen?"

"No, but you would never be that way. You don't have it in you."

"I don't have it in me to change my attitude about things? Oh, but I do. Look at this ring," I said, holding up my left hand. "I love this ring now, and I don't ever want to take it off. Did you notice how I flashed it at that salesgirl in the museum shop? It worked, too. She finally took her eyes away from you and told me I was a lucky girl. I already knew that, but if you spoil me with too many presents I could change. Think about that."

I watched as he ran his free hand through his already wind blown hair; he was magnificent. Not for the first time did I wonder how this handsome, brilliant, kind man fell in love with me. I gazed into his eyes and I could see he was thinking about what I said, processing different scenarios. He finally spoke. "What if we just got a nice selection of koi instead of one in every color?"

"That sounds much better," I said, trying not to let too much satisfaction creep into my voice. I was very pleased that he had considered my words and seen my point. We were making progress. I decided to do something I thought would make him happy. I handed him the camera and said, "Could you take a picture of the two of us with the koi pond in the background?"

"I would love to," he said as he put his arm around me and held the camera out in front of us.

After taking several pictures he gave me the camera again and we walked along the edge of the pond. Then we followed a path that wound through a small grove of maple trees and we didn't find the need to talk as we became absorbed in the peace and tranquility of the garden. Edward kept his arm around my waist and every few minutes he would lean in and give me a soft, sweet kiss that said more than any words could.

I couldn't help but think about all the kisses we had exchanged today and how happy I was that he could let his guard down and share more of his feelings with me than ever before. My doubts about his feelings for me had been eased with his words and actions this morning in the woods. I could tell he had been honest with me, and he was treating me as more of an equal, even though I was still the fragile human. I had messed up badly at the museum, ignoring his warnings, but he didn't seem to be holding that against me now, as he paused our stroll and kissed me again.

I knew my limits were still in place though, as his venom-coated teeth were strong and sharp enough to cut through steel if he wanted them to. Yet he was so gentle with me, and so protective. I had to admit, after being saved from a bobcat and a madman in one day, he had a right to be worried about me. I longed to be strong enough to protect him one day; he meant everything to me and the idea of losing him was simply unacceptable.

After meandering through the ethereal green sanctuary, I noticed on the right sat an elegantly simple Japanese teahouse. Edward was guiding me there, up a few steps, and since we were the only ones there, we easily chose a table with a view of the lovely garden spread out below us.

We sat down on a bench next to each other and Edward ordered tea for two. Almost instantly a woman in a colorful kimono brought a pot of tea, two cups, and a plate of assorted cookies and crackers.

"This feels like we're actually in Japan," I said, taking a bite out of an almond cookie. "Of course I've never been there, but it feels like what I imagine Japan would be like. Have you been there, Edward?"

He draped his arm around my shoulder and said, "Like all great travelers, I have seen more than I remember; and I remember more than I have seen. Yes, I've been to Japan several times, but only for brief visits. Alice likes the shopping in Tokyo," he explained. "Some of the gardens are like this one. I thought you would like it."

I sipped my hot tea and looked over the garden with its Moon Bridge and beautiful cherry tree branches standing out starkly against the late afternoon dark gray sky. There were very few people on the winding path and it was almost like we had the whole place to ourselves. We were the only two people seated in the teahouse.

I picked up the camera and took some pictures of the beauty surrounding us. I handed the camera to Edward and he instantly turned it on me. I shut my eyes, saying sarcastically, "You are getting some great photos of me; now stop it. I only want pictures of the two of us together."

I opened my eyes to see him smiling at me. I snuggled into his shoulder and he held his arm out, taking a picture of the two of us. Then he put the camera in his jacket pocket.

"This is very relaxing. So peaceful in the middle of the city," I marveled. I reached for a fortune cookie and glanced at Edward. He was watching me with a hint of a smile on his perfect lips.

I smiled and broke the cookie in half, pulling out the fortune. I read aloud: "You're a complex person and you can't be expected to process things the way that other, simpler types do."

"That could explain why I can't read your mind," Edward said, as if he had just made a scientific discovery.

"Now it's your turn; choose a cookie," I instructed him.

He picked one up and cracked it open dexterously with one hand. "Luckily, you have a multi-track mind that will let you ponder one thing while monitoring the other," he recited.

"You made that up," I accused. "It doesn't really say that, does it? Let me see it," I demanded.

He handed it to me and I saw that it was exactly as he read it. I looked up at him and had to laugh. "That's amazing. How many things are you pondering right now?" I asked.

"Just one. You. I'm always wondering what you're thinking," he replied.

"I'm thinking I'm the lucky one, to be here with you," I said, resting my head on his shoulder. He stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head.

"Did you know this is where the fortune cookie was invented?" he asked.

"Get out! You're kidding; here?" I said, surprised.

"Over a hundred years ago this garden used to belong to one family, before they turned it over to the city, but they never stopped taking care of the garden, and one of the garden's designers, Makoto, invented the fortune cookie here," he explained.

"That's so cool." Was there anything he didn't know? Well, he didn't know what I was thinking most of the time, I thought with relief. Maybe this would be a good time to share some of the thoughts I had been having as we were walking through the garden. "I've been thinking about our argument this morning in the woods and how it turned out to be a good thing; I'm amazed because I didn't think it would end so well."

"I would be fascinated to know what precipitated our little contretemps if you would care to enlighten me."

"Well, you should know, you started it," I retorted.

"How did I start it?" He sounded mystified.

"When you were kissing me, which was incredible by the way, you told me how much you enjoyed all my human qualities. My blush, my heartbeat, my warmth, my scent and I just got frightened that when I no longer had those qualities you wouldn't want me anymore."

"Bella, I do love all those things about you; how could I not? But you will still be the most alluring, beguiling creature I have ever encountered when you no longer blush."

"You can't tell me you're going to enjoy looking into my blood red eyes for a year," I challenged, finally dragging the last skeleton out of my soon-to-be vampire closet.

"Oh yes I can," he insisted.

I looked at him in disbelief.

"You will be even more beautiful then because every time I look into your eyes I will be reminded of how much you love me, of how much you sacrificed to be with me. I swear Bella, I will never give you a reason to doubt my love for you."

I had never thought of it like that. I would be a constant visual reminder of the choice I made in order to be with him.

"Besides, Bella, I do not love you just for the way you look, although you know I think you are beautiful. I love you because you are the only person I can truly be myself with… and you accept me exactly as I am. To me that means more than you could ever know."

He was wrong, I did know. "You accept me exactly as I am, too, Edward. Believe me, I know I'm not perfect and I've done things that hurt you and you always forgive me. You have a very big heart," I said, placing my hand on the middle of his chest, and wishing for his sake I could feel it beating there.

He placed his hand on top of mine and said, "Do you know the story about the man who went in search of a Zen master to debate the merits of Zen?"

"No, I don't think I'm familiar with that one," I smiled.

"Well, when he found one, the Zen master poured him a cup of tea, and purposely kept pouring so the tea ran over the cup and spilled onto the table. The man was startled and asked him what he was doing. The Zen master replied, 'You are like this cup, too full of your own opinions to receive anything else.'"

I picked up my teacup and took a sip.

He continued, "When you empty yourself of all your opinions, beliefs, fears, hopes, resentments and desires for just one moment, just let them all go, you empty your cup. Some call this emptiness nirvana -- attained by years of meditation."

"Must you really empty yourself of everything to achieve nirvana?" I asked skeptically, setting my teacup down on the table.

"All I can say from personal experience is that when you empty yourself of everything you are left empty. I cannot recommend it. I would suggest there's another path to attain a state of bliss: an eternity with you," he said gracefully.

I blushed and he brought my hand up to his lips and kissed my wrist. Then he took both my hands and held them in his. He suddenly looked very serious and I felt my heart skip a beat and I immediately began to worry.

"The Japanese have a saying: a man is whatever room he is in."

A frown slightly creased my brow. I looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to complete his thought.

"Right now, Edward Anthony Masen is in this room. You make me feel like I'm 17 again. Like I never had influenza, like I never met Dr. Carlisle Cullen. Bella," he paused, and then continued huskily, "you make me feel human again." His voice almost broke on the last word. He released my hands and his strong arms circled around me.

"Oh, Edward," I said his name like it was something sacred. I held onto him tightly, pressing myself against him as he buried his head in my neck. I placed gentle kisses on his cool alabaster neck and ran my fingers through his hair, stroking the back of his head. He had told me this before, but I never got tired of hearing it. I knew to him it was the greatest compliment he could give me.

After existing for so many years with no one special person to love; it hurt me to think about him like that. I wanted to do everything I could to make his life easier, and so far I thought I had brought so many complications to it, but I also made him feel human.

As much as I trusted him, I could feel him trusting me, too. He was revealing more of himself to me than he ever had before. I remembered the first day in our meadow, when he stepped out into the sunlight. He had taken a giant leap of faith that day, trusting me with his secret, a young girl he hardly knew.

Inside he must have felt the same connection I felt. I already would have gone anywhere with him, done anything he asked of me. It wasn't logical, but neither was faith, neither was love.

This feeling was so powerful. He made me feel loved and protected, and I made him feel human, vulnerable. We were like two sides of the same coin. I wondered if this was part of why he didn't want me to change, or why he didn't want to change me.

If I made him feel human, it was because I was human, and once I was no longer human, would his feelings for me change? Would my feelings for him change? Would we both have regrets? Was my changing a mistake?

How could that be a mistake? I wanted to be with him forever, and my remaining human was a rather large impediment to that. Also there was a small matter of the Volturi knowing that I knew about them and either I was going to have to become one of their kind or die.

There really weren't any other options on the table, despite what Edward might think, and there was always the chance that some rogue vampire was going to come after me again, or that I could just simply be hit by a car. I was, after all, a well-known danger magnet. Even today I had somehow managed to entice a bobcat into attacking me, merely by wandering into his territory and then there was the horrible blonde guy at the museum. How had I ever managed to go on a field trip before Edward came along? So much for a relaxing weekend.

I didn't want to continue aging while he remained 17, either. A few years didn't matter, but no way was I going to wait around until I was 28. I loved him and he loved me and we wanted to be together forever. I had to join him, in marriage, and in his way of 'life.'

I was feeling so many emotions I could barely speak. "You make me want to stay in this teahouse forever, Edward."

"It is a place of tranquility, but we can't stay here forever," he said lightly.

"But Edward Anthony Masen is here," I objected.

"From now on Edward Anthony Masen will always be wherever you are," he assured me.

"That's good to know, because I love him so much." I was filled with joy, amazed that I could make a coherent sentence. I felt like I was floating.

"You have brought meaning to my life, Bella. When I look into your beautiful brown eyes I see my future. When I touch your gentle hands I feel the power you have over me. When I kiss your lips I feel alive. I never knew what I was missing until I met you, and I never want to be without you," he said, his voice raw with emotion and he tightened his already firm grip on me.

"You never will be, if I have anything to do with it," I affirmed, searching for his lips and finding them ready to receive my passionate kiss.

He pulled away first and I made a small noise of protest. Edward stroked my cheek with the back of his hand, seeking to calm my excitement. "I know we're the only ones here, Bella, but we are still in a public place," he said quietly.

"Sometimes you are so old fashioned," I teased.

"What are you talking about? I'm just a teenager; a teenager in love," he insisted.

I had to laugh at that. That must be what we appeared to be to anyone who saw us; a happy young couple in love on a cloudy summer day. If they only knew, I thought to myself.

"I love to hear you laugh, Bella. It's the happiest sound. You bring me so much joy, just by your mere presence. You are a true blessing; you are the light that brought me out of the darkness. I can never thank you enough, I can never love you enough, but I will spend the rest of eternity trying."

When he said things like that it made my heart beat like drum. I could barely speak.

"I always want to be by your side, Edward. It always makes me happy to be with you."

He looked so pleased by my simple words. He was always beautiful, but when he smiled my heart melted. I must have looked as weak as I felt because he sprang into nurturing mode.

"How about a cookie, cookie?" he suggested, gesturing at the plate of fortune cookies in front of us. "Look, there are two left. Choose one," he instructed.

I picked the one closest to him and he picked up the other one.

Edward cracked his open, read it to himself and said to me, "What does yours say?"

I looked at him quizzically but cracked my cookie open and read the fortune. I frowned and looked at him. "What does yours say?"

"You are going to marry the girl sitting next to you."

I gasped. "Mine says: Never let him go." I shivered.

We both put our fortunes down on the table and looked at them. Then we looked at each other.

"Did you plan this, Edward?"

"No, honestly, I am as surprised as you are." He sounded sincere.

"Somehow this makes me feel like we should get married as soon as possible."

"If I had known this is all it takes I would have taken you out for Chinese food a long time ago," he said with amusement.

I frowned at him. 'Never let him go.' I didn't need a cookie to tell me that, but it seemed like a sign, a warning. I was so afraid of losing him.

"What's wrong, Bella?"

"I just… " I didn't want him to know how insecure I was. "I'm just looking forward to the day when we can be together forever."

"And that makes you frown?"

"The waiting makes me frown. I feel like we're so close and I'm just impatient."

"I completely understand that," he said sympathetically.

I gathered up all our fortunes and put them in my purse, in the little zipper compartment. "Alice will squeal when she sees these."

"Are you ready to catch a cable car?"

"Oh yes, we must do that," I agreed. He paid the bill and guided me back to the car. In a few minutes we were near the Wharf and the cable car turnaround as another magic parking space opened up. The mind reading thing really came in handy in a big city with limited parking.

Edward took my hand and we strolled towards the cable car. "I want to ride in the front," I said, full of anticipation.

"Then ride in the front you shall," he promised, leading me in that direction. We boarded the car and I planted myself next to the front window. He sat down beside me and took my hand. "You should put your gloves on," he advised. "The wind off the Bay blows very cold when the cable car speeds down a hill."

It was late afternoon, still overcast and cool. Inky black clouds danced across the sky, threatening rain. The driver stepped onto the cable car and started ringing the bell in a lively, rhythmic pattern. He released the brake and we were off, climbing the first hill.

Edward slipped his arm around my shoulder and I leaned against him. It was like being on a large-scale roller coaster, whizzing past rows of Victorian houses and hanging on tightly when the car shuddered around a corner. It didn't reach anything near the speeds Edward pushed his Volvo to, but somehow the hills and valleys made it very exciting.

Edward pulled the camera out of his pocket and took several pictures of the colorful houses as we tore past them. He turned the camera on me a got a few pictures of me pressed against the front window as we rounded a corner. I stuck my tongue out at him and he got a picture of that, too. Stupid, inhumanly quick photographer.

As the cable car paused at the top of the last hill Edward leaned down and said urgently, "Angela Webber is here."

"What? Where?" I asked, startled.

"She and Ben are waiting to catch this cable car, there at the turnaround," he said, pointing out two small figures in the distance, at the head of a short line.

"They're going to see us," I said, trying not to sound as nervous as I felt. No one was supposed to know we were here.

"Angela won't give us away; besides, I doubt that she and Ben are supposed to be here, either," he said with more than a hint of mischief in his voice.

Suddenly the bizarre coincidence of running into Angela and Ben here seemed hysterically funny. I began to giggle and then laugh. Edward watched me with concern for a moment before he smiled broadly and joined in my hilarity, throwing his head back and laughing, too. Seeing him so happy pushed me completely over the edge, and we held each other as the sound of our laughter washed over us. Then I clutched my sides, gasping, and tried calm down as the cable car began its downhill path.

I looked at him and saw reassurance in his face. "Don't worry, it will be all right," he said, smiling and rubbing his cool hand up and down my arm. I relaxed at his touch. If he said it would be okay, I trusted him. He kissed my forehead and then the tip of my nose before capturing my lips in a kiss that ended all too quickly.

Angela and Ben were engrossed in conversation as the cable car approach and at first they didn't see us. The car came to a full stop and we stood up. Edward gracefully stepped down to the street and I heard Angela's sharp intake of breath. He put his hands on my waist and lowered me to stand next to him, as we turned to face the other couple, who like us, were so far from Forks.

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**AN: I'm curious to know what you thought about this chapter, so please review and let me know. I can't take credit for the fortune cookies that said, "You will marry the girl next to you" and "Never let him go." That actually happened to friends of mine on their first date in San Francisco. It was sort of a blind date, arranged by a mutual friend, and after spending the day in Golden Gate Park they fell in love. At dinner in Chinatown they got those fortune cookies and they are still married today. Strange but true. The quotes from the play, _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead_ are the property of Tom Stoppard and no copyright infringement is intended.**

**I'm off to upload some pictures of the Japanese Garden and if you want to take a look at them, the link to my Photo Album is on my Profile Page, along with links to other things mentioned in this story.**

**My beta, Ranma15177, has three great stories going right now, and you all should be reading and reviewing them. There is a link to her on my Favorite Stories list, and she's recently added new chapters to _Conversations with Emmett_ and _Making A Home._ Her action/adventure fic, **_**Escaping Sol**_**, is a real thrill ride. If you aren't already on board, I urge you to scamper over there and check it out. **

**I'd like to express gratitude to my other beta, not done baking, a wonderful writer herself, for the valuable contributions she has made to this story.**

_**If you choose to put me on Author Alert you will get an email every time I put any new story online, even it it isn't a part of Blue Moon. I will have some one shots and outtakes that go along with this story but are not chapters, so if you want to get notices about them, put me on Author Alert. Thanks.**_


	29. Always Something There to Remind Me

**AN: _Happy Birthday, Edward._**

**I've added new Photos to the Blue Moon Album and the link is on my Profile page. I'm sorry I haven't replied to all the wonderful reviews from last chapter, but I truly appreciate each and every one. I've been busy working on getting this chapter ready and I thought you'd all rather read this than an email from me. Please gather your thoughts as you read and let me know how the story is going when you finish.**

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**Chapter 29: _Always Something There to Remind Me_**

Angela and Ben were engrossed in conversation as the cable car approach and at first they didn't see us. The car came to a full stop and we stood up. Edward gracefully stepped down to the street and I heard Angela's sharp intake of breath. He put his hands on my waist and lowered me to stand next to him, as we turned to face the other couple, who like us, were so far from Forks.

"Hello Angela, Ben," Edward's velvet voice sounded as if it was the most natural thing in the world to run into the two of them here in San Francisco.

"Bella, Edward," Angela exclaimed, looking even more nervous than I felt.

"Hi Angela, Ben," I echoed Edward's greeting. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah, it's a surprise," she agreed as Ben just nodded at us.

"What are you two doing here?" I inquired, as if I didn't already know, but deciding that the direct approach was the best.

"We just came down for the weekend. No one knows we're here. Ben has a cousin, Henry, who's going to UC Berkeley and he just graduated. He shares a house with four other guys, a block from campus, and the rest of them are already gone. So he said we could stay there, and we couldn't pass up an offer like that."

"No one knows we're here either," I said, smiling at Edward as Angela laughed. I let go of him and stepped closer to Angela.

I heard Edward say, "So, Ben, what have you seen so far?"

Ben replied, "We just came from the Comic Book Museum downtown. Have you been there?"

I relaxed, knowing Edward could easily deal with Ben.

"So where do your parents think you are?" I asked Angela as we took a few steps away from the guys.

"Visiting a girlfriend in Seattle. Where does your dad think you are?"

"A weekend camping trip with Edward's parents and Alice."

"Alice? Camping? Does your dad really believe that?" She was grinning.

"Yeah, he thinks she's brought a bunch of Bride Magazines and she's going to use the time away from civilization to force me into finalizing the wedding details, which he isn't too thrilled about anyway," I admitted.

"He probably wouldn't be happy about your getting married anytime. You're his only child you know," she said sympathetically.

"You might be right about that," I agreed, smiling as I reflected on how that wasn't his only objection but seeing no point in talking about his dislike of Edward.

"Bella, you are positively glowing. You aren't…"

"No, of course not, unless you believe in immaculate conception. I mean, Edward is very old fashioned, and we agreed to wait until after the wedding," I hastily explained.

She laughed again. "It doesn't sound like you want to wait."

"I go back and forth. I'm just so crazy about him, it's tough," I whispered, knowing he could hear me anyway.

"I know what you mean; Ben is just so cute. He's not as old fashioned as Edward, but he is shy," she sighed. "We've been having a great time in San Francisco though; we took the cable car from downtown to the Wharf and now we're going back to have dinner in Chinatown."

"I hope you get some good fortune cookies," I said, opening my bag and pulling out the fortune that said: 'Never let him go.' I showed it to Angela and said, "I just got this one at lunch."

"Very appropriate; are you going to try to work that into your vows?" she joked.

"No, but I'm actually looking forward to the wedding now," I giggled, tucking the fortune back in my bag.

"Wow, Bella, you are. When you first told me about it, you didn't seem totally thrilled, but you do now. What happened?"

"Edward happened. I finally realized I do want to be his wife, forever."

"But you were going to marry him anyway, even when you weren't sure?"

"I always knew I wanted to be with him forever, I just didn't know about being married and the wedding and all. You know I hate being in the spotlight and I can't stand the way people gossip," I stated darkly.

"You shouldn't let that bother you. Who cares what people like Jessica say? She's been jealous of you since that day Edward showed up in Port Angeles and took you to dinner. She always thought you guys had arranged that meeting, you know."

"We didn't, it was accidental. Has she already been gossiping about the wedding?" This was just going to confirm everything I had feared and I was beginning to get angry.

"No more than usual. You know Jess lives and breathes gossip, it doesn't mean anything. You bagged the most eligible bachelor at Forks High, geez, Bella, possibly in Washington state. You've got to expect her to talk about it, she's green with envy. Edward would never look twice at her."

I thought about that for a moment, and decided she knew what she was talking about. Somehow I had bagged the elusive Edward Cullen and I was proud of it. "I know you're right, and I don't care anymore, what anybody says. It's my life, and I know how I want to live it."

"Good for you; you two deserve to be happy."

She didn't say anything else, but I could tell she was thinking _after all we'd been through._

"We _are_ very happy. This trip is to celebrate his birthday, and I've never had so much fun."

"I know what you mean; sneaking out of Forks kind of makes it even more exciting, doesn't it?"

I just nodded and smiled. She continued, "I'm delighted for you, getting married, going to Dartmouth. I expect lots of emails, I don't want to lose touch with you, just because we'll be on different coasts," Angela entreated me.

I instantly felt guilty, knowing any time spent with her was limited. "I want to keep in touch. You've been my best girlfriend since I came to Forks and I'm going to miss you."

"I'm going to miss you, too. Talking about starting a new school makes me think of the first day I ever saw Edward. Did I ever tell you about that?"

"I don't think so. What happened?"

"He was in my Spanish class, second period. The teacher made him introduce himself in Spanish and he had a perfect accent. I could tell right away he was smart, and of course good looking."

I nodded. That was impossible to ignore.

She continued, "When I got in line for lunch I noticed he was in front of me and he whispered something to Alice that was very rude but funny, about Lauren."

"That sounds like Edward," I smiled.

"Yeah, well, since Lauren was the prettiest girl in school, and he was already making fun of her, I figured he wouldn't be asking her out. I felt sorry for him because as smart, attractive and funny as he was, I knew there weren't going to be any girls he would find interesting, and I was right. He never looked at a girl 'til you arrived. You two were meant for each other."

I probably _was_ glowing now. "Thanks for telling me that, Angela. I hope you and Ben are as happy as Edward and me."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Edward moving toward me and he said, "If we want to make our dinner reservation we need to be going now," as he flashed Angela a brilliant smile.

"It was great to run into you two," Angela said brightly. "Happy Birthday, Edward," she said as she winked at me.

"Thank you, Angela. I have never had a happier birthday," Edward said, sliding his arm around my waist and drawing me close to him.

We smiled and they waved at us as we turned to make our way back to the car. I stumbled at the curb as we neared the SUV, but Edward was there to catch me.

"Did you have a pleasant conversation with Angela?" he inquired lightly.

"You should know, I'm sure you heard the whole thing," I retorted.

"You _are_ radiant; you become more beautiful every day, Bella," he said sweetly. "I am very pleased by what you told Angela about our wedding. So I 'happened,' did I?"

"Well, it's the truth." I blushed, thinking about how he made it impossible to be mad at him for eavesdropping. "Did you have a nice chat with Ben?"

"That boy is on cloud nine. He's got a weekend alone with Angela, rent free, and he spent the afternoon at a comic book museum. His life couldn't get any better. You don't need to worry; they will be discreet. They don't want to be found out any more than we do," he chuckled.

I smiled back at him. "Where are we going now?" I asked, giving in and acknowledging to myself that I was completely along for the ride.

"Just a quiet little spot where you can have a bite to eat before we start the drive back to Manka's," Edward said, smoothly winding though traffic.

In a few minutes we were parking directly in front of a small Italian restaurant named Incanto. I looked at the elegant hand-lettered name over the door and then at Edward. I pointed and said, "Does that have something to do with singing?" Edward rolled his eyes.

"Camera, please." I wanted to get a picture of that before we went in. Edward produced the camera from his pocket and smiled as I positioned him under the Incanto sign.

"Give it back to me, please. I want to get some pictures of you enjoying your dinner," he requested.

"Edward, no pictures of me eating."

"Humor me," he said as he gently removed the camera from my hands.

Exasperated, I entered the restaurant as he held the door open for me. The restaurant had a rustic but elegant Italian setting, with handcrafted stone, antique brick and woodwork, and framed 16th century Latin parchments hanging on the walls. A busy bar on the right was filled with people and their chatter blended nicely with the Chris Botti trumpet music wafting through the restaurant's sound system in the background.

The hostess, a cool blonde, flashed her brightest smile when she got a look over my shoulder at Edward. "Good evening, sir. Do you have a reservation?"

"Yes, the name is Cullen."

She glanced at her reservation book. "I see; your table is ready, please follow me." She had managed to ignore me as if I weren't there. She slowly proceeded make a seductive stroll to our table. If she thought Edward was enjoying her hip action, she was wrong. He held my hand and looked at me the entire time. He had been incredibly attentive all day.

She had led us to a table in the center of the dining room, near the bar, where most of the early evening action was taking place. I supposed it was a good table if you wanted to be in the middle of everything.

When Edward noticed this, instead of sitting down he said, "Would it be possible for us to have that table in the corner, by the window?"

Since the restaurant was only about one quarter full, and that area completely empty, she smiled at him, shook out her long, blonde hair, and said, "Of course, wherever you'd like."

He smiled at me and indicated that I should follow her as she led us to our new table. I decided to tease him by trying to imitate her walk. This would be a challenge, given my propensity for tripping, but I walked slowly, swaying my hips as she did. I could hardly keep from laughing as we neared the table.

She suddenly spun around, expecting to see Edward following her, and instead, almost caught me copying her moves. I stopped short and felt Edward's hand steadying me in the small of my back.

I turned to look at him and he had his other hand over his mouth but his eyes were barely able to contain his mirth. I quickly looked away, afraid I would burst out laughing myself.

She set two menus down on the table and said, "I hope you enjoy your dinner. If there's anything I can do to make your evening more pleasant, please let me know." With another smile directed at Edward, she left us.

He held out my chair for me and as I sat down he leaned over and whispered in my ear, "You can walk in front of me like that anytime."

I started giggling as he sat down opposite me with his enchanting crooked smile lighting up his divine face.

"You are wicked, do you know that…" He made it more of a statement than a question.

I tried to play innocent. 'Whatever do you mean, sir?"

"You know exactly what I mean. Mimicking that girl's attempt at flirtation and doing it in such an enticing way."

He thought I was enticing? Maybe I should tip her. I should practice that walk more often… from the fireplace to the bed.

Our waiter arrived and said that meals at Incanto began with complimentary sparkling or still water because the local Hetch Hetchy water tasted great (they filtered, chilled and carbonated it before serving), and which would we prefer, sparkling or still?

Edward indicated that the choice was mine, so with him in mind I chose "Sparkling."

The waiter soon returned with our water and breadsticks and what he called an olive tapenade. I tasted the sparkling water and it was delicious.

"Would you mind if I ordered for you, Bella?" Edward inquired solicitously.

I was surprised, but figured he must have something in mind. "Sure, go ahead."

Edward asked for a bowl of minestrone soup and to see the dessert menu. I shot him a look of disbelief as I dipped a breadstick into the tapenade.

"The cheese course is part of the dessert menu here, but I think that's what you would like to start with," he explained.

"These olives are great," I murmured.

When our waiter returned with the dessert menu Edward glanced at it and ordered a cheese tray to be served with the soup, for us to split. The waiter then disappeared.

Since Edward had no dirty looks for the waiter, I hazarded a guess. I whispered, "Edward, is our waiter gay?"

"Yes, how did you know?"

"Well, not by the way he looks or acts. By the way you act."

"I wasn't acting in any unusual way," he quickly replied.

"No, not at all. You were nice to him. That gave me the idea that he wasn't harboring any untoward thoughts about me. Because, if he had been, you would have been looking like you wanted to take his head off." I had just meant that as a figure of speech but I realized with Edward it could be taken literally.

"You haven't heard the thoughts about you, Bella, and I hope you never do. If I look annoyed with someone it's for a good reason."

I wanted to roll my eyes but I didn't think he would appreciate it and he was probably right, especially considering my unpleasant encounter at the museum gift shop earlier today. So instead I said, "Is it just a coincidence that our waiters last night and tonight are both gay, or is that why you chose the Bay area for our getaway?"

He laughed. "It's just a happy coincidence, although it could have been a good idea. Not all men in the Bay area are gay. The bartender is eyeing you now, and there were a few at Manka's last night in the dining room who noticed you, don't worry."

"Oh I'm not worried for myself; I'm worried for them."

He shook his head. "You are either too nice or too naïve. Either way, dangerous."

I decided to ignore that comment; I was having too much fun. "This has been a day of new experiences for me," I said, enjoying another breadstick. "Is that what this trip is all about?"

"What do you think?" he replied mysteriously, taking my left hand in his right and giving it a light squeeze.

"I think you always have a lot more going on in that beautiful head of yours than you ever let me in on, Edward," I complained.

"You seem to be handling the surprises quite well," he observed.

"I decided to just give in and go with the flow," I admitted.

He raised his eyebrows. "Who are you and what have you done with my Bella?" he asked in mock alarm.

"It is part of my birthday gift to you, remember?" I smiled and gazed into his sparkling topaz eyes. "You've been to San Francisco many times, haven't you?" I asked.

"Yes, but seeing it through your eyes makes it seem like the very first time," he said with enthusiasm. "I had no idea a cable car ride could be so much fun, but your delight when we would careen around a corner, the wind blowing through your hair sending your delicious scent rushing towards me, it was breathtaking."

I blushed and he brought my hand up to his lips and kissed my wrist. I felt my face redden even more and my pulse quickened as he held my wrist and inhaled deeply.

"How did you choose this particular restaurant, Edward?"

"I know you like Italian food, so I went to the internet; there's a website called Yelp dot com that has reviews and this is one of the top ten restaurants in the Bay area. I hope you like it."

"It's a charming setting; it feels like we're in Italy." A good part of Italy, where there was no royal family of vampires waiting for me. It almost seemed as if this day was about showing me the world without ever leaving San Francisco.

Just then the waiter arrived with the cheese course and bowl of soup. Edward reluctantly released my hand.

The cheese tray looked like something out of a renaissance painting. Luscious dollops of cheese were arranged on the dark green slab of marble amidst mounds of dates stuffed with almonds, biscotti, crackers, strawberries, grapes, and a small mound of fig paste. All the cheeses had little name cards, and the waiter suggest we start with the mildest cheese and work our way up to the most strongly flavored.

I was so interested in the delectable display in front of me I didn't even notice Edward had the camera out until I heard him take the first several shots. At least I didn't have any food in my mouth yet.

"No more pictures unless we're both in them," I warned him. He put the camera back in his jacket pocket, nodding with resignation.

I started with the goat cheese, Cevrin with Juniper Ash, and found it to be particularly good. The Langhe Robiola due Latti was a sheep's milk cheese and it was delicious smeared on a stuffed date. The Toma Maccagne Rosa, a tasty cow's milk cheese went very well with the savory biscotti and fig paste.

Between bites of cheese I tore into a large bowl of the delicious minestrone soup, which was perfect on this chilly day.

The whole time I was enjoying these delightful new flavors, Edward would casually shift a biscotti from one hand to the other, and lift his glass of water to his lips, so to the chance observer, it appeared that he was eating, too.

"You have no idea how pleased I am to see that your appetite has returned," Edward said, his voice smooth as silk.

"If you keep feeding me like this I'm not going to fit into my wedding dress but I won't take the blame for it. I never would have ordered all this food and I'm not going to face the wrath of Alice, either. I'm going to sic her on you, mister, so just get ready."

He chuckled. "You could stand to gain a few pounds, and you have nothing to fear from Alice, she adores you."

I snorted. "You think so? She's your sister, and you have her total loyalty. Don't doubt it for a moment."

He raised an eyebrow, clearly surprised by my words. "Bella, she is beyond thrilled that you are going to be her sister, too. I believe she would already take your side in any disagreement between us."

That made me remember when I tried to get Alice to discuss Edward's reluctance to change me, and all she did was tell me to talk to him about it. "Well you would be wrong, because that day she helped me put together the CD for you, I already tried to get some information out of her, and she flatly refused. She was on your side."

"Bella, you intrigue me." He leaned forward a bit to get closer to me. "What possible information would you want to know that she wouldn't tell you?"

I felt my face begin to burn and I immediately realized my mistake. This cheese was so delicious it was making me lose my wits.

"Um… it was just something… about the wedding," I finished lamely, pleased that I could come up with anything when put on the spot like this.

His stunning topaz eyes were gazing at me intently. "Bella, what is there about the wedding that Alice would possibly want to keep secret from you? You are the bride. It's your wedding, sweetheart." He leaned toward me even more, and ran his fingertips along my arm.

"Well… it… oh, I can't remember," I lied poorly, fighting to remain calm while his hand sent sparks shooting along my heated flesh.

"Bella," he breathed my name softly, eyes trained on me full force, "please tell me."

I closed my eyes and leaned back. I refused to let him dazzle information out of me, although it was fun to watch him try.

"There are some things about the wedding that are a secret from me, and some that are a secret from you, and that's all I'm going to say about it. Alice has her reasons, I'm sure," I said, hoping he would let it drop. I opened my eyes cautiously and looked at him.

He was still gazing at me and there was a small crease in his forehead. I quickly looked down at my plate and started to prepare another bite. He remained silent and I finally chanced a glance at him.

"I hope you don't believe for a moment that you have fooled me, Bella. You are still the most transparent liar, but also the most exquisitely lovely," his said in the most honeyed tone, no longer frowning.

I smiled at him, relieved that he was going to let it go. I knew I needed to talk to him about changing me; I still had a lot of questions, but this wasn't the time or the place. I hoped he would be more receptive to my questions, now that we had been so honest with each other and I felt even closer to him.

When the waiter came to check on our progress, Edward took a fleeting look at the menu again and ordered the Italian version of pudding, called Chocolate-Amaretto Budino, topped with a bacon-almond brittle and two spoons.

The waiter left and Edward said, "I would venture to bet that you've never tasted bacon-almond brittle before, have you?"

"Tasted it, no. I didn't even know it existed, but that goes for the cheeses as well. They are fantastic. This was a great idea, Edward," I gushed, wanting him to know how much I appreciated all the effort he had put into making this a memorable and fun weekend.

"I love to see you enjoying yourself," he replied, more light-hearted than I had seen him in a long time.

I hopped up and gave him a quick kiss. "Could you please excuse me, I think I need a human moment," I whispered.

"Try to avoid the bar; the bartender is desperate to offer you a dirty martini."

"You've got to be kidding," I said, sure he was teasing me.

"No, I'm not. He bribes the hostess to seat beautiful girls near the bar; that's why I rejected our first table and chose this one. I wanted to get you as far away from him as possible."

Now I didn't even want to glance at the bar to see what the bartender looked like. I made my way through the main dining room towards the Ladies Room but before I got there I passed the Dante Room. It was a small room, lined with wine bottles on each side and a massive, dark mural of what I assumed to be Dante's _Divine Comedy_ on the back wall.

What did I remember about Dante? Something about the search for Divine Love… I knew _Romeo and Juliet_ backwards and forwards but Dante escaped me. I would have to ask Edward about that when I got back to our table.

On my return trip I carefully skirted by the bar as quickly as I could, slipping through the dining room that was beginning to fill up, never looking in the direction of the bar. I didn't want to give the bartender an opportunity to see Edward in action. Fortunately our section was still empty except for our table in the corner and I was able to quickly make my way back to him.

When I sat down Edward immediately reached his hand across the table and I placed mine in his. I could see the lines in his face soften as he relaxed and rubbed his thumb back and forth on the back of my hand.

"Edward, did something happen while I was gone?"

"No," he sighed.

"You seem like something's bothering you," I ventured.

"Nothing more than the usual when you are out of my sight," he murmured.

"What do you mean?"

"I am always anxious when you are away from me. Look what happened at the museum this afternoon when you gave me the slip."

"You're not going to hold that against me, are you? I was just trying to surprise you."

"You surprised me, all right. Almost gave me a heart attack when I couldn't find you."

"You could see me almost all the way to the Ladies Room here."

"Yes, but the key word there is 'almost.' After you passed the bar you went out of sight and the bartender never took his eyes off you. On the way back he was contemplating pouring you a glass of dessert wine but as he watched you walk this way he caught a glimpse of me and changed his mind."

"I hope you didn't frighten him too badly."

"He'll live," he said shortly.

I briefly wondered if that outcome had ever been in doubt but quickly decided to change the subject.

"They have one of the nicest Ladies Room's here that I've ever seen; it's almost like a little hotel room. It's so plush; there's even a small sofa in there."

He smiled then and said, "This is supposed to be one of the best restaurants in San Francisco, so I would expect nothing less. So far there is only one thing I don't like about it here."

Since I knew it couldn't be the food he objected to I wondered if he meant the bartender. I raised an eyebrow and he continued.

"Even though this is a table for two I am too far away from you. I don't want to be sitting opposite you, I want to be next to you," he said, his eyes boring into mine.

I felt all the blood in my body suddenly racing through my veins as he stroked my arm and that made it difficult to sit still. I shifted in my chair slightly and wondered why it had become so much warmer in here.

"I feel moved to rework the seating arrangement," Edward said, releasing my hand and standing up. He stood at the edge of the table and gracefully slid the table so that it was parallel to the windows, then moved his chair next to mine and sat down. He made slight work of repositioning our glasses and silverware and then draped his left arm across my shoulder saying, "This is much better."

I pressed my body closer to him. "You don't think they will mind you redesigning their seating plan?" I whispered.

"I don't care if they do. They are lucky I didn't put you in my lap because that is where I would really like you to be," he said easily, kissing my temple lightly.

"We can leave now if you want, I don't have to have dessert," I suggested, not wanting to waste a minute in a restaurant if Edward wanted to be closer to me. I was all for that.

"Of course you must have dessert; do not be absurd. Sitting next to you like this is my dessert," he insisted.

Just then our waiter appeared. "May I see your left hand?" he inquired, looking at me. I glanced at Edward but he was merely smiling so I placed my left hand on the table.

"I thought so. You had to be either celebrating an engagement or be on your honeymoon and you look a little young to be married," he said, chuckling. "This table gets moved around like this all the time by couples. I've told the owner he should just leave it like this but he's stubborn. Would you like some wine with dessert tonight?"

"No, thank you," Edward replied, frowning slightly.

The waiter took that as his cue to leave and I took it as my opportunity to find out why he was frowning.

"Okay, what was the waiter thinking that put that frown on your face?"

He sighed. "It's interesting to me how you can be so selective in your observations. I display the slightest frown and you're all over me, yet you can be pursued by a madman and not pay him the slightest notice. You never cease to amaze me."

"Am I never going to live that down? Just tell me what the waiter's problem was."

"He was on an errand for the bartender who doesn't give up easily. Even after he confirmed that we were engaged he was still trying to offer you wine."

"Why are guys so dumb, as if sending me a drink is suddenly going to make me interested in him?" I huffed, resting my hand on his leg, hoping that would soothe him and I felt his body relax. "Oh, well, that's not important. I only have eyes for you, anyway. This has been such a lovely day, Edward. We did so much stuff I feel like we've been in San Francisco for a week. I loved the play and the Japanese garden; the best has been seeing all these things with you."

"So you are not sorry we didn't stay in bed all day?" He sounded almost disappointed, which gave me hope.

"Well I would never complain about that, but I think today was spectacular. I can't believe the way you arranged all this stuff and kept it a secret," I said, beginning to rub my hand back and forth on his thigh. The fabric of the expensive gray Italian wool slacks was so soft over the muscles of firm thighs; he always looked good no matter what he wore.

"It has been my pleasure to see you relaxed and happy," he said, smiling down at me.

"It's easy to be relaxed and happy when I'm with you and I always want to be with you. You are my own personal Greek god, you know. I can't decide which I like better, your impressive chest and your strong arms, or your long, lean legs with those powerful muscles. It must be from all that running you do…" I mused, feeling those muscles under my hand.

Edward closed his eyes and stopped breathing for a moment. Then he put his right hand lightly on top of mine and stilled its motion. "I think it's best if you stop doing that, Bella. I am trying to be a gentleman, but I want you so badly right now that it hurts," he whispered in my ear.

I didn't dare turn my head to look at him; I wouldn't have been able to control myself. I leaned forward slightly and stared at the ring on my left hand, willing a wedding band to appear in its place. My intentions in cataloging Edward's physical charms had been innocent; I just loved looking at him and being close to him. I didn't realize it would set something off inside of him. I filed this away for future reference.

Edward raised my right hand and pressed his lips against my palm. Now I wanted him just as badly as he wanted me.

"Are you sure we can't just skip dessert?" I gasped, feeling like it was hard to breathe.

"We are not going to rush anything, Bella," he said softly.

"You are awfully good at delaying gratification, Edward. I could use some lessons," I complained.

"There are all kinds of things I would like to teach you," he said seductively.

I did look at him then, unable to resist any longer. His eyes were flickering and it wasn't just from the candlelight on our table. I was finding it hard to sit still any longer and I could see how being in his lap seemed like a very good idea.

"Are you sure you don't want to slip into the Ladies Room with me? You could push the sofa up against the door…" I trailed off, blushing and unable to believe these words were coming out of my mouth, but it seemed like a good idea and I thought I would give it a try.

He smiled widely and said, "Just how close did you get to Rosalie during your little CD mixing session? She and Emmett are famous for that trick."

I gulped. "Rosalie is a bit of an inspiration," I allowed.

"I am going to have to have a little talk with her when we get home. She goes from barely acknowledging you to corrupting your morals. I am not sure what to make of this."

"Don't tamper with our relationship; she's just beginning to treat me like a real person and I don't want you to spoil it," I pleaded.

"Alright, my little temptress, but I think perhaps after we are married we may give Rose and Emmett a run for their money," he said, unable to hide the satisfaction in his voice.

I felt a shiver of anticipation rush through my body. The next few weeks were going to be torture if we kept going on like this. I contemplated dousing myself with some of the ice cold sparkling water this restaurant was famous for but rejected that idea after a moment. If Edward wasn't ready to leave the restaurant right now I decided we needed to talk about something else; anything else.

"Have you seen that giant mural in the next room?" I inquired conversationally.

"Took a peek in the Dante Room, did you? Did the mural frighten you?" he asked.

"A little bit. I'm just drawing a blank on Dante," I said sheepishly.

"Okay, Dante in a nutshell." He thought for a moment and then said, "He used poetry to mix philosophy and theology to ponder humanity's fundamental questions: Why are we here? How should we live? What happens after we die?"

"Oh I see, a slacker. Why didn't he try to deal with something important?" I deadpanned.

He smiled. "You have to remember that he was writing about these matters in the thirteenth century; he basically came up with the concept of Courtly Love, love at first sight, love as a reason for living. That was a radical concept back then."

"And it's not a radical concept now?" I asked.

"Yes, I'm sure it is for some people, but then so is the concept of marriage," he paused, "for some people."

I rolled my eyes. "It's all about today, Edward, it's not about 'til death do us part. Really, you of all people should know that."

He continued, "Well, here's something that maybe you can relate to with Dante. The soul was understood to be the principle of activity in living things, and Dante said that when the attention of the soul is completely drawn to a power such as sight or hearing, then time passes unperceived."

"How do you figure that relates to me specifically?" I asked, uncomprehendingly.

"Well, when I'm watching you sleep I am so completely drawn in by you that I am unaware of time passing. The night goes by like the blink of an eye," he said, smiling.

And what will you do when I no longer sleep all night, I wondered to myself. Then I blushed, thinking of a possible way we could pass the time, once I was no longer the fragile human who must be protected.

I looked up and saw that he was looking at my flushed face with a particular gleam in his eye. Was he beginning to be able to read my mind or had he just spontaneously had the same thought? I decided to find out.

"What are you thinking right now?" I asked.

He looked like he didn't want to answer at first, and then said, "Do you want me to be honest?"

"Of course," I was really intrigued now.

"Well, it's not the most pleasant thought…" he paused, as if waiting for me to stop him. I continued to look at him expectantly.

"I was just remembering the opening stanzas of Dante's _Inferno._ To paraphrase, it begins:

_Halfway through the journey we are living_

_I found myself deep in a darkened forest,_

_For I had lost all trace of the straight path._

_How hard it is to tell what it was like,_

_How wild the forest was, how rugged_

_To think of it still fills my mind with panic._

_It is so bitter that death is hardly worse."_

He stopped and looked like he was remembering something painful. I recognized the look because it probably mirrored the look on my face, too. Neither of us would ever forget that horrible day, worse than death for both of us, but I knew we had to get beyond that.

"Oh, did he take his girlfriend into the forest and abandon her, too?" I asked lightly.

"No, but I thought about this poem often when I was… away," he said bitterly.

I reached over and touched his hand. He immediately picked up my hand and held it to his cool lips.

As much as I longed to be with Edward forever I was still a bit apprehensive when I thought about all the unknowns my future held, and I thought about things that had driven us apart in the past.

"Edward, as happy as I am that we are together now, I still have some questions about when we were apart. I'm just trying to understand what happened so it never happens again."

He groaned. "What do you want to know?"

"I know that when you lied to me you did it because you thought I would be better off without you. I understand that you thought that, but what led you to that decision?"

"You don't remember when my brother tried to kill you?"

"Of course I do, but I didn't hold it against Jasper. It was my own stupid fault."

"It wasn't your fault. It is not your fault that you are human and we are not," he said in a low tone.

"Please don't say that, Edward."

"It's true. When we are suddenly exposed to blood flowing like that instinct takes over and we lose control. I could not even blame Jasper. It was my fault that I exposed you to that kind of danger. Just by being close to me you are in danger."

"I understand that. But there were other ways we could have dealt with it; I could have just not spent so much time at your house for example."

"That would not have solved the real problem, it would have just delayed the inevitable."

"I still can't believe you could just walk away from me like that."

"That's because it was an incredibly arrogant thing for me to have done; you would never do something like that. I decided what was best for both of us without even consulting you. I have played God in the past and you would think I would have learned from that mistake," he said pensively.

"Please promise that if anything horrible happens you will talk to me first, honestly, before you do anything."

"What horrible fate are you imagining now?"

"I don't know; I don't have anything in mind. I just see that because of a stupid paper cut I almost lost you forever. Perhaps I'll trip getting out of the car and you'll start to have thoughts that are not good and you need to share them with me before you charge off in some direction that will ultimately hurt one or both of us."

"I just want to spare you from any pain."

"I love that about you, but I'm stronger than you think; and the worst pain would be losing you. I see you and Alice having private conversations in front of me, and you and Carlisle. Is it wrong for me to want to be a part of them, especially when they concern my future?"

"Again, your perception where I am concerned is amazing. I cannot hide anything from you."

"Oh, I think you can. You have surprised me over and over in the past two days."

"But you have enjoyed these surprises, haven't you?"

"Yes, this time has been wonderful. I feel so much closer to you. And I want to stay that way. You've got to let me in, Edward. No more secrets. There are things I need to know, things you have to tell me."

"This is all part of the process I have tried so hard to avoid, but I guess you are right. The time is coming when there are things you must be told about. How can you be so brave, Bella?"

"Because I have you by my side. As long as we are together I can face anything. Please don't be sad, Edward. That's in the past and we've made a lot of progress since then. I've learned, for example, that if you told me you had the bubonic plague and had to be quarantined, all I would do is stick to you like glue."

He rolled his eyes, but I saw a hint of a smile at the corner of his mouth. "You know I can't get the plague."

"Yes, but I wouldn't put it past you to try to use it as an excuse," I teased.

He feigned shock.

I continued, "You are never going to be able to leave me again. I would track you down. You could run, you could hide, you could dye your hair and change your name. It wouldn't make any difference. If it took forever, I would find you. That's how much I love you and always will. I belong to you and you belong to me. End of story."

He was smiling that impressive crooked smile and his gorgeous golden eyes were shining at me. "No, Bella, my love. Beginning of story. Our story will have no end. I thought I knew what it was like to be alone before, because I was always the outsider in our family, the one without a mate. It did not bother me; I had never felt the need to put someone else's happiness before my own. I was selfish and pleased about it. I did not have to consult anyone about how I spent my time; I could come and go as I pleased."

He brought my hand to his lips and softly kissed the skin next to my engagement ring.

"Then I fell in love with you and everything changed for me. You filled my thoughts and all I wanted to do was be with you. I can never forgive myself for throwing away everything we had. I found out what it meant to be truly alone and when I think of how you suffered… words cannot express my grief, Bella, but I vow I will do everything I can to make you happy 'til the end of time."

I struggled to hold back the tears that I felt just behind my eyes. His sincerity was unmistakable. "I believe you Edward, and that goes double for me," I said softly. "You are my rock." I moved my hand up to caress his smooth, handsome face and he brought his lips closer to me, whispering in my ear, "You are my everything."

He leaned over and kissed my temple again, pressing his lips against my skin and holding me there. When he let go of me I smiled up at him and he lightly ran a fingertip across my cheek. I was so full of love for him I felt like I might burst.

Just then the waiter arrived with the chocolate pudding. Edward picked up a piece of the almond-bacon brittle and placed it against my bottom lip; I slowly opened my mouth and he put it on my tongue. I let it melt. Salty, sweet – I was in bacon heaven. I took a spoonful of the pudding and then a bite of the brittle; bittersweet, my favorite flavor, so reminiscent of Edward.

"Shall I send your compliments to the chef?" Edward asked, a look of amusement on his face.

I was letting another piece of the brittle melt on my tongue so I merely smiled. He threw his head back and laughed. Then he took the spoon out of my hand and prepared another bite for me. I opened my mouth and let him feed me, which seemed to give him an inordinate amount of pleasure.

After I devoured the last spoonful of pudding I said, "This weekend has been a real gift for me, in every way; a total surprise, but a good surprise. Maybe I'm mellowing in my old age," I said, shooting him a provocative look.

He took my hand in both of his and held it tight. Outside the window, the dim light was starting to fade to darkness. It was twilight, Edward's favorite time of day.

"Shall we start back to the Lodge?" I asked.

"Your wish is my command," he quickly replied.

I rolled my eyes and whispered, "As if."

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**I hope you will review now and let me know how it's going. I want to give a big thank you to everyone who added Blue Moon to their Favorite Stories List. That really helps spread the word and I am so appreciative.** **Big hugs all around for my lovely readers.**

**Like most of the places mentioned in this story, _Incanto_ is a real restaurant, and one of SF's best. The cheese plate is even better than it sounds. You can see the restaurant by clicking on the link on my Profile page. **

**My beta, Ranma15177, has three great stories going right now, and you all should be reading and reviewing them. There is a link to her on my Favorite Stories list, and she's recently added new chapters to **_**Conversations with Emmett**_** and **_**Making A Home.**_** Her action/adventure fic, **_**Escaping Sol**_**, is a real thrill ride. If you aren't already on board, I urge you to scamper over there and check it out. **

**I'd like to express gratitude to my other beta, not done baking, a wonderful writer herself, for the valuable contributions she has made to this story.**


	30. Blue Moon: BPOV & EPOV

**AN: Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews. It really helps me to know what you are thinking about each chapter, so please let me know how you react to this one. It's Saturday night, they've spent the day in San Francisco and are now going back to Manka's.**

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**Chapter 30: _Blue Moon: All the Things You Are_**

The fog had lifted a bit by the time we got to the Golden Gate Bridge and it was thrilling to cross it and look back at the jewel that was the city of San Francisco. Edward had done everything possible to make this the perfect day for me, and he had been successful. Even with my narrow escapes it was still a fantastic day. He was holding my left hand in his right as he drove, and he had just pushed 'Play' to start one of his classical music CDs on the car stereo.

He deftly passed a dark blue BMW and I had a sudden thought.

"You know I don't pay a lot of attention to cars, but it seems like almost every car we've passed has been a BMW."

"Down here BMW stands for basic Marin wheels," Edward said, grinning at me.

"How do you know so much about Marin? Have you ever lived here?"

"No, we have never owed a house here, but I have visited. Anytime there's a mountain lion problem I'm down here in a flash. Jasper monitors wildlife activity on the internet, so we know when our services, shall we say, are needed."

"So when you're gone for two or three days, sometimes you're here?"

"Yes, sometimes."

"I had no idea. Have you used that jet taxi service we used before?"

"Yes, many times," he said matter of factly.

"That explains how this car was waiting for us at the airport," I mused aloud.

"Well it's easier than looking for a Porsche to hotwire."

I glared at him and shivered, as I usually did when I thought of that time in Italy. He paid no attention and kept talking.

"We usually have a car waiting for us. We've had many years to perfect a system."

I was beginning to realize how many things went on, with Edward, and different family members that I had no clue about. I was starting to wonder what else went on that necessitated me being kept in the dark.

As we drove north along Highway 1, hugging the curves of the coastline, I watched the dim moonlight shine on the ocean and then I looked down at my wrist. The moonlight reflected on the crescent shaped scar and I began to worry that I would never be good enough for Edward.

I quickly stole a glance at his handsome profile. I didn't want him to see me staring at him, although I could happily have spent eternity just looking at his beautiful face, until my all too human eyelids drooped and closed of their own volition. Maybe I would just take a few moments to rest and reflect on the mythical creature beside me.

Even with my eyes closed I could easily see Edward's handsome face. He looked so aristocratic; like royalty. It was easy to imagine he was a prince and I was a pauper. Well, maybe not a pauper, although I would never be able to match him in wealth, or looks.

Maybe it was more like the Prince and the peasant. I felt like I could never attain his level of perfection, no matter how many years I could spend with him. I hoped it would be for all of eternity, but I still had no way of knowing.

Until after the wedding everything was still up in the air, and with my luck… no, I just couldn't think about losing him. Not when things were going so well and we were so close to getting everything we wanted, because as amazing as it seemed, Edward wanted me. He had made that much very clear at dinner a little while ago. He wanted me in every way. He was desperate to get that wedding ring on my finger, and he had even agreed to change me so I could be with him forever. I couldn't relax until that actually happened, but the mere prospect of it made me hum with anticipation.

We had hurt each other, but that was in the past. I would not hurt him again and he promised he would never leave me. In fact, he promised to make all my dreams come true. Why still eluded me. What did he see in me? Yes, my blood smelled good, but there had to be more than that.

The fact that I could also smell blood and it so repulsed me did make me different. Just the thought of it made me lightheaded. I must direct my mind to more pleasant thoughts. Edward. The thought of him also made me lightheaded but in a much more delightful way and made my body have other physical reactions, more to my liking.

He said I made him feel human, alive. Was that because I was human? If so, would he still want me when I was a vampire? He would never talk about what our life would be like then; what I would be like then, other than the bad parts, the newborn strength and wildness. Would he be completely repulsed when he saw me like that? He said I would be a constant visual reminder of how much I loved him, but what if he no longer loved the new me? What if he just stayed with me out of guilt?

Edward was unique; he was so far superior to mere humans, and even others of his kind. What made him so special? He had to have some sort of mind reading ability when he was human, for it to be so magnified now. What was that like for him? Did it just make him a good judge of character or a complete cynic? He was kind and gentle with me but arrogant and aloof with most other people. He could be very charming when he wanted to be, and very cold when he didn't. He was always so careful with me, in every way. Would he always be like that?

I couldn't believe this was my life. I was in love with the most beautiful person in the world, and unbelievably he was in love with me. Plain, clumsy, all too mortal, human girl, me, a magnet for trouble. Would that particular trait follow me into my new, married vampire existence?

Yet Edward loved me. Why couldn't he have been born 18 years ago, instead of being reborn in 1918? Why couldn't I wake up and discover all the mythical creature stuff was just my imagination? If only he were human. He wouldn't be torturing himself over my coming change. We both knew it had to happen. I wanted it to happen. He had to want it to happen, if he wanted me to be with him forever. There was no other way.

I was beginning to have thoughts about my last supper, or whatever meal it was going to be. Frankly, after the recent experience with Victoria, I had thought that it was quite possible I might be turned into a vampire with no warning and of course that would be preferable to death. Now sometimes when I had a meal, I wondered if it was going to be my last… my last meal as a human. I didn't really care.

Meanwhile Edward was trying so hard to provide me with all these new taste sensations. I knew he was doing all this for my benefit, but I supposed it didn't occur to him that perhaps I would become so wild about the hot cheese puffs that I might not want to stop being human. Or maybe that was what was behind all this. Maybe this was all part of a cunning plan on his part. Ply me with exotic delicacies and tempt me with new experiences so I would want to stay human. No, he couldn't be doing that. He had agreed to change me, even if he didn't seem happy about it.

At the same time, I had to admit I was afraid, mostly because I had so many questions, and he seemed determined to keep me from finding out the whole truth. I knew he was probably just trying to make things easier for me by not overwhelming me with information, but it seemed to be having the opposite effect.

What little I knew I had gleaned from conversations with Alice and Carlisle; Edward was always so cautious with me. He would never let me see him hunt; I understood it was too dangerous, but just what did that mean, and when would I find out? When it was too late to effect my decision?

There were so many unknowns. What if I got out of control and attacked a person? Newborns are supposed to be unnaturally strong; what if I lashed out at someone in the family and hurt them? What if I accidentally crossed the boundary line in La Push and came in contact with Jake's pack? I knew he wouldn't hurt me, but I couldn't be sure about the rest of the pack. Their instincts would probably take over, as would mine.

Why was I having all these thoughts now? Was I feeling Edward's anxiety? He had become fairly serious at dinner, still feeling guilty about abandoning me for my own good. At least he had admitted that making a unilateral decision without even consulting me had been arrogant; that gave me hope that he would never do anything like that again. Dredging up those memories left me exhausted, though; and that fortune in the cookie… I didn't need a reminder that I should never let him go, but did he want me around forever?

Suddenly I felt a wave of fear. I was so afraid; afraid of disappointing him, afraid of marriage, afraid Edward wouldn't change me; afraid he would. Afraid I would never be able to drink blood, any kind of blood, and I would starve to death…the first anorexic vampire. Technically I wouldn't be considered 'living' anymore. In order to be with Edward forever I had to be among the undead.

It didn't make any sense, but it was the only way. It was mind-boggling. My head started to spin. Maybe it was the curves in the road or the speed with which Edward was taking them. I took a deep breath and tried to concentrate on listening to the soothing music.

**Edward's POV**

The classical music was helping to calm my nerves as I negotiated the winding coastal road back to Manka's. My sleeping beauty had fallen into a dreamless slumber as soon as we crossed the Golden Gate Bridge and turned onto Highway One. I could tell she was bothered by something though, as her delicate scent held a deeper, troubling note. As my eyes passed over her slender shoulders and the pale curve of her neck to her full, pink lips I had to suppress a shudder. My wanting to possess her, body and soul, was now a constant thirst that seemed like it would never be quenched. Since we had come to this new understanding and I knew she wanted to marry me as much as I longed to be her husband, I could hardly wait for that day to arrive.

In the past I had jokingly told Bella she would be the death of me, but after tonight's activities in the restaurant, it wasn't so much of a joke any more. When she ran her warm, soft hand up and down my thigh I thought I would explode from wanting her. I was assailed with a torrent of longing to feel all of her heated flesh pressed against my cold, hard frame. I kept reminding myself that there were rules of etiquette that must be followed, and even so I was almost panting with desire. Bella was so pure and innocent; she had no idea what she was doing to me. I could tell by the look on her face when I stopped her.

She had merely been expressing herself and I again had to put a halt to that, something a normal young man would not have had to do. There were so many things I could not do with her, and it was becoming more and more difficult for me to deal with.

After I made her aware of her effect on me, her scent changed and I could tell it had stimulated a similar response in her. It took everything I had to restrain myself from taking her up on her tempting offer to visit the Ladies Room. I was definitely going to have a talk with Rosalie _and_ Emmett when we got home.

I felt like a monster when I looked into Bella's sweet face, so open and accepting of me, and I knew that I was nearing a point where I could not continue without possibly putting her life at risk. It was agony for me, and it had to be wearing on her spirit.

I was going further today than I ever had, holding her, kissing her with more passion, and she had said my kisses were incredible. That was the absolute truth; it was miraculous that I could control the demon inside me who lusted after her blood when she pressed her warm lips against mine. Any intimate contact with her was some kind of miracle. We both yearned for so much more, and no matter how closely I held her, it wasn't enough. It was never enough where she was concerned.

I would like to believe that I could thrill her in the way she did me. Her body seemed to respond appropriately, with a racing pulse and erratic heartbeat; then there was the dizziness and fainting. Of course Bella had so little in the way of experience, her assessment of my kissing expertise was somewhat suspect. She had only the hot, forced kisses of the mongrel with which to compare, and we could not be more different. I knew she had resisted his sloppy, unwelcome advances for as long as she could. I would forever regret granting him the opportunity to besmirch her pristine lips with his wet dog stench.

Only for a few seconds of their last kiss had she responded at all, as he was so happy to replay for my benefit. She had thrown herself into those last few moments with abandon, much more than she had ever been allowed to do with me. It was ludicrous that my cold, dead heart could feel so much pain at the mere thought of her body being enveloped by his heat. Although the mutt was an animal with anger management problems, she had still been safer kissing him than she was with me.

In the end, Bella had chosen me instead of him. Of course I wondered how much choice was truly involved. She knew the Volturi had not forgotten about her, no matter what I had told her about their view of time. Jane's horrid little visit after Victoria was disposed of had put an end to that pathetic charade. Bella had to know the clock was ticking, and it was laughable to think that the wolves could protect her from the Volturi, if it came to that. So what choice did she have, really? Had she figured this out, or did she still actually prefer my cold hands on her in place of his hot ones?

Bella never shied away from my touch; in fact she actively sought it. She frequently threw herself at me, much to my delight and terror. Against my will I would feel the venom filling my mouth, and I would have to quickly swallow it before kissing her, the love I felt for her overwhelming every other instinct.

Perhaps Bella did love me with all her heart. If she did, it was truly amazing, after the way I had lied to her and rejected her. She did not have to forgive me, or race to Volterra to save me from my misbegotten act of desperation. I know she loved me then; she had not yet shared any intimate moments with the dog back then. He had been just a pup, no threat at all.

I had to stop thinking like this; it was not productive at all, and would only lead to my doubting her and making her unhappy. It was too dangerous to experiment with her fragile body, and I was so frustrated by not being able to be with her as I desired, I was seeking other places to lay the blame. The problem was not of her making, it was mine, and I would just have to accept the blame and not take it out on her.

Bella was the only creature who had ever been able to alleviate the bleak hopelessness I felt because of what I was, and provide me with a reason to believe tomorrow might be worth moving off the sofa for. She made me happier than I had any right to be and I wanted to do everything I could to ease her mind about our future together. It was important that she comprehended exactly what she meant to me and how much I loved her. She was human, but today had proved that I could be more the kind of man she wants and needs me to be. The wedding was fast approaching and she was right, we did need to further our physical relationship.

I needed to conquer my doubts about her feelings for that _hound_ and put them to rest. He had been there to help her out of her blackest depression when I left her, but with what? Motorcyles and extreme sports; dangerous physical activities. They had nothing in common, intellectually. I doubt that he had ever read Wruthering Heights or that he could quote Romeo and Juliet if his mangy life depended on it. He could never entertain her at the piano the way I could. He never would have been able to follow the intricate dialog and existential philosophy of the play this afternoon, and Bella had loved it. Her eyes had sparkled and she had been so lost in thought as we left the theater; he probably would have taken her hang gliding so she could break her leg, again.

Being jealous of a memory was just foolish and I couldn't afford to make any more stupid mistakes. I had not invited that mutt along on this trip in body and I needed to dispel his spirit as well. The past was just that, past. We had a whole eternity upon which to focus. Bella's actions today indicated that she may have had cared about him once, but she couldn't make it plainer that she was now eager to return my feelings fully and completely.

No matter how much of myself I revealed to her she never offered even a hint of rejection, not by her words or her deeds. How did I get so lucky? It was no wonder I thought of our relationship as something as fragile as a soap bubble, floating through the air, about to explode and disappear with the next strong breeze.

Bella was so light and ephemeral, a delicate goddess whose time on earth as a human being was limited, even more severely limited by her association with me, a demon trapped inside a perpetually youthful facade. She and Carlisle might be right; perhaps I did have a soul. I had committed the most unforgivable sins yet they both forgave me. There was something inside me that made me value Bella more than myself; made me want to love and protect her until the end of time; was that my soul? I couldn't remember ever having these feelings before meeting her, but my memories of my boyhood had faded and were almost completely gone now. I knew I had never been in love before, and I had fought so hard against it before giving in to the unknown emotion that brought me to Bella… that brought me to life.

At this point I could not find it within myself to blame Carlisle any more for his decision to create a companion. How could I? I was posed to do the same thing to Bella. If I had died at my natural time, I would never have known the kind of love Bella so freely gave to me. I was almost convinced Bella was an angel, sent to the rainy little town of Forks to tempt me with the siren's call of her blood. By my resisting that temptation, perhaps she could provide my salvation… and restore my soul, if that was even possible.

I was beginning to allow myself to believe that she was sure I would never leave her again. That comment she made about Dante abandoning his girlfriend in the woods had been enlightening. It had stung at first, but I recognized that if Bella could make that kind of attempt at humor, she must feel more secure with the tenuous bond we've struggled to establish after my condescending, foolish action.

I would build on that tonight, letting Bella know the myriad reasons why I loved her were not dependent on her being human, and how she was the most special woman in the world. I must stop hesitating when I touch her, and find a way to please her without being too forceful. I would do anything to make her as happy as she has made me and she needed to know that. I still had many plans for this evening, and she deserved to be relaxed and carefree while she still could.

**Bella's POV**

"Wake up sleeping beauty," I heard my angel's voice in my ear. I lay still, breathing in the warm night air. I opened my eyes to see a dark, clear wide sky with the biggest blue moon I had ever seen. Of course I couldn't remember ever seeing a true blue moon before, but still, this was impressive.

As I woke up I was lying flat on my back on a wooden pier looking up at the sky.

"How did I get here?" I asked, sleepily.

"You fell into a cheese-induced coma." That beautiful crooked smile made an appearance. Edward was sitting cross-legged next to me, holding my hand.

"Hmm," was my unintelligible response as my eyes drifted shut again.

"You were exhausted and fell asleep in the car. I brought you here; it was a big day," he explained, stroking my cheek gently, "but I didn't think you would want to miss this. Open those beautiful eyes, my little inert mass."

I did so and watched as he gestured toward the moon.

"It's beautiful. It really is a blue moon. Where are we?" I asked, finally awake.

"The Boathouse pier on Tomales Bay; this is where the wedding is going to take place tomorrow. I thought it would be a good place to partake of an ancient custom."

Before I could ask him what kind of ancient custom, I heard an owl in the pine tree behind us, next to the Boathouse. "Who whoo whoo whooo. Who whoo whoo whooo."

"Is he looking for a mate, too?" I inquired lazily.

"He's calling to his mate."

From across the bay we heard the answering call. The same deep, low series of hoots. The storm clouds that had threatened all afternoon had disappeared and the night air was sultry and tropical, with a light, warm breeze whispering through the massive forest beyond the Boathouse. Then soundlessly a large, white owl flew out of the pine tree behind us, directly over us and across the bay to another stand of trees. The white owl silhouetted against the deep blue moon was otherworldly.

"Is that some kind of an omen, Edward? Or part of the ancient custom you started to tell me about?"

"Not that I know of. You remember we passed the Audubon Canyon Ranch this morning? West Marin has an enormous amount of migratory birds; it's probably difficult to be outside and not see or hear a bird."

"It was so strange, the way it flew between us and the moon. I think it was trying to send us a message, but I don't know what it was trying to tell us. It was like something out of dream."

He lay down on his side next to me, propping himself up on one elbow so he could look down into my eyes.

"You are like something out of a dream, Bella. The sweetest dream I could ever have."

"You're like a dream come true to me," I said honestly.

He leaned over and I felt his velvet lips gently touch mine; he really was like a dream. He made me feel like Sleeping Beauty, but I couldn't shake the feeling that the owl flying over us was a bad omen.

He leaned back on his elbow again and smiled down at me.

"What do you know about owl mythology, Edward?"

"Not very much; owls generally represent wisdom. You know, the wise old owl; but this area is so rich in all kinds of wildlife, not just birds. In December and January the whales migrate by here; we could go out to the lighthouse on the Point tomorrow and I could show you where we can swim with them."

"What? We can swim with migrating whales?"

"Yes, Emmett and I have done it before. It can be fun; they do not view us as predators so we can get quite close."

"Are you saying that I will be able to swim with whales?"

"Yes, I suppose so; one day in the not too distant future. Does that sound like fun?"

"It sure does. I hadn't even thought about doing things like that."

"I have to admit it will be nice when you are not so breakable," he said wistfully.

I had to agree with him, and it was a good sign that Edward could say something like that. It meant that he was able to see me as a vampire, and even imagine doing something fun and dangerous, like swimming with whales. Well, I guess it wouldn't be dangerous after I was changed and the possibility of drowning was no longer a problem.

For him to even mention it made me so ridiculously happy. He wasn't thinking about keeping me human; he was imagining me as a vampire. I could barely contain my excitement. I knew what it must have cost him to tell me something like this. It was a terrible bargain but there would be a few advantages. So far I hadn't allowed myself to think about things like that.

I was just concentrating on being with Edward; that would be enough, but to know that other physical activities would be possible gave my imagination a jump start. The forbidden thrills of snowboarding sprang to mind. Even if I hit a tree it wouldn't matter. Just doing anything physical with Edward would be fun. I couldn't allow myself to think about that too much right now or I would spontaneously combust.

Edward was looking down at me with a beautiful smile on his face. He took his fingertip and traced the outline of my lips. Then he spoke.

"Now for the reason I brought you here. There are many myths surrounding the blue moon. One ancient legend says that if two people in love make a wish on the blue moon that the wish will come true before the next blue moon, but they must have a true love, be soul mates."

"I think we qualify for that, don't you?"

"Yes, I know we do."

I was ecstatic to hear him say that; it _must_ mean he thought he had a soul. "Do we need to say the wish out loud?"

"No, you can make a silent wish in your heart."

I took his hand and placed in on my heart. "You can make a wish on my heart, too."

He leaned over and gave me another soft kiss. I thrilled to the feeling of his lips on mine.

"Do you know what you are going to wish for?" He sounded amused.

I was taking this seriously. "Yes. I know exactly what I'm wishing for. What about you?"

"Yes." Edward lay down beside me, slipping his arm under my shoulder, and we both gazed up at the huge blue moon. It was so quiet. The only sound was the play of the gentle waves lapping against the pier. The Boathouse was dark, and it was the only structure on this stretch of the Bay, so it felt like we were the only two people in the world.

I looked into the night sky illuminated by the mysterious blue moon with one thought. 'I wish to be with Edward forever. Don't let anything separate us.' I didn't care if we had good times or bad times. All I wanted was to know he would be by my side. That was all that mattered. We could get through anything together.

I was still holding his hand over my heart and he leaned over and kissed me again.

"Now we have to wait until the next blue moon to see if our wishes came true," he whispered.

"When is the next blue moon?"

"New Year's Eve, 2009," he replied quickly.

"How do you know these things?"

"I enjoy a rare phenomenon, such as you, my angel."

"This has been a rare day. Thank you, Edward. I would be happy to stay in our cabin for 48 hours, but going into San Francisco was so much fun. You're the perfect tour guide."

He was silent for a moment and then he said, "What did you wish for?"

I laughed; did he need to know everything? "The same thing I always wish for; to be with you forever. What did you wish for?"

"You'll see soon enough. It won't take 'til the next blue moon for my wish to come true."

That made me think it must be something about the wedding. He was so eager to make me his wife.

"Will you let me know when it comes true?" I asked solemnly.

"Yes. You will be there," he said seductively.

I giggled. "You're an awful tease. You're really enjoying this, aren't you?"

"What's not to enjoy? You look so beautiful in this moonlight. Your skin is glowing and you look like some kind of magical creature."

"Well you ought to know one when you see one. You _are_ a magical creature. You're sparkling a little bit in this moonlight, too. Not the same as in the sunshine, but I can see some sparkle."

"I think it helps that you know what to look for," he said, a bemused expression on his face.

"You think it helps that I'm delusional."

"I know that helps." Edward brushed his fingertips across my cheek and I snuggled up against him. We looked up at the moon, filling the sky over our heads. It looked so close I could almost reach up and touch it.

"The Chinese believe that the man in the moon can tie people together with an invisible, silken cord," Edward said reflectively. "At the very moment they fall in love, he draws the silken cords together. Then, even if apart, sweethearts can watch the Full Moon at the same time and feel as if they are together."

"I'll try to remember that the next time I see the moon from my bedroom window if you're not there with me, but it won't be very long before I don't a have bedroom window anymore."

"Whatever do you mean, Bella?"

"Well, I won't have one, _we_ will have one. I'm really looking forward to that."

"So am I." His voice held conviction and I smiled at the sound of it.

We lay there for a while, not saying anything, just looking up at the moon. I thought about how different my life had become since I had left Phoenix and moved to Forks. It was the same night sky everywhere but I was not the same, and soon my life would be over and just beginning at the same time.

Edward propped himself up on his elbow and peered down at me. "You have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?"

I smiled and said sarcastically, "I have a mirror."

"Yes, but the shame is you do not see yourself properly. Shall I tell you how beautiful you are?" Then he leaned down and kissed me before I could answer.

I wasn't going to object to this, I thought as his lips moved gently against mine.

When he broke the kiss he looked down at me said tenderly, "You're beautiful because you're kind. You're always willing to offer help," and then he kissed me again.

"You're beautiful because you don't take things for granted. You know how to show your appreciation." He held my hand up and kissed my palm.

"You're beautiful because you're compassionate, you can't stand to see anyone in pain," followed by another kiss on my lips.

I was beginning to think I could manage to listen to this outrageous flattery if it was going to be accompanied by a kiss every time.

"You're beautiful because you're a good sport. You're always willing to take a chance and try something new, even when it frightens you." A reassuring kiss, gentle and soft.

"You're beautiful because you're generous, you're always giving." This kiss went on longer than the ones before, as he was trying to repay me for being so giving.

We were both breathless when he pulled away. "Are you beginning to understand just how beautiful you are, or should I continue?" he asked, the gleam in his eyes telling me there was no way I could stop him even if I wanted to.

"Do as you please," I replied softly, _you will anyway._

He smiled my favorite crooked smile before saying, "You're beautiful because you're brave; you have the heart of a lion." He slowly brought his lips to hover just above mine and then he said, "You know, lion is my favorite," and then he kissed me, hard and fast.

I had barely recovered from that when he said, "You're beautiful because you're loyal beyond what is reasonable." He lowered his head and placed a soft kiss at the base of my neck where my pulse was throbbing erratically.

"You're beautiful because you're sympathetic; you opened your heart to Rosalie, even after she had treated you so unfairly." A big kiss, his lips pressing against mine and lingering.

I clutched my arms around his neck and held on. I was getting lightheaded but it was oh so pleasant.

He sat up again and looked into my eyes with so much love. "You're beautiful because you're refreshing. Because I can't read your mind, you frequently surprise me with the things you say and do, and you do not have average reactions in any case." He kissed me three times, quickly in succession, giving me a little time to breath in between. At this point I was more interested in the feel of his lips than the words coming out of them.

"You're beautiful because you're sincere. You mean what you say, and it's so easy to tell when you're trying to lie," followed by a slow, sweet kiss.

"You're beautiful because you're genuine. There isn't anything fake about you." His fingertips stroked my cheek as he kissed me and then smiled.

"You're beautiful because you're patient. I know how hard it is to wait, and you make it look easy." This kiss was so full of feeling it left me weak and trembling. He was really spelling out for me all the things that he loved about me, in his own special way. There was no one else like Edward and I couldn't ask for a more tender, caring man. He seemed to know exactly what I needed to hear.

"You're beautiful because you're so forgiving. I know that better than anyone." Another slow, deep kiss; his cool lips had grown warm by now from all the contact with mine, and his icy tongue traced the shape of my mouth, providing a delicious contrast.

"You're beautiful because you're unique. No one will ever smell as good as you, have skin as soft as yours, lips as full and tempting…" his voice drifted off and he was looking into my eyes with such intensity I couldn't move, I could hardly breath. When his lips touched mine I felt lightening sparks shooting through my veins and I clung to him as tightly as I could as our lips moved together.

"You're beautiful because you're so trusting. You put your faith in me, even though I'm the greatest threat—"

I reached up and put my hand on his lips. "Stop it. You are no threat at all. You would never hurt me, you couldn't, and I won't let you say that."

He held my hand to his lips and kissed my palm.

"You're beautiful because you're my everything. You are my love, my friend, my family. You bring the sunshine, and when you are happy, I am ecstatic. When you are sad, I am miserable. When I am away from you all I can think about it getting back to you and when I am with you, I feel a peace I have never known before."

He buried his head in my neck and kissed his way from my ear down to my shoulder. I wondered if he was doing that to keep me from seeing his face after he said that, because I was trying hard not to cry and I think if I had looked into his eyes I wouldn't have been able to stop the tears from falling. It touched me so much that he thought of me that way. He had told me before that I was his everything and I was beginning to understand what that meant to him. He rested his head on my shoulder and just held me for a while until I regained my composure. I was sure he could tell when I had calmed down from how my heart was beating.

He sighed and then continued, "You're beautiful because you're stubborn."

I raised my eyebrows and the look on my face challenged him to explain how that could make me beautiful.

"If you hadn't been so persistent, I never would have been forced to reveal… who I am, and we would not be here today." His lips pressed against mine softly, almost as if it were our first kiss. I wound my fingers in his hair, tugging him closer.

When his lips left mine his voice was low and intense as he said, "Your slightest touch ignites a passion in me I didn't know was possible, and when you tell me that you want me…" and then he captured my lips in a fierce kiss.

He was holding himself above me, one arm around my back and one hand at my waist. As he deepened the kiss, my heart throbbed frantically. I covered his hand with mine, and started sliding it up smoothly over the thin material of my blouse, past my ribs until I came to the edge of my bra. That was enough of an indication of what I wanted, but I wouldn't force him. The next move would have to be his. I ran my hand up his arm to his shoulder, giving it a squeeze before I continued up to run my hand over the skin at his neck.

For a moment it seemed as if he stopped breathing, but he slowly moved his lips away from mine and said, "I love you, Bella, with every fiber of my being," before kissing me again, and moving his hand up to caress my breast. The silk of my blouse and lace of the bra hardly made any impression under his cool hand. I could feel his gentle massage and heard myself make some unknown sound in the back of my throat. He rubbed his thumb back and forth and I arched my back in response, trying to get closer to him as I parted my lips and he moaned, too. His icy tongue plunged in, thrusting and rolling, and he tasted so sweet. I was so happy that he was finally allowing himself to touch me the way I wanted him to, I thought I might lose my mind.

I could feel his hips pressing against mine and I struggled to get even closer to him. We kissed for an interminable time before he pulled away, both of us gasping for breath. He moved his lips to my neck and lower, burning a trail along my collarbone. He left his hand where it was though, I was pleased to note, as if now that he had passed that invisible barrier he was proclaiming his right to be there. I couldn't stop smiling and I hoped he could hear the joy in my voice as I said, "I love you, Edward, you make me so happy."

He raised his face to look down at me and his eyes were dark and blazing. The electricity that flowed between us was so strong I thought I felt the vibration shaking my body. "Do you understand now how beautiful and desirable you are?" he asked, his voice raw with emotion.

I couldn't speak but I blushed and nodded. Never taking his eyes away from mine, he started moving his hand down past my waist, over my hip, across my thigh until he took my calf in his firm grasp, rolled us to the side and pulled my leg up suddenly, hitching it over his hip bringing us closer together than ever. He lowered his mouth to mine again, his lips moving boldly. I couldn't help it, I just had to ease my tongue out to taste his sweet lips. I was almost positive I was losing my mind now. I saw fireworks and my body shook.

He pulled back and over his shoulder in the dark night sky and the deep blue moon there was a huge sparkling silver firework display. I gasped. "Edward, there are fireworks."

"There are always fireworks when you kiss me," he murmured. Another rocket launched and with a boom a large red chrysanthemum bloomed in the sky, shooting sparks in every direction.

He lay down on his back again and I snuggled against him as he wrapped his arms around me. "Do you like them? They are just for you," he said softly.

Another burst into view, shooting out a big white circle with little shooting stars flying down towards the sparkling water of the Bay.

"You are amazing." I couldn't believe this was my life, as I watched a brilliant golden rocket streak high in the sky before exploding and raining tiny sparks across the dark sky.

Then, one after another, three flares shot up and burst open, filling the sky with what looked like huge, luminous white dandelion heads silhouetted against the blue moon.

As quickly as they had begun, they were over. We lay there for a moment, watching the wisps of smoke trail away in the light breeze.

"That was so beautiful, Edward. How ever did you arrange that?"

"They are going to have fireworks here tomorrow night at the wedding reception, but we will not be here for that; we will be back in Forks by then. So I arranged for a little test firing to take place tonight, just for you."

"You have made this weekend unforgettable, Edward, simply magical." I reached up and traced his perfect lips with my fingertip. "This is a tough act to follow. How is the honeymoon going to top this?"

"I think I will be able to come up with something. You inspire me, you know."

I shivered in anticipation, quivering with the thoughts Edward inspired in me.

"Are you getting cold? Should we go now?" Edward's voice was velvet.

"I'm not really cold but we could go if you want."

He gracefully stood up and gathered me into his arms. "I can walk, Edward."

"When will you get the idea that I love having any excuse to take you in my arms? The planks in this old wooden pier are too rough and uneven to have you walking on them by moonlight. We don't want you tumbling into the bay now, do we? You are the perfect shark bait, you know."

I looked dubiously at the dark water as he made his way from the pier to the where the car was parked in a small lot by the side of the Boathouse. I didn't see any sharks but then I hadn't expected to see a white owl fly over my head, a gigantic blue moon, or fireworks, either. With Edward I never knew what to expect.

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**AN: _I hope you will review now and let me know how it's going. _I also want to give a big thank you to everyone who added _Blue Moon_ to their Favorite Stories List. That really helps spread the word and I am so appreciative. Big hugs all around for my lovely readers. The story is going through at least Sunday night, so there's plenty more to come.  
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**My beta, Ranma15177, has three great stories going right now, and you all should be reading and reviewing them. There is a link to her on my Favorite Stories list, and she's recently added new chapters to **_**Conversations with Emmett**_** and **_**Making A Home.**_** Her action/adventure fic, **_**Escaping Sol**_**, is a real thrill ride. If you aren't already on board, I urge you to scamper over there and check it out. **

**I'd like to express gratitude to my other beta, not done baking, a wonderful writer herself, for the valuable contributions she has made to this story.**


	31. Slow, Smooth and Easy

**AN: Sorry for the delay, I hope it was worth the wait. Thank you all for your lovely reviews for the last chapter, they really provide so much inspiration and encouragement and I am very appreciative of each and every one.**

**There's a new contest over at the Twilight Awards website and thanks to your votes, _Blue Moon_ has won the Best Overall Scene (Chapter 22, where they discuss everything honestly) category, and Best Characterization. A couple of my one shots were also nominated. Details about how to see all the nominees and winner are at the end of this chapter and on my Profile Page**.

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**Still Saturday night, around 10 p.m.**

**Chapter 31: _Slow, Smooth and Easy_**

My body just wouldn't calm down. I didn't need a mirror to tell me I was glowing like a light bulb. I knew my lips were swollen, too, but I didn't care. I felt almost high on the ride back to Manka's from the Boathouse pier. The feeling of Edward's lips on mine, and the way his words had washed over me had touched my very soul and my body was overreacting as usual where he was concerned. I was devoutly hoping he had whisked me away from the Boathouse pier to continue what he had started in the privacy of our lovely little cabin, where some articles of clothing might finally be removed.

This turning control over to him was working out even better than I had hoped. I could still feel the blood coursing wildly through my veins. Gliding swiftly through the night with Edward just inches away from me, he clasped my hand tightly in his. I tried to take deep breaths, knowing that if I appeared too flustered he would withdraw back into that familiar, cool exterior and all the progress we had made would be lost. Exhale. I wanted to believe all the things he had said to me; I knew he was sincere. That was the way he saw me; and he thought _I_ was delusional.

Edward had told me in so many ways today how important I was to him. If I had any doubts, they were well on their way to being gone. I wanted to be the way he saw me; I wanted to do anything to make him happy. A twinge of guilt for ignoring his warnings at the museum this morning still nagged at me. Was I destined to be an endless source of trouble for him? I guessed I would find out, because I refused to let him go and he seemed very determined to keep hold of me.

He parked in the lot next to the Lodge, came around and lifted me out of the car, setting me on the ground and put his arm around my waist. He started walking toward the Lodge, rather than sweeping me up and carrying me down to our cabin, as he had done so many times before, and I wondered why we were going to the Lodge.

"What's going on Edward? Why aren't we going to our cabin?"

We reached the porch and started climbing the stairs, which were brightly illuminated by the moonlight. "I wanted to do something before we retire for the evening," Edward said mysteriously.

"Is this another surprise?" I asked, trying not to sound annoyed.

"Not exactly. We're just going to have a bit of dancing," he replied lightly.

"Dancing?" my voice quivered. "You are aware that my dancing skills have not improved since Prom," I observed.

"I still enjoy holding you in my arms and moving to the rhythm of the music," he said seductively.

I immediately blushed but managed to say, "Well, when you put it that way, it sounds much better than what I was picturing," the sight of me tangled in my own two feet and ending up in a heap on the floor was rapidly becoming a dim memory, replaced by the idea of Edward's arms, holding me snugly against his broad chest.

I had no idea where we were going to dance, though, as the parlour and dining room were full of tables and furniture, and I hadn't seen space for a dance floor anywhere. My question was answered as soon as Edward opened the door and we stepped into the room.

The parlour had been completely transformed since we had left after dinner last night. The piano was still in the corner, but the sofa that had been in front of the fireplace had been moved to the wall near the piano and all the tables and chairs were gone, leaving a large, bare space for dancing. A small fire was still burning but we appeared to be the only people around.

"Edward, did you have them do this just so we could dance here?" I thought of all the trouble they must have gone through to rearrange everything and sighed.

"No, Bella. There was a rehearsal dinner here tonight for the wedding tomorrow, and they cleared this space for that event. Sally told me about it, and I decided to take advantage of it. By tomorrow it will all be back to the way it was when we arrived. They do this all the time."

I looked at the wide expanse of polished wood floor and thought about Manka's elves, and how they must work through the night to make all the magic happen. It's too bad they weren't vampires. I could hear the faint sounds of dishes being washed in the kitchen, but other than that the Lodge was quiet.

I was already feeling warm and the heat emanating from the fireplace was too much. I started to tug at the sleeve of my sweater coat and Edward immediately began helping me take it off. I had a feeling the rest of my clothing would not be removed this easily, but I would keep thinking positive thoughts. How hard could it be to get out of a cream silk blouse and black pants? The boots might take more than a moment, though, I thought with annoyance.

Edward hung my coat up on a rack next to the door and then removed his black leather jacket and hung it next to my coat. His dark gray silk shirt clung to his broad shoulders just the way I wanted to. He walked toward the piano, saying, "Would you like to hear me play something for you before we dance?" His eyes were bright and he looked at me eagerly.

I nodded. "Of course. I always love to hear you play," I replied, following along behind him, admiring this view of his perfect physique.

"Do you have a request?" he asked as he sat down on the end of the bench and pulled me down to sit next to him.

"No, play whatever you feel like, I'm sure I'll enjoy it."

His long, slender fingers touched the keys and began playing a happy, rollicking ragtime number, and I couldn't help but smile. I wondered if this selection mirrored his feelings; it certainly corresponded with the excitement I was still feeling. His hands flew across the ivory keys fluidly, striking each note with the perfect touch, neither too hard nor too soft. I wondered how long he had been a newborn before he was able to play without destroying the instrument with his unusual strength. I knew he loved to play and thought about how hard he must have struggled to regulate his touch enough to indulge in his passion. He made everything look easy and I knew he would devote all his time to helping me adjust to my new life.

When the last notes died away he said, "I loved playing music like that when I was a boy, but my mother would scold me if she heard it. She only wanted to hear me play classical pieces, but this was so much fun, I couldn't resist playing it when I thought she was out of the house. It was considered scandalous at the time because it was music played in taverns and other places where a lady would never be seen."

So he had been what would have been thought of as a _bad boy_ back in his human life, flaunting society's dictates for fun. Why did this not surprise me? "Does it make you feel scandalous to play it now?" I asked, tilting my head to the side and looking up at him from beneath my eyelashes.

Edward sat very still for a moment, his golden eyes darkening as he gazed at me, and then he pounced, wrapping his arms around me and bringing his lips to hover just above mine. "Words cannot describe the way I feel right now," he whispered just before he captured my lips in a slow, sensuous kiss.

I was tingling from head to toe when his lips released me and I leaned my head against his shoulder, gasping for breath.

"You asked for that, Bella," he said, his tone remonstrating.

"Yeah, you don't hear me complaining, do you?"

He threw his head back and laughed, which made me smile. He seemed so happy and relaxed, and I knew it was because of me. I wished I could make him feel like this all the time. He loosened his hold on me and ran his hands up and down my arms.

"You stay right here and catch your breath. I'll be back in a minute," he said, kissing the top of my head as he stood up.

I watched as his long legs strode through the parlour and disappeared around the corner, heading toward the dining room. A moment later I heard music begin playing in hidden speakers. It seemed like some sort of big band song I wasn't familiar with, but it had a dreamy sort of fluid rhythm, and I felt a little less apprehensive.

Edward returned and held his hand out to me. "Are you ready to dance now, my angel?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," I muttered, plastering a fake smile on my lips as I took his hand and stood.

"Do you trust me, Bella?" he asked as he slipped one arm around my waist.

"You know I do, it's my own feet I don't trust." I tried not to scowl.

"I've got you, I won't let you fall." He leaned forward and pressed his cheek against mine and I felt his frosty breath on my ear as he whispered, "And I'm not letting go of you, ever."

I shivered and clutched onto him even tighter. "I'll hold you to that."

He chuckled as he leaned back and said, "Just relax and follow my lead. Try to think less and let your body feel the music."

I just looked up at him, thinking if I followed his instructions I would probably get my legs tangled with his and we'd both end up on the floor in a heap. "I thought you didn't _want_ me to break an ankle," I taunted him.

"You are so silly," Edward smiled, shaking his head. "Listen to the music," he instructed, beginning to hum the tune, and sweeping me along with him as he began moving.

I hesitated and immediately stumbled but he had a firm hold on me and lifted me slightly until I got my bearings again. I tried to look down at my feet but he was having none of that.

"Look at me, Bella. It won't help you to look down. _Can_ you relax?"

I was still tightly wound from our session on the pier and relaxation via dancing seemed far from my frame of reference in any case. "I'll try," I replied with little confidence.

We began again, and this time I kept my gaze focused on his face and tried to feel the movement of his body against mine. After a few turns without tripping I realized I might survive this with all limbs intact. Maybe shutting off my freaky brain was the way to go.

"That's much better, Bella. I knew you could do it," Edward said encouragingly. "I thought you would be more comfortable dancing here because there is no one to watch you."

"You're right about that, I would be much worse if I thought people were looking at me while I'm trying to dance. This is a good song, what's it called?"

"_Moonglow._ The song was written in 1934, but this recording is from the forties. It's the Benny Goodman Orchestra. Very smooth, isn't it?"

"It's got nothing on you, Mr. Smooth," I replied, rolling my eyes.

He grinned broadly, showing all his lovely white teeth as his hips moved against mine. I was beginning to see why he enjoyed dancing so much. It was nice with just the two of us.

The music faded out and I was relieved, thinking we were finished. Edward had other ideas, never loosening his grip on me and beginning to move again as soon as the next song started, a few seconds later. I was trying to be a good sport, but just getting through one dance without a disaster was a record for me, and I was afraid of pressing my luck.

"I've never heard this song before, either," I commented as he deftly maneuvered us around the impromptu dance floor.

"It's another old song, called _You'll Never Know_." Edward began humming and then started to sing, softly in my ear. "And if I tried, I still couldn't hide my love for you. You ought to know, for haven't I told you so, a million or more times?"

He twirled us around the room and then bent me backwards, singing, "If there is some other way to prove that I love you, I swear I don't know how. You'll never know if you don't know now." His lips touched my neck with a brief kiss before bringing me back to an upright position and continuing our dance. I was a bit dizzy but I clung to him and let my body follow his while my mind wandered.

Today Edward had made it perfectly clear why and how much he loved me, and I finally understood that it wasn't just about my blood or my being human. Trying to understand the depth of his feelings for me was overwhelming, and I only hoped he understood how much he meant to me.

I had a feeling that if I looked up the word 'passionate' on Wikipedia that I would find a photo of Edward. I knew without a doubt that his photo would be on the 'dazzle' page. My mind wandered to a time in the near future when I wouldn't be so breakable and I could feel the depth of his passion, and maybe dazzle him back.

"What are you thinking, Bella?" my love inquired softly, gazing at me with a smile on his beautiful face.

"You want the unedited version?" I raised an eyebrow and gazed at him longingly.

"I want to know exactly what has made your cheeks turn such a delicious pink," he said, his voice low and seductive.

I gulped and my heart started fluttering wildly. "I was just thinking about how passionate you are and I was looking forward to the day when I could experience all of you, Edward, with no restrictions."

As he stopped dancing his eyes looked like my words had set them on fire. All of a sudden there was such a rush of heat through my body and blood pounding in my ears I couldn't hear the music any longer. I began to tremble.

He brought his cool cheek to rest against mine as he whispered, "I too am looking forward to that day, my love," and then he turned his head and pressed his lips against mine and I felt the spark race through my body. His lips moved hungrily against mine and I felt his icy tongue trace my bottom lip. I shuddered and gasped and he slipped inside, gently caressing my mouth.

The next moment his lips traveled slowly along my jaw line and down my neck, leaving a trail of fire everywhere they touched. This was where he usually stopped, but he continued kissing across my collarbone and then lower, along the neckline of my blouse. I felt his cool tongue lick the top of my breast and then his lips captured mine again. I could feel every inch of him pressing against every bit of me and it was a good thing he had such a tight hold on me because my legs stopped functioning as any sort of support mechanism.

This kiss was so intense my vision started to dim and my head swam. I was sure I was going to faint, but he broke away and put his palm against my cheek, saying, "Breathe, sweetheart."

I rested my head on his shoulder and caught my breath. "If this is you holding back I don't know if I will be able to handle you unrestrained," I muttered. I felt his laugh vibrate through his chest and snuggled against him, feeling happier than I deserved to be.

"I am glad you are finally beginning to understand why I have to be so careful with you."

The music changed again and he gave up on the pretense of my dancing and simply held me as he spun us around the room. My whole body felt so light I thought I might float away if he didn't have such a good hold on me. Edward began to sing again, "At last, my love has come along. My lonely days are over, and life is like a song."

He thought he was the lonely one, but I had been lonely, too, and I never wanted to experience that again.

"I found a dream that I could speak to, a dream that I can call my own. I found a thrill to press my cheek to, a thrill that I have never ever known. At last, you are mine, at last."

I leaned up and pressed a kiss against his throat, inhaling his sweet scent as I let my lips linger there. I longed for the day when we could go beyond only sharing kisses and the thought of the next few weeks stretched out in front of me like an endless road.

The sound of his voice, huskier than usual, brought me out of my reverie. "Bella, are you ready to go back to our cabin?"

"Yes," I wasted no time in replying. My resolve to be good was being sorely tested after all the sweet things he had said to me on the pier, and the way he had been holding me and swaying to the romantic melodies. I was hoping this musical interlude had been as intoxicating for him as it had for me.

Before we could move I felt a familiar vibration at my hip. Edward reached in his pants pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He glanced at it for a moment and then said, "Hello, Jasper."

I smiled until I saw the corners of Edward's mouth tense and he let go of me. "I need to take this outside, Bella. I'll only be a moment," he said, moving toward the door.

He stepped outside and I turned toward the fireplace, the flames almost completely burned down to glowing embers. I wondered what Edward needed to talk about that I couldn't hear; another in a long line of secrets Bella couldn't know about yet because she was still human?

The soft dance music continued to play and just then Margaret came gliding out of the kitchen and saw me. Her auburn hair was piled high on her head and her chef's cap was missing. She was dressed simply, in all black, making her fair skin look pale and glowing. She was taller than Alice, but her slight frame and the way she moved so gracefully reminded me of the little pixie.

"Good evening, Bella. Would you like a glass of wine?"

"No thank you, Margaret. I'm just waiting for Edward to finish a phone call," I hastened to explain.

"That's fine, dear. Let me know if you need anything. We heard him playing earlier; it was very lively. Do you think he will play again?"

"I don't know. We've been dancing but I think we're ready to call it a night," I said, hoping I looked sleepier than I felt. I was ready to go to bed alright, but not to sleep; now if I could just get Edward on the same page, my life would be complete.

"Did you enjoy the fireworks?" she inquired.

"They were fantastic," I gushed, feeling the blush creep across my cheeks.

"We stepped out of the kitchen for a minute to see them, too. The ones at the reception tomorrow night are supposed to go on for about a half hour. It's too bad you can't stay another night, but I do hope you drop by the Boathouse for the wedding before you leave."

I nodded as Edward returned, slipping his cell phone back in his pocket. "I'm sorry, Bella, but it was good news," he said quietly, coming over to where I was standing by the fire and taking my hand. "Good evening, Margaret, how are you?"

"Wonderful, Edward. Can I get you something to drink?"

"No, thank you, I think we are ready to retire for the night," Edward smiled at her and she beamed back at him.

We walked to the door and Edward took my sweater off the rack and held it out for me to shrug into. Just as we were leaving I saw the kitchen door swing open and Chef Daniel emerged, heading straight for Margaret. He grabbed her around the waist and they began moving effortlessly around the room in time with the music, their eyes locked on each other. It looked like something they had done many times before, and I was happy that I got to catch a moment of it.

The minute I was through the door and out on the deck Edward scooped me up into his arms and started down the porch steps.

"What was Jasper's good news?" I inquired as he started carrying me through the gravel-covered parking lot to our cabin.

"That maniac who tried to kidnap you this morning was arrested."

"Edward, already? What happened?"

"Our detectives spent the afternoon outside of his apartment, where he hid until nightfall. Then he staked out a dorm at UCSF and attacked a girl as she was trying to go to her room. He did spray the drug in her face and he grabbed her. Our detectives stepped in at that point and apprehended him. When the police arrived, the girl was still unconscious, but they revived her and she is willing to press charges."

"Is she going to be okay?" I asked nervously, sorry that she had to go through a traumatic experience like that.

"Yes, the detectives had to let him go far enough so that charges could be brought against him, but aside from losing consciousness for a brief time, she was not hurt. He will spend tonight in jail and we will do everything we can to make sure he is not released on bail. When the police search his apartment they will find evidence of other serious crimes and he should never have another free day."

"You saved her, Edward, and who knows how many other girls. I wish everyone could know what you did. You are such a good person; I'm so proud of you," I gushed. It was true; he was a hero.

"I would do anything to protect you, Bella, you know that."

"Yes, but this time you haven't only protected me; you saved that girl's life tonight."

"By proxy," Edward joked, setting me down on the porch as he unlocked the door to our cabin. "Jasper deserves some credit as well, you know," he added modestly as he turned his head away from me and appeared to be sniffing the air. He shooed me inside the door and quickly followed behind me.

As soon as he closed the door I threw myself against him, wrapping my arms around his waist and hugging him as tightly as I could, knowing no matter how hard I squeezed it wouldn't hurt him.

"Yes, I know, but it was your idea and really all your doing and I want you to know how much I appreciate it." It was really important for me to make sure he understood exactly how far from a monster he truly was.

Edward leaned down and planted a soft kiss on my lips before he said, "It is a relief to know he won't be able to hurt anyone else now, and this outcome is much better than the one I was envisioning when we were at the museum."

I loosened my hold on him and shivered slightly as he smiled at me. I realized we were still pressed up against the door in a room lit only by one of those amber world globes, and it cast such a dim light it wasn't even as bright as a candle flame. The fireplace was not lit, but I was not cold by any means. I pressed my palms flat against the hard musculature of his chest and stood on my toes to reach his lips.

His hands went to my shoulders before sliding up to rest at my neck. His cool hands felt good against my skin and when his lips reached mine they set off another spark between us and we were suspended in time for a long moment, the electricity crackling between us like a lightening strike. What we had felt in the darkened Biology class was nothing compared to this.

When Edward lifted his head he let go of me and I took a step back. We stared at each other, and I could feel something inside me coiling like a spring that was being wound tighter and tighter. I felt like an explosive cocktail made up of two parts Edward, one part Bella and a dash of unrequited lust. Dancing had done nothing to dampen my longing for him, if anything it had just made it worse.

My back was to the light and my face in shadow. I decided to take advantage of that, hoping to retain some dignity while practically begging him to be more physical with me.

"Edward, you know there are things we could do to relieve this tension…" I trailed off, looking at him hopefully and trying not to blush too much.

"Are you tense, Bella?"

I snorted. "Can't you tell? The way I twitch every time you touch me? I think I'm about to jump out of my skin."

He smirked and tried not too look too pleased with himself. "I have been relaxing the boundaries, have you not noticed?"

"Of course I have, and you've been wonderful. That's kind of the problem. I'm just saying there are more things we could do, without…"

"Without what?"

He wasn't going to be any help at all. I think he liked watching me squirm.

"Without crossing the line," I huffed, exasperated.

Edward sighed, took my hand in his and walked us over to the sofa. He sat down and pulled me into his lap, wrapping one arm around my back. "Bella, do you have any idea how much control it takes for me to be with you like this? I know I agreed that we need to get some practice in before the wedding, but I do have my limits." He ran his free hand through his hair, distractedly.

I grabbed his hand and held it in both of mine. "I'm sorry, Edward, but do you have any idea how much control it takes for me to be with you like this? I've already removed my clothing and offered myself to you on a silver platter, basically, and you haven't even taken your shirt off. This isn't a one way street, you know."

He groaned. "The sight of you, in all your glory, lying on that bed last night is an image I will always cherish, and the idea that you want me is literally driving me wild. Believe me Bella, it's taking every bit of self control I have not to make love to you this very minute."

"Oh, I see," I said, wondering just how close to the edge he was.

"The problem is, I'm afraid once I start I won't be able to stop. You are far to enticing and far too willing. That presents a deadly combination."

"So you're saying if I was less willing you would be able to have more self control?" I bit my lip and waited for him to answer.

He laughed and shook his head. "Unfortunately, no. If you were less willing I would probably find that a challenge and be even more tempted. It's a lose/lose situation for me."

"I'd say it was a lose/lose situation for me," I complained, knowing how difficult it was to get him to budge once he had made up his mind.

"There are many lose/lose scenarios where you are concerned, Bella. We can never be less than careful."

"You don't need to remind me that I'm human, Edward. I'm well aware," I said, trying not to sound too bitter. "I think I'll take a moment now, if you'll excuse me." I climbed off his lap and walked as swiftly as I could without tripping to the bathroom.

I switched on the light and examined my face in the mirror. I had embarrassed myself again, and with an unsatisfactory result. I knew it wasn't his fault, and I didn't blame him, but it was still very frustrating. Now I was worried that he was going to feel guilty for not giving in to my demands and I resolved to try to do something to alleviate the tension, even if it involved dancing again. Somehow I didn't think that would exactly solve the problem, but I was game for anything at this point. I was satisfied that he loved me, he was just being a gentleman and overly concerned about my safety. Considering he was a supernatural being I had to admit he had a point, even if I thought he would always be able to control himself.

I brushed my teeth and ran the hairbrush through my hair for good measure. I felt refreshed and not the least bit sleepy. I was ready for round two, whatever that might be. With Edward's moods I never knew what to expect, but he was never boring.

As I left the bathroom I heard the snap and hiss of the log fire. Edward had lit the kindling and already had a blazing fire going. He was standing by the fireplace and he had taken off his jacket; he watched me as I stood uncertainly in the bedroom.

"Come here, Bella," his velvet voice compelled me.

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**AN: I hope you will take a moment to leave a review and let me know how you think the evening is progressing.  
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**My lovely Beta, Ranma15177 was also nominated for some Twilight Awards, for Best Vampire Ability (her Escaping Sol Bella can temporarily access another vampire's powers) and Best Original Character, for her mythical Lillith. She's doing a terrific job, helping me with Blue Moon, too. Not done baking has also made a valuable contribution to _Blue Moon_ as my original Beta and she has some new stories online now.**

**Both _You'll Never Know_ and _At Last_ lyrics and music are by Mack Gordon and Harry Warren.**


	32. Blame It On My Youth

**AN: Another long chapter for your reading pleasure. _Blue Moon_ has been nominated in yet another contest, the _Romanctastic Round_ at the Twilight Awards, for Best Chemistry and Best Kiss. Link to vote is on my Profile page, along with the link to my _Blue Moon Photo Album._ You have to go look at the new pictures I uploaded, you will not be disappointed, I promise. Without any further delay, please read and review.**

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**Chapter 32: _Blame It On My Youth_**

_Late Saturday night_

I brushed my teeth and ran the hairbrush through my hair for good measure. I felt refreshed and not the least bit sleepy. I was ready for round two, whatever that might be. With Edward's moods I never knew what to expect, but he was never boring.

As I left the bathroom I heard the snap and hiss of the log fire. Edward had lit the kindling and already had a blazing fire going. He was standing by the fireplace and he had taken off his jacket; he watched me as I stood uncertainly in the bedroom.

"Come here, Bella," his velvet voice compelled me.

My body responded immediately to the sound of his voice beckoning me; my heart beat erratically and I found it difficult to breathe. What now, I thought as I slowly walked toward him. I could hear the soft, romantic big band music we had been dancing to earlier, now coming from the hidden speakers in the living room. I wondered if he wanted to dance some more, and thought that maybe this time I could trip on purpose, tangling my legs with his and bringing us both down. The idea of him top of me on the floor sounded great, but I doubted I would be able to pull it off. He was too graceful to ever let that happen.

As I got nearer he gestured toward the sofa and I sat down, curling my legs next to me. I couldn't keep up with his varying emotions and I decided to just give up trying. He began to pace back and forth in front of the fireplace like a caged tiger. I could tell he had something he wanted to say to me and I imagined he was having a hard time finding the right words. I waited patiently at first, glad to have another opportunity to enjoy his physical beauty, but as he continued pacing I started to get anxious.

I began to chew on the inside of my lower lip until finally I blurted out, "Whatever it is, just say it Edward, the suspense is killing me."

He stopped and ran his hand through his hair, leaving it in greater disarray than usual, but he still looked stunning. "I'm trying to find the proper way to apologize and I can't even do that correctly," he said, as if exasperated with himself.

"You haven't done anything you need to apologize for, Edward," I protested.

"I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say, Bella, and that is all my fault. I find this difficult to talk about, and I made a mess of it. The fact that I am having trouble controlling myself around you is in no way your fault, and I am not blaming you. You cannot help that you are so lovely and alluring and I did not mean to imply that you were doing anything wrong. Can you please forgive me?"

I groaned. "Edward, there is nothing to forgive, and if anything, you have just made yourself even more irresistible."

He looked relieved, but still concerned. "The way you stalked out of here frightened me; I was afraid I hurt your feelings."

"I was feeling a little bruised, but it's not all your fault, not by a long shot," I assured him. "I asked for it, and I know it's not easy to talk about. We're navigating in uncharted waters here."

"You are so forgiving, Bella. I sometimes wonder if there is anything I could do that you wouldn't forgive."

"I don't think there is, Edward. I love you unconditionally. There are things you could do that would hurt me, but I would forgive you… I couldn't live without you."

"I am so grateful you have given me the opportunity to make you happy, Bella. That's all I want."

"It's not very hard for you to make me happy, Edward," I replied, wishing he would sit down next to me instead of remaining by the fireplace.

"It seems like I manage to mess that up, though," he said in a low tone, looking away from me.

"It won't be long before we both get everything we want, and then it will be easier," I said, thinking of all the changes on the horizon that would make our human-vampire conflicts a thing of the past.

He shook his head. "You are amazing; you make it sound like we'll take a stroll in the park and then all our problems will be solved."

"I have to have a positive attitude, Edward, and you know I'm good at repressing the negative."

"I need lessons. I used to think I was good at repression, but you make me feel things I've never felt before and I am not so good at dealing with these new feelings," he said thoughtfully.

"I'm sorry, but I don't want to encourage you to repress those feelings," I teased.

"Now you are being naughty on purpose," he said reproachfully.

"Guilty as charged. What are you going to do about it?" I asked provocatively.

He nervously ran his hand through his hair and began to pace back and forth in front of the fireplace again. His hair was starting to look like he'd been through a wind tunnel and I thought about how I would like to run _my_ hands through it. "I have never felt more human, more alive or more like a seventeen year old boy," he said with agitation.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing, Edward?" It seemed like it would be a good thing, but his body language said something else. Watching him pause and look down at the floor before he spoke made me even more on edge.

"Both. I didn't expect to feel so happy, and it's wonderful, but I just don't know what I'm doing. You would think I would," he said as he raised his head and looked into my eyes, "but I've never even kissed a girl before you, Bella, and I've certainly never done anything else. I cannot afford to make a mistake with you."

"You don't mean you think being with me is a mistake, do you?" I asked quietly. I was always sure he was going to say this one day, but not _this_ day.

"No, of course not." He sank onto the floor in front of me and took my hands in his. "That's not what I meant at all. You are my everything, Bella, and I don't want to disappoint you."

"Is that what you're worried about? Because you don't need to worry about that, Edward, you're wonderful, believe me. You seem like you know exactly what you're doing," I said cautiously, not sure what to say. He always seemed perfect to me.

"Well I don't," he said harshly. "Although I feel like I'm seventeen, I also have to be the adult; I am responsible for you, for your happiness, for your safety—"

"Stop," I interrupted. "We're in this together. I feel responsible for your happiness, too, and as for my safety, we're both responsible for that. I'm not going to do something stupid tonight, and you're not going to hurt me. We don't _have_ to do anything, Edward."

"Yes we do. You were right; we can't just expect everything to go smoothly on our wedding night if… if we don't work up to it. I'm just so frightened."

I had seldom seen him so vulnerable, so exposed. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him everything would be okay, but I knew he was right. Neither of us had any experience, and the slightest mistake could be deadly. He had finally convinced me of that.

I leaned forward and ran my hands up his arms to rest on his shoulders. He felt so solid and hard, but he was so sweet to let me know on the inside he had weaknesses similar to mine. He sat up on his knees, wrapped his arms around me and we clung to each other. He started stoking my hair and said, "Your heart is beating so fast; I'm so sorry, please don't be upset."

"I'm not upset with you, Edward. I know that the two of us were made for each other, but it seems like nothing has ever been easy for us. Nothing except the way I feel when I'm with you. When you're holding me like this, nothing else matters. This is where I belong."

His arms tightened around me and he held me even closer, gently pressing his lips against my temple. "You never cease to amaze me, Bella."

"You're pretty amazing yourself."

He smiled my favorite crooked grin and I melted inside. I was suddenly inspired. "Edward, why don't we sort of try starting over? I'll quit trying to pressure you and you can stop worrying about what you _think_ we're supposed to be doing and just let things happen naturally. How about that?"

"Things between us happening naturally…" he raised an eyebrow and then smiled. "I know what you mean and I'm willing to give it a try."

He brought my hand to his lips and began kissing my wrist. I sighed contentedly and gazed into his golden eyes. It seemed like this discussion had reassured him and given him the confidence to test his self control after all. I wasn't going to argue about that, but I wouldn't overreact, either. I would try to be good and not make things harder for him, but where he was concerned it was a test on my self-control, too. The fire danced behind his bronze hair and the heat seemed to be coming from him. He leaned in and placed his cool, hard lips on my warm, soft ones.

I felt like I was in a dream, and I reached my hands up to hold on to his shoulders. After a moment he pulled away and gazed at me with such tenderness, I started to tremble, and he put his arms around me and brought me closer to him. I laced my hands behind his head and played with the hair at the nape of his neck.

"Every moment with you brings me more joy than I ever dreamed of Bella," he whispered. "I still find it amazing that someone as sweet and kind and beautiful and brave as you even wants to be in the same room with me," he admitted.

"You didn't choose your fate, Edward, it was chosen for you. You are in no way to blame for what happened to you, and you've made the best of it. You and Carlisle and Esme, I admire all of you so much. No one could ask for a better family. I will be so proud and so happy when I finally truly belong," I said sincerely.

His lips touched mine softly, sweetly, as if sharing something sacred with me and me alone. I remembered that I was the only one he had ever shared a kiss with, and I wished now that I could say the same thing in return. His next kiss was slow and full of tenderness. I could tell he was feeling extreme pleasure from this closeness, indulging himself in my warmth, my scent, the feel of my skin against his and this made me tingle with happiness.

Edward kissed me again, this time with more intensity and my pulse throbbed loudly. I was getting very warm and I started to struggle out of the sweater coat I was still wearing. He pulled back and reluctantly let go of me. I threw the coat off and leaned back against the sofa. My face was flushed and I knew it must be getting to him, but when I caught his eye all I saw was his eagerness for this new level of intimacy. I was so glad he was going to give us another chance tonight.

He took both my hands in his before he spoke. "After hearing thousands of thoughts about being in love and the physical act of love, the way I feel about you seems like a new discovery to me. Everything with you is brand new. I've never felt anything like this before, and you would think I would be prepared, but it's so unexpected and overwhelming. Would you tell me if I was doing something wrong?"

"You have nothing to worry about, Edward. Don't you know whenever you touch me I feel this spark that makes my whole body vibrate? When you kiss me, it's all I can do to retain consciousness," I freely admitted.

"Have you ever felt anything like that before?" he asked cautiously.

He must have been wondering about Jacob, the only other person who had ever kissed me. I had been such a fool. I loved Edward, and he was comparing himself to Jake, and that was my fault.

"No, when you kiss me it's like nothing I've ever felt before. It's hard to describe… fantastic doesn't begin to cover it. It's like this fire is burning inside of me, but in the best way."

His face relaxed and he seemed happier. "You're so warm, Bella, but I didn't know you felt that fire inside, too."

"I don't think it's temperature related. I think it's something I could never feel with anyone else, Edward, not in a million years."

"You were made for me," he said softly.

"I'm glad you realize that," I answered, just as softly.

He moved from the floor to sit on the sofa and drew me to him with no reluctance or hesitation. I leaned toward him and took his smooth, exquisite face in both my hands. Slowly I edged closer until our lips met and I felt them burn with an astonishing heat. His hands were at my waist and he carefully pulled me closer to him until I felt every plane of his hard body. He still held me as if I were some fragile piece of crystal that might shatter under too much pressure, but I could tell he was very much in control and I had nothing to fear from him.

Giving me a chance to breathe, he kissed along my jaw to my earlobe, nuzzling my neck and inhaling deeply. "Beautiful," he murmured against my skin. Gratitude welled up in me for his courage in giving us a new way to express our love for each other.

When Edward raised his head I looked into his liquid topaz eyes and saw the fire. As our kisses grew even more passionate I put my hand on the back of his neck and ran my fingers through his silky hair, tugging him even closer to me. He slipped his hand under the hem of my blouse and his cool fingertips slid across my back and around to graze my side, before moving up to rest his palm lightly against the lace of my bra. I had barely registered this when he curled his fingers inside the top edge and slowly moved them back and forth along my overheated flesh. That felt so good, I started to quietly whimper. When he started rubbing circles with his thumb on top of the lace, I gasped and his cool tongue darted in and caressed my own. The tenderness of his passion only intensified my desire for him. I wanted to be connected with him in every way, forever.

My head was starting to spin and I was afraid I was going to faint but I didn't ever want this moment to end. He moved his lips to my cheek and then I felt his breath in my ear as he whispered, "You are so lovely." He never seemed to tire of telling me this and I loved to hear it from him.

Gently he covered my neck with kisses. Then his icy tongue licked from just below my ear to the base of my neck, where he took a bit of skin between his velvet lips and sucked gently. I felt a surge of unfamiliar impulses that began in my legs and flowed upward through my whole body. I moaned and he increased the pressure as I squirmed beneath him, tugging on his hair and pressing him against my flesh. Shivers of pleasure ran through me and I could feel Edward's body tense against mine.

"Do you have any idea what that does to me, Edward?" I asked weakly.

"I am beginning to," he murmured, his cool breath hitting my skin and causing me to shiver. "You are mine, Bella."

Then his lips were urgent on mine in longer and stronger kisses and I began to tug at the top button of his shirt. His tongue curled into my mouth, teasing me with the slightest touch, like the little strokes his fingertips were making against my breast. I still managed to get three buttons undone before he suddenly released me and leaned back on the sofa. I was panting slightly and I was sure my face must be glowing crimson.

"We have to stop now. I can't do this, Bella," he said slowly, as if struggling to find the words.

"Yes you can, you're good at it," I breathed, still a bit hazy, but thinking a few words of encouragement might do the trick.

"Bella! Don't get me wrong. I have to admit I love watching you try to breeze right through Purgatory and take the express train directly to Hell."

"Well, I do my best to keep you entertained," I offered. "How about doing your part?" I teased, trying to stay positive.

"I am doing my part. I'm guarding your soul; someone has too," he said, sounding frustrated.

"Hmm… seems like I've heard that song before."

"Bella, every word I say to you has a weight and a meaning; I don't just talk to hear the sound of my own voice."

His voice. I could listen to him speak all day; it wouldn't matter what he was saying, he had the most beautiful voice. It lulled me into a sense of calm, but I knew he was trying to tell me something.

"Yes, Edward. I love the sound of your voice."

"Bella. I'm trying to be serious," he said, but the tone of his voice was light, as if he were trying to hide his amusement.

"I know; I'm listening." Now. I was trying to be coherent, which wasn't easy, given what we had just been doing. I leaned toward him again, reaching up to touch his cheek.

He took my wrist in his hand and brought it down to take my hand in both of his. His voice was suddenly low and intense.

"Bella, I know what you want, and I want it too. Don't you think I want to take you in my arms and never let you go? Don't you know it is torture for me that we can't kiss the way you deserve to be kissed?"

"You're doing fine in the kissing department, but I'm sorry, Edward, I wasn't thinking." I hoped he wasn't comparing himself to Jacob again. What else could I do to reassure him? Of course I wanted to be able to kiss Edward with as much passion as we both felt, and we both knew as long as I was human, that wouldn't be possible. I just wished he wouldn't blame himself.

"You're the only one I want to kiss me, Edward. I love everything about you. You make me happier than I deserve to be. Please say you believe me."

"I want to believe you, but you must be disappointed in me. The expression on your face says it all."

"Aaah! The expression on my face says, 'I'm Bella's face' and that's all."

"Well you know I can't read your mind and I have to get clues from somewhere, since you won't be honest with me."

The fact that he was right about this did not make me feel any better; I hadn't told him the whole truth about Jacob, about the future I had envisioned with him. I didn't want to hurt Edward any more than I already had. What could I say now? He was already in enough pain without me making it worse. I had to come up with something good.

"All right, I admit it. The fact is I'm disappointed this isn't our wedding night. This cabin is the perfect spot for a honeymoon, and I guess I got a little carried away, imagining what that will be like. Can you blame me? Aren't you looking forward to that night, too?"

Edward seemed to relax a bit, but he didn't look happy. "More than you know."

"Well, that's something we can agree on."

He abruptly stood and turned toward the fireplace. He seemed to be taking deep breaths. When he turned around again he asked softly, "Bella, can you remember a time when you tried to push me away?"

I gasped. What was he getting at? I could only remember the one time I slammed my bedroom window down, but that episode has been so brief.

"Just the once, when I discovered how you tampered with my truck to keep me from going to see… from going to La Push." I amended.

"No, you were right the first time; when I tried to keep you from going to see Jacob."

Was that what this was about? Jacob? He knew I had said goodbye to Jacob and made my choice. Neither one of us would ever forget that tear-filled night, I was sure of that. "I was very angry about my truck; but I got over it pretty quickly, didn't I?"

"Yes you did. I learned a valuable lesson, as well. That was a turning point for me. It was the first time you ever so plainly tried to shut me out. While I waited to see if you would open your window again I pictured my existence without you. It was too horrible to contemplate. I also hated what I had done to you. I couldn't stand to see you so upset and to know that I was the cause of it."

I was always so afraid of losing him that it was hard to remember he was afraid of losing me, even though he reminded me often enough. Jacob was not a threat, though. Jake was part of my past, and whether I liked it or not, that's where I thought he was going to stay.

"You forgave me so easily, but I was still so worried about your visits to LaPush. With Victoria on the loose and Alice unable to see you when you crossed into their territory, I was frantic trying to keep you safe and I went too far," he continued, his voice sounding calmer than his words.

"Kidnapping was a bit drastic; but I did manage to give Alice the slip anyway, and I was the one who learned my lesson then," I replied, remembering how Jacob had told me he'd rather see me dead than spend an eternity with Edward. It had hurt when he said it then and it still hurt to think about it now. I wondered how much of that had been about my becoming a vampire and how much of it was really about my being with Edward.

At the time I had insisted on seeing Jacob as my best friend and nothing more, but clearly he had been making other plans long before I had become aware of them. Maybe Edward had been right to try and restrict my visits with Jacob; if I had only listened to him back then, so many painful things could have been avoided.

"We both learned a lesson that weekend. Alice had told me how angry you were with me when you came back, and even before I talked to you I had decided if you needed to see Jacob I wouldn't try to stop you anymore. That is still true, Bella."

"I would still like to be friends with Jake, but I don't think he wants to be friends with me anymore. I'm not going to be in Forks that much longer, anyway, am I?"

"That is your choice, Bella. We can remain there as long as you like."

"You know what I mean, Edward. I can't stay there as a newborn, can I?"

A frown creased his beautiful brow. "No, that is true, but you can stay there as a human."

"That's not an option, Edward. Stop this. I won't have this discussion again. I've made my decision and you've promised and I'm holding you to it," I said emphatically, trying desperately not to lose my temper.

He leaned down and kissed my forehead and stoked my hair. "All right, calm down. I am just trying to understand you, Bella. Sometimes your actions and your feelings seem to contradict each other."

"I could say the same thing about you. I can't read your mind, either. I think we need to tell each other what we're thinking before we jump to the wrong conclusions."

"If it were only that easy," he said in a faraway tone. He paused and then continued with more conviction. "I want to make one thing clear, Bella… believe me, I want to be with you. You are the most beautiful, desirable woman I have ever encountered. Always remember that."

Edward's eyes were locked on mine and I watched them flicker as I felt the rosy flush spread across my face.

"Do you know why I was so eager to fulfill your wishes the last time we were in our meadow?" he asked quietly.

"You said it was because you were tired of watching me make everyone else happy."

"Yes, that was true then, and it's still true. I wish you would stop putting other people's happiness before your own."

"I'm working on that," I replied truthfully. I already felt more selfish than usual, running away for this weekend trip and deceiving Charlie in the bargain.

"I have not seen a great deal of evidence that supports that. You've been eating well for the past two days, but in the past week you've had no appetite, you've lost weight, and you cry at the drop of a hat. If that is what you are like when you are trying to be happy, I shudder to think what you are like when you aren't trying."

I was shocked into silence. I didn't even know how to respond to that.

"If planning the wedding is so unpleasant for you, I won't force you to go through with it," he said with a finality that was chilling.

"No, it's not that," I quickly exclaimed, "I want to get married now, really I do."

"If it is not the wedding, then what is it? What has been making you so unhappy?"

"I haven't been unhappy. It's just… well, planning the wedding has been stressful, and you know Charlie has been difficult."

"Bella… you know that by trying so hard not to say his name you just make it that much more obvious."

_Oh crap. Was I really that easy for him to read? He couldn't still be upset about Jake. Now what could I say? Yes, I'm unhappy about Jake. I'm miserable that I'm responsible for breaking his heart but I still love you more. That would go over well, I'm sure. _

"Alright, I don't talk about Jacob because I'm trying to be considerate of your feelings. I can't imagine you want to talk about him... why are you doing this now?"

"If he is occupying your thoughts, of course I want to talk about him."

"He's not occupying my thoughts." _Not while I'm with you anyway._

"While I was away hunting, you didn't think about him?"

"No, I thought about you. I spent the day with Alice, working on the CD for you, and all I did was talk about you. Ask Alice if you don't believe me," I said forcefully.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I believe you, but it's clear to me that Jacob is still on your mind, no matter how hard you try to pretend he isn't."

"I don't think about him all the time, but I _am_ worried about him. He's wounded and it's my fault. I hurt him, and I hate that."

"Did you know I told him if you chose him that I would let you go? I would not have stood in your way."

"No, I didn't know that. Why would you say such a thing?" I asked indignantly.

"Because I want you to be happy. I would have let you go, but I would not have stopped loving you. I would have been in the background, making sure he was treating you properly, and just waiting for him to make a mistake. Probably much the same as he is doing now."

"No, you're wrong. He's not waiting around for you to make a mistake. I made it clear that what you and I have is beyond anything I ever felt for him. He knows that even if something happened to you now, I would not turn to him. I still feel like he's my best friend but he will never be anything else, Edward. He knows that, too."

"Thank you, Bella." His eyes sparkled as he raised my hand to his lips and pressed a kiss into my palm. "So you are only concerned that he is in pain?"

"Yes, I'm responsible for hurting him; of course I'm concerned." He had to understand that.

"I see. I wish you felt that you could talk about this with me. It doesn't upset me, if that's what you were afraid of."

I searched his face and he seemed to be telling me the truth, but he was so adept at masking his emotions, I couldn't be sure. "I was a little worried that you would be upset, but besides that, I've caused you enough trouble without this, Edward. There isn't anything you can do, anyway. It's just something that I have to accept. I can't make everybody happy, no matter how hard I try."

"I believe that is a very valuable lesson for you, Bella. You will not always be able to make everyone happy, and frankly, I want you to put your happiness first."

"I did put my happiness first when I chose you. I think it's the most selfish thing I've ever done and I would do it again in a minute," I said brazenly.

He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me to him. "So, no regrets?" His lips were almost touching mine and I inhaled his sweet breath.

"I will always choose you," I gasped, holding very still and hoping he would put those perfect lips of his to use on something other than twenty questions.

That seemed to please him as he smiled briefly before moving his lips to meet mine. After a moment of kissing me gently he deepened the kiss and I could feel his intense delight as his long, artistic fingers knotted in my hair and he held me tight. His lips were as soft as velvet but he was firmly in control and I melted into him, glad that we could share this much closeness. When I needed to breathe he kissed my cheeks and my forehead before leaning back to look into my eyes.

"You are so good at this, Edward. It's hard to believe you've never had any experience," I said, doubt and insecurity coloring my voice, no matter that he had just told me how worried he was about his lack of knowledge in this area.

"In truth, you have had more experience than I have," he quickly replied.

My eyes widened in horror. He wasn't going to bring up Jacob again, not like this. I wished I had kept my big mouth shut, but it was too late. I was scrambling to come up with something to say when he continued.

"I didn't mean for that to sound so… I didn't mean to sound like a cad, I'm sorry," repentance evident in every syllable of his honeyed tones.

"Forget I said anything. It's just that it's so incredible to kiss you, Edward, and I… don't want you to be disappointed in me, because I really don't know what I'm doing," I admitted shyly.

"Bella, you're the most delicate, feminine creature I have ever seen. If what I do pleases you, you should know that you are giving me even more pleasure. Just being able to touch you and hold you is more than I thought possible. Why is it so difficult for you to understand how much I love you?"

"I don't know, Edward, I just went through my whole life up until I met you as the most plain, ordinary girl anyone could imagine," I explained weakly, knowing I sounded pathetic but it was the truth.

He stoked my cheek as he said, "I have to admit I am glad you didn't have adolescent boys chasing after you back then, but you seem to be able to accept that Jacob found you attractive. Why is that?"

I suddenly felt my stomach twist and I didn't like the way this conversation was going at all. The fact that it was my fault it started down this road did nothing to alleviate my discomfort. "I… I don't know." That wasn't true, though. I did know. I felt more like Jacob's equal; he was special, but also human and flawed, not perfect like Edward.

"Well, what did he tell you?" Edward was being persistent.

"I don't think that's something I should discuss with you. Would you like it if I talked about you with him?"

"That would not bother me at all," he replied with a confidence that could be mistaken for arrogance.

"So you think I would say nice things about you?"

"Wouldn't you?" He raised one eyebrow and watched me intently.

How did I get myself into this situation and how could I get myself out of it? "Wouldn't you rather hear me say nice things _to_ you rather than about you?"

"You drive a hard bargain, Bella. Can't I do both?"

"No. Besides, I don't want to talk about my friends now, I just want to be with you," I said, hoping that would satisfy him.

Edward sighed. "Perhaps this would be a good time to get ready for bed."

Hoping to lighten the mood I stood up and said cheerfully, "Would you like to help me get undressed?"

"Bella," he said in the warning tone I was so familiar with.

"Well, at least you can untie the belt in the back for me," I said, turning around.

"Yes, I can do that," he said, pulling at the ends of the ribbon sash and leaning forward to kiss the back of my neck, "but you'll have to do the rest yourself."

"Slacker," I said accusingly. I heard a low chuckle as I headed for the bathroom. Hearing that sweet sound made me feel better. If I could make him laugh even a little bit it meant he wasn't going to let his dark mood last.

I knew I had brought that mood on. It was my fault. I was trying to cross all sorts of boundaries and I knew I was going over the line, but I just couldn't stop myself. When he had his arms around me, and his lips burning on mine I didn't want to stop. Rational thought deserted me.

I felt like we were running, hand in hand towards that cliff in La Push and I wanted to speed up until we were leaping off the cliff and taking the plunge together. I wanted to drown in him, all of him. He overwhelmed all of my senses and I lost control.

Even though Jake had been able to kiss me without any restrictions, I had not felt completely out of control; Jake had not even come close to making me faint. I had been able to stop and come to my senses. The same could not be said when I got lost in one of Edward's kisses. If I was this affected when he was restraining himself, what would I be like when the restrictions were lifted? It didn't bear thinking about at the moment.

I took off all my underclothes and changed into my lovely blue pajamas; maybe I could get used to them. They certainly were soft and easy to sleep in. Alice had probably burned my holey tee and sweatpants by now.

Then I had an idea; I wondered what would happen if I removed my pajama bottoms and went into the bedroom wearing only the top? It was long enough to provide more than enough coverage. Without giving myself time to overanalyze the situation, I quickly slipped the bottoms off and swung the bathroom door open wide. Before I could even take one step into the room I heard Edward's voice.

"Isabella Marie Swan, do I need to call the fashion police? You seem to have lost your pajama bottoms. Do you need help finding them?" he asked pleasantly.

Oh good. He was going to try to make a joke of it. At least he wasn't shutting me down instantly. He also had changed into his pajama bottoms and the ever-present tee shirt. What I wouldn't give to burn _that _item of his clothing. When we were married I was going to insist he never wear a shirt when we were alone.

I arched my back against the door jam and tried to look as seductive as I knew how, which I imagined wasn't very seductive. "Sure, if you want to help me look," I tried to purr.

Edward seemed to be suppressing the urge to laugh. He was sitting on the bed and hadn't moved a muscle. "You're a fairly smart girl, Bella, I think you know where they are," he said evenly.

"Well," I said, eyes on the floor and slowly advancing towards the bed, "being a smart girl hasn't exactly gotten me to where I wanted to go."

He let out a low growl. I stopped in my tracks. I cautiously raised my eyes and peeked at his face, and although I couldn't fully read his expression, I could see that I had gone too far again. Oops.

"I think I just remembered where they are," I said, as I turned and dashed back into the bathroom, as safely as my clumsy feet would allow. His growl tonight didn't frighten me the way it did last night. I could tell it was just a gentle warning. The growl last night had terrified me, and yet, I had curled up next to him and went to sleep, and I still tried this stunt tonight.

Would I ever learn? It struck me that my version of trial and error was a bit like Russian roulette. Was there something fundamentally wrong with me? Did I really want to know? Edward seemed satisfied with me the way I was, so who was I to question it?

When I reappeared wearing both top and bottoms, he smiled. "Bella, remind me when we get home to call Lloyds of London and take out a million dollar insurance policy on your legs. They are stunning."

I smiled and he continued, "Don't you know how difficult it is for me to lie next to you all night, even when you are wearing pajamas?" He asked, a note of pleading in his velvet voice. I couldn't help it; I blushed.

He groaned and said, "It's agony, but even so, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Your skin is so soft, so radiant, I want to caress every inch of it," he admitted.

I climbed into bed and sat facing him. Edward's honey topaz eyes gazed deeply into mine. I reached for his hand and he twined his fingers with mine. "Edward, I love you. Please know that I always love you, no matter how many stupid things I do."

"I know," he said quietly.

"You know that I want to be with you, always, don't you? No one could ever make me feel the way you do. I just worry that I'm going to let you down someday, and do something to ruin your life."

"Bella, you must not think like that," he said sternly. "I have no life without you; I discovered that the hard way, and I would gladly give whatever I have to protect you and make you happy. I still worry that you are throwing your life away on me and will regret it, and then come to hate me someday," he admitted with anguish.

"No, no, Edward, you don't understand how much I just want to be with you, need to be with you. You are my life. I want to be with you forever, and I know what that means."

He tried to say something, but I put my hand against his lips to stop him. "I know what that means," I continued, "even though you don't believe that I do. I would rather have one day with you than sixty years on earth without you."

"You don't really know what you are asking for," he said with difficulty.

"I know you've tried to protect me from finding out the whole truth of your existence, but after dealing with the Volturi, hearing Jasper's story, and going through the war," he winced as I said that, "I feel like I have a better grasp of what's to come, but I know you're still afraid one day I will run away, screaming as I go."

He looked like he was in pain and I felt like a horrible person for bringing this up now.

"Please don't look like that," I begged. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for, love." He looked a bit calmer and he opened his arms for me to crawl into. I scampered across the bed and snuggled into his chest as his hands gently caressed my back and he kissed me softly on the cheek.

"I like how you're so affectionate with me, Edward. I think I crave it," I told him shyly, running my hand along his shoulder before coming to rest against his neck.

"I know I crave it. I always want to touch you, Bella, feel you next to me." He looked guilty and then he said, "I know it's awful of me, but I even hate it when you're away from me for a human moment." He smiled sheepishly.

That did surprise me, but it was good to hear. I returned his smile.

He looked hesitant, but continued. "When I'm waiting in your bedroom, and you're just a few feet away, taking a shower, it's all I can do not go in there and… join you," he said, his voice getting lower on the last two words. "You get more and more difficult to resist as the days go by."

I leaned my head on his shoulder and looked up at him as he held me, his cool fingertips sliding down my back and beginning to trace patterns on the silk fabric covering my leg.

"I am so looking forward to being Mrs. Edward Cullen, you have no idea," I whispered.

He laughed then, a hearty laugh, and he kissed my temple, saying "Oh, I think I do, my angel, I think I do."

I slid my hand around to touch his face and he lowered his lips to mine, kissing me gently. He lips moved slowly and deliberately, in contrast with my speeding heartbeat. I was trying to be good, but I could feel myself getting carried away.

I parted my lips and so did he, capturing my lower lip with his lips and sucking on it in a way that made me mold myself to him in an effort to get as close as possible. The fact that I wasn't wearing a bra tonight was obvious. His hand slipped under my pajama top and I could feel his cool fingers traveling all over the heated skin on my back and then pressing me tighter against him. Suddenly he let go of me, and we were both panting as we broke apart.

"I want you so badly. Right now," he gasped. His eyes smoldered. He quickly turned me around so my back was against his chest and I was sitting between the V of his stretched out legs. He wrapped his arms tighter around my waist and held me firmly. After a moment he stopped breathing and became as still as a statue. I didn't know what to say or do so I did nothing and decided to let him make the next move. My chest rose and fell as I tried to quiet my breathing. Eventually I turned slightly and rested my forehead against his throat and a few moments later he lowered his head into my hair and began to breathe again.

I twisted around a bit and leaned my head back so I could look into his eyes. "What was that about, Edward?" I asked softly. I had hoped I was about to be ravished and instead, the opposite had happened. I figured we had been going too far again, and I was glad that he didn't have to leave the room this time. That was some kind of progress.

He looked at me for a long moment and then he said, "Another version of mind over matter. I was doing in my mind what I cannot yet do with your body."

"Oh." The telltale scarlet flamed across my face instantly. He leaned forward and placed his cool cheek next to my flushed one.

"Do you do that a lot, Edward?" I knew I spent a lot of time thinking about him in that way.

"Yes, I do, but you are not usually in my arms at the time. Well, you're not usually conscious at the time."

I turned my head and he looked down as if I had caught him with his hand in the cookie jar.

"Is that what you do while I'm asleep?" If it was, it made me very happy to hear it.

Without missing a beat he raised his eyes to mine and replied, "What do you dream about, Bella?"

Now I looked like the one who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar and the flush that had started to fade flamed up again. I wondered how much I said when I was having those dreams about him, probably more than enough for him to figure it out. At least I could use the excuse that I was only human. If only our dreams could become reality.

"It's too bad we can't do one of those Vulcan mind meld things," I wisecracked.

He smiled, shaking his head as he resituated me across his lap and pulled the quilt around me. "How many times have you let Emmett force you to watch the _Wrath of Khan _?"

"I feel sorry for him; Rosalie refuses to even stay in the same room with him when it's on," I defended. "Besides, he's worn me down with DVDs of _The Next Generation._ I actually like that stuff now. I can even explain how the space-time continuum works," I bragged, thinking I could impress him.

He laughed and wrapped his arms all the way around me, hugging me to his chest. "I would love to hear your version of that," he said when he stopped laughing.

"Oh yeah? Well I'm not going to tell you now. All I will say is that the way Data explains it is fascinating. I think he's really cute," I added loyally. Emmett and I both liked Data.

He raised both eyebrows and narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean you think he's cute?"

He couldn't be jealous of Data, but he was giving every indication he was exactly that. "I think it's fairly clear what that means, Edward. He's sweet and loveable, and I like his voice, too."

"You are aware he's a cyborg who doesn't age, aren't you?"

"Yes, I seem to have a thing for guys who don't age," I said, tilting my head a bit and giving him a direct stare through my lashes.

"'Guys' implies more than one. I thought your attraction was singular," he said as if his feelings were hurt.

"It is, but that doesn't mean I don't have lots of fictional boyfriends," I assured him.

"What do you mean, fictional boyfriends?" he asked as if I had said I had two heads.

"Mr. Darcy, Colonel Brandon, you know, fictional characters."

"I am interested in the 'boyfriends' part." He was looking very serious now, and I began to wonder if he was really upset.

"Edward, you can't be jealous of a fictional character," I protested, when it was clear that he was. "I spend every night with you, you know," I tried to placate him as I rubbed my hand against his chest.

"What about the nights when I'm off hunting?" he shot back at me.

My eyes widened involuntarily and I knew I had given myself away. I did spend those nights with my fictional boyfriends, but this was just silly. However, it was better than him grilling me about Jacob. I hoped we had put that subject to rest forever.

"They aren't real, Edward. Besides, no one can compare to you." I thought that would silence him, but I was wrong.

"You have compared me to them?" he asked, sounding shocked.

"No, that's not what I meant," I struggled to explain.

Edward started laughing. He had been teasing me the whole time and I fell for it. I didn't know whether to be mad at him or relieved I wasn't going to have to try to explain anything else. I wanted to smack him but I knew it would probably hurt me more than him.

"Do you know what the British would say about your current behavior?" I demanded.

"No, but I would love to find out," he leaned closer and his breath fanned in my face, causing my heart to speed up of its own accord. He always smelled so good.

"They would call you a love rat," I told him, sounding less angry than I meant to.

He chuckled and said, "I do not recall ever reading that phrase in Jane Austin."

"It's from _Bridget Jones' Diary,_ and it suits you to a tee." I tried to give him a stern look, but it wasn't easy, with the way he was breathing down my neck.

"You are so adorable, I could just eat you up," he growled low and nuzzled his nose against my throat.

I squealed and gripped his shoulders with both of my hands. "Edward…" I giggled.

His icy tongue darted out and touched my neck lightly, several times. Then he blew his cool breath on my skin and the feeling was incredible. I shivered and felt a flame shoot through my center at the same moment.

"Oh… my… _Edward,"_ I gasped.

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**AN: Please leave a review and let me know what you thought about this chapter. THANKS, and be sure to check out the new photos I uploaded to the Blue Moon album '-) **

**If you like Edward in this chapter, you have my lovely Beta, Ranma15177 to thank. She keeps me in line and I'm eternally grateful. She has also been nominated, so please vote for her too. I especially hope she wins for Best Vampire Ability (her Escaping Sol Bella can temporarily access another vampire's powers) and Best Original Character, for her mythical Lillith. She's doing a terrific job, helping me with Blue Moon, too. **

**Not done baking has also made a valuable contribution to _Blue Moon_ as my original Beta.**

**For those of you who haven't been checking Stephenie's quotes of the day, leading up to Breaking Dawn, here's what we have so far:**

1. Alice: "I'll play you for it. Rock, paper, scissors."

Edward: "Why you don't you just tell me who wins?"

Alice: "I do. Excellent."

2. Bella: "Oh, Mike! How will I go on?"

3. Tanya: "Ah, Edward. I've missed you."'

4. Emmett: "Oooo, scary."

5. Bella: "Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?"

6. Charlie: "Bells, we're up to bat."

7. Edward: "You're awfully small to be so hugely irritating."


	33. One Thing Leads to Another: E & B POV

**AN: My lovely Beta, Ranma, is involved as a member of the wedding party for a ceremony that takes place on Saturday and she's been very busy this past week. She says she's going to be walking down the aisle with a bouquet in one hand and _Breaking Dawn_ in the other. Thank you for all the lovely reviews you have left in the past, and now, on with the story.**

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**Saturday, not quite midnight**

**Chapter 33: _One Thing Leads to Another_**

**Edward POV**

I had just admitted to Bella that my passion for her was almost uncontrollable, and that I had sexual fantasies about her. Did I ever… all day I had been finding ways to tell her and show her how much I loved everything about her. Making love to her was only the next logical step, but when had there ever been anything logical where our relationship was concerned? Naturally she blushed, which did nothing to help my problem, and I carefully laid my cold cheek against hers, savoring her warmth. What bliss.

Amazingly, Bella seemed surprised by my confession. Didn't she comprehend how badly I wanted her? Or was she just teasing me? Two could play that game. I decided to let her know I was aware of the amorous dreams she had about me and that only served to increase her blush. She was delectable.

I was highly aware that she had abandoned the bra she usually wore to sleep in, and I was sorely tempted to run my hands over her soft flesh and fully grasp what I had only been able to graze with my fingertips earlier. I could accomplish it in a flash, and I had a feeling she would not object. The only thing separating our bodies was a small length of silk fabric and my willpower, and the way she pressed herself against me made me wonder which one of them would come undone first.

Then Bella tried to make a joke about a Star Trek maneuver that would make us of one mind. It wasn't only her mind I wanted to access and I couldn't hide my amusement at her attempt to lighten the mood. She thought I was laughing at her and became offended. I could not take this seriously and decided to show her what it was like to be teased. I purposely pretended to be jealous of her fictional boyfriends and she believed me, as if I could ever be jealous of a man conjured out of ink and paper.

When she started to become uncomfortable I knew I had taken my teasing far enough and I began to laugh with genuine amusement. My subterfuge had worked even better than I thought it would, and she flushed again when she realized I had only been pretending to be threatened by her literary beaus. She made a delightful expression, somewhere between relief and confusion, and then her eyes flashed with annoyance. She looked like she was carefully calculating my punishment but I was not overly concerned; I still had my arms wrapped around her and I knew if she tried to be too severe I would deliver my own retaliation. I had to wonder which one of us would be more pleased with that eventuality.

"Do you know what the British would say about your current behavior?" she inquired forcefully.

"No, but I would love to find out," I told her, leaning closer and letting my breath fan in her face. Her heart immediately sped up and I knew I was halfway to charming her again.

"They would call you a love rat," she finished weakly.

Bella was so sweet I just had to chuckle; where did she come up with these terms? "I do not recall ever reading that phrase in Jane Austin."

"It's from _Bridget Jones' Diary,_ and it suits you to a tee," she said as she made a pathetic attempt to look intimidating.

I could resist her no longer. "You are so adorable, I could just eat you up," I growled low and nuzzled my nose into the tender flesh at the base of her neck. The scent wafting from her soft skin was ambrosia. This was so worth whatever we had to go through to be together.

She let out a spirited squeal and grabbed at my shoulders with both hands. "Edward…" she giggled, clearly enjoying my attentions.

I had to sample her sweet flesh. I let my tongue dart out and touch her neck lightly just once, then again and again; so delicious. I blew my cool breath on her skin and held her tightly as she shivered against me as I hoped she would. Every nerve in my body was straining to maintain control against this onslaught of her femininity. I told myself this would have to be enough for now.

"Oh… my… Edward," she gasped seductively, as her heart sounded like it would beat out of her chest.

I was almost undone. Now I wanted to taste every bit of her. I took my fingertips and carefully undid the first button on her pajama top and her body tensed. I pushed the loosened fabric away from her neck and slowly ran my tongue along her collarbone, from one shoulder to the other. Heavenly. Exquisite. Mine. Something stirred deep within me and I repressed a shudder.

She had chosen me and she seemed very sure of that decision. Tonight I had given Bella every opportunity to tell me if her feelings had changed, but she remained steadfast. Knowing this, that she wanted me and only me… her scent was so intoxicating, my resistance was crumbling fast.

Her legs when she opened that bathroom door… I could be arrested for what I was thinking. Well, perhaps not arrested, but Charlie would certainly tar and feather me if he knew what I wanted to do with his daughter right now. I wanted to slide my hands over every inch of her glowing, fragrant skin, and then let my lips follow suit. Being alone with her like this was such a bad idea; what was I thinking?

This train of thought had to stop. I sat up and brought her palm to my lips. "You taste too good," I told her as I pressed my lips against the flesh of her small, delicate hand. This was the hand she had injured on that mongrel. Even now Bella wanted to be his best friend.

My angel was too loyal for her own good. He would still hurt her, given the opportunity. It might not be his intention, but he would. She was too forgiving, too trusting, too vulnerable. She did seem to be clear about her feelings for him, though. I didn't detect any confusion where he was concerned but there was still some apprehension. I fought to quell the anxiety I felt; there was still something she was holding back, but I couldn't figure out exactly what it was and it was threatening to spoil this special time.

I needed to concentrate on the fact that Bella was here with me, of her own free will, and she was expressing the feelings Jasper had assured me of right before we left on this trip, love and longing. She made me feel… special, like I was not alone any longer in this cold, cruel world. She inspired feelings in me I didn't even know were possible. I wanted to cherish and protect her with every fiber of my being, and she needed someone with my abilities to do just that. A mere human would not be able to take care of her as she needed to be cared for. I wondered if this need would carry over into her new existence. I knew I would want to watch over my sweetheart and care for her whether it was necessary or not. She would always be a delicate flower to me, with the most alluring aroma and silkiest petals. I had to get out of this bed before I forgot I was a gentleman.

Holding her right hand in my left, I looked at the rings we had found this afternoon at the museum gift shop. "I am so glad you agreed to accept this ring, Bella. I think it suits you very well."

Her deep brown eyes opened wider and I felt like I was falling into them. Then she said brightly, "I like that we got matching rings. I never thought I would, but I do."

I grinned, hearing my Bella say those two words again. _I do._ I don't think she even realized she said it, but that didn't matter. She was enchanting without even trying.

"There is another gift I would like to give you, for our engagement," I said carefully. I knew how she hated gifts and anyone making a fuss over her, but she had been so good on this trip, I was emboldened to broach the subject.

"You know you don't have to get me anything, Edward. I have you and you are more than enough," she said sweetly.

"I feel the same way about you, love, but it is traditional for the groom to give the bride an engagement gift."

"Well, we're not exactly a traditional couple, are we?" She looked very satisfied with her question, thinking I would accept her point and give up.

"No, we aren't, but there are still some traditions I would like to follow."

"Please don't get me anything else, Edward. I have everything I want," she said with renewed determination. She wasn't going to make this easy for me. I would have to change tactics.

"Wouldn't you like to make me happy?" I knew this was low, but it was the only chance I had and I would use whatever was necessary when it came to her well being.

"Of course I would, more than anything," she immediately responded, just as I had calculated that she would.

"Then let me get you a new car," I said as I gazed deep into her eyes, hoping she would be the least little bit dazzled.

"I don't need a new car," she managed to huff, but she did not look away, and I thought I still had a chance.

"Bella, that truck is running on its last cylinder. It's not safe. It doesn't have airbags, and you know how those logging trucks speed through town. If one of them were to hit you in that truck…" I let my voice trail off and hoped that my words would make an impression on her. I could tell she was considering my proposal. I redoubled my efforts.

"You cannot imagine how much I worry when you go out in that truck without me. If something happens to you when I'm not around… Bella, please, I would feel so much better if you were in a car with appropriate safety features--"

"Safety! You can't imagine how tired I am of hearing about my safety. If you say that word one more time I will scream," she said, looking as threatening as she knew how.

Her eyes were flashing and her cheeks flushed; she looked glorious. I knew she was exasperated, and I didn't blame her. However, I couldn't resist teasing her, she always had such an adorable reaction. My eyes were brimming with mischief, and I couldn't stop myself. Very quickly I hissed _that_ word.

"Safety."

Instead of screaming she burst out laughing and grabbed a fistful of my tee shirt. She would never stop surprising me. "You are incorrigible, Edward" she said, smiling and shaking her head.

I decided to press my advantage and leaned into her. "Will you think about it? For me?" I let my breath drift toward her. She inhaled and looked a bit confused. I moved closer and kissed her cheek, then along her jaw to her ear.

"Say yes, sweetheart…please," I pleaded shamelessly before kissing the tender spot just below her ear lobe.

"Yes," she exhaled.

I began to cover her face with kisses. She was so soft, so lovely, and she was mine. I could feel the blood rushing to her face as my lips attempted to caress every inch of it. Her warmth was so inviting. I was drawn to her full, perfect lips, and lingered there, savoring the moment. She made me so happy, and I could feel my yearning for her increasing, dangerously. I pulled away and looked at her, gasping and eyes closed, her long, thick eyelashes resting on her flushed cheeks… so extraordinary.

"Thank you, Bella. I know you love that truck, but I think you will be happy with the car I have in mind for you, and I will be able to have some peace of mind when you are driving without me."

She slowly opened her eyes and blinked a few times. "What just happened?"

"We're discussing your new car, angel."

She groaned. "Alright, I give up. Just nothing too fancy or flashy; something solid and reliable, okay? I can't even believe I'm going along with this… you don't play fair, you know that, don't you?"

"You don't play fair either, love," I said, kissing the tip of her nose and smiling broadly.

"You are so beautiful when you're happy," she smiled back at me. "You sparkle from the inside."

Silly girl; she was the beautiful one here. I wrapped my arms around her and held her against me again. I could stay like this forever.

**Bella POV**

I loved the way he was holding me so close. Snuggling into his chest, I pressed my nose into his tee shirt and tried to inhale as much of his incredible scent as I could. I thought about what I had just agreed to and how happy it had made him. My truck wouldn't last forever and I knew I wouldn't be taking it with me after we got married anyway. Accepting a new car was still not my choice, but I would try to be gracious about it, remembering the way he glowed when I said 'yes.'

"Do you want to take a bath before you go to sleep?" He asked gently.

"Only if you join me; that's a huge tub, Edward, there's plenty of room."

"Do not tempt me, Bella," his velvet voice held an edge of roughness.

"I thought that was my job," I said as I leaned back and looked up into his face.

"Not yet," he said, and the look in his eyes was so intense I almost trembled. He brought my hand to his lips and pressed a kiss into my palm that sent a spark straight to my heart.

"I think that is why you were put here on earth, though, Bella. I was sure you were a temptation sent to destroy me when you first arrived in Forks," he said quietly, his eyes never leaving mine. "I am looking forward to the day when you present a temptation I do not have to deny myself."

"I… I'm looking forward to that day, too, believe me," I said breathlessly, thrilled that he and I were finally of a single mind and that he would admit to looking forward to my being a vampire. I wondered just exactly what had happened to bring about this change. I couldn't put my finger on anything in particular that I had said or done.

So many things about today had been like a dream. I had crossed the line several times but he had been so sweet and understanding. Well, not after the museum incident. He had been more stern and serious than usual, but even so, he had made it clear that he was only concerned about me. I had no doubt about his feelings when he kissed me then; just thinking about that kiss made my pulse race.

After patting my back for a moment he said, "I think you have low blood sugar and need a midnight snack; let's see what Margaret has prepared for you." He gently disengaged my grip on him and got out of bed.

Low blood sugar. Well, he would probably know. He took my hand and led me into the living room where I noticed a large silver tray on the dining table. He tossed a couple of pillows on one end of the sofa and said, "Make yourself comfortable," as he let go of my hand and went toward the dining table to retrieve the food.

Stretching out with my back against the pillows, I propped my bare feet up on the arm of the sofa. I couldn't be anymore comfortable unless I was resting on Edward.

He came back and set the tray down on the rectangular coffee table. I looked up at his face and his beautiful topaz eyes were trained on mine with a singular focus. I suddenly felt the air in the room change; it became charged with that electrical current that flows so deeply between us. As he walked away from me toward the end of the sofa I felt the hairs on the back of my neck start to stand up. He was stalking me like a cat and his eyes never left mine.

I felt my heart thump unevenly as he stood near the arm of the sofa where my feet rested. He just stood there, staring at me and that prickly sensation started to dance across my skin. He was breathtakingly beautiful in the flickering firelight. We listened to the sound of the fire crackling and hissing and one of the larger logs burned in two, falling heavily onto the grate. I lay there frozen, unable to move a muscle. I had no idea what he was going to do next and the anticipation was killing me.

Never taking his eyes off of me he leaned forward and lightly touched the tops of my bare feet with his cool hands. I shivered slightly as he slid his fingertips around to grasp the backs of my ankles firmly. His hands were so cold but they felt so good. Just his touch on my skin was making my heart beat faster. He slowly slid his hands inside the legs of my pajamas along the back of my legs, squeezing my calves and pausing at the tender flesh on the backs of my knees.

My insides were melting at his cool touch and I started to take quicker, shallow breaths. I had no idea the back of my legs was an erogenous zone. I had a lot to learn. Of course with Edward, maybe every place he touched me would be an erogenous zone.

He had slowly been moving his upper body closer to me, leaning lower and lower as his hands made their progress on my legs, the silky pajama fabric pooling around his wrists as more and more of my legs were revealed. The butterflies had left my stomach and were running riot through my whole body. I didn't think I could hold still much longer, my body feeling the need to make some sort of movement but mesmerized by his touch and his eyes on me.

I loved the coolness of his hands as they caressed the heated flesh at the back of my knees. I was feeling sensations I couldn't ever recall feeling before and overload didn't begin to cover it. Edward slowly moved his hands a little higher, spreading his fingers across the skin above my knees and I suddenly began to giggle. It was an involuntary reaction and it seemed disconnected from my thought process. He paused and studied my face as I started to laugh.

Smiling, he was amused at my reaction. I couldn't decide if I liked him better when he looked intense and brooding or when he smiled, with a sparkle in his eye as he was doing now. I felt so happy, gazing at him like that, I laughed louder and then uncontrollably.

Edward began to laugh too, and as the tears started streaming out of the corners of my eyes he let go of my legs and moved over next to me, collapsing gracefully on the floor and draping his arm across my stomach. He began to laugh with me and it was the most beautiful sound. We both continued to laugh, louder and louder and he threw his head back and had the most captivating smile on his face. My sides started to hurt and I was gasping for breath so I gradually calmed myself until I was just making small giggling noises.

When we both regained our composure he reached over and brushed a stray teardrop off my cheek and said quizzically, "That was not exactly the reaction I was expecting, Bella."

I couldn't stop smiling. "It was not the reaction I was expecting, either. I don't know what happened… except I think it was a form of sensory overload," I admitted, my pulse still racing as all those unfamiliar feelings continued flowing through my body. I had not fully recovered from his touch.

"Interesting," he said, running his fingertips along my forearm.

"Very," I nodded. "Your hands felt so fantastic… no one has ever done that to me, Edward. I liked it, a lot, but you were so intense and I just had all these feelings I didn't know how to deal with… and they were mixed with this overwhelming happiness, and I just started laughing," I finished, hoping he would understand.

"You are so beautiful when you laugh like that, and to think that I was able to provoke that response in you… you seemed to be filled with pure joy," he murmured.

"Hmm, it was pure something, that's for sure," I agreed, thinking he had evoked more than joy. I was still unable to calm down and my body now wanted to be in motion or in contact with his somehow. "What had you intended to provoke with that little trick, Edward?"

"I was acting on impulse… I saw you stretched out like that and I just wanted to touch you. I want to feel every inch of your silky skin, Bella. You are so gloriously enticing."

I groaned. He was going to kill me, saying things like that. I could not remain still any longer. I twisted my body toward him and put my hands on his shoulders. His arm that had been stretched across my stomach slid around my back and under my pajama top, his cool fingertips caressing my warm back and sending a chill up my spine. His other hand rested on my arm, fingers gently massaging my skin.

"I want to touch you all the time, Bella, believe me. I will never be able to get enough of you."

I could feel the blood hurtling through my veins and I felt like I was about to burst out of my skin. "I want to touch you too, Edward. So much so that I think… I just love you so much," I said softly, waiting for him to kiss me.

He made no movement, except for his fingers caressing my arm. I realized he had felt safer positioned at the end of the sofa, his hands on my legs. Our current proximity could prove to be much more dangerous, if he wasn't ready to expand our boundaries.

At this point my feelings were so confused I didn't know exactly what I wanted but I knew it involved Edward being in contact with my body. I tried to remember what he had told me when we first arrived… I should just do what I wanted and he would stop me if I went too far.

"I love you too, Bella," he said, his voice low and husky.

I leaned toward him and he swiftly closed the distance between us, his lips caressing mine, slowly and sweetly. He brought his hand up to my cheek and pulled away, saying, "We came in here so you could have a snack, not be a snack."

I tilted my head and gave him a look that I hoped could interpret as one of disappointment.

He turned to the tray on the coffee table and lifted the lid off to reveal a variety of little triangular toast points covered with different toppings, most of which I couldn't identify. They all looked delicious, if somewhat mysterious.

"Do you know what these are?" I asked, not having a clue.

"Why don't you taste them and find out?" His eyes were twinkling. He was enjoying my confusion.

"You know, don't you? You just won't tell me," I complained.

"I like seeing you discover things for yourself," he explained, picking up one of the tasty morsels and holding it out to me. "Open wide," he commanded.

"I can feed myself."

"ButI_ want_ to feed you. Humor me, please."

I felt extremely silly, but it was impossible to refuse such a request from him, especially when I looked into his devastating golden eyes. I opened my mouth.

He slid the bite into my mouth and I felt a rich, creamy mild flavor melting on my tongue, and then an explosion of a sweet, fruity jam provided a welcome contrast. The crispy toast made the perfect texture compliment.

"That may be the single best thing I've ever tasted, and I have no idea what it was. Do you?"

Edward laughed, looking delighted. I frowned, thinking how it took so little to make him happy.

"I thought you liked it; why are you frowning?"

Rather than explain I said, "I'm waiting for another bite."

"My, we are impatient tonight." He popped another bite into my mouth. As I chewed he said, "You are enjoying a rare treat, even for Manka's. This is their very special, all organic goose liver pate with quince jam."

"Oh my goodness. Didn't I read somewhere that they were outlawing this stuff?"

"Yes, but Margaret and Chef Daniel are outlaws of a sort; Daniel said as soon as he heard there was going to be a ban on it, he felt compelled to serve it. He was ecstatic to make some for you. So here you are," he said, placing another morsel on my tongue. "Enjoy it while you can."

"You know you are overfeeding me; I'm beginning to feel like the fatted calf," I said, intending to tease but his mouth became tense and he looked away from me.

"I am sorry, Bella, I never meant to make you feel that way," he said stiffly.

I immediately regretted by choice of words. "It's just an expression, Edward. I've never eaten this well in my life, I'm not used to all this rich food, that's all I meant," I hastily explained, reaching out and placing my hand on top of his.

He looked at me then and smiled, but I could still see the hurt in his eyes, no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

"I'm ready for another bite." I squeezed his hand. "Do I have to feed myself?"

"Are you sure you're hungry?" He looked skeptical.

"Yes, this stuff is fantastic and I want to eat it all," I assured him, ready to polish off the entire plate if that's what it took to bring the light back into his eyes. It did taste phenomenal; it wasn't like this was punishment.

"Here," he said, bringing another bite to my mouth. I began chewing and he said thoughtfully, "It's just that you've been losing weight and two pounds on you shows up like twenty pounds on Mrs. Cope. You are so tiny," he said as he spread his hand across my waist, thumb on one side and index finger stretched to the other.

"See… my hand can encompass your waist. You need to eat more," he instructed.

"Edward, it's not that I'm so small, it's that your fingers are so long," I protested, grabbing his hand and holding it between us. I ran my fingers along his. "You have such beautiful hands, anyone could tell by looking at them you play the piano. Of course they couldn't tell how well you play, but still—"

"Are you trying to flatter me, Bella?" His smile was genuine now, and his topaz eyes sparkled again as he closed his hand over mine.

"It's not flattery if it's true." My aim had not been flattery anyway, it had been distraction, and it seemed to be working.

"I am afraid the only thing these hands want to play with now is you," he said languidly, lightly running his fingers along my thigh as if playing the concluding chords of a concerto. I stopped breathing for a moment and fought the instinct to tackle him to the floor. He was going to drive me crazy.

Then he brought his hand up to hover over a bunch of deep purple grapes and pulled a couple off. He held one between his thumb and index finger and brought it up to my lips. He slowly closed the distance and let it fall into my open mouth. I managed to catch the tip of his index finger in my teeth and I looked directly into his eyes as I felt my heart skip a beat.

His eyes were smoldering and he looked as if he was waging some sort of internal debate with himself. I released his finger and bit into the grape, releasing its delicious juice in my mouth.

I wondered if he knew how incredibly erotic I found this. If he thought feeding me like this was going to take my mind off of him he was so wrong. Did he even know what he was doing? Telling me I was the only thing his hands wanted to play with… he had to know what that did to me, no matter how inexperienced he claimed to be. He couldn't have ever done this with another girl. That made me wonder about several things.

"Edward, you've never been alone in a cabin with a girl before, have you?"

"Not a human girl," he replied instantly.

Well that surprised me. From the expression on his face it looked like it surprised him, too. He recovered quickly.

"I just mean I've been alone with Esme and Alice many times."

I didn't think that was what he had really meant. He looked a bit too flustered for it to have been so simple a meaning. My mind immediately went to Alaska and Tanya. Had he been alone in a cabin with her? I knew he hadn't been feeding her grapes; that much was certain.

He said he was totally innocent, but I still had to wonder. He was so incredibly attractive. Irresistible. I surely wasn't the only one to find him so. Before I could say anything else he withdrew his hand and moved away from me.

Edward rose from the sofa. "I think you could use something to drink, Bella." He took a bottle from the mini frig and I heard a cork pop. He returned with a small goblet of sparkling liquid and I took a sip.

"This is not sparkling cider," I sputtered, the tiny bubbles stinging my nose.

"No, it's champagne. I don't want your first taste of champagne to take place at our wedding reception; there will be enough firsts going on then."

"And lasts," I added under my breath as I took another sip. It was very enjoyable. I felt a smile appear on my lips, almost involuntarily.

He shot me a look, but only said, "I thought you would like champagne. Only the best for you."

"Edward, I'm really enjoying this; the way you're feeding me, plying me with champagne, but I'm confused. Are you trying to seduce me?"

He looked shocked at the suggestion. "I didn't think I had to try; I thought you were intoxicated by my very presence."

"No, it must be the champagne," I quickly answered; it wasn't, but he didn't need to know that.

Now he looked hurt, and began to pout, jutting out his full lower lip, making it even more irresistible.

"You know I'm teasing, Edward. If this is you not even trying, I can't wait to see what you'll do when you are trying."

His lips turned up in a slight smile but there was a sad note in his voice when he said, "I won't be able to feed you grapes, then."

"Oh, so you do have plans?" I wasn't going to let him be sad now, or ever if I could prevent it.

He smiled and looked at me with his eyes smoldering again. I gasped. I guess I would be able to tell when he was really trying. I started to blush and he brought his hand up to touch my cheek.

"I have many plans for you, Bella. In fact, all my plans revolve around you. You are the center of my universe; please always remember that. As far as I am concerned, you are the only woman in the world."

It was a good thing I was sitting down because my knees were so weak I'm sure I would have collapsed when I heard his velvet voice say something so sweet to me. I only hoped I didn't disappoint him.

"You are really spoiling me this weekend, Edward. Aren't you afraid I will get used to this and expect it all the time?"

"That is what I am hoping for. I love seeing your face light up; I want to spend the rest of my days making you happy."

"I'm enjoying all this, but you don't have to do anything special to make me happy. I'm happy just to be close to you," I said, putting my now empty champagne glass down and crawling over to where he was sitting. I draped myself across his lap and put my arms around his neck.

"That's what I am afraid of. It makes me happier than anything to hear you say that, Bella, but we are so close to the wedding, to getting everything we want, I do not want to do anything to jeopardize that. You are too special, too delicate, for me to allow anything to happen that would damage you in any way."

I groaned.

"Please don't be naughty. You cannot imagine how difficult it is for me to be close to you like this and not take advantage. I want to kiss you senseless, do you know that?" He sounded exasperated.

I immediately blushed crimson and giggled. Just hearing him say that sent the butterflies scampering through my midsection and I felt lightheaded. Unbelievably I heard my voice say, "Tell me what else you would like to do."

Edward's arms were loosely wrapped around my back and they subtly tightened, bringing me closer to him. "I am not sure about the advisability of that, Bella."

"How dangerous can it be to just talk about something?" I was going to be relentless. If he wasn't going to do anything at least I wanted to hear about what he would like to do.

He looked into my eyes and then reached up and untangled my right arm from around his neck and brought my wrist up to his lips.

"I would begin like this." Edward began kissing my wrist lightly, and worked his way up my arm. His lips burned as he pressed them against the soft flesh inside my elbow. He continued to trail hot kisses up to my shoulder and then the base of my neck. I felt faint and he hadn't even reached my lips. He held my hand in his and I could feel him massaging it with his thumb. My angel pulled his head back and looked into my eyes again.

"That is how I would start, but I think the rest should be a surprise," he said softly.

"You are the biggest tease ever," I managed to gasp. "Let me tell you, for future reference, that's going to work like a charm."

* * *

**AN: Okay, how about that review now? Last one before _Breaking Dawn_ comes out; feel free to leave your prediction for what happens in_ Blue Moon._ We've got even more Tanya coming up in the next chapter, too, I promise.**

**I uploaded some new pictures to the Photo Album; link is on my Profile page. All of your enthusiastic votes have brought me two more Twilight Awards for Best Kiss and Best Chemistry as the First Runner Up _(that's the cool way of saying second place)_. I'm still thrilled; thanks a million, you guys rock.**

**My Betas are the best. Ranma15177 and not done baking both deserve first place awards. Check out their stories too, you'll be glad you did.**


	34. The Time For Sleep Is Now

**AN: I'm sorry if my last Author's Note left anyone with the impression that I wouldn't be going on with this story. I have it written out through the conclusion in rough draft form (and I don't have to change a thing). I will be posting chapters when they are ready. To get back to the story, it's late Saturday night…**

**Chapter 34: _The Time for Sleep is Now_**

"_I would begin like this." He began kissing my wrist lightly, and worked his way up my arm. His lips burned as he pressed them against the soft flesh inside my elbow. He continued to trail hot kisses up to my shoulder and then the base of my neck. I felt faint and he hadn't even reached my lips. He held my hand in his and I could feel him massaging it with his thumb. He pulled his head back and looked into my eyes again. _

"_That is how I would start, but I think the rest should be a surprise," he said softly._

"_You are the biggest tease ever," I managed to gasp. "Let me tell you, for future reference, that's going to work like a charm."_

Edward smiled my favorite crooked smile and looked very pleased with himself. I could tell he was finished with his demonstration but he had only managed to make me want to feel his lips all over my body. I desperately needed a distraction since I knew I couldn't budge him if he had decided we would go no further.

"I'm thirsty. Can I have another glass of champagne?"

He cocked an eyebrow and looked at me intently. "Are you sure? I don't want to be responsible for getting you drunk."

"I'm not anywhere near drunk," I assured him. "That's a very small glass," I pointed at the slim flute on the coffee table, which I estimated couldn't hold over two ounces.

Amusement shone in his golden eyes. "That sounds like something you would say even if you were drunk, but I admit it does not seem to have affected you much," he said as he slid me off of his lap and gracefully rose from the sofa. He picked up the glass and walked over to the dining table where I noticed the bottle was resting in a small silver ice bucket. "One more taste shouldn't hurt you."

I was watching his back as he walked away and I stretched my arms over my head, feeling full of nervous energy. I then brought my arms down to rest on the sofa. My left hand slid down between the back of the couch and the cushion I was sitting on, and I felt something soft and furry. I glanced down and in the dim light saw the face of a mouse looking up at me. I snatched my hand back and sprang up off the sofa and sprinted for the door, wanting to put as much space between myself and the mouse as possible.

"Bella," Edward called urgently, "what are you doing?"

"Mouse," I shouted as I flung the door open and darted across the threshold. My momentum carried me across the darkened porch until I ran smack into the rustic wooden railing, dimly illuminated by the moonlight. I slammed into it and let out a "Oof," sound and then "Ow," as I felt a stab of pain in my stomach where it had made contact with the rough wood.

Edward was right behind me and he scooped me up in his arms and carried me back into the cabin so quickly it made my head spin. He slammed the door and leaned against it. "What possessed you to run out there like that?" he demanded, sounding mystified.

"There's a mouse in the sofa cushions," I explained, clutching a handful of his tee shirt and resting my spinning head against his shoulder. I pointed at the couch while glancing around to make sure it hadn't scampered down to the floor.

"Why did that make you run outside?"

"It startled me. I don't want a mouse crawling on me," I explained.

"A mouse will not hurt you," he said soothingly.

"Well I don't want to share the sofa with one," I muttered as I tried to hide my face in his shoulder.

"Perhaps you _are_ drunk. There is no mouse in this room."

"There was one. I saw it and I felt it," I insisted.

"If there was a mouse here I would hear its heartbeat. I hear nothing."

"Maybe it's dead," I suggested, the idea that I may have touched a dead mouse sending a shiver up my spine.

He continued to hold me in his arms as he walked to the sofa. He leaned over and reached his right hand between the cushions and pulled out the mouse.

"See, I told you. Edward, don't get that thing near me," I squealed as he held it next to my knees.

"It's not alive Bella, it's stuffed."

"What?" I asked blankly as I looked at the small, lifelike creature.

"Margaret has an unusual sense of humor. She enjoys taxidermy; you saw the bat and the tarantula in the Necessary Room?"

"Yes," I replied, "our excursion to that particular location is unforgettable."

He smiled broadly and then said, "I'm not sure how this mouse got between the sofa cushions, but there is a stuffed squirrel in the entertainment cabinet, next to the CD player. Margaret's little joke."

"Oh, alright then, you can put me down now," I said, embarrassed that I had been fooled by a stuffed mouse.

"Are you sure? I don't mind holding you," he said with a smirk barely concealed on his face.

"I don't mind it either, but I think I got a splinter when I ran into the porch railing."

He groaned and set me down on the hearth in front of the fireplace; the warmth felt good on my bare feet. He held on to my arm and looked at my hand as he asked, "Where is the splinter?"

I looked down and saw some small, sharp pieces of wood lodged in the fabric of my pajama bottoms. I pointed, and Edward dropped to his knees to get a closer look, setting the mouse down on the coffee table. It looked right at home next to the silver tray my gourmet treats had been on.

"Don't move, be very still," Edward ordered as his eyes scanned the material.

"Do I have permission to roll my eyes, or would that be too much movement?"

He ignored my sarcasm and said, "We have to get those splinters out of the fabric before they become embedded in your skin."

"Or I could just take them off," I offered hopefully, tugging at my pant leg.

He didn't move his head, but his eyes rose to meet mine and I could tell my suggestion was not even going to merit comment.

"Stay here, I'll be right back," he commanded, rising and swiftly going to the bedroom closet.

I thought it would make splinter removal go faster if my pajama top wasn't in the way, so I took the hem of my top and twisted the edge into a knot on my left side side, effectively getting it out of the way and exposing part of my stomach in the bargain.

Edward returned with a first aid kit but he paused when he saw my new state of undress.

"I'm just trying to make it easier for you to see the splinter," I offered.

He sighed and then opened the first aid kit and rifled through it, extracting a pair of tweezers. "Put your hands inside the waistband and hold the fabric out, away from your body," he instructed and he knelt before me again.

I did as he suggested and he carefully began pulling the splinters out of the silky fabric and dropping them onto the silver tray my midnight snack had been on.

He ran his hand lightly over the fabric and seemed satisfied. "That's taken care of. Now let's see the real damage."

I began to roll the waistband of my pajama bottoms down and I watched as Edward's eyes followed my hand movements. When I had exposed about two inches worth of skin below my navel, the splinter became visible. I could feel it boring in to me, but I couldn't look at it, fearing I would be sick, so I watched Edward's face and I could see the tension in his jaw.

"It's a large splinter. I think we should call Margaret, she is a doctor you know," he said, getting to his feet in one fluid motion.

"Edward, it's midnight, I don't want to call Margaret now. Besides, you said she's a neuropsychiatrist. We don't need a brain specialist to remove a splinter; she's a little overqualified."

"No one is too good for you. She's a doctor and a chef, she's used to performing all sorts of delicate tasks, and she could easily remove this splinter," he insisted.

"No," I was adamant, stamping my bare foot on the hearth. "You can't call her now; I would die of embarrassment. You can take it out. You've been to medical school, it's just a splinter."

"I don't want to hurt you, and this requires a light touch," he hedged.

"You have a very light touch, Edward. Just give it a try," I pleaded.

He looked at me for a long time, clearly weighing his options. His right hand moved involuntarily to run through his hair a couple of times. It was such an unconscious gesture, and he looked so young and innocent when he did it, vulnerable, and human. It was as if he were so completely distracted by his thoughts he was unaware of the disarray in which he left his already unruly locks. My instinct was to throw myself into his arms and run my hands through all that thick, luxurious hair, too, but I stayed very still, knowing he wouldn't be happy if I gave into that instinct.

Finally he sighed and said, "Alright, step into my office," as he gestured toward the sofa.

"Oh, can I call you Dr. Edward?" I giggled.

"Since this is our first visit, Miss Swan, I think we should remain on a more formal basis. You can call me Dr. Masen," he intoned seriously as he switched on a lamp next to the couch.

"You'll have to excuse me, Dr. Masen, I was raised in a barn," I said, playing along as I sat down.

"Sadly the younger generation is somewhat lacking in the intricacies of proper etiquette, but I understand you have a wound that needs immediate attention. May I take a look at the area please?"

I started to roll my pajama bottoms down again and he said, "I think you need to lie down for this, Miss Swan. I am going to need you to hold very still while I remove this offensive splinter. Can you do that?"

"Whatever you say, doctor; I trust you," I said cheerfully as I lay down on the sofa and adjusted my pajamas to expose the splinter.

"That's good. Keep your hand there, holding the fabric. I'm going to have to use a needle to break the skin so I can get a grip on the splinter with the tweezers. It's going to hurt," he paused, his professional manner melting away as he looked into my eyes.

"I'm not worried; you can do it." I smiled at him reassuringly, not wanting to think about the needle at all.

"You have more faith in me than I have in myself; I hope it isn't misplaced."

"It isn't, Edward. You would tear your own arm off rather than hurt me."

Suddenly his face was looming over me and his lips on mine startled me at first, but I quickly realized this was one of Edward's slow, sensuous, unrestricted kisses, with that something extra that only he could provide. I threw myself into it with abandon, hoping he could feel how very much I loved him. I brought my hands up to his face, caressing his cheeks as his cool tongue delicately made a slow sweep across my lips. I gasped and he blew his breath into my mouth, flooding it with the sweetest scent. Then his tongue made contact with mine and began its amazing massage. I struggled to get closer to him but his strong hands were on my shoulders, holding me still. He lowered his chest to meet mine, though, and I was grateful for the satisfaction that contact brought.

As his lips continued their passionate assault on mine, and my head began to swim, it dawned on me that he was trying to kiss me senseless, something he had expressed a desire to do not that long ago. I opened my eyes and tried to shake my head "no," while pressing my hands against his chest as hard as I could. He immediately let go of me and gazed down at me with concern all over his beautiful countenance.

"Are you alright?" he asked as he searched my face.

"Yes, just barely," I gasped, "but why were you trying to make me faint?"

He looked guilty and said, "I thought it might make the splinter removal less painful for you if you were unconscious, but I must be losing my touch."

I started laughing. "Oh, you've still got your touch, and you can do that anytime, I would just appreciate a little warning. I don't need to be unconscious for you to remove that splinter."

"Am I going overboard with the protectiveness?"

"You? Never!"

He smiled, some of the tension in his face fading a bit. "Perhaps you _should_ have that glass of champagne now."

"For medicinal purposes?" I piped up, grinning.

"It should make you a bit more relaxed," he said as he rose and went over to the table where he had left the glass when I ran out of the room earlier. He brought it back and I sat up and took a sip. The bubbles weren't so stinging this time, and I took a big gulp, downing the glass.

"Alright then." He took the glass out of my hand and set it on the coffee table next to the silver tray. "You can squeeze my hand if you want, Bella."

I nodded and took his left hand in mine. It was so firm and strong, I wouldn't exactly be squeezing, it would be more like holding on, but it was the thought that counted. I knew he hated doing anything that would hurt me, even if it were a pinprick.

"It's alright, it's just a splinter. Go ahead, I'll survive," I smiled encouragingly at him.

"You're always so brave," he said softly, just before he leaned over and kissed me lightly. A lock of hair fell over his forehead, making him look even more attractive.

"Dr. Masen, this is a vast improvement in your bedside manner," I teased when he moved away. I was starting to feel very warm and a little dizzy.

"I'll show you some bedside manner when I get this splinter out," he mumbled under his breath, turning his focus to my stomach.

I felt myself blushing and closed my eyes. That seemed to help a bit with the dizziness but I still felt unusually warm.

"Hold very still." His hand hovered over me for a moment and then I felt a sharp stab and I gasped and bit down on my bottom lip. That did hurt.

"I'm sorry, but hopefully that will be the worst of it. It isn't bleeding. I think I can get a good grip on it, and …" his voice trailed off as he concentrated on pulling the splinter out. "Got it."

I opened my eyes to see him turn and put the splinter and the tweezers down inside the first aid kit and bring out a tube of antibiotic cream. "Just a dab of this, and you will be as good as new," he said, squeezing some cream onto my stomach. He carefully massaged it in where he had removed the splinter. His cool fingertips on my abdomen were completely erasing any memory of the recent pain.

"That feels good, doctor. Do you think I could get you to become my personal physician?"

"I'm not really taking on any new patients right now; this was an emergency, so I made an exception." His fingers continued their gentle circular movement below my navel. It was all I could do to hold still.

"You don't know what you're missing; a doctor could get rich off of me. It's a rare month when I don't need a cast or x-rays. I think I'm overdue for a complete physical. Won't you reconsider?"

"You do make a tempting offer, Miss Swan. Perhaps I could schedule an appointment for you about six weeks from now?"

"Oh no, that would be too late. I think I need immediate attention."

"You've just had all the immediate attention you're going to get tonight, Miss Swan," he said as he removed his hand and started closing up the first aid kit.

I sighed but remained where I was. "What happened to that bedside manner you were going to show me?"

"I did show it to you, and you seemed to be enjoying it," he said as he dragged his fingertips across my stomach once again before standing to replace the kit in the closet.

"Yes, I did, but it ended too soon," I grumbled to his back as I readjusted my pajamas to their normal position.

Edward swiftly returned, sinking gracefully onto the sofa and pulling me into his lap. I nestled into his chest, and he tucked my head under his chin, wrapping his arms around me securely. At some point while I was receiving medical attention the CD of romantic music had ended. Now the only sounds came from the fireplace, and I glanced at it, appreciating the warmth it provided while I was trying to glue myself to Edward's cold, hard body. He began to run his hand over my long hair, from my crown to the ends and I relaxed even more.

"You did a good job, Edward. You need to have more confidence in your abilities," I said softly.

"The next time something frightens you, how about letting me know instead of rushing out into the night and injuring yourself?"

"Hey, my escape plan was working until someone threw that porch railing in front of me," I tried to claim with a straight face.

His teeth gleamed in the firelight. "You will never cease to surprise me, will you?"

"I hope not," I said, snuggling deeper into his chest and watching the flames leap and dance in the massive fireplace as his fingers continued to play with my hair. He began to gently massage my scalp just above the base of my neck and I felt the tension from the whole mouse episode start to drain away.

When next he spoke his voice was low and dreamy.

"I could do this for hours. You have no idea how soft and silky your hair is, do you?"

"Um… no, I don't think my hair is that special. You just don't have anything to compare it to."

He was silent for a moment and then he said matter of factly, "Tanya has hair."

If he hadn't been holding on to me so tightly I think I would have fallen off of his lap from shock. "What? I thought you said nothing happened with Tanya," I gasped, when I finally found my voice.

"That is correct, but I still know what her hair and skin feel like, and they cannot compare with yours."

I found that hard to believe, but what I was most curious about was exactly _how_ he knew what her hair and skin felt like. Skin? I hadn't said anything about skin. I leaned away to look into his eyes. They were warm butterscotch, and he seemed cool and calm, not agitated at all, while I was getting more and more worked up by the second.

"If nothing ever happened, how do you know these things?" I asked quietly, struggling to keep from shouting.

He twisted a piece of my hair around his fingertip for a moment and the suspense was killing me. I wanted to scream, 'just tell me,' but I kept my lips pressed firmly together, waiting, while my pulse pounded furiously. Was he doing this on purpose to make me suffer?

"My family has spent a good deal of time in Denali, and Tanya is a seductress. That's what she does. She offered herself to me many times, and some of those times were more… physical than others. I think after a while, she merely saw me as a challenge, because she was not used to getting turned down. In any case, she made sure I knew what her hair and skin felt like, but that's as far as it went. I never voluntarily touched her, and I rebuffed her advances as soon as I could."

"You never kissed her?" I held my breath, waiting for his answer.

"No. I was always able to avoid that. You are the only one I've had the desire to kiss."

I sat silently for a minute, digesting this information. It was more than he had ever said about Tanya, and it didn't exactly thrill me to hear that a professional tramp had thrown herself at Edward, over and over. I could just picture her, rubbing herself up against him, tossing her hair, and the more I thought about it, the madder I got. Before I could say anything, Edward spoke again.

"You're jealous, aren't you?" He sounded astonished.

"Well what if I am?" I snapped. "It sounds like I have reason."

He smiled and said, "I think you are adorable, but it is silly to be jealous over something that never happened."

"You just said she offered herself to you and made sure you knew what her skin felt like." Just the thought of her touching him made me livid. I wanted to strangle her.

"But I rejected her, and all that happened before I… fell in love with you. You have nothing to be jealous about, although this display is making you even more desirable."

There was something odd about how he had paused before finishing his sentence, but that wasn't the thing that was bothering me. Just the thought of him being so close to a female like that was making my blood boil, no matter how much he tried to flatter me. I bit my lip and felt my palms itch with wanting to slap her.

"Bella, don't make me regret telling you the truth. Nothing whatsoever happened. Do you want me to be jealous of Jacob?"

I gasped. "No, never. I love you, I only want you."

"That's exactly how I feel about you." His voice was a soft murmur.

I suddenly felt ashamed of myself. It wasn't that I didn't trust him, it was _her_ hair I wanted to tear out. I could also see how he had much more to be upset about regarding Jacob. That was not a path I wanted to go down with him, now or ever.

"It's just hard for me to think about you touching anyone else, especially someone as beautiful as Tanya," I hastened to explain.

"Bella, you are far more beautiful than her. I have to say I've never seen you look like this; it is very interesting. I hope I don't have to restrain you from rushing up to Denali tonight."

I smiled broadly. "Am I that obvious? I was thinking about how much fun it would be to strangle her," I admitted.

His laughter then was soft and dark, like silk. "While that image would be somewhat entertaining, I hope I never actually get to see it. She is a vampire, Bella, and your jealously is misplaced. I was just a conquest that got away to her; she never had any real feelings for me. I used to take very long runs just to avoid her. It's a good thing the scenery in Alaska is so fascinating," he concluded with a smirk playing around the corner of his mouth.

"Now what's so funny?" I demanded.

"You still seem a bit agitated. Now you have some idea of what I have been going through for months." He tilted his head to the side and just looked at me, his eyebrows raised slightly.

I gulped. If he had been feeling half of what I just felt it was a wonder Jacob was still alive. I felt so guilty for putting him through that, without really thinking about what he must have been feeling that whole time. I was sure hearing Jacob's thoughts didn't help, either.

"Don't look so guilty, I don't blame you, you're still an innocent," his velvet voice tried to soothe me.

He might not be able to read my mind but he was getting very good at reading my face. "I don't ever want anyone else to put their hands on you," I muttered. "You belong to me."

"I love hearing you say that, Bella. You are usually so… contained."

I lowered my head and looked at him through my eyelashes.

"My little temptress. You could give Tanya lessons."

"The only thing I'd like to give Tanya is good swift kick."

He smiled as he placed his hand over my heart and said, "You still have so much adrenaline pumping through your system, would _you_ like to go for a run?"

"No, I'd like to kiss you."

"Do you believe that will calm you down?" he asked, incredulous.

"Probably not, but I don't care. If I don't feel your lips on me soon I'm going to explode," I said, a little too loudly, the blush staining my cheeks a dark red.

"I would not want to be responsible for an explosion in this lovely cabin," he said mischievously, his arm tightening around my waist. His long, slender fingers left a hot trail from my heart to my throat as they slid through my hair and came to rest on the back of my neck, as he firmly but gently guided my face closer to his.

His perfectly proportioned lips were turned up in a smile, and his eyes darkened as they gazed into mine, full of love and adoration. I sucked in a deep breath as I closed my eyes and felt his lips touch mine softly. He was being so tender and sweet, probably trying to calm me down, but it wasn't working. A little bit of Edward only made me want him more. I parted my lips and darted my tongue out to taste his lips, pressing my luck for all it was worth. He tasted like honey, and remarkably, he didn't pull away. Instead, he deepened the kiss and pressed me down against the sofa, my heartbeat accelerating at a rapid pace. We kissed like that for a few minutes, almost like a normal couple. It was unusual for us and I enjoyed it immensely.

Gradually he slowed his kisses until my heart returned to a regular, even beat. Then he laid his head on my chest, listening to the steady thumping sound.

Edward closed his eyes and I reached up with my fingertip and traced over them, then around the dark circles under his eyes. I ran my finger down his straight, perfect nose and then traced the outline of his exquisite lips. Then I rested my hand on his cool cheek.

Opening his eyes, he looked straight into my heart before he raised his head and gave me a very sweet kiss. When he pulled away he took both my hands in his and kissed my right palm and then my left.

"You have no idea what it does to me when you put your warm little hands on my face, do you?"

I felt a sharp pain in my heart; he had done it again, mentioning my body heat. I had to say something about this before it drove me insane.

"Edward, just how much are you going to miss my warmth? I mean, what if—"

"Stop right there, Bella. Yes, I love your warmth, but when we are finally able to be together without me worrying about your being so breakable I will be ecstatic, and I will have no trouble making you believe me."

My eyebrows flew up and I felt my eyes widen at that statement.

"We will be able to create our own warmth then, my angel, and I will have no regrets. I will always cherish the memory of you as you are now, the way you were when I fell so hopelessly and completely in love with you. I love everything about you, sweetheart. Just know that I will always love you even more, with every day that passes. Nothing can change the way I feel about you."

My heart felt like it was going to escape my ribcage. He was truly expressing a kind of hope or positive feelings about my becoming a vampire. He really did want me forever, and he was actually looking forward to it. I could hardly keep still now.

"Edward, do you know how happy it makes me to hear you say that? Thank you, I love you so much," I exclaimed as I threw myself into his waiting arms.

"I want to make you happy, Bella. Believe me, I am more concerned about your happiness than I am my own."

"Oh, I believe you, Edward," I said with a wide smile on my face. "Do you know that just makes me even more determined to make sure you're happy?"

He groaned. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Relax and let me make you happy?" I asked hopefully.

"Bella, I love how you treat me as if I were a normal man, but I'm not. I can never completely relax when I am with you. You make me happy and peaceful, but it would not be in your best interest if I were completely relaxed. That is when mistakes can happen."

He was right; it was so easy for me to treat him like any other human being. I loved him so much and just wanted to be with him so badly I shut my eyes to our differences.

"I know what you mean. I'm sorry," I sighed.

"Do not apologize. Now I've made you unhappy," he said, his voice full of self-loathing.

"No you haven't; I'm just impatient. This waiting is so hard," I said softly. I knew it was difficult for him, too, but my body was pulsing with a torrent of feelings I had to fight to control. Even if I wasn't blushing I felt this heat in every part of me. My hands were burning up, and I thought if I didn't touch him I might explode. I dropped my hands from his shoulders and moved them down to the hem of his tee shirt. In a swift movement I slid them under the fabric and laid my palms flat against the cool skin of his back. Instant relief.

He hissed and then in a low tone said, "Bella, what are you doing?"

I felt hot tears begin to well up in my eyes, but I bit my lip and tried to keep them from falling. I didn't want to cry anymore, especially not in front of him. It would only make things worse. I just wanted him so badly that it physically hurt.

"Don't cry," he whispered as he leaned in and kissed me. His lips were urgent on mine, forceful and completely distracting. I smiled, thinking he would do anything to keep me from crying. I ran my hands up his back, caressing his hard musculature, and tried to pull him closer to me, but I couldn't budge him. He broke the kiss and said, "Take it off."

I stared at him, uncomprehending.

"Take my shirt off," he said, pulling away from me slightly.

My eyes widened in surprise. I grabbed at the fabric and started tugging it over his head. He raised his arms and tossed the shirt on the floor. He looked down at me and smiled. "Is this better?"

"Yes, if you come back here," I replied, reaching my arms out for him.

Edward couldn't hide his smirk as he lay on his back and pulled me next to him. I lay on my side, my head resting on his shoulder, and he wrapped his arms around me. He was cool, but it felt good against my heated skin. My hand wandered over his chest, and I leaned in and kissed a spot here and there. He kissed the top of my head; he seemed to like this as much as I did.

"Do you want to undress me?" I asked hopefully.

"That's not going to happen until after the wedding, Bella, but you are right, we do need to be closer," he said, his words alternately disappointing me and then giving me hope.

At least I was lying in his arms, touching such a large expanse of his smooth, flawless skin, and he was agreeing that we needed this. I couldn't help but smile as I gazed at his beautiful face.

"Are you ready to go to bed? I have big plans for tomorrow and you need your rest," he said lightly.

"Yes, I'll go to bed, but I should warn you, I'm not sleepy yet." I kissed his chest again.

He growled softly before saying, "You'll be the death of me yet."

I couldn't stop smiling as he stood up and carried me into the bedroom. "I love you, Bella Swan, soon to be Bella Cullen." He sounded so happy saying that.

He gently placed me on the bed and then pulled the covers up over me. He got into bed next to me and I felt like I was exactly where I belonged. "I love you, Edward. Now and forever."

It had been a long day and I was so relaxed from being held safe in his arms on the sofa. Maybe it was my first taste of champagne, but I had never felt better. The way he had looked at me, and held me, I knew he wanted me as much as I wanted him. Even if he insisted on waiting until after the wedding, I knew he needed me as much as I needed him. As impossible as that seemed, it was true.

He put his arm around me and I snuggled against him, pushing the covers back so I could lie on his chest. Now that the dastardly tee shirt was gone I was going to take advantage of it. I didn't know if it was the snack or the alcohol, but I was reinvigorated and I wasn't sleepy yet. I giggled.

"What's so funny?"

"I was just thinking of the look on Charlie's face if he knew I had champagne."

"You may have had a bit too much champagne if you think that's the only thing he would be upset about if he could see you now." He sounded incredulous.

I looked around at us, in bed together, with Edward finally shirtless, in a log cabin in California and grinned madly. "No, I guess the champagne wouldn't be my biggest problem."

"If Charlie knew half of what you were up to he would lock you up and throw away the key."

"He wants to do that anyway. He's so afraid our getting married is a mistake."

"It is too bad you can't tell him vampires mate for life."

"So do swans," I answered automatically. Then what he said hit me full force. "Edward, what do you mean, vampires mate for life?"

"I thought you knew. I have tried to tell you everything about us is magnified, more intense. This is why I say I love you more; because once a vampire has found his true love, nothing can change that. Our emotions are more powerful than human emotions."

"So, it's kind of like imprinting?" I couldn't help it; I was just trying to understand.

"Yes, in a way, but more so," he answered quickly. "Believe me, divorce is not an option."

I tried to absorb this information, which was in no way unpleasant for me. Why was this the first time I was hearing about this? Had he thought I would be frightened? Most likely, but I was having the opposite reaction. I was thrilled. I thought I should let him know, he was probably worried.

"I wish you had told me about this before, Edward. I mean it when I say I want to be with you forever, and to know that means the same thing to you makes me very happy."

"Of course it means the same thing to me, but that's also why it doesn't matter to me if you are 18 or 28. I am always going to love you."

At first I wanted to object, and remind him of his promise to change me after the wedding but then I caught myself. This was another example of how he wasn't exactly eager to change me but then again, if he was always going to love me, maybe my age didn't matter so much.

Well, evidently it really didn't matter to him, but I just couldn't picture myself looking a lot older than him. He was so beautiful and young; I at least wanted to be one of those things when he changed me.

"You keep surprising me, Edward, and I usually don't like surprises, but this one was extremely pleasant." Then I had an unpleasant thought. "I don't understand something though. If you mate for life, how were you able to leave me after my birthday?"

"Why do you think we were both so miserable? I swear I thought of you every minute of every day I was gone."

"Yes, but you were still able to leave," I persisted.

"I had never been in love when I was human. I had never even been interested in anyone since I became a vampire. I was so determined to keep you human, and I knew that would not be possible if I stayed. Believe me, I left you because I loved you and I didn't see any other way for this to end well for you."

"You didn't know I would be so miserable," I accused.

"I thought you would get over me in time," he offered weakly. "You are human, and humans forget things."

"Human or not I could never forget you. You are etched in my memory for all time. I didn't lead a better life without you; I hardly led any life at all. You know Renee wanted to take me back to Florida and I refused to go, clinging to the tiniest hope that if you ever came back you would be able to find me at Charlie's."

I had to stop and take a deep breath. The ache I felt then was so real, I could feel it again.

"Bella, please stop," he pleaded with me, holding me close and burying his head in my neck. I slid my arms around his back and rubbed his broad shoulders.

I was silent for a moment, absorbing the pain that I could feel radiating from his whole body.

"I promise I will spend every day trying to make up for that, Bella. I know how much pain I was in and to think that I put you through that is almost more than I can stand. Believe me, I regret that mistake more than anything – and I've done a lot of bad things in the past," he said bitterly.

"We've both made mistakes, Edward. Neither one of us is perfect, but you've already proved that you would do anything for me," I said, stroking his cheek. Then I gently put my hand under his chin and pulled his face up so I could look into his liquid topaz eyes.

"I know that you love me Edward, and no matter what you or anyone else says or does, I won't ever doubt that again."

Then he kissed me, gently at first, and then with more intensity until I was dizzy. He moved his lips away from my mine reluctantly, and brought my palm up to his face, pressing his lips into it while I caught my breath.

When he kissed me like that it filled me with so much hope. I tried to think of a way to make him see that our future together could be much better than our past. "You always seem to only contemplate the worst that could happen, Edward. Do you ever try to imagine the best that could happen?" I asked plaintively.

He put his cool hand against my cheek and said, "Any day I spend with you is the best that could happen. Any day that you don't get hit by a car or jump off a cliff or get captured by a vampire, that's a good day," he declared.

"Okay, I deserved that, but I want a life with you like Carlisle and Esme have – I want to spend every minute of eternity with you. I want to be with you in every way. Don't you want that too?" I tightened my grip on his shoulders.

"Of course I do," he started.

"You give me so much more than you know," I interrupted. "A feeling of safety and comfort, and you make a fire burn inside me that seems unquenchable – at least it's been unquenched so far," I let just a note of complaint come into my voice.

He noticed it, and shook his head. "Bella, you are so fragile. You're like that tiny chipmunk in that huge forest today, scampering around under trees that are 200 feet tall. If at any moment a branch fell on you, you would be crushed. If I pressed you close to me with just a bit too much force you would be gone."

I sighed as I put my arm around his neck and drew his face close to me. "All the more reason to take the next step as soon as possible, I'm ready. Ready, willing and able," and as I pled my case, I pressed my lips against his, gently at first. I felt his hands come up to caress my face and our kiss deepened.

I wound my fingers through his hair and pressed my body closer to him. I could feel my blood pounding and the desire inside me was palpable. I knew he felt it too, as his right hand dropped to my shoulder.

He finally drew his face away and then put both his arms around me in a tender embrace. He dropped his head and lightly kissed the nape of my neck. "Bella, you are the biggest temptation I've ever encountered."

"Yes, but you seem to be able to resist temptation," I moaned, my heart thumping loudly in my chest.

"You don't make it easy. You're working my last nerve. It takes every ounce of strength I can summon. I want to take you in my arms and never let you go."

"I want that, too, Edward. You know there isn't anything that you could do that I would object to. I want to feel your hands all over me and I want to kiss every part of you, and I'm not ashamed to say it," I said as my face flushed scarlet.

"You are still the most adorable liar, and the bravest, but it's still so hard for me to come to terms with what you are giving up in order to be with me."

So that was the real problem; my giving up my humanity to become a vampire. A few minutes ago he had admitted he would be happy once it happened, but now he was feeling guilty again. If only I could convince him once and for all. "Edward, it's my life. If I want to spend it with you, that's my choice. You've got to let me live my life the way I want to."

"Even if it means an end to your life?" he challenged.

"Every exit is just a new entry to someplace else, so Tom Stoppard says. Maybe that's why he's my favorite playwright. If someone as wise as he is can see it that way, why can't you?" I pleaded.

"He may be wise, but he hasn't lived for a hundred years without sleeping or dreaming – he isn't constantly on the move, keeping secrets, telling lies, living carefully undercover so as not to be found out… it's not the kind of life I'd wish for you," he bitterly whispered.

"Edward, you waited so long to find me, do you think I happened along by accident? There must be some bigger hand in all this; fate, God, whatever you want to call it. We were meant for each other." I snuggled closer to his chest. "Maybe when I'm finally by your side forever you will see things differently," I added hopefully.

"Or maybe you will see things differently – and you won't like what you see," he said with a trace of fear in his voice.

"Well, there's only one way to find out, and I'm willing to take the risk. I hold you so deep in my heart I will never let you go," I said, holding his face in my hands. "I can't ever imagine not wanting to be with you. It's so painful when we're not together. I've been through that and I know that nothing could be worse."

I looked into his golden eyes. "Look at it this way: even the worst day with you is better than a single minute away from you."

"Oh Bella, you make me feel like I have a heart again because when you say something like that I would swear my heart is breaking. I don't ever want to cause you pain," he said as hung his head and looked miserable.

I remembered my conversation with Alice just before we worked on my CD gift for Edward. She had urged me to be honest with him and share my fears about him not wanting me to become a vampire. I took a deep, calming breath before I continued.

"Edward, you are the cause of my joy. The only thing that could make me unhappy would be if you didn't change me." I put my hand under his chin and drew him close, whispering, "As long as we're together I will be fine. More than fine, I'll be ecstatic."

"Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?" he asked sardonically.

"I don't need convincing, I know my heart," I said simply. "I have faith in our bond, Edward. We are already joined together. We have been through the darkness and we've been through the fire, and our love has survived. We've overcome separation, loneliness, disapproval, attacks of all kinds and it doesn't matter; nothing can stop our love."

His gaze was so tender and full of adoration I felt like my heart would burst. He kissed me then like he really meant it, and I knew he was giving in to me, giving in to his feelings. I pressed my warm lips against his hard ones and they melted together. My pulse raced and I started to tingle from head to toe. After a long moment he released me and tucked my head under his chin, his arms wrapped around me tightly. We lay still like that for a long time, until my heart resumed a normal rhythm.

I felt so close to him. I felt like we had reached another understanding. He was always going to want to protect me and I was always going to want to take his pain away. We both knew we had to face the future together, and I felt his love. It was impossible to deny. I didn't need to be insecure. He wanted me in every way, forever.

Then he whispered, "Still awake?"

"Yes, please don't move. I love this," I breathed in his scent. He held me and hummed my lullaby until I fell asleep.

The gray sky hung over the water like a mirror, smooth and solid. I was walking down the beach, hand in hand with a man by my side. A harsh clattering sound broke the stillness and I quickly turned my head and looked toward the place where the noise came from. I looked down and saw blood splattered all over the sand. The rusty smell swirled in my nostrils. I started to feel dizzy and nauseous. Someone pulled me away from the bloody mess.

I shut my eyes tight. I heard seagulls shrieking. When I opened my eyes I was alone on the beach; no one was holding my hand anymore. Edward was running away from me. All I could see was his long, lean legs as he ran into the distance. I was numb. I couldn't even scream or call his name. I was frozen in the sand, the waves lapping around my feet. I kept staring at his retreating figure until it disappeared. I had become a zombie again.

I awoke in the darkness, at first unsure of where I was. I realized I had been dreaming and I kept my eyes closed and lay very still. I tried to reconstruct the dream and figure out what it meant. At least I didn't wake up screaming. Everything in this dream had happened so fast. The images came at me in flashes.

Had I been walking with Edward? Someone held my hand, but was it him? I couldn't tell. Had he already begun running down the beach before I saw the blood? Had he been responsible for the blood? Was it my blood? Was I going to be attacked by a bobcat on the beach? I couldn't recall any growling in this dream. I didn't have any answers and the more I thought about it, the more confused I became.

What if I had been walking down the beach with Jake and the blood was his? If Edward attacked Jake he probably wouldn't want to stick around to see my reaction. That would explain why I had been holding someone's hand and then they were gone.

I was afraid to discuss this dream with Edward. He had been freaked out yesterday by my dream about the eyes and the growling, thinking I was afraid of him. If I told him about this one, I wasn't sure what kind of interpretation he would come up with, but I was fairly certain it wouldn't be good.

The two images that stood out were the blood on the sand and his retreating figure, running away from me. He would think it meant that I was afraid he was going to attack me and then leave me without changing me, which would basically be a death sentence. Or start to change me and then abandon me.

But that wasn't what it meant. That wasn't possible. I couldn't think that was ever going to happen. I didn't think that. Maybe it was all very symbolic. When did I suddenly become the big interpreter of dream symbolism? Never. I was still clueless... and frightened.

While I didn't want Edward to find out about this dream, I did want him to hold me and make me feel better. Then I remembered we were in our exquisite cabin, and I reached my arm out to touch Edward but my hand felt nothing but empty bed. I opened my eyes and as they adjusted to the dim moonlight pouring through high windows. I saw that I was alone, I couldn't feel his presence, and felt the desperate ache of loss begin.

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**AN: If you have this story on Alert, could you please just leave a word or two and let me know what you think about this chapter or your thoughts on BD? I didn't reply to reviews this week, between reading BD and working on this chapter, I've been very busy. I do want you all to know I read and consider each and every review and I truly appreciate all the support you offered last time.**

**My Betas are the best. Ranma15177 and not done baking both have great stories going right now, too. Check them out, you'll be glad you did. I think the funniest line in this chapter was provided by Ranma; the line is; "Hey, my escape plan was working until someone threw that porch railing in front of me." She just threw that in as an offhand comment and I put it right in the scene. She's got a wicked sense of humor and I'm so lucky she has time to read BMOM for me.**

_**I uploaded some new pictures to the Photo Album; link is on my Profile page.**_


	35. Maybe This Time: B & E POVs

**AN: Thanks for all your fantastic reviews for the last chapter, and now without further delay…**

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_While I didn't want Edward to find out about this dream, I did want him to hold me and make me feel better. Then I remembered we were in our exquisite cabin, and I reached my arm out to touch Edward but my hand felt nothing but empty bed. I opened my eyes and as they adjusted to the dim moonlight pouring through high windows. I saw that I was alone, I couldn't feel his presence, and felt the desperate ache of loss begin._

**Chapter 35: _Maybe this time_**

My heart, racing already, spluttered frantically and I sat up, looking around. Where was he? Maybe he had gone into the living room, to put another log on the fire. I glanced in that direction and noticed the fire blazing, putting out warmth that reached me even in bed. Well, that was reassuring; it looked as if he had just stoked the fire.

I got out of bed and glanced at the clock on the nightstand. It read 4:05. I was still barely awake and I stumbled toward the fireplace. I searched the living room, but he wasn't there. I hated to break the stillness in the cabin by calling out for him. I walked back toward the bed and looked at the clock again. That's when I saw a piece of folded paper with my name on it; I snatched it up and read in Edward's elegant handwriting:

_My dearest Bella,_

_You are the most beautiful girl in the world and it's worth dying just to have kissed you. If you should awaken while I am gone, please know I will be back as soon as possible. _

_I remain, forever, your Edward_

While I was relieved to know he was planning on being back soon, I was still wondering where he had to go at this early hour. While it was nice to know he thought I was beautiful, the 'worth dying' part had me concerned.

Did he mean he was doing something right now that could be life threatening, or did he mean it was worth dying in 1918 to be here for me now? That was certainly an interesting concept. If he hadn't died back then, we never would have met. How different would my life be? I shivered. I couldn't stand to face the future without him. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and looked around the cabin again.

Then I thought I heard a faint sound coming from the bathroom. Was he in there? I pressed my ear against the closed bathroom door and realized the sound wasn't coming from in there, but from beyond; the outdoor shower. What was Edward doing, taking a shower at 4 a.m.? Was this what he did while I was asleep? I wondered vaguely if I could join him. The idea of Edward, naked and wet, under the stars was enough to set my heart racing.

Slowly opening the bathroom door, I looked across the room at the frosted glass doors but saw only the dimmest outline of Edward in the moonlight, under the running shower. I took a step forward but my foot came in contact with something on the floor, and I stopped, not wanting to trip.

I looked down as the moonlight spilled through the French doors, illuminating a pair of black sweat pants and a black tee shirt. My first thought was that I'd never seen Edward throw clothes on the floor before; his room was usually so neat.

Then I spotted a large rip in the left leg of the pants, starting at the thigh and going below the knee. The fabric was torn, frayed, and covered in mud. I leaned down and picked up the tee shirt. An odd smell caught my attention, and I noticed the tee shirt was missing a sleeve, also torn off. It was stained darkly, and slightly sticky, with what I slowly realized must be blood.

Dropping it like it was on fire, I stood rooted to the bathroom floor. My head began to spin and my imagination to run wild. Clearly Edward had left the cabin, had some sort of altercation, and came back to clean up while I was still asleep, but what had happened?

Had one of those vampires from Bolinas got a whiff of my scent and tried to track me down? Was I that damned irresistible? If only he would change me I would be so much safer. Why couldn't he see that?

Maybe one of the Volturi guard followed us here? The thought of Demetri and Felix haunted me. That didn't seem likely; although I was always afraid time was running out with them. Alice would surely have warned us if they were looking for me.

There wouldn't be sticky, almost dried blood on the shirt if it had been another vampire. It couldn't have been a human; that just wasn't possible. Edward wouldn't do that. I rejected that thought completely. Besides, this didn't smell like human blood to me, but I hadn't smelled many other kinds of blood so I had nothing to compare it with.

What if the temptation of being with me every minute of the day and night had made him so thirsty he . . . no, I just couldn't think that. Although he had said that being with me was harder than he thought it would be. Of course he said he was referring to my body, not my blood; I was being so foolish, but it was the middle of the night, who thinks clearly then?

Maybe being with me had pushed his thirst to the point where he needed to go hunting? That had to be it. Maybe he had just needed to hunt so badly, and he thought he could do it while I was asleep, and I would never even have to find out about it. That sounded more like Edward, taking out some extra insurance to make sure I would be safe. My heart went back to beating a normal rhythm as I calmed myself down, my mind having hit on a plausible explanation now that I was finally, fully awake.

**Edward's POV**

A cold shower would do nothing for my problem, I thought as I headed for the outdoor shower anyway. Neither would filling that giant bathtub with ice cubes and submerging myself in it. Mind over matter. It didn't help that every time I thought of that bathtub I could envision Bella, tiny and fragrant, surrounded by all that hot water that helped release her lovely scent into the atmosphere of that small, candlelit room. Oh, I wanted her right now.

That bathtub was haunting me. I wanted to be in that bathtub with her, sliding my hands over her soft, slippery skin, caressing the curves of her delicate, feminine body while I inhaled her sweet fragrance. I wanted to hear her giggle and sigh and call out my name while I was touching her in all the places I had only imagined on those long nights when she slept in my arms. My body ached for her. I wanted to immerse myself in her and never leave.

Bella was the only reason I looked forward to another day. How had I existed before I met her? I couldn't go back to that emptiness. For all my darkness, she was the light. She was my other half, my life. She was my heart, my salvation, my soul. She was my soulmate. The purity of her love had made me understand that I did have a soul, no matter how blackened, and perhaps, with her love, I could be redeemed.

I still couldn't believe Bella had chosen me; I had so little to offer her, and she would have to give up so much to be with me. My angel had done everything possible to convince me that she did not want to have children but I would give anything to be able to have a child with her. Bella would be a wonderful mother, despite her protestations. She had already played the parental role with Renee, and took admirable care of her father. She was always so giving. She never asked for anything for herself, and I knew I wanted to spend eternity spoiling her, to try to make up for all the sacrifices she had to make to be with me.

Tonight had been a different kind of struggle for me. If only I could stop twitching every time she put her hot little hands on me. So far it seemed like she hadn't noticed, but I didn't know how much longer I could go on like this. I wanted her so badly I could taste her. I was ice cold but she could make me melt with just a touch.

When she pressed her warm palms against my back I wanted every inch of my skin to be pressed against hers. As it was I should have had more self-control than to order her to take my shirt off. I told her to do it to keep myself from ripping every shred of her clothing off right then. I suspected she would have been thrilled if I had; she had no sense of self-preservation.

She had already pressed her breasts against me when I carried her back inside after her escape from the mouse, silly girl; she had much more to fear from me than from a faux mouse. I thought I would tackle her to the sofa when she started rolling the waistband of her pajama pants down. That little display before the splinter removal… it was almost like she was starting to do a strip tease. I was sure it had escaped her notice that the last song on the CD playing at that moment was _Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered,_ but I found it frighteningly appropriate.

I had to quickly swallow the venom that was pooling in my mouth; thankfully she didn't notice. She never seemed to notice. It was odd how she could be so perceptive about some things and so oblivious about others. It's probably just as well; I didn't want her to be frightened of me unnecessarily.

I turned off the cold tap and let the scalding hot water from the shower pour over me to warm up my skin a bit before I got back in bed. I didn't want the chill that radiated from me to awaken her when I returned to her side, and I knew I would be unable to resist touching her. She was breaking down so many of my carefully constructed barriers this weekend and I was crumbling before her beauty and spirit.

I appreciated how she was letting me spoil her this weekend. She was being so good about accepting my plans, and agreeing to a new car. That had taken some dazzling, but with spectacular results, and she hadn't even tasted champagne yet, so the influence of alcohol hadn't clouded her judgment, it was just me. I knew I had been able to dazzle her in the beginning, but the longer she was around me, she seemed to be able to resist when she was determined to get her way.

Not tonight though; she had fallen victim to my charms once again, and I was happy with my abilities to hold her in sway. It was a tiny victory, but where Bella was concerned, I was delighted to know I still had the power to dazzle her. I could afford a smirk as I rinsed the shampoo out of my hair; the night owls would keep my secret.

Unfortunately, the champagne may have been responsible for her rushing out of the cabin and straight into that railing. Only Bella could find a way to hurt herself when fleeing from a dead rodent. That splinter had been jagged and deeply embedded in the soft flesh of her abdomen. I was pleased that my hands had been steady enough to perform what amounted to minor surgery without further mishap. She had felt a momentary flash of pain, but the significant thing was that I was able to pierce her skin without making her bleed.

I don't think she was aware of how careful I needed to be; to her it was just a splinter but to me it was the possibility of spilling some of her precious blood. Bella might be able to forget that I was a vampire but that was something I could never allow myself to forget.

I had to admit that she had been so adorable when she stamped her foot and forbade me to call Margaret. Little did she know, Margaret would have been delighted to perform some minor surgery, and merely add the incident to her catalog of strange behavior by her guests. She approached the role of innkeeper with a large dose of cynicism and would have been highly amused by Bella's innocent antics and embarrassment.

Margaret's mind was a pleasure to explore. A highly complex thinker, a doctor specializing in brain trauma, educated in England, she had a lot in common with Carlisle, and it was no wonder he spoke so highly of her. She also had a tremendously quirky sense of humor and a love for life she expressed by trying to help people experience the sensual pleasures of new foods. She had gone above and beyond in preparing these treats for Bella and had earned my unending gratitude. Adding to that, the fact that she did it all with ease and joy made it even more remarkable.

Chef Daniel was another matter. He was a visual artist; as well as being a wizard in the kitchen, he was a photographer and frequently had exhibitions in galleries in the Bay area. He saw the world with an artist's eye, and I couldn't blame him for recognizing that Bella was beautiful. He attacked life with the vigor and passion of a temperamental artist, sometimes dreamy and thoughtful, and sometimes harsh and wanton. His pairing with Margaret made for a tempestuous and dramatic relationship. He had also gone out of his way to make special foods for Bella, and taken pleasure in doing so. He and Margaret were perfectly suited for the life they had carved out for themselves in this tiny hamlet.

They knew how to make their guests comfortable, too. This outdoor shower was very enjoyable. I should speak with Esme about installing one when we got back to Forks. Of course it would be much more enjoyable if Bella were out here with me, but she needed her rest and this would just give me another thing to look forward to in the future.

Coming here had been a wise choice. Bella was enjoying herself and I had seldom felt so at ease. I had put myself into a trance on the sofa, holding her on my lap and stroking her long, silky hair. It was such a magnificent, rich color, the mahogany highlights shimmering in the flickering firelight. The light had danced across her flushed cheeks as she calmed down after the excitement of my bedside manner. Sliding my fingertips around below her waist was a sensual treat for me and I could tell she enjoyed it, too. I would have liked to play doctor with her all night long, but this wasn't the night for that. It was something else I could look forward to in the somewhat near future, though. I longed to examine every inch of her creamy skin, though not in a clinical manner… _decidedly not that way._

With her situated in my lap on the sofa, so close and so warm, I could breathe in her lovely fragrance, hear her erratic heartbeat, and only my own thoughts, mercifully. This little cabin was ideal for our weekend; as I let myself get lost in her charms my mind wandered to the near future, when we would be married and snug in our own little cottage. She was unaware of my plans, but I knew she would be pleased. This was one surprise I was sure she wouldn't raise any objections to; she would enjoy our time alone, this trip convinced me of that.

We would be married and she would still be human; I intended to try to convince her to remain that way for as long as possible, unless she was adamant about being changed. I hoped after we were man and wife in every sense she might rethink her rush to embrace my way of existing; at least I could hope, something I hardly ever did before meeting Bella.

While I had only wanted her to know how special she was, she refused to accept my compliment about her lustrous, silken hair. I couldn't resist teasing her, but I had miscalculated her reaction to Tanya's name. It was like tossing gasoline on a campfire. I supposed I should be ashamed of myself, but I found it delightful to see her so worked up over Tanya; absurd, but amusing. Her mind was always an enchanting surprise to me.

Her body had been electric, pulsating with energy and she made me burn with longing for her, too. If Tanya had suddenly appeared I had no doubt Bella would have gone after her with the fireplace poker. She was full of passion, for me. Her blood was pumping wildly. I could feel it coursing through her petite body, calling to me, but I didn't want to sink my teeth into her tender flesh. There was another part of my anatomy that desperately wanted to claim her. How many days 'til the wedding? What am I doing here alone with her? Who thought this trip was a good idea?

I thought about how jealousy was such a human emotion, and it was something we shared. She couldn't be unaware that I had been jealous of her relationship with Jacob. I hadn't hid it very well. Where she was involved my emotions were so hard to control. After listening to his disgusting thoughts about how much he enjoyed kissing her and what else he planned on doing with her it was a wonder he was still able to walk.

I knew Bella would frown on my taking any action against him, and at this point, while he was still recuperating, he wasn't even worth thinking about. Well, he wasn't really ever worth thinking about, but judging by the way Bella's heart had started beating like a hummingbird when I mentioned his name I couldn't just dismiss him, no matter how much I wished I could. She had such an immediate reaction I knew she was hiding something and it was something she didn't want to discuss with me. What else was left to say?

After our talk this morning I thought we had covered everything. I had made my thoughts about his motivations unmistakable and she seemed to understand. I wondered if he had done something else, something he had managed to conceal from me… I had read Seth's thoughts as well, and between the two of them I thought I had a clear picture of everything that had transpired between that dog and Bella. Still, she was overly sensitive where he was concerned, and that had to mean something.

I had a feeling I would always have to protect her from him. He just seemed unable to let go of her, no matter how plainly she made her choice clear to him. We would be wed soon, and he would have to accept it eventually. Perhaps I was taking too much for granted.

Yes, Bella said she wanted to be with me forever, but I was hesitant to accept her commitment if she couldn't be completely honest with me. She had to be sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt, before we could proceed. I had to get to the bottom of this, it would drive me insane if I thought she was still in love with him and was only choosing me because of a perceived threat from those thugs in Italy. I needed to have this out with her before we returned to Forks.

As I turned the shower off and picked up a massive bath towel I heard Bella's heart skip a beat and then begin hammering wildly. I looked through the frosted glass French doors and saw her standing as if frozen, in the bathroom. What was she doing out of bed at this hour? She had been in a deep sleep when I returned. Had she simply awakened and noticed I was not there or did she have another bad dream? I hoped it was the former but feared it was the latter.

She seemed upset; she must have discovered my clothes on the bathroom floor. Damn it, why didn't I dispose of them before I took a shower? Because I had stood next to the bed watching Bella sleep and got completely distracted, that's why. She could cloud my mind and affect my body like no one else. I must see if I can fix this now; perhaps I could turn the tables and distract her. I would do whatever was necessary to calm her nerves and get her back to sleep.

**Bella's POV**

I was still frozen in place when the French doors opened and Edward walked in. He had one of those extra large bath towels draped casually over one shoulder, toga style, and he stopped as soon as he saw me, almost entirely in the shadows except for one thin shaft of moonlight. He had not expected me to be up and about.

"Bella," he said softly. "Are you awake?"

"Yes, I'm awake," I replied shakily, thinking that it would be so much better if this was only a dream.

"I thought you might have added sleepwalking to your repertoire to keep me entertained," he said lightly as he loosely grasped the edges of the towel with one hand near his hip, making sure he was covered up. Why did he always have to be so modest? It was difficult to tear my eyes away from his hip area, but I had questions I wanted answered, so I forced myself.

"Edward, what's this about?" I asked, pointing to the clothes on the floor and giving a slight shiver.

"Bella, you need to go back to bed, you are getting cold," he immediately said with authority, gently touching my shoulder and starting to walk us into the bedroom.

"I'll get in bed, but I want an explanation. I saw the rips and tears in your clothes. What happened?" I asked as I crawled back in bed, omitting the part about the blood.

"I promise to tell you, but please give me a minute," he said, pulling the bed linens over me and making sure I was totally covered up. He turned away to go back into the bathroom and as he did, I caught a glimpse of the part of him from the side that wasn't covered by the toga towel.

Even in the dim light I could see that he was like a perfectly formed Greek statue. I softly clapped my hand over my mouth to stifle the gasp that involuntarily escaped my lips as he continued moving toward the bathroom; he was impressive.

I felt the blood start creeping up my neck and was sure my face was burning scarlet. I was so warm I had to throw the covers back and sit up. Edward came out of the bathroom dressed in only his blue silk pajama bottoms and carrying the damaged clothes. He tossed them on the roaring fire and they began to incinerate. I couldn't take my eyes off of him; he must have pulled those pants on very quickly because they didn't have elastic, just a drawstring, and he had tied it so loosely the pants were riding low on his hips and looked like they might slip down dangerously at any moment. I lived in hope and wished I knew a spell for loosening knots; I had read those Harry Potter books one too many times.

"I should have done that immediately, when I got back, but I thought you were sleeping soundly and I could clean up first," Edward said, as he returned to the bedroom with the thermos of hot chocolate. He poured a cup and carefully handed it to me.

"Drink this," he commanded. Then he examined my face and smiled, saying, "You seem to have warmed up a bit."

My hands were trembling and it was all I could do to hold the cup steady. I took a small sip and nodded, blushing even more. He continued to stand stiffly next to the bed, gazing at me in the waning moonlight as I took in his firm biceps. As beautiful as he was, he was also intensely masculine; he was radiating virility. I took another sip of hot chocolate and felt my heart skip a beat.

My eyes were drawn to his well-toned, rock hard, abdominal muscles. I longed to touch them, to kiss them, to feel my bare skin pressed against his. I noticed he had a fine line of bronze hair that began just below his navel and disappeared under the low slung waistband of his pajamas.

This being alone with Edward and not being able to have a real, physical relationship was killing me. Could these feelings compare with the way he had to fight against drinking my blood? Why was I unable to fall in love with someone of my own species?

I took a big gulp and then set the hot chocolate on the nightstand and said what was on my mind, hoping I didn't sound as pathetic as I felt. "Aren't you coming back to bed?"

A look of relief and gratitude seemed to pass across his face. This confused me. Had he thought I didn't want him to get back in bed? What was going on? What had he been doing while I was asleep? That's right; he had never explained. Stupid, distracting vampire fiance.

Edward got into bed on top of the covers, and smoothed them around me. I moved towards him to rest my head on his chest and he put his arms around me, pulling me close to him. He kissed the top of my head and stroked my hair.

We lay like that for a few moments and then I asked gently, "What happened tonight?"

"I was hoping you would be asleep when I got back and not have to hear about this," he started.

"Just tell me. Whatever it is, it's okay, I still love you," I tried to reassure him, kissing his neck.

"Bella, you never cease to amaze me. I've told you I wasn't worthy of you. I've done so many unforgivable things in the past." Edward paused briefly. "I meant what I said: I'm not good for you, but I love you and I always will."

I was torn between being thrilled to hear that he would always love me and annoyed that he still thought he wasn't worthy of me. What rubbish. While I was debating what to say he spoke again.

"How can you tell me it's okay, not having the slightest idea of what I've been doing?" he asked incredulously.

"Because I love you and I know whatever you did, you probably did it to protect me. Didn't you?" I pulled away to look into his golden eyes as I said this.

"Yes," he admitted, gazing deep into my eyes.

It was getting lighter in the room every minute, and as I looked into his warm butterscotch eyes, I noticed they were lighter, too. Lighter than I had ever seen them, with the faintest flecks of green, but maybe that was my imagination.

"Edward, what happened?" I was dying of curiosity now.

"Well, I waited until I was sure you were asleep, and finished sleeptalking…"

"What did I say tonight?" I was always afraid I would say something terrible when I was asleep, and if I did, he probably wouldn't tell me anyway.

"You said you loved me. When you are asleep, and you, my angel, call out my name in the darkness, and say that you want me; you have no idea what that does to me."

When he said things like that it made me want to cry. "Well, it's no surprise, Edward. Even my subconscious knows I love you."

Then I saw a flicker in his eyes and his expression lightened; he looked like he had just stumbled across a clue he hadn't expected to find.

"What is it, Edward? You can't be surprised that I love you."

"You even say it in your sleep." He sounded like he was in awe.

"Yes, you're on my mind whether I'm awake or asleep."

"You make my poor dead heart feel more alive than it ever has," he said huskily.

I didn't know what to say now. I couldn't let myself dream about Edward's heart beating. I couldn't imagine him being alive because it would be too painful when I realized that would never happen, but I was making him feel more alive than ever. I guess I would just be grateful for that, and he had managed to distract me from whatever he had been up to while I slept.

"I could use a kiss right about now." As long as we were off track I thought we might as well make the excursion worthwhile.

He leaned over me and kissed me until I felt the pillow behind my head; he was pressing against me and I felt every plane of his body as we sank into the fluffy down featherbed. I wouldn't mind if he awakened me in the middle of the night to do this every night.

Just when I needed a breath he moved his lips from my mouth and kissed his way across my face to my throat. He placed a dozen butterfly kisses along my neck and then took in a deep breath. "I'm glad you didn't take a shower tonight, Bella, your own natural scent is heavenly." He nuzzled into my neck and continued placing soft kisses there.

It was difficult to think when he did that. But there was something rattling around my brain, something I was trying to find out. What was it? Oh, yes. The clothes.

"Edward, what were you doing while I was asleep?"

He lifted his lips slightly from my neck and mumbled, "It was really nothing, Bella."

"Then tell me about it."

Unfortunately, that made him stop kissing me. What was the matter with me? Would I ever learn to keep my mouth shut when things were going good? This must be a side effect of my inexperience with men. I needed to have a talk with Alice about this; she seemed to have the perfect relationship with Jasper.

Edward leaned back and propped himself up on one elbow. "That bobcat got your scent today, and I suspected he would try to track you. After you went to sleep I got dressed and I didn't have to go very far. He was only about twenty yards south of this cabin. He was waiting for you, but he wasn't prepared for me," he said simply.

"But your clothes are all shredded and," I paused, "bloody."

"He was a full grown male; he put up a good fight, but I'm fine. More than fine," he said with a dazzling smile, trying to put me at ease.

"Aren't bobcats the most vicious of the wild cats? Didn't I just read that a bobcat can take down a full grown elk? They weigh twelve hundred pounds." I was almost shrieking now.

"Where are you getting all your wildlife information?" he asked calmly.

"That book on the coffee table; it's about the Point Reyes National Park."

"Well, yes, that's all correct."

"It wouldn't be much of a guidebook if it was filled with bogus information, now would it? I thought one of the things that attracted you to me was that I'm able to read."

He raised an eyebrow and said, "You are too smart for your own good, Little Miss Nature Expert."

"That book said that even though they're smaller than mountain lions, bobcats are more ferocious. Edward, are you sure you're alright?"

"Of course, Bella. We hunt grizzly bears and elk. A bobcat is not a problem. I think of them as dessert."

I shook my head. I had never been this close to Edward so soon after he had been hunting. It was different; maybe that was why he seemed more confident and masculine than ever. He was exuding sexual charisma and I was soaking it up like a sponge.

"Edward, I thought it was dangerous for me to be around when you were hunting."

"It is. We've discussed this. We give ourselves over to our senses when we hunt; we can maintain some control, but it is dangerous for a human to be around. I took a run down to the beach and waited an hour before I came back to the cabin, just to make sure I was totally calm and in command of my self."

"Is that why your eyes are so light?" I asked.

"I guess so," he said thoughtfully. "It usually takes me much longer to get back to you after I've been hunting," he mused.

I thought quickly. With his thirst so recently satisfied, he should be in control of his emotions and his body better than ever. This could be the chance I had been waiting for, longing for.

"I have never loved you more than I do now, Edward. You constantly prove that you would do anything for me, and I trust you completely," I said breathlessly, as I looked into his sparkling eyes. "I'm already yours, body and soul."

He was smiling with his eyes, and he looked touched by my words. I decided to press my advantage and slowly moved my hand up from his chest to touch his smooth cheek. I leaned toward him, gently placing my warm lips against his cool ones, and felt him respond instantly.

"My heart is bursting with love for you, Edward," I whispered again, as my pulse quickened.

"And mine for you, Bella, my one and only love." I kissed him again, with more passion. He returned my kiss as I ran my hand along his neck and tangled it in his damp bronze hair.

Edward's arms were wrapped around me and he pressed me even closer to him. As our kisses deepened my heart was beating so frantically I knew he could feel it against his hard chest. He suddenly released me and buried his head in my neck as I gasped for breath. He placed his lips on the throbbing vein in my neck, as I felt air rushing into my lungs.

My blood was pulsing violently through my whole body and I was so warm, I had to push back the covers and take another deep breath. He had loosened his hold on me, allowing me to struggle out of the bedding, and I decided to push this as far as I could.

I leaned over him and put my hands on his biceps. I began kissing and licking along his collarbone and then started going lower.

"Bella," he sighed.

I knew he meant this as a warning but it had so little force behind it I decided to just ignore it and continue what I was doing. I scooted lower and moved my hands from his shoulders to his chest, tracing the path I was leaving with my lips.

I was in heaven. His chest was so broad and smooth, and I could feel every muscle ripple as I passed my lips or hands over them. I slowly ran my right hand down his chest, across his flat stomach to that fine line of bronze hair and I felt him twitch beneath my fingertips. His hands were clenching the sheets as I my mouth got closer to his left nipple. I slowly ran my tongue around in a circle and Edward groaned. He tasted so good, I couldn't resist biting down and his hips bucked underneath me.

"Bella! Are you trying to kill me?" He shot up and his arms wrapped around me, pulling me tight against his cold stone chest.

"No," I mumbled against him, sneaking in another open mouthed kiss.

He fell back against the pillows, taking me with him. This was not a bad position for me, so I decided not to protest. I could make this work to my advantage.

I slid my right knee in between his legs and moved my hands back to his strong shoulders, raising myself up.

"Bella, be careful," he said quietly.

"I am being careful. You can handle this," I said encouragingly, as I looked into his eyes, which were glowing and bright. I leaned in to kiss him again. Our mouths came together and he pressed me against him and I felt his hands slip under my pajama top and begin tracing my spine and resting at the small of my back.

I started to tremble and he broke the kiss to murmur in my ear, "Your lips must be the sweetest in the world. Your skin is so soft, so warm," he continued dreamily, his hand rubbing my back with gentle pressure. I felt a deep happiness under his caress.

I thought with a pang of how much he would miss this, my warmth, my blush, when I became one of the cold ones. How I wished he would make love to me right now, right this minute, so it was an experience he could have to remember forever. I didn't care what Carlisle or anyone else said. I knew Edward wouldn't do anything to hurt me. But I didn't think I could convince him with words.

Even with his eyes closed his thick eyelashes couldn't quite hide the lightness of his eyes. I had to seize this opportunity, but I had so little experience, I wasn't sure what to do next. What was that expression? Let nature take its course… yes, but what was natural about a human girl and a teenage vampire?

Or a teenage girl and 100 year-old vampire? I couldn't think about that now. I needed to focus. He was a man and I was a woman. He was Edward and I was Bella, and we would love each other forever. That's all that mattered. "Edward," I began, but he quickly cut me off.

"I know what you want Bella, and I have to admit I want it too. Being near you like this brings the most pleasure and the most pain; your skin is silkier than any rose petal, your natural scent is more fragrant than the rarest flower, your beautiful brown eyes are so expressive, and your lips; your lips drive me wild," he concluded, unable to resist kissing me passionately. When he moved his lips to my neck I was breathless but hopeful.

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**AN: Please leave a review and let me know your thoughts on this chapter. **

**Let's keep in mind that when I began writing this, last August, I had just finished reading Eclipse. I was trying to develop this story as a continuation of that book as much as I possibly could. I was pleased to read on page 25 of Breaking Dawn that pre-wedding Edward and Bella were on her bed, wrapped up in each other and Edward was shirtless. That's pretty much where I have them end this chapter. It's clear that they had been doing some boundary pushing of their own; we just didn't get all the juicy details.**

**My Betas are the best. _Ranma15177_ and _not done baking_ both have great stories going right now, too. Check them out, you'll be glad you did. If you liked Bella's wisecrack about the guidebook, you can thank Ranma; her wicked sense of humor at work again. I'm so lucky she has time to read BMOM for me.**

_**I uploaded some new pictures to the Photo Album; link is on my Profile page.**_


	36. She Will Be Loved

**AN: SPOILER if you haven't read _Breaking Dawn_ yet, skip this AN and just go right to the text. Let's keep in mind that when I began writing this, last August, I had just finished reading _Eclipse._ I was trying to develop this story as a continuation of that book as much as I possibly could. Given Stephenie Meyer's parameters, it isn't an easy task. However, I was pleased to read on page 25 of _Breaking Dawn_ that pre-wedding Edward and Bella were on her bed, wrapped up in each other and Edward was shirtless. That's pretty much where I have them begin this chapter, so I'm not too far out of line, am I?**

**It's clear in BD that they had been doing some boundary pushing of their own; we just didn't get all the juicy details. Bella does say "practice makes perfect" and he replies that they "should have reached perfection by now." To me that means what I've written is right in line with what they've been doing between _Eclipse _and_ Breaking Dawn._ Well, close anyway. This may be too intense for younger viewers, so just know you've been warned.**

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"_I know what you want Bella, and I have to admit I want it too. Being near you like this brings the most pleasure and the most pain; your skin is silkier than any rose petal, your natural scent is more fragrant than the rarest flower, your beautiful brown eyes are so expressive, and your lips; your lips drive me wild," he concluded, unable to resist kissing me passionately. When he released me I was breathless but hopeful._

**Chapter 36: _She Will Be Loved_**

"But one of us has to be the adult," he said with regret, "and I refuse to do anything that would hurt you."

"All right," I agreed, but I didn't move. I was still straddling his leg, resting on his chest. Maybe this wouldn't be all that I hoped for, but it was still good.

"You know Bella, there's a lot to be said for kissing," he said fervently.

I hoped that meant he wasn't ready for this to stop, because I certainly wanted it to go on. He just said he wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but that still left the door open for a lot of stuff, in my imagination anyway. His long, lean body was going to be the death of me, one way or the other. I could only hope.

"Oh I agree with you, totally. I'm not complaining about that. I can't even begin to describe how I feel when you kiss me," I said, thinking of all the sensations my body produced when I felt his cold lips touch the warmth of mine and came alive. "I know I haven't had that much experience, but I'm sure no one could compare with you, Edward."

I felt his chest rumble beneath me and I could just barely hear a low growl. I shivered and his hand began to trace random patterns on my back.

I exhaled slowly, enjoying the closeness. "I just wonder how this will be for us, after I'm changed. I'm afraid I will be so different, you will miss my being human," I said wistfully.

"You know, I am beginning to think that perhaps I won't be losing anything when you are changed. Perhaps things will be even better."

"Well I can think of one thing that will be better," I said, longing for the day that finally all the boundaries between us would be gone.

"Yes, I am looking forward to that, too, but that's not exactly what I meant. I'm wondering if, as good as you smell to me now, you might even smell better, because I won't have to fight the lure of your blood."

"I never thought about it like that." I hadn't spent a lot of time contemplating the day when blood would no longer be coursing through my veins. It just wasn't something I wanted to think about unless I had to. While I was good at science, contemplating my own physiology wouldn't get me any closer to my goal.

I just wanted to be with Edward and was willing to do whatever that took. I thought about Alice and Esme and how they both seemed happy and contented, and so graceful and lovely. I hoped a little bit of that would rub off on me.

"Everything I love about you will be intensified, Bella. I will spend my days and nights worshipping you, you don't have to worry about that."

I shivered in anticipation and he spread out the fingers of his hand in the middle of my back and pressed me tighter against his chest. The sound of his voice and the sweet things he said made me feel as if I was wrapped in a blanket of love, and he was talking in a positive way about how I would be after I was changed. This made me so happy. I reached my hand up to touch his face and he took my hand and pressed a kiss into my palm.

"However, I'm not going to let you tempt me any further with this now; we're going to be married very soon, and it may just be a ceremony to you, but those vows mean something to me. I want to love, honor and cherish you the rest of my days."

"But not obey," I added, raising up to see his face.

"No, not obey, and I'm not old fashioned enough to think that you are blindly going to obey me, or anyone. You love to break the rules too much," he said with amusement in his voice.

"Pot meet Kettle. Kettle, Pot," I said with a twinkle in my eye.

He shifted me over to lie next to him and looked down into my eyes. "Whatever do you mean, Bella?" He feigned ignorance.

"Aren't you breaking the ultimate rule, falling in love with a human?" I asked innocently.

He blinked. "Good point, but I have never fallen in love with both a human and a vampire, Miss Kettle."

I blinked. I felt myself involuntarily gasp, my spine stiffening. This was my worst nightmare come to life. I really didn't want to ever talk about this with Edward. I knew it would just hurt him more, but now I was trapped and there didn't seem to be any possible escape.

He knew I had been in love with Jacob. That was different than just loving him. How could he know? I never told him. Alice. No, Alice couldn't see me with Jake. Jake. He must have told him. He was the only one who knew, besides me.

How could he? How could he do that to me? How could he hurt Edward like that? I felt my hands clench into fists. I wanted to scream, but not at Edward. I owed Edward an explanation; I only hoped I could make him understand and not hate me. I took a deep breath.

"I was very confused, Edward. I've had some time to think about that day, and after almost freezing to death, what I witnessed on the mountain top with you and Victoria, and then in the clearing, and with Jane, physically and emotionally I was a wreck," I said softly. I swallowed hard and then continued. "Yes, I did let myself fall in love with Jacob, for a moment, but even then, it never came close to what I feel for you."

He nodded and drew me closer to him again.

"Do you remember when we were in the tent, and I started asking you about your ten favorite nights?"

"Of course," he said softly.

"Now I understand that Jake was eavesdropping, and I know that he didn't have to howl the way he did. He did that on purpose, to make me feel guilty. I probably wouldn't have kissed him then if he hadn't done that. I was so scared and I resisted at first, but then I thought about how he was threatening to go out and get himself killed over me and he kept pressing and pressing and I tried to make him stop but he thought I was encouraging him and it made him so happy. I realize now that I confused love with the remorse and obligation I was feeling. I really think I lost my mind for a moment. My mind sort of left my body; I don't think I could deal with everything that had been happening up to that point."

Jake always did have a way of saying something or giving me a look that would instantly produce a guilty feeling in me, and I fell for it over and over. Edward hardly ever did that, and when he did, it was to get me to do something for my own good, not something he wanted for himself. All he ever wanted was for me to be safe and happy, and I had tortured him so cruelly with my wavering over Jacob. I wished I could make it up to him somehow, erase all his fears and concerns; I so desperately needed to make him understand.

"At the time, I thought I was losing my best friend forever. I owed him so much; he kept me going when you were gone. I felt so sorry for him, and I will always love him as a friend. For just a moment I let my fear and confusion take over. It was a stupid mistake." I looked up into his warm topaz eyes. This was hard for him to hear.

"There's something else I haven't told you." I felt his body tense. I gulped. This was extremely difficult but I thought I needed to be totally honest now. I hated keeping any kind of secret from him. He looked like he didn't really want to hear it, but I thought as long as I had come this far I might as well continue. He had been more open and honest with me on this trip than ever before, revealing things about his past and sharing his feelings about everything that we had been through over the past two years. I felt obligated to reciprocate.

"After what we all went through … when I saw you and Victoria, I almost lost my mind with fear. I was so afraid of losing you. When I went to see Jake that last time, he was so warm and human. He was familiar and safe. He said he wanted me and I felt good enough for him. He's not perfect and neither am I, and I knew what I was getting with Jake. I didn't have to change to be with him."

I couldn't believe I was actually saying this out loud. It was even harder to admit than I had thought it would be. I didn't want to hurt Edward; I had already done enough of that. I just felt so close to him now, I had to tell the whole truth, no matter what it cost.

"I see." He clenched his jaw and looked like he was in pain. How could I be the one to wound him like this? But I had to go on.

"I realize now, at that moment I was so afraid of the unknown. I was afraid that after I was changed I would be so completely different that I would totally lose me." I was almost pleading now.

He nodded. He was trying to be soothing and make this easier for me, but I could tell he was upset. This was so hard for both of us. Would I ever stop being the cause of pain? I had to find the words to make what happened make sense. It all came tumbling out at once.

"I was afraid and disoriented; I felt like my life was spinning out of control. I thought I was in love with him, but I realize now I was just looking for an escape. Any way out. What I felt for him came out of desperation after the nightmare with Victoria, and he could take away my fear; he could numb my pain. He was like morphine for my soul."

I knew it hurt Edward to hear that I turned to Jake to ease my pain. I knew he wanted to be the one to do that, and from now on he would be, but I had to have that last human experience. I knew I would never turn to Jake again. I would never turn to anyone but Edward.

"Did you… I mean… how far did it go?" he whispered, his voice raw.

I stared at him blankly for a moment, not understanding what he meant. Then my eyes widened as the realization hit me.

"Edward! We didn't do anything. I just gave him a kiss goodbye, like he was my brother. That's all, I swear." It was the truth. He had to believe me.

"Is that all you _wanted_ to do with him, Bella?" He sounded detached, analytical, the way I imagined a psychiatrist would sound, but I knew he was suffering. Maybe that was his way of dealing with it, and it frightened me. I was afraid he was slipping away and I reached out and took hold of his shoulders. They flexed beneath my hands but he said nothing.

"Yes, Edward. I never stopped loving you, I was thinking of you, even then. The moment with Jake passed fairly quickly, and that's all it was, a moment. I could picture a future with Jake but as soon as I did I realized it meant a future without you, and that was impossible for me to comprehend. I knew it was my destiny to be with you, and I also knew by choosing that destiny I would be losing my best friend… and, in a way, I would be losing myself."

I watched the hard square of his jaw and the soft curve of his perfect full lips for a clue as to how he was taking all this, but his face was like a mask, cold and immobile. I couldn't stop, I had to make him understand. I took a deep breath before continuing.

"That was one of the reasons I cried so much that night. It was like the final step I had to take to be with you forever. I wasn't just losing Jake, it was like I was saying goodbye to my old life. That's when it really hit me that it meant everyone I knew. Like I was saying goodbye to one future without having a clear picture of what my new future was going to hold…and you know how I don't like surprises."

He remained silent, but I could see the anguish in his beautiful golden eyes and the tendons straining in his neck.

"Of course I knew you were going to be in my future. I was looking forward to being with you. I want to be with you forever, but I was worried about myself. I was worried that I would lose all my memories; I wouldn't be able to even remember Charlie or Renee." I sighed and ran one hand down his arm. "You know our relationship can never be classified as simple and easy."

It hurt even now to think about all that, but I had to get this out in the open if he was to believe me. I took a deep breath and continued my disjointed explanation.

"I was worried that I wouldn't be able to deal with everything; that I would be out of control and cause problems for you and your whole family. I think that was the moment when it all became too real to me, and I didn't handle it very well. Turning to Jacob was a mistake; but I will never make that mistake again. I should have come to you with all my fears but I was afraid you would use them as a reason to keep me human, and I don't want that. Even in my fear and confusion, deep down I knew I could never turn away from you."

His voice was hollow, devoid of all emotion as he asked, "Did you consider all the things that he can give you that I can't?"

"Yes, I did. I know he could give me a stable home and a family, but I don't want to spend my life in LaPush. I know we might have had children, but I don't need children, Edward, and I _need_ you."

"I wasn't sure you had thought about all of that." He sounded like he could hardly get the words out. I knew this was torturing him, but it would be worse if I tried to lie now.

"I thought about a lot of things. Jacob thinks he loves me, but he hasn't imprinted, and the pack will come first anyway. I'm selfish enough to want—"

"That's not being selfish, Bella." He sounded exasperated with me.

I stopped then and pulled his face so he had to look at me. His eyes were blank and impassive. He was trying so hard not to show any emotion and I knew this was killing him. He started to shake his head but I reached up and placed my hand against his cheek, stroking it softly. I had to find a way to get through to him.

"I just feel sorry for Jacob now. He still wants me but I will never want him that way. I will never want him the way I want you, Edward."

His expression softened a little, and my heart spluttered and thumped unevenly.

"There was another reason I couldn't stop crying that night. I felt so guilty for what I had put you through over Jacob. I knew I had hurt him and I knew I had hurt you even worse and I hated myself for that. I wished you would yell at me or do something but you just kept holding me and I knew how hard it was for you and I couldn't find the words to explain anything then," I said in a rush.

"I was afraid you were never going to stop crying," he said sadly.

"You were so patient with me. I'm sorry I ever got so close to Jacob. I should never have let things go as far as they did."

"That wasn't entirely your fault, Bella. None of it would have happened if I had never left you in the first place."

Then it hit me. Maybe a way he could understand. "Haven't you ever said something that you didn't really mean, and wished you could take it back?"

A look of understanding came over his face. His topaz eyes suddenly sparkled. "Bella," he whispered.

"Yes, Edward, I thought about the mistakes I made, and then I realized that the only thing that matters is how much I love you. I love only you, with all my heart," I said simply. "Please believe me."

"I do," he said softly, the love shining in his eyes again, all traces of pain gone. It was as if that vow suddenly joined us together in a way that had not been possible before.

He put his hand behind my neck and slowly drew me into a gentle kiss. It felt like we had all the time in the world. Suddenly the tension was gone and there was only room for happiness. He kissed me a dozen times and whispered my name between each kiss.

"My angel, your kisses are the closest thing to heaven I will ever experience."

He pulled back and I saw a new look in his eyes. It was as if his soul had found peace.

I could never doubt his love again. We had reached the final understanding. He knew that he had my whole heart and I knew he accepted me and loved me exactly as I was. He knew the worst now, and he still loved me. My human faults and weaknesses didn't matter to him.

"Bella, I want to make you happy," he whispered, his voice low and persuasive. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight against him. This was the embrace I longed for; feeling Edward's strong arms enveloping me made my heart soar.

"You do make me happy." I was so relieved we had talked about this and he had understood. I felt so free and unrestricted now, and I could feel the love radiating from Edward. He was positively glowing. He smiled his crooked smile and I thought it would be difficult to be happier than I was at this moment.

His finger tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear as he leaned closer and said seductively, "That's not what I meant." Then he began kissing his way across my jaw to my lips.

"You are so innocent," he murmured, just before giving me a tender kiss.

"I am asking permission to touch you in ways I have never done before, and make you feel things you never have before. I want to worship your body, Isabella, my only love."

When the meaning of his word sank in I began to tremble. This was it. He was ready. Was I?

"Edward… I thought you wanted to wait for the wedding," I began, confusion evident in my tone.

"I do," he smiled, his golden eyes twinkling. "Right now I want to give you pleasure, I want you to know how much I adore you…" he ran his hand down my side to my thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze. "I want you to feel my passion for you, but this will not approach what I have planned for our wedding night."

_He's planning our wedding night. _ The very thought made me shiver, and he skimmed his nose along my jaw line back to my neck where he started smothering my throat in kisses. It was almost impossible to think clearly when he did this.

"Will you let me love you, Bella?" He raised his head to gaze into my eyes with longing.

"Yes," I whispered, still confused but willing.

"This is going to be a bit of a test for me, as well. I don't want to lose control, so can you please keep your warm little hands on my arms or shoulders? When you run your hands around my neck and into my hair, I can feel myself weakening, and I can't risk that."

It suddenly became clear what he meant. The thought of giving him pleasure made me much happier than the thought of him trying to give me pleasure. Maybe I could convince him. "No, Edward, that's not fair. I want to touch you, I want to love you, too," I pleaded.

"When has our relationship ever been fair?"

I put my hand up to his lips, wanting to silence him before he could say that there was nothing fair about how I was going to forfeit my humanity in order to be with him. "Please?"

"That will all come after the wedding. I want this to be about you. Besides, I don't think Margaret would appreciate it if I destroyed this bed, it's an antique." He smiled down at me.

My brows drew together in confusion and he leaned in and kissed my forehead. When he leaned back he said, "Please take this step with me. Believe me, it will make me very happy." His tone was pleading and he was gazing at me with so much longing, it was impossible to say no.

"Ever the sick, masochist lion," I said with a rueful smile.

"I'm just good at delaying gratification. One day soon I will take you and you will no longer wonder about my capacity for pleasure," he said smoothly, his voice like honey.

Hearing his words sent a spark through me, and its reverberation made me quiver. I nodded and found his lips on mine, ecstatic. After a moment, he pulled back, suddenly serious.

"You _will_ let me know if you want to stop," his tone making it clear that was a command.

"I won't want to stop, Edward. You can do anything you want with me. I know you won't hurt me. I love you; I can't get close enough to you. I need you." I was beyond blushing now; I didn't care how red I turned. I felt this electricity buzzing through my body, humming in my veins. I could barely keep still. He was so beautiful, hovering over me like one of my dreams.

He suddenly collapsed on top of me, burying his head in my neck and breathing deeply. He was letting me feel the weight of him on top of me, the feeling I craved, and I gently slid my hands up his arms to grip his shoulders.

"When you say something like that it is overwhelming, Bella. To know that I could accidentally end your life in a split second, and you are so willing, so eager, so trusting."

"I can't wait to be your wife," I whispered, knowing he would hear me, and knowing this was something else he wanted to hear.

He growled into my neck, the vibration giving me goosebumps on my arms and legs and making me squirm underneath him.

He rolled to his side and pulled me with him. He took my hand and began kissing my wrist, his lips pressing firmly against my flesh, hinting at emotions he so carefully kept under control. He covered every inch of my skin as he worked his way up my arm to the soft area inside my elbow. I gasped and shivered. He raised his head and searched my face as if seeking approval. His eyes were smoldering like an ethereal amber fire as they locked onto mine. He must have sensed my desire because he resumed slowly blazing a trail of searing kisses up to my shoulder.

He closed his eyes and I could tell he was experiencing a rush of feelings, just as I was. He gently pushed me onto my back and continued placing open mouthed kisses across the base of my neck, tasting my flesh. He had never spent so much time and care lavishing me with kisses like this, and I was almost overwhelmed with the tenderness and love I could feel every time his lips touched my body.

Placing a knee on either side of my legs, Edward lowered himself onto me so I could again feel the pressure of his hard body and I immediately responded, grasping his shoulders and kissing him wildly. He let me bite his bottom lip and suck on it while he moaned lowly. I knew I had to be careful but this was amazing; there was nothing that could compare with the sweet purity of Edward's mouth. I felt his long, cool fingers slide around the back of my neck and into my hair, tugging on it gently as he took command of our kiss.

I felt the pulse of desire blossoming deep within me and wondered if Edward could feel it, too. He always seemed so in tune with what was going on inside my body.

He removed his lips from mine, allowing me to breathe and as I gazed into his darkening eyes I saw a new, wild look, like a storm about to rage out of control. The intensity was close to rendering me helpless, my heart beating painfully in my chest, and I didn't know how to react except to blush an even deeper shade of red, producing heat radiating from my chest and toward him.

He traced the shape of my mouth with the tip of his cool tongue, setting all my nerve endings on fire. He let out an intoxicating breath and I inhaled greedily. I would never be able to get enough of him. His lips covered mine and moved against them passionately. He wasn't trying to hide his need for me and I had never felt more cared for and desired.

Then suddenly he flung himself onto his back next to me and I immediately missed the weight of his body pressing on mine. He entwined the fingers of his left hand with those of my right as he lay there silently, taking deep, unnecessary breaths that matched my own very necessary breaths. My heart thumped unevenly as I tried to calm myself. I knew this was probably torture for his self control, but he had suggested it, and I wanted him now more than ever.

After a moment he said, his voice just above a whisper, "You are the warmest thing I've ever known, Bella. I'm sorry I'm so cold for you."

I groaned in my head; why did he think things like that? The heat coming from the fireplace was more than enough to keep me warm anyway. Despite how he had cautioned me about touching him I couldn't help but roll on to my side and curl up next to him. As soon as my hot cheek rested on his chest I felt better. "Edward, I'm so overheated, I'm glad you're cool. I think you're perfect for me."

He reached over and took my left hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a kiss into my palm. "I would give you the world if you asked for it, Bella."

"I don't want the world, I only want you," I said firmly, hoping he could hear the conviction in my voice. "I'd be perfectly happy to live in an igloo if you were there."

Then his lips were on my forehead and when he removed them I looked up and saw the intensity burning in his eyes. "I think it's impossible to love you any more than I do," he said, his voice husky with emotion.

"I know the feeling," I murmured, as he brought his mouth to mine again and began kissing me in earnest. His lips were smooth and seemed warm and sweet to me as they moved against mine with deliberation, as if he were in complete control. He ran his artist's hands down my sides, familiarizing himself with my curves. I was happy to surrender to his every touch, relaxing against him and letting him have his way.

After a few moments he sat up and rested his back against the heavy log headboard. He lifted me to sit between his legs, spread in a V, with my back against his chest. "I hope you know you're the loveliest girl in the world," he whispered as he moved my hair away from my left shoulder and began placing his lips there in open mouth kisses, as if he were tasting my flesh. He wrapped one arm around my waist, keeping me close to him. His cool breath blew on the areas he had just kissed and I shuddered against him.

I threw my head back, quivering from the sensations he was creating inside me and called out his name. It was hard to keep still, and my hands gripped his thighs. He hissed then and stopped for a moment. "That's good, keep your hands there," he instructed as his lips again paid homage to my exposed neck. "You make me feel like there's fire running through my veins, Bella, you make me feel so alive," he whispered against the skin on my throat.

Edward was usually an awful tease, but I could tell there was nothing teasing in his manner now. It would be truly wonderful if I were able to remain conscious under this deluge of his attentions. He could make me faint with just a kiss. I thought about the first time he took me to our meadow and how I would have let him make love to me then, if that had been his desire. I was already in love with him and although he told me he wanted my blood, I didn't completely comprehend what being a vampire really meant. Now that I knew, it made what he was doing now even more amazing because of the struggle he endured, every single second he was with me. I thought my heart might burst from the love I felt for him.

His right hand had been moving up and down my leg, slow and steady with no hesitation, squeezing my calf, caressing my thigh, and then he had stopped at the area just above my hip. His fingers ran back and forth, dipping close to my center and then stilled. "Your blood is pumping so hard, Bella. That's your femoral artery," he said, gently applying a bit more pressure with his broad hand.

I squirmed under his touch, wishing his hand were on my skin, cursing the fabric that was still separating us. I hoped he would just undress me, but he had already said earlier that wouldn't happen until after the wedding. He was moving so patiently, carefully. Would nothing stop this ache inside me?

"Please touch me, Edward," I barely sighed, voice full of longing.

His left hand slipped under the edge of my top and he delicately explored the skin on my stomach, drawing a circle around my navel with his index finger and giving me goosebumps. I giggled quietly, not wanting to distract him. Then he slid his fingertips along my side, and up until he skimmed the side of my breast. I think we were both holding our breath until his hand caressed that tender mound of flesh.

At first Edward's fingertips were light and cool, like a wisp of velvet that had been left outside on a cold night. After prolonged contact with my overheated flesh they warmed up and his touches became firmer, stronger. I couldn't get enough and I never wanted him to stop. I ached to touch him, but all I could do was rub his thighs and squeeze harder when I couldn't stop myself.

"Oh God, Bella," he whispered, "tell me… tell me what you want."

"That… yes, more," I gasped as his palm covered my breast. Impulses were shooting straight to my core with each touch. I pushed myself against him harder, and he increased the pressure he was using until I cried out. He immediately stopped and kissed my neck, saying, "I'm so sorry."

"No, it felt good, don't stop," I hastened to reassure him. "I love you, Edward."

He groaned and resumed his kneading with renewed vigor, letting his thumb brush back and forth, driving me wild. I was incredibly warm now, and I could feel the flush spreading from my face, down my neck and across my chest, and I knew he would notice this. He hissed and his lips were at my neck again, and his right hand ran back and forth on my thigh and then traveled to the inside. My hips moved against his hand of their own accord. My mind was slowly disengaging from rational thought and I could just barely hear him cursing softly as he kissed and licked my neck. A heady aroma clung to the air around him, making me weak with desire.

Edward shifted me slightly, turning me so my back was resting against his left arm, while his hand continued its rubbing and tweaking movements, drawing sighs and moans from me, which he now correctly interpreted as encouragement. His other hand reached under my hips and repositioned me across his lap. I slid my arm around his waist and clutched the small of his back.

He lowered his face to capture my lips in a passionate kiss as his right hand traveled up from my hip, slowly slid across my stomach and around my back. Edward's cool skin felt so perfect on mine as his fingertips slipped under the waistband of my pajama bottoms and he lightly caressed the curve of my hip, then his touch was firmer as he pulled me closer to him. I gasped as his tongue plundered my mouth, and his hand began to explore an as of yet untouched part of my body. I thought I would die from the combination of sensations. Every place he touched left a trail of fire but I never wanted him to stop.

I knew this was right; I wanted to spend forever with him, and there was that space in my heart that no one else could fill. Edward was everything to me and I hoped I could be everything to him.

He pulled back and looked into my eyes again. Edward was almost too beautiful with his bronze locks falling over his forehead and framing his exquisite face. I smiled in wonder that this dangerous angel loved me. I reached up and traced the smooth contour of his lips with my finger. His lips parted and he gently gripped my finger and drew it inside his mouth. His tongue swirled around it and I shivered from the heady sensation that stirred within me and I started feeling warmer despite being so close to Edward's naturally cold body.

Every little part of my skin was aroused. I looked into his golden eyes and they were flickering like they were on fire. My pulse quickened and my heart beat wildly.

He released my finger and briefly flashed that beloved crooked smile. Then he brought an icy finger up to my lips and began to trace them. He rubbed my bottom lip slowly, back and forth. When I understood what he desired, I opened my mouth and he gently slipped his finger past my lips. The cold was a shock to my warm tongue and I shivered.

I looked at his face and his expression was so beautiful, he truly looked like an immortal sent down from heaven. I mimicked what he had done, swirling my tongue around until I felt the warmth transfer to his finger. It no longer felt cold. He withdrew it slowly and then gently put his hand over my heart and quickly kissed me, hard, his passion laced with restrained ferocity.

"I can only resist for so long, and I feel like I'm nearing the end of my rope where you're concerned, my wild little heart" he breathed. I inhaled his delicious scent and then he began a slow, sensuous kiss that left shock waves radiating through my body.

Just a normal kiss from Edward was enough to make me dizzy and this assault on my senses was almost more than I could handle. I thought about what he had said about his senses and emotions being so much more intense than mine, and I believed him now. I had never felt anything like this in my entire life.

My heart was pounding and my head was spinning. His lips were burning against mine. I began to tremble. I was filled with an energy like molten honey that made me feel ready to take on the world. I thought he must be able to sense it too.

The love I felt for Edward overwhelmed me and pierced my heart like a knife, pain mixed with exquisite pleasure. I shuddered as a wave of love and desire washed over me. Edward was at the center of my universe, holding me immutably, like gravity. The depth of his passion for me was more powerful than the sun and the stars. I felt it in every cell of my body and longed to give him everything I had in return. Every caress spoke of his adoration and yearning for me and I could never doubt him again.

"Don't stop, Edward, please don't stop," I gasped, taking in a deep breath. He kissed me possessively then, his mouth claiming me as his and his alone. I was shocked and thrilled as a blaze of shooting stars passed across my vision.

I hovered on the brink of ecstasy for several long moments as Edward's artistic fingers played an intricate, rhythmic melody against my most tender flesh. I began making unfamiliar sounds, deep in my throat and Edward moaned in response, a warm, dark sound that sent a chill down my spine. His lips were everywhere at once, my throat, my mouth, my neck and then on my breast, as he gently kissed and nibbled through the silk fabric of my pajama top. All of his movements were producing a feeling so intense I began to feel lightheaded.

His other hand was under my top, massaging my breast as I arched and writhed against him. I now held onto his shoulder, never relaxing my grip for fear that he would stop if I let my hand wander as it pleased. I felt every muscle in my body begin to quiver and I could feel Edward's body responding beneath me. My heart swelled with love for him and I felt as if he had touched every fiber of my being.

I opened my eyes, looked at his unruly hair as his mouth was still at my breast, and longed to twist my fingers in it and pull him up to my face. I wanted to kiss him but I didn't want to interrupt what he was doing.

Finally I could stand it no longer and his name escaped my lips in a breathy whisper. "Edward."

He looked up and then raised his head.

"Kiss me," I managed to gasp, as I began to pant.

His mouth captured mine in a fierce kiss that matched the excitement he was creating inside me; both his hands continued their urgent ministrations, taking me closer and closer to the edge. I felt his fingers twisting and curling, as tremors began to stir within me. His cool, smooth tongue roughly swept across my bottom lip and as I parted my lips he plunged in and took me over the edge. My mouth flooded with his sweetness; nothing ever tasted or felt as good as Edward. At that moment I thought I could die of happiness.

An explosion raced through my body, sending waves of unknown pleasure pulsing to every extremity. I cried out but it was muffled by Edward's mouth on mine as I trembled and he pressed himself closer to me, shuddering. In my soaring state of mind it seemed as if my bones had turned to liquid and I felt like I was tingling all over.

I clung to Edward and consciousness with fairly equal resolve. My vision blurred as I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply, then felt like I was floating, recovering from the most intense feeling I had ever experienced. In the back of my mind I reminded myself that this was just a small taste; that Edward was, by his own admission, "holding back."

I inhaled slowly, drenched in the scent of him, his lips so close, his breath encapsulating me in a hazy fog of bliss. I exhaled again, and became aware of his hand resting on the smooth skin of my inner thigh, so close to where he had just caused an eruption of pleasure. I was glad he was still holding onto me like that. I never wanted to be separated from him again.

"Bella, love," Edward's voice was gentle, as were his fingers, rubbing small circles on my thigh.

I briefly opened my eyes and stared into his exquisite face, so full of love. I closed my eyes again, reveling in this new, euphoric feeling. My body was still reacting to Edward's sweet experiment, leaving a distracting and pleasant ache as I lay limply in his strong arms, resting my head against his shoulder.

"I love you, Edward, thank you." My voice has so little volume behind it; if he weren't superhuman I was sure he wouldn't have been able to hear me. I felt so weak.

"You are the most beautiful woman in the world. You're radiant, do you know that? Your skin is glowing. I can't believe you belong to me," he said as if in awe.

I could barely smile, hell, I could barely move. I still felt almost as if I was underwater, floating on unknown waves, but I wanted him to know what I was feeling. I forced my eyes open again. "You belong to me, Edward. I want to do that for you, too."

He smiled then, his perfect white teeth gleaming in the dim light. "All in good time. We don't need to talk about that now; this is all about you. Besides, it makes me happy to make you happy. Was everything…"

"Yes, I've never felt anything like that before, you're amazing. Are you sure…"

"Yes, Bella, I'm quite sure. I've never done anything like that before, either, so I am very glad I was able to please you. I love you so much." His eyes were so warm and full of wonder; he did look awfully happy.

"Mmm," was all I was able to respond with at this point, as his hand squeezed my leg in a way that was both comforting and possessive. I loved it, but if he didn't stop it I thought I would probably faint; I was so close to total sensory overload. I wondered how long this feeling would last as I closed my eyes again and tried to breathe normally. I seemed to have handed complete control of my body over to Edward but I couldn't find anything to complain about, other than the fact that he refused to let me reciprocate; for now.

I felt Edward bury his nose in the crook of my neck and heard him inhale deeply. "You are _mine,"_ he whispered in my ear.

"I feel so close to you, Edward." I wrapped my hand around his neck, wanting to stay like this forever.

Then his lips were on my cheeks, then my forehead. "I am so glad we're getting married soon, you have no idea," he murmured as he wrapped both arms around me and shifted me so I was lying next to him and he pulled the covers over me. I struggled to rest my head on his bare chest, and he tucked the blankets around me but didn't put them between us for once.

He was wrong about getting married; I did have an idea; a very good idea. "I can't wait to get married, either, Edward." I was so looking forward to the day I could get my hands on him with no restrictions. I knew I had made the right decision in choosing Edward, and this experience had just confirmed what I always felt in my heart. No one could ever touch me or make me feel the way Edward did. I vowed to myself that once I was his mate in every sense of the word I would never give him reason to regret my decision, either.

"You should go back to sleep now, it's still very early," he said softly, but I could hear the happiness in his velvet voice. He began to hum my lullaby.

"You won't leave again?" I asked, suddenly remembering my bad dream.

"I have no reason to go out now, don't worry about that, sweetheart. I will be right here when you awaken. I don't ever want to let go of you."

I felt his lips gently touch mine once, then twice. I smiled and then I couldn't fight it any longer and drifted off to a deep, dreamless sleep.

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**AN: I know that not all of you who have this story on Alert have been reviewing, so now's the time. How was it for you?**

**I could never have written this chapter without the feedback and advice from my fantastic Beta, Ranma15177. I always value her perspective and she is a tremendous help with every chapter. My original Beta,** _**not done baking**_** also contributed greatly to shaping BMOM. Check out my Favorite Author's List and see their stories, too , you'll be glad you did.**


	37. That Sunday, That Summer

**AN: Again, thanks for all the lovely reviews for the previous chapter. Thanks also for being so patient, waiting for this chapter; it's a long one, so I hope that makes up a little bit for the wait.**

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_I felt his lips gently touch mine once, then twice. I smiled and then I couldn't fight it any longer and drifted off to a deep, dreamless sleep._

**Chapter 37: _That Sunday, That Summer_**

The bed was so soft and warm, and I could feel Edward next to me. A sense of happiness unlike any I had ever known was radiating through my body. Was I dreaming or was this real?

My eyes were still closed, but I could see dim light through them, streaming in from the forest canopy outside our enchanted cabin. The trilling song of the evening grosbeak, still calling for his mate broke the stillness of the morning.

This was the best way to wake up ever. I didn't want to open my eyes or move, fearing it would break the spell. I could still feel Edward's lips as they had covered my body last night. Kissing, touching, exploring, conjuring feelings of pleasure I had never imagined. We had gone further than ever before, pushing against the boundaries of our unusual relationship. I still felt warm and glowing, and so full of love for him. I wasn't sure what had inspired him to escalate our physical relationship but I wasn't going to complain about it.

He had been so gentle, always trying to maintain control and hold himself in check, but he still managed to make me feel wanted and loved, igniting a flame within me that was not extinguished, but smoldered just under the surface of my skin. I always knew I could trust Edward and he did not disappoint me. I was so proud of him.

No one had ever touched me like that and I was so glad I could share that special closeness with him. I could dimly remember Edward whispering that he_ felt__ the fire within me and it warmed him in a way nothing else could, and that he thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest,_ but I never wanted that moment to end. I felt such a connection with him, and a kind of calm and peacefulness like I had never known.

Softly sighing with contentment I thought this had to be pure bliss, and I was reassured that Edward was able to go so far and not lose control. I thought I had must have found my happy place. I was very hopeful that when we finally removed all the boundaries our wedding night would not be as difficult as I had feared. I also wondered if I looked any different. I certainly felt different, like there was a low hum radiating throughout my body. I thought my appearance was probably akin to the way it was on your birthday; you turned a year older but you still looked the same when you stared into the mirror.

As I slowly woke up, I became aware that I was lying flat on my back, the blankets tucked around me, and Edward's arm under my neck, with a thick cushion of my long hair acting as insulation from his cool skin. I figured he had shifted me off of him during the night to keep me from getting too cold. I would be glad when we were the same temperature and there were no more barriers left between us. I was beginning to think he was looking forward to that day, too, and that was amazing, considering how long and hard he had fought to keep me human.

I was trying to recall every moment of last night, and I guess my breathing changed because suddenly I was aware that Edward knew I was no longer asleep. He began stroking my hair, softly, and then he kissed the top of my head with his cool lips.

I wanted to wake up every morning like this, and then I remembered that I wouldn't be sleeping through the night for much longer. Oops. I still couldn't quite picture what that was going to be like, except that Edward would be with me all night, every night, and then all the remaining boundaries would be gone. That would more than make up for any lost sleep. I smiled in anticipation.

"You seem happy this morning, my beautiful girl," Edward murmured, kissing my forehead.

"That was the best night of my life, Edward, and you're totally responsible." I inhaled deeply, breathing in his heavenly scent.

"Thank you, Bella," he spoke softly and I could hear the satisfaction in his velvet voice as his fingertips slid along my collarbone. "I did not believe it was possible to be this happy. You are sheer perfection, an exquisite beauty, and I do not think I deserve you, but I can never let you go." He pulled me even closer to him, and I turned on my side as his hand slipped under my pajama top to caress the skin on my back.

There were no words he could say that I wanted to hear more. He could never let me go. I slowly opened my eyes and looked up at his stunning face.

He linked his fingers with mine and held my hand on his chest. "How are you feeling this morning, my Bella?"

"Fantastic," I almost crowed.

Edward held my arm out above us, as if inspecting it. "No, I meant, are you sore at all?"

"No, I feel great. How about you?" I raised my eyebrows and bit my lip, trying to keep from laughing.

He kissed my fingertips before saying, "I am pleased that we were able to be so intimate without you sustaining any injuries. You're so ethereal, like a soap bubble, I wasn't sure I wouldn't break you. I did very well last night, in terms of self control, I mean."

I refrained from rolling my eyes. "You did everything just right, Edward. I'm the luckiest girl in the world." I couldn't stop smiling.

He smiled too, but shook his head slightly. "You are the most delusional girl I've ever known, but we've had proof of that before," he said softly, stroking my cheek.

His other hand was tracing my spine, almost as if he thought if he stopped touching me for a second that I would disappear. I often felt that way about him, and I moved my leg on top of his, snuggling even closer.

"If this is a delusion it's the best one I ever had," I teased.

"Me, too, I have to admit. I'm so happy with you I often think things could not get any better, and then they do," he confided. He leaned in and gave me a slow, sweet kiss. His mere touch set my skin to tingling and when his lips touched mine we melted together and I felt my heart skip a beat. He pulled away, his eyes sparkling, his wonderful uneven smile on his lips.

"I'm very glad about what we shared, Edward; I'm a little confused, though. What made you decide that was the right moment?"

"I was so relieved by what you said; how you explained everything. It was painful to hear you say some of those things, but I was so pleased you felt you could trust me and be completely honest with me. You answered all my unspoken questions and took away all my doubts. I had this flood of feelings for you that was almost overwhelming. I needed to be close to you right then, Bella."

"I was afraid I would say something that would drive you away. I knew it was hard for you to hear those things, but I'm glad I told you the truth, and you know I've wanted to be closer to you for a long time."

"Holding you, touching you… it was beyond my imagination, Bella. It was like you made the rest of the world disappear and we were the only two people left. It was hard to maintain control but it was well worth it to be able to feel your reactions and hear your happiness." His golden eyes flickered with the same desire I had seen only a few hours earlier. "You made me feel like I'm your man."

"You are my man, and I can't imagine being with anyone else but you. I've always wanted you, Edward, always."

He lowered his head to claim my lips in a passionate kiss, leaving me breathless. I ran my hands through his hair as he kissed my cheek, my jaw, below my ear and down my neck where he inhaled deeply and rested his head on my shoulder.

"When my lips touched your delicate skin I felt like I was going to lose control for a moment; you taste more delicious than words can say."

I gave up; I was going to be blushing all day, I could tell.

"Just being able to be so close to you is a thrill I never thought I would be able to experience. I can wait until after we're married to fully express my feelings as your husband. That gives me something else to look forward to, and I am happy about that. Anticipation can be very enjoyable as well."

"Yes, I know what you mean. It also gives me something to look forward to," I heartily agreed, pleased that I was able to form a coherent sentence after listening to his velvet voice say all those wonderful things about me.

He smiled as he brought his face closer to mine. His lips hovered just above mine as he said, "I am grateful for every moment you are with me."

I leaned into him and closed the gap between us. I felt a jolt of electricity when our lips met and my pulse raced. He must have known I was getting overstimulated because he began pressing slow, gentle kisses against my lips, calming my excitement.

I wasn't sure if it was just being old fashioned that held him back, or if he was just trying to protect me, but he had been so gentle and aware of my body last night; I didn't think I would find even a single bruise when I took a shower. Yet he had made me feel things I didn't think I had the capacity to feel. I really couldn't complain. This new plateau in our physical relationship was going to make both our lives so much easier. His self-control was phenomenal. Maybe he really was the man of steel.

"I think I've had another epiphany," I announced brightly, when I had recovered the power of speech.

"Does it concern me?" He lifted his head and gazed at me as if I were the most fascinating thing he'd ever seen.

I rolled my eyes and his smile grew. "I've found something else Edward Cullen is perfect at, but that didn't surprise me at all."

I didn't think it was possible for Edward to look happier but he managed it. Everything about him was so intense. He had said he wanted last night to be all about me, but I was hoping since it went so well, this morning he would let me return the favor.

"Edward, I want to make you as happy as you've made me," I began, sliding my hand down his chest to that line of bronze hair just above his waistband. I felt his muscles tense as I softly ran my fingertips over those fine, silky strands.

"I am happy, Bella," he said, his hand moving to cover mine and hold it still.

"Last night was phenomenal, but I am aching to get my hands on you. Will you let me--" I tried again but he cut me off.

"I already worship you in frightening, dangerous ways. You simply have no survival instinct, do you?"

"I don't understand, Edward."

"I cannot trust myself right now. It is one thing to watch you lose control and to know that I am responsible for that. It is quite another to let you do what you want with me; I am already pushing my limits."

"You were so in control last night," I insisted. He just needed to have a little more faith in himself.

"Yes, I was the one in control. If I were to surrender control to you I could hurt you. I can never completely lose control with you, Bella, you are too fragile and I won't put you at risk."

I watched his face and he looked very determined. I thought about it for a moment and decided I wasn't going to be able to budge him on this. No one had self control like Edward. I sighed, but was still intoxicated by him and wanted to experience the closeness we had shared last night. I smiled up at him.

"Alright, but can we do that again?"

He returned my smile and then this incredulous look came over his face and his brows drew together in a frown. "You don't mean right now, do you?"

I felt like all the air had been knocked out of me and I immediately looked down at my hands, wishing I could pull the covers over my head and disappear. He didn't want to do that again, and why would he? I was an idiot. His rejection was overwhelming; I could feel my cheeks burning and I wanted to run into the bathroom and burst into tears. I started to roll out of bed but before I could move an inch Edward had his cold stone arms wrapped tightly around me, trapping me against him.

"Let me go," I mumbled, fighting back tears.

"Never." His voice was fierce.

I struggled against him, pressing my palms against his chest but it was useless.

"Bella, I didn't mean it like that, you silly girl. Of course I want to do that again." As he spoke he lowered one hand down my back and squeezed my bottom. I gasped.

"Sweetheart, look at me," he gently requested.

Confused, I slowly raised my eyes to see him gazing at me intently.

"If you think I don't want to make love to you all the time, you need to have your head examined." His voice was low, seductive and convincing.

I blushed a deeper shade and he pressed his lips against my cheek.

"I don't understand; you looked horrified," I replied, my voice quivering. "You looked like I was repulsive."

"Bella, please, you could never be repulsive," he said, kissing me tenderly. "I didn't want to alarm you, but I just spent the last four hours worrying that you were in a coma."

I was still confused. "What do you mean?"

"Do you remember having any dreams?"

I recalled my strange dream from when I first went to sleep last night, but then later when I had fallen asleep on Edward, I couldn't remember anything. "No, I… I think I slept very soundly," I offered.

"Bella, you slept like the dead. No talking, no movement at all. I know how you sleep, and this was different. I got very worried… and I called Carlisle."

"Oh no, Edward, you didn't." Now I was horrified.

"Yes, I did," he said so quietly I could hardly hear him.

"I'm just going to die of embarrassment. You told Carlisle?" I shrieked.

"For heaven's sake, he already knew I wanted to make love to you; my whole family knows it. Everyone who looks at us knows it. You seem to be the only one who has any doubt," he said, his eyes dancing with poorly disguised mirth.

"Well what did he say?" I asked, finally abashed and unable to think about everyone knowing. If that were true maybe I would just spend the weeks until the wedding holed up in my room… with Edward.

"He said it may have been a combination of your nervousness, it being your first time experiencing something like that and well, my contribution," he said, turning his gaze up to study the beams in the ceiling.

I smiled. His _contribution_, yeah, right. Of course it was his contribution. I was amazed that I hadn't fainted or had a heart attack as it was. No wonder I slept like the dead. My poor body needed time to recover, and he overreacted, worrying about me. I could just imagine his conversation with Carlisle. Kill me now. I wondered how long I would be able to avoid seeing Carlisle when we retuned to Forks. I knew my face would be beyond pink and all the way to beet red the next time I met him. Why was my body always giving me away? If anyone ever needed to be a vampire it was surely me.

I pressed my lips against Edward's neck and that made him look at me again, rubbing my back and kissing my temple.

"So Carlisle won't tell Esme will he?" I asked, thinking about how it was impossible to keep anything a secret in that family.

"No, technically he's still your doctor and he can keep your information confidential, but Esme is going to know the minute she sees us."

I sucked in a deep breath. "Why…how… what do you mean?" Esme wasn't the psychic in the family, last I had heard.

"Frankly sweetheart, you're glowing. You have never looked more glorious and I've never been happier, so I imagine that Esme will just know. She has always wanted us to be together and happy."

That made sense. "I suppose Alice would know, too. How do you deal with all that, Edward?"

"We respect each other's privacy as much as we can, but with my abilities I can hardly complain about them. I try to block them as much as I can, and they give me my space. It really won't be a problem when we're married, you'll see. We will have privacy, I will make sure of it."

He said that with so much conviction I couldn't doubt him. I didn't know what he had planned, but I was sure it was something. Edward was like the ultimate chess player, always thinking several moves ahead.

"So it's too soon to have a repeat performance?" I asked, wanting to get clarification on this particular point.

He laughed and hugged me before saying, "Do you know how hard it is for me to refuse you anything? Why must you ask for the things I can't give you?"

"Can't or won't, Edward?"

"Bella, be good, please."

"I'm trying, but all I want is you."

"I want you, too, angel, you must believe me." His gaze was so intense, I couldn't possibly doubt him.

I nodded and he continued. "I think if we had a repeat performance you would never leave this bed. Is that how you want to spend the last day of our trip, asleep all day?"

That sounded like a plan to me. "It might be worth it," I said quietly, looking up at him through my eyelashes.

"Have I created a monster?" he asked, grinning broadly.

"That seems to be your lot in life," I muttered.

He hugged me to him again, running his hand through my hair, laughing. I could feel his chest rumbling beneath me and I pressed my lips against it, savoring the vibrations. I was glad we could tease about things like this; he was so much more relaxed.

I couldn't believe this was my life. All my dreams were coming true. I was seized with this overwhelming desire to talk about everything today. Things I had always shied away from before; things that had been too dire to contemplate. Somehow I felt like I could deal with them today, with Edward by my side. Being completely sure of his love gave me a new confidence.

Finally Edward kissed my forehead and said, "You look deep in thought."

"What? Oh, yes. I was thinking."

"About what?"

"Lots of things. You mostly. I was thinking about the day we met. Do you believe in love at first sight, Edward?"

"I'm not sure. I've thought about that, too. Especially since I met you."

"I know I was attracted to you the moment I saw you. You are the most stunning person I've ever seen, Edward. It's only natural."

"I was attracted to you, too."

"Is that what you call it? Attraction?" I was thinking it was more like bloodlust, but that didn't sound nearly as romantic.

"To be truthful it was more like addiction." He was being honest.

"Because I'm your singer."

"The one and only. So rare, so fine, so irresistible." He smiled, showing his gleaming teeth.

"But you were able to resist, or I wouldn't be here now."

"I am so glad I was able to control myself. You have given me a happiness I never knew was possible." He kissed my fingertips for emphasis.

"It's very easy for me to be with you, Edward."

"Now it is, but to be with me forever, it will not be easy for you."

"Which kind of leads back to what I was thinking about." Now he looked worried. "Relax, I'm still thinking about when we met. I wanted you from day one."

"I can honestly say I wanted you from day one, too. In the worst way."

"Yes, but then the next day you were gone. You can't imagine what I was feeling; I had this longing for you after only sitting next to you for an hour. I could tell you hated me, but I couldn't figure out why. I hadn't done anything to you. The way you cringed away from me, I thought I must smell bad to you."

"That is funny. I had never smelled anything better than you. Unfortunately for you."

"Then you were gone for the rest of the week, and I missed you. The looks you gave me the first day had frightened me, and I thought you hated me, and I still missed you. I longed for you to return, even when I thought you couldn't stand me. Then you came back and you were so nice after we used the microscope and I got very hopeful."

"I was sure you thought I was insane. No one in their right mind would behave the way I did to you, but I thought about you constantly, too."

"Then you saved my life, made me lie for you, and gave me the silent treatment for weeks. I was miserable but I still wanted you. You were on my mind all the time. I even dreamed about you every night."

"It was torture for me to be rude to you. I don't think I've ever told you this, but I used to run to Seattle every night, just to get away from everyone and try to figure out the best way to keep you alive."

I gasped. "You ran to Seattle every night?"

"It felt good to run, and I needed the release, after sitting next to you in class everyday. That's what I did before I started coming to your room at night," he admitted, and if he could have blushed I think he would have.

"Wow. I just kept thinking there was something wrong with me that made you dislike me, but the instant you showed the least bit of interest in me I was ready and willing. How masochistic is that? Then when you left me in the woods and I went to Italy to get you back? Again, masochistic. I think we may have this lion and lamb thing backwards."

He laughed. "I never thought about it like that, but there is no way I can be considered the lamb. There is nothing innocent about me."

"Isn't there? One thing? One thing we have in common? Or did more go on in Alaska than I've heard about?"

He looked embarrassed, but I couldn't tell if it was about the thing we had in common or if more had gone on in Alaska and I had hit a nerve.

"What have you heard?" He was going to try to find out what I knew before he divulged anything.

I wasn't going to play that game. "Wouldn't you like to know? Just pretend I know nothing and tell me the truth."

"I thought we were discussing the day we met."

"The discussion has taken a turn, in a northerly direction. I would like to hear about your adventures in the great white north."

He leaned toward me and said softly, "You are being absurd, Bella. I don't know what you're talking about. I haven't had any adventures there."

I inhaled his sweet breath and it reminded me of honey and lilacs. It was dangerous to stare into his eyes. I was so easily dazzled by him. I looked at my hands.

"So there is nothing to tell?"

"Bella, I never felt anything for anyone before I met you. I love my family, but I was never attracted to anyone but you. Not just your blood, you." He put his hand under my chin and pulled my face up so I could look into his eyes. They were liquid pools of gold.

"You are a goddess to me and I would happily worship you for eternity. Will you give me a chance to show you how much I love you?"

I blushed, and was delighted to hear him say such an amazing thing, but I still noted how he didn't directly answer my question, which only made me wonder just exactly what Tanya had done to tempt him. Perhaps I would have to ask Alice, but then he would find out. Well, it would serve him right. He knows I'm dying of curiosity but that's not what was going to kill me.

"You say the sweetest things, Edward. Sometimes 'I love you' doesn't seem to be enough to express how I feel about you. There just aren't words."

"I know." He kissed me then, his lips moving hungrily against mine. I felt a flame spreading like wildfire through my body. I ran my fingers through his hair and tugged him closer to me. I pressed my body against his and his arms held me tight. When we stopped kissing we didn't move; I rested my head on his shoulder and he pressed his cool, firm cheek against mine. Things couldn't get much better than this.

"As much as I want you forever, I must say I am still torn about changing you, Bella. I want what's best for you, and I still think keeping you as you are for as long as possible is a good idea."

"Edward," I began with a warning tone in my voice.

"I know, and I am not trying to back out of anything. I have known ever since the day I stopped Tyler's van from hitting you and I decided to find a way to coexist with you that one day this could happen. I both look forward to it and dread it at the same time."

"Why was the day you saved my life so significant?"

He looked away for a moment before returning his gaze to me. "It was such a constant, unending struggle to be around you then, I was not sure I could do it. After I saved you, it was clear that you knew there was something wrong with me, something unnatural about me. I had put the entire family in jeopardy, saving you."

"I never thought there was something wrong with you, Edward. I thought you were a super hero."

He snorted. "Yes, I remember the radioactive spider theory," he mused, stroking my cheek. "When I returned home that night, after behaving so rudely to you in the hospital, which I hated myself for, we had a family meeting. We needed to discuss what my next move would be. I thought it would be safest for you if I left Forks, but—"

"Edward, why is your first impulse always to leave me?" I interrupted.

"At the time, your being around me put you in danger and I wanted to protect you. Alice had other ideas. She shared a vision with me that showed you as one of us. I wanted to throw her through the wall in the dining room."

"Esme would not have been happy about that," I said quietly, wondering just how bad that argument had been.

"Forget Esme, Jasper was ready to rip my arms off."

"So I was causing trouble for your family from the beginning," I said meditatively.

"Bella, please don't get the wrong impression. That is not what happened, anyway. Alice was always on your side; she could see the two of you as close friends, and then sisters. She shared the vision with me because she thought you would make me happy, which you do, but I was not ready for any kind of relationship with you, much less an eternity. I was incredibly stupid, ready to throw away the only true happiness I had ever known."

"Oh. What about the rest of your family?"

"They are your family now, too, Bella. Of course Esme just wanted me to be happy; she was overjoyed. Carlisle was more cautious but also optimistic. He understood my concerns but like Esme, wanted to see me happy with someone I could love. We had many long discussions about you. Emmett and Jasper both thought I was crazy but that is no reflection on you, and Rosalie, well, you know what Rosalie thought."

I nodded. "So when exactly did you fall in love with me?"

"Carlisle thinks it was from the moment I saw you in the cafeteria, but I was not aware of it then. I had never felt anything even close to this before and that day turned into something of a disaster for me. When I saw you sitting with that shrew, Jessica, and I heard what she was thinking about you while pretending to be your friend, I instinctively wanted to protect you. Carlisle says that was the beginning of my feelings for you. Then when I was hit with your scent in biology class, I almost lost my mind and the protective feelings I had for you were severely tested," he finished with a dark laugh.

"You still protected me." He was always good; if only he would see himself that way.

"I almost killed you and destroyed any chance I had for happiness that day."

"But you didn't Edward. You were so strong, and you still are. I wish I could make things easier for you."

"I thought your specialty was making things harder," he said as his eyes danced with mischief and his mouth turned up in a smirk.

"You are one frisky fiancé today. What am I going to do with you?"

"I am sure you'll think of something," he said suggestively.

I blushed, immediately betraying myself. "Yeah, I'm thinking plenty of things but you are such a tease, you won't let me follow through with any of them," I complained aloud, a bit surprised at myself, but he started this.

"I do enjoy flirting with you, Bella. Can you blame me?" His voice was light but his eyes were dark.

"I can blame you for not following through," I retorted.

"That is not the point of flirting. Not everything must be taken to a conclusion."

"Well I would like to be taken to a conclusion," I huffed, "before I get very much older." Last night's experience had just made me long for more.

He smiled broadly then, as if very amused by something I said but I didn't believe he would tell me what it was.

"What's so funny, Edward?"

"When we return home I think I may christen the Volvo, 'Conclusion.'"

I giggled in spite of myself. He was being very naughty this morning, just like a normal teenage male, having fantasies about me in the backseat of his beloved car. Who knew? He would never stop surprising me. I thought this might be a good time to turn the tables on him.

"Edward, all this has made me think." I felt his body tense. Good. This time I wanted him to be worried. "As masochistic as I have been in the past with you, I'm beginning to see a pattern. You attract me, then you leave me, then you come back."

I leaned back and glanced at his face. His topaz eyes were now filled with dread.

"I'm pointing this out now because I want you to know that I will not accept your ever leaving me again. I simply will not allow it. If you ever try to leave me again I will go from masochistic to homicidal."

He was smiling now. He thought I was being funny, but I wasn't. I was deadly serious.

"You can smile, but just know that I mean business. You have been warned."

"Soon we will take vows that will join us together forever. I know I behaved horribly to you in the past, and I will always regret that. I will do my best to make sure you only have happiness in your future."

I couldn't mistake the sincerity in his velvet voice, but even as he said that I could see the sadness in his eyes, knowing he was thinking of when I would be changed and experience the same unending thirst he suffered with. That was going to be my new reality, but as long as he was by my side I wouldn't care.

"As long as we are together, that's all that matters." I hoped he believed me.

"You are way too good for me."

"If you keep telling me that, one day I'm going to believe it."

He laughed. "I will make you believe it."

"You think you can make me believe anything, don't you?"

"Unfortunately, we already have proof of that." He was thinking of that day in the woods again.

"I'm not that girl anymore, Edward. I hope I've grown up since then."

"I know that; you have become a woman. An utterly extraordinary woman."

That reminded me of something else I had been wondering about.

"Edward, what's it like to get up and look in the mirror everyday and never see any change?"

"I don't spend a lot of time looking in the mirror, Bella."

I snorted. "Well, if I looked as good as you do I think I would spend some quality time there."

"Rosalie does that enough for everyone, and you just do not see how beautiful you are."

I smiled shyly and felt myself blush. "You make me feel beautiful, Edward."

His topaz eyes lit up like he had just struck gold and his smile was wide.

"You know what I meant, though. Isn't it a little strange to never get a wrinkle or see yourself get older as the years go by?"

"Yes, it is very strange, but you get used to it after a while. You don't have much of a choice," he said sardonically.

"It's funny, because I always just think of you as being three months older than me. We were both seventeen when we met. When I turned eighteen, I sort of automatically made you eighteen, too, in my head. That's also why I can't turn thirty, because one or two years doesn't make a difference, but a dozen years would make an obvious difference." At this point it seemed silly to try and conceal any of my thought process from him.

"You will always be seventeen in my head, too, but you know it does not make any difference to me what your physical age is. You will only get lovelier with time. I wish you had more time…"

"The only time I'm concerned about is the time I can spend with you. You don't know, but when we're alone like this I just wish you would do it now. Change me now. I'm so afraid something is going to happen before the wedding to separate us and I will never be able to be with you." I was shaking now, and his arms tightened around me, holding me closer.

"Bella, please calm down. Take a deep breath. Nothing is going to separate us now." He rubbed circles on my back until I quieted. His tone was lighter when he spoke again. "Are you just looking for another way to get out of the wedding?"

"No," I gulped. "Now that I know what's going to happen, it can't happen soon enough to suit me. I feel like the Volturi are breathing down my neck, no pun intended, and I'm so ready to get on with it."

"Bella, I have told you their concept of time is different than yours. Even with Jane's recent warning we are not obligated to rush. I will not have you using the Volturi as a reason to marry me."

"No, I'm not doing that, really, but I can't exactly forget about them either. They don't have anything to do with why I want to marry you, Edward. I will just be happy when I'm no longer so breakable," I finished, hoping to reassure him.

"That day will be here soon enough. Try not to rush it. Let's enjoy each day for what it is."

"That's easier for you than it is for me because you're not the one who can get run over by a logging truck. Or drown, or get attacked by a bobcat. Or get a paper cut. Even my slightest movement can lead to disaster."

"You are right about that." He sighed and looked thoughtful, as if he was considering my plea, but he made no other comment.

"There's one more thing," I said hesitantly.

"Tell me."

"I know you've told me I may lose some of my memories of my human life..."

"Yes."

"Tell me about how that works; what I can expect?" My hatred of surprises knew no boundaries.

"It seems to be determined by how smoothly your transition goes. By that I mean, someone who is violently surprised and taken by force can have a very difficult time and retain few of their human memories. Sometimes I think that's what happened with Alice. Or perhaps her human life was so painful she has blocked it out. We still don't know for sure, but in any case, the memories will fade to a certain extent over time. I think it may be a kind of self-defense mechanism."

"So if my changing is my idea, and you do it very gently, I could retain my memories?"

"That's the theory. Your situation is a bit unusual, so we do not have a lot of data we can compare."

"I understand that. I want you to promise me something."

"Anything within my power."

"If I don't remember being human, will you tell me about it? About Charlie and Renee, and Angela…" my voice broke then, and I fought back the tears I felt spring to my eyes. I felt so guilty about leaving all of them, and Jake, but maybe it would be better if I forgot about him. Maybe it would hurt less, and that was the purpose of forgetting.

Edward pulled me closer to him and began kissing my forehead. "Of course I will tell you anything you want to know. Anything you do not remember. You do not have to worry about that."

"I'm afraid I won't remember every minute of our time together, either. I don't ever want to forget the first time you stepped out into the sunshine. Or our first kiss. I couldn't stand it if I couldn't remember those things." I felt the hot tears running down my cheeks.

"Please do not fret about that, Bella. I am sure you will remember all those things. Please don't cry." He wiped the tears from my cheek with his long, cool fingers and then brushed his lips across my other cheek. Then he kissed my lips and he tasted salty. I hiccupped, feeling slightly better.

He smiled down at me. "If you should not be able to recall everything exactly, we can recreate it and then you will have a fresh memory; and if I were being totally honest, there are some painful parts of our relationship that I would not mind you forgetting."

I knew what he meant, but I wasn't sure. The time when he was gone was the worst time of my short life. I wasn't sure if I wanted to remember all that pain, either. Then I had a terrible thought. "What if that's the only part I do remember? Those months when you were gone and I was so miserable?" I felt that time was etched on my soul and as bad as it was there would be no way for me to ever forget it.

"Bella, how can you think something like that? You are supposed to be the optimist, remember?"

I smiled weakly, but I was still worried. "What if I wake up and I don't remember you at all?"

"I do not think that is possible. I believe our connection is stronger than that, but if you did not remember me then I would court you all over again. I would take you to our meadow on a sunny day and I would kiss you just like the first time. I would do whatever it took until you either did remember or until you fell in love with me again. I hope I know how to please you by now, and I will never stop trying to make you happy."

I blushed. He did know how to please me, and he made me happier than I had ever been.

He continued, saying gently, "You know, I believe Alice is planning on having the wedding and the reception videotaped. You could go around and create little memories with everyone there, and then watch them later. That is an option that was not available to any of my family."

"Hmm. That seems like a good idea, but I'm afraid it would be too painful to watch if I couldn't actually remember all those people."

"We could always do it and then you wouldn't have to watch it if you didn't want to. It could just be there as a possibility, if you were ever curious, and we could make copies for your family, to have after you are gone," he said gently.

"I guess that is a good plan. It would be especially nice for Charlie and Renee to have. They could see how happy I was with you, and how much I loved them, even if I can't be with them. Yes, let's do that, Edward."

"You are an angel. You don't care about making a record of the day for yourself, only for your family. I love you so much."

"This is a good idea. I feel much better now. I won't worry about it anymore, and I trust that you will look after me, and guard my memories in case I need a refresher course. You know all the important events in my life. They've all occurred when you were there." I smiled at him, so full of love, and saw that love reflected in his sparkling topaz eyes.

Edward brought his palm to my cheek and then leaned over and kissed me, pressing me back into the pillows. It would be tough for life to get any better than this.

He released me, and propped himself up on one elbow. "Are you hungry? Your breakfast is going to be here soon," he said as he rubbed my stomach with his cool fingertips.

I giggled and nodded. I was hungry. I knew I should get up but this was so nice, I hated to move a muscle.

"Do you want to have breakfast in bed?" I could hear the amusement in his voice.

I guess it was clear that I didn't want to get up but I knew he must have something planned for the day so I forced myself to sit up. "No, I'm getting up," I said as I kicked the covers off my feet and slid off the bed.

I teetered next to the bed for a moment and walked unsteadily toward the bathroom. I heard him chuckling behind me but I kept walking, slowly, until I reached the door. "It's not nice to make fun of the human," I called over my shoulder, which only made him laugh louder. I couldn't help it if I was still experiencing the after effects of our experiment last night.

I closed the door and stepped up to the sink, turning the water on so I could wash my face and brush my teeth. I stared at my face in the mirror, looking for the glow Edward said I had. I thought I looked the same, maybe my skin was a bit flushed, but that was not really unusual for me. My hair was wild, full and tangled like seaweed. Oh, my. I had a lot of work to do before breakfast.

I picked up my hairbrush and began to think about last night. As much as I had feared talking to Edward about Jacob, I couldn't be sorry about the results. He had looked so miserable and I could feel the pain I was causing him but when he finally understood everything, his attitude had changed instantly. I wondered if I would ever be able to keep up with his mercurial mood swings, but I would be happy to spend eternity trying.

After sharing that special closeness with Edward, I began to question whether what I had felt for Jacob had in fact been real love. I couldn't even imagine wanting to experience that feeling with Jake, it somehow just seemed wrong. I had always felt like Jake was family, and then my best friend. He had kept me alive while Edward was gone, and that's when I started to let my feelings get confused.

Edward was so sweet to realize that his leaving me caused as many problems as he thought it would solve. I was fairly confident that he would never run off and do something so drastic again. It was my responsibility to never believe such a lie again, either. For whatever reasons, we belonged together, and I would not allow him to be so foolish a second time.

The fact that he could accept the inevitability of my becoming a vampire was a very good sign. His supernatural strength and mind reading capabilities made him superior in so many ways, and he was used to things going his way. His newfound acceptance of reality was making it easier to talk to him about what it would be like when I was no longer human. This was the most unusual situation; I knew none of the Cullens had asked for what I wanted, so again I was going to be the freak.

I was very glad that even Rosalie was finally coming around to accept my decision, though only fractionally. I knew she still thought I was insane, but she had stopped making things so uncomfortable for me, and for that I was grateful.

About ten minutes later I opened the door to find Edward standing at the foot of the bed, still in his pajama pants with a clean tee shirt in his hands. He was about to put it on but he paused when he saw me.

I smiled and began stalking toward him, my arms in front of me, reaching for the shirt, but just before I got to him I tripped. He took a step toward me and caught me before I could hit the floor. I grabbed the tee shirt with my right hand and circled both arms around his waist, feeling the hard muscles in his back. I pressed a kiss into his chest, where his heart was. It didn't beat like mine, but I didn't care. He couldn't be a better person if he had two hearts. I felt him kissing the top of my head.

"What do you think you're doing?" he asked, puzzled by my attack.

"I thought I made it clear last night I didn't want to see you in another tee shirt," I said as I took a step back and threw the tee shirt over my head, pulling it down and noticing it reached almost to my knees. I smiled up at him and placed my right hand on his chest.

"Your chest should never be covered up, at least not when we're alone together."

"You are absurd, but you know that, don't you?" He looked mystified.

"You just don't see yourself clearly. You're like Adonis, Edward." I sighed in anticipation of our honeymoon, when I would finally get to see all of him as much as I liked. I had a feeling that was going to be a lot.

He shook his head and then looked me over from head to toe. "You look adorable in my tee shirt. Silly, but adorable."

How dare he call me silly? While I contemplated my next move, I half turned away from him and reached both hands between my neck and my hair, which was trapped under the tee shirt. I gathered my hair up in my right hand and used my left to pull it out from under the shirt. I twisted it around in my right hand and draped it over my shoulder.

Edward took a swift step, closing the space between us and pulling me to him roughly. I gasped as I felt his lips on my neck, the shock of his cold mouth against my warm flesh making me shiver as he kissed and licked my throat. I wasted no time in throwing my arms around his waist. He managed to slip his hand under the tee shirt and my pajama top to caress the skin on my back. I pressed myself against his chest, moving one arm to run my hand up his shoulder and into his silky hair.

My neck was being ravished, from the base of my throat up to my ear. He paused to whisper seductively, "If you were doing that on purpose to tempt me, it worked."

It took me a moment to realize he was talking about how I had moved my hair off of my neck. It had been an unconscious act on my part, but one that I would file away for future use.

Edward suddenly straightened up and his eyes traveled down my face to my lips and they darkened as he gazed at me.

He had not spent any time grooming while I was in the bathroom and his hair looked wilder than ever, with a big chunk of it falling on his forehead. I loved it like that.

I could feel that electric current buzzing between us as his lips were only inches away from mine. The wait for him to kiss me was agonizing, but I watched the corners of his mouth turn up in a small smile. He was enjoying this slow torture.

He pressed himself against me until I felt every hard plane of his body. I closed my eyes and leaned forward slightly until our noses touched. He tilted his head and teased my lips by barely brushing against them.

"Edward," I sighed, hoping he could tell I wanted more than teasing.

I heard him suck in my breath and then he pressed his lips against mine firmly. They moved slowly at first, and then he parted his lips and again teased me with the tip of his icy tongue. I smiled and he took that opportunity to slip inside my mouth and deepen the kiss. I was glad he was holding me so tightly because my body was losing any sense of control as I ran my hands through his hair until I was breathless.

He gasped too as we broke apart and I rested my head against his shoulder, panting. "I shouldn't have done that," he said, but he didn't sound like he meant it.

"Hmm… what?" I asked, still slightly dazed.

Before we could get much further I heard a knock at the door.

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**AN: Reviews equal love, people. I would appreciate hearing what you thought about their Morning After.**

**I could never have written this chapter without the feedback and advice from my fantastic Beta, Ranma15177. I always value her perspective and she is a tremendous help with every chapter. My original Beta,** _**not done baking**_** also contributed greatly to shaping BMOM. Check out my Favorite Author's List and see their stories, too , you'll be glad you did.**


	38. One Fine Day

**AN: Thanks once again for the enthusiastic response to the last chapter, and thanks also to everyone who has put this story on their Favorites list. I'm extremely grateful for your continuing support. If you want to get an email alert for the next chapter, please put this story on Story Alert. Thanks.**

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_I was glad he was holding me so tightly because my body was losing any sense of control as I ran my hands through his hair and he kissed me until I was breathless._

_He gasped too as we broke apart and I rested my head against his shoulder, panting. "I shouldn't have done that," he said, but he didn't sound like he meant it._

"_Hmm… what?" I asked, still slightly dazed._

_Before we could get much further I heard a knock at the door._

**Chapter 38: _One Fine Day_  
**

Edward groaned and mumbled, "I thought we had more time," as he turned and deposited me on the cedar chest at the foot of the bed. I reluctantly unwrapped my overheated self from his cool body and watched as he gave me one last look before he sauntered to the front door and opened it to find Bradley standing there with a heavily laden silver tray.

"Breakfast for Miss Bella," he announced, nodding his dark, curly head in my direction and looking very dashing in a black suit with a coat that came down almost to his knees. He was the same height as Edward and I couldn't help but think about how a coat like that would look good on Edward; I would have to speak to Alice about that when we got back. The open door was letting a cool, damp morning breeze into the room and I was glad the fireplace was still burning brightly, although I was fairly overheated myself at the moment.

"Thank you, Bradley," Edward replied as he stepped aside to let Bradley in.

I stood up and carefully made my way toward the dining table. It was a wonder I could walk at all after that all too brief encounter with the man of my dreams.

Edward's cell phone vibrated on the coffee table. We both looked at it and then he picked it up and glanced at the screen. "I have to answer this," he said to me, and then he continued, "Bradley, can you keep Bella company while she has her breakfast?"

"It would be my pleasure, Mr. Edward," Bradley replied graciously as he set the tray on the dining table and began removing the covers from the dishes. There was a small silver vase filled with a variety of wildflowers and a glass of orange juice as well as a pot of tea.

Edward headed for the French doors. "I may be a few minutes, Bella." Then he stepped outside and closed the doors behind him.

I frowned, wondering what that was about. Evidently he didn't want me to overhear his conversation if he thought it necessary to have Bradley keep me occupied. I considered telling Bradley to leave, but decided if Edward wanted some privacy I would go along with his plan. I was going to grill him when the call was over, though. I turned my attention to the feast Bradley had laid out. I would never be able to eat all that.

"The omelet is made with wild mushrooms and seasonal cheese from the Cowgirl Creamery," Bradley said, his blue eyes shining with pride. It was obvious he enjoyed his job.

I decided to give it a taste and not surprisingly, it was delicious. I gazed dubiously at a small bowl of decidedly golden food, wondering what it was.

As if he read my mind, Bradley said, "Those are cheese grits. The bride is from Tennessee, and she wanted grits for breakfast so Chef Daniel made them special," Bradley happily informed me.

Something about his tone made me ask, "Is everyone getting these grits for breakfast today?"

"No, just the bride and you. Mr. Edward wanted you to have the same things she had. He was very specific."

I took a taste of the grits and let that statement digest for a moment. Cheese grits were excellent, Edward demanding I get special treatment, not so much. I would have to speak to him about that after breakfast. Now I decided to turn the conversation away from me.

"I'm not used to anyone calling me Miss Bella. Are you from the South, Bradley?"

"No, I'm just an Oregon farm boy. I come from a big family and my Momma taught us all manners," he said cheerfully. He did make a charming breakfast companion. He was very easy to talk to and seemed to always be in a good mood.

"How did you end up here?" I asked as I dived back into the omelet.

"When I visited a friend in San Francisco I knew I didn't want to go back to the farm. My friend brought me to Manka's for dinner and I started talking to Margaret and we just clicked. She offered me a job and I've been here ever since. Looking after guests is not a lot different from taking care of my seven brothers and sisters. Are you enjoying your stay with us, Miss Bella?"

"Yes, Bradley, I don't think it could get any better. You know what has made it really special?"

"Do tell," he encouraged, looking at me expectantly.

"You, and everyone else who works here. I never realized before what a difference it makes, when you have such nice people looking after you. Sally has been so sweet and helpful, Margaret is just amazing, and Chef Daniel makes the best food I have ever tasted."

"That's so sweet of you to say that, Miss Bella. Guests like you and Mr. Edward make our jobs fun. He certainly takes good care of you. He told us to drop everything to fulfill any request you might make, but so far we haven't heard a peep out of you."

"I'm sorry if Edward made things difficult for you, Bradley."

"Nothing of the kind, Miss Bella. We enjoy a guest who knows what they want and gives clear instructions. Besides, who could refuse him anything when he flashes that smile at you?"

I couldn't argue with that.

"I need to find out what kind of protein shake he has for breakfast if it gives him that kind of physique," he said, and then winked at me.

"Bradley," I murmured as if reprimanding him for eyeing my fiancé.

He just grinned at me, which made him look even younger than he was.

"I've never tasted such good food. Could you please tell Margaret and Daniel that I'm really sorry I couldn't take them up on their cooking lesson yesterday."

"Oh, sweetie, it's just as well; it was a war zone in there. We were preparing for the rehearsal dinner last night and the reception today and it was a madhouse in the kitchen. Plus, the food suppliers were making their deliveries late and Chef Daniel was ready to take a cleaver to someone. Really, it was not a day to be in that kitchen unless you were wearing a flack jacket."

I smiled. "Well, that makes me feel better about missing it."

"You will be coming to the wedding this afternoon, won't you? We're going to have barbequed oysters on the beach, among other interesting things."

I wrinkled my nose at the thought of oysters. "I really don't know what Edward has planned for today. We went into San Francisco yesterday."

"Did you ride the cable cars?"

"Yes, it was fun."

He nodded in agreement, but his eyes were focused outside. "Everyone loves them. They're so quaint."

Just then the French doors opened and Edward came back in the cabin, snapping his cell phone shut.

"Thank you for keeping Bella company," Edward said dismissively, running a hand through his already messy hair.

"The pleasure was mine, Mr. Edward," Bradley said as he leapt up and started for the door.

"Yes, thank you, Bradley," I added, giving him a big smile as he winked from the threshold on his way out. As soon as the door shut I put down my fork and turned to Edward.

"Bradley was just keeping me entertained. Don't you think you were a little rude to him?" I asked in an even tone. I wasn't mad, just wondering why he was acting like that.

He sat down next to me, never taking his eyes off me. Evidently it had been misting outside because his chest was covered with a light, damp sheen that set off the contours of his hard, firm muscles. I could feel a blush starting and he hadn't even said a word.

"You have no idea how irresistible you are when you pout, do you?" he asked, his tone low and dangerous as he leaned toward me, putting his arm around my shoulder.

"I wasn't aware that I was pouting," I squeaked as his cool hand slid up to my neck.

"Oh, you are, and it makes your lips impossible to ignore," he said as he drew even closer to me and I could smell his sweet breath.

"Then don't ignore them," I said, ever hopeful.

"You are the one temptation I cannot resist," he said softly as he brushed his lips against mine. I pressed my palms against his chest and slid my hands up around his neck as he continued to kiss me slowly and thoroughly. I began to feel lightheaded and clung to him even tighter.

I was shivering when he broke the kiss and asked with concern, "Are you cold?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm not cold, I'm trying to stay conscious. Really, Edward, sometimes you're overwhelming."

"Is that a complaint?" he smirked, playing with a strand of my hair as if almost making me faint was a regular occurrence. He had a point.

"Of course not." I needed a minute to regroup and he continued to study my face while I endeavored to catch my breath.

"To answer your earlier question, Bradley was enjoying your company, but he was enjoying watching me through the French doors even more and it was making me uncomfortable."

"Oh, well, that explains it." I could hardly blame Bradley; I didn't want to take my eyes off Edward, either. "I'm sorry, it's my fault you're not wearing a shirt."

"I enjoy the way you look at me, Bella. You have no idea how much."

As the blush spread across my cheeks I couldn't figure out why, if he liked it so much, it had been so hard to get him to take his shirt off. Probably had something to do with protecting me; just about everything did.

"Unfortunately," he continued, "Bradley was so fascinated by my physical appearance that he was able to ignore what should be his innate fear of my kind."

"I see." I wondered if that theory could be applied to me. I certainly had been entranced by Edward's beauty to the point that I never feared him. That reminded me of my first impressions about Bradley yesterday.

"Edward, I had this strange thought about Bradley," I began cautiously.

He raised an eyebrow and stared at me intently. "Don't tell me I have reason to be jealous?"

I snorted. "Of course not. I was just wondering about something. Bradley is just about the textbook definition of tall, dark and handsome, and when he brought us to the cabin yesterday I noticed how graceful he was." I stopped as I noticed Edward's jaw was clenched and his mouth set in a grim line. He couldn't be jealous.

"Will you stop being ridiculous? I love you but I can still recognize when someone looks like a male model. I haven't suddenly gone blind."

"What exactly were you wondering about?" he asked impatiently.

"Now I feel awful. Forget I said anything," I sighed.

Edward ran his hand through his hair several times, leaving it standing up in every direction, making him even more attractive. How did he do that?

He bit his lip and then finally said in a rush, "Are you trying to drive me insane? What is it you want to say?" His eyes were imploring me to speak.

At this point I knew I would have to just get on with it. My silence was making it worse. "You're going to think I'm awful, too. The first thing I thought of when I saw Bradley yesterday was that he would make a good vampire." I looked down at my hands and waited for the explosion.

The sound of Edward's laughter filled the dining alcove and I looked up to see his eyes crinkled almost shut and his mouth open wider than I had ever seen it. His contagious laugh had me giggling and feeling foolish at the same time.

When he calmed down he took my hand and said, "Only you would come up with an idea like that."

"That's what I wanted to ask you about. Do you ever see someone and think, 'they would make a good vampire?'"

He was still smiling but his eyes were suddenly cold. "No, Bella, that thought has never crossed my mind."

"See? I knew it was a terrible thing to think, but when you mentioned how he wasn't afraid of you because you're extraordinarily gorgeous, it reminded me of myself, and I just wondered if he would make a good candidate," I hastily explained.

First he rolled his eyes and said, "I never said I was gorgeous, Bella," then he added seriously, "and becoming a vampire is not like being accepted at West Point."

"I know, but I hear I will have a couple of years of intensive training to look forward to," I joked, hoping to get the light mood back.

"You constantly surprise me," he said softly, reaching out to stroke my cheek with his fingertips. "Will I ever be able to decipher the way your mind works?"

I knew he didn't expect an answer from me on that question, so I took my last bite of cheese grits, something I never thought I would like, and put the spoon down on the linen tablecloth.

"Was that a good breakfast, love?" Edward inquired pleasantly, evidently putting aside his never-ending quest to figure out my freaky brain.

"Yes, very good. I'm enjoying my special breakfast but you didn't have to make sure I got the same thing as the bride, Edward." He was still gazing at me adoringly. He wasn't making this easy. "I'm sure their regular breakfast would have been just as good."

"Perhaps I wanted to pretend this was our wedding day, too."

"Still thinking about going to Vegas?" I asked hopefully.

His adorable crooked grin appeared but he shook his head 'no.'

I decided to go for broke. "If we're going to pretend this is our wedding day, could we skip to what happens after the wedding?"

"I _have_ created a monster," he murmured to himself. Then in a stronger voice he added, "I think you're going to need your strength, in any case." Then he picked up the blueberry muffin and broke off a small piece of it, raising it to my lips. "I need some practice feeding you, in preparation for the dreaded wedding cake."

I opened my mouth like a baby bird and he dropped the sweet morsel on my tongue. The warm blueberries melted in a release of flavor and I smiled as I chewed, continuing to admire his glistening physique. Then I remembered why he had stepped outside.

"What was your phone call about?" I asked when I had swallowed.

"Nothing exciting," he said as he popped another bite into my mouth.

"Why did you have to take it outside?" I mumbled.

Edward studied my face for a moment before saying, "It was just Carlisle, checking up on you."

I gulped and reached for my teacup, taking a large drink. "What did you tell him?"

"That you had made a full recovery. It's true, isn't it?" He slipped the last bite of muffin between my lips.

I nodded, not sure what to say. _I took a quick mental inventory as I chewed; shaky legs, check. Raised and sometimes arrested respiration, check. Lingering feelings of inadequacy, check. Yeah, it's all there; that's about as good as I get. _Given the fact that I was experiencing a perpetual humming in my veins now, I thought I was probably still recovering but I didn't want him to know that.

Then I frowned with confusion. "Edward, wouldn't it just have been simpler to just ask Alice when I would wake up and if I would be okay? Why did you get Carlisle involved in this?"

He bowed his head and looked uncomfortable. After a few moments he looked at me again and said as if telling me a secret, "After the way I cautioned Alice to give us some privacy yesterday, I could hardly call and ask for her help this morning. Knowing Alice, it would just encourage her to check up on us throughout the day."

I tried not to smile; I knew he was serious, but sometimes his and Alice's special abilities caused problems instead of solving them.

"Besides," he continued, more confident now, "it was a medical question, and I've helped Carlisle so often, it's very natural to talk to him about these matters."

"Yes, Dr. Masen, I forgot for a moment," I said, not even trying to suppress my giggle.

His eyes narrowed and I could tell he was going to make some kind of retort, so I quickly looked down at the table and noticed a bit of blueberry from the muffin stuck on the end of his index finger. I reached out and grabbed his hand and brought it to my mouth before he knew what I was doing.

I wrapped my mouth around his finger and swirled my tongue, licking the blueberry off. I looked up at him and his jaw had slackened and his tongue stuck out a little between his perfect lips. It almost looked like he was going to drool and his eyes were slightly glazed. He was irresistible.

I bit down and pulled my head back, dragging my teeth along the length of his finger. He moaned and immediately brought his hand to my face, palm against my cheek. "You are wicked," he gasped, just before kissing me hard and fast.

When he released me his smile was broad again. "I discovered last night that the outdoor shower is very nice. Would you like to use it this morning? The rain stopped, and it was very light to begin with. It's getting warmer already. Alice said the sun will almost come out this afternoon, so I'll need to be careful."

I rose from the table and looked at him hopefully. He stood up and gazed at me as if he knew I was up to something.

"All right, I'll take a quick shower, but I want you to do something for me," I said, taking his hand and leading him toward the bathroom. I couldn't believe I was going to do this, but after what we shared last night I was emboldened.

"What would that be?" he asked, mystified.

I sat him down on the bench in the bathroom facing the frosted glass French doors.

"I know how concerned you are about the conservation of finite resources, so I want you to take a shower with me," I said simply.

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**AN: Okay, I know this was short, but the next chapter will make up for it. I would love to hear what you thought about Bradley, Bella, blueberries, and of course, Edward. Always Edward. Hit that Review Button please.  
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**As ever, the feedback and advice from my fantastic Beta, Ranma15177 is priceless. She has three fantastic stories of her own going right now, and I deeply appreciate that she finds the time to read for me. My original Beta,** _**not done baking**_** also contributed greatly to shaping BMOM and she's got a couple of new stories going on too. Check out my Favorite Authors List and see their stories, too, you'll be glad you did.  
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	39. I Could Drink a Case of You

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**Chapter 39: _I Could Drink a Case of You_**

_I sat him down on the bench in the bathroom facing the frosted glass French doors._

"_I know how concerned you are about the conservation of finite resources, so I want you to take a shower with me," I said simply._

I waited for the explosion of protests. He surprised me again. He just sat there silently looking at me as if I had grown another head.

"Good; you're speechless. That's going to save us a lot of time arguing."

"Bella…" he said softly.

_Crap. He found his voice again. I was in for it now._

"What are you up to?" He genuinely sounded curious.

Oh, good... a gentle line of questioning rather than a flat refusal. I might just win this one. At least I had a chance.

"I just thought we could have some good, clean fun. The outdoor shower is really nice and… well, you've already seen my body…" I trailed off hopefully, knowing I was blushing. I thought he would have fewer qualms about showering with me since he wasn't really going to get any big surprises about the way I looked without clothing. Our wedding was just a few weeks away and I planned on spending a lot of time with him au natural, and I was ready to get a jumpstart on that activity. I knew anyone with a pair of X chromosomes would back me up on this.

I was also hoping this would lead to a repeat performance of last night, and perhaps a bit more. He only had his shirt off then. With luck I would get him and myself out of all of our clothes.

"Bella, the image of your perfect body is burned into my brain, but your body under a spray of hot water would be like torture. Are you trying to make me suffer?"

I blushed at the idea of my body being burned into his brain. Forget the shower; I needed to be hosed down right now--but I had to maintain a modicum of self-control.

"No. Why would you be suffering?" I was confused; I thought he would enjoy taking a shower with me. I knew I would enjoy taking a shower with him.

"Because I would want to _join_ you in the shower in more ways than one, and I can't."

"Oh." Having a moral vampire for a soul mate sometimes presented more of a challenge than this very human teenage girl wanted to deal with. I decided I would accept defeat gracefully for a change. It was a good thing he was sitting down because the shock might have knocked him off his feet.

"Well, it was just a thought," I said in a light tone. I hoped he appreciated the effort I was making to be good.

I placed my hands on his shoulders and leaned in to give him a kiss before I stepped outside. As soon as my fingertips made contact with his skin, they began to tingle and when our lips touched a spark shot straight to my swiftly beating heart.

I straightened up and we stared at each other. His eyes were locked on mine with the intensity of a laser beam. I felt my legs begin to weaken. I wanted to throw myself into his lap and stay there all day. I didn't want to remove my hands from his shoulders, but I knew I had to. Would that wedding day ever come? Maybe we should just run off to Vegas and secretly get married and then we could always have the wedding in Forks as scheduled. Couldn't we? We needed to discuss this. Soon.

Edward reached out and put his hands on my waist. As soon as I felt his firm grip, my whole body started to hum with a feverish excitement. He must have been affected by that kiss as much as I was.

The anticipation of what he would do next was sending tremors through my veins; I could barely hold still. When he spoke his voice was low and husky.

"Alice packed swimsuits."

It took me a minute to realize what he meant. "We can take a shower together if we wear swimsuits?" I almost squealed with anticipation.

He started laughing and pulled me into his lap. "It takes so little to make you happy," he chuckled, folding his arms around me.

_If you only knew, my big, handsome man… all it took was one of your smiles to make me happy._ I snaked my arms around his waist and snuggled against his cool, hard chest. "Of course I'm happy. I want to spend every minute with you."

"Whenever I think I couldn't love you anymore than I already do, you say something and my adoration of you increases exponentially."

He always said the sweetest things. This seemed like a good time to see if I could dazzle him the way he so easily did me. I leaned back and tilted my head so I could gaze at him from under my eyelashes.

His smile widened and he brought his face closer to mine. "Isabella, are you trying to seduce me?"

"That thought hadn't crossed my mind more than fifty or sixty times in the last two days," I replied truthfully.

"If you continue to look at me like that I might be arrested for the thoughts I am harboring about you. The bad news for you is that you will surely be hauled in for contributing to the delinquency of a minor," Edward said smoothly.

I had to laugh; it was so ridiculous to think of him as a minor, although at this moment he looked like nothing more than the most gorgeous young man in the world. I wanted to get his glorious body under some hot running water before he changed his mind.

"Where are the swimsuits?" I asked impatiently.

"In the closet. I'll go get them," he said as he set me on the heated slate floor and glided into the bedroom. He returned almost immediately and handed me a tiny bundle of fabric. I unfolded it to find a dark blue two-piece swimsuit. I eyed it carefully, but it wasn't as bad as I feared. Alice was going to own me when we got back to Forks; I would never be out of her debt.

"You can change in here and call me when you are ready," Edward replied before he drifted off into the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

I quickly divested myself of my pajamas and examined the bikini. Alice had removed the label but I suspected it had been made by some famous designer, judging by the silky material and skinny shoulder straps. I slipped into it and looked at myself in the mirror.

It fit perfectly and even I had to admit it was flattering, although it looked like it was made up of a little more than a couple of pieces of wide ribbon and some elastic. The bikini bottom just barely covered the essential areas. I couldn't imagine anyone else but Edward seeing me in this. Just the idea started filling my stomach with butterflies.

Wrapping a large bath towel around me, I opened the French doors and walked out to the shower area. It was overcast but bright, warm now, and almost tropically humid outside. I looked forward to the shower, especially since he was being so agreeable.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Edward," I called softly, knowing he would hear me. I wondered what his swimwear would look like. I was picturing some formfitting, snug swimming trunks, something like boxer briefs, maybe. More like anticipating than picturing. Hoping, even. I crossed my fingers behind my back, knowing I would need all the luck I could get.

Edward came outside carrying the small wooden bench from the bathroom. He had a large bath towel draped casually over his shoulder and he was wearing baggy black board shorts that came down to just above his knees. I couldn't believe it.

"Board shorts, Edward?" I was sure my tone conveyed my annoyance.

He smiled broadly. "Do you have a problem with my bathing costume?" he asked, setting the bench down and hanging his towel over a hook on the wall.

The words barely registered in my lust-fogged brain. I couldn't stop staring at him. His broad chest and taut abdominal muscles made him look like a statue come to life. I greedily ran my eyes down his strong arms to his large hands and artistic fingertips, shivering as I remembered those hands all over my body just a few hours ago.

His long, powerful, alabaster legs tapered into slim hips, covered by the board shorts. From knee to ankle he was perfectly proportioned and his strong calf muscles held my eyes for a moment. I kept reminding myself that he belonged to me, as unbelievable as it seemed.

"Bathing costume? Do you know what Alice has me wearing? A few pieces of ribbon; very few. Meanwhile, you're fully clothed," I complained, happy that I could at least see his fantastic chest. Knowing his penchant for modesty, I supposed I should be grateful he wasn't wearing a tee shirt.

"I may have to buy Alice a Lamborghini," he said, smirking. "I would like to see those aforementioned pieces of ribbon, please."

"I'll bet you would," I retorted, keeping the towel securely wrapped around me. "I just don't think it's fair; you have on real clothing. Can't you just wear… maybe… your underwear?" I finally managed to spit out, feeling the blush start to spread across my cheeks, but not sorry for what I was asking.

"What makes you think I wear underwear?" he asked as nonchalantly as if he were asking me for the time.

I think I stopped breathing for a moment and I was sure my eyes were as big as saucers as I regarded him. "Edward," I gasped, somewhat shocked. "I might have expected that from Emmett, but you?"

"All the Cullen men, actually," he acknowledged without any trace of embarrassment.

I, however, was bright red by this time. I decided I would have to accept the board shorts, since he really didn't have an alternative. I was going to have some strong words for Alice when we got home, although I suspected Edward had more to say about _his_ choice of wardrobe than I did mine.

He began to slowly saunter toward me now, and I watched him, mesmerized by his masculine, sensuous movement. When he got close enough his hand reached out and grasped the towel where I had tucked it in on my right side. He gently pulled it loose, taking the towel and holding it for a moment.

Edward just stood there, his eyes slowly raking over me from my head to my feet. "That color is lovely against your skin," he said, sounding a bit awe struck. He took my hand, raising it to his lips and pressing a kiss against the back of my hand. "You will behave yourself, Bella." His eyes never left mine.

"Yes, Edward, I'll be good." _Even if my every instinct tells me to be exactly the opposite._

The sound of the warm breeze gently blowing through the forest canopy and a twittering of birds high in the treetops made this setting even more romantic and I thought that this outdoor bathing business could be a lot of fun after we were married. Edward turned on the shower and let the water run until it got warm while he hung up my towel on the hook next to his.

"Do you want to check the temperature, Bella?"

I stuck my hand under the running water and then stepped under the huge showerhead that seemed like a waterfall, getting drenched at once. I looked down and saw that the now wet silky material had molded to me like a second skin, leaving nothing to the imagination. Not a single thing. I didn't know whether to thank Alice or kill her. Just then I heard Edward gasp. I was going to go with thanking her.

I turned my eyes to him and he was gazing at my body with an expression I didn't see nearly often enough: pure lust. _Finally._

"Are you going to join me, Edward?" I asked sweetly, extending my hand toward him and stepping out from under the spray of warm water.

He closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them and said, "I am not sure those tiny pieces of fabric qualify as a swimsuit. I would never allow you on a public beach wearing that." The way he advanced toward me reminded me of a mountain lion stalking its prey.

I suppressed a shiver; this was going to be good. "Why ever not?" I asked innocently, although I knew exactly what he meant. I would never willingly go to a public beach wearing this flimsy excuse for clothing. It seemed to be having the hoped for effect on Edward, though.

He stood beside me, letting the warm water cascade over his magnificent body and carefully took my hand, his velvet voice saying, "Because I am the only one who should ever see you looking so utterly desirable."

I felt the pink flush staining my cheeks and knew he would only find that even more attractive. I fought my instincts and remained still, sensing that he would have to make the first move if anything was going to happen.

Edward leaned down and in one fluid movement, wrapped his arms around my hips and lifted me above his head, holding me tight against him. The sudden motion startled me and I reached down to get a grip on his shoulders. The coolness of his body against my warmth was invigorating and I could feel my blood pumping at double time.

He took a few steps away from the running water, placing his lips against my stomach. I felt his icy tongue dart out and swirl around my belly button. I bucked and shivered and he started to slowly lower me, his nose skimming against my skin the whole time. _Yeah, I was the one who was supposed to behave. Good luck with that, mister, with the things you're doing to me. _

When he reached the top of my bikini he stopped and kissed the spot where my heart was beating wildly. I slowly slid my hands up until they rested on either side of his neck. He planted kisses all over my chest and up my neck until we were face to face.

With one arm he reached down and hitched my leg up over his hip and around his back. I raised the other one and locked my ankles behind him.

Edward's eyes were smoldering and hypnotic. "I will never love anyone the way I love you, Bella," he said as he closed the distance between our lips with a kiss so filled with longing and desire that I felt myself begin to quiver. I had no more lingering doubts about his love or commitment to me and as that kiss washed over me I felt his desperate need for me.

His lips left mine long enough for him to whisper in my ear, "Take a breath, Bella."

As I drew oxygen into my lungs I clung to him limply, grateful he was still holding me tight against him. I wasn't sure I would be able to stand on my own. He ran his hand back and forth on my thigh, leaving a trail of sparks in his wake.

His cold lips were pressed against the side of my neck and I ran my hand through his bronze hair until he brought his face up to mine again.

"You are so lovely, you frequently take my breath away," he murmured.

"You make me feel things I never even imagined, Edward. I didn't know it was possible to have feelings like this."

His lips met mine in a slow, sweet kiss. "You constantly thrill me, Bella. When you touch me, it's like nothing I've ever felt before; it makes me happier than I have a right to be. I can hardly think. You often make me feel like I am losing my mind." His voice was raw with emotion.

It excited me to think that just touching him could make him so happy, and I began kissing him passionately. What I felt for him was so intense I thought I would explode. I had to stop the meshing of our lips to catch my breath and I was overcome with need.

"Edward, I want to make you happy. Please let me," I whispered against his neck.

"You are my goddess, Bella, I am happy to be your slave. You will get your turn, we have an eternity to look forward to."

"I don't know if I can wait 'til then, Edward. You're already my Greek god… maybe I want to be your slave girl."

He groaned. "Just the thought of that is too much to contemplate; you still have no idea what you do to me, do you?" he asked playfully, pulling me tight against him and burying his head in my neck.

"I know what I'd like to do to you," I murmured just loud enough for him to hear, my hot breath caressing his ear.

Edward had been nuzzling my neck but when my words registered in his mind he started pressing his lips to my flesh rather roughly, kissing and licking his way across the swell of my breasts. "Your flavor is outrageous, Bella. You are definitely an illegal substance."

I was beginning to get lightheaded and unable to form a response; I closed my eyes and leaned against Edward. I felt him start walking and then all of a sudden we were under the shower and although the water was still warm it came as an unexpected shock and I drew away from him, gasping.

Laughing, he loosened my legs from around his waist, setting me on the slate floor. "Remember why we are out here, Bella… good, clean fun?"

_How could he have the nerve to say something like that after getting me all worked up? He might have vampire strength self-control, but I sure as heck didn't. Not yet, anyway. It wasn't my fault Edward took the term 'drop dead gorgeous' to new levels. _

I positively ached for him and refused to let go. My arms were still clasped around him and I stepped closer, sliding one hand down his back and under the waistband of his swimming trunks. Then I drew back to look up into his face.

"You're wearing underwear under those board shorts, Edward Cullen," I exclaimed. "You're a big cheater."

He knew he had been caught and looked properly abashed. "I did not expect you to find out like this, Bella. I am only trying to--"

"I know what you're trying to do," I interrupted, resting my forehead against his chest. I didn't need to hear him say he was trying to protect my virtue, or his virtue. Wearing underwear under baggy board shorts should have sent a clear signal to even the most dense female, which was evidently the category I fell into. I couldn't even get mad at him for tricking me; he was doing it for my own good, as usual. Oh, for the day I was as unbreakable as he was.

He was rubbing his hands up and down my arms in what he probably thought was a calming gesture, but I was anything but calm. Even the barest touch of his hands on me set my skin on fire and considering that he was at least half naked and I was almost naked, calm was a state I was not even within hollering distance of. He kissed the top of my head. I took a deep breath and tore myself away from him.

"Did you say something about good, clean fun?" I asked brightly, willing to play along with his game for now.

He looked relieved and smiled as he said, "Wait just a moment." He turned and quickly went over to where he had left the little wooden bench and brought it back, setting it just to the side of the shower spray. "Be seated, please," he said, pointing at the bench.

Puzzled, I sat down and he picked up a bottle of shampoo out of the basket on the wall. "You don't have to wash my hair, Edward," I said, thinking of how bored I was when I washed it.

"I want to, Bella," his voice sounded eager, and maybe a bit excited. I looked at his face and he was smiling my favorite crooked smile.

"Okay. My hair can get kind of tangled, though," I said, thinking he deserved to be warned.

"I will be careful. Tell me if I press too hard," he cautioned me.

I sighed, thinking he would probably use such a light touch I wouldn't be able to feel what he was doing at all. He had placed the bench so that the water from the shower was hitting my legs and combined with the mist, it was keeping my whole body warm. My hair was already soaking wet, and I felt him gently begin to massage the shampoo into my scalp.

Edward was very thorough but his touch was firm and relaxing. He was using his cool fingertips in a circular motion, starting at my temples and working his way down to the base of my neck. From there he worked his way back up to the top of my head. My scalp was tingling and any tension I had been carrying was gone. I was almost sleepy when he stood me up and put his arms around me, leaning me under the running water.

I let the warm water flow over me and felt completely relaxed in Edward's sure grasp. When the last of the shampoo was rinsed away he sat me back on the bench and reached for conditioner. He seemed to be having a good time doing this, so I didn't object.

He used the same technique to apply the conditioner, gently massaging it in with his fingertips. I struggled to stay awake. "I'm going to get to wash your hair, too, you know," I murmured, "it's only fair."

"If you'd like," he replied, holding the length of my hair in his hands, smoothing the conditioner to the very ends, "although I do not quite understand this obsession you have with fairness."

I laughed. Of course he wouldn't understand why I was concerned with being equal. He had a lot to learn about that, and I was just the person to teach him. Although he had said we could be equal partners in marriage, so he did have some kind of a concept.

Picking me up again, this time Edward scooped me up with an arm around my back and the other under my knees, and walked us under the water. I slid my arms around his neck as he held me so I could rinse the conditioner out. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back, letting the water run over me until I felt his lips on the hollow at the center of my throat. The sensation of his cold lips on my skin, and the warm water flowing over us was almost more than I could handle.

"Edward," I moaned.

He swiftly deposited me back on the bench, facing away from the shower, but I kept my arms locked around his neck. He knelt down next to me and said, "We've have had some of the fun part, but we still need to attend to the clean part of the shower, Bella."

"Okay, I get to shampoo your hair now," I said weakly, still recovering from the special attention he had just paid to my throat.

"Oh, I'm not finished with you. Stay where you are," he said as he gently loosened my grip on him and returned my arms to my sides. He rose and plucked the shower gel from the basket on the wall and squeezed some into his hand.

"There's a sea sponge in the bathroom," I offered helpfully.

"Why would I want to use a sponge when I could use my hands?" Edward asked, as if the answer were obvious.

My heart stopped for a moment and then picked up double time. Those fantastic hands… on my body. That was all I could think about as he stood before me. I guess it was obvious, but a crucial part of my brain must have stopped functioning a few minutes ago. The shower spray was just barely hitting my back, providing a bit of warmth and I began to relax and try to regain control of my senses.

Edward rubbed his palms together and worked up a small lather and then got down on his knees before me. Picking up my right leg, he started to gently massage the soap from my ankle to my knee. His hands were cool, but all I could feel was his smooth skin touching mine, making my insides leap and twist. He scooped some of the lather up and began to massage my foot, carefully separating each toe, and I tried to jerk my foot away before it tickled too much. He had both hands on my foot though, and he wouldn't let go.

"Are you ticklish, Bella?" he asked, running his index finger up the middle of my foot.

I squirmed and giggled, but he stopped before I lost complete control.

"I will remember that for the future. I want to know how every part of your body reacts to my touch." His eyes were gazing directly into mine when he said this and a shiver of desire ran through me. He was the biggest tease ever.

He pulled my hips forward so I was sitting on the edge of the bench. Putting some more gel on his palm, he moved it slowly around my knee and then slid his hand over my thigh in a circular pattern.

The closer Edward's hands got to my bikini, the harder it was to sit still. Just when I thought I couldn't take it any longer he slowly ran his hands down from my thigh to my foot, removing most of the suds. I filed that away as something I would ask him to do in the future.

The only noise came from the running water and the occasional birdsong. I could hear the sound of my heart pumping so loudly it echoed in my ears. Edward was silent this whole time, and it seemed like he had given himself over completely to the sensual experience of bathing me.

He picked up my left foot and began rubbing and tickling a little bit before repeating the whole process with that leg. Since I knew what to expect I had a little easier time controlling myself, but I still felt like I was on a roller coaster ride in a runaway car.

"Time to stand up now," he said, rising to his feet and extending a hand to me.

My legs were like gelatin but I fought to gain my balance and he put his arm around my waist and brought us under the spray.

Edward's voice was low when he whispered in my ear, "Is it wrong for me to take so much pleasure in your body, Bella?"

My heart skipped a beat. If he kept saying things like that he wasn't going to have to bite me, I was just going to die. I shook my head, and then said, "If it is, then I'm just as wrong as you are."

"Well it wouldn't be the first time I've corrupted you," he said wryly, turning us away from the shower and moving back toward the bench. "You should probably stand up now."

I was feeling a bit steadier now, but not much. His voice and words had as much effect on me as his hands did. I wondered if this would be the same after I was no longer breakable. I suspected it would.

The gel sat on his palm for a moment and then he rubbed his hands together and gave me a penetrating glance. "My hands aren't too cold for you, are they?"

"No, I think the shower helps, and I'm very warm anyway, can't you tell?"

Edward laughed softly. "Yes, my little flame, the moth can tell. I was just trying to give you an escape route."

I frowned. "I never want to escape from you. I told you last night you could do anything you wanted with me, Edward. I meant it." I didn't even blush this time.

Groaning, he said, "You _are_ dangerous when wet. I'm going to do my best to keep you alive for as long as possible, but you don't make it easy." Then he slid one hand over my stomach and the other slipped around to the small of my back. He leaned close to me, using the same circular motion he had used on my legs until he had covered every inch between my bikini top and bottom.

Another squirt of gel and he picked up my right hand delicately, and kissed my knuckles before gently massaging the soap on my hand. He kissed the crook of my arm before he spread the lather there, and planted a kiss on my shoulder before continuing. He held out my arm and began to massage the lather into my under arm and I squealed and jerked away.

"That tickles," I protested. "Worse than my foot."

"Good to know," was all he said, barely concealing his grin, before taking my left hand and beginning the whole ritual over again.

This time he kissed my ring finger and said, "Do you know why the engagement ring is put on this particular finger?"

"I have no idea. You know getting engaged was not high on my list of things to do."

"So I've heard." He smiled. "In ancient times they used to believe there was a vein that went from this finger straight to the heart." He kissed and cleaned his way up my left arm and then led me back under the shower to rinse off.

Just when I thought it was going to be my turn he said, "I think you should sit on the bench again for this next part."

I sat down and he stood behind me. I felt him picking up my wet hair and separating it into sections. I couldn't figure out what he was doing, and then he began to braid it. "I didn't know you knew how to braid hair, Edward."

"There are many things about me that you don't know, Bella. The Boy Scouts were founded in Chicago when I was nine years old. I learned how to tie a variety of knots, and also how to braid."

Why was I surprised? "I'll bet you were an Eagle Scout, weren't you?"

I felt his cool lips on my shoulder and then his icy breath in my ear as he said, "You are very perceptive. How did you know?"

"Because you're perfect at everything, of course you would be an Eagle Scout. You really take that 'be prepared' motto seriously, don't you?"

I heard him laughing softly behind me and then I felt his hands rest lightly on my shoulders. They were already lathered and he began rubbing very tight circles inward, toward my neck. Then the pads of his fingertips traced my collarbone and he rested his left hand there and started moving his right hand down in small spirals. The closer he got to the top of my bikini, the faster my heart beat.

His hand seemed to tremble a little as he touched the edge of my bikini and then slid down into the space in the middle. He gently massaged the curve of my right breast, and then my left. I closed my eyes and pressed my head back against his hard body and felt his lips on my cheek and then my mouth, while his fingertips continued exploring under my top. His touch was making me tremble and I moaned into his mouth. Suddenly I was sitting there alone and I had to grip onto the bench to stay upright.

I blinked and turned around, finding him plastered against the wall of the cabin, next to the French doors, about fifteen feet away from me. His eyes were dark amber and he looked miserable. He had warned me that this would be torture for him but I had somehow enticed him into ignoring his own judgment. The combination of me and hot water was even more potent than just plain me. Throw in some shower gel and sensual massage and evidently that was just too explosive a mix. Well, this was another first for both of us. Live and learn, at least for a few more weeks.

"I'm sorry Edward. I know this is my fault, you told me this wasn't a good idea and I guess I should have listened to you," I said apologetically, wondering how big a set back to our physical relationship this would prove to be.

He seemed to relax a little then, merely leaning against the wall, and he ran his hand through his hair a couple of times.

"I was afraid I was getting too rough with you… I didn't want to hurt you," he said sadly.

"No, you weren't too rough at all," I said hopefully. If that's all he was worried about I could relieve those fears. "You were just right, Edward. I would tell you if you weren't, honestly."

He began walking toward me and knelt down, placing his hands on either side of my hips. "I was getting too excited and I thought I lost control for a moment. I was afraid I was going to bite your lip," he admitted. "We are kind of pushing this boundary business a lot further than I thought we would."

I put my arms around his neck and smiled. "You have no idea how happy it makes me that you have relaxed so much the past two days, Edward. I feel like we're a normal, engaged couple now, and that's such a big step for us. You are doing amazingly well."

"We will never truly be a normal couple, Bella," he reminded me soberly.

"How could we be, you're extraordinary," I teased. "Besides, dark thoughts are off limits in this outdoor shower." I gestured around at the scenic woodland surrounding us and smiled at him.

He merely raised one brow and narrowed his eyes.

"Alright, I know what you mean," I tried to reassure him, "but we're making huge strides. Remember when you told me how much easier it was for you to be around me if you were desensitized to my scent, and I asked you to spend the night with me?"

He nodded, smiling. "It was the first night I stayed with you at your invitation. You will never understand how happy that made me."

"It made me pretty happy, too. From that moment I never wanted you to be away from me; but what I was getting at was how, in a way, we're doing something similar by pushing our boundaries. You're getting more used being so close to me, and touching me, and that will make things easier on our honeymoon, right?"

His smile grew even larger and then he said, "I am not sure that's what is happening in this case. I think I am reacting more like a drug addict who has had a small taste and wants even more, rather than becoming satiated."

"You would look at it that way. Although I have to admit, you've got a point." The closer I got to him, the more I wanted, too, but this was so much better than chaste kisses and hugs while fully clothed. He had to see that.

"We need to rinse that soap off of you, come on," Edward said, standing and pulling me over to the shower.

I gladly rinsed myself off and then turned to face him. He still looked a bit sad around the edges, and I wanted to make that feeling go away forever. I took his hand and led him back to the bench. "Sit down please, it's my turn to wash your hair."

Edward remained standing. "My hair is not dirty, Bella. I think we should stop this now."

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**AN: Please leave a review and let me know what you thought about this chapter_._ Thanks once again for the enthusiastic response to the last chapter, and thanks also to everyone who has put this story on their Favorites List. I'm extremely grateful for your continuing support.**

**Not to worry, I'm working on the next chapter and it will be online when it it ready. There's still a lot more story to come, it's just coming slowly at this point, but it will be online at soon, I hope.  
**

**As ever, the feedback and advice from my fantastic Beta, Ranma15177 is priceless. My original Beta,** _**not done baking**_** also contributed greatly to shaping BMOM and they've both got a couple of good stories going right now. Check out my Favorite Authors List and see their work.**

**I'm happy to thank MLynn1985 for a fantastic last minute Beta job on this. I'm very lucky to have such talented and generous friends. **


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